"What a lovely afternoon for a ride," Lisa commented as they crossed the meadow. The snow was mostly gone, patches here and there, and while it was chilly, both she and Jack were bundled up for the afternoon ride.
"Sorry we didn't get to go the other day when we got stuck in town with the doc and then running some errands. I know you wanted to get out for a ride, and I hope this is okay today."
"More than okay," she said, giving him a small smile as they approached the clearing. "It's a really nice start to our weekend, this Friday afternoon ride. Fairfield business is caught up, looking forward to Calgary this weekend, and," she patted at Cinders, "always glad to get Cinders out for a ride too."
"That's a good-looking horse for sure," Jack nodded to Lisa. "I'm glad you kept him-and me," he added with a wink. That earned a big smile from Lisa that she turned into a chuckle. Jack continued, "First time I laid eyes on him with Amy working on him, something told me he was yours, and I didn't even know that then, with you trying to sell him and all. He's not your average ranch horse."
"No, he's not," she said, her smile widening. "I won't comment on what I spent on him, but he's turned into quite the riding horse for me. Never would have thought that."
Jack gave a shake of his head, "Well, a lot that has happened over the last several months, I never would have expected, but most of all, I'm really glad I'm right here with you." He tipped his hat at Lisa, and the two continued to ride across the meadow.
"Funny how things flow and work out," she said as they continued riding. "So often we both seemed so busy for just simple things like this. I just enjoy spending time with you."
"And I with you," Jack said, stopping Paint and waiting for Lisa to ride up. He leaned over and gave her a kiss, the two then looking across the meadow. "I like doing plenty of that too, kissing you," he said with a wink.
"I'm not complaining," Lisa smiled at him and then gestured to Cinders.
"You're sure it's okay if I leave Cinders at Heartland through the weekend? I know you said it was okay when I brought him over here, but I can take him back to Fairfield."
"It's more than fine, Lise," he told her. "You can leave him anytime, but I just thought that we could ride again next week. Seems silly to shuffle him back and forth so much. Amy and Georgie won't mind. She doesn't have any client horses at the moment since it's still been pretty cold until now, and they both grew pretty fond of him while working with him. I know Georgie will be happy to exercise him this weekend while we are out of town if you want."
She nodded in agreement, "That would be really nice, and I will accept the offer to keep him here for the weekend." She winked at Jack as she said, "I suppose I'll get a bill for stable and feed."
Jack chuckled and nodded, "I have it in with the owner and can probably get those charges waived, if he can be persuaded," he winked. "Course, I could always run a billing ledger taking it off the huge total I'm sure I owe you from over the years with all the expensive gifts for the girls."
Lisa narrowed her gaze and shook her head, trying to act casual, "I have no idea what you are talking about."
"Sure," he chuckled. "Just off the top of my head, things like oh, that end of school formal dress for Amy that just showed up long ago-"
"You knew I bought that? You never said, and I distinctly remember you even asking about that, about where it had come from, when we were looking at the pictures Lou took of Amy and Ty."
Jack rolled his eyes, "I wasn't born yesterday, Lisa. Of course, I knew you'd bought the dress. It was kinda fun to see you squirm about it. Nothing that nice or fancy had been in that house before, and Amy, while she is the absolute best with horses, doesn't have a flair for fashion like someone I know." He shifted his gaze to her, and she covered her mouth, laughing and nodding.
"You have to admit, as long ago as that was, she looked beautiful in that dress, and it was a gift."
"You love to give gifts-I know that and have been on the receiving end of many. Let's also not forget Lou's dream wedding dress and those bridesmaid dresses just magically showing up at the last minute."
Lisa pointed at him, "Okay, you did know about those. I told you I was working on that at the time, and you even gave me your blessing to try and help out Lou in her crisis. That was no big deal."
Jack dropped his head, shaking it as he chuckled, "You being so modest, no big deal," he muttered. He met her gaze, "The hoops you had to jump through to get Lou's dress to her, making all those calls to friends who called friends, and I mean, Lise, you had the designer on the phone. That's not just a 'no big deal' situation," he laughed again. "And, then again, you refused to tell me how much that cost."
"It was a gift," she said with a small shrug and grinning at Jack.
Jack rolled his eyes at her and gestured, "Okay, so tell me now," he met her gaze, "what did that cost you, to get the wedding dress, two bridesmaid dresses made that quickly and shipped? I've always wanted to know."
She made a face at him, not wanting to tell him, and she shook her head, "It wasn't a big deal. She needed her dress. She was so miserable with every part of that wedding falling apart, and we both know she was missing her mom."
He nodded, "You more than stepped up for her. I'm serious-what did you pay?"
She sighed, "I don't know why this is important now. It was just over $10,000."
Jack's eyes bulged, and he shook his head at her, "That much?"
She pointed at him, "See, I told you that you didn't want to know, just as I'm not about to tell you what I paid for Cinders here, but it was more than those dresses. Yes, dresses like that, made from the designer, on a tight schedule, and then shipped up here are costly-quite frankly, it wasn't as much as I expected. It was what it was. Weddings aren't cheap," she shook her head from side to side, "well, unless it's ours, which was perfect for us in every way. Lou had that dress set in her mind, and it wasn't her fault she and Peter had to change the wedding to move overseas, so I did what anyone would do. You know wedding dresses are expensive, especially one made on a rush order and all. You'd paid for that first one she bought, and luckily, we were able to resell that and recoup most of that money. Jack, you know I'd do anything for all of you. I just did what anyone would do."
"No," he gave her a small smile, "most would just wear something else, like she planned to do. You did what no one else would do, and that's all the more reason I love you, even if you spoil those girls more than you should."
She just nodded at him, "I'd do it again, anytime. She was beautiful at that wedding, and," Lisa shook her head, chuckling, "I remember trying not to interfere with things, and she thought I was mad at her because we'd decided not to get married." Lisa continued to shake her head and then pointed at Jack, "Just remember, Amy's wedding is next, and this time, I am family, not that it changes anything I would do for the girls, but it will be very hard for you to argue about anything related to her wedding."
"I don't even want to know," he waved and chuckled. The horses climbed the hill as the two talked, and Lisa gestured ahead.
"Now, I've come clean about some of the everyday purchases for the girls," and that had Jack start laughing at her, "so," she nodded ahead, "with those flowers in your saddle bag-I haven't asked yet-and us riding now toward the family cemetery, how about you tell me the reason we're riding here today, not that I mind at all."
The horses reached the cemetery fencing, and Jack dismounted Paint and helped Lisa dismount Cinders. He tied both horses there and turned back to Lisa who was patiently waiting for an explanation.
He gestured, "It's June's birthday today. I wanted to bring her some flowers."
"Oh, Jack," Lisa said, a sympathetic smile on her face as she reached to clasp his hand in hers. He pulled the flowers from his saddle bag and dropped his head, walking hand in hand with Lisa around to the entrance. Nothing more was said until they'd reached her gravestone, and Lisa just squeezed Jack's hand while he stood there looking at it, the flowers still in his hand.
Lisa finally broke the silence, looking up at Jack and seeing a lost look on his face. She squeezed his hand as she spoke, "I'd love to hear a story about you and June. I know you don't talk about her much and have told me more than you said the rest of the family even knows about her, but if you are willing to share, I'd love to listen."
He finally looked down at her, his eyes glazed over, and she could see tears welled up there. This was the Jack rarely anyone saw, and she was glad she saw this side of him. He was constantly trying to put up the brave front, to be the rock of the familiy, but Lisa knew that he had hurts just as anyone else did, honestly, more than he should. She encouraged him again, dropping his hand and instead moving to his side and wrapping her arm around his waist as they continued to stand there. It seemed to be the right move, as Jack, pulled her tightly at his side.
"I can remember one Christmas, one when my mom was still alive," he started to speak. Lisa glanced up when his voice wavered, but he shook his head and seemed to regain his composure, and she didn't speak but let him continue. "I got new cowboy boots for Christmas. Boy, those were exactly what I wanted, my big gift." Lisa smiled as he spoke, and Jack continued, "June was so mad that she didn't get a pair too. She was probably eight or nine, not that old, but my parents didn't have a lot of money and were very practical. I needed new boots. Mine had grown too small. June didn't right then, so she didn't get new boots." Jack let a chuckle escape, "She got a drawing set instead, and while she loved to draw, she really wanted new boots like I got. I remember I didn't want her mad at me for a gift I'd been given, so I let her wear those boots the rest of the day." Lisa laughed, nodding at his story, and Jack pulled her tighter to his side, letting a half sob, half laugh escape himself. "Those boots," he shook his head. "She even wore them to bed. Oh, they were way too big for her, but she didn't care. I had to go pull them off her feet first thing the next morning just so I could go out and do the chores at the barn."
Jack dropped off and grew quiet. Lisa glanced up at him and when she met his gaze, she smiled softly, "What did June say to that, the next morning, I mean?"
Jack shook his head, "Nothing, nothing at all. It was almost like an understood code she and I had. She'd had her day with the boots, but they were mine, not because I wanted them, but because I needed them for basic chores and all. That was all that was said about those boots, but I would think of her every single time I took them off or put them on, just that image of her sleeping in her bed in my boots. Still takes me back, every now and then, when I'm putting on my boots, that even all these years later, I can still see her in that bed with the boots."
Lisa smiled at his memory, and she nodded, "Which room was hers?'
"Ahh, I had Amy's room, and June had Lou's room. The nursery at the back was a sitting room where my mom had her sewing machine going all the time, and my dad would tie his flies there. It's better now as a bedroom." Lisa nodded, knowing many stories Jack had told her about his dad.
"Thank you for telling me that story," Lisa smiled up at him. "That's a lovely memory. I know the girls would probably enjoy it too if you ever want to talk to them about June. You know they don't ask but are curious. They've asked me, but I've never shared anything you've told me about her."
Jack slowly nodded and let out a long sigh, glancing down at Lisa, "I just can't talk about June with them. I need to be strong, and I'm not strong when I'm thinking about or talking about June. They don't need to see that."
"You don't always have to be strong, Jack. I have told you that before. We both struggle with that thought, both feeling like we need to stand alone and be strong, and we both need to get better at sharing the burden with each other."
Lisa squeezed his hand again, turning her attention back to the grave, as Jack was doing. He finally broke their grasp to lean down and put the flowers there at her grave. When he stood, he reached for her hand again, and he nodded, Lisa noting probably an internal debate going on there, and finally, Jack glanced at her and spoke again.
"You know," he sighed, "long ago you once asked me why I don't like to travel."
Lisa pursed her lips and narrowed her gaze as she glanced up at him, curious about this change in topic, "I remember. It was when I suggested I would take you to France with me the next time I went, and you told me there was nowhere as nice as Heartland you wanted to see."
He nodded, squeezing her hand, "I believe I added that having you there with me on that bench in that moment made it the perfect place." She remained quiet but smiled at that memory, nodding in agreement. "That was partially true, I mean, the part about you was true, but the part about travel wasn't completely. You see," he sighed, dropping his head. He was quiet, gathering his thoughts, Lisa could tell, and finally, he looked to her, holding back tears again, "I was away when June died. I've told you that. I was at a rodeo in Tennessee, loving my life, loving the travel, loving the experience. It was all I wanted. I didn't want to be tied down with a ranch, with a drunk for a father just making me dread each and every day with him. No, I loved being on the road, being free, but I knew that I'd left June there at home, with him, with our father who made life miserable for everyone. Back then, my life was mine, and the travel was exactly what I wanted. June even said to me that she saw me come alive with rodeos and the travel. She knew it was what I wanted for my life. I've told you I never imagined coming home, running Heartland. That was June's dream. I planned to rodeo, see the world and settle wherever felt like home. Lise, the biggest reason I hate travel is that I feel guilty for it. Being gone, traveling, is what got June killed, and I've never forgiven myself for that, for being gone. If I'd been home, I'd have been the one in the field that day, and June wouldn't have been killed. That's on me. My selfish reasons, to travel and rodeo, are the reason my sister isn't here. I don't want to travel because I'd never live with myself if something ever happened at home, and I wasn't there."
"Oh, Honey," Lisa turned and pulled Jack into an embrace. She felt him almost collapse against her, and she gripped him tightly while he let his emotions go. She just continued to hold him, finally, resting her hand on the back of his neck, just below his hat.
"Jack, you are not responsible for June's death. You cannot continue to carry this tremendous burden. You and I both know there are no guarantees in life. You cannot put her death on you. It was an accident, just as Marion's death was an accident. You aren't carrying that burden around, trying to convince yourself if you'd talked her out of going to get that horse that night, she would still be here. Jack, that wasn't your fault. You know that, just as this isn't either. I am so very sorry you have been carrying this around for so long."
"I didn't protect her," he whispered to Lisa as he was trying to regain his composure. "Dad wasn't able to being a drunk all the time, and I failed to protect her. I was selfish and should have taken care of her. All I've ever done since I've been back at Heartland is protect those I love with everything I have. I didn't protect June. I should have done more to take care of her. I was selfish."
Lisa pulled back to look him in the eye, "No, you were not. You are the least selfish person I know, Jack. You cannot punish yourself for going off to do what you wanted to do with your life. There are no guarantees things would have been okay at home if you'd stayed. You've told me your dad got angry and was sometimes abusive with you when he was drunk. Jack," she shook her head, "he could have really hurt you or worse if you'd stayed. You did what you had to do, what you wanted to do, just as June was living the life she wanted. You've told me she wanted to take over Heartland; she wanted the ranch. You did not cause her death."
He dropped his head and shook it, "I'm not sure I'll ever be able to accept that." Lisa still there, with her arms around Jack in a loose embrace, watched as he struggled to put his broken state back together. He finally took a deep breath and looked up, up over her head to the horizon. He let out another breath and stepped back from her, clasping her hand as he did, both turning back to look at June's grave.
"Your sister sounds like she was a wonderful person, very loving of you," Lisa finally told Jack, squeezing his hand as she gripped his arm with her other hand.
He nodded, a small, almost hidden smile forming on his face as he considered that, the first smile he'd had since confiding in Lisa. He glanced at her, "She'd have really liked you. She was feisty like you, not afraid to stand up to my dad, and that reminds me of you. You hold your ground just like she would. The two of you together would have been a force to be reckoned with."
Lisa smiled warmly at that description, nodding at him, "I missed out on meeting some truly great people in your family. I'd love just a chance to tell each and every one of them what a wonderful man you are. I hope you know that, and as unlikely as it is for the two of us to be standing here together, I'm very grateful we found one another and we are here, talking like this, sharing our lives. Thank you for talking to me. I know it's not easy, but it makes me love you even more, hearing you talk so lovingly about June today, about all of your family you've lost."
He pulled her to his side, wrapping his arm around her and glancing down to meet her eyes, "I told you early on when we started seeing each other all those years ago that there was something about you that was just really easy to talk to you. I should be thanking you for listening, for not prodding me all the time about my memories, for keeping what I share between us, and respecting that there are things I can tell you and just can't share with the girls."
Lisa nodded as she listened to Jack, finally gesturing at June's grave, "We can do this every year, I mean, ride up here. I think that would be something special to do, Marion's grave too," she gestured over at it. "We've done that before. I'm going to mark down June's birthday so I remember this day, and next year," she looked up and nodded, "you and me-it's a date to ride out here and bring flowers."
"I'd like that very much," he said quietly.
"Now," she reached for and squeezed his hand, "I had no idea our ride would take a turn like this, and while I don't have flowers in my saddle bag, I did pack a blanket and Thermos of coffee. If you feel up to it, maybe we could sit over there, under the trees," she gestured, "have some coffee, and if you are up to it, I'd love to hear more about you and June. Did she ever wear your cowboy boots around after that Christmas?"
Jack dropped his head again, shaking it, with a small smile. He glanced up at her, "I told my mom I wanted to get June some boots for her birthday that year, so I saved up for it. I didn't have nearly enough, but my mom helped me buy her a pair of boots. Those boots were in the back of her closet even after she died, however many sizes too small. She knew I had scraped together everything I could to get her those boots. Man, I loved her. So much love in her. I sometimes think June is just shaking her head with me in a household of women, figuring they all have me wrapped around their fingers like she did."
Lisa grinned, nudging him with her hip, "Well, she wouldn't be wrong. I never have to worry my cowboy will do anything I need. I'll go get that coffee ready and give you a moment here with June, unless that's not what you want."
He looked to her grave and to Lisa, gesturing at Lisa, "No, I'm good to go with you. We've paid our respects. June would kick my tail and tell me to not let a beautiful woman walk away alone. I'm sorry I didn't tell you that I wanted to ride here today-"
"Jack," she put her hand on his chest, "don't you dare apologize. Today was perfect, just the ride we needed. Let's get that coffee. She'd be so proud of you for everything you'd done here at Heartland. I bet she's smiling seeing you ride home into that sunset."
The two started walking, and Jack gestured at the Heartland emblem there at the cemetery, "The logo for Heartland," he nodded, gesturing up and adding, "here and at the entrance to the ranch-"
"Yes?"
"I found it in June's notebook. It's her drawing."
Lisa, now holding back her own tears, smiled warmly at Jack, "she lives on through that, Jack. That's so touching. Do the girls even know that?"
"No, never even told Marion. Lyndy knew about the emblem, but it was still too fresh to share much of anything with her about June. You are the first to hear most of this."
"I'm honored," she gripped his arm as they approached the horses. "Tell me," she grinned at him, hoping to lighten the mood, "Did you and June ever race your horses across this meadow?"
Jack glanced out and with a slow nod, he chuckled, "Maybe a time or two."
"She ever beat you?" Lisa raised an eyebrow, glancing at him, and he chuckled but shook his head.
"So," Lisa pursed her lips and nodded, "she'd enjoy seeing me do that after our coffee?"
Jack continued to shake his head as he laughed, and he finally responded, "Oh, she would enjoy watching you try."
"Mmm," she nodded, thinking, "well, Cowboy, you said I have quite the horse, so after our coffee, let's just see what happens. I mean, I do own race horses for a living. I think June is smiling down, realizing her brother has met his match."
Jack pulled her tightly to his side, a wide smile now on his face, "No doubt about that."