Chapter Seven: The Pining

"When life puts you in tough situations, don't say 'Why me?' Say 'Try me.'" - Unknown

I'm emotionally fried, and I want to punch Vlad, Dash, and Paulina. In whatever order is the most convenient for me.

How dare Vlad go after Mira? I'm almost certain they'd never said two words to each other before today. Yet, there he was, attacking her for no reason. I can't get her scream or her tears out of my mind. It reminded me too much of when she found out that her then-boyfriend, Levi, was the one who killed her. She'd cried and latched on to me then, too. I won't let that happen again. Mira deserves better than that.

She deserves better than me, just like my other friends, ghost and human alike. But, she was just so…accepting. She saw me break and wanted nothing more than to cheer me up, to take my mind off things.

Which brings me to Dash and Paulina. I can't believe they saw all that with Mira. They could have jumped in at any given time. Instead, they watched what were supposed to be multiple very personal, very private moments. So not cool!

But, I'll give them credit for one thing. They really don't seem to mind that I'm a loser.

I don't know why I said everything I did, to both them and Mira. It was like something had taken hold of my mind and moved all my worst thoughts to the surface. But, I don't regret it. They needed to be said. Maybe Mira's right, and this will be a wake-up call for Dash and Paulina.

It's mind-boggling. I flat-out admitted that I felt worthless without my powers, even cried in front of them (more than once, as it turns out), and they accepted me, too. They made it clear that they still like and respect me.

Hearing that from people who will hate me once I turn back into a human… It makes me a little sad.

But, I'll worry about it later. For now, I have to look over the footage with Blairman.

Ah, yes. Hutch Blairman. The other person I want to punch. For three reasons. He potentially sent dangerous ghouls to school just to get some action shots. He has no shame in filming me without my knowledge. He freaking kissed me out of nowhere.

I don't care what Vlad says about Blairman being sensitive. I am not a fan of the guy.

Blairman's trailer seems to be solely for computer work. There is a long desk with a large monitor in the center. Sitting beside it is a VCR that Blairman pops a tape into. There is a stack of tapes that are labeled "Unwatched" by a folded piece of paper. On the other side of the computer is a folded paper that reads, "Watched." There aren't any tapes there.

As soon as I enter the trailer, Blairman turns in his swivel chair and gives me a big grin. "Welcome to my trailer, Phantom," he greets, rising from his seat. He steps aside and gestures for me to sit. "Ready to see what we have so far?"

"Only if you don't kiss me again," I say as I take a seat.

Blairman waves off my irritation. "Oh, it was a chaste kiss, my friend. It didn't mean anything."

"You know I'm sixteen, right?"

He ignores me in favor of the monitor. "I already have a tape set up. Just click the little 'play' icon."

I do so, and the video starts.

"Hey! Here's an idea. How about you explain to me what the hell I did wrong, because I'm clearly the only one who doesn't know!"

"I told you to delete this," I say, forcing myself to be calm.

"I know," Blairman says. "But, you're just so…raw. So real! Don't you want everyone to see who you really are?"

"Not like this!" I counter.

I flinch as the video reaches that part where Paulina calls Sam a "worthless loser," and it's all downhill from there. The camera caught a clear view of my expression. My eyes glow too brightly, and my face is ugly with rage as unnatural snow falls around me and Paulina and Dash. I watch in silence, my insides twisting around themselves, as the video continues. It reaches the part where I finally reveal just how fucked up my head is. The part where I shed those bitter tears because I'm hated by everyone. Sometimes, even by myself.

Is this how I look? Is this who I am? No wonder people hate me. I've never been the most "put together" person, but I never knew just how pathetic I was. I have great friends and a family who (mostly) loves me and superpowers, yet this sad sack is me?

"Get rid of it," I demand, shooting to my feet because I can't sit there anymore. I hate how my voice sounds. It sounds like the voice of the loser in the video. "Keep the fight with Mira, but the rest, I want gone."

"What?" Blairman whines. "Oh, it isn't that bad-"

"I don't want people seeing me like this! I can't believe you got all that on video!"

Blairman folds his hand together, pleading. "Oh, please, Phantom! Vlad worked hard on that Compulsion setting. Don't let it go to waste."

"I don't care- Vlad did…what?"

If Blairman was still alive, the color would have drained from his face. "V-Vlad did nothing."

Compulsion setting. And, I've been babbling my thoughts like a man possessed.

The pieces fall into place. That weird itch I felt when this all started, an itch that only I felt because ghosts are so sensitive to Compulsion. Vlad must have figured out a way to counteract that so that I wouldn't know when I was being filmed.

Eileen can use Compulsion. Vlad knows who she is, and her very existence would have been enough for him to start poking his nose around. Blairman mentioned a lock of hair. Was it Eileen's? Is that how Vlad programmed the setting?

What else did Vlad do to her? And, how much does Blairman know about it?

Blairman's a head taller than me, and I have to levitate to be properly intimidating while I get in his face and grab him by the shirt collar. "I want answers, Blairman, and I want them now."

"Okay, okay!" Blairman yelps. "I'll talk. Just let go of me." I reluctantly do so and drop to the ground. Blaiman straightens his clothes and says, "Unrelated, but you have the most gorgeous eyelashes. I mean, they're white, but they're so long and luscious-"

"Keep it up, Alan Smithee. You're just giving me more and more reasons to bury you even deeper underground."

"Ugh. Some people can't take a compliment." Blairman sees that my patience is running thin and finally gets on with it. "Phantom, I've heard enough about you to know that you would never have given me the results I wanted. So, I asked Vlad for advice, and he told me that the only way to get total honesty out of you would be to do so by force. Then, he discovered a ghost in Amity Park who could use Compulsion and grabbed a bit of her DNA. The rest is history." He grins and raises his fists to his chest. "And, the results are fabulous!"

This man. This man exists.

I pinch the bridge of my nose, trying to formulate a response. One that doesn't include dismemberment. Eventually, I let my hand flop down to my side. "I can see why you and Vlad get along. You're both creepy and demented." At least Vlad doesn't give off child molester vibes. His are more of the serial killer variety.

"I'm just trying to make a good film. We have the same goal, remember? Seeing ghosts and humans coexist. In order to do that, they need to see that ghosts have emotions. That's why the Compulsion setting is there. To bring out those emotions."

I get what he's saying but, "That's not an excuse. You-you mind controlled me! And, probably Dash and Paulina and Mira, too! I would have been open and honest without being forced to!" At least about some things.

After a moment, Blairman blows out a breath. He looks so tired all of a sudden. He plays with his feather boa and doesn't meet my gaze. "Phantom, I'll just come out and say it. When I died, I was fresh out of film school. I didn't get to be a real Hollywood hot-shot, but I had a second chance when I came back as a ghost." He turns his head sadly toward the monitor and sits down, staring listlessly at the paused screen. "I had a few hits, but lately I've been in a real slump. The films I've produced in recent years were so poorly received. I've even been openly mocked for them." He turns in the chair and looks up at me. "I'm just doing what I love. Is that so wrong?"

My temper cools. I still don't like this guy, but I can certainly relate to him. "No. It's not."

Blairman rises. "All I need is one big hit. When I found out about you and all you've done, I knew you would be the perfect subject. Protector of humanity, savior of the Ghost Zone. You came in out of nowhere and made a name for yourself. Why, Danny Phantom, you are truly inspiring."

"Inspiring?" Paulina said the same thing, I recall.

"Of course! Despite everything you've been through in life, you've taken your death by the horns! I know how territorial you are-"

"Why does everyone think I'm territorial?"

"-but I just had to take the risk. I need this documentary to go well, Phantom! I need to show everyone that I'm not a failure, that I can be someone."

I understand that. I understand it all too well.

I sigh. "No more Compulsion. I told you, I would have been honest without it. We all would have. Not to mention, it's just plain immoral. And, I don't want anything regarding my personal issues to be in the movie. And, for the love of God, stop filming me without my knowledge!"

Blairman's yellow eyes light up. "You mean you'll still do the movie?"

"We both have something we want to get out of this. Just don't make me regret it."

Blairman squeals and jumps. "Oh, thank you! You won't regret it, my friend. This is going to be fantastic!"

Did he just…hide the faintest smirk? Or, did I imagine it?

"But, if you kiss me again," I say, "the show's over."

We spend the next two hours going over all of the footage and picking out the pieces I approve of and the ones I don't. (Blairman denied siccing the ghouls on the students, and I'm still not sure if I believe him.) The initial interviews - Dash and Paulina said some nice things, though most of the questions were about what I do for the town - and all the fight scenes, I'm fine with, but I put my foot down on the personal stuff. Blairman keeps bugging me about it, so we reach a compromise: he'll record me telling those snippets of my story directly to the camera, and I can be as vague as I please. We spend another hour doing that.

"I spent so much of my life feeling unsafe, unwanted," I say during that interview, as Blairman focuses on his film camera. "And, when I saw someone getting picked on at school, I always wanted to do something, but I was too scared. Then, I became a ghost, and… Okay, I'll admit to pulling a revenge prank or two. Or, twenty," I add while fighting a grin. I snort at the next thought. "As well as the occasional glimpse into the girls' locker room." Blairman snorts too, and I raise my hands in a cheeky shrug. "I was fourteen. What can I say? Moving on. More and more ghosts started showing up, not all of them good, and…" I sober instantly and rest my hand over my core. "I felt this…pull to help. I didn't know about cores and Obsessions at the time. I just knew that…that I wanted to do something. I wanted to help these people. It was just like in school when I saw other kids getting picked on. I was still scared, but things were different now. It didn't really click until this lunch lady ghost showed up at Casper High and threw a somewhat justified hissy fit when the menu was replaced with 'recyclable organic matter,'" I roll my eyes at the memory, "also known as garbage." Blairman raises an eyebrow. "Don't ask. Anyway, I took down the lunch lady, and that's kind of when I realized that-that I could make something of my powers. It's not easy, but I'm glad I do what I do. And, I don't plan on stopping."

With a big smile, Blairman slices his hand through the air. "And, cut. That was beautiful, Phantom." A blush creeps over my cheeks as I rise from my seat. Blairman steps out from behind his camera and claps me on the shoulder. "This is gonna be a big hit. I can feel it!" He turns away and walks back to his camera. "Enjoy the rest of your day, Phantom. I don't know if I mentioned this, but it'll be just the two of us tomorrow, since Dash and Paulina have those school things to do."

Somehow, that doesn't seem as terrible as it used to. "What do you have in mind?"

"I was thinking a tour of Amity Park. Let everyone not from this town know exactly what you're defending."

"Works for me," I say with a thumbs-up. Unless something goes wrong - knowing my luck, it will - tomorrow sounds pretty low-key. I could use some low-key. I morph my legs into a wisp-like tail. "We just meeting up here?"

Blairman nods. "Around noon, perhaps?"

"I'll see you then."

I take off into the sky, which probably looks really awesome against the setting sun, and mull over the events of today.

I still don't know how to feel about Blairman. He's a shameless creep and has a questionable moral compass, but he really does seem to want this documentary to go well. Does he want humans and ghosts to coexist as much as I do? At this point, I'm thinking no. But, he does want people to like and appreciate what he does. I can sympathize with that.

Then, of course, there's Vlad's involvement. Mira suggested that he was just trying to help his friend make a movie. I suppose that's possible. Just because the guy's evil doesn't mean that everything he does is evil. But, if that's the case, why did he hurt Mira?

Shouting from down below breaks me out of my thoughts. I look down and realize that I'm directly over Paulina's mansion. I can't make out the words, but it doesn't sound like danger; it sounds like an argument.

Someone runs out into the front yard. It looks like Paulina. She slows down when she reaches the fountain - Why is there a fountain? - and sits down and puts her head in her hands.

Concern and Obsession - concern caused by Obsession? - propel me down to the yard. Upon closer inspection, I realize that she's crying.

"Paulina?" I say quietly, hovering with my tail still engaged.

Paulina jerks her head up as if I'd screamed and hastily swipes her hands over her face. Lucky for her, it seems that she's already removed her makeup. "W-what are you doing here?"

It's still strange to hear her sound anything other than confident. "I happened to be flying over your house, and I heard shouting. What's wrong?"

When she only turns her head away, I regain my legs and sit beside her. Paulina may be a bitch, but no one deserves to be alone when they're this upset. I know from experience how sucky that is.

Seeing that I'm not leaving, Paulina sighs heavily. "I've been thinking about what you said. About doing what you love, no matter what anyone thinks."

"And?" I prompt.

"I decided to tell my parents point-blank that I'm going to be a mechanic and they can't stop me." She slumps over to rest her chin in her hands and adds, "They didn't like that."

Unbelievable. Her own parents made her cry just because they don't agree with her!

…That sounds pretty familiar.

"I don't get it," I say, stamping down my anger. "What's wrong with you being a mechanic? Why are they so against it?"

Paulina sighs again. "My dad runs the most prominent shipping company in the world, and my mom has a successful line of cosmetics and won the Miss Universe pageant six years in a row on top of that."

Whoa. No wonder the family's loaded. "As impressive as that is, what does it have to do with anything?"

"Those two each have one thing on their minds. For Papa, it's money. He wants me to marry someone equally rich and that even if I didn't, my inheritance would keep me financially stable and then some for the rest of my life. As for Mom, she couldn't be happier that I turned out as pretty as she is. She expects me to be a pageant queen like her." Paulina sits up. "I like makeup and fashion, but I don't want it to be the only thing I'm known for."

When Paulina first told me that her parents don't approve of her choices, I didn't anticipate just how close to home it would hit. Whenever the topic of ghosts comes up, all my parents can think of is "rip it apart" and "dissect it" and "all ghosts are evil and the ones who appear otherwise are plotting something." At least Paulina can be in the same room as her parents without getting a gun pointed at her head.

"Parents, huh?" I say.

"Parents," Paulina agrees.

"No offense, but yours sound more sexist than most."

"Tell me about it."

Oh, I'll tell her about it. If I told my folks that my new dream is to see the day when ghosts and humans can mingle in peace, they'd send me to a psychiatrist. If I showed them why I want that so badly, who knows what would happen?

I'll take on an army of blood-thirsty ghouls on a whim, but when it comes to my own parents, I'm a coward.

Paulina isn't.

I rise and stand in front of her with my hands on my hips. "You listen to me, Paulina Sanchez. You are going to be the best damn mechanic in the country, and if your folks don't like it, that's their problem." Paulina opens her mouth. I don't let her speak. "I know you want their approval. Believe me, I get that." More than I can say. "But, what's worse? Losing them and loving what you do, or doing what they want and hating your life?"

"I don't like either of those," Paulina moans.

"I know you don't." I really, really know. "But in the long run, I think you'd rather be in a garage than in some rich dude's lap or on stage and covered in glitter."

Paulina hems and haws for a moment. "I honestly do like pageants. I just want to do other things, you know?"

"Then, put on a dress and parade around for some judges! But, also marry for love and fix cars for a living. Do what makes you happy. To hell with anyone who says otherwise!"

Paulina shoots her feet. Her brow is pinched in frustration, and her voice shakes. "I'm not brave like you! I can't just ignore what people think!"

"You're the brave one!" I snap. "My parents don't even know I died!"

The words flew out of my mouth against my will. There's no way to put them back in.

Paulina gapes like a fish for a moment. "They… They don't… Y-you're dead! How can they not know that?"

I need to tread carefully. I rub the back of my neck, silently cursing my carelessness. "Um… It's not important."

"It is important!" Paulina argues. "You've been around for at least two years! Your parents must be out of their minds, wondering what happened to you!"

My throat tightens, and I grab my arm without meeting her eyes. "Paulina…it's not an easy thing to say. I-I don't wanna talk about this. Just know that it's better if they never, ever find out."

We are silent for a long time. Then, Paulina asks, "Do they live in town? Your parents."

"Uh, no," I lie. "They…moved. After they gave up on me." I rip the words out, because Mom and Dad did give up on me once. Back when - little did they know - I got my powers and spiraled into the problem child as a result. They never said it, but I could see the disappointment in their eyes. I force myself to meet Paulina's gaze. "But, we're not talking about me."

Paulina holds up her index finger. "One more question. Do you at least…see them?"

Every day. "I check in on them sometimes. They never know I'm there. Obviously."

"You mentioned a sister. And, some friends. Do they know?"

I thought she said one more question. "We're supposed to be talking about you." I hate that face she's making, like she just watched a puppy get hit by a truck. "Things aren't perfect for me or for you. But, I'm doing things my way, and I'm happy to do it, even if it hurts. You need to do things your way. And, if-if your folks don't like it, then screw them!"

I believe those words, I realize with a pang. My parents hate me just because I'm a ghost, even if they don't know it, but I adore my ghost-half. I don't know how I went so long without it, how I went so long thinking that all ghosts were monsters. There are evil, vicious ghosts out there, but there are also kind, gentle ghosts and everything in between. The same goes for humans.

We're all the same where it counts. If Mom and Dad refuse to see that, then…

Then…

I don't want to think about it.

Paulina loosely crosses her arms and turns around to stare at her house.

"I know you love them," I say, my voice barely steady. "But, don't let them hold you back."

After a while, Paulina turns back to me and flinches a bit. My eyes must be black again. "Why are you being so nice to me?" she asks. "After what you said about…your human life-"

"You mean, being a loser?"

Paulina cringes. "Yeah. It sounds like Dash and I…remind you of your own bullies." She pales. "Did you go to Casper?"

Oh, shit. I quickly hold up my hands. "No! No, I-I went to- I lived in Amity Park, but-but I went to a different school." Paulina blows out a relieved breath. There's no reason to make her feel worse than she already does. "But, yeah. You and Dash…do remind me of-of my own tormentors." More than I'm willing to say.

"So, why be nice to me?"

I shrug. "It's who I am. I don't like seeing people in pain, physical or otherwise. Not if they didn't do anything to deserve it."

Paulina gazes at me with wonder before taking a step forward and whispering, "Would it kill the mood if I kissed you right now?"

…This is awkward. I take a step back. "I'm afraid you killed the mood just by saying that." Paulina grimaces and looks down with a fierce blush. "Talk to your parents. Make them see how much you want to follow your own path."

She glances at me. "And, if they won't accept it?"

"I'm not the person to ask." Because, I don't know, myself.