08. BITTERSWEET RESIGNATION
She woke up not knowing what time of the day it was. Enya was deeply asleep next to her, tucked under heavy blankets. The fireplace had recently being fed, but the cold was still lingering around them. The storm had passed, but she could still hear the water dripping from the walls.
As quietly as she could, Catelyn left the bed, trying to not wake up her friend. She noticed that she was still dressed for the day, that she hadn't eaten since the night before, and that her head was pounding. She exited the bedchamber and found a tray with bread, cheese, honey, fruit and wine.
"In case you are hungry." -she read the little note her brother had left and smiled.
She washed her face on the cold water in the porcelain bowl, and decided that some food would help her feel better. Catelyn ended up eating more than she thought she would, and nursed half a glass of wine while writing that all important letter to Eddard because that could not wait.
She first asked for news on Ashara and the children, on how they were growing and expressed how sorely she missed them. She than detailed the past events, the wedding at the Twins, the Tournament and how nice it was to be young again in times of peace.
The words seemed to evade her, and she didn't know how to put in convincing terms that she was happy with her upcoming wedding, even though she was clearly having doubts. However, at that point it was too late for such thoughts, and she couldn't help but to feel stupid for allowing her heart to win over her reason. She should have discussed the relevant intricacies of them as people, before announcing it to Westeros that they were to wed.
"Throughout the duration of the Tournament, by fate and completely by chance, I was able to get to know a side of Tywin Lannister that seems to be lost for other people. He showed himself as very attentive to me, and with the passing of the days, an attachment started to be formed. I wasn't, however, aware of the nature said attachment had to him, but a couple night's ago, after asking for permission to my Lord Father, he expressed his wishes on marrying me. For the first time in the longest of times, I felt right in saying yes. And even with the everlasting sorrow that I will carry in my heart forever, I am now ready to be someone's wife.
And with that said, although the man acts with remarkable deference and care towards me, he is still Tywin Lannister, and he has made clear that he expects me to relieve my Stark guard of their duties, and to allow them to return to Winterfell. I must confess that this pains me greatly, and that I had not expected to have to part with this aspect of my life so soon. I feel obliged, however, to abide by my lord's wishes, as I can understand why it wouldn't be appropriate to remain under another lord's protection when I am to marry soon.
I have the greatest gratitude for all you have done to include me in your family, even when we had to face so much lost and despair. I beg you to accept my current circumstances, and to try and be happy for me. I am sure that this is what I want, and I hope that life keeps treating us as kindly.
All my love, with all my heart...
Your sister, Catelyn."
She wrote three pages, and decided that a messenger would be needed. Carefully folding the paper, she melted some wax and sealed the letter with her House's crest. She looked for a leather pouch in the drawer, and before protecting her words from the elements, she wrote his name in the back of the bundle.
"Eddard" -she muttered, unable to forget those peaceful days in Riverrun, the Harrenhall tournament, Brandon's gallantry and Lyanna's smile.
But now, holding the letter against her chest, and armouring herself with value, she needed to be brave and guard those memories on the depths of her mind, as her heart now needed to belong to another.
Outside the window, she observed the first lights of dawn. Around her, the unmistakable sounds of a castle leaving its slumber. Her ladies would probably sleep for a few more hours, and she hoped that Enya could get a well-deserved rest, as she suspected that her friend had guarded her sleep for a long time.
She opened the doors to the balcony, and startled herself with the presence of one of her guards. Of course, they were always there. In war or peace. One at the balcony, the other at the door.
-Sir Harold! -she exclaimed, after feeling her heart jump- You should not have remained outside under such rain!
-Do not worry, my lady. -he said, but his usually cheerful and friendly voice sounded a lot colder now- I only came here when the storm had passed.
Catelyn allowed a deep sight to inundate her chest. She knew the man was well aware of her fit of tears, as she was sure the effects of it were still on her face. Sir Harold Forrester, as well as Sir Wyllem Cerwyn, both second sons, were two of the most honourable men she had ever met. They treated her with devotion, and awarded not only her, but also her ladies, complete protection.
She did not wish for what she knew had to be done.
-Sir Harold, would you please call Sir Wyllem here, so we can have a conversation?
With a nod of his head, the man disappeared into the chamber. Catelyn fought to keep her quarrel with Keira away from her mind. She needed to be strong, but she also needed to make them know how grateful she was to them.
-Your lord father tried to release us from your service last night. -Sir Wyllem said, once Catelyn had expressed the reason why she had to talk to them- But with all due respect, we didn't swear our swords to him, or to Tywin Lannister.
-We sworn our swords to you, my lady. And only your word can free us from past pledges.
She could see that they, despite the kind manner and soft words, were not happy about any of that. It was painful to admit, after all the ugliness shared the day before, that Keira was right. Of course she was.
-My brave knights... -Catelyn smiled and held their hands on hers- You have no idea how hard is to part with your protection... -she once again was fighting tears- But it has to be done, and you know as well as I do, that this is the only way.
They stared at her, and Cat could see a tear glowing on Sir Harold's eye.
-I will never forget you, and I am forever grateful. You will always have a place at my table, it does not matter where that table might be. And you will always be a friend of House Tully. -her tears now were rolling freely, and both men looked like they could emulate her- But now I have to beg for your forgiveness, and to promise you that I never had the intention or any reason to knowingly offend the North.
-We are not to judge you, my lady. -Sir Wyllem said- The man has treated you well. So far.
-His past wrongs might never affect you, and we shouldn't be the ones to hurt you with words when we witnessed so much of your suffering.
-Lord Brandon would have our heads if we displeased his lady. -Wyllem smiled.
-Lord Eddard still might. -Harold completed, and the three of them laughed quietly for an instant.
-With this marriage I am trying to guarantee that if we ever have to march into battle again, the West will follow. -she didn't believed her influence would ever be that great, but the men seemed happy with that promise- And now, before releasing you from the oath you taken years ago, I ask that... -she placed the leather pouch, containing the letter, on Sir Harold's hand- That you ride to Winterfell and give this to Lord Stark. As soon as possible, before the crows fly. Before angrier voices tell him the news.
-We will ride before noon. -he promised- And we will never allow for an ill word to be said about you, my lady.
-Thank you... -Catelyn smiled, placing a kiss on each of their faces, and wiping away her tears.
-With your kindness, my lady... -Wyllem stopped himself before they could cross into the chambers- Would you be able to give Keira a chance to say goodbye?
-I... -she was really surprised, as she could have sworn that Keira hated her now.
-All she said, albeit in a harsh manner, had the single intention to protect you.
-Does she wish to see me? -Catelyn asked, jaded by surprise
-The question is if you wish to see her.
A few minutes later, whilst that part of the Tower was still slowly awakening, Sir Harold accompanied Keira, still on her night garments, into the balcony. It was clear she had just being woken up, and Catelyn knew her well enough to know that her lady had also cried. Yes, Catelyn was hurt, and yes, Keira could have used a better way or moment to speak her mind, but nothing she said was untrue. And her intentions would never be obscure. Staring at each other for a moment, neither of them knew how to proceed. So Catelyn did what she did best, and opened her arms to take her friend in.
Keira sobbed on her embrace and begged for forgiveness. Cat tried to shush her, but Keira was just corroded by guilt.
-We are to forgive each other. -Catelyn said, holding Keira's face- We are to part as the good friends we have always being, and to write to each other, and to meet again.
-I am so sorry... -Keira kept sobbing- I had no right to talk with you like that!
-My darling, you were the only person to speak to me of your true feelings. And you never told me a lie.
-You have to make him a better man. -she begged- For yourself and your children.
-Everything will be fine. -Catelyn promised hugging Keira with no way of knowing if she was right- I can defend myself, you taught me as much.
Keira left to prepare herself for the long journey. She had sent a raven to her brothers, and they would meet her in Winterfell. Catelyn would make sure that not only Keira's, but also her swordsmen's belongings would arrive safely to them.
She watched as groups of people started to leave through the western side of the Twins. The Northern side, she reminded herself. At the chambers, her ladies were breaking fast together, and the maids tried to prepare their arks and cases for the journey. Now, bathed and dressed on a fresh dress, Catelyn and Enya had pressing matters to discuss.
-I must make sure to apologize to your Lord Father after dealing with him so harshly this past couple days. –Enya stated- I felt like we failed to protect you.
-I failed to protect myself. –Catelyn corrected her friend- This shouldn't occupy anymore of our thoughts, my love. This union is too important, for multiple reasons. And I will not jeopardize it any longer.
-Your absence of an entire day has unsettled him, and is not without reason to think that he might fear that you are reconsidering the engagement.
-I did. I reconsidered everything, especially my feelings. –Catelyn confessed- Some matters should have being discussed before the announcement, however it is too late now. It hurts to admit he wasn't wrong about my guard, and even Keira. I just did not appreciate being told what to do, and the realisation that this is how is going to be from now on, terrified me.
-I know. And I assure you that both he and your father are aware of that. In any case, whilst you were making peace with your new circumstances, I went looking for some answers.
And she narrated how she uncovered the details of Tyrion Lannister's death.
-Could Lord Kevan have lied to me? Of course he could. Do I believe he did? No.
-So the rumours are just rumours? He didn't run away to the Free Cities, or was killed by his father?
-No. However I do believe that in a way, Lord Tywin was glad to be rid of his son. He did blame the boy for the death of his late wife, and is widely known how much he loved her.
-It doesn't speak much on his maturity, does it? To burden a baby with such baseless accusation…
-People feel how they feel, and he is allowed to grieve on his terms. We know all too well of grief, my love.
They headed back to their chambers to prepare for the journey back on the next day. The maids didn't allowed Catelyn to do anything, and convinced her and Enya to go and enjoy the sun. Saera was expending time with her mother. Now, outside on the gardens, Catelyn was decided to find Tywin. She saw him as he made his way towards the Lannister camp, and even though she would never run after him, or invite herself to a camp, she would message him that she wished to meet.
It didn't took long for the little servant boy to find him, and in no time at all, she could see him entering the gardens. Catelyn knew she needed to compensate the man for the absence of a whole day, and they the needed to smooth things over, if they wished to succeed as a unit. So she awaited him with a smile, in a peace offering. Her heart was thundering on her chest, already feeling the effects he imposed on her. His gaze was somewhat severe, but it softened when locked on hers.
-My lady... -he said at first, holding the hand she offered and studying her face in search of any sign of her inclinations.
-My lord... -she said, stepping closer to him- Is so good to see you... -she lifted her eyes and kissed his hands.
-How have you being? -he asked, almost in a whisper, looking around as to make sure they were alone- Your absence worried me.
-I should have made a bigger effort to talk to you yesterday. –she said apologetically.
-Yes, there's much to talk. But first I must know… -and he interrupted himself when she leaned even closer to him, resting her head on his shoulder- My lady… -he was taken aback for a second, but resigned himself and held her gently against his chest.
-I have done as you instructed. –she informed.
-I know. -he said, one hand protectively placed on her back, and the other reaching for her face- I know. –he reiterated looking into her eyes- Your tears made it clear. And I want you to know that I appreciate and respect your commitment.
-It wasn't easy, my lord. –she declared- For many reasons.
-I imagine.
-You were right, in this instance. And that is why I freed my guard from their vows and said goodbye to a much loved friend. –her expression was somewhat colder- Because you were right. I must say, however… That I wasn't, in any way, obeying you.
Their sweet and complicit hug was now undone, and they stood in front of each other. Tywin taken aback once again, repeating her words on his mind. Catelyn standing tall, almost defiant.
-I have a question. –he said, after some heavy silence- Are you rethinking marriage?
-I promise you that I am not in any doubt on how much I wish to join you in life. –she grabbed his hand- I must confess, however, that I am not comfortable with the dynamics of…
-What do you expect of this union? –he interrupted her, somewhat abruptly, a golden eyebrow raised- What do you think will happen?
-In the practical sense? I believe that I might be walking into a situation where I no longer will ever have a say about anything in my life. And it is particularly hard, considering that…
-That your father left you to rule the Riverlands whilst he fought wars and forged alliances.
-I am afraid that we will not stand as equals on this marriage. –she said, finally.
-I see. –he paused for a moment- My dear, I was serious when I said that I wished you to rule by my side. I know who you are.
-I also know who you are, my lord. And flexible is not something used to describe you. –he scoffed for a second, but smiled.
-Catelyn, I was not ready to marry again until I properly met you. You. –he pulled her near- This is an uncomfortable dynamic for me as well. I don't understand most of my feelings, I cannot predict my actions. All I know is that building a life with you is the most important thing in my mind now.
-I need you to promise me… -she was now holding him with a bit more strength, staring into his eyes.
-Anything… -he wrapped his arms around her, ready to soothe her worries.
-That I will be heard.
-Always. –he pressed their foreheads together.
-And I promise to honour you with everything in me…
-I know. –his hand travelled from her back, up to hold the back of her head- My darling…
Her breath broke on her chest, and she trembled, eyes fluttering closed.
"I am to be his wife. Soon. This is not, it cannot be wrong."
He wasn't aware of her current struggle, and was probably seeing her flustered face and laboured breathing as a sign of modesty.
-I will never dishonour you, my lady... -he said at her ear, kissing her face- And whatever you decide now, will define our lives forever.
-Decisions were already made, my lord. –she whispered
-This is your last chance, right here. Your last chance to tell me if you are having any doubts or regrets.
She tightened their embrace, her little face slightly contorted in agony. Her hands held his face, and she kissed his jawline. Tywin let the air escape his lungs in an instant.
-Are you sure, Catelyn? –he insisted- I need to hear it.
-I want you. –she said, pulling away slightly to look back into his eyes- As my lord husband.
-I do not wish for you to feel trapped, and I hope your decision to remain engaged to me is not based on your fear of hurting my feelings.
-You are a grown man, you would be able to take it graciously, I am sure. -she was now teasing him, and he finally smiled.
But would he? Would he be really able to deal with rejection? Based on the current evidence, Tywin Lannister was not very good with having things not going his way. Would he march against the Riverlands if she was to say no? Would he punish her when she, unavoidably, displeased him? Would he be a father to their children or would he repeat the same mistakes he made with the ones from his first marriage?
-I am here because I share the feelings you hinted at having that night.
Yes, the sweet astonishment on his face was what Catelyn had intended. She was able to tell how his romantic feelings started; she was the one that had his eyes all over her. She knew it started with lust, and just the same had happened to her. It was still possible that all he wished with that marriage was to have access to her body, and she was very well aware that she would not abstain herself from it. The key for their success laid solely on one thing: how loved could she make him feel and how much love could she inspire on his heart. Everything else was already in place.