Present Day

Buzz, buzz.

No.

He knew without opening his eyes, without even fully waking that it was not time for him to but that didn't stop his phone from going off.

Buzz, buzz.

Mother fucker.

Jay flung a hand behind him to shut it up but he couldn't reach it, the only thing he didn't like about sleeping a bed this big so with an aggravated huff he begrudgingly unwrapped himself from around Tess and rolled over a few times until he could finally grab it.

Buzz-

He opened it up quickly but it took him a few seconds before he was able to read the texts, groaning when he realized they'd been called in. He shouldn't be surprised, they'd had the last five days off, a lull he'd known couldn't last, especially because it hadn't been Tess who'd given it to them. He had been a little surprised about that, she'd been trying to hide it but he knew that having their teams together was taking a heavy toll on her; she'd needed a gummy every night to go to sleep and they hadn't been peaceful ones. The last two nights he'd woken to her crying, so exhausted from putting on a smile during the day she couldn't hold it in anymore. And she hadn't even realized it. Speaking of her he could feel the mattress dip slightly and looked back to see her watching him from over her shoulder, her eyes wide open.

And sad.

"Hey, we caught a-"

Why was she sad?

Yeah she probably didn't want him to leave, he didn't want to either but that was the job and they both knew it. And this… this wasn't her lonely sad face. This was her guilty sad face but what did she have to be guilty of? It wasn't like she- oh she had. Just like that Tess's eyes shut and she slumped onto her back, the defeat that rippled off her breaking his heart. Jay didn't give a fuck that she'd found a case for them, all he cared about was that she felt like that was the only recourse she'd had. He hated that she was in this position at all.

He hated that he was the reason why.

With a heavy heart he crawled back over to her, loving the way her body relaxed into his when he cupped her face but hating the way her lips began to tremble. He needed to make her smile. He couldn't start his day with her crying.

"You know I can still see you right?"

Like he'd hoped she huffed a sad laugh but at the least the corner of her mouth turned up, before her eyes slowly fluttered open and they quickly fell again. "Can you forgive me?"

Like there was anything to forgive.

But she had asked for it so he gave it to her in the form of a gentle kiss, unable to stop laughing himself when he thought about what she'd done.

And he'd thought she'd given them time off.

"That was very sneaky. But I get it. This last week has been a lot huh?"

"It hasn't been bad, it's just…"

"It's a lot." He finished when she trailed off, once again loving and hating how tightly her hands gripped his arms when he gave her another kiss; like she was still afraid he'd disappear if she let go. It was too much, more than she deserved to carry and it was time he took some of it.

Took what he deserved to carry.

"It's going to be okay. I promise. I've let this go on long enough, I'm going to talk to her-"

"No." Tess said quickly and it was only the fear in her voice that stopped him.

Because he didn't want to listen to her. He wanted to demand that Viv finally let them sort their shit out so this wasn't affecting her anymore but he couldn't do that right now. Not when she was so rundown she couldn't handle the fallout. "You can't keep us apart forever. But I'll hold off until this case is done. Just don't give us another one alright? If you want a break that's fine but you need to ask for the next one."

"I promise." Tess said softly, pulling him in for another kiss before they let each other go.

He wanted her to go back to sleep, clearly she hadn't gotten a good one but once he realized she wouldn't he got her dressed in some of his things, finding himself hoping it would piss Vivienne off, then made her some tea and forced himself to head out. Not to the crime scene but to Adam's, his teammate having asked for a ride since Kim would have to stay with Mak until she dropped her off for school. Why he hadn't called Kevin Jay didn't know but he didn't mind helping out. He'd admit it was still weird to think of them as parents, less so after their pregnancy but an eight-year-old was a lot different than a baby. Sometimes he got a pang when he thought about their family, when it led him to thinking about the one he wouldn't have but Jay was more hurt by Tess's pain over their infertility than his own. He'd always kind of expected he would be a dad one day but not because he had any real love of children, they were fine and they deserved to be protected but they were basically drunk adults and he liked his down time, especially with how little he got. Still the smile on Adam's face as he came down from Kim's apartment, which he had just recently moved into since the two, apparently with some encouragement from Tess were trying to make a 'modern family' he couldn't help wondering what that would look like for them.

Would it be a baby? A teenager?

A few more cats?

Adam jumping into his truck brought him out of his head and he gave his friend a quick once over, confused by his bright smile. "You look chipper for someone who got woken up at six am."

"I've got a kid, I was already up." He answered with a grin, his face going soft as Jay drove off. "Kim was making pancakes. Mak gave me one of hers when she found out I had to leave."

"She's a sweet kid."

"Yeah, she's the best." He said with another big smile and Jay couldn't help matching it.

Picturing Kim as a mom had been easy, she'd always been the one who made sure everyone ate on shift and were taking it easy after they got hurt but Adam? As a dad? Yeah he'd be down for all the fun stuff, once the kid got old enough but he'd always been so wild that it was hard for Jay to imagine him settling down never mind giving someone a talking to. But it turned out he'd dived in headfirst and aside from him and Kim taking some time to figure out how things would work between them he hadn't had any issues. He was a dad now, and a good one. From the look he was getting his friend was wondering if it was a role he wanted for himself but he didn't ask about that. Instead he asked something a lot more relevant.

"So how's the viper?"

"She's going to kill you if she hears you call her that."

"Why? Her team does."

"Emphasis on her team. She might like Kim and Kevin but she's only tolerating the rest of us for Tess's sake."

"Then shouldn't she forgive you for her sake too?"

He wished it was that simple.

But what he'd done to Tess was only half of why Vivienne hated him. The other half was what he'd done to her and he honestly didn't know which she was more mad about. He didn't know if she knew.

He didn't think she cared.

"Man, you gotta stop beating yourself up over this."

"Would you?" He asked, a little sharper than he meant to be but even though he knew Adam was just trying to help Jay wasn't sure how much he was actually listening. "If you'd been the one to leave Kim, to leave Kev and Voight and the rest of us, would you want anyone going easy on you?"

Adam paused then shook his head but his answer told Jay he hadn't just been listening, he'd been thinking too. "No, I wouldn't. But I hope you guys would forgive me anyway. And I know I wouldn't have done it unless I thought it was my best option. We haven't talked about it much and I'm not going to say it didn't throw me but we know you man, and so do they. And this wasn't just on you. Much as I love Tess it takes two to tango. Or… you know… not."

He was right.

Jay knew it, everyone had been telling him it, almost everyone but that didn't make any of this any easier. Didn't tell him how to fix it.

"I just wish we were past this part. I hate what it's doing to her."

"And what about what it's doing to you?"

"I don't like that either."

This had been a horrible idea.

He'd known as soon as Vanessa suggested it after they finished their case, like the tension between their two groups would be any less at Molly's than it was at Tess's apartment and yet somehow they'd been convinced to come out anyway.

And now it was going to blow up in their faces.

The tension between him and Vivienne was the worst, everyone else was actually weirdly getting along but them… It was bad. And it had been growing ever since John and David had left to see their families and then Coulson had been called to D.C and Jay didn't know if it was their absence or if her anger was just growing but even though she hadn't made eye contact with him once tonight he'd felt her glaring. Felt it go from hot to boiling which was why he'd been doing his best to keep an eye on her, and why when he noticed the dangerous swagger in her step as she headed up to the bar for the fifth time he knew the eruption everyone had been trying to stave off was surging. And honestly he was ready for it but not here. They couldn't do that to Tess.

In an effort to give her space he'd been on the other side of the bar so he didn't know what she said that pissed Hermann off but he knew he had to get there fast; the old firefighter was just as likely to blow as she was, and just as loud. But then he heard their conversation and for a second Jay was tempted to let it all out.

"Someone want to explain what a white feather is?"

Fucking bitch.

"It's a symbol of cowardice in the military." He said roughly, ignoring Hermann, Stella and Kelly to focus on Vivienne.

He'd been hoping for a flicker of guilt, a flash of regret from the woman who knew exactly how deep that insult would wound him, who knew it wasn't true but it wasn't there. She was proud she had hurt him.

Hurt him the way he'd hurt Tess.

That and their location were the only things that had Jay taking a breath before he nodded to the empty glass in front of Stella. "It's alright Hermann. Go ahead and make it. She's right. It is deserved."

If he'd thought that would appease Vivienne he'd been wrong. Her lip curled in a silent snarl and she turned to leave, silently but not quietly. They hadn't been standing that far apart but she still went out of her way to smack her shoulder into his but as much as he wanted to shove her back, a reaction he hadn't expected and one he knew wasn't fair he let her go. And so did Stella. And so did Kelly. But that was it.

"Hey!" Hermann called after her as she walked away and instantly all Jay wanted was for him to shut up.

They couldn't do this now.

They couldn't do it here.

They couldn't do it to Tess.

"What?" Vivienne ground out as she whirled back around, giving Kelly a look of disdain when he stood to face her- the man ran into burning buildings for a living but Jay knew that if she got going every one of these first responders was going to regret it. They fought fires.

Not volcanos.

"Hey, watch the tone."

"I'm sorry, am I butting into your lives? This is a bar. I ordered a drink. You don't want to make it, fine. But you mind your own damn business." She demanded and he was torn between watching her and looking for Tess.

It wasn't that busy tonight but with everyone standing to watch the brewing fight he couldn't see her and that worried him.

"This bar is my business and I don't tolerate disrespect in it!" Hermann shouted, rapping his knuckles against said bar top before he pointed a finger at Jay. "You two got issues, you work them out somewhere else but as far as I can see he's the good guy here."

He wasn't though.

And now everyone was going to know it.

Even Michael and Adita who'd been making their way over stopped in their tracks, his team behind them all wincing but suddenly he didn't mind having an audience. He'd hidden this shame for so long, it was time it got aired out. And Tess sure as hell wouldn't do it, so why shouldn't be her best friend? Afterall, Vivienne was just keeping her promise.

One of them should.

"He is a fucking coward." She said slowly, the wrath in her voice permeating the air. "He told my best friend that he loved her and that he would always be there for her and when the woman they both loved like a mother was brutally murdered, he did nothing."

Every word was like a stab in his heart but he took them, only briefly shutting his eyes when she mentioned Lydia before he forced them open again. She had born witness to Tess's pain, the least he could do was stand tall when confronted with his own.

"He didn't call, he didn't text, he didn't go to one of the dozen places that he could have to see if she was okay, if she was even fucking alive, he did nothing. Does that sound like a good guy to you? Does it?"

No.

And he knew it.

He'd known it. And he still hadn't done anything differently.

"And what about what he did to me, huh?! Does a good guy fuck a woman and then hold her as she sobs after her homophobic father disowns her? Does he tell her she's the sister he never had then break the one and only promise he ever made her? Does a good guy abandon the people he called family?!"

No.

A good guy didn't break his promises. He didn't abandon his family and spend half a decade with his head shoved in the sand. A good man acted with honour, with courage and integrity. A good man wasn't a coward.

But he was.

"I'm asking you a fucking question." Vivienne demanded when Hermann stayed silent but after a minute the older man looked his way, nodding before he turned back to her.

"No." He answered slowly, what was left of Jay's heart sinking before he raised his chin. "But we can't be good all the time. And I may not know him well but I know that whatever mistakes he's made Jay Halstead is a good man."

"That's easy for you to say. His mistakes didn't destroy someone you loved."

Past tense.

Because Tess had died. Losing him killed her.

So she'd killed herself.