Trigger warning - miscarriage/stillbirth - if this will distress you, please skip this chapter.

This is a flashback chapter, but as the entire chapter is flashback no italics are used. Takes place season 13 episode 1. Just pretend the last bit of dialogue in the episode between Greg/Nick/Sara didn't happen.

I hope this wasn't too much for this story.

4 months earlier

All hell had broken loose when McKeen resurfaced. Sara had been looking forward to a peaceful weekend after the hell of dealing with McKeen, but when her phone first rang she knew it was not going to happen. First Ecklie had been shot, then Katie kidnapped from DB's home. Finn knew that she, too, was in trouble but decided to play along in hopes of getting more information. Nick had quit and was nowhere to be found, and Sara realised that she and Greg were the only two still standing who weren't severely compromised.

She had rushed to be help process the scene where Ecklie had been shot. The aching in her gut had been dismissed as a stress reaction.

It was when she was picked up the LVPD flashlight that she felt the first stab of pain in her abdomen. She paused, took a breath, and told herself that she was fine. It was just stress causing Braxton Hicks contractions. Stress was something that she had an over abundance of right now. So she took the flashlight to DB to warn him that whoever took Katie was likely an officer. She tried to bite back the pain and was successful enough that he didn't notice. She would continue to process the scene and tried to tune out everything else. DB was counting on her and she could not let him down. Once they found Katie, she would slow down and take a break.

Between trying to find Nick, and trying to process the evidence to find Katie, her hands were full. She was also frequently on the phone with Brass and Greg, and trying to manage everyone at the lab. Until Nick was located, she was the most senior person available to run things.

When she got the call that Nick had been found, drunk, and brought in she felt a wave of relief - and then promptly emptied her stomach into a vomit bag she kept in the car the second she hung up the phone. Great, the vomiting was back. Stopped at a red light, she rummaged through her bag to find some of her meds and quickly swallowed one dry before the light turned green. She needed to get Nick bailed out and sobered up as quickly as possible. She needed his help, now.

Her rage is barely contained when she throws his phone to him. When he resists helping, she nearly tells him her secret in an effort to get him to comply - but she doesn't want to distract from their cases. He's definitely not sober, he's bruised, and he's pissed but she doesn't care. He needs to get his ass back to work because she sure as hell isn't in any shape to do this herself, not when there are still lives in the balance.

As they work, Sara continues to ignore the occasional cramp or stab of pain. She does find herself rushing to the toilet to vomit several more times throughout the night and decides she needs to stay in the lab as much as possible. Fortunately, she is able to do just that and help identify the place that Katie is most likely being held. Once she has relayed the information, another stab of pain overwhelms her and she knows that she needs to get to the hospital as soon as this hell is over.

The relief when Katie is found is short lived for Sara. When she knows she can finally take a moment to rest, she runs to the washroom to lock herself in a cubicle and cry. Instead, she finds herself nearly doubled over in pain and then notices a trace of blood running down her leg. Her insides suddenly feel like they've turned to ice. While there's still work to do, she knows she can't be the one to do it and she messages Greg asking him to take over. Fortunately he doesn't ask questions. She tells him to keep her updated, and send Nick home. They can deal with him another day. For now, she needs to get to the hospital so she's pulling out of the parking lot moments later and on the phone with her obstetrician.

In her heart, she knew the moment she saw blood that she was losing her baby. Maybe, deep down, she knew it the moment the first stab of pain hit her. But within minutes of arriving at the hospital, she's whisked to a private room to meet her obstetrician who already has the ultrasound machine set up. A few minutes later, the doctor's face confirms Sara's fears.

"I'm so sorry, Sara. There's no heartbeat." the doctor tells her quietly. "Do you want me to call your husband?"

"No. He's not... he won't be in an area with phone service until next week." Sara tells her numbly. The obstetrician suggests she should have a friend or family or someone with her, but Sara just shakes her head. There was no one to call. Her friends had had enough heartache today and she wouldn't inflict more on them. This was her private burden to bear.

A kind midwife stays with Sara for the next 24 hours, never leaving her side. She holds Sara's hair back when Sara vomits, and holds her hand as she cries. She makes sure that Sara drinks enough to stay hydrated but doesn't try to push her to eat. Less than 10 hours after arriving at the hospital, Sara is holding her tiny, perfectly still, baby girl. The midwife carefully wraps her in a white satin blanket edged in soft delicate lace. Somehow, they had found one that had a tiny bee embroidered on one corner. A bonnet not much bigger than Sara's thumb is placed on her baby's head. She spends the next hours in a haze, trying to memorise every detail she can. At some point, another woman comes in with a camera and asks Sara if she would like photos of her baby. Initially Sara wants to scream at her to leave, but the photographer has done this before and her gentle demeanour changes Sara's mind. Handprints and footprints are carefully taken, two copies of each.

The obstetrician visits every hour or two, and a grief counselor is brought in to talk with Sara and explain what happens next.

The next day, Sara decides it's time to leave. She kisses her tiny baby one last time before she is taken to be cremated. Instead of leaving with her baby girl, Sara goes home with a stack of paperwork and pamphlets, and a tiny shoebox covered in butterflies containing every memory she would ever have of her daughter.