No. 23: Shadows | Stalking
Nikolai knows better than to hide a problem. Problems can only be solved when brought under the light.
If they can be solved at all, and there's the rub. The newly crowned King of Ravka hallucinating shadow monsters is the last thing he needs the people (and his enemies) to whisper about. At best they will call him mad; at worst they will believe what Nikolai suspects…that the mark of the Darkling's evil now lives inside him.
How else to interpret the visages in the mirror? Nikolai throws a blanket over it and avoids looking its direction. Once so keen on his appearance to project an image of confidence and competence, he now has to accept the single unkempt button, the little hair out of place. Fortunately, the only two people who know him well enough to have noticed aren't here anymore. Nikolai can keep up the facade in front of his new inner circle. Besides, they have their own problems to contend with.
Alina is no longer the Sun Summoner. If she were, perhaps Nikolai would have trusted her with this, perhaps he would have hoped her power could somehow cure the darkness that now festers within him. But she has her own darkness.
As Nikolai's betrothed, his name and status still offer her some protection, but their enemies are closing in on them both and Ravka. And so he keeps his burden to himself. It's easy at first, but mirrors aren't the only reflective surfaces in the world. He begins catching glimpses of shadows in the window pane, in a silver tray on the table…in the water before a bath.
He tries not to look, but he can still feel them there. Watching. Stalking. He can't escape them because they're inside him. In the moments when he has the misfortune of seeing his full reflection, it is the monstrous creature from nightmares staring back at him. Eventually he doesn't even need a reflection to see it; inky wisps flit out of the corners of his eyes, and he whirls in fright, expecting the nichevo'ya to have finally emerged. But nothing is there.
Others begin to notice, especially his Triumvirate.
"You've been very jumpy lately," Alina says one evening. "What's going on?"
I'm turning into a monster.
Nikolai doesn't say that, though it's what he dreads. "I'm just tired."
It's not untrue. Sleep has been difficult, plagued with nightmares and flashbacks from the final battle against Kirigan and his followers.
Then one night he is the one stalking through the shadows, hunting prey. The skittering footsteps of a frightened little lamb fill him with exhilaration, and he gives chase. The splash of blood in his mouth tastes like copper, satiating the hunger within.
He wakes in a field, half naked and covered in streaks of drying blood. Terror zings through him, stealing his breath and twisting his stomach into an excruciating knot. There's a mutilated corpse a few feet away. Nikolai's knees go weak when he sees it's an animal, not human.
He begins making his way home, following the sun. He steals a cloak hanging on some poor farmer's drying line and keeps to the cover of woodland as much as he can. He walks ten miles. By some miracle, he manages to sneak back into the Grand Palace and to his room where he quickly dresses. He's tempted to hide away, but everyone is likely in a tizzy at the king's disappearance, so he forces himself to leave his room. Sure enough, the response is immediate.
"Nikolai!" Alina exclaims. "Where have you been? We were worried sick that something had happened to you!"
He clears his throat. "Sorry. I, uh, needed some fresh air."
"We thought you had been abducted by the new shadow monster," Zoya puts in.
Nikolai tenses. "What new shadow monster?"
"Reports have come in. It seems one of Kirigan's nichevo'ya has survived."
Genya hugs herself. "I don't know how that's possible. They all died with him."
That dread is choking Nikolai now. "What do the reports describe?" he asks thickly.
"A large creature made of shadow," Zoya answers.
Alina shakes her head. "We still have the Neshyenyer blade. We track it down and kill it."
"That might be…problematic," Nikolai hedges.
All three arch disbelieving brows at him.
He looks around, then signals for them to follow him into the privacy of his study. He locks the door behind them.
"Nikolai?" Alina asks warily.
"The shadow monster," he begins. "I think it's me. It is me."
They visibly stiffen.
"What are you talking about?" Alina presses.
"I've been…seeing things—seeing it, in the mirror. And last night, I dreamed I was the monster, but then I woke up in a field miles from here. So…it wasn't a dream."
No one says anything for several long moments.
"How?" Alina finally breathes.
"The nichevo'ya," he says. "When it stabbed me, it…infected me with itself."
That is the only explanation.
The three people he's just entrusted his life to look horrified. He doesn't blame them. He's wanted so much to save Ravka, save his country, but now there is no one to save him.
"We'll figure this out," Zoya promises, and there is something in her austere demeanor that boasts confidence. It is small comfort, but comfort still.
Alina and Genya nod their agreement. Alina's expression is filled with determination; Genya's is less sure but no less committed. Nikolai is grateful to have them by his side, the lights in the growing shadow.