*Harry's still standing in stunned silence as someone knocks on the door*
Moody: *kicking the door in as he leads a group inside* Alright, we're here. Ready to go Harry? *Harry's still in stunned silence* Excellent.
Remus: Kind of a cosy place, is it?
Hagrid: Could use with a bit o' height fer us tall uns.
Tonks: Hagrid, you know most people aren't 11 and a half feet tall, especially muggles.
Mundungus: Hey, do you think the muggles will miss this?
Bill: Mundungus, we're here to get Harry to safety, not rob the place.
Mundungus: Yeah, but I'm not getting paid for this gig, am I? I have to make up for a night of lost profits.
Arthur: I advise taking this stuff *hands Mundungus all the cutlery* They call it silverware, so with a name like that it must be valuable.
Kingsley: Can we hurry this up? I'm supposed to be guarding the muggle prime minister. And let me tell you, Mr. Blair is very nervous about the fact that he's come into office during the middle of a wizarding war.
Ron: Don't worry, soon we'll all have Harry's DNA inside us, and we'll be on our way.
Hermione: No Ron, only half of us are doing that.
Ron: At least I'll get to be in the lucky half.
Fleur: Why zid I agree to zis again?
Bill: Because the fate of the wizarding world is at stake, and you owe Harry for saving your sister in the lake.
Fleur: Oh, right.
George: Such a big group of us, surely someone's going to die.
Fred: I'll take that bet.
George: You're on.
Moody: ENOUGH! Harry, give us some hair so I can add it to the Polyjuice potion and we can get going *Harry continues standing on stunned silence*
Ron: It's okay, I have some here *hands it to Moody*
Moody: Why did you have a lock of Harry's hair in your pocket? *Ron opens his mouth to speak* You know what? I don't want to know. Nor do I care *adds hairs to the Polyjuice potion* Alright decoys, drink up.
Mundungus: Hold on, I'm still robbing the place.
Moody: This shit is why you're coming with me, Mundungus.
Mundungus: Okay, but I get to keep the stuff I'm stealing, right?
Moody: *irritated sigh* Fine, whatever, as long as you drink the damn potion.
Mundungus: Yes sir *drinks a swig of the potion* UGH! What the fuck?
Moody: What, you were expecting something good?
Hermione: I'm pretty sure I warned you that it's pretty disgusting *takes a swig, grimacing as she does so*
Moody: And I'm wondering why you seem to know this firsthand, given that it's a prohibited potion Miss Granger.
Ron: Oh, that's easy. When we were in our second year, we… *Hermione shoves the potion in his mouth before passing it along*
Moody: Okay, everyone finished with this?
Fred: Yeah, but I don't think it worked.
George: Yeah, me and him still look the same as each other.
Moody: *sighs, then whacks the two of them over the head* Now, the lot of you, strip.
Remus: You know, in hindsight, it seems a bit nasty that you're asking someone underage to undress in front of everyone.
Moody: Lupin, you know damn well what the plan is here.
Tonks: My husband's right though…
Moody: The number of fucks I give is less than the number of eyes I have.
Ron: I'll help Harry get into his clothes.
Hermione: Ron, what he's currently wearing is what we're copying.
Ron: But I could…
Moody: Weasley, no.
Arthur: What did I do?
Moody: …I am surrounded by idiots.
Kingsley: I don't think I've done anything stupid yet.
Moody: Yeah, okay, you can be the exception Kingsley.
Bill: Okay, now I've prepared a 'Hedwig' for all of you to carry too *reveals a bunch of cages with stuffed owls to the rest of the group*
Fred: Won't they notice that there's only one of those owls actually moving?
Hagrid: The 'ope is that they'll be too busy tryin' tah kill yah that they won' notice.
George: I'm sure there's a charm to…
Moody: Don't care, we're leaving now.
Hagrid: Alright 'arry, 'ope yah don' mind that yeh're with me *picking Harry up, who's still in stunned silence* I brought you 'ere sixteen years ago, it only feels right that I should be the one ta take ya away.
Moody: Yeah, yeah, very touching. Would have made more sense to have him with Tonks or Kingsley, since he's had far less interaction with them and therefore it's less likely he'd be seen with them, but whatever.
Hagrid: 'EY! With me, we get a cool motorcycle chase scene.
Moody: As long as you don't do the movie version. We're trying to AVOID muggle detection.
Hagrid: No promises.
Moody: Fuck it, everyone grab a Harry and get going.
Mundungus: So, I'll just be… *starts walking towards Arthur*
Moody: With me *grabs him by the ear*
Hagrid: In ya go 'arry *shoves Harry (still in stunned silence) and his stuff into the sidecar of the motorbike* I fixed up Sirius's motorbike meself, with a few modifications, o' course.
Moody: Alright everyone, on three. One…
Tonks: Last one to The Burrow's a rotten egg.
Arthur: You're on *takes off with Fred, Tonks and Ron not far behind*
Bill: Should…should we…
Moody: Just…go *the rest of the group sets off*
Hagrid: Okay, it's just a short flight to Tonks's parents house, and then… *Death Eaters suddenly fill the air* …okay, this'll be a problem. Ready 'arry? *Harry's still in stunned silence* Aww, absolutely terrified of what's happening. I understand *curses start flying in every direction* Don' worry 'arry, I'll get us out of this *starts flying faster*
Harry: *finally snapping out of his silence* HOLY SHIT DUDLEY, you actually… *sees what's going on* Wait, when the hell did this happen?
Hagrid: I promise you 'arry, I'll get us out o' this.
Harry: I might as well accept death then. However, I intend to go out in a blaze of glory, so *pulls out his wand* STUPEFY! PETRIFICUS TOTALUS! EXPELLIARMUS!
Death Eater: Hey guys, I found the real Harry.
Harry: Huh? How would you know?
Death Eater: You've still got the Trace on you. And anyway, who else would use Expelliarmus?
Harry: Someone trying to disarm the person trying to kill them?
Death Eater: Yeah, right. Who would do that? AVADA KEDAVRA!
Hagrid: Oh yeah? *presses a button on the motorbike, which fires a brick wall out of the exhaust pipe, blocking the spell and hitting the Death Eater* Take that, asshole.
Harry: How the hell did you set that up?
Hagrid: Magic.
Harry: …should have seen that coming. Anyway, what happens now?
Hagrid: What do you mean?
Harry: I mean, that wall's just plummeting to earth now. Couldn't that hurt, or more likely, kill someone?
Hagrid: Probably.
*on the ground*
Construction worker: Sir, we haven't got enough bricks for the final wall.
Foreman: *defeated sigh* I'll inform the orphans, there will be no orphanage *the brick wall falls out of the sky, landing exactly where the final wall needed to be* …huh, never mind.
*back in the air*
Harry: You know, I'm starting to think we'll get out of here oka… *winces in pain from his scar* Oh no…
Voldemort: *flying in* OH YEAH! AVADA KEDAVRA! *curse narrowly misses Harry, but not Hedwig's cage*
Harry: Oh…YOU SON OF A BITCH! Not only are you trying to kill me, BUT YOU KILL MY OWL BECAUSE YOU CAN'T EVEN AIM PROPERLY?!
Voldemort: Think of it this way: now your precious bird doesn't need to see you die. AVADA KED… *Harry throws Hedwig's cage at him, hitting him in the face* Oh, come on, who throws a dead bird at someone?
Hagrid: Who are you talking to back there?
Harry: Immortal Dove Lord.
Hagrid: We're being chased by Prince?
Voldemort: ENOUGH OF THIS! Avada…
Harry: Another brick wall would be good about now.
Hagrid: Better idea *presses a button on the motorbike, firing out a stream of fire that makes them fly super fast*
Voldemort: AHH! What the fuck?!
Harry: Great job Hagrid. You can turn it off now.
Hagrid: About that…it can't be turned off until it uses the remainder of our fuel *loud beeping noise* Which may be now.
Harry: …ah, crap *plummets to the ground*