JENNIE

Dr. Roswell always writes in a notebook during our sessions. It seems very old-school to me, but then this is England and her office is in a building that was standing when Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence back in Philadelphia. She uses a fountain pen too, which impresses the holy hell out of me.

I watched her very beautiful turquoise and gold fountain pen scratch words into her notebook as she listened to me talk about Lisa. Dr. Roswell is a great listener. In fact, it's pretty much the gist of what she does. I don't know what our sessions would consist of if I didn't tell her stuff she could listen to.

Sitting behind her elegant French desk table, she was the picture of professionalism and genuine interest. I'd guess her to be in her early fifties with beautiful skin and white hair that did not age her one bit. She always wore unique jewelry and bohemian outfits that made her look cultured and approachable. My dad had helped me find her when I'd first moved to London. Dr. Roswell was on my necessities list along with food, clothing and shelter.

"So why do you think you reacted by leaving Lisa in the middle of the night?"

"I was afraid of her seeing me like that."

"But she did." She wrote something in her book. "And from what you've told me, she wanted to comfort you and for you to stay."

"I know, and it scared me. For her to want me to tell her why I have the dreams…" And this was my biggest problem. Dr. Roswell and I've discussed it many, many times. What would anyone think of me once they knew? "She asked me if I wanted to talk about it. I told her no. She's so—so—intense; I know it will be a matter of days probably before she pushes for more."

"A relationship is like that, Jennie. You share and help the other person know about you, even the frightening parts."

"Lisa is not like that though. She's so demanding all the time. She wants…everything from me."

"And how does that make you feel when she demands things or wants you to give her everything?"

"Terrified of what will become of me—Jennie." I took a deep breath and said the words. "But when I'm with her, when she touches me or when we're…intimate…I feel so safe and cherished, like nothing bad will happen to me with her. For whatever reason, I trust her, Dr. Roswell."

"Do you think starting a sexual relationship with Lisa is the reason your nightmares have resurfaced?"

"Yes." My voice came out tremulous and I hated the sound of it.

"Jennie, that's a very normal thing for abuse survivors. The intimate act of sex is vulnerable for a woman by its nature. The female accepts the male inside of her body. She's stronger and typically more dominant. A woman has to have trust in her partner or I imagine there would be miniscule few of us having any sex at all. Add that to your history and you have a very stirring mix brewing inside your subconscious."

"Even when you don't remember it?"

"Your brain remembers, Jennie. The fears of waking up to that betrayal are in there." She wrote another quick note. "Would you like to try a medication for sleep? We could see if that suppresses the night terrors."

"Will it work?" That sure got my attention. The suggestion of something so simple as a pill made me laugh nervously. The idea that I could stay with her all night…or she could stay with me, gave me some hope too. That is if Lisa still wanted to try sleeping with me. I remembered her walking out of my flat last night after the crazy sex-up-against-the-wall and how I'd not liked her leaving. My emotions were so confused. Part of me wanted her and part of me was terrified of her. I really had no idea what would become of us. She made you tell her you were her.

Dr. Roswell smiled at me. "We won't know until we try, my dear. Courage is the first step, and the drug is merely a tool to help you take more steps until you've made it down your path. Solutions don't have to be complicated every time." She reached for her prescription pad.

"Thank you so much—" My phone started vibrating in my purse. I checked it and saw the text from Lisa. "Lisa's here. She's in reception. We agreed for her to collect me at my appointment before she takes me to dinner. She said she wanted to talk about…us."

"It's always good for two people to talk about their relationship. The honesty and trust you give now will make it much easier to sort out your differences later." She handed me the prescription. "I'd love to meet her, Jennie."

"Right now?" Nerves began dancing in my belly.

"Why not? I'll walk you out and meet your Lisa. It helps me immensely to put faces to names when we have our sessions."

"Oh…okay," I said, getting up from her comfy, floral, chintz chair, "but she's not really my Lisa, Dr. Roswell."

"We'll see," she said with a gentle pat on my shoulder.

My breath caught in my throat when I saw her looking at the art on the wall while waiting for me. The way she stood there reminded me of her seeing my portrait at Mino's show and wanting it. Wanting it enough to buy it.

Lisa turned when we walked into reception. Her brown eyes lit up her face and morphed into a softened smile as she came toward me. A burst of relief shot down through my heart. Lisa looked very happy to see me.

"Lisa, this is my therapist, Dr. Roswell. Dr. Roswell, Lisa Manoban, my—"

"Jennie's girlfriend," she interrupted me yet again. Lisa offered her hand to Dr. Roswell and probably gave her a smile that would melt her panties off. As they exchanged pleasantries I got a glimpse of Dr. Roswell reaction to Lisa, and I must admit it was satisfying to see women of all ages being intoxicated by her beauty. And I would remember to use it during a future session too. So, Dr. Roswell, you think Lisa is off-the-charts sexy don't you?

"Girlfriend?" I asked as she walked me out to her car, holding my hand firmly in her.

"Just keeping things positive, baby." She grinned and pulled our entwined hands up to her mouth to lay a kiss on mine before putting me into her Rover.

"I can see that," I told her. "Where are you taking me and why do you look so smiley?"

She leaned over to my side and brought her mouth right up to my lips but didn't touch me. "I am always smiley, as you put it, when I get what I want." She kissed me chastely and pulled back.

"Since when do you not get what you want? You're the most demanding person I have ever met in my life." I tempered the sarcasm with a little smile of my own.

"Careful, baby. You have no idea of the depths of what I want to do with you." Her eyes darkened.

I let that sensual threat float between us and tried to keep my breathing steady. "You scare me a little when you say stuff like that, Lisa."

"I know I do." She pulled my chin toward her mouth with a fingertip and kissed me again. This time she nibbled my bottom lip and teased it. "That's why we're taking it slow. I don't ever want to scare you." Her eyes moved quickly back and forth as she tried to read me, her lips so close but not touching. "Do you realize this is our first time together where I didn't have to coerce you to come out with me? I have some hope, you see?" She gave me one last kiss before she pulled back to put the keys in the ignition. "And that, Miss Kim, must be why I am smiley." Her brown eyes danced now.

"Fair enough, Ms. Manoban, I can live with that." She helped me click my seat belt and drove out of the parking lot. I settled back into the soft leather and breathed in her scent, allowing her to take me off to somewhere, and for the moment trusting that everything would be okay.

--

"Dr. Roswell seems very capable," Lisa said casually as she refilled my wine, "how long have you been her patient?"

I met her eyes and braced myself. Here it comes, now how will you deal with it? I told myself to breathe. "Nearly four years. Since I moved here."

"Did you go to see her today because of what's been happening with me?"

"If you mean going home with a complete stranger and letting her fuck me whenever we meet? Yeah, that's part of it." I took another gulp of wine.

Her jaw ticked but her expression did not change for the next question. "And leaving me in the middle of the night—is that part of it too?"

My head went down and I nodded. It was the best I could do.

"What hurt you, Jennie?" she asked the question so gently I actually considered telling her for a second, but I was nowhere near ready.

I set down my fork and knew my shrimp fettuccini was finished. The topic of my past mixed with food is a definite no-go. "Something bad."

"I can tell. I saw your face when you woke up from your nightmare." She looked at my plate of food now pushed away and back up at me. "I'm sorry about that night. I didn't listen to you." She reached out for my hand and rubbed her thumb over the top of it. "I guess I just want you to know that you can trust me. I hope you know that you can. I want to be with you, Jennie."

"You want a relationship don't you?" I stared down at her thumb rubbing over my knuckles. "You told Dr. Roswell you were my girlfriend."

"I did, yes. And I want you, Jennie. I do want a relationship." Her voice got firmer. "Look at me."

I looked up immediately, her beauty so stark against the sea of white linens on the tables behind her. "Even with the way I am, Lisa?"

"The way you are is perfect to me."

I removed my hand from her grasp. I had to tug a little to get her to let go. So very Lisa of her, wanting her way in all things, but she did allow me to turn her hand palm up and hold it. I traced over her life line and then her heart line and wondered if either of my lines was salvageable.

"I'm not, Lisa. Perfect and me don't belong in the same sentence." I spoke down to her hand.

"The proper phrasing should be perfect and I," she said knowingly. "And I totally disagree with you, my Korean beauty with the sexy twang."

I looked up at her again. "You are so controlling but you do it in a way that makes me feel strangely…safe."

"I know that too. And it makes me fucking wild for you. And that's why you should trust me and let me take care of you. I know what you need, Jennie, and I can give it to you. I just want to know—I have to know that you want it. That you want to be with me."

The waiter arrived at the table. "Are you finished, ma'am?" she asked. Lisa looked annoyed when I told the server to take my plate and ordered a coffee.

"You hardly ate anything tonight." I could tell she wasn't pleased.

"I had enough. I'm not very hungry." I took a sip of wine. "So you want me to be your girlfriend, and give up control to you, and trust that you will not hurt me. Is that really what you want, Lisa?"

"Yes, Jennie, that's exactly what I want."

"But there's so much about me that you don't know. Things I don't know about you."

"When you're ready you'll share with me and I'll be right there to listen. I want to know everything about you and if you want to know about me, you can ask."

"What if I don't want to give up control to you on some things, Lisa, or I am unable to?"

"Then you tell me. We are negotiating and both of us have to respect limits."

"All right."

She tilted her head and spoke softly. "I want to be with you so badly right now. I want to take you home with me, and put you in my bed and have hours and hours with your body wrapped up in mine to do with as I wish. I want to have you there in the morning so when we wake up I can make you come, saying my name. I want to drive you to work and pick you up when it's time to leave. I want to go to the shops with you and buy food we can cook for dinner. I want to watch some crap TV show and have you fall asleep against me on the couch so I can watch you and hear you breathing."

"Oh, Lisa—"

My coffee arrived and I wanted to slap the server for interrupting that beautiful speech. I busied myself with doctoring it with sugar and cream. I took a sip and tried to find my words. To be honest I was caught up in her already. Hook, line and sinker. I wanted all those things with Lisa, I just wasn't sure I would survive her.

"Too much? Am I scaring you off?"

I shook my head. "No. It sounds very nice actually. And you should know it's something I've never had before. I've never had a relationship like that, Lisa."

She grinned. "That works for me, baby. I want to be your first." She raised an eyebrow in a look that dripped of sexual innuendo and made me want to go home with her tonight to start the arrangement. "But I want you to think about it tonight and then tell me what you decide. And you need to know that I am very possessive of what belongs to me."

"Really, Lisa?" The sarcasm rolling out of me. "Never would have guessed that from last night in my flat."

"I could totally spank your gorgeous ass right now for the lip you're giving me." She winked at me. "I can't help it. That's just how I feel about you, Jennie. In my head, you're mine, and that's how it's been since I first met you." She sighed across the table at me. "So I'm going to be restrained this time and take you home to sleep at your flat, and kiss you goodnight at the door, and wait for you to tell me otherwise." She signaled the server for the bill. "You ready to go?"

I giggled at the image that popped into my head.

"Are you laughing at me, Miss Kim? Please do share."

"I am picturing you wanting to spank me, Ms. Manoban, yet playing the restrained gentleman that merely kisses me goodnight at my door."

She groaned and shifted her legs in the chair, no doubt rearranging a furious hard-on I am sure. "You'll have witnessed a miracle tonight if my car actually manages to make it to your street."

--

Lisa kept her word. She did say goodnight at my door. Granted she'd taken a few liberties with her hands and I'd gotten a very good impression of what she sported behind her fly, but she'd left me like she had promised after some very thorough kisses.

I got ready for bed after a hot shower and pulled on my softest sleeping tee. It had Jimi Hendrix on the front, the picture where he is in a garden at a table set for tea; considered the last photograph of him ever taken. I loved stuff like that, and I loved Jimi so it got a lot of use.

Deciding it was time to do a little recon on my girlfriend, I fired up my laptop right in the middle of my bed and Googled the name I'd read on her driver's license when she'd showed it to me: Lisa Pranpriya Manoban.

Not a ton really came up for her. She had a Wikipedia page and some links for Manoban Security's website. Wikipedia was a surprise though. Lisa was known mostly for her celebrity as a poker player for high limit games. She'd won a world tournament in Las Vegas about six years back at the impressive age of only twenty-six. A lot of money. Enough money to start a business. And with her military background in the Special Forces she must have found her niche. So that made her about thirty-two now. I did the math. Almost eight years older than me.

Google Images had some pictures of her, mostly of her big win at poker. I would have to ask my dad if he'd ever heard of Lisa. He loved poker tournaments and still played sometimes.

I kept scrolling through pages of images and stopped whenever I found one of her. There was a picture of her with the Prime Minister and the Queen. Jesus… The Italian PM and the President of France? I felt tingles roll up my back. Was Lisa like a James Bond or something? What the hell kind of security did she do? If these were people she protected then she had a very high profile clientele. I was stunned. I made a note to ask Roseann's dad if he'd heard of Lisa the next time I saw him. He was London police and if anybody was in the know, it was Rob Park.

I'd also not seen a single personal photo of Lisa in a social situation with a woman. And I wondered if she held the power to squelch stuff like that. There was no way she lived a celibate lifestyle, not how she oozed sex. And if she was telling the truth about not bringing them to her home, then where did she take them for sex? Ugh, I didn't want to ponder the idea.

Shutting down my computer, I turned out the light and crawled into bed. I pulled her purple tie out from under my pillow and held it to my nose. The comforting scent of her came to me instantly. I felt even smaller in the scheme of things now. And was left wondering why someone like her had noticed me in the first place. From just my portrait at a gallery show? The idea hardly seemed believable.

I tried to conquer my fears and think about what she'd offered to me tonight. And I remembered how good it felt to be with her and how she made my body burn during sex. I didn't have to worry about anything scary or underhanded with Lisa. She was, if nothing, brutally honest. She was dominating, sure. But I liked that. It took the pressure off of me in a sector of my life where I held little confidence. I wanted her, I just didn't know if she would want me once she knew my whole story.