Nine Years Ago

She was getting antsy.

It was normal, whenever she'd been home for a while she got this way, extra fidgety, more stuck in her head. Just on edge. He got it, he'd been the same way when he was in the Rangers, hell he got that way now if he went more than a week without a case it just… It really sucked sometimes that her job had to take her so far away.

Jay took a deep breath and tilted his head back to let the water run over it but he only got a minute to breathe before the bathroom door burst open, a hand, Greg's, thrusting through the curtain and shutting off the water before a towel quickly followed.

"Dude-"

"Nysa and Michael are here and their faces do not look good."

Shit.

He quickly wrapped the towel around his waist and jumped out, thanking God he'd brought some clean clothes in with him. The last thing he needed was for any more of Tess's teammates to see him naked.

"Are you serious?"

A shared look with Greg as Tess's voice came down the hall had him forgoing modesty and he dropped the towel to get dressed as quickly as he could, pausing again when he heard her next shout. At least part of it.

"-grenade launcher!"

"Did we hear her right?" Greg asked slowly, looking pretty much the way he felt- impressed and worried.

Because he was pretty sure they had.

Hurriedly throwing his shirt on together they made their down the hall, their quiet footsteps not needed as the shouting match they walked into covered their entrance.

"You nearly started an international incident!" Michael yelled, something Jay had never seen him do outside an op. But he had seen Tess give that eyeroll.

"Oh please-"

"Enough!"

They both quieted when Nysa got between them, finally noticing he and Greg and Jay didn't know if it was their presence or if Michael was just that fed up but he gave Tess a harsh look he'd also never seen him give. "You're sitting this one out. That's an order."

With that he walked out and before Jay knew it he was rushing after him, hurt by but understanding of the wary way the other man looked him over; they both knew he was on Tess's side before anyone else but that didn't mean he didn't know sometimes she was wrong.

"I just want to know what she did."

"She accused a Nigerian diplomat of selling arms. During his press conference."

Oh shit.

He'd heard about that. He always tried to keep up with world news, not just because it made him feel more connected to her but also because he liked being informed. As informed as a third party could be because from what he'd seen that press conference had been cut short due to terror threats, threats a diplomat had only later been connected to.

"I heard something about a grenade launcher?" He asked slowly, honestly not sure the lengths she might've gone to.

He didn't really know that side of her.

Michael just shook his head but his reluctant wry smile had him relaxing. Slightly. "That at least was used properly. Can't say it was necessary but she got the job done."

One job.

What about her other?

"How bad is it?"

This time Michael sighed, deeply, and when he shook his head again there was no smile, nothing but frustration and worry. And it took him a moment to answer, partly thinking it through and partly by the looks of it wondering what he should tell him. But while they didn't see each other often they'd worked together enough that they'd each gotten the other mans measure and after a he gave a beseeching look Michael nodded.

"This will pass but… I don't know how far she's going to go." He said finally, his shrug bringing all his tension back. "When she gets in that mood I can't stop her. Nothing can. And the agency is already tired of putting up with it. And they aren't the only enemies she's making."

No.

They wouldn't be.

And his girl might be strong but she couldn't take on the whole world.

"I'll talk to her." Jay said quietly, not really sure what he could accomplish but willing to try.

For the grateful and hopeful look Michael gave him he had to.

With one last nod he slipped back into the apartment, coming to a fast halt when he saw Nysa staring Tess down, his girlfriend looking more chastened than he had ever seen her, and her teammate looking more disappointed. They both paused when they saw him but after a second the Israeli woman turned back to Tess, giving one last parting shot before she too left.

"You owe him more respect than how you have treated him."

For a long minute after she walked out there was silence but then Tess finally took a breath, already shaky with tears and he quickly made his way over, pulling her in and then squeezing her tighter as she started to cry. He didn't know what she was thinking but he knew she felt like shit and it was his job to make her feel better. And if he could…

Maybe get her to fall a little more in line.

"Is this what I'm like?" He asked quietly, giving Mouse a dry look at his amused snort.

"Pretty much. I actually think you're worse but she is an impressive sulker."

"She can hear you."

Fuck.

They both winced but Mouse quickly grinned, even as he slowly started backing up into the kitchen. "She is also prettier than you. And smarter. And kinder. And stronger. Just an overall amazing human being who I would never want to piss off because she's so stunningly perfect!"

Jay watched Tess shake her head and roll her eyes from where she sat at the dining table, really not far enough that they should've thought she wouldn't hear their whispered conversation but she didn't look at them. She'd barely taken her eyes off her computer the last three days, adamant that if she wasn't allowed to be with her team in person she would get as close as she possibly could. Given what she was capable of Jay was kind of surprised she hadn't followed them anyway but between he, Mouse, Lydia and Coulson they'd managed to convince her that would be a bad idea and would only prolong how long the agency decided to keep her on the bench. Which as of right now was just for this op but as she'd been told by a dick of a superior could easily become 'indeterminate'.

Jay didn't think he'd ever seen her so pissed.

He and Mouse had again been standing off to the side listening to her conversation and had both been wildly unprepared when she calmly hung up the phone before whipping it at the wall.

It had embedded halfway through the plaster.

He'd thought she'd been about to blow again when she realized the damage she'd caused but instead she'd just sucked down a breath and asked him to take her to the hardware store, giving Mouse an unimpressed look when he suggested they just hang something over it. She'd also insisted on patching the hole herself, only throwing a small amount of the plaster at Mouse when he kept commenting how impressive of a throw it had been. Their friend had laid off the teasing after that, mostly because she'd spent the rest of the day looking like she was about to burst into tears. His only saving grace was that she was accepting his attempts at comfort, despite both of them knowing they were only half successful. That was what he hated most. That he didn't know how to help her, how to get through to her.

That she didn't seem to want to be gotten through to.

"Anything new?"

She just shook her head as he took a seat next to her, tensing when he cupped the back of her head before her shoulders sagged when he pulled away, not wanting his touch but not wanting to hurt him.

He hated that too.

"Listen, I know you want to look out for them and I think you should but I don't think spending every day sitting here is good for you." Jay said quietly, praying that she would listen; he'd given her the first few days but since she wasn't showing any signs of pulling back he had to say something. Had to do something to make her smile. "At least I get you for your birthday next week now."

The sting at her unimpressed look hurt but it only took a second after it hit for her hand to jump from the keyboard to his, squeezing tightly as she flicked her eyes to his, the dark blue heavy with guilt. "I'm sorry. I am happy about that, I'm just…"

"Why don't we go to Duncan's?" He suggested when she trailed off, a good fight was probably just what she needed but Tess was quick to shake her head. And to pull her hand away.

"No thanks. There is no way this has stayed quiet and the last thing I need is to get in even more shit because some dumbass said something and I knocked him out."

That was definitely true.

"We could go to a regular gym? Or just push the coffee table back?"

"And break something else in here? I think not."

"Then we'll go for a walk." She tensed again, she was as stubborn as a fucking mule sometimes but Jay wasn't letting this go. "You need to get out of here. You need to stop thinking about this."

"Would you?" She snapped, giving him a hard look before they both sucked down a couple breaths.

He hated fighting with her.

"Tess-"

"After dinner." She said quickly, taking his hand again and giving it a much gentler squeeze. "We can go for a walk after dinner. We'll have to work off all the butter I can smell him adding."

"I heard that!"

"You were meant to!" She called back to Mouse as he poked his head out from the kitchen but Jay wasn't fooled by the tight smile she gave either of them.

But what could he do?

He didn't know but he was going to have to figure it out.

She was gone again.

Even before he opened his eyes Jay knew she wasn't beside him, because if she had been he would've felt her. Tess didn't understand personal space, at least not when she was asleep; she was either draped on top of him, curled tightly into his side or had dragged him on top of her. Some people mind find it annoying but he loved it, for a couple reasons. Firstly because despite the fact that he'd been out of the military for two years now it still reminded him that he was home, that he was safe and loved. And secondly, and most importantly, it reminded him that she was home. She was safe and she clearly felt loved.

Which was why it hurt so much every time she crept out of bed without him.

He understood why she did it, she was the one who'd taught him that it was okay to sit with your feelings, even the bad ones, especially those ones but this was the third night in a row he'd woken to find her gone. Jay knew getting benched was taking a toll, she didn't handle prolonged inactivity well and having it be forced was even worse. And he didn't know how to help. He'd tried being supportive, tried giving her space but nothing seemed to be working. With a heavy sigh he went to find her, unsurprised to see her on the floor in front of the couch, huddled over her computer like some kind of cute gremlin but the warm feeling in his chest cooled fast when he saw her screen. At first he thought the files were of her team's targets but they were in South America and those men were too white looking. Too corporate.

They were agents.

What the hell was she doing?

Tess suddenly startled and slammed her laptop shut and her guilty look as she scrambled to her feet told him he was right to worry. "What are you doing?"

"You should go back to sleep Jay."

Like hell he would. What she was doing…

"Tess, that is treason." He said slowly but clearly she didn't share his concerns, immediately giving him an unimpressed look.

"Seriously? What do you think I'm going to do, sell it to the highest bidder?"

"I don't know!" He found himself shouting but he didn't care. He couldn't think clearly enough to. "I don't know. I don't… I don't know this side of you. This isn't a woman I recognize, this isn't the woman I fell in love with."

Fuck.

That was the problem with fighting, especially this late. Because he'd taken it too far. He'd seen it in the split second her face had fallen, had fucking broken but it quickly hardened again. Too quick and too fucking hard. "You knew who I was when you came to me. Mouse told me he told you what I'd done-"

"But that was before! But you, you chose to join the agency, you chose to work for the government-"

"With." Tess snapped, so angry she was practically vibrating. "I chose to work with the government and I made that very clear to them because unlike you I don't just follow someone because they have more stripes than I do."

Fuck.

Jay hated fighting with her but damn were they good at it.

Knowing someone's buttons wasn't always a good thing.

"So now you have an issue with loyalty?"

"I have an issue with blind loyalty. You always assume that just because someone is in a position of authority that they're a good person and they're going to do the right thing but that is not always the case."

"Do you actually think I don't know that?"

"Do you actually think I would commit treason?" She shouted, clearly hurt by the accusation but as shitty as it made him feel he just didn't know anymore.

"How many times have you joked about being the next Edward Snowden?"

"Okay I'm going to jump in here."

He jumped when Greg spoke up from behind him, and so did she but each of them quickly cowed at the wary but resolved look he gave them. It probably wasn't fair how often he got dragged into their fights, not that they happened often but when they did they went big.

And neither of them could deny he was good at setting them straight.

"Someone want to tell me what's going on?" He asked slowly, holding up his hands when they went to talk over each other. "In a tone that won't wake up the rest of our neighbours."

"He's pissed because he found out I'm putting together dossiers on everyone at the agency. To be used if needed." Tess said tightly but while he'd been expecting his friend to be on his side he made it clear that wasn't the case.

"I've been doing the same. It's a hacker thing. And a smart thing. The agency isn't like the military Jay and you know that." Greg told him seriously, a hot flush of shame washing over him at his disappointed look. And because he was right. "And I did the same when we were in the Rangers, which you also know."

"Seriously?"

"I'm not done yet. Cause I want to know what you think the scenarios are when that information would be useful." He told Tess next and it made him feel like an ass but he was glad to see she wasn't getting off the hook either.

"I haven't gotten that far. I haven't." She said firmly and his heart ached at the way she crossed her arms over her chest- for some people that was a sign of stubbornness but for Tess it meant she was trying to keep herself together. "I just… I needed to do something."

That was fair.

That was something he should have expected he just… seeing those files on her screen had scared him. He didn't know if that was a fight she could win and he sure as shit didn't want to see what trying would do to her.

But that wasn't his call.

"You need to give her more credit." Greg told him sternly, holding his stare until he nodded and then he turned back to her. "And you need to listen to him because as right as you are, he is too. Now keep it down or I'm going to spank you both." He said before heading back to his room but Jay didn't watch him go.

He was too focused on Tess, the way she turned away and tilted her head up, the rapid flutter of her lashes confirming she was trying to hold back tears. Nothing in the world made him feel like more of an ass than making her cry and while he knew they still needed to talk what he cared about more was making sure she was okay. Thank God she let him pull her in, let him kiss her, relief rushing through him when she grabbed his shirt.

"I'm sorry. Let's just go to bed okay, we can talk tomorrow-"

"No." She said with a rough shake of her head, her fingers now digging into his sides. "I'm not going to sleep thinking you're angry with me."

"I'm not. And I shouldn't have said all that stuff-"

"Yes you should have. I know that I'm on edge, on the edge, I just-" She shook her head and pressed into him, more strung out than he'd realized and he quickly moved them over to the couch, tucking her hair behind her ears as he brought her as close as he could.

"Tell me what you're thinking?"

That was all he ever wanted and thank God she trusted him enough to tell him.

"I don't like fighting the agency. I mean sometimes I do, they're assholes and they deserve it but I don't like getting in trouble, I don't like getting my team in trouble or putting them in danger but I… I see it." She whispered, her voice full of desperation and ferocity and the more she explained the more he saw it too. "I see what they and all these other agencies and governments are doing, I see the ways they use their power to keep people down and keep themselves in power and I just… I can't be a part of that. But I can't not do anything either. It's like I'm fucked no matter what- whether I'm on the inside or the outside I'm still a traitor-"

No she wasn't.

She was the furthest fucking thing and Jay hated himself for putting that idea in her head. For putting it in his because he knew how much of her belief in herself came from his belief in her.

"You aren't and I never should have said that you were. I just… You and Greg are right, I know that, it's just… It's not what I saw. I was too focused on the guys on the other side of the line to think about the people who sent us there."

That was what soldiers did. They followed orders and let others pick up the pieces of what they broke.

"The world needs people like you." Tess said softly, her fingers trailing over his jaw so gently it made him want to cry.

Because that was true, but the world needed people like her too.

People who wanted to make the world better, not just stick with the status-quo.

"The world needs you. But I need you too. We all do so you need to find a way to do the job your way without pissing too many people off okay?"

"I don't think that's going to be easy."

It definitely wouldn't be. It would be hard and long and painful, but whenever she needed him he'd be here.

"I'll always need you."

Thank God for that.

Jay pulled her in for another kiss, grateful when she immediately nuzzled into him when he lifted her up to take her back to bed. There were a lot of hard times ahead of them but they'd get through them. Together.

To whatever end.

He hurried up the stairs as quickly as he could, because of course today would be the day the elevator decided to take for fucking ever. Was someone getting off on every floor or something? Or had the people they were waiting for finally arrived?

Tess's team came back today. Technically it was just Michael and Nysa, and technically they'd gotten back two days ago but they'd gone to Langley first for their debrief, a quick stop before they joined the others who were in the Middle East getting ready for their next op. If Tess went with them was up to Michael. According to the phone call she'd had yesterday with Coulson her team leader had fought for it to be his decision, apparently the agency had wanted her to sit out longer, to drive their lesson home and make her feel like shit in the process, something he'd stopped doubting was intentional, partly because of their conversation two weeks ago and partly thanks to Vivienne who'd been keeping him up to date on what she'd been hearing. Both from agency gossip and from Michael. Who apparently wasn't sure if he should bring them with her. Which was fair, he might just be a patrol cop now but as a former squad and platoon leader he understood the responsibility that was on Michael's shoulders, the weight that came from making the wrong and even the right decisions.

That was why Jay was hoping he'd get there in time to speak to him first.

But in case they had gotten here before him he resisted the urge to book it down the hall when he made it to their floor, instead just walking as fast as he could before he slipped in hopefully nonchalantly, relaxing when Mouse gave him a thumbs up from the couch. The coast was clear. But when that thumb pointed towards his room he knew the skies weren't.

Tess had been doing a lot better since they'd talked, had been a lot more open to listening to their suggestions and sharing where she was coming from, had actually been able to relax and enjoy herself but that didn't mean she wasn't still bothered. And if she wasn't able to go back out, not because the agency didn't want her to but because Michael didn't… that would kill her. Thankfully when he found her in their room she was in a staring contest with the closet and not the window. She whirled the second she heard the door open, only relaxing slightly when she saw it was him, her eyes softening as they ran over his uniform.

She really did like him in blue.

Just as much as she had in green.

"You going in there?"

"May-be." She answered smartly, the way her fingers flexed at her sides telling him she was working hard to control her jitters.

He'd found her in there a few times, she said the darkness helped to slow her brain down but it was cramped in there so instead he flicked off the light and shut the curtains.

"What're you doing?"

"I don't fit in the closet."

With a startled laugh she walked right into his arms, burrowing as deep as she could into his chest while her arms wrapped tightly around his waist.

"Whatever happens it's going to be okay. I promise." She nodded but they only had a couple minutes like that before they heard a knock at the front door and she stiffened again, giving him a confused look when he didn't let her go. "I want you to let me talk to Michael first."

"Jay-"

"Please."

Tess eyed him for a second but nodded, taking a deep breath and then stealing a kiss before she took a seat on the bed. He couldn't do the same, in here she would see him and out there they would so instead he just moved, giving Michael and Nysa a dip of his chin when they paused mid-conversation with Mouse, relaxing a little when they each returned it before he turned to Michael.

"Can I speak with you?"

The other man raised a brow and shared a glance with his teammate but followed him out to the balcony, giving him a curious but open look. Trusting. "How was she?"

"A tempest." He answered honestly, watching as Michael huffed, unsurprised and even amused but still wary; a leader needed to be able to rely on their team, to know they would follow the orders they were given.

But they also had to know their weaknesses.

And play to their strengths.

"She's not like us." Jay said slowly, hoping his face portrayed the confidence he felt. "People like us make the world a safer place but Tess… She's going to change it. And I know that's going to mean more casualties but I think that's something all of us want to be a part of."

For a long minute Michael just stared at him, and he didn't know the other man well enough to guess what he was thinking but then he nodded, and smiled, hesitating for a second before he put a hand on his shoulder. "Thank you Jay. I'm glad she has you."

With a quick squeeze he slipped back inside and he finally took the breath he needed, filling his lungs until a sudden, and subtle rustle behind him had it rushing back out.

"Jesus Christ!"

"No. Just me." Nysa said as she stepped up beside him, with a bigger smile than he'd ever seen her give, which was saying something considering it was still pretty small; she was a kind woman but it was hard to read her, which he was sure was intentional. "May I join you?"

"Of course. Can you tell me how you think it's going?"

"He knew he was going to let her return with us but after speaking with her, and speaking with you, I think he feels much better about it."

Thank God for that.

Jay had felt kind of useless the last few weeks, he knew Tess relied on him but it was hard when all the support he could provide her was cuddles.

For the second time tonight he was surprised by a hand on his shoulder, he and Tess's team got along well but the only one he really knew was Vivienne, but by the look Nysa gave him he wasn't the only one thinking that should change.

"Don't underestimate what it means to be the person she comes home to. Even the strongest need a safe place to rest."