Chapter 4 - the glow
I take my time getting changed and trying to look presentable. Just as I am about to leave the bathroom Zeke appears.
"You had a hell of a day." He tells me.
I stand as close to him as I can, "I need you." I admit.
"No you don't." He tells me, "you've got this."
"I was so scared." I admit, "it wasn't even my birth and I was terrified. How am I going to do that myself?"
"You'll do it." He says confidently, "focus on what you do have not on what you don't. I wish I could be there for you."
I don't say anything I just study his face. I know this is going to be one of the last times I see him like this. It feels like I am loosing him all over again.
Tears start to fall down Zeke's face, "Michaela," he says, "my everything, I can feel myself slipping away, I don't have much time left."
"You're scaring me." Tears spring to my eyes, he seems to be fighting with someone.
He looks down and then looks up confused, "Who..?" He asks slowly, "Do I know you?"
My heart breaks as he looks at me with no recollection. I don't have time to respond someone loudly knocking on the door pulls me away from him.
I open the door to let them in and walk out. I go to Ben's room.
He jumps up to help me sit down as soon as I arrive. Ben has been very sweet during my pregnancy but he sometimes treats me like I'm too delicate and fragile.
"How was it?" He asks me.
"Surreal." I admit, "i can't believe she did that! I can't believe I'm going to do that! Twice!"
I sit with Ben until the lockdown is called off.
Ben instantly jumps to his feet and turns on the tap. Water runs out.
The next day at dinner I get the three amigas calling again. I get it at least 3 times a week and it's been getting stronger. It is the only calling I have received since being in the detention centre.
As we leave dinner and go back to our rooms for the evening Jared comes up to me, "we need to talk to you." He tells me.
I tell Ben that I'll be back soon and follow Jared. He leads me to the conference room that seems to be where Zimmer and her team try to solve callings. The conference room is on the other side of the centre and is the furthest I've walked in a long time. By the time I get there I am out of breath.
I look between Drea and Jared, "What's up?" I ask them ignoring Zimmer. Her and I don't see eye to eye.
"Listen here, Stone," Zimmer says leaning forward, "You step one foot out of line and I can make your life here hell." Hers eyes drift down to my stomach and then she stands and leaves.
"What's going on guys?" I ask Drea and Jared again, scared now. I don't care if she threatens me but I will not let her do anything to my babies.
"We convinced Zimmer that it would be useful to have a passenger out on the field with us. Solving callings." Jared says proudly.
"And you thought I'd be the right passenger?" I don't know whether to scream at them or hug them. "I'm 8 months pregnant, what use am I in the field? Someone like Ben makes so much more sense."
"Yes, but we've never worked with Ben." Drea points out, "We know we can work with you. It made an easy case for why you should be on our team. If you don't want it, that's fine. But the offer is there."
Jared leans forward, "we are behind on the callings. We can't solve them all and most of them are about the outside world. There is one I think you can help with."
I stare at him, trying to figure out his motives, I can't work him out so I sigh, "what is it?"
"Come here tomorrow morning and I'll show you." Jared offers.
I nod my head and stand up.
"Polly had her baby." I tell Drea, I know she'll be interested.
"She did not!" Drea says walking with me back to my room, "and everything's ok?"
"Everything is ok. She's a bit small but she seems healthy. They should be with Saanvi by now."
Drea grins then pulls me into a hug as best as she can, "I know you're scared but you are going to kick this." She tells me.
I hug her back and then walk to my room. I'm surprised to find there is no evidence of what happened earlier today. I guess the father being on the janitor team has some perks.
As I am lying down I feel my babies move inside me. It is so easy now to know the difference between them. They are so big now.
Just as I am focusing on them kicking I feel a sharp pain shoot across my stomach.
The babies continue to kick and squirm so I ignored it.
Suddenly I'm dragged into the most intense calling I've had. I feel like I'm shaking and all I can see are the three amigas, spinning fast and getting closer together.
I come out of the calling as a stronger pain spreads through me.
Just as quickly as I come out of the calling the glow envelops me. I turn to see Zeke shivering and crouched on the floor. He's covered in ice and he looks scared and alone.
"Zeke!" I go to him ignoring my pain, "I'm here." I tell him, "I'm here."
I crouch down beside him as another pain shoots through me, whatever this pain is its not going away.
"Who are you?" He asks scared.
"Please remember me." I beg him. I can't loose him right now, "Please remember us."
"Did I bring you here?" He looks me up and down his eyes freezing on my pregnant stomach slightly. "God, I'm freezing." He shivered and bent over himself.
"Put your jacket on." I urge him.
"Oh my god," I realise looking around, we are in the cave, Zeke is coming out of the glow and going back to 2018, that's why he can't remember anything. Suddenly, without warning an intense pain spreads from my back and around my front. I bend over in pain.
"Are you alright?" Zeke puts his arm around me and lowers me to the ground, "Why are you here? Shouldn't you be somewhere closer to a hospital?"
I laugh a little bit, "yes I should." I nod as the pain subsides.
"You look so familiar." Zeke says as his teeth shatter.
"I know." I reach up for his face, "You're going back to 2018, we will meet and we are going to fall hopelessly in love and you're going to cook me fancy dinners and you're going to make me laugh and you're going to leave your wet towels on the floor and you're going to make love to me." I look at him, he is looking straight back into my eyes, "and we're going to have two wonderful babies."
"That doesn't make any sense." He replies looking at my very pregnant figure, "you're already.."
"I know." I say, "i know I am." Before anything else can happen I'm gripped by another pain.
"Are you having that baby now?" Zeke asks me panicked.
"Babies, Zeke. We are having twins." The pain continues, "and I think we might be."
"We?" Zeke asks but when I scream out in pain again he brushes the hair out of my face, "what do you want me to do?" He asks.
"Just be here. Stay until this is done." I beg him, grabbing onto his hand. I can't believe that Zeke is going to be at the birth. Even a Zeke who doesn't remember who I am is more than I hoped for.
The cave begins to shake around us but Zeke squares his jaw and says, "I'm here. I'm right here." And the shaking stops. I'm amazed at how easily Zeke is willing to be here for me when he doesn't even know me yet.
I relax against him, content to lean against him for support.
My labour progresses a lot faster than Polly's did. I hoped that giving birth in the glow might make the experience less painful. However giving birth in a freezing cold cave cancels out any comfort the glow provides. The comfort from having Zeke there provides me with the confidence I need to keep going.
Zeke catches our babies as they come out and places them on my chest one by one. He holds my hand as I push and he tells me that I am doing an amazing job. He forgets about his own pain to focus on me, a woman he doesn't remember giving birth to babies he doesn't know are his.
Zeke takes off his jumper and wraps it protectively around the babies against my chest securing them snugly against me.
Once the birth has happened and the excitement has worn off the cave starts to shake again.
"I want more time." I cry at Zeke, "I need more time. I don't want you to go. I don't want you to leave us."
Zeke stands and looks around, "Lets go together." He suggests.
"I can't." I shake my head, "It has to be like this for us to have what we had. For us to have them." I look at the babies on my chest, "you're going back to the beginning of our story."
The cave continues to shake, "Zeke, listen," I say with urgency, "you have to find the cabin, its down in the mountain. I will be there. I will be waiting for you. I won't know who you are but you have to do this for us." I can feel the tears but fight them back, "please go, go find the cabin."
"I don't understand." Zeke croaks out looking around confused.
I panic and try to think of how he found us last time, "look in your pocket." I realise what happened now, he takes out a photo of me, "repeat after me," I tell him, "find her. Find her. Say it with me, find her."
"Find her. Find her." Zeke repeats, his voice getting weaker.
The cave shakes and the glow rises, Zeke turns away from me and walks out of the cave muttering, "find her."
Suddenly I'm back in my room with my babies against my chest wrapped in Zeke's jumper.
I start to cry. I lift the jumper up to my face. It smells like Zeke. That happened. I'm a mother. I look down at the two babies in my arms. They are equally small and almost identical except one has a tuft of dark black hair and the other has a small amount of blond hair so light you can barely see it.
"Hi babies." I speak softly to them, "that was your daddy."
I lie like this for a while, taking it all in.
After a while I start to listen for any noises around me. The compound is silent. It must be the middle of the night by now.
Slowly and painfully I rise to my feet. I stumble my way out of my room and into Ben's room.
"Ben!" I shout out his name to wake him up.
Ben wakes with a start. He turns to face me and then taking the sight in before him jumps to his feet.
"Michaela!" He says rushing to me, "Are those..?" He doesn't finish his question as he stares at my babies.
"My babies." I finish for him, "I gave birth."
"Why didn't you get me?" He asks, "How didn't I hear you? Are you ok? Are they ok?"
"I gave birth in the glow, I think." I tell him, "Zeke was with me."
"Zeke?" Ben asks confused.
I nod and stumble over to sit on his bed. I'm still in a lot of pain.
"Are you ok? Are they ok?"
"I think so. Could you get Saanvi to check them over. They were crying when they were born but that's all I know to look out for." I admit.
"Of course." Ben kisses me on my forehead and then rushes from the room.
I gently set both babies on the bed. It is only when I set them down that I see which one is a boy and which one is a girl. My daughter has the thick dark raven hair and my son has the blond wispy hair.
Ben returned with Saanvi. She started asking me questions about my health and how the birth went.
"I'm fine Saanvi," I said eventually, "can you look at the babies?" All I cared about was making sure they were safe and healthy.
"Of course." She picks up my son first, "He's beautiful." Saanvi tells me, "What's his name?" She asks. I had refused to tell anyone their names until they were born.
"James Benjamin Landon." I smile, "James for his father and well." I look at Ben, "Benjamin for his uncle."
"Thank you." He nods at me.
Saanvi looks over James and then hands him to me, "he seems healthy. I'll bring them both in to the labs in the morning to run some routine tests but I don't think we'll have anything to worry about."
"And this little lady." Saanvi picks up Eve now,, once she hits the cold air outside of Zeke's jumper she starts to cry, "She looks just like Zeke! What's her name?" Saanvi asks as she begins to look her over.
I shake my head, "She looks like Zeke's sister." I say, "I saw a baby picture of Chloe once and you could be looking at that now. Her name is Eve Priscilla Landon. Eve for Evie and Priscilla for Zeke's mum."
Saanvi checks her over, "She seems just as healthy as her brother." Saanvi goes to give her back to me.
I hesitate, not sure what to do with James. Ben comes over, "give him to me. Let me introduce little Ben to Uncle Ben." He takes James from me allowing me to take Eve into my arms.
I smile appreciatively at him, "Its James, not little Ben." I tell him.
"How is James for Zeke?" Saanvi asks me, "its a lovely name." She adds quickly.
"Ezekiel James Landon." I say Zeke's full name.
Ben helps me carry the babies back to my room. Over the past few months Olive has been smuggling in baby clothes and supplies. Ben helps me dress them and leaves me so I can feed them.
I feed Eve first because she is the most upset, "It's ok baby. Mummy has you. I'm going to keep you safe." I tell her and her brother. I look between them both, I'm overwhelmed with so many emotions. I can't believe I have TWO babies that rely on me fully to take care of them. I can't believe how I love them so completely. Suddenly keeping them safe and happy is the only thing important to me.
Before Eve finishes feeding James starts to scream. I panic. I don't know how to do any of this, I realise. I give him my hand. He instantly wraps his whole hand around my finger. This doesn't calm him down.
Soon Eve unlatches. I burb her before placing her down on my bed. I then take James into my arms and try to feed him.
It takes him longer than Eve to latch on. Just as I'm beginning to panic that he won't latch he starts to eat. Relief floods me, we don't exactly have formula here. Keeping them alive is 100% my responsibility.
I spend the rest of the night trying to keep them both happy. By the morning I've gotten no sleep. I lie down in my bed once I double check they are both sleeping. The rest of our group just left for breakfast, Ben promised he would bring some back for me.
I feel like I've only just drifted to sleep when I'm woken up again.
I look over to the babies sleeping in their cot. They are both still fast asleep.
I'm confused why I woke up when I hear Jared clear his throat.
I jump out of my skin, "Geez Jared," I say, "you scared me."
"I came to find you at breakfast, Ben told me." He nodded towards the cot and sat down next to me on my bed.
I nod. Not sure what to say.
"I guess our field trip is off." He tries to joke.
I laugh a little, I forgot I was suppose to be going out with Jared today for something calling related. That feels so far away now.
"Do you want to meet them?" I ask him, standing up and walking over to the cot.
"I'd love to." He smiles broadly. Jared has always loved babies.
I lift Eve first, "This is Eve Priscilla Landon." I say proudly and hand her to Jared.
"Eve." He repeats, "She would have loved that so much." He's talking about Evie. She would have loved it. I'm too emotional and tired to talk about Evie right now so I just nod.
Eventually Jared hands Eve back to me. I kiss her lightly on the forehead before setting her back down next to her brother. I then lift James. He has proven to be the lighter sleeper of the two so I lift him slowly, glad he doesn't wake up and start screaming.
I pass him gently to Jared, "and this little guy is James Benjamin Landon."
"I see you in him. So much." He looks between me and James. James has more of me but I think he looks like his father.
"How does Ben feel about having a name sake?" Jared asks.
I laugh, "He keeps trying to call him 'little Ben'."
"You're not going for it?" Jared jokes with me.
"I regret it more and more." I joke. I don't regret it of course. Ben has already proved to be an amazing uncle and has done so much for me and the passengers these last few years.
Suddenly James wakes up and from the cry he gives isn't very happy to be in a strange mans arms.
I automatically take him from Jared and try to calm him down. He calms down significantly once he is settled against.
"Its ok Jamie," Jared said, "your mummy is just there."
I scrunch my face at Jared in disgust as I start to change his nappy.
"Not Jamie either." He nods, "got it." He sits down and waits for me to finish. I can tell he wants to talk to me.
James calms down after I change him. He starts to fall back asleep. I keep him in my arms. For my comfort as much as for his.
I sit back down and wait for Jared to talk. I don't have the energy to ask him what is wrong.
He puts his hand on my knee before he speaks, "they're perfect Michaela," he says.
"I know." I'm scared for what he's going to say next.
"You need someone." He starts speaking fast, "You need someone to be with you. To love you. To love those babies and treat them as their own."
"Jay.." I say but I'm cut off, I want him to stop speaking.
"I can be that someone. I know you're still in love with Zeke. But he can't love you back. I can."
I stand up, careful not to jostle James, "Zeke's dead." I spit at him.
"He can't be here for you. Your children need a father who can be there for them."
Anger fills me up. I know Zeke would do anything to be here with me now. He was so upset and apologetic that he couldn't be with me through pregnancy. That he wouldn't see his children grow up. "You're right." I say quickly with anger, "I am still in love with Zeke. My children have a dad. They'll grow up to know who their dad is. To love him." I turn away from Jared and take a deep breath, "look," I say calmer, "I know you mean well but Zeke is the love of my life. I haven't even lost him a year. I've just given birth. Why do you think that was an ok thing to say?"
Jared flinches, he stands up too, "I'm sorry Mick," he pulls me into a hug, "I'm so sorry. I just want to be there for you. To be there for your children."
I pull away from him, "Just leave us alone." I tell him. It breaks my heart to tell him this but I can't deal with him now. I have bigger things to worry about.