He is a fucking coward.

He did nothing.

Does a good guy abandon the people he called family?!

No. That wasn't what a good man did. At the time he'd told himself not going after Tess was justified, that it was what she'd wanted but he'd known he was lying to himself. Known there were things he could have done, he just hadn't done them. He had been a coward.

He still was.

How else could Jay explain the way he'd behaved since Tess had come home? The way he'd ignored the growing tensions with Hailey and Vanessa, how he'd ignored Tess, acting like he could fix what had changed in her, like she was some broken fucking doll he'd needed to put back together. She shouldn't still love him. The minute she'd seen him with Erin and realized he hadn't waited for her she should have turned her back and walked away, found someone who could actually make her happy. But she hadn't. Because she did still love him. Because for some reason he would never understand he was the one who made her happy. Even when he did a shit job of it.

The thought hurt so much he thought he was going to break the mug he was clutching but he wasn't quite ready to let it go yet, the burn of his coffee inside the ceramic felt like just punishment so he just took a few deep breaths instead, his eyes still locked on the dark liquid though all he saw was green.

He did nothing.

He is a fucking coward.

That was everything he'd spent his entire life trying not to be.

The reason he'd joined the force, the reason he'd enlisted, the reason he'd spent the years from four to nineteen fighting every wannabe bully in their neighbourhood, no matter how much bigger than him they'd been. Yes he hated seeing others in pain and yes he loved putting an asshole in their place but more than anything he loved the rush he got when he held his ground. When lesser men broke themselves against him. When men fell in line behind him. Why that why he always wanted to be the first one through the door? There was a voice at the back of his head that whispered he was wrong, that he cared about his team, about justice, about Tess and the rational part of him knew those things were true but he didn't understand how to square them with the rest. How could he trust his team and keep so much from them? How could he have called Greg, and Will for that matter his brothers but cut them out of so much of his life? How could he say Tess was the love of his life when he'd done nothing to keep her in it?

He did nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing." He said quickly, warily watching Nysa as she came down the hall, the other woman likewise giving him a long look before she slowed across from him in front of the coffee machine.

"She was wrong-"

"She wasn't." Jay said tightly, shaking his head but forcing himself not to back up. "She wasn't wrong and you know it."

"You know what I know?" Nysa asked lightly, cocking her head as she readied her own coffee.

If it had been anyone else he would have pressed, as good as he was at kicking his own ass he was ready for a fight, and he was especially ready for all these people who deserved to kick it to finally start doing it, but Nysa was different.

She'd always been kind to him, had respected his stripes in the military even though her own were much higher, respected his change from green to blue and had actively advocated for his relationship with Tess but truthfully… She kind of scared him. More than John who was twice his size, more than Michael who was exactly the kind of leader he aspired to be, than Coulson who gave off fatherly 'your existence will be erased if you hurt her' vibes, even more than Vivienne who he knew was dying to beat the shit out of him. There was just something about her steady brown gaze that could so easily flip between cool and warm, a perceptiveness that made him incredibly uncomfortable. And when her lips tugged into a small smile he knew she knew it.

"Why don't you tell me what you think I think?"

"I think you think that you trusted me to have Tess's back and I didn't. I think you think less of me for that and I think you're right to. And I think- I know I am less for doing that. For doing nothing."

"You didn't do nothing."

"Yes I did."

"No, you didn't." She said in that tone that was both soft and firm, and that promptly shut him up. "You stayed. You, a man who has dedicated his life to fighting other people's battles, stayed because you knew she could fight her own. Because you knew that was the best thing you could do for her. Not to wait. But to stay."

He had done that.

When Chicago had felt like it was suffocating him, when he'd had the chance, even the desire to go back to the army with Greg, he hadn't.

He had stayed.

Jay swallowed heavily, forcing himself to hold Nysa's stare when all he wanted was to bow his head in shame, like he didn't deserve the hope that flickered in his chest. "Why… Why do you think me staying was best for her?"

"Because I saw what having us follow her did. Even when she told us not to, even when we didn't…" She took a deep breath and he knew she was letting her guard drop so he could see the guilt in her eyes, because she wanted him to know he wasn't the only one who felt it. "We still took on the consequences of her actions and she carries that. If you and Mouse had been there too I truly believe that as much help as you would have been it would have broken her. She still would have risen from it, she doesn't know how to stay down but it would have been more than she deserves to bear."

She always took on too much.

The first time he'd met her he'd thought she was the strongest person he'd ever known and every time he thought she'd been through the worst, that she couldn't possibly carry any more she found a way to do it. To do it the right way.

The world is cruel. So I won't be.

"It doesn't feel like enough."

"She thinks it is. What do you care for more, your guilt or her?"

"Her." He answered immediately, pushing down the urge to get offended she even had to ask.

"Then let it be enough. For her sake, until it is enough for you too."

"Thank you." He said quietly, holding her stare until she dipped her chin with a small smile.

"I was never angry at you by the way. Or even disappointed. I knew we would end up here." Nysa said confidently, before she flicked her eyes behind her. "You should go back to her."

"She went to go visit Lydia."

That made her smile fade, her brows furrowing slightly. "When?"

"About an hour ago."

It was only six-thirty now which was a lot earlier than she liked to be up but she hadn't had a good sleep. He didn't think she'd slept at all. Jay knew he hadn't. He could tell she'd been torn, like being with him had meant she was hurting Vivienne but even though he'd told her she could go to her friend, that she should go she hadn't. She'd just tossed and turned, into him and then away until finally she'd said she needed to clear her head but though he'd offered to go with her she had asked for space. So he was giving it to her. And he should probably get some for himself before the others started waking.

The last thing anyone needed was a repeat of last night.

"If she's not back in a few hours could you check on her?"

"Of course. But where are you going?"

"I've got a pile of paperwork with my name on it." He said with a less forced but still sad smile, hesitating when he want to walk past her before he gently put a hand on her shoulder. "Thank you. Really."

"You are welcome. Try to have a good day. Stud."

That got him to laugh and he gave her a little squeeze, his throat going thick again when she squeezed back; they only stayed like that for a couple seconds but her support helped to settle the rest of his nerves. Well, most of them. He did have paperwork but nothing that had to be done right away, he didn't think the rest of the team would even be in today and while part of him wondered if he was doing the wrong thing by leaving, if maybe he should barge into Vivienne's room and demand they sort their shit out he was pretty sure that wasn't the best way to handle this. At least not yet. Let her team put her in her place today. He'd find his own time to.

He was done doing nothing.

And he wasn't staying back anymore either.

He'd been right. Trudy's raised brows as he walked in told him she hadn't been expecting to see him and her pursed lips told him she knew exactly why she was; Mouch had probably given her the full run-down as soon as he'd gotten home. But when she opened her mouth Jay shook his head, better than his usual response of running away when he didn't want to talk about something and while she gave him a look she let him go.

Too bad Voight wouldn't do the same.

"What are you doing here?"

"Getting a jump on my paperwork." He said simply but the way his Sergeant looked at him made it clear he knew the truth. "Trudy told you."

"She mentioned something went down at Molly's last night. I'm guessing it wasn't too bad since you don't have anymore bruises." He answered with a pointed look at the one on his cheek from where Vivienne had smacked him during their sparring last week.

But that had been nothing. He'd gladly get in another brawl with her.

It would hurt less.

He knew he hadn't said that out loud, that habit was specific to Tess but the sigh Voight let out told him he knew him well enough to guess what he'd been thinking. "You got to stop carrying this Jay."

"Everyone keeps telling me that." He said as he took a seat behind his desk, unsurprised but still touched when Voight pulled a chair over to sit with him; they didn't get personal often, usually only when it was affecting the job but it was always nice to know he cared.

"So why aren't you?"

"Would you have?" It was the same question he'd asked Adam but as helpful as his friend had been he was hoping the older man would have more wisdom.

"You remember what I told you when you stood up to me about Pulpo?"

Jesus that had been a long time ago. A lifetime it felt like.

But he still remembered.

"You told me you make the best decision you can in the moment. That sometimes you're right and sometimes you're wrong."

Voight nodded, lifting one shoulder in a half shrug. "That's all there is to it. You made the choice you could live with. So did Tess. You both have to carry that."

"She's carrying too much." He found himself whispering, his own shoulders lowering as if they could feel the weight that sat on hers.

"Everything I've heard says she can handle it. And what I know from being married to a strong woman is that they don't need us to solve their problems for them- they just want us there beside them."

The only way he'd stop doing that was over his dead body.

"I think she'd also appreciate it if you stopped using yourself as a punching bag." He said wryly, pointing to his cheek again as he stood. "Next time trying giving what you get."

"That's more dangerous than you realize."

"You're stronger than you realize." Voight said seriously, more than he was expecting which made his belief hit harder.

Thank God he went back into his office then because between their conversation and the one he'd had with Nysa Jay's head was spinning. Jay knew what they'd both said was right and even though his priority was making sure he wasn't hurting Tess he knew he had to focus on himself too; yes he'd made choices he regretted but if he wanted to move forward he was going to have to forgive himself. But he wasn't going to be able to do that until someone else forgave him.

Vivienne.

Once upon a time she'd been his biggest fan and now she was the person who hated him most, not just for what he'd done to Tess but for what he'd done to her.

Does a good guy tell a woman she's the sister he never had then break the one and only promise he ever made her?

I'll always be here for her.

I promise.

He hadn't gone after Tess. He hadn't called her, hadn't texted her, hadn't done a dozen other things but he had done that. He had been here and Viv fucking knew it and the more he thought about that the angrier he got. She was the one who'd broken her promise, she was the one who was supposed to have called him and she fucking hadn't. And now she wanted to act like a bitch and blame him?

She was the one who was hurting Tess now, not him.

"Jay."

He looked up suddenly to see Voight staring at him, holding back a smirk as he nodded to something behind him. Michael. A quick glance at his computer showed it was after lunch, he hadn't even felt the time passing and he hurried to stand, only relaxing when Michael held up a hand.

"Everything's fine. I just wanted to see if you were done for the day."

"Take him." Voight answered for him, giving him another look before he headed back into his office.

"I took a cab, if you don't mind driving us back?" Michael asked, seeming to hold back a smirk as he looked around the empty bullpen. "You might want to call Kevin and Adam to meet us there- the rest of your team showed up a little while ago and I'm sure they brought out the sangria."

Jay was snorting at the image before he'd fully processed it, and it took until they were down in the car park before he had. Kim he could easily see going to check on Tess but Hailey? And Vanessa? That was harder to picture but he wouldn't deny he liked it. It was one step closer to putting Tess behind a desk up there with them.

But right now he needed to focus on the man beside him.

Michael had been quiet but Jay had felt him watching him, but he waited until they were on the road before he met his stare.

"You reached the angry stage." The other man said simply, smiling when he nodded.

"I did."

"Good."

"Are we finally going to talk now or you want to keep holding off?"

Michael didn't really deserve his ire but he took it, nodding slowly before he took a breath. "You know I'm a man of few words. And I will admit I did want you to sweat a little. But mostly I wasn't sure what I wanted to say."

"And now?"

"What she did, who she became…" He paused and took another breath, a deep one that made his gut twist and his heart ache, first with pain.

Then with love.

"She was a tempest. She shook the whole world up. But she hasn't changed it yet. I think she's going to do that now." Michael said quietly, the look he gave Jay making it clear he thought she was going to do that with him. Maybe had even waited for it. "I'm glad she has you. And I'm glad we do too."

"You do. You didn't before, not the way you should have but you do now." He whispered, cursing the roughness in his voice even though he knew Michael didn't care.

He just smiled and nodded, then made the very wise suggestion that they pick up food for the women. Jay reached out to Adam and Kevin as they waited and they agreed to meet at the Haven for some 'bro time' as Adam called it, but he still found his heart beating faster than normal as they headed inside, right up until he saw Tess sitting on the sectional with all the other girls gathered around her. She looked so much better than she had this morning, lighter; clearly she'd had some of conversations herself.

"Jay."

Yet it was Vivienne who called his name, clearly an olive branch though her tone made it obvious she wasn't happy about it. Jay held her stare for a long minute, so many conflicting feelings rushing through him before finally he dipped his chin back.

"Viperous bitch."

Adita and Vanessa quickly covered shocked laughs while Vivienne's eyes narrowed but he didn't care. He just brought the food over and gave Tess a soft kiss, grateful when he felt her smirking. It had been Luke who'd given her that nickname but after he'd died they'd stopped using it, the reminder too painful. Until he'd brought it back. Unintentionally of course but Tess had told him that was what made it perfect. He may not be with them all the time but he was still family.

And it was time Vivienne remembered that.