Jasper laid curled on the bed, staring at the wall, his arms wrapped tightly around his torso, and his fingers digging into his ribs as he kept counting on his head.
He was suppose to be at work, in Ireland… but he hadn't been able to move the whole morning, it all had started with a headache, and now he couldn't stop shaking, and he felt too hot for comfort. He had assured Alice that the headache would disappear once he had some blood.
He didn't even leave the room.
And he wished he had accepted her offer to stay with him, but she had started a job in town to keep appearances, he couldn't remember the name of the place, but she liked it, she said she got to paint a lot of people's fingernails, and she got to hear a lot of stories about people's lives.
He hadn't wanted her to not go to work because of him, he didn't like holding her back, she should be able to have fun and do things.
Plus, it wasn't the first time this happened, nor it would be the last.
And still, somehow, this felt much more worse than the usual… episodes…
His throat was melting down, his stomach was cramping like a madman, and his head ached with unforgiving might.
He could feel Esme's relaxed emotions, she was at the garden, most likely working on the lilies she was trying to grow, he wished he was there, he liked gardening, it reminded him of his mother, Alice, of the fact that he could actually not break something so frail.
He could also feel Rosalie's irritation, he heard she had been fired, again, something about punching a client, and for what he had heard, he didn't see the problem, she had punched a man who had kept insisting on a woman to give him her phone number.
Had ignored Rosalie's warnings to piss off, so she punched him, might or might have not dislocated his jaw, point is, Jasper couldn't understand why had she been fired, or why she even got threatened with being arrested.
She had done nothing wrong, he would have done the same, a man was suppose to step back once given the first negative, there should never be a second nor a third one, no was no and thinking otherwise was just messed up.
Point is, Rosalie had done what was right, he knew violence wasn't the answer, but sometimes violence was just the way to go, Alice said that that wasn't right, but he struggled to grasp the concept of having to talk everything out.
His father used to scold him a lot for fighting.
"A gentleman needs no fists to make his point known Jasper."
But his brother did said fists did send a message to stubborn people who refused to take a hint.
"If you try to talk it out and have to repeat yourself twice, that's enough, you're no parrot, knock their teeth out or just leave."
That's what he had said, but sometimes leaving was not the answer, and since talking wasn't it either.
Punching was it.
Like in this case, so, Rosalie was right and she shouldn't have been fired.
But he guessed that that might just be another thing he still doesn't have quite clear about the modern world.
He rolled on the bed, taking in a deep breath and sighing at the relief the cool air brought to his flaming throat.
God, he was starving, but at the same time, the sole idea of blood made his stomach turn. He turned again on the bed, biting back a groan as he did, each movement he made felt like the biggest feat to have ever been thrown at him. He wanted to sleep, but he couldn't sleep if his throat was burning.
And his damn head won't stop pounding.
Like a sledgehammer smashing his skull, over, and over, and over again.
He moaned as he curled on his side, hand clutching his stomach tightly as he fought the sudden wave of nauseas.
But that didn't help at all, and he ended up crawling off the bed and standing up, stumbling as he did so for the dizziness that hit him made the walls spin and the floor sway beneath his feet. He tightened his jaw and grabbed the nightstand for support. His throat was burning way too much, and he was pretty sure his vision wasn't suppose to be doing that.
He tried to swallow past the venom accumulating in his mouth, but found it hard to do when a gag left him. The pressure in his stomach grew twice as stronger and he almost didn't manage to get to the bathroom where he dropped on his knees infront of the toilet and retched, throwing up all the blood he had consumed yesterday along with the venom in his stomach. It made his throat burn twice as hard.
His head throbbed and his fingers gripped the ceramic bowl, making it crack under his grip. His stomach screamed and twisted as he felt more vomit crawl up, coughing as the back of his throat stung like a bitch.
Another wave of nausea made his stomach constrict, but this time nothing else came up. And when he felt the eternal torture end, all he was left with was with his muscles shaking and with his throat threatening to melt down under the sheer heat of it. Ragged useless breaths leaving him in a reflex to sooth his blazing throat, tight and burning from the inside out.
He spat one last time on the toilet bowl before leaning back from it and resting his back against the cool ceramic of the bathtub. He wasn't sure for how long he sat there fighting to lower the heat of his throat, but the sudden knock at the door startled him.
He was quick to get up and flush the toilet, washing his mouth and face so as to get rid of the blood and sweat.
When he was done he was quick to snatch the mask from the nightstand before getting to the door, opening it.
Rosalie was there.
Rosalie.
Rosalie.
-I'm going hunting. You are coming with me.- It wasn't a question, but a statement of fact.
-No, thank you.- He tried to close the door, but Rosalie didn't let him, her hand coming to stop the door.
-I wasn't asking.
Jasper scowled, right now his stomach was in no mood at all for him to be dawning animal blood nor any blood for that matter. The idea of throwing up again didn't settle well with him nor it did having to stand the close-up stench of animals. He felt too much like shit for it.
-You didn't go hunting with the others this morning. Esme is worried, so, you are coming with me.- Rosalie stated, not giving room for argument as she turned around and began walking. She didn't feel him follow her and so she stopped, not turning around as she spoke.- Today Jasper.
A sigh along with the door closing let her know he had given up on refusing to follow her. She hadn't been planning on inviting him, but Esme had insisted on her taking him out to see if he would finally eat something, even more so after hearing him throwing up, something about maybe food being able to help with his nausea.
So, taking him hunting was it.
Esme smiled at her as they walked past her. He walked a few feets behind her, the silence reigned in the woods. The chirping of birds, the dancing branches and the rustling leaves being the only sound along with Jasper's weirdly heavy footsteps.
That was a first, he had never had footsteps before, though all things considered she guessed it shouldn't surprise her. Alice did said he wasn't feeling well.
And she had heard him throwing up, so there was that, it was odd, how he could go from being perfectly fine to being unable to leave the bed.
She turned her head to throw him a look over her shoulder. He was all slouched, and it looked as if each step was too much for him right now, weird, as far as she was aware all he had was a headache and nausea.
Then his voice broke the silence.
-There's a herd of deer ahead.- Rosalie frowned. She couldn't smell a thing.
Still.
Not soon enough she was able to catch the scent.
Jasper's footspets disappeared once they got close which Rosalie appreciated. They both crouched down.
-You go first.- He said before Rosalie could even think about who would go first, his voice sounded tense and almost apprehensive. Rosalie didn't give it too much thought before she launched, snapping the neck of a deer before this one could even think about fighting.
The herd broke out into a frenetic run. The sound of bone snapping told her Jasper had successfully gotten one.
But when she had had her fill and buried the corpse of the deer at a slow pace to give him his sweet time she returned to find him standing infront of the dead deer.
Its neck still bleeding.
She tried to not let it bother her the fact that that was the most violent bite she had ever seen.
-You aren't going to finish that?- She questions, still staring at the deer.
-No.
He sounded faint as he answered to her, fingers curled into fists.
-'m sorry to ask this, but would you help me bury it?
There was something about his voice that held Rosalie back from lashing out and stalking off over the idea of having to do someone's else job. So, she helped him (more like she did all the job).
On their way back his pace seemed slower, and his footsteps impossibly heavier. So much she left him to walk at his own pace, it wasn't as if he couldn't get back home on his own. She did her part, making sure he had fed. Not that his eyes had lost much of their darkness. He probably didn't even drink that much from the deer.
When she heard his footsteps come to a halt she stopped, annoyed, she turned to look at him. He was standing there with his fingers clutching his stomach and an odd look on his face.
Then he turned around and disappeared into the bushes. The sound of him going sick soon reached her ears, she was tempted to leave him be miserable on his own, but her legs had other ideas and she found herself walking towards his direction.
She found him on all fours heaving out gasps, fingers digging onto the dirt and shoulders shaking.
And she was crudely reminded of what had been done to him, what he would have to go through for the next few months, or even years.
As Carlisle had said, this was unprecedented, there might even be permanent damage in his body none of them was yet aware of, things that might develop with time.
It was what kept Rosalie most of the time from being as sharp and indifferent to him as she would be with Edward, she didn't felt like messing with him when he's already had one hell of a life, in the South and then at Volterra.
Plus, Alice loved him, and he loved Alice, he wasn't a danger to their secret and she's watched him enough these past months to know that he does want to change.
So, technically, she has no reason to hate him.
And he isn't as arrogant and pretentious as Edward.
Sometimes, she almost thinks they could be friends.
Almost.
-Go away.- He rasped between gasps, his voice filled with nothing but pain, misery.
Rosalie ignored him as she brushed his hair out of the way, even as he gagged a warning growl reached her ears the second she touched him.
-Would you shut up? I'm just trying to help you.- She snapped, it disturbed her a bit how much he seemed to hold in his stomach to vomit for so long, it took several eternal minutes before he stopped puking.
And once she was sure he was done she stepped back, she was sure of one thing though.
A vampire's vomit was the most disgusting smell she had ever smelt in her entire life. It was revolting and acidic and it made her nose burn in the most nauseating way possible.
She felt a wave of frustration hit her, anger, it filled each atom in her being and made her chest constrict. It made venom fill her mouth and her fingers curl into fists. The need to tear a tree apart crossing her mind.
And it took her a moment to realize that this wasn't her.
She had no reason to feel neither anger nor frustration, but it still clung to her like a second skin. Her gaze fell on his back, he was still shaking, but she wasn't sure if it was for the sake of shaking or due these emotions that were strangling her. She heard him take a deep breath and felt the emotions fade into nothingness, lifting the invisible rope off her throat.
He then stood up and started walking towards the opposite direction.
-Where the hell are you going?
He didn't answer.
She wasn't sure what led her to do it. If it were the emotions that had bled over her or something else.
All Rosalie knew was that one moment she was watching him walk away and the next thing she knows, she had grabbed his wrist.
He spun around with a snarl, yanking his arm free from her grip and as he tried to step back he seemed to sway, he stumbled backwards. His eyes looking around almost disoriented.
-Hey, are you okay?
He didn't answer, in fact, his answer was to collapse on the ground.
-Shit.- Rosalie kneeled at his side.- Hey, hey, come on, don't make me carry you back to the house.- She warned, shaking his shoulder.
No answer.
She slapped him. Again, no answer.
-For fucks sake.- Rosalie cursed under her breath as she grabbed his arms, pulling him up and wincing as his head lolled back violently with the inertia.
She threw him over her shoulder, growling when the mud from his boots reached her pants and due the fact that the discomfort of being so close to another man that wasn't Emmett threatened to make her drop him back on the ground.
Still.
Rosalie's grip around his waist to keep him in place wasn't aggressive but firm, and regardless of it all there was a churning emotion in her gut that she refused to call concern.
Her pace towards the house was quick but careful. She could take his weight of course, but she wasn't built to carry someone so tall without some struggle. He was the second tallest vampire in the house after all.
When she got to the house she didn't bother to take her boots off, Esme would understand the mess, speaking of which.
-Esme!- She called as she threw Jasper on the couch.
The woman in question appeared in a blink before her expression grew horrified as she caught sight of Jasper's unconscious form.
-What happened?- Esme asked as she came to kneel beside the couch, her hand reaching out to touch his cheek, he was burning, that couldn't be good.
-I don't know, he just passed out.- Rosalie said, had it been the blood? Had there been something in the deer's blood? But he didn't even drink that much. Or had he been feeling worse than she had thought? Was it her fault for forcing him to go hunting with her?
But he hadn't looked that sick.
-I'm going to call Carlisle.- She said at last, grabbing her phone from the coffee table. She was sure Alice must have seen it, if not, well, that could wait. Carlisle was her main focus right now.
Because she could hear Jasper's rapidly increasing uneven breathing, hell, she could see he was starting to sweat too, and he looked way too pale, even for vampire standards.
And it felt like she was the one to blame for this even though she had no idea what was happening.
Because what if the deer blood he drank had had vervain in it? While rare to come across there was vervain in this forest, she made a point at tearing it off with Emmett sometimes, and Carlisle was teaching them how to detect if an animal has consumed it by scent alone.
And she was sure the deer he drank from hadn't had any vervain in it.
But what if she had missed something? Carlisle said so himself, judging by Jasper's ability to sleep, the amount of time he could sleep at all, if he ingested vervain again he might as well come undone with it.
The Volturi might have not realized it, but Jasper's body had been close to reaching its limit, as in another dose might have actually managed to kill him.
There was a reason he was taken to hunt after someone made sure the animals around the area he would be at hadn't come into contact with vervain, she should have double checked.
What if he died? What if he died because she didn't pay attention? How was she suppose to look at Alice again? At herself in the mirror at all?
Rosalie cursed internally as her hands shook, she forced herself to calm down, panicking right now would do nothing, she cursed again when Carlisle didn't pick up the phone, he had to be in surgery then.
She marked the other number.
-Could you please tell Dr. Cullen that his daughter would like to speak with him? It's an emergency.- Rosalie said the second the phone was picked up, not giving the person on the other line a chance to speak. She couldn't even recognize her own voice, and Christ, her hands wouldn't stop shaking.
"Of course. One moment."
It felt like centuries before Carlisle's voice was heard.
"Rosalie?"
-Carlisle, you have to come home. It's Jasper.
"What happened?"
-I don't know. He was throwing up earlier, he also threw up the blood he drank, and then he passed out and now he won't wake up. He's sweating, and his breathing sounds weird.
-He's burning.- Esme added. Rosalie made a face at that, he was burning? Shit, had she seriously missed something?
"I'm on my way."- Came Carlisle's voice.
And just like that the call ended. Rosalie threw Jasper another look. He was still out, and he had started shaking. Esme sat at the edge of the couch with him, looking like the picture of concern itself.
"I swear to God if you fucking die on me I'm killing you."
~
Carlisle cursed under his breath as he drove as fast as he was able to without drawing attention from the law.
He had known that Jasper wasn't feeling well, but Alice had assured him he always recovered, that it wasn't new, he would be fine.
Now he regretted ignoring that feeling in his gut that had been screaming at him to stay at home.
The moment he arrived he didn't bother to park the car as he killed the engine right on the driveway, he bolted out of the car. Rosalie was the one waiting for him at the door.
-Is he still unconscious?- He asked as he climbed up the stairs.
-Yes.- She seemed disinterested, but Carlisle could see how tense she was about the situation, he had heard her voice on the phone, it was clear this situation was bothering her more than she was showing.
He found Jasper on the couch, still out and looking way paler than it should be normal. Alice was sitting on the armrest, running her fingers through his hair, and Esme was standing close looking sick with worry.
Carlisle was quick to approach, checking him over and glancing at Alice.
-Alice, has this ever happened before?- She's been watching him for years, and she spent a lot of time with him before any of them even met him, if anyone might know if he's ever fainted…
-No.
Carlisle's hopes plummeted, he looked at Jasper, he looked like he was in a terrible amount of pain, his temperature was worrisome, vampires didn't run fevers.
-Would you wait upstairs for a moment?- He requested, looking at his wife and then at Rosalie. If this was anyone else he wouldn't ask, but this was Jasper, same boy who hid behind a mask because he was afraid people would reject him for his scars.
And while he knew Esme and Rosalie nor anyone in his family for that matter cared about his scars, Jasper did, Carlisle felt better by respecting his wishes.
Neither of them seemed willing to go, but both still left, and Carlisle took it to check Jasper's arms in search for injuries, infections weren't something vampires got, but considering how weak Jasper's body was it didn't hurt to make sure.
He also checked his back, his stomach and his chest, but there was nothing.
He pressed the back of his hand against his cheek once again.
-What's wrong with him?- Alice questioned, she shouldn't have left him this morning, she shouldn't have listened to him, should have listened to that feeling in her gut instead.
She shouldn't have left him when he was clearly not feeling well.
-I'm not sure, he isn't injured nor is he poisoned, if I had to guess… I think it's just his body reacting to the absence of vervain.- Carlisle said, he had known that this might happen, as he had told Alice, this was unprecedented, no one knew what to expect.
Humans went through withdrawal for over a week, but Jasper's symptoms seemed to come at random intervals and in a wide variety of ranges.
He touched his stomach, putting a bit of pressure, it didn't felt as hard as he had expected it to, and still, he wished he could just fix this with a surgery, but as he had told Alice, he couldn't.
Vampires might be stronger than humans, but ultimately, their organs were extremely frail, one wrong injury could destroy the organ completely, and while many of their organs were useless, while a human's heart was their most important organ.
For a vampire it was the stomach, he wouldn't risk causing him irreparable damage, he's suffered enough already.
So, all that could be done here was let his body heal naturally.
~
-You know you can sit with him if you want, right?- Alice said, a scowl was her answer, she had asked Carlisle to help her bring Jasper upstairs, had known he wouldn't like being unconscious in such open place.
She had let the bedroom's door open so Esme could check on him whenever she felt like it, and now Rosalie was the one standing by the door.
Scowling.
But even if she was scowling, Alice could tell she was worried, she couldn't understand what even went through Rosalie's head, she clearly liked Jasper, and she cared about him, probably more than she herself realized.
Point is, Alice can't understand what is stopping her from showing him some friendliness, she won't lose her dignity and pride for doing so, and Jasper wouldn't be an ass.
In fact, she had the feeling he would enjoy having a sister.
Meanwhile, Rosalie scowled, she hated this, she had heard Carlisle, this was nothing but a reaction from all the poisoning the Volturi did to him.
And still, somehow, it feels like she was at fault, had him hunting put too much strain on him? He had asked her to help him dig up the hole to throw the deer in, and he had been walking too slow before.
He hadn't been feeling well.
And she can still see him collapsing infront of her.
She hates it.
~
Jasper wakes up to a sore throat and a mild stomachache, his head feels like there's a cloud stuffed in it and he can't help but groan when he shifts and pain shoots up his head.
There's someone with him, it's not Alice, but it's familiar, he forces his eyes open, wincing as the light stabs the back of his eyes, he squeezes them shut for a moment before opening them again, blinking rapidly and hating how dry his mouth feels.
He stares at the ceiling for a moment, remembering what had happened last, that… didn't bode well for him.
How did he even got here?
Movement on his left caught his attention and he turned to look at it.
Rosalie.
That one was unexpected, she was holding a bottle with a much too familiar liquid in it.
Vervain antidote.
It would never help him, but it never failed to soothe his stomachaches.
Still.
Why was she the one holding it? Why was she even in the room?
-Where's Alice?- He finds himself asking, cursing how broken his voice comes out, pathetic.
-Hunting.- Rosalie told as a statement of fact, to be honest? She had no idea what was Alice playing at, Esme had brewed this for Jasper, she always did when he had stomachaches.
Alice was the one who usually gave it to him, and sometimes Esme herself.
So, why was Rosalie doing this again? Esme could have brought it to him, but Alice had dragged Esme with her, leaving Rosalie all alone, who even did that? Didn't she think Jasper would want to see her first thing first when he woke up?
Still.
There was no use crying over spilt milk.
-Esme made this for you, drink it.- Rosalie ordered, handing out the bottle for him to take. He made a face at it before grimacing as he brought himself up into a sitting position, grabbing the bottle.
His hands shook as he tried to open the bottle, Rosalie was tempted to ignore him and just leave him be, but she wasn't that heartless, thus, she snatched the bottle from him before twisting the cap open and handing it back to him. He gave her an odd look, but he still took the bottle.
-Thanks.
She didn't answer to him, instead choosing to sit at the end of the bed, she threw him a look as he drank the contents of the bottle, he looked less pale than earlier, and he didn't seem to be shaking as much either.
Seeing him awake made her chest feel a dozen times lighter, not that she would ever admit that out loud.
When he was done, he put the now empty bottle on the nightstand before suddenly squeezing his eyes shut and clutching his arm, hard, she was quite sure that were he human, his arms would be filled with dozens of bruises with how much he does that.
It's not a secret that he hurts himself, most of the time either clutching his arm or clutching his ribs, he used to bite himself a lot, but the smell of venom has decreased, means so had his habit to bite himself.
He would do it at the most random of intervals, there wasn't an specific trigger, sometimes, Alice's touch alone seemed to be enough to make him stop.
-Why do you do that?- She cursed her mouth the second the words were out, if he shut down Carlisle's attempts at talking to him about it who said he would be willing to give the answers to her of all people?
He didn't answer, no surprise there, he kept his head bowed, but he wasn't clutching his arm anymore.
-Alec.
Of all possible things, that was not what Rosalie was expecting. Alec? What did Alec had to do with anything?
-Jane's gift doesn't work on me, but Alec's does, Aro would make him use it on me when he wanted to make a point clear… a few hours, days, weeks, months…
Jasper wasn't sure why was he telling Rosalie this, he chose to blame it on how not quite right he felt, and the fact that he couldn't seem to shut up once he started.
-There was only darkness, silence, emptiness, I couldn't feel, hear, smell, see or even taste anythin', I… at times, it felt like I might not exist, like I wasn't real, and the feelin' wouldn't leave even after I was fred from Alec's gift, and sometimes, it still feels like it, like 'm still trapped in a bubble of emptiness, like none of this is real, not even me.
Or Alice. Or any of this for that matter.
-But if you can feel pain, you're alive, if you can break it, it's real.
Rosalie for her side stared at him.
And stared.
She wasn't quite sure what she had expected, but it hadn't certainly been this, what he was saying… Christ, she couldn't imagine being subjected to Alec's gifts for months, to the point where he would question his own existence, for what he said…
No wonder he spaced out at the most random of intervals and hurt himself, the Volturi hadn't just had to go and damage his body with vervain, no, they also had to go and fuck with his mind too, it was a wonder in itself he even made it out of that place sane.
Because this… she would need to speak with Carlisle, she knew it wasn't her business to divulge other people's matters, but this was serious, nothing good ever came from ignoring someone who had trouble grasping reality, and if his words were something to go by alongside by what she's seen, he might even have some kind of dissociative disorder.
Those two didn't miss well, even less for a vampire, what if he got himself killed or severely hurt because he was dissociating in the worst moment possible?
How could he even bear to look at Alec? To defend him when he was the cause of this?
-Why did you let Alec go with Peter and Charlotte?- Rosalie asked, because she couldn't see how did even think smart to send one of his torturers to live and be watched over by the same people he called friends.
-He deserves a life.- Jasper told as a statement of fact, Rosalie frowned.
-He tortured you, and your friends took him in per your request.
-He was just followin' orders, I told Peter the truth, and he understands.
-But he tortured you, don't they care?
-... I was tasked to kill Charlotte while in the South, she wasn't skilled enough to spare as Peter had been, so María wanted her gone. I tore her arm off, neither Peter nor her resent me for it, 'cause that's just how it is, you're lucky that you were turned by someone like Carlisle, he's… very human-like.
So immensely different from any other vampire Jasper's ever met.
-In a coven, what the coven leader says goes, if you don't… they might kill you same as they might punish you infront of the others, public humiliation works splendidly to keep a crowd in line.
María never did the public humiliation ones unless someone thought smart to attempt to assault someone else, she had a harsh punishment for those.
But Aro had done them, more than once Jasper had woken up from Alec's gift to a crowd surrounding him, staring, smirking, judging.
-If your mate is in the coven, or someone extremely dear to you… they might also punish you through 'em. In a coven, being obedient ensures your safety, but it also ensures the safety of those you care about. Peter knows this, it's just how it's.
Rosalie didn't answer, because what was she suppose to say to that? She knew Carlisle was… unconventional, but it never occurred to her that he might possibly be the best out there, would somewhat explain the weird looks nomads always gave them.
And still…
She couldn't imagine herself living in a place where she must show absolute submission and obedience if she doesn't want Emmett to be tortured, to think there were actual people who did that, who had to live through that… it was horrible.
Jasper isn't looking at her, he's now staring out of the window with a far away look, and she wonders what's going through his head.
And still, somehow, it feels like she can understand him a bit better now, why he is the way he is.