Trigger warning for death and grief.
Hey people! :) thanks for continuing to read this. This is a fairly long chapter starting with a flash back for Trevor. Let me know what you think :)
Chapter 9
(before)
"Trevor," Irene looked at him, "do you have your cell phone on you?," the admin clerk asked as he walked in to work, heading to the Economics department office.
"Yeah? In my bag?," he shot the admin a quizzical look. "What's wrong?" Her face was a little stricken and he wondered what had happened. He hoped Lorraine Hopkins the economics department dinosaur hadn't called in sick, her students were hard work on account of her being a terrible teacher.
Irene the school admin looked behind him and went to stay something but Trevor turned away from her and was greeted by two police officers. "Hi," he flashed them a smile, "can I help you?"
One of the officers was a woman who looked a similar age to him. She had long dark hair tied back neatly behind her beneath her hat and the other was a male officer who almost matched his own height but was also a lot more muscular than he was.
"Hopefully," she replied. "We're looking for Mr. Trevor Langan."
"Yeah, that's me," he felt a warm shiver go over his body. At first he wondered what he did wrong, but he quickly figured out that they weren't there for a crime that he had taken part in.
"Is there a place where we could talk in private?," she asked gently. With nervousness, he directed them just down the hall and in to a meeting office. The male officer who had identified himself as Officer O'Dell and the female one, Officer Parker closed the door behind them.
"Would you like to take a seat, Mr. Langan?"
"No," he shook his head, "what's going on?"
Parker glanced at her partner and then back at Trevor. He could tell she was reluctant. "Mr. Langan, I'm very sorry to tell you that there's been an accident, your wife Lana was in a car wreck an hour ago," she told him slowly. Trying to process the words as they came from her mouth, he decided he did need to sit. It was the absolute last thing that he had expected to hear.
Not Lana, he had only just said goodbye to her less than 2 hours earlier. "Is she okay?" He blurted out. "Please…" he wasn't sure what he was begging for.
"She sustained critical injuries and has been rushed to St. Catherines. We've spoken with your sister and we're going to take you across there now if you'd like to come with us."
Trevor nodded but he felt unable to move. His legs were jelly and his back was still weighed down by his belongings that he'd not even had a second to set down.
Finally, thinking of Lana, he found his feet. He didn't remember saying a word to anyone on his way out, but he remembered everyone staring at him; children wondering if he'd committed a crime, teachers nosey and wanting to hear the gossip.
He sat in the back of the cop car and didn't say a word. He pulled his phone out and saw dozens of missed calls. He wasn't religious but he prayed, he said all the prayers he'd learned as a child when his father had insisted they go to church for a moral compass…. or whatever. If there was a higher being, they had to help Lana, she was too good, she was too good to leave this world.
He did everything he could to not panic. Surely she would be fine, this was his wife, she was too young, too smart, too much of a careful driver — she would be fine, he consoled himself. She wouldn't leave him, she loved him too much and they had too many plans.
Once at the hospital, Officer O'Dell dropped him and Officer Parker at the emergency bay. "Do you know anything about how she's doing?" Trevor asked her as they walked toward the entry.
"No, I'm sorry. I hope that it all works out," she told him as they entered. He looked up to find his sister waiting for him. He didn't remember what he did with his bag; he must have left it back at the school. All he had on his person was his wallet and his phone. Raia engulfed her brother who looked absolute distraught.
"Where is she?," he asked, breaking the hug as quickly as she had put her arms around him. "Where's Lana?"
"She's in surgery," Raia replied. He glanced down at her, her scrubs weren't clean, they had a lot of blood over them. He wondered if….
No, he thought, he wasn't going to allow his mind to go there.
She grabbed his arm and pulled him in to the patients area and in to a staff only room. "Trevor, it's really bad…" she murmured, trying to hold it together, "I need you to know Lana is in a really bad way…"
"W-what do you mean? She's going to be okay, right?"
She could barely stand to see him as he was; the colour had drained from his face, he found a seat. His hands shook. "I don't know, Trev… but she lost a lot of blood and they don't know the full extent of her injuries, but…" she stared in to his eyes and felt hers film over with tears, "I've called her parents and Mom and Dad… I think you have to prepare yourself."
"No!," he snapped, "don't be dramatic," he told his sister angrily, "I don't need to hear this, you need to be positive! Raia, I can't lose her, you have to do something…" his voice dissolved in to desperation.
He grabbed her arms, he stared at her as the tears fell down her cheeks, "Raia, please…" he murmured, watching her cry, "please… you have to do something."
She reached up and wiped her own tears and eventually pulled her brother to her, holding him tightly. She knew, she knew from all of her years of nursing who had a good chance of pulling through. But… there'd been so much blood, so many contusions and a severe injury in her chest area. She knew Lana's chances of pulling through were slim.
She wanted to fold, she wanted to let her legs buckle and fall to the ground, screaming out with frustration and grief for her closest friend, for her sister-in-law.
She couldn't though, she had to be there for Trevor. He was more sensitive than she was, he was going to take it harder. Somehow, by miracle Lana was conscious when she'd been wheeled in to the ER. It was everything Raia had within her to not show a flicker of concern despite the fact that Lana knew herself she had serious injuries.
She kept asking for Trevor, asking how far away he was, if he would come soon. It had only been a matter of minutes, the whole time Raia held her hand, consoled her that Trevor would arrive soon. She held her as well as she could to allay her fears and told her her brother loved her as they wheeled her in to the OR, she watched tears run down Lana's face as she made her promise to please, please tell Trevor she loved him.
Raia had managed to compose herself before her brother had arrived. She wiped her eyes as someone from her team came to bring them both a box of tissues and two chairs to sit down on.
Trevor pulled away as he heard someone speak to his sister softly. He looked up and saw a male nurse who urged him to sit down. "I'll go get you both some tea," he told them both, "when the rest of your family get here, I'll let you know."
"Do you know anything?" Trevor asked him desperately, "when will someone be able to tell us something?"
"As soon as we hear something, we'll let you both know, I promise," he spoke in a soft soothing voice that served only to frustrate Trevor.
"Please, please tell them to take special care of her, she….," the words extinguished before they left his mouth. He rested his arms on the sparse table top, bouncing his knee, trying to get rid of some nervous energy. "She can't die…" he finally said out loud to his sister. "She won't… she's strong, Ray," he told her, "she won't leave us…"
Raia couldn't stand to see her brother so wounded and clouded by a false sense of security that his wife would be okay. She hadn't been able to see the extent of her injuries on the chart but she'd heard in passing as they wheeled her to the OR aside from what she'd seen at first glance.
A few minutes later the nurse came back with tea. "Guys, I'm going to take you down to the OR waiting room that way the doctor can see you both as soon as he's out. When your family gets here, I'll bring them down too."
Trevor didn't remember much of what happened next. He sat for what felt like hours. Lana's family were upstate and weren't that far away, he hoped. His own parents walked in just as he began to wonder where they could be.
His mother sat beside him and held him close without a word. His father sat with Raia. "Would you like me to say a prayer?," he asked his two children.
Trevor nodded, it couldn't have hurt, he thought, but his mind was somewhere else. He wanted to be in the OR. He hated that she was in there. He wondered how long she had been waiting in the car, frightened and in pain until help had arrived on the scene. He wondered why he hadn't taken more time in the morning to notice her, to tell her how beautiful she was.
Fuck, he thought. He had been so caught up in asking her to transfer money that when she told him she loved him as she got in to the car, he didn't repeat it back.
He didn't tell her he loved her too. And he did. He did love her. He loved his wife more than any other person. She was his everything.
He wiped a couple of tears that fell from his eyes.
Time stood still and before he knew it he was surrounded by his in-laws too but he could barely acknowledge them. It struck him when it fell dark that if his wife wasn't in the OR, she would have been at home, they would have been waiting for Raia to come over for dinner with her husband who sat beside her, holding her.
He made promises with the universe, he promised that if she could recover that he would never ever take her for granted again— that he would never fight with her, that he would appreciate her and tell her every single day.
The doctor finally emerged from a hallway and called upon his sister. She jumped up, following him down the hall promising that she would be back in a moment. Trevor bounced his leg as his hands trembled.
It was around fifteen minutes later someone called his name. He glanced around and found the source of the voice. It was the nurse who had led them to the OR earlier. He got up and followed him with jelly legs. The nurse's face had zero expression and he had no idea what to think. He was taken to a quiet room where his sister was with the surgeon. The fact that his sister was nodding and listening and not crying surely meant that things were okay.
"Trevor, take a seat-" the surgeon told him. Trevor surveyed the man who was wearing clean scrubs, his surgical mask was undone and hanging around his neck. He looked solemn but not upset. He took a seat as directed.
Raia turned to her brother. "What's going on?," he asked as both his sister and the surgeon looked at him. "Why are you staring at me like that? Is she okay?," he could hear it; the tremble within his own voice.
"Trevor," Raia started, swallowing the lump in her throat. "Trevor, I have to tell you something," her voice became like a whisper and he could tell that she was barely holding it together. She bit her lip hard to stop her from crying. The surgeon realised quickly that despite Raia adamantly wanting to be the one to tell her brother, she couldn't do it.
"Trevor, Lana's injuries were just … far too severe, we worked on her for hours and we did everything we could but I'm so sorry to tell you, she didn't make it."
He felt his world stop.
A loud buzzing overtook the sound of the voices that spoke platitudes and explanations until silence.
He thought he might faint. Everything became radio silent, he could have heard a pin drop. It was the feeling of having waterlogged ears - everything sounded far away. He was paralysed to the spot, unable to speak, to move — to breathe and when he tried, the air burned his lungs. He couldn't compute the information and Raia watched on helplessly as his face twisted in to grief.
"No," he finally spoke up, his voice quivered, weak with emotion, "no, no that's just not true, she can't be…" he added.
"I'm so, so, so sorry, Trevor," Raia replied, taking his hands.
"She can't… she can't be gone, she can't leave me like this." He let out a loud guttural cry that seemed to echo throughout the tiny room. She felt his pain radiating. She reached for him and took him in her arms as he lost his composure. The surgeon gave them some time so that he could go and speak to the rest of the family, giving Raia the news first as a professional courtesy.
Just minutes later the rest of the family filed in to the room. It was heartbreaking and Trevor wanted to get away from everyone. He wanted to be alone; he wanted to be with Lana.
"I want to see her," he told his sister. "I want to say goodbye…"
He got up, suddenly with purpose, leaving everyone behind as he went to find a doctor or a nurse or someone who could help him. Eventually someone turned up at the OR reception. "My wife is in there, Lana… I want to see her," he said, his voice brittle, splintering off with tears that he brushed away, ignoring them.
There were other people around who stared but he didn't care.
"Okay," the admin spoke softly and gently to him, "give me just a moment…"
"Lana Langan," he interrupted her, "I just spoke to her surgeon. I want to see her," his voice broke, "I need to see her, please-"
"Honey," he felt his mother's arms around him, "honey, it's okay, the nurse is going to come and get you and Bob and Paula when they've taken her to a private room, we just have to wait."
"She's alone," Trevor objected, "she's alone, I don't want her to be alone— I wasn't there when she-" he let out a sob, "I need to be with her," his tone was urgent as the tears streamed down his cheeks and his mother whispered an apology to the receptionist as she guided him away to sit in a chair. He cried, not loudly, no sobs, but just loud enough for everyone who waited to understand that something terrible and tragic had happened.
"Sweetheart, it's okay," his mother soothed him guiding his head close to her, caressing his hair.
"It's not okay," he protested. "It's not okay…" He clenched his eyes shut as tight as he could, hoping that when he opened them it would prove to be just an awful dream.
/
With a cloak of fear falling over his shoulders, he took a step in to the small room. He could hear the beep of the machines before he saw her. He felt heavy with sorrow and a deep sense of foreboding seemed to follow him like a cloud.
He took a deep breath and looked over at the bed. He was confused at first; she still had machines hooked up to her. He wondered if there was a misunderstanding, if Lana could still recover.
"You can spend as long as you like here, Mr. Langan," the nurse told him, "there may be someone coming in and out just checking on things." She gave him a re-assuring glance, "do you have any questions for me?"
"The machines…" he remarked as if he needed an explanation.
"They're just keeping her body alive," she told him politely. He finally let his eyes sweep over the crisp white sheet that covered her small frame all the way up to her shoulders. He stepped closer and surveyed her lifeless body. Her face was bruised on one side and her beautiful dark curls that were tied back save for a few that framed her face. She had small cuts and bruises which had clearly been cleaned up.
She looked every bit as beautiful as she had earlier in the morning when he waved her off for the day. He would have given everything to be able to go back and change the way things went in the morning. He would have encouraged her to stay in bed, call in sick, cuddle with him all day — the way they sometimes did when they first met.
He was reluctant to touch her, scared to disturb her. Her skin was paler than usual, but even with the porcelain white shade, she looked beautiful and peaceful. He reached out finally and ran his forefingers across her arm that lay beside her, her palms facing upward to the sky. Her skin was cold to the touch. He let his fingers thread through hers and realised with great regret and crippling pain unlike anything he'd ever experienced, that he would never feel her small fingers curling around his. She would never grip his hand in fear, nor would she clutch on to his arm for support or just as an excuse to cuddle.
His life was never going to be the same again.
He let go of her hand and caressed her cool cheek. "I'm so sorry," he wept, "I'm so sorry that I wasn't there…"
With the tears still streaming down his face he continued to talk to his wife. He sat beside her bed and cried. "I should have been there for you," he sobbed, "and I wasn't Lana, and I am so, so, so sorry."
"I didn't even tell you I loved you this morning…" he murmured, "I hate myself for that. I love you so much. I don't know how to do this without you… this can't be real…" He cried loudly, just anticipating her to lift her hand and stroke his hair the way she had in the past when he was going through something.
But there was nothing, only stillness and he had never, ever felt more alone.
/
Everything that happened after was a blur. He didn't remember how long they'd been at the hospital, but he was sure they all lost a day. His parents took him home to his apartment and he swallowed a valium that a doctor had given him. He took it with a glass of water and went to bed on the couch, unable to come to terms with laying in a bed without her.
His mother promised to stay for as long as he needed, but he didn't care. He didn't care about anything — not his job, who was in his house, who was going to turn up, about eating the food his father seemed to keep constantly offering him - he wished that he could switch the world off.
Despite the valium, he did nothing but stare at the ceiling. He tried at some point during the day to turn the television on - something mind numbing so he didn't think or cry. He wanted to sleep, in his dreams maybe she would exist, maybe she would come back to him.
He pulled the blanket tightly around him and shut his eyes, hoping for sleep to take him.
/
(Present)
Trevor woke up feeling a little disoriented from the dream he'd had. It was awhile since he'd had that nightmare — not really a nightmare, just reliving the day he lost his wife while he was asleep. Sometimes his brain thought about it over and over - he took it as a win that that day wasn't the last thing he thought about before bed or the first thing he thought about when he opened his eyes — but still it haunted him and when it did, it made him feel overwhelmed.
He remembered the bar the night before — quite a few bourbons and a few vodkas — that at least explained the headache. A pang of guilt hit him as he thought about how he'd ended up at Olivia's apartment drinking tea and spilling stupid shit that he was sure would make her steer clear of him.
He worried that she might frown upon letting him continue to help Noah and coach him. Sensing him awake, Ruby jumped on to the bed and snuggled close this. He gave her a little smile and picked up his phone. He considered sending Olivia an apology but realised that there was already a text from her.
Hey Trevor, I hope you're not pulling up too rough this morning. I had a nice impromptu hang out last night. It was good to have an unlikely friend in you. I hope today is a bit easier than yesterday. Let me know that you got home okay. I'm headed out to go see Noah shortly. Have a good day.
He smiled and put the phone back down. He wrapped an arm around his big goofy dog and cuddled her close.
He couldn't wait for a coffee to help with the headache. "You want some breakfast and a walk, sweetheart?," he asked his dog.
Her ears perked up, she sat up and stared at him her head cocked. "Yeah?," he pushed, "a walk?"
Ruby jumped off the bed and he laughed as he sat up, knowing exactly what she was doing. She returned a few moments later with her leash. "Good girl," he took it from her and gave her a pat. "Good girl… okay, let me get dressed…"
He grabbed his glasses from the bedside table and went to brush his teeth. He put on a pair of sweat pants and a plain white t-shirt. He knew he looked a little homely but he wasn't planning on going too far. He yawned as he sprayed and gelled his hair.
He gave Ruby her morning crunchy food which she demolished in half a second flat. He clipped her leash on and together they left his apartment. They walked for a short while until Ruby stopped to sniff a hedge outside of a Starbucks. "C'mon," he tugged at her leash gently, but she'd spotted someone who was coming at her to pet her. It was usually kids. The little girl approached and Trevor gave her a warm smile. She looked back at her mother who sat at a table outside.
"Go ahead, ask…" she told her as she flashed Trevor a smile.
"Is it okay if I pet her?," she asked him, looking up at the tall, tall man.
"Of course, she'd love that," he told her warmly. The little girl patted her beneath her chin as Trevor showed her. Ruby was good with children but she didn't appreciate when stranger's tried to touch the top of her head.
As the little girl walked away Trevor heard a knock on the glass of the window coming from inside the Starbucks. He glanced up but couldn't see anything or anyone. "Ok Rubes, you got your pat, are you ready to keep going? I need a coffee…"
He heard the knock again. He turned around and glanced at the window, squinting. It was no secret that his vision wasn't the best. He immediately smiled and waved. It was Noah. He waved Trevor in, but he couldn't take Ruby. He pointed to her and shook his head.
A few seconds later Noah emerged, "Hey!," he greeted Trevor, "what are you doing up so bright and early? I thought teenagers like to sleep in!"
Noah laughed, "No, Mom picked me up from my Uncle and Aunt's early." He was about to ask where Olivia was when she appeared behind Noah.
"Hi," he greeted Olivia suddenly feeling a little self-conscious in his ugly sweats. "Nice to see you again, Olivia," he gave her a little nod of recognition.
"Trevor, why don't you come and sit down with us? We were about to order coffee."
Trevor grinned at Noah and then at Olivia, "Really though, Starbucks? Coffee?"
Olivia laughed knowingly. "If you get the no-frills stuff it's not the worst," she added.
"I can't bring Ruby inside, thanks though," he smiled.
"No, we'll sit out here, right Mom? We can have coffee with Trevor?"
Olivia looked at her son and could tell that he was really sold on the idea. "Sure babe, only if Trevor has time, he might be busy with Ruby or have other plans."
"What if I have a better idea?" Trevor offered, taking a gamble. "What if you get your Starbucks drink and we walk across there," he nodded just a short distance to Central Park, "and I'll get your Mom and I real coffees and when you're done you can take Ruby for a little walk — if you guys have the time."
Noah looked thrilled by the idea. "Is that okay Mom?," he asked, "I could walk Ruby again," he was so excited and Olivia realised just how badly he might have needed a companion pet.
"Okay, are you sure we're not bothering you, Mr. Langan?," she offered him a way out.
He smiled at her, "No, not at all — but if you guys have other plans, I don't want to hold you up."
"No plans," Liv replied, "we're just gonna hang out today, right kiddo?"
Noah smiled and nodded.
"Well honey, why don't you go in and get your drink. Do you still have money on your Starbucks card?"
"Yeah, thanks Mom," he replied happily, "I'll be back in a few minutes."
Trevor watched Noah disappear inside and glanced at Olivia. "Thanks for your text this morning, sorry I didn't reply yet, I uh…" he glanced down at his clothes, "as you can see, I've just rolled out of bed-,"
"You don't have to apologise," she replied gently.
"Well, I'd planned on asking you how you felt this morning and to thank you too. When I opened my eyes I felt awful, like 'oh, man… this poor woman, all she was doing was asking questions to a bartender for a job and she ends up dealing with me,'"
They both managed a laugh, "honestly, I had a nicer time dealing with you, as you put it, than trying to get information from people who absolutely do not want to help cops,"
He beamed at the detective who was a little bit more casual too— she wore a pair of blue jeans and a pink sweater with her hair pulled back messily and a pair of sunglasses perched on her head. "And, I woke up without a headache or worse, so that's a win for me," she smiled broadly right back at him.
"That's good, I'm glad to hear it." Olivia stepped forward and crouched down out of the way, distracted momentarily by his dog that was eyeing her off.
"And you, I've heard a lot about you…" she smiled. Trevor watched his dog greet her without hesitation, nuzzling her neck like she'd known Olivia her whole life. "Oh, you're so sweet, aren't you?," she remarked.
"C'mon Rubes, you're getting too friendly, Olivia might'n want your snout all over her."
"Ohhhh, she's okay," Liv replied, "dog snuggles are okay by me, she's clean, aren't you, sweetheart?" Ruby nuzzled her again, resting her head on Olivia's shoulder as she did when she wanted to let him know she was ready to receive a cuddle.
Trevor laughed, "she's angling for a hug," he informed her.
Olivia obliged, wrapping her arms around the sweet dog. She ran her fingers through her soft curly fur before pulling away. Ruby looked in to her eyes, and she had to admit, this dog stared in to her soul. She was gorgeous and could tell why she was so dearly loved by Trevor —and now her son.
"So are you sure you guys want to go grab coffee? I'm surprised Noah is okay with that."
"Noah is in a great mood and he's incredibly charmed by Ruby," she got to her feet, "and personally, I don't mind the company, especially if your presence is going to make my son sweeter to me," she laughed.
Trevor smiled, "Okay, I really don't want to step on any toes."
She shrugged, "honestly, I had such a nice time last night just chatting with you, even if some of those topics were a bit hard. It's not often I meet someone I feel comfortable just being so open with."
"Me either…" his voice trailed off. What did it mean? Did it mean anything at all? Olivia was a gorgeous woman — even in that moment, looking casual and with just a tiny hint of make up, she was stunning. There was something about her and he chose to believe it was just how wonderful and compassionate her heart was. Despite being broken time and time again, she hadn't managed to lose any of that warmth for others.
He didn't mean to be staring but she picked up on it and it made her stomach flip-flop— in a nice way. He had commented that he thought he looked awful in his sweats and t-shirt, but he was wrong. His hair was thick with it brushed back with a wave, kept in place with product, she figured. His exposed arms showed perfect muscular arms that she stared at fleetingly so as he didn't realise and as for his clothes, she didn't even mind the just-woken-up look, it was taking her brain to another place and she could have kicked Amanda for even putting things in to her head.
His green eyes were something else; piercing and commanding, she found them hard to look away from, but disarming at the same time.
Nothing about him seemed like a red flag, it was rare. She always found red flags immediately when speaking with men - most men anyway, she thought. It was the way they spoke about women, the way they would flaunt their opinion and denounce everyone else's. Red flags came in the way of attitude too. There were just too many things that were keeping her single.
Not to mention the trauma, she thought.
She tried to blank out her mind, where was it even going? Sure, Noah's teacher was incredibly handsome with his grin that made her legs feel like spaghetti, but he was Noah's teacher and not only that, he had a lot of things to work through on his end.
Trevor looked up to see Noah coming from the entrance holding a fruit tea. "That was fast, whatcha get?," he asked him casually.
"I got a strawberry tea," he replied, a little embarrassed. A friend had accused it of being a girl's drink, so he only ever bought it when he was with his Mom.
"Looks tasty," Trevor replied, "and if we forget the sugar, its probably better than having a caffeine addiction at 14."
Olivia put her arm around her boy as they started to walk. Trevor turned to Noah, "would you like to walk her?"
"Sure, thanks…" Noah grinned happily taking the leash from Trevor and picking up his pace for the dog. "Mom," he called over his shoulder, "I want the same kind of dog cos she looks like a Teddy Bear and I can't resist her…"
"Okay, we'll talk about it…" she called back shaking her head with a smile. "When I have a giant dog bounding around my apartment, Trevor, I'm going to be blaming you," she muttered, nudging him.
Trevor laughed. "He's got a point though. She is hard to resist and she does kind of provide teddy-bear-level comfort."
Olivia chuckled as they came to the pedestrian to cross the road in to the park. Noah realised how far ahead he was and turned to face Trevor and his Mom and was happy to see that they chatted comfortably. He didn't want it to be awkward or put his Mom in an uncomfortable situation but he really wanted to spend time with Ruby and chat with Trevor again.
He always felt like after chatting to Trevor, he walked away feeling quietly confident, like there wasn't actually anything wrong with his feelings and it left him feeling far less frustrated and angry with himself.
He waited for them, "Trev, did you know that my Mom is the Captain of Manhattan SVU?," he asked, wanting to give them a point of conversation.
"Noah—" Olivia laughed.
"I did, I figured that yesterday," he smiled, "your Mom is a bit of a super hero, huh?," he asked the teenager who was clearly proud of his Mom's position. "Taking care of the city."
"Stop it, guys…" Trevor couldn't help but to notice how sweet it was that her cheeks turned a shade of pink.
"It's true, Mom, you're the local Batman," Noah giggled.
"You're silly," she replied waving off her son's compliments.
Trevor pointed to a little coffee cart. "Okay, I'm gonna race down there and grab us both a coffee," he told Olivia, "how do you take yours?"
"A very, very strong latte, please…"
"You got it," he smiled, he turned to Noah, "are you okay with Ruby?"
Noah nodded. They headed a little further in to the park closer to the coffee van, finding a place to sit at a park bench, watching people running and cycling the fast path. They took a seat and watched Trevor's back facing them, heading off to get the coffee. "Mom are you mad?" Noah asked, a little guiltily.
"For what, babe?," she wondered, frowning at him, wondering why he would think that.
"Because I just invited my teacher to coffee with you when you don't even know him, you were looking forward to just us time," he remarked, "I just got excited, sorry."
"Honey," Olivia reached across the table and took his sweet babyface in her hands, "you really like Trevor, I can tell that, you look up to him and he seems like a genuinely good person so far, I'm okay to get to know the person you've been spending a little bit of time with…"
"Really? It doesn't make you feel awkward?"
Olivia shrugged. "Not really. I don't really understand what it is about him that you really look up to, but I can respect it and if you think he's worth getting to know, then that's fine with me."
Noah smiled. "I guess I just like him because he's kind to me and he's kind with his time and he's helping me with things that I struggle with at school. I know it's kind of lame to hang out with a teacher outside of school and I know if the kids found out they'd never let me live it down, but it was only because of Ruby."
"I know, honey, you don't have to explain it to me and it doesn't matter what other kids say, you need to do what you need to do. Maybe he's a good male role model for you and I don't really want to put a stop to that."
"Thanks Mom," he murmured, sipping his drink. "Do you think sometime this week I could invite my friend Adam around so we can play playstation after school?"
"Sure," she agreed. "You let me know in advance though, okay?"
"Maybe after football training instead of having his brother pick us up, you could pick us up."
It was a first that he'd asked to be picked up from school in a long time. She couldn't help but to feel warm inside. "Sounds good… if you are doing friday night training, then maybe I can get you guys dinner too. Pizza and Playstation, at least then I wont have to worry about homework not getting done."
Noah grinned, "OK, I'll ask him."
"Ask me what?" Trevor asked, returning with two coffees and a paper bag full of something that Ruby immediately sat down for, thinking he had bought her a surprise.
"Not you," Noah rolled his eyes, "Not everything is about you Trevor…" he teased.
Trevor grinned. "And here I was about to give you this chocolate chip muffin, but you had to get all smart on me," he replied.
Olivia laughed, "look what you did, babe, you just ruined your chances at an actual edible breakfast." Trevor ripped open the paper bag and presented three muffins. Olivia couldn't help but to feel a little thrill from his kindness.
"Mom," Noah cocked his head, "your breakfast is always good, stop saying you're a bad cook, you're not."
"I didn't say I was a bad cook," she winked at him, "what are you saying?"
He just laughed and Trevor did too, watching their banter. It was nice to see Noah looking to have a healthy relationship with his Mom who he could tell absolutely adored him.
"Okay guys, I have a chocolate chip muffin, a blueberry chocolate chip and an apple and cinnamon… which one would you like?," he asked Noah.
"You choose Mom," Noah waited for his Mom. She smiled appreciatively at her teen. She knew Noah wouldn't be able to resist the chocolate chip. "Mmm I'll take the apple and cinnamon if that's okay… thank you Trevor."
"Go for it," he motioned for her to take it.
Olivia picked it up and Trevor told Noah to take what he wanted. Naturally, as expected, he chose the chocolate chip one. "You know, this is actually my favourite," Trevor told them as he lifted the blueberry chocolate, "so, I think I win."
"Chocolate chip or anything chocolate is mine so I win," Noah retorted smartly.
"Well, I'm winning because this coffee is amazing," Olivia lifted her cup that she just sipped from, "and I have breakfast and I've got good company so, thank you Trevor and thank you Noah." She saw that Ruby was staring at her, "and thank you too, sweetheart Ruby," she smiled.
"Thank you both," Trevor replied.
Noah couldn't stop smiling. He felt comfortable and light and with a strong sense of belonging.
"So, what's the plan for the day? What are you guys gonna get up to?" Trevor wanted to know as he felt the sweet relief of the coffee make its way down his throat. He almost sighed out loud.
"We don't have plans," Olivia replied, "we're gonna take it easy today, right kiddo?"
Noah nodded, "but we are gonna go to go to family dinner with my Uncle Sonny and his family tonight." He was excited. "Grandma 'Fina. Makes the most amazing food for about a hundred people, so we always get a lot of leftovers."
"Oh, wow, that sounds great. What type of food?"
"Italian, lasagne, spaghetti, bread, salads — all the amazing stuff," he replied.
"Sonny and Amanda, my workmates, they take care of Noah and Sonny's mother just adores Noah, they're so kind and treat him like one of their own grandchildren."
"Oh, that's so kind!" Trevor smiled at Noah, "what's your favourite Italian dish?," he asked.
"Mmmm," Noah thought, "I like lasagne, Grandma makes the best one I've ever had so whenever someone else tries to serve it, it's just never that good."
Olivia smiled, "Yeah, Serafina's lasagne is actually the best."
"What about you, Trevor, what do you like to eat the most?" Noah wondered.
"Mmm, good question…" his voice trailed off, "I don't know really, I'm not picky, I eat most foods. I think I like Thai food or a great steak."
"Oh yeah, I like Thai food too," Olivia replied, "when Noah was little, it was the only thing I could get that would make him eat vegetables because it's hidden beneath sauces," she added.
"Well, you better eat your vegetables now, Noah, you're gonna need it when you're on the team playing a game every week."
Noah shrugged, "I like vegetables now."
"Good," Trevor smiled. "Noah did you tell your Mom about how well you did on your last essay?"
"No, he didn't," Olivia replied. "In fact, he didn't even tell me he was having trouble with his English assignments."
Noah felt himself instantly grow annoyed, "I don't have to tell you every single time I get a bad mark, Mom. Sometimes, I'm not great at stuff when it comes to schoolwork."
"Did you have trouble because of your dyslex-"
"No!," he snapped, for some reason, not wanting Trevor to know about his minor learning disability.
"Wait, what?" Trevor asked, "Noah, you have dyslexia?," he asked, realising it made sense as to why he struggled following the instructions that the teacher had given them about their essays. "Noah, is this why you struggled with your essay work?"
"No," he replied, frustratedly, frowning, "I don't know… maybe."
"You know you can tell Mr. Shearer and he could have given you some special-"
"I don't want special consideration, I just want to go to class and keep to myself and get my work done," he snapped.
"Noah!" Olivia reproached him.
Trevor glanced at her and then back at Noah, "its okay," he told Liv, "were my instructions easier to understand? Be honest."
"Yes," Noah replied, "your instructions were good."
"I know you may not believe me, but dyslexia isn't as uncommon as you think and you're not any different from your class mates just because your brain doesn't process information in the exact same way."
"I know," he sighed, irritated still.
"Well then what's the big problem with just notifying your teachers so they can be mindful at least?"
"Because," he mumbled, "I told Mr Hartly in my science class that I got dropped from when I needed help and he said that I shouldn't expect any special treatment and if I couldn't handle the learning speed, I should opt out."
"What?" Trevor was incredulous, "Noah, he actually said that?"
"Are you kidding me? I pay this school all this money for a science teacher to dismiss my kid how is differently abled-"
"Its okay Mom its a learning disability. He was right though."
"No he absolutely was not right," Trevor replied, "I'm really sorry that happened and I don't think his reaction would be the general rule, Noah, you need to let your teachers know. Or if you don't feel comfortable, I can let them know."
And that was it, Olivia could tell his mood had changed. "No, don't say anything," he replied, picking at his muffin.
"Honey, we just want to help you, why are you making this so hard?" Olivia pleaded with him. She glanced at Trevor as though she was looking for help.
"Can we just drop it?," he snapped. He finished the last bite of his muffin and left his empty cup on the table. He turned to Trevor, "Can I take Ruby for a walk?"
"Sure…" Trevor gave him a reassuring smile.
They both watched Noah find his way to the running track.
"Everything always feels like a fight…" Olivia told Trevor with a sigh as she sipped at her coffee and took little bites of her muffin.
"I'll talk to him later over the weekend again if you like. He emailed me his second essay last night."
"Are you actually an angel?" Olivia asked with a tiny, cheeky smile that made his stomach flip-flop and shocked him. He felt himself tense with a sudden sense of guilt, a stir of emotions that didn't quite make sense to him. "First, coffee, a surprise muffin and really trying to help my kid out…"
He smiled, "I just see what needs to be done and I do it. He made eye contact, holding her gaze for a few moments longer than necessary.
Whatever it was that Trevor felt, Olivia felt it too.
"I'm going to put Noah on the field this week and practice with the team and build up some of that confidence. He's really hit it off with one his team mates who's such a good kid."
"Oh yeah, actually Noah asked me if he could have a friend around to play video games with… Adam?"
Trevor nodded, "you'll have zero issues with that friend. He comes from a single parent home. His older brother used to play in my team when he was still at school. Those kids have a lot of responsibility with their Mom working often and a little sister to take care of."
"Wow…" Olivia remarked, "ok, I'm glad that he's making better friends now."
"Yeah, I think Adam will help. Plus, if the two guys that I think are giving Noah a hard time still are, Adam will definitely look out for him and tell me."
"I want to know if they're giving Noah a hard time. He is having a hard enough time right now and I don't want to see people making it tough for him to get through every day."
Trevor nodded. "I'll keep you in the loop," he replied. "How's the coffee? Better than Starbucks right?"
Olivia laughed, "Starbucks is not coffee. This is great, thank you. I should pay you for it actually. You paid for drinks last night…"
"Nah," Trevor shook his head, "it was my invite," he replied. "But… maybe I've worn out my welcome, I didn't mean to sour the good vibe," he realised suddenly that the way he was feeling toward Olivia was something he wasn't entirely comfortable feeling— and the guilt that overshadowed him was too much.
"You didn't," Olivia protested, "it's okay Trevor."
She saw the panic set in and she knew it was something to do with the way he was looking at her— the way she was looking at him too.
"No, I better go…" he said quickly, balling up the paper bag with the paper muffin liner. "Thanks for the coffee and I'll sort things out with Noah's other teachers especially that science guy, what a dick…"
Olivia watched him get up. She nodded, "thanks Trevor- have a good day, don't forget my kid has your dog you might have to round him up… or chase him to get him to give her back."
"Oh," he smiled, "Noah is too fast, my knees would falter."
Olivia chuckled. "Thanks for the coffee and the muffin, for Noah too."
"You're welcome. See you later, Liv." He gave her a little wave, reluctantly peeling himself away despite wanting to stay and talk with her in the crisp sunshine all day.
She watched him leave, turning his back and heading the same way Noah went.
She couldn't help but to feel disappointed. He'd been spooked by the weird electricity that she had felt. Or at least that's what she felt. Maybe she'd been too flirty, she hadn't really been trying, but she couldn't help the giddy way that his smile seemed to make her feel, or the way that his eyes surveyed her with all of his attention as if he was listening to every word that came from her mouth — not distracted by a thing.
She sighed and plucked out her phone, waiting for Noah.
Wow, you were up super late. Tell me more about this guy. I want to be the judge as to whether or not he's worth your time. He's a widow, huh? Three years is probably still kind of raw, but he's kind to Noah… I think if you feel like he feels the same, then you need to follow that feeling. It's cut and dry, there doesn't need to be complication.
She loved Nick for his simplicity. He managed to untangle her feelings for her.
She was reluctant to share these new feelings with Amanda, burned by her level of involvement with Elliot and also understanding that Amanda would probably tell her to smash and dash.
Thanks Nick. Three years is raw, yeah, but I get the feeling that he's very, very lonely and I don't even know if he has any inkling of a feeling for me, I just feel a bit … giddy around him? We connected last night and I loved talking to him; honestly could have talked to him all night. Funnily enough I took Noah this morning and we ran in to him. He lives close to us. Noah got excited and invited him to grab coffee so we went to the park…
She relayed what had happened with Trevor and pressed send as she saw Noah coming up toward her.
"What happened?," he demanded to know.
"What do you mean?," she asked, confused.
"What did you to make Trevor leave? Did you say something? Did you interrogate him? Accuse him of something stupid?"
"First of all," she started, "watch your tone with me, do not speak to me like that. Second, he had to go, he probably had things to do. I didn't interrogate him or ask him anything stupid, as you so kindly put it."
Noah's anger changed to one of disappointment. "Why do people always leave?," he asked softly.
Olivia sighed and let her eyes close for a second, collecting her thoughts and trying to be strong. "Honey, come and sit down."
"No. Let's go home. I wanna go and play my play station or take a nap."
"You're not taking a nap or locking yourself away playing video games. Come and take a seat, we need to talk."
"I don't want to talk," he snapped.
"Well I do!, so I'll talk and you can just listen for a change."
Noah knew better than to argue anymore. Reluctantly he came to her side of the picnic table. "What is it?"
"Just sit…" she told him firmly. He did so. "Take a deep breath and let it out slow and don't fight me on it."
He rolled his eyes and did what she said. "Again," she told him when she wasn't satisfied with how he attempted the first time. Noah realised she wasn't playing about. He took another breath and let it out slowly.
"One more time and get rid of that attitude and anger when you let out your breath."
He felt stupid and childish, but as soon as he let the breath out, he realised there was some merit in what she was asking of him. He did feel a little better and less angry almost immediately.
"Trevor didn't leave you Noah, Trevor is your teacher, I love you so much and I don't want to hurt your feelings here, but he is in his 30s or maybe even his 40s, he cannot be your friend."
"Why not?" Noah asked, "you're friends with that girl that always calls you when she's sad," he remarked, "you've even met up with her!"
"I don't meet up with her or take her calls because I'm her friend, sweetheart, I meet up with her and talk to her because she was a victim of something very, very tragic and horrific and she doesn't have a Mom or a Dad anymore, she doesn't have siblings or family — she is 13 and alone in the entire world and I need to make sure that she understands that regardless of what's happened — her life holds value and that she should always strive for the best," she explained, "And sometimes she requires services that she doesn't even know are available to her, I'm that person for her."
Noah looked at Olivia sadly. "If Trevor didn't want to be my friend, why would he agree to meet up with me? Why would he help me on my essay or care so much?"
Olivia hated to upset him, she could see that he was trying to figure out in his head how to feel about what she was telling him. "I'm not saying that he doesn't care about you, because he is very kind and good to you Noah, he cares about your education and how your heart is doing and he wants you to be okay and to have an adult that you trust besides me — but if you're going to be invited to hang out at his apartment? No, that's not happening, that is not an invite you're going to get. There has to be boundaries in his job and that's not me talking."
"Is that what he told you? That he's not my friend."
"No, that's what I know, honey," she replied gently.
Noah got up from the picnic table. He started to walk off. Olivia picked up her trash and followed him, letting him walk ahead. She threw her rubbish out and continued on. He turned to her, pausing. "You make every man leave me," he hissed at her, his words stained with vitriol. "Why can't you just stay out of it? Why are you trying to ruin it for me? Making people leave, maybe that's your super power!"
A pang of hurt hit her hard and immediately tears sprang to her eyes. Who knew her son could make a single statement blanket her with the kind of guilt she didn't know she was capable of feeling.
"Oh, sweetheart…" she let her voice trail, her voice cracking. "I don't want to ruin anything for you, I don't want to take anyone's importance away from you—" she swallowed the lump in her throat, "I just don't want you to get hurt later," she finished in a quieter voice as she got closer to him. She went to give him a hug but he shrugged her off.
"I want to go home," he replied, trying his best not to cry too.
/
Noah slammed his bedroom door after letting himself in the apartment and Olivia found herself unable to stop crying. She threw open his door, glaring at her son with frustration. "We don't slam doors in this apartment, you know that."
He felt frustrated with himself for making his Mom cry; he knew his words had been hurtful and he had never meant to let them out of his mouth, but they'd blurted out before he'd had a chance to hold back.
"I'm sorry for what I said," he apologised, "I didn't mean it."
"You know, Noah, I think you did mean it - but I want you to know that I do my best. I do everything I can to keep you happy. There is no one else in my life that I have ever put before you — I have let relationships go because of reasons that you wouldn't understand, but were in your best interests. Maybe there is something wrong with me and maybe that's why both Ed and Elliot left me, I don't know, but all I know is that I tried my best for you even when sometimes it hurt my soul. I have tried to be strong for you, to give you as much love in your life as I could with Sonny and Amanda and Nick and Fin — but I am sorry if that hasn't been good enough."
"Mom no-" Noah felt hot tears sliding down his face.
She held up her hand to silence him and shook her head. "I tried my best," she murmured once more before leaving him, pulling his door closed and walking the short distance down the hall in to her own room. She closed the door and let herself in to her ensuite and shut that door too. She turned the bathroom faucet on so that her son couldn't hear her sobs.
/
Noah didn't know what to do, he knew his Mom was crying, he could hear her. She always thought she was good at hiding it but she wasn't. He could always hear.
He took his phone out and messaged Amanda. Hi Aunt Amanda, sorry to message you and annoy you after practically just leaving but Mom and I had a big fight and I said something really mean and she's so upset. I don't know what to do. I know she's in her room crying, I can hear her and I don't know if I should go in or leave her alone.
He wiped his face with the back of his arm, feeling furious with himself for being so cruel. Everyone always told him how kind-hearted he was, but he knew that he had a dark heart and he didn't know what to do to make the feelings of anger and upset go away.
A few moments later his phone rang. He picked it up. "Hey honey, tell me what happened?"
"I don't want to tell you what I said, it was so mean and stupid and I didn't mean to say it… but… she's never going to forgive me and I just want her to be okay," he choked on his own tears, ranting at his aunt.
"Its okay, I'll come over now, but in the meantime. I want you to go in to Mom's room, knock on her bathroom door and ask her if she's okay. She will probably pretend she's fine but you ask her to come out and you give her a hug, okay? You don't have to say anything."
"What if she won't hug me?," he asked.
Amanda could hear the panic and urgency in Noah's voice. She couldn't imagine what he must have said. "She will, I'll be over in about ten minutes, unlock the door for me, okay?"
"Okay," he agreed in a tiny voice.
"See you soon baby," she hung up the phone and Noah put his own down.
He went to unlock the front door of their apartment and turned to the end of the hall, plucking up the courage to confront his Mom. He felt like it was somewhat an invasion of privacy, letting on that he knew she was crying, but still he did what he was told. He pushed open her bedroom door and took a deep breath. He knocked on the bathroom door.
"Mom, are you okay?"
There was some movement and then the sound of the tap being turned off. He heard Olivia clear her throat, a sniff. Some silence. "Yes," she called out. "I'm fine."
"Mom, please come out…" he requested.
"Noah, I'm in the bathroom, I'll be out soon."
"Mom, please…" he broke in to a sob, "please come out…"
Weakened by her son's concern and tears. She glanced at herself in the mirror and blinked and began to cry all over again. "Noah, I need you to leave me alone."
"I can't…" she could tell that he was either crying or on the verge of tears himself.
"Noah," she took a deep breath, trying to sound composed, "I don't barge in to your room when you don't feel like talking, I give you space. I'm asking you to please do the same."
She held her breath so that she didn't break in to a sob.
There was silence for a moment. "Okay," he replied in a small voice, "I'm sorry."
Her heart ached from his comment but not because she was mad at him, mostly because she was afraid that without realising it, maybe she was pushing men away from his life by simply not being loveable enough - not being worthy of receiving love for longer than a short period of time. A 'until someone better comes along,' situation for most men.
She knew things were drawing to a close with Brian when she realised he didn't want any type of future with her — it was after a pregnancy suspicion that she'd shared with him. He had freaked out and kept telling her it was bad timing. What she wanted didn't seem to matter. When the test was negative, she felt depressed and he was over the moon.
Even moving in with Brian had not been without drama and her pushing. Embarrassing, she thought, if she'd had her chance over, she would have ended things a lot sooner. He had emotionally checked out before they became what she had deemed as serious — only she had been slower to see it.
Cassidy never loved her, not in the unconditional sense— not in the way that she needed.
And Tucker? They wanted different things and she knew despite how much he adored Noah, it wasn't going to work - he didn't love her enough to support her for the rest of her career and so she left him because it was easier to leave someone she loved so much on her own terms than having him break her heart down the track when it was so full of hope for their future.
She sat down on the toilet seat and buried her face in her hands and cried more silently. It wasn't entirely what Noah had said, but probably the inkling of understanding that there was a man that she liked and she had recognised it but also that she was't able to make a move on him because he was her son's teacher — but also, he had his own set of issues.
And what if it didn't work out? She could never do that to Noah again.
She stayed in the bathroom for a short while until she heard her son coming to try again.
"Mom? Please come out now… I don't know what to do…"
She didn't want him to panic, she just wanted a minute to collect herself.
"Give me a second…" she replied to the door. She wiped her face, not even trying to pretend she wasn't crying now. She opened the door and came face to face with her son who was red-faced and a little snotty.
And then the guilt hit over allowing him to get so worked up.
Guilt; it was exhausting and seemingly never ending.
"Its okay," she breathed, "I'm not mad at you," she told him, "you don't have to be upset."
"I know you do your best, I'm so sorry," he told her, "I'm so sorry for saying something so mean and thoughtless. I was just upset about Trevor."
She drew away, taking his baby face in her hands, "Honey, I'm not mad with you, I promise you with all my heart. I know you were upset about what I said… but I didn't mean for you to think that I was saying that you mean nothing to him, or that you aren't allowed to meet with him and play on his team — I was just trying to-" she drew in a deep breath and sighed, "I don't know, maybe what I said was cruel too. I'm sorry for not being able to give you everything you need or want, but you know I'd love to have gi-"
"Stop it, I don't care. I hated sharing you with Elliot anyway," he muttered.
She couldn't help but to smile at that and drew him back in for another hug.
"Mom, I didn't know what to do so I called aunt Amanda…she's coming over."
Olivia was instantly irate but it dissolved quickly. Perhaps airing her feelings out might help her get over the guilt or the hurt his comment left imprinted upon her. "Its okay…" she kissed the top of his head.
"Go wash your face, okay? Let's wait for aunt Amanda and we'll try to start this morning off again."
He reluctantly let go of her and headed down the hall to the other bathroom. Olivia went back in to hers and splashed her face with cool water and patted her skin to dry.
"Fuck this…" she muttered at her reflection, she shook her head, trying to break free of the intensity of her feelings; the guilt, the hurt, the embarrassment…
/
Amanda let herself in, bringing little Levi with her. When she saw Olivia's face she cocked her head to the side and gave her a sympathetic smile. "You okay?"
Olivia wiped a tear that slid down her face and nodded. "Yeah… fine."
Her friend rolled her eyes and smiled; it was the standard Olivia Benson response. "Where's Noah?," she wondered.
"I think he's in his room or the bathroom… you didn't have to come Amanda, we're okay."
"Still," Amanda replied, "I just wanted to check in on you and Noah was really upset."
She hated that her son was upset, but she really wished he didn't involve other people in their business. "Thanks…" she murmured. "But we're fine."
"Olivia, you know you can tell me when something is going on right?"
" Can I, though?," she asked honestly, "because I'm scared of telling you actual issues on account of you deciding you can't watch me make bad moves and decide you don't want to be my friend anymore and if one more person leaves me…" she shook her head, hating that she was probably picking a fight with her friend.
"Okay, so this is clearly something you and I need to talk about — you're still hurt and I understand," Amanda told her coolly, "you think that I abandoned you too."
"You did," Liv retorted.
Noah appeared in the living area and tried his best to play brave in front of his aunt. "Hey Noah," Amanda greeted him. She glanced at her small son who held his arms out to Liv. "Levi, say hello to Noah," she urged him.
Levi grunted and wriggled around until Olivia leaned over and took him, the icy feeling within her suddenly melting away with the gorgeous little boy taking up space in her arms. "Bringing Levi is a dirty trick, Auntie Amanda…" she couldn't help but to murmur with a half laugh.
Thankfully Amanda laughed too.
They both realised a conversation deeper than what they'd skimmed over needed to be had. Amanda did genuinely feel guilt from the way she had stopped talking to her friend, but it had all stirred up her own backlog of issues. She knew that they weren't going to be able to have that conversation, but it wasn't out of line for Olivia to be mad at her now that they had finally buried the hatchet.
"Hello sweet heart," Liv gushed, cuddling the tiny toddler to her chest. She smiled. She'd always had the Midas touch with tiny humans, Amanda thought as she watched her friend — she had always been so good with her girls and nothing was ever too much trouble. Levi rested his head upon her shoulder, wrapping an arm around her neck.
"It's almost nap time," Amanda remarked, "he's been tired and cranky all morning." She put an arm around Noah, "how about you, how are you feeling?"
"Fine," he replied, bluntly, feeling silly for calling her.
"You and your Mom are a cut from the same cloth, huh? 'I'm fine!'," she mocked them both with good nature.
"I shouldn't have called- I'm sorry for interrupting you with Uncle Sonny and the kids," he apologised.
"Oh honey, it's fine, you can call me any time, you were worried about Mom and you were upset with something that happened."
Noah glanced at his Mom. "It's okay, Noah. I don't want you to ever get in to the habit of not asking for help if you think you need it," Olivia told him even though all she wanted was for Amanda to go home.
There was an air of awkwardness. "Did you wanna come and sit down?" Olivia asked at last.
"Nah, we were just checking in," Amanda said with a smile, "but we need to get together soon, Liv, k?"
Olivia nodded and passed Levi back to her. "Yeah, I think we should do that…"
She saw her friend out and Noah excused himself to go back to his bedroom. "Liv, I really mean that about seeing each other without kids, we really need to talk, okay? I think we need to air some feelings…"
"Sorry Amanda, I didn't mean to snap before- It's just been a strange morning and Noah—" she lowered her voice, "he's struggling with trying to be kind and then goes in to these rages over tiny things…"
"I know this sounds like an excuse, Liv, but he's going through a lot of hormone changes…"
Liv nodded. "Well… I'm sorry he called you over, it was unnecessary."
"We don't mind, do we, honey?," she blew a raspberry on Levi's cheek. He shrugged her away, half laughing.
"Yeah, he's tired." Olivia informed her, reaching to tousle the toddler's hair.
"Time to go home and see what kind of a hard time the girl's are giving Daddy, huh?"
Levi nodded and rubbed his eyes.
"Okay, say bye Auntie Liv…" she prompted her son.
"Bye, sweetheart," she kissed the little boy's head and gave Amanda a hug as she left. She stood by the front door for a moment and took a deep breath and blew all the air out. She made her way down the short hall to Noah's room. The door was ajar.
"Hey babe," she greeted him.
"Hi, Mom… I'm sorry."
"Stop apologising, its okay. I'm okay, are you okay?," she asked. She let herself in and sat down on his bed.
"Yeah, I think so," he nodded, "I just feel so bad about what I said. I didn't mean it."
"I think you're angry and I think some of that anger is with me even though you know it's not necessarily fair of you to feel that way. I'm not hurt with what you said, honey, because all of what you said were things I'm sure I've thought myself over time. I do think you need to talk to someone because this anger is not you… you can be mad at me, you can cry and scream and say whatever you need to— nothing is going to push me away."
Noah didn't say a word. "I don't want you to feel angry with me, but if that's how you feel, I can't control that - but I meant it when I said I have tried my best and every decision I've ever made while you've been in my life has been to better your life, not mine."
When Noah didn't respond Olivia stood up. "I'm going to leave you alone, babe, but I really want us to hang out today because it's the first day I've had with my kid all week, so if you feel like it, you can come out and let me know what you want to do. If you want to stay in here and have time to yourself, then I'll respect that too."
"Okay," he whispered. He had a lump in his throat. He was afraid he would start to cry again if he said anything else.
"I love you, Noah." She ran her fingers through his curls as she got up to leave him alone with his feelings.
After she left, he picked up his phone and texted Trevor. I know you're not my friend, you're my teacher and I'm just a job to you, but I don't know that there's anyone else I can talk to… Sorry to text you and I hope it isn't inappropriate. Can we talk tomorrow? Privately? Is that too weird?
He instantly regretted sending the text, feeling embarrassed and silly.
Swift though, was Trevor's response.
Noah, you're not just a job to me. I care about you, I just want to see you happy. If you need to talk you can call me at any time. It's not inappropriate to me. If you want to wait til tomorrow, you can come and see me in my office on your break or come straight to training from class and you can help me set up. Otherwise, if it's more comfortable, you can talk to me through text too. Whatever you need, Noah, I will help you if I can.
He let the hot tears slide down his face as the screen became blurry.
I feel so awful about myself for the way I acted earlier. I was even meaner to Mom after you left. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't want to have this meanness in me. I don't know why I can't seem to stop. I upset Mom so bad. It's calm now, she wants to just hang out with me but I'm so ashamed of how I acted. I guess I'm going to go and try to cheer her up, if its okay I'll text you later.
Noah wiped his face and composed himself — his nose blocked from crying too much. He even hated himself for that — being so weak that he had cried so openly all the time without any ability to not show his emotions.
Trevor replied quickly again, Noah, stop being so hard on yourself. It does sound like you have some things on your chest that you need to talk about. Text me when you're ready. Even good, kind-hearted people reach a breaking point because they have things going on within their soul that they aren't able to cope with on their own - so thank you for reaching out. I'm am here for you and please don't forget that your Mom is too.
Noah left his phone on the charger and went out to the living room. He found Liv on the couch texting. He saw that it was Uncle Nick. She was always talking to him. He had always hoped that something would happen between Nick and his Mom, but now he had married someone else. "Hi Mom," he greeted her.
She locked her phone and put it down. "Hey sweetie, how are you feeling?"
"Okay…" he replied, "Mom do you think we could just have snacks and movies today?," he asked.
"Sure babe, I'd love that."
"And… can we not go to Grandmas tonight?," he asked as if he was scared that she would get mad at him, but it was a relief, Olivia wasn't sure if she was in the right mood to be around a lot of people. "We could just order in?"
"Of course Noah, I don't really feel like going either."
"Because you're upset with what happened?," he pressed, flopping down on the couch beside her.
She shook her head. "No, I'm just tired. I didn't sleep very well last night and sometimes it can be too loud at family dinners."
"Yeah… it's too loud, I think that's what it is. I just don't feel like being around a lot of people. You and I should just hang out."
She opened out her arm to him and let him crawl up against her the way he did only a few short years ago. She handed him the remote. "Find something for us to watch…"
"Thanks Mom. I love you so much. You're the best Mom…"
She chuckled. "I love you too," she leaned over and kissed his temple