Episode 5
(Game wastes perfectly epic title and opening on…well, this case. Seriously. Watch the case opening and tell me you cannot taste the potential this episode had for itself at the beginning.)
"Yes, I agree. There have been times where the setting of a case was uninteresting and so, the case itself was too. But that's not so bad, since you already know to have your expectations lowered. But here…an epic blueprint to work on that is somehow messed up so much…that really takes talent. And I have to applaud you for going through this headache-inducing behemoth of an episode, so…" starts with minus one sin.
(Did Edgeworth sleep in his office after the events of the first case?)
"I don't think so. I mean, there is nothing suggesting he did. Sure, he is there pretty early on in the morning, but that doesn't means he slept there. He might have just gone back to his house for sleep for a couple of hours and then returned. Yes, that seems silly, but we know Edgeworth. He doesn't like being away from the office, even to relax." One sin added.
(Recapping an episode we literary just played.)
"Are you speaking for yourself right now? Because there are people who takes days between cases. Maybe someone had work to do and took weeks. And those people will need a refresher since the two cases are so closely linked. Some things are done for the benefit of the players." One sin added.
(Why would Yew invoke the Yatagarasu identity seven years after her confession. It's not like she's been using the name at all in the years since, and she would have found out about Kay's Robin Hood fetish yesterday, which is nowhere near enough time to set this complicated-ass plan into motion.)
"Okay…but why are you assuming the plan was formulated after Yew met Kay? Alba knew Coachen was going to betray him and planned this whole ass murder plot well in advance. The Yatgarasu taking the fall was planned well before, since she would make a perfect scapegoat for the crime. After Yew met Kay and saw her use little thief, she realized who she was and decided to fit her into the plan. But that's not to say it wasn't already in motion. This case is very heavily flawed, but it is still a finale case. It definitely delivers on a lot of levels." One sin added.
(It takes Edgeworth and Kay several hours to find and enter the correct embassy.)
"No…are you making shit up again, gal?! They leave for the embassy at 10:00 and we find them at again at 17:00…but at that time, they comment on seeing the Steel Samurai show in the theater. It stands to reason they have been there for a while…why are you making shit up in this case?! You think you need to pad the sin count any more than already is?!" one sin added.
(Aw, fuck it. They had to drag the steel samurai into this too, didn't they?)
"Sinning the steel samurai. That's worth…this many sins." twenty sins added.
(The steel samurai had a son? When did this happen? I need my steel samurai lore updated, goddammit it!)
"So you sinned the fact the steel samurai was even included in this case…and now you sin the fact there is not more info about him in this case. How many sins did I give you for that one? Yeah, double that." Forty sins added.
(Edgeworth can approach Lotta as many times as he wishes and she still won't recognize him. I guess two of her three stints as a witness-in finales, no less-weren't that memorable after all.)
"I can give you that, but…why two stints as a witness? She only takes the stand in turnabout Goodbyes. Edgeworth in not there in reunion and turnabout and she is never summoned to court in farewell my turnabout. So you meant "her one stint as a witness"." One sin added.
(How did Larry and Oldbag land this gig, anyway? For a performance with such sensitive diplomatic implications, I would almost be banking on one of them to fuck it up. Lucky for them, a double murder happens before either one gets a chance.)
"Pierce just described what happened in the game…and sinned it for no reason. Really, you are saying they could have screwed up the show, but didn't due to the murders. We know, we have played the game. So…why is that a sin? Is it the fact they even managed to get the job, Because in that case….singing something you don't know cliché. How can you know they did not both nail that audition?" one sin added.
(Is it just me or does the Jammin' ninja's mask look like a recolored Deadpool in this shot?)
"It's just you." One sin added.
[(Babahl embassy on fire.) Case waits until I'm over half a thousand words into its review to properly go ablaze.]
"Pierce acts like everything in the case so far has not been building up to the actual case. Pierce apparently thinks it is sinful for mystery stories to include parts that prepare the ground for what's to come and they should all begin with the murder. In other words…Pierce would suck at mystery writing." One sin added.
[(Shin-na attempts to arrest Kay.) I just noticed: this bitch got red eyes. Not only is this creepy as shit, but how did no one notice they were part of a disguise before it's revealed later?]
"Because this is a game. Not everything needs to be perfectly normal. And are you saying you would notice a person eyes while you were talking to them in real life? I can tell you you wouldn't. Not only do you fail to suspend your disbelief, you also ask for the game to be even more unrealistic by giving everyone an unnatural attention to menial details. Who looks at a person's eyes when talking to them about murders." One sin added.
(Coachen was murdered in an embassy.) Well, look on the bright side: at least The Saudis are innocent this time.]
"Ooofff! This is a dated fic! We encourage freedom of speech here, but even I wouldn't make that joke in 2020. Pierce does sin herself here…but this calls for a hefty penalty." thirty sins added.
(Colias Palaeno's hand motions. It looks like he is constantly applying lotion.)
"Sinning Colias Palaneno, one of the best characters in the game and a very effective red herring. That's worth…this many sins." Twenty-five sins added.
(Also, Colias Palaeno's smile.)
"Again sinning Colias Palaeno." Twenty-five sins added.
(Both Gumshoe and Edgeworth are awfully protective of a girl they met yesterday for the first time in seven years. Especially considering all they've seen of her modern self is wanting to become a vigilante thief.)
"All they've seen? How about her bringing desire for truth and justice? The fact she helped solve the case ta Gatewater Land? The fact she and Gumshoe had already bonded during the events seven years ago? The fact they can tell she would never hurt anyone? And yet, neither of them has any reason to help her, do they?" one sin added.
[(The export of Babahlese ink is heavily restricted for confidential reasons.) Is it related to the production of Labyrinthian ink, by any chance?]
"Pierce makes a reference to a different game…" one sin added.
(Hey, here's a question: of Yew ran far, far away with the Yatagarasu's key , how has Coachen been opening and using his safe all these years? Did she return the key to him shortly after the fourth case's conclusion?)
"Pierce answers her own question cliché. And since you then claim it could have been explained…this is explaining it. The fact they key opens this safe in this office shows the key has been in this office the past seven years." One sin added.
(Sure is convenient that both Allebahlst and Babahl felt the need to label all their shit with butterflies or flowers and that nothing, save the Yatagarasu's key, is left over from Codophia when the symbols were presented together.)
"Yes…and there would be no case if that hadn't happened. Again: some things happen because the plot needs to happen. They seem convenient, but when you think about it, everything in life in convenient. If you parents hadn't met at a specific place and time, you wouldn't be here writing this fic right now. And even if they met, it could have been a different child instead of you if a different sperm cell had outran yours. The chances of a person being born are…practically zero. Do you see my point: just 'cause something is improbable doesn't make it impossible." One sin added.
(Lang hates prosecutors, but refers to Franziska as his sister and is nothing but polite to her. What makes Franziska exempt from his prosecutor hatred? Is it because they're both Interpol agents now?)
"Pierce answers her own question cliché." One sin added.
(Alba takes forever to walk off screen.)
"Pierce exaggerating." One sin added.
(And since when is the smuggling ring in the counterfeit money business to begin with?)
"Since…right now. Seriously, this is the game establishing it." One sin added.
(How does Larry hear his own introduction?)
"Pierce failing at game logic n. 236640." One sin added.
[(Unfortunately, I don't have the time to search out a key to unlock your heart.) You also don't have a magatama.]
"Pierce yells at the screen cliché." One sin added.
(The recurrence of Wendy Oldbag. Twice in the same game, no less. What did I give this shit in the third episode, again?)
"You gave it thirty sins. And I gave you thirty one for sinning Oldbag's comedy gold-ness. So…" thirty-one sins added.
(H…how can this happen two days in a roooooooooooooow?!) Edgeworth is every player ever when it comes to the pink princess reveal.]
"Pierce sins something she agrees with cliché." One sin added.
"Also, sinning this line." Fifteen sins added.
(Missile in an ultimately useless cameo. I may love dogs, but…)
"I am actually more of a cat person. But I still love Missile." One sin added.
(If Missile was going to eat the hot dog all along, why did he bring it to Franziska? Why not just eat it where it was found? Does this game not know how dogs work?)
"Do you know how they work? Franziska asked him to bring her clues. He smelled the hotdog and brought it to her to prove he did what she wanted. And after that, he ate the hotdog as a reward for doing what he was asked. That's what always happens with dogs." One sin added.
[(I wonder if ambassador Alba might have an interest in cross-dressing.) Alba the drag queen…]
"Skip! Now this image will not get out of my head! Thanks a lot, gal!" ten sins added.
(The same conversation features Edgeworth referencing a bridge crumpling under his feet, but…that didn't happen to him. That happened to Phoenix.)
"Way to manipulate a scene again. Edgeworth does not mean a literal bridge. It is a metaphorical one. He says the bridge represents the path to the truth and he will prefer to cross it, even if it mean falling through it, rather than losing sight of what truly matters." One sin added.
( Larry swimming fully clothed in the steel samurai suit. I can't imagine global studios is happy.)
"Pierce points out things on the screen cliché." One sin added.
(Palaeno looks entirely too happy for his supposed shock animation/)
"Yes…and that was done on purpose. Remember earlier, what I said about him being a red herring? Yeah, I guess you don't get it." One sin added.
(Lang says he's staked his father on tracking down the fake money, but…hasn't the Lang family honor being in severe regression ever since a prosecutor screwed his father?)
"Yes…and he is banking whatever shreds of it is left on cracking this case and restoring honor to their name. That's what Franziska did in farewell, my turnabout. And you misunderstand it there, too." One sin added.
[(Gumshoe upstages Edgeworth's objection.) That's wrong no matter how you look at it.]
"Sinning Gumshoe for taking a level to badass." One sin added.
(Edgeworth, Gumshoe and Kay agree not to reveal the Babahl fire trick to Lang…right in front of agent Lang.)
"Ever heard of whispering? Lang even comments on how they are whispering and he can't hear them. I'm pretty sure you are manipulating another scene. And if not, then you have no idea what whispering is: Pierce would be terrible at keeping secrets." One sin added.
(Also, rivals who actually apologize when confronted with the weight of their own mistakes? Did…did I wander into a different game series now?)
"No, don't worry. You are just terrible at getting this has been going on since the first game. In other words, you are horrible at paying attention." One sin added.
[(Shin-na's second argument.) Behold: the only time "Confrontation: presto" is used in a case for a character who is not the culprit in said case in this game.]
"In the first case, you sinned the fact it is only used for the killers…taking that into consideration, you should have taken a sin off for its use here. But you are just doing you." One sin added.
[(Presenting the perfume bottle to prove Yew and Shin-na are truly are one.) Wait, hold on a minute. This works? Is this game really telling me that Kay was able to preserve evidence down to the fingerprints on the bottle without a mistake since she was ten?)
"Yes. Kay is a genius and a crime-cracking expert. Why is that so hard to swallow?" one sin added.
[(Yew-Na's breakdown.) First Engarde, now this lady. What is this series and their obsession with giving their villains vampire fangs?]
"it's called visual storytelling. You really are terrible at getting that. This is a game, every animation and design serves a purpose." One sin added.
(Game really tries to make us think it has the balls to kill an underage assistant character in this episode, making her the first victim to die under the age of ten. For all I like Kay, I would have removed all my sins thus far if that were the case.)
"So…if this case had ended on the worse possible way, killing one of our favorite characters before she has had time to shine…you would have taken off all the sins. You seriously think this would be a good ending? Because that is…fucking…stupid…bullshit!" thirty sin added.
"Also, wanting Kay to die." Sixty sins added.
"And…, once again, bluffing your ass off. You would never remove all the sins. You have never taken off more than ten sins, but you have added as many as fifty." Fifteen sins added.
[(The ending chapters begin.) Begone all hope for ye who enter here…beyond this gate lay a headache-inducing labyrinth of contrived difficultly and lack of personal investment in all that happens. But know that I have promised ye readers a full cinemansins-style review. And together, we may brave this darkness…one diplomatic-evidence presenting loop at a time.]
"I agree. This case completely crashes and burns and never recovers after this point. Alba was a cool villain at first, especially since he was based on a basic social problem-how entire systems in countries are based to keep the elites out of the law's touch and they can practically get away with everything-but they went way too freaking overboard on this guy. I am getting boss-level vibes from this guy. And that normally would be good, but it's not here since he just never gives up. This back-and-forth arguing gets old too quickly. Even characters I really love should not be given that much screen-time. And the fact it is done about a guy I don't particularly care about in a game whose storyline is one I'm not really feeling for…yeah, this is shit. I want to thank you for doing this for all of us. But you are not alone. We may be on the opposite sides of this…but we both want the same thing: our favorite game series to get the credit they deserve. So, I will be by your side throughout this mess. Let's do this as painlessly and calmly as possible."
[(And which path is a prosecutor supposed to follow.) That of a far superior sequel.]
"Pierce yells at the screen cliché." One sin added.
(And what even is the shadow over Coachen's face?)
"Probably an item we cannot see in the footage. Maybe the apartment building had a tend or a canopy over its entrance." One sin added.
(Everyone is pissed that Alba takes justified self-defense as an out in Ka-Shi-Nou's murder, but is that not still a crime in this universe? I mean, we may not know if it's a crime in Allebahst, but it definitely is in America and the victim was an American citizen as far as we know, so…at best, Alba is going to cause an international incident, irreparably damaging Allebahstian relation with one of the superpowers of the world. And that is supposed to be an out for him…how exactly?)
"How exactly would that trigger an international incident? Alba has evidence it was committed in self-defense and he is an ambassador. If he claims the victim attacked him, everyone will say he deserved to die for trying to attack an ambassador. They will think Ka-Shi-Nou almost caused an international incident and Alba stopped than from happening by killing him. So, Alba will be seen as a hero, his reputation will get even better than before and Alllebahstian courts will find him innocent on account of self-defense-which many well not be a crime in their country. So, he is getting out of all this mess unscathed." One sin added.
(Four pages of evidence.)
"Pierce points out things on the screen cliché." One sin added.
[(Alba goes back to his docile position for five seconds.) Where is he getting all these staffs?]
"Pierce failing at game logic n. 236641." One sin added.
(I love how, after all this discussion of Alba killing Coachen in a crowded theater during a stage show open to the general public, no one ever asks how he was able to kill a man without drawing attention to himself at the time. Even if he left the knife in to minimize blood splatter, Coachen still should have been able to scream, right?)
"No. I already explained this in the magical turnabout. If a person is stabbed in the chest or the back…they would not be able to scream, since the air would be driven out of their body. That is basic human anatomy. Read a fuckin' Wikipedia page!" one sin added.
(Larry thrusting his samurai spear. Because that's not pervertedly worded, coming from him.)
"No, it's not." One sin added.
(All this talk about how Alba moved the body got me thinking.) I don't dance now. I make bodies move, hey! See, I don't gotta dance…]
"This bullshit did not need to make it into this Inferno of a case. You just made it worse! I told you to make this painless!" fifty sins added.
(In the end the move that ensures Edgeworth's victory…in his copious knowledge of the steel samurai. Who would have thought?)
"This is actually pretty important, how this detail is build up properly throughout this case and pays off in the end. It qualifies as Chekov's gun." One sin added.
[(Lang states out loud he trusts Edgeworth after half a case of implying.) Couldn't this have waited until the epilogue?]
"Sinning this character development. That's worth…this many sins." Thirty sins added.
(Hey, I meant to ask this earlier, but how was Alba able to schedule a three am flight to Allebahst on such short notice?)
"Rich people be rich people'n." one sin added.
(At the end of the day, Alba and Yew's final arguments before being exposed for good are the exact same thing: that there's no way somebody could have snuck a knife into a supposedly secure location.)
"And that's also done on purpose, to show how the two of them are really similar after so long of working together. It is subtle, yet effective." One sin added.
[(And I would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids.) Scooby Doo references. Normally not a sin, but in this case? Everything is a sin. Or haven't you noticed?]
"You could have just neither added nor removed any sins for this and been a fair reviewer…but fine, sin this pop culture reference, girl that makes ten of them every chapter." One sin added.
[(Alba's breakdown.) Dd he lose his eyes?]
"Yes. Next question." One sin added.
(Edgeworth say it's been a while since he stood in a courtroom right before Alba's trial, so…who prosecuted the other three cases then? Klavier hasn't started yet and Franziska is getting ready for a trial in Allebahst, so…Blackquill if he's active yet? Payne, maybe? How many prosecutors work at that office anyway?)
"More than we have encountered." One sin added.
(Ending narration.)
"You had to add this nothing sin into this already bloated chapter, didn't you? Anything to pad the sin count I guess. But since this is the end, just one more sin and then we can go home." One sin added.
Total sin tally: 395
Sentence: Alba's arguments. (All of them.)