Hey everyone? Still there? continue or nah? Is it boring or...?

"You go home," Olivia told Carisi with a yawn, "Amanda will probably appreciate the help with the little one, I'll go question the bartender and then I'll go home to bed and pick up Noah in the morning."

"You sure?" Sonny confirmed, "I don't mind…"

"If you can give me a ride to the bar, I'll get a cab back home afterwards," she told him, grabbing her handbag.

"Okay, I'm ready when you are…"

/

Olivia walked in to the bar that was only around 6 blocks from her own apartment. It was a little, quiet, high-end bar where things had clearly slowed down for the night. It was the last place the victim had been seen alive. "Hi," she smiled at the woman behind the bar. She took her pocket book from her blazer pocket and flashed it, "I'm Captain Olivia Benson, I'm just wondering if you could tell me who worked on shift three nights ago?"

The girl looked a little spooked, "Uhmmm… I'd have to check, is everything okay?"

"Yeah," Olivia smiled reassuringly, "no one is in any trouble, I just want to speak with someone in relation to a patron here on thursday night."

"Okay," she tossed her hair over her shoulder, "I think Paulette was here, but I can't be sure. My manager will be back in in the morning, maybe you could come back and ask him? He might have been here too."

"Perfect," Liv smiled, "do you have his details? I could just give him a call."

The girl asked Olivia to hold a second and came back with her cell phone. Olivia pulled out her notepad and pen and began to write down the details. "What was your name?"

"Uh… I'm Nikki."

"Thanks Nikki, you've been a huge help," she turned her heel to leave when she saw a familiar face looking over at her. He was sitting on a couch drinking out of a half-full glass, with an empty one next to it.

"Hi Olivia," he greeted her.

"Hi yourself," she saw his eyes were a little glassy from the alcohol. "You good?"

He laughed, "I'm fine, Olivia, This is just my second drink," he held up his glass. "I'm not a big drinker," he admitted. "Are you busting perps and getting somewhere?," he wondered.

"Unfortunately not yet," she replied. "I just came to question someone… do you come here frequently? Wouldn't happen to have been here three nights ago?"

Trevor laughed, "No, sorry, this is the first time I've ever been here."

"There goes my excitement," she replied with a half-laugh. "So Mr. Langan, why are you at a bar at almost 11pm on drinking alone?," she wondered.

Trevor took a sip of the bourbon and let it settle. He glanced at the detective and smiled wryly, "Is this part of your investigation… or are you nosey?"

"Touché," she replied. "Sorry for prying," she held up her hands, feeling just a little dejected.

"I'm only kidding. Trying to be funny," he shrugged. "It's an anniversary of sorts," he replied honestly. "I didn't feel like being at home for it."

"I didn't mean to intrude," Olivia replied, noticing how his eyes shifted uncomfortably. "I'm off the clock now anyway, I should get going. No luck with my lead here," she suddenly felt very self-conscious.

"Would you like to sit and have a depressing drink?," he asked her, "I mean, I won't depress you with my bullshit, but in the spirit of looking out for Noah and more positive things in life-"

She sensed he wanted company; needed company.

"Are you sure? Do you not want to be left alone?"

He smiled but it looked more like a grimace. He stared in to his brown liquor like it held all the answers. He finally shrugged, lost in thoughts of whether or not Lana would approve of him sitting with another woman and drinking with her on the anniversary of her accident.

"I think…" he began slowly, "I think that you should take a seat and I should buy you a drink. I think that's what the universe would want for the both of us right now…" he then laughed at his stupid cryptic statement, "sorry, that sounded so stupid, yes. Sit. Ill get you a drink, to say thank you for letting me hang out with your amazing kid on a day that's been less than wonderful for me."

Olivia blinked at him; something was going on and now she was curious and more than a little bit concerned. If anything, he seemed a little emotional and that was a concern to her, she couldn't help it, her heart always turned to compassion when she knew someone was hurting and it was clear Trevor was hurting.

She took a seat in the spot across from him, "okay, sure? Beats going home to an empty apartment." She set her bag down beside the table.

Trevor got up, "what would you like?"

"Whatever you're having, I guess…" she replied, looking up at the incredibly tall man, made even taller when she was sitting and he was towering over her. He should have seemed foreboding or even intimidating, but there was absolutely nothing intimidating about him.

"Got it," he replied as he made his way over to the bar.

Olivia texted Carisi to let him know her questioning was fruitless and told him she'd see him in the morning.

A few minutes later, Trevor returned holding two drinks despite not entirely finishing his second. He sat down and slid hers over to her. "Thank you," she replied.

"You're welcome," he picked up his half-finished drink and downed it, setting it aside.

"So, what's the anniversary? Do you mind me asking?"

There was tension all over his face, holding everything back. She could tell beneath it all was a bundle of emotions. "You don't want to hear about it, trust me, that's the last thing anyone wants."

"Try me," Olivia smiled softly, "I'm a good listener and as far as I'm concerned, you've turned my son back in to a saint, so I have all the time in the world for you," she meant it to sound like a compliment, but wasn't sure how he'd take the remark.

"It's my wife's anniversary."

Immediately, Liv felt shocked and also inappropriate to be drinking socially with someone else's husband even though there was nothing to it….

She didn't think so, at least.

"Its okay, don't panic," he waved his hand, picking up on her expression - the one that questioned whether or not he should have been at a bar drowning his sorrows, "its the anniversary of her death."

"I'm really so sorry to hear that, Trevor."

"Its okay, I just don't feel like being alone at home and my family just… have that look of absolute pity on their faces if I go there. So here I am."

Olivia nodded, "I get it. Is it a fresh anniversary?"

"Its been awhile, three years today — it feels so fresh but yet a world away, does that make sense?," he asked looking Olivia in the eye.

"Absolutely."

"Don't worry, I don't need to talk about it, I won't bring your night down," he gave her a little smile.

She sipped her alcohol. "Its okay, Trevor, you can talk about it if you need to."

He sighed, "the ironic thing is that I told your son that having feelings, being emotional— even crying, that none of that means he's weak, that there's nothing about any of that that should make him feel emasculated."

"Oh, Trevor that was so kind of you, I've told him that, but I'm sure it holds more weight coming from a man," she murmured. "You've really done wonders for Noah, he looks up to you and I really appreciate that."

"I just see this little burst of anger in Noah, just…" he thought hard to verbalise it, "sometimes the light goes out of him, you know?"

"That's hard to hear," Olivia responded, feeling her own body go rigid, "but… I think I know what you mean. I just wish I knew what it was about."

"Olivia, can I be frank with you?," Trevor asked, wondering if he was about to hurt the gorgeous woman who looked a little weary across from him.

"Yeah, am I gonna need a drink?," she asked sardonically, holding up her glass.

Trevor shrugged and managed to laugh, "maybe…"

She took a mouthful and made a face as it hit the back of her throat. "Okay go…"

"I think Noah is still torn up about your ex but not for the reasons you think."

"Elliot? Why? What did he say?," she asked.

"I think he's torn because he knew that man made his Mom happy, but he feels like he was never good enough, that Elliot disliked him and that he's the reason he left without much notice."

Olivia closed her mouth, pursing her lips and took another mouthful of her drink. She took a deep breath before blowing out air slowly. She just laughed and shook her head.

"I'm sorry," he said quickly, "I didn't mean to upset you."

"I'm not upset," she replied, almost snapping at him.

"You seem upset," he retorted.

She said nothing and downed her drink in two mouthfuls. She let it go down smoothly before finding his eyes. "I couldn't let anyone treat my son the way he treated him, it wouldn't have mattered how much I loved that man. I told him we were over and he had a sudden turn around, he realised what he was about to lose and for almost a month he became almost another person, or at least the person he had been when we got together — and then I got caught up on a case, he told me he was caught up on one too… and then when I got home there was a note saying he was leaving and he was sorry."

Her eyes burned and her face was hot with embarrassment, "I'm sorry…" Trevor's voice trailed off.

Olivia shrugged. "Fool me once shame on him, fool me twice… I'm a moron," she replied. "Its not even what he did, just the feeling of," she paused, "maybe you'll understand, 'ah well, another person leaving me alone…'"

"I have to admit, my wife's death feels a little like that, even though it wasn't her fault and even though I can find blame in it, I still feel abandoned."

"Can I ask what happened? You don't have to tell me…" Olivia added gently.

"Car accident," he replied without flinching. "On her way to work, she was a nurse, just out trying to make the world better one patient at a time and some piece of shit coming down off a high t-boned the car."

She took the tumbler that she had just emptied in her hands, about to take another sip upon the realisation again that it was empty. "That's awful, I'm sorry."

He shrugged. "Its just this limbo that I feel like I'm in, all these years on…like, when I start thinking that I am healing, I get engulfed in guilt and grief like it happened yesterday."

"Why guilt?" Olivia pressed.

"Because— if I had of taken a little more time that morning and not shoved her coffee and lunch at her and kept reminding her that she'd be late, if I had of let her just be late, she might still be with me. We had plans, you know? She desperately wanted a baby and I so badly wanted to be a father. We were actively trying to get pregnant."

"So was I with my ex… but at least your wife wasn't a jack ass."

"No," he gave an empty smile, "she wasn't. She was a very, very good person."

"Another drink?," he asked, trying to take away the discomfort of her having to say something, a meaningful platitude or a word comfort. Either way, nothing was going to change how he felt but having some company did take the sting out of it.

"Uh, sure… maybe I should pay this time. I think that brown liquor is a bit much for me."

He smiled. "I've got you. What would you like?"

"Vodka and soda, thank you," she smiled.

/

Trevor returned a few moments later with two vodkas. He handed one over. It had a wedge of lime and a few cubes of ice. It looked good, she thought as she took a sip immediately.

"Anyway," he smiled and cleared his throat, "enough sad talk, Lana, my wife, she'd kick my ass if she knew I was being such a misery guts."

Olivia chuckled. "Well, Trevor… I just want to say to you that losing someone is tough, it's probably the hardest thing you'll ever go through and even worse when you know its so final and there's no way of getting closure. I understand and I know we're strangers but— if you need to talk, I'm genuinely okay to sit and listen. I might not know what to say, but I know you don't need someone to fix everything." She stared in to his eyes meaningfully before reaching over and touching his arm. "I mean it," she added.

Trevor glanced down at his arm where her hand lay. He felt goosebumps cover his skin. It was the first time in a long time that someone had shown him physical affection and as small as it was, it felt nice. It came coupled with guilt, but he pushed the feeling away and took it for what it was. This was a grateful mother of a kid in his charge, she wasn't trying to be his next wife.

"Thanks…" he murmured, blinking slowly, swallowing the lump in his throat. He flicked his eyes up to meet hers. Why did such a small gesture of humanity warm him right through? Her hand was soft and her nails were frosted ice-pink with a few tiny chips that were only noticeable up close.

She had nice hands, he appraised.

He reached over and covered her hand with his, "thank you," he replied, matching the meaning in her tone. "Same for you, with Noah… or with that other doofus who decided to leave a great kid and a great woman."

They shared a smile and Olivia couldn't help but wonder what the feeling was that passed between them. Understanding? Affection? She wasn't sure.

Slowly she withdrew her hand and he let go. It felt nice, his fingers wrapped around herself however brief it may have been. His hands were huge compared to her own. There was only gentleness in his touch, something she found herself comparing against Elliot's touch.

"And I don't think you're a misery guts," she added with a little laugh.

He laughed too. "So Olivia Benson," he shifted, changing the subject, "what do you do outside of work?"

She felt her lips tugging upward, "drink good wine and work more, spend time with my kid and do endless laundry, have the best intentions to read but fall asleep the second my eyes cross the words on the page, what about you?"

Trevor couldn't help but to laugh, "Aww, when do you get time to see friends?"

She shrugged, "when you've been in this shitty, depraved job as long as I have been, Trevor, you don't tend to make many friends. The conversations don't come as easy, they want to hear about my cases… it's hard."

"Our conversation doesn't feel forced?," he offered, "I don't want to hear about your cases, I don't think I'd be able to sleep. I don't know how you sleep."

"I don't, not very often…"

He could have gotten lost in her smile, he thought and instantly checked himself for thinking it. There was a part of him that tried to justify feeling some semblance of affection for the woman in front of him. He wondered if somehow Lana had something to do with sending him someone, someone who was of substance and a friendly face who already had a few things in common with him.

It was a nice thought even if he wasn't one to really read too much in to signs from the universe.

"What about your friend that you introduced me to today?"

"Oh, Amanda," Liv smiled, "yeah, she's close to me, but we've only just kind of resumed a relationship after a few years of being a little estranged outside of work… my doing," she told him uncomfortably. "Sometimes friends get tired of supporting the same mistakes you make over and over."

"Elliot?," he guessed, looking her into her eyes, seeing the self-deprecating sincerity within them.

"Yeah… Elliot fucking Stabler," she laughed sardonically.

"Don't beat yourself up, Olivia, we all have someone that we love so much who leaves us either by chance or on purpose and leaves us hanging out to dry, love is torture. But, don't be so hard on yourself."

"I'm trying… like you, I'm still trying to heal."

"At least you have Noah, he's such a joy, Olivia, he is truly wonderful."

"I just wish he was … himself with me again…. He feels distant and its not a new feeling, its just gotten worse this past year… and when I think about it, its probably a feeling of betrayal toward me because of Elliot."

"I think a few things will heal that," Trevor told him softly. "Talking about it more, maybe?"

"And I hear dogs are a hit…"

Trevor laughed, "not just any dog, my dog Ruby is kind of a therapy dog… Noah and I kid about and say that she should dress in a white coat and charge us money for all the secrets and the boohoos she's gonna hear."

Olivia laughed, imagining her son so freely talking about his feelings with such a gentle giant. "He really trusts you, to even kid about like that."

"I'm glad he trusts me, but I don't want to overstep, Olivia, I'm just a guy who takes his job seriously because he doesnt want anyone to feel like he did when he went through some hard times."

"I am beginning to understand that, it makes better sense to me now…"

He smiled. "Did you really think that I was a creep?, that's kind of… insulting."

"No, I didn't think you were a creep, but I was also confused by what was going on," she answered him slowly and carefully, "I need to know when anyone takes a special interest in my son, I hope you can understand that."

When he stared at her quizzically with his beautiful eyes burning in to hers, she continued, "Noah was taken from me when he was 7 by his biological grandmother who had fooled us in to thinking she just wanted to be a part of Noah's life. I didn't want to rob him of a family member but she took him and he was gone for two days, Trevor, and my world crumbled…"

"I'm so sorry. You must have thought the worst."

"Yeah, it was… horrible," she realised as she was speaking that what he went through with losing his wife was the same amount of pain that would never been allayed with her walking through the door. "I guess you'd know about what it does to your insides when you know the person you love the most is never coming home."

He went quiet and stared in to his drink. He concentrated on not letting any tears slip, swallowing the lump that had formed in his throat. He cleared it and nodded. "I know how helpless that feels…" he agreed.

"I'm sorry," she murmured.

"No," he shook his head, "I get it, you want to know where Noah is and to make sure he's always safe."

Olivia nodded. "Ive also had investigations within our own turn so sour that I've been threatened by higher-ups who have taken Noah from school and delivered him to the precinct just to show me that they had easy access to him and to make sure I knew they meant business…. I always just want to be sure he's okay, that no one is setting anything up."

"I'm sorry that that's happened."

"Its okay, I think the older he gets the more awareness he has and goodness knows the amount of stranger danger talks he's been given," she replied. "I'm actually surprised he got in the car with you. A little disappointed if I'm honest."

"I've been teaching here a very long time, he probably felt safe. But I probably should have told him that he needed to let you know."

"No, its okay, its fine. I know I'm being a paranoid Mom, I just — I guess I have my reasons, but it was rude of me to come at you the way I did."

Trevor finally cracked a smile, "you were so …" he chuckled, "your face was so sour, you were laying in to verbally so hard and I had zero idea what was going on. I didn't know that Noah was keeping anything from you, I was so offended."

She laughed too, "Sorry," she felt her cheeks heating up.

"He shook his head, "I think I've put it behind me," he winked. She couldn't help but to smile back at him, tossing her hair over her shoulder.

"I trust that you know what Noah needs school-wise and maybe even a little lifewise, after all, he seems to have already told you more than what he's told me…"

"Yeah but that's kids for you, they tell someone impartial because, especially in Noah's case, there's things that will make you worry."

"True but it doesn't stop it from hurting sometimes."

Trevor agreed.

"He only just told me about the football team today… he is more excited than he's letting on."

Finally the man before her smiled, "I want to play him as my quarterback. It was the position I played when I was in high school and college and Noah is tall and lean and I think he's going to be great at it."

"I hope it gives him a little self-confidence."

"It will," Trevor promised.

Olivia got comfortable and finally a cocktail waitress came over to them where Olivia ordered another drink, Trevor ordered another too. "So, she began, if you feel like it… tell me about your wife? Lana? Was that her name?"

He nodded. "I don't know how much I can say without getting emotional."

"Say as much or as little as you want, I don't mind — I don't mind emotion either," she added.

He thought about what he wanted to say before he let the words out. "Her name was Lana and we met through my sister. As it turned out we both were at the same college and both wanted to work in the medical field but were two years apart in where we were at. For me, a year in and I realised it wasn't what I thought and it required too many things that I couldn't handle but Lana ran rings around me in terms of intelligence… I switched my major. She went off to Boston to do an internship and ended up working at the same hospital as my sister and once we got together," he told Liv, "we decided New York would be a great place for her to stay and I looked had just got my job at the school. I'm part of the building now," he smiled. "And Lana got a permanent role at St Catherines and worked her way up to being a Senior Trauma nurse in the Emergency Department…. Which is coincidentally where she passed."

He cleared his throat again.

"I'm sorry Trevor…"

"Thanks," he replied, his voice wavering. It was only slight, but she picked up on it. "She was a good person, she was always wanting to make sure everyone was okay before herself. Apparently on the scene she advised the paramedics to help the junkie before her… maybe if that hadn't been the case maybe she'd still be with me."

"She just wanted everyone else to be okay, she knew how to deal with her own pain…" Olivia murmured slowly, often feeling the same way.

Trevor nodded, "she said something similar to that once. She supported my sister through her fertility journey despite the fact that we were having some trouble conceiving ourselves…"

Olivia almost laughed at just how much like her that sounded like. "I'm sorry you lost her," she told him. "Losing someone is the worst, unresolved feeling in the world. I know…"

"Thanks Olivia."

They had a few more drinks, Trevor still managing to not be too affected. Olivia, on the other hand… When the cold air hit them as they left the bar to go their separate ways, she almost stumbled. Trevor quickly grabbed her to steady her. "Oh, yeah okay…we're not too far from your apartment, I'll walk you…" he told her as if there was zero room for negotiation.

She liked the firmness in his tone - it was decisive but not demanding.

She didn't dare protest. Perhaps it was the alcohol and the way his green eyes surveyed her, but she wasn't upset about spending more time with him. They walked slow and she could tell it was because he was dragging his heels about having to go home.

Lost in their own thoughts, Olivia felt herself stumble. Trevor quickly grabbed her arm, breaking her fall. "Easy, easy…" he told her. He took her hand and wrapped it around his arm. "I think you better hold on," he chuckled. Olivia felt the hardness of his flexed bicep before it relaxed. It was everything she could do not to lift her eyebrow at the muscles he must have had safely covered up beneath his casual black hoodie.

"Sorry, I think I hit my limit," she murmured, "how embarrassing. Don't you tell Noah, okay?"

Trevor laughed, "Hey Noah, I met your Mom in a bar last night by chance and we got a little drunk and I had to walk her home so she didn't end up face down in someone's trash bin."

They both laughed.

"Yeah, I don't think I'll be telling him that."

"Trevor, have you dated since your wife passed?," Liv wondered.

She felt him tense for a moment as he thought about it. "Yeah, I tried… I was with a woman for maybe … I don't know, 2 months. She was sweet and kind but every time we got together I just felt empty and guilty. I wasn't looking to replace Lana, but there were qualities within her that I obviously fell for and I got caught up in making sure who I dated was nothing like her…"

"Setting it up to fail…" Olivia offered.

"Yeah, I guess so."

"You know, Trevor, it's possible to fall in love again while simultaneously still being in love with your wife. The love you have for Lana won't ever go away — but you just need to find someone who won't feel like they're competing with her, you need to find someone that allows you the space to still grieve when you need who is able to support you rather than make you feel like you have to do that in secret. You can't erase her, so don't try, but it would be okay to move on. You said she had a wonderful heart and a kind soul, do you think she'd want you to be alone forever?"

"No… I know she wouldn't. Sometimes she would come home from work and tell me about her patients and at times she would tell me with seriousness that if anything happened to her and she was in a vegetative state, I should turn the lights out and move on…" he sighed, "ironic, huh? That I had to turn the lights out and walk out on her."

Olivia bit the inside of her lip to keep herself from getting emotional but it was too much. She could hear the pain in his voice. She sniffed and wiped her eye discreetly.

"Oh shit, Liv are you crying?"

"No," she said quickly, "I have something in my eye."

"I'm sorry," he said quickly, "I didn't want to upset you or bum you out."

She managed a laugh, "Trevor, don't worry about me, I'm a sympathy crier… I just—" she sighed as they neared her apartment, "death is a funny thing, it always gets to me regardless of how many times I see it." She stopped out on the stoop, Trevor realised they had arrived, "its just unfair, I guess, that it happened to you and her, you both seem like you would have been a great team…"

"We were," he agreed quietly.

She let go of his arm. She took a step up and turned back to him, finally they were a similar height. "What are you doing now? Back home?"

He shrugged, "I might walk for awhile…"

"I know how this is going to sound, but this is purely friendly, would you like to come up for tea or a coffee to sober up a little?"

He considered it, he would have done anything to avoid being at home with his own thoughts. He knew at home he would end up cuddled in bed with Ruby and his wedding photo, silently crying himself to sleep. Pathetic, he thought. "Uh… yeah, that actually sounds nice."

She smiled, "I even have some left over cake from my colleague's birthday a couple of days ago."

"Oh, isn't it the right thing to do, to let the birthday girl or guy take the cake home?"

Olivia laughed, "She ended up with four cakes and her mother-in-law made this giant one that put all of our store-ordered cakes to shame, so we took our shameful cakes home…"

Trevor laughed and followed her in to her apartment, making sure to take his shoes off at the door. He followed her down the hall to an open area that was part dining room, part family room and open planned kitchen. It was a bigger space than he had expected.

"Take a seat," she motioned at the dining table as she put her handbag up. "If you need, the bathroom is down the hall to your left…"

"Thanks," he replied with a smile. "Nice apartment, it's nice and big."

"We can thank the department's trauma money," she told him with a little laugh but then realised she had said too much.

"What does that mean?," he wondered, "the police paid for your apartment?"

"Mmmm," she replied with a wry smile, "yeah, payout from a traumatic event based that happened a year or so before Noah was born. I was forced to move out of my old apartment and yeah, this is it. I feel a lot safer here."

He could tell she had grown uncomfortable and didn't want to press the issue any further. "So, would you like tea or coffee or a cold drink?"

Trevor thought for a moment, "Do you have any tea? Maybe like some green tea or camomile?"

She smiled at him, he was so polite as he looked around surveying her things. "May I look at your book case? Is that being too snoopy?," he asked, as if he had suddenly thought about it.

"Of course, go for it… I have camomile, is that okay?"

"Yeah, thanks…" he was already up, making a beeline for the shelves that held all of her favourite books and a few bits and pieces like ornaments and photos. He smiled seeing a photo of Noah who looked to be five and Olivia, still looking much the same, every bit as beautiful as the woman before him who was in the kitchen.

"Wow, Gloria Steinem, Simone de Beauvoir… Impressive, Olivia."

"Really? That impresses you? Why?," she asked as she filled their cups with hot water and let the tea bags steep on the dining table. She took her boots off and put them in the shoe holder just inside the foyer. She took a seat and watched him pour over her collection.

He lifted one of the Gloria Steinem books from the shelf and leafed through it, turning back to her and smiling, "my wife took me to Gloria Steinem school when we first met," he said with a little, fond smile. "She challenged me on what I knew feminism to be, it stuck in my head," he turned to Olivia and smiled a little wider, "she was only short, Lana," he added if by way of explanation, "and she was angry with me because I made some glib comment about feminists being akin with extremists, and she glared at me," he chuckled, "and she was like, 'Listen, I don't know if I can deal with a guy who has zero idea about feminism, Gloria Steinem says that 'a feminist is anyone who recognises the equality and full humanity of women and men.'," he relayed the story to Olivia who couldn't help but to grin back at him.

"Wow, you got told…" Olivia chuckled, enjoying watching him smile over an old memory.

"I did, and I wasn't too proud to get the message. So, I figured I should really do some research. I think I've read every Steinem book there is," he smiled at her, "and then I read about Susanne B Anthony — so many wonderful women who really pushed for wonderful things like anti-slavery, the women's suffrage movement the International Women's Council…" he paused and then put the book back, "there are so many remarkable women that we don't hear about, right? That we should be lobbying for these schools to teach our children about. We don't hear enough about it unless we are probed to do our own research."

Olivia couldn't stop grinning at him, so much so that she had to look away. She was charmed by just how much he knew, by how smart he was and how passionate he seemed to be.

He glanced at her other books. "Sorry, I'm just ranting," he laughed in spite of himself.

"Go ahead…" Olivia replied, "I don't disagree with anything you've said and I'm still impressed. Feel free to share your knowledge with my boy. Maybe he'll pick up one of those books rather than rolling his eyes when I try to tell him something about any of them."

Trevor laughed again. "Good reading taste, Olivia Benson," he told her with approval, "you have a lot of great books." He came and sat down across from her at the table, "and that's an adorable photo of you and Noah."

"Oh yeah, when we were both younger and cuter," she laughed, sipping her camomile.

"You're both still young and cute," he complimented her without flinching. She knew he wasn't trying to feed her a line, he meant his words, he didn't hold back she was coming to find, he was forward but not in a way that made her question things — in a way that made her not have to even consider meaning behind his words. He pulled no punches and there was nothing that seemed too good to be true about him.

It was refreshing and nice to speak to a man who didn't make her feel like she was constantly self-conscious or trying to decode everything.

"Thank you for inviting me up, for the tea…" he added as he lifted his mug.

"You're welcome."

"I am avoiding going home… I know its stupid, there's just a lot of sentimental things at home that really make me feel— awful."

"I understand," she replied. "Are you still in the apartment you were in when she passed?"

"No, my parents and sister… they thought it would be a good idea if I moved, I went through a really hard time after I lost her… which…" he glanced at Olivia, swallowing the warm liquid, "I might save that story for another time, but yeah, I moved. It's still hard though."

"At least you have family looking out for you, Trevor, that's nice."

"Yeah…" he sipped his tea. "So… what about you? What made you want to be a cop?"

Olivia started to laugh, "that's a very, very loaded question, Trevor Langan," she told him, letting go of her mug and leaned back in to her chair. "But I guess if we want to narrow it down, I just wanted to help people… I have this constant maternal feeling that I've had for as far back as I can remember so I thought I'd be helping child and family crime and then … SVU opened up and I'm the person that sits with someone when they've just been through the most horrific thing they can ever go through. It's a double edged sword, these are hard crimes to try but the fact that people open up to me, form a trust bond with me…" she shrugged, "I don't know… there's nothing like it."

"I like talking to people who are passionate about their jobs, it's refreshing. You would not believe how many teachers I get in to it with who are just … over it. They don't like the kids, they do the bare minimum, they're just burned out… so this? This is nice," he replied. "And you're like Lana, I think, she genuinely wanted to help, she would excitedly tell me about how she was able to support or advocate for a patient. I always tried to suggest that she might want to become a doctor, but she was adamant that she felt more comfortable as a nurse — more of an ally for the patient."

"I understand that, I'm not a nurse but— being that first person on the scene. There's a lot of emotion involved and my team is so, so highly skilled and all of them are amazing at their jobs, but incidentally, this happens more to children and women and ideally, women feel more comfortable speaking to other women."

"I don't blame them. Do you have like a protocol? You're not allowed to touch a victim or hug them or…?"

She shook her head. "I mean, if someone is full of evidence then no, I'd never touch them until they've been to the hospital and evidence has been gathered, but a lot of the time they don't report til a day or two later or they've gone to a friend who has hugged them, it really depends on how brutal the attack, but I am always happy to hug someone or hold their hand or stay with them until someone familiar or supportive arrives."

"I suspect that you would never be so burned out that you would do a poor job," Trevor offered.

"The day I feel burned out is the day that I sit at my desk and start delegating and thinking about handing the role over to someone else and calling it a day. There is zero room in this field for not giving someone your all."

"That's why you're the captain," he agreed with a smile.

It was well after midnight and Olivia didn't feel even a little bit tired. As if they had the same thought, "I know it's really late Olivia, I should let you get some sleep, you have a son who needs your attention in the morning."

"Thats okay, I still have time. I'm a night owl and an early riser," she informed him.

"So, tell me…" he began, "can I ask about Elliot? Is that too personal?"

She smiled ruefully before shrugging. "Its a bit personal, but what the hell, what do you want to know?," she wondered.

"How long ago?"

"Hmmm, Noah was almost 12 when he left for good, I remember that because Noah was scared I wouldn't want to celebrate his birthday. Poor sweetheart," she added. "There's a lot of history between Elliot, more than Noah knows or would ever understand. We were partners on the job for 12 years and shit got hard," she looked at Trevor, "I was young and mooning over the idea of what it would be like to be with him. He was married and had five kids and there was always this unspoken thing between us, that if he wasn't married…" she stopped and cleared her throat, "well, this doesn't actually make me sound like a very good person."

"We can't help who we fall in love with. Did you ever act on it?"

She shook her head, "No, I never said a word, I didn't even know if he knew how I felt. I loved his wife, I still do, she's a very good woman, long-suffering too," she replied. "But things got a little confusing maybe for both of us after about 12 years being partners, we had a shooting go bad — a couple of officers got shot, a criminal got shot all by a 16 year old girl and Elliot shot her and killed her. He didn't do anything wrong, but there'd been a few shootings — all good— so he went on suspension. He avoided all of my calls, he ignored me for weeks, he knew that he and his wife were the only family I had and …. I found out he wasn't coming back. He moved to Italy without a word, no text, no email, no phone call no apology…"

"Fuck…" Trevor cursed and quickly apologised. "That's it? Nothing?"

"Yeah," Liv laughed, "I'm a sucker for being left in the cold by a man…" she just shrugged, "and then about 7 years later he came back. It took awhile for me to even talk to him, for us to discuss things— he gave me all these bullshit excuses and my therapist kept pushing me to follow my feelings. I reached out to his ex-wife and she gave me her blessing…" Olivia laughed, "you should always be healthily suspicious of an ex-wife who gives you permission to date her husband."

Trevor couldn't help but to laugh.

"So yeah… it was a very, very slow burn and then it turned in to a fire that I just couldn't figure out how to extinguish before both Noah and I got very, very badly hurt…"

"It doesn't sound like you deserved any of that much less little Noah."

"I'd like to think I didn't deserve it, but … I don't know," she shrugged, "maybe love isn't for me. I have Noah and that's all I really focus on some days."

"I know, I have my family too, but having a partner — it's different. When they're gone there's an emptiness that you can't fill up, like they take a part of your soul with them and it's so lonely when you're by yourself in bed and staring up at the ceiling trying not to think about it all…"

How could he have got it so accurate, she wondered. It was as though the words that came from his mouth were the thoughts that crossed her mind when she was alone. "Yeah, you're right… and I have learned to put up this weird guard because my friend, the detective you met, Amanda, she didn't agree with my relationship with him. I get why, I understand why she got mad and for months she didn't speak to me and finally when it all exploded in my face, she knew I needed her and she helped me figure out how to end things but then … Elliot came back and just promised to start fresh, to take everything I was saying to heart and to change, I forgave him and Amanda literally only started talking to me again after a month — I went through that break up entirely alone."

"That seems kind of cruel of her," he remarked.

"I understand why she was upset. She got sick of seeing me hurt and she was worried it was going to hurt Noah. She genuinely thought Elliot was going to become abusive physically. He didn't, but I guess he was emotionally abusive."

"No doubt. The things Noah has told me, that Elliot convinced him to quit ballet because it was girly but to not tell you, that Elliot called him weak, that he wasn't allowed to be affectionate with you— those are such toxic behaviours and I'm so sorry that he did that to the both of you."

Olivia felt her face burning with shame. "I didn't know that about ballet, thank you for telling me. If Noah was ever called weak in front of me, I did not stand for it, it was one of the reasons why I knew I needed to break up…"

"Its okay Olivia, I'm not judging…"

"If you were, you'd have every right. Even I judge me."

"You're being too hard on yourself. We all have our weak spots or our blinders on when it comes to certain people…"

She nodded. What else could she do or say? She swallowed hard.

"Sorry if I pried too much, I can see that you're still a little sore over it…"

"Its alright," Olivia replied. "It's just like splitting a wound each time I spend too much time thinking about him."

Trevor laughed sardonically, "I can relate to that…" he finished his tea. "Thanks Olivia, for this … unexpected night, for being my friend and for being so honest and open. I truly appreciate it."

She smiled at him, "you're welcome. If I'm honest, it was really nice to talk to you and to get to know the guy my kid really holds in such high esteem. It was a lovely chance meet, maybe your wife knew you needed to talk tonight."

The smile faded from his lips and he nodded solemnly. "I just wish that the guilt would pass…"

"You don't have anything to feel guilty about, Trevor, what happened was an accident and you could have never planned for it. You can play what-ifs until the end of time and still it wouldn't change what's already set in motion. I know it's so hard but — maybe you could just look upon the years you both had together and cherish it with everything you have but understand that there is a future too and you can still miss her and love her and wish she was here while moving on with your life as well."

He held on to her words, maybe because as he stared in to her chocolate eyes, he wondered if there was something underlying there too. Maybe it'd just been too long since he'd been around female company and his brain was fucking with him — or maybe it was that it felt like Olivia Benson saw him. She seemed as though she was someone who had dealt with a lot of loss and loneliness and who had a lot of love to give but no one except her son to give it to.

It was a shame, he thought.

"Its easier said than done, I know…" she couldn't help but to add.

"It is, but I know there's merit to what you're saying… maybe if I ever find a woman who isn't put off by the idea of me missing my wife, I might be able to move on with things… Until then, I just put all the caring that I have left in the world in to my students, they need it - a lot of them really, really need it."

"Noah told me he talks to you about things because he can't trust that his Uncle Sonny won't come and blab everything to me and it made me feel like I am betraying his trust so… I guess from now on, you don't have to tell me everything he says, only things if you think I need to know…"

Trevor nodded. "That's entirely fair."

"I don't want my son not to trust me and I think he would feel hurt by both of us if he knew that you were updating me in such detail."

He felt a little disappointed, he enjoyed texting with her. "Yeah, plus I'm sure my text messages are long and annoying when you're trying to get things done at work," he added.

"No, you can still text me whenever you want— about Noah or even if you want to talk. I don't mind."

"Thanks Olivia…" he replied, wondering if she was just being polite or if it was something he would continue to do. "I better go and let you sleep. I'm sure Ruby is wondering where I am. Oh, has Noah asked you for a dog today?," he chuckled.

Olivia laughed and let her head fall back, "yes. I've given him some tasks and some things that he needs to do and bring to me before I will give him my answer."

"Dogs are good therapy, Liv, I can attest to that. I think Noah would benefit from a dog if he proves he can take care of it."

"So until then are you gonna let him visit with your dog?," she wondered cheekily as he stood up. He took both of their empty mugs to the sink before Olivia had a chance to protest.

"Sure," he replied, "if that's what Noah wants, I told him, he can take her for a run on saturday mornings."

"Thanks for being so good to my kid," she got up too. "I'll walk you downstairs," she offered.

"Nah, it's probably really cold out, you stay here, I'm sure I can make my own way." They stood at her door. She was a lot shorter now as he stood before her and she was barefoot wearing just a pair of spotted socks. "Thanks for the tea and for the drinks tonight, it was so nice, take care of yourself…"

He hesitated for a moment before pausing, "is it okay if I give you a hug? Is that too weird?"

Olivia laughed - a tiny space within her feeling momentarily giddy with feeling for him. It was fleeting. "It's not weird, we all need a hug sometimes," she replied trying to seem nonchalant.

He towered over her, opening his arms and engulfing her. Trevor tried not to make it weird but he forgot how wonderful it felt relax in the arms of a woman who clearly cared how he felt for whatever reason. He let his eyes close as he counted a few seconds in his brain knowing that he would have to pull away.

So he did, reluctantly. He could have stood for a lot longer in the embrace — human contact and connection, it seemed like a distant memory.

He was so thankful to Olivia for her patience and for entertaining his stupid conversation.

"Goodnight, Trevor. I hope you sleep well."

"Goodnight," he smiled, "go easy on yourself, Olivia, and feel free to text me anytime if you need to talk."

"Thanks," she replied. She gave him a little wave and watched him make his way down the hall to the lift.

She gave him a little wave and closed her apartment door.

It had just hit 2 in the morning. She wanted to talk to Amanda but instead, she found herself texting Nick. It was was only around 11pm in California and she knew he would be able to talk to her about how she was feeling in an objective way.

She got changed and got right in to bed, feeling her whole body melt in to the mattress, forgetting how good laying down felt. She began to text Nick and fell asleep before she could hit send.