Thanks to amethystmusings for this prompt!
"Happy Birthday, Annie!"
Annie blew out the twelve candles on her cake while everyone clapped. She smiled wide, but perhaps the biggest smiles in the room belonged to Oliver and Grace.
This was the third birthday they were celebrating with Annie, a fact that gave them pause. On one hand, it'd felt like they'd always had her in their lives. On the other, time had flown by. Next year would be the start of the teen years. For all they knew she'd fall in love with some boy at sixteen and be out of the house by eighteen. Heaven forbid any sooner. They'd never fully appreciated how short their time with their little girl would be. The young lady sitting at the head of the table certainly had a lot of child left in her, but she wasn't the raggedy little orphan that had danced her way into their lives two years ago.
"You were right," Oliver muttered to Grace, pressing his lips to her temple. "It was a good idea not to go overboard this year. She looks just as happy."
"I feared topping it next year would cause a citywide blackout."
"Again…"
Grace chuckled. "Never top a circus."
"Never. But if we're being technical, the circus was for her adoption party."
"But you still tried to top it."
"Of course. You want my daughter to settle for less?"
Turning her gaze back to the table, she answered, "I don't think she's any worse for wear."
"It is nice to know everyone in the room without having to first memorize a guest list."
"Isn't it?"
"It makes me wish we'd had more time to build these sorts of traditions instead of trying to make up for lost time."
She gazed up at him. "Yes... it would have been nice to have her from the very beginning."
"Although, I guess she wouldn't be our Annie if she were ours. She might have turned completely different."
"I certainly wouldn't change a thing about her."
"It is strange to think how much we really did miss, though," he said. "I never realized it before."
"So much," she breathed.
"Mom! Daddy!" Annie waved them over. "Aren't you gonna have some of this cake? It's delicious! Before Molly and me eat it all…"
The two laughed, Oliver answering, "We're coming."
"What're you whispering about?"
"Oh nothing," Grace hummed, "Just in disbelief at how fast you're growing."
Annie playfully rolled her eyes. "That's only the hundredth time you've said something like that this week."
"Well it's true. You'll understand it when you're a grown-up."
"You can put your minds at ease. I'm in no hurry."
"Oh?" Oliver questioned.
With a devious grin, Annie nodded. "Because when you're a grown-up, you can't get away with things like this…" She turned and winked at Molly. "Time to feed them some cake!"
Oliver and Grace glanced at each other, when they turned back, each received a handful of cake being pressed to their mouths. They were startled, though shouldn't have been with a fair warning. Annie had been right of course. If anyone else had stained their attire so needlessly, they would have been enraged. Instead they laughed, both catching an arm and smothering her with cakey kisses.
. . .
"Good morning, darling."
Grace didn't respond as she took her seat at the table.
"Grace?"
It took a couple of more tries before she finally looked up. "Oh, I'm sorry. Good morning."
"Anything the matter, dear?"
"No, not a thing," she smiled, reaching over to pat his hand. "I was thinking about last night. The staff did a spectacular job as always, hmm?"
"Quite. Not a trace of icing in sight."
She laughed. "A terrific party indeed."
"Indeed," he echoed.
"Annie's still asleep, I presume?"
"Do you blame her? She and her friends took in so much sugar I'm sure they didn't get a wink of sleep until dawn."
She shrugged. "We couldn't let every tradition go, could we?"
"Nah, I suppose not," he said, picking up his paper.
"Actually… I'm kind of glad Annie isn't downstairs yet."
By her tone of voice, Oliver knew better than to fight for his reading. "Something is on your mind then?"
"I guess so."
"Well?" he said when she didn't go on.
Grace took a breath. "Have you ever thought of us having another child? A baby?"
It took him a moment to reply. "A baby… As in, you giving birth and all that?"
She nodded, suddenly nervous.
"Well… Not particularly. Not more than it being an incidental matter. We can't be intimate and assume that a baby might not be the result. When it didn't happen, I guess I stopped thinking about it."
"Oh."
"I'm not a young man, Grace."
"You're not an old one, either."
"Old enough that I don't want to father a baby."
Grace grew pale. "I asked if you'd thought about it, not if you wanted one."
"Aren't they the same question?"
"Yes, but I didn't think you'd be so quick to come to that answer.
"This isn't a time to lie to spare your feelings. I'm not going to lead you on by saying I'll think about it. If it happens, okay, I'll deal with it then, but I don't want to try."
"But why? You don't want to have a child with me?"
"No, Grace," he said quickly. "No, that's not the reason at all. In a different time and place, yeah, I could maybe see myself being a father."
"You are a father."
"Yes, to a twelve-year-old. I can manage a twelve-year-old. Hell, I can handle another ten-year-old. But a baby? Diapers? All those feedings and trying to get them to stop screaming loud enough to catch a nap? That's not something I want to add to my plate."
"You wouldn't have to! You'll see, I'll do whatever it is that needs to be done. I have plenty of help. You wouldn't have to do a thing."
"I certainly would," he grumbled. "I'd have to hire someone to replace you. Our relationship would change. It would become more about the baby than about us. And what about Annie? Don't you worry she might feel displaced being the adoptive daughter?"
"That's not Annie's personality. She doesn't have a jealous bone in her body. Don't peg this on her."
"I'm not. I'm only trying to bring it to your attention."
"Won't you think of the good things a baby might bring rather than the bad? A little someone who's a part of both of us. A sibling for Annie, someone she could love and care for as much as we could. Someone to keep us both younger than we might be if we go on the way it has for two years. I have no complaints, but our relationship is going to change whether we have a baby or not. Why not have something to bring us closer together?"
"We have Annie. Our lives will never be dull."
"Not while she's around. Like it or not, we don't have many years left with her. Not in this capacity. Even if she's still living here, she's going to have a life of her own. There will be less and less room for us."
"True, but that means then there will be time to do the things you and I want to do. It's high time I bring you to Europe for leisure and not a business trip."
"I don't care about Europe if it means trading in the chance to have another child."
"We could adopt another older child."
"I'm not opposed to that, but that isn't going to make me stop wanting a baby of my own. Why can't you understand that?"
"I do, and I'm sorry. I wish you could understand my reasoning as well."
"It's not your reasoning I don't understand, it's your lack of interest in coming up with a solution."
"There is no solution to this problem, Grace. I might be the richest man in the world but that's still not enough money to buy myself youth. I can't be in my fifties chasing around a toddler. Even if you were to have a child today I would be nearing seventy by the time he graduates — Good heavens, that can't be right, can it?"
Grace rose from the table.
When she didn't say anything, Oliver asked, "Where are you going?"
"Back to bed."
Oliver stood now as well and hurried after her, "Come on, sweetheart, we can work this out."
"No, we can't," She shrugged out his hold. "I want a baby and you don't. It's a joint effort."
"It could still happen. In saying this I'm not making a vow never to touch you again."
"But now I know that you'll resent me if it does."
"I never said that."
"You don't have to. Knowing how strongly you feel against the child I'd always be wondering what you're really thinking."
"I've never lied to you before. I didn't lie to you about this. Have more faith in me."
She'd managed to fight back her emotions up until now. Slowly, tears began to stream down her cheeks. "I just need some space right now. Maybe I'll come down to the office later."
"Grace—"
"Please, Oliver."
He stepped back and let her go.
. . .
"Where's Mom?" Annie asked at dinner.
Oliver had started preparing for the question when Grace hadn't made an appearance after lunch. "She's feeling under the weather today."
"Really? She seemed fine last night."
"Too much cake and soda, probably."
"Oh."
Oliver could tell by her tone that she knew there was more to the story. The child had an uncanny ability to sense their arguments. Thankfully she didn't pry, though he did fear she'd rush upstairs to hear what Grace had to say for herself. He wasn't ready for Annie to be involved in this conversation yet. Of course Grace had been right about Annie welcoming a sibling. Early on she would ask for as much. Once Molly had been adopted by Cecile and her husband, those questions ceased. They picked up far too late that those hints were more about Molly than a brother and sister in general.
They'd been on the same page then. They'd talked about adopting her friends. They owed them a great debt after all. But it didn't seem like the right thing to do. The girls had been lumped together for so long. They needed one-on-one attention with their parents. Molly was a different case. They had seriously considered adopting her as well. The two girls shared an unbreakable bond. But Cecile had grown fond of the youngest orphan and Molly likewise. Cecile and her husband had never been blessed with a child of their own. The fit was right. Annie had the equivalent of a little sister around most of the time but each girl had a set of parents of their own. Oliver had assumed Grace felt the same way. Annie had been without a family for so long that she needed this space for herself.
Though he'd never said so aloud to Grace, he'd been fraught with worry the first year of their marriage. He and Grace went through their honeymoon phase no doubt. He'd been sure it could only result in a child. He felt silent relief when the inevitable didn't happen. To him, that confirmed his personal decision. He wasn't equipped to take care of a baby mentally or physically. Could he adapt? Probably, but he didn't want to if he didn't have to.
He wished Grace could be content with leaving things as they had been all along. If it happened it happened. He was just as unwilling to jump through hoops to avoid pregnancy as he was unwilling to jump through hoops for a pregnancy. He was content with the life they'd built together. They were at a point now where the newness had worn off. It'd taken Grace a long time to let go of being only his assistant — to stop putting herself beneath him.
That's what bothered him most about the conversation this morning. While he, of course, wanted to get his way, he didn't like how immediately Grace had given up her side of the argument. Not given up, but resigned herself to his decision. He didn't want this to be what sent them into a marital spiral. Not only a couple of years in. But he wasn't ready to admit defeat, either.
He worked late that night, hoping either Grace would seek him out or that she would be asleep by the time he went upstairs. Neither was the case. Opening the door to the bedroom, he saw Grace on the divan wide awake with a book in her hand.
"Hi," he said, trying not to show any particular emotion.
She met his eye and twitched her lip but didn't make a verbal reply.
As he undid his tie, he asked, "Are you coming to bed?"
"Not right now."
He glanced at his watch. "It's after midnight."
"I've slept most of the day."
Oliver let out a rough sigh. "We're going to have to talk about this tonight, aren't we?"
Keeping her eyes on the pages of her book, she said, "You made your feelings perfectly clear."
"So that means what for us?"
"It means I need time to process the fact I'm never going to have a baby. This isn't something I can brush off."
"I'm not expecting you to."
She looked up again. "What are you expecting of me then?"
No answer was forthcoming.
"We got married too quickly," Grace said after a long silence. Her voice was low.
"Are you saying you regret marrying me all because of this?"
"No." Setting her book aside, she stood. "I'm just saying this kind of conversation should have happened beforehand."
"And you might not have married me if we had?"
Hugging her arms, she said, "I probably would have, but at least it would have all been out in the open. Two years in both thinking different things is messier." Choking up, she finished, "I really thought we'd have a child someday. I really thought you'd say yes."
Oliver walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her, pressing her head to his chest as more tears fell. He hated being the reason she was upset, but it wouldn't be fair to either of them if he took back everything he'd said.
"Haven't you wondered why we haven't conceived a child before now?" he asked gently.
Pursing her lips, she looked to the side. "It's crossed my mind."
"It's true you're a great deal younger than me, but you're not twenty. They say it's harder when you get older. My age certainly isn't going to do you any favors."
Stepping away, Grace said with a sniff, "How did this go from you not wanting a child to us being unable to have a child?"
"I say it only to be realistic. Perhaps what I fear most about trying for a baby is that we'll have to face the conclusion that we can't. Isn't it better to be on the side of control?"
"No," she snapped. "It's better to try and see what we can do before it's too late."
"And build our hopes up to the point of heartbreak?"
"I thought you said you didn't want a child. It would be my heartbreak."
"It would be our heartbreak. I can't think of anything worse than depriving you of a child."
Her brow furrowed. "Let me see if I'm understanding this correctly... To avoid me not being able to have a child, you're saying we can't try for a child?"
"You've completely missed the moments I said if it happens it happens. If I was adamant against the idea entirely, I'd be suggesting separate rooms."
Grace pinched the bridge of her nose.
"I can't make it make sense. All I'm saying is that I don't want to go through the stress of trying and failing. I'm saying I have no particular desire to set out to be the father of a baby. I'm saying that I can't bear not being able to give you something you so desperately want."
"The only failure is in not trying. Of course I'd be heartbroken if five years from now we didn't have a baby, but I would accept it. I'd know it wasn't meant to be. But right now? There's still that possibility. I'm not ready to close the door for fear it may close for us."
"Grace," he huffed, "can't we at least leave it for now as it's been? No shut doors, just leave it up to chance and figure it out as we go along?"
"How can I possibly ever be the one to initiate any physical between us after this? I'll be worried what you're thinking the whole time, wondering if you think I have ulterior motives."
"I'm not going to think that."
Grace sighed as she sat back down on the divan. "I'm going to have to wrap my mind around this."
Oliver moved to sit next to her. "I never meant to hurt you with this. Lying would have only made things more complicated."
"I know, but I'm allowed to feel disappointed and confused."
"Why confused?"
"Because you're so good with Annie. For me, a baby is the logical next step. When we were talking last night I got it into my head that you were thinking the same."
"How?"
"When we were talking about all that we've missed with Annie. We might not be able to go back in time with her, but there's still a chance we can have those experiences."
"You're only thinking of the good parts. You're not thinking of the fits of screaming, the feedings, the illnesses, the constant worry, the temper tantrums, the—"
"Do you have a child I don't know about?" she interrupted and was genuinely concerned to hear the answer.
"No," he answered gruffly, "but I've had a younger sibling. You haven't."
Then it clicked.
"You're not afraid of not being able to conceive or letting me down or changes to our relationship and work. You're afraid of losing the baby after it's born."
Oliver tensed.
"You can admit it," she said, touching his shoulder.
"I hadn't thought of it."
Shaking her head, she said, "How did I not realize it before? Of course that's what scares you. That was such a worry when we adopted Annie."
"All right, fine. Maybe that is the problem. Now can we put this conversation to rest?"
"I know losing your brother was a terrible time in your life, but you can't use that as an excuse not to get close to anyone."
"I'm close to you and Annie."
"And how long did it take you to admit that you had feelings for me?"
"That's not important. Besides, it only took a couple of weeks to adopt Annie."
"But it took a year before you stopped waking up in the middle of the night to check on her."
"You did the same thing. We both saw her hanging from that bridge."
"Okay, bad example. My point is that sometimes in life awful things happen. Then there are wonderful moments to make up for them. I don't want to give up those wonderful ones because there's a chance for some bad moments."
"It's just… a lot, Grace. It brings back things I try hard not to think about. Apparently so much that I didn't fully realize it until you said it."
"You never talk about him. Maybe it would help if you did."
Oliver shook his head. "I can't."
"Not even with me?"
"I'm sorry."
"What about Annie? She told me you mentioned him to her when you first asked to adopt her."
He shook his head again. "That was different. I merely said I had a younger brother who died of pneumonia. Nothing more."
Grace covered his hand with hers. "I can't promise nothing will happen to our child, but you're grown now and have the means to fight whatever comes our way. And you're not alone in it."
"Maybe not initially, but I had to watch my mother crumble after losing her son. I can't watch you slip away, too."
"I would be devastated — that can't be helped — but I don't see myself giving up everything to grief. I have you and Annie to think of. I have so many things to keep me busy. The situations are different."
Oliver grumbled something unintelligible. Grace opted not to ask for clarification. Instead, she stood and reached for his hand.
"I'm not in the mood, Grace," he said with some resistance though he didn't let go. "Especially not out of pity."
"I'm not leading you to bed, I'm leading you to the kitchen."
He stood ambivalently. "The kitchen?"
"I haven't eaten today."
"Why didn't you have Drake bring you a tray?"
"I couldn't bring myself to. But now I think you need a drink and a change of subject."
"Damn right I do."
"We will be coming back to it, though."
Resignedly, he said, "I know."
. . .
Grace let the matter sit for a few days. She made what peace she could knowing where Oliver was truly coming from. It was easier to reconcile than general disinterest, though it ultimately made matters more difficult.
She noticed him latching onto Annie a bit more, inviting her to do her homework in his office and suggesting an outing every other night. She almost felt guilty for having been the one to bring it all to the surface. What happened to his brother never crossed her mind. Then again, why would it when he never discussed him? She understood not wanting to dwell on lost loved ones, but it didn't seem healthy to ward off all thoughts completely.
She'd come to understand a lot more about his moods since becoming his wife. His past haunted him and that was the extent to which he'd allowed her in. She hadn't let herself face the depths herself. She was torn between wanting to leave well enough alone and wanting to help him face his demons. Especially if in doing so he might be open to the possibility so something wonderful to come into their lives.
But how to approach him? He'd been more guarded than ever the past days, going as far as to avoid being alone with her for any length of time. She didn't want him to feel as though she was trapping them, but she knew if she let it go much longer, they'd never revisit the matter. For a passing moment, she thought of involving Annie. She thought better of it for multiple reasons. She didn't want to discuss extending their family unless she was sure it could come to fruition. That was the main one. Second was that she didn't want to put Oliver on the spot. It would be a miracle if she could get him to say anything to her. She didn't see him bringing Annie into this conversation well. At least not at this point in her life.
She wasn't left with many options. Work was busy and made busier by the frequent outings. At night when they were alone, he made it a point to say he would be going straight to sleep. Her timing had to be perfect.
"That's it for me for the night," Oliver said, pushing the phone aside. "Roosevelt had his chance to make this call."
"He's in California at the moment. The time difference might have slipped his mind."
"Not my problem," Oliver grumbled as he stood. "I'm not going to start an hour's conversation at ten o'clock. I'll let you finish up—"
"I'm finished," she cut him off, shutting her notebook. It was a lie, but that was tomorrow's problem.
"Oh… I thought you still have to do the—"
"Finished."
"I was going to say typing."
"Oh, that…" With a nervous laugh, she brushed it off. "It will take fifteen minutes tops. I can get up early if need be."
He eyed her for a moment. "What are you up to?"
"Nothing. Is it so wrong to want to walk upstairs with my husband?"
His shoulders drooped. "Look, Grace, if you're thinking about anything for tonight—"
"No!" she interrupted again. It wasn't the preferable lead-in, but it would do. "Oliver, we need to talk about this."
"About me being tired?"
"No, about you avoiding me. This is what I feared. Whether you're avoiding the conversation or me or both, we can't let it go on any longer."
"It's late. I don't want to trudge through all of this again right before bed."
"When do you propose we talk about it?"
"Another time."
"Until the problem gets so big that we do irreparable damage to our relationship?"
Letting out a long breath, he said, "Let's face it, Grace. The damage is done."
"So that's that? You're willing to give up everything to avoid talking about something difficult?"
"You might be singing a different tune if this were your life under scrutiny."
"I'm not scrutinizing you."
"Whatever it is you're doing, I wish you'd stop. Talking about it isn't going to change my mind. If anything it will reinforce my decision."
"Then what needs to happen to reach a compromise?"
"I've given you the two suggestions. We adopt another older child or see if you wind up pregnant one of these days."
"This isn't an either-or situation. Especially given you already can't bear to be alone with me in our room since this came up. I know you've been pretending to be asleep."
"That's beside the point."
"It is not!" she cried. "This whole thing has spiraled."
"No kidding."
"I want a baby, Oliver."
"And I don't. That's the end of it!"
Grace turned from him. If her legs didn't feel so weak, she would have run from the room.
Oliver was left to stand in regret as he watched Grace stifle her tears. He tried to approach her but his feet were also frozen. Irreparable damage she'd said? As the words echoed, he knew he'd pushed the last nail in the coffin. Not because they were said at all, but because he meant them.