Open when you need some reassurance…
Serena knows the run in with Cameron is going to come on the first day he's back on the ward. He's been away for a month working on a short residency at St. James Hospital, and Serena still isn't sure if he purposely planned it to fall in line with his mother's deployment or whether she's just being cynical.
She tries not to judge Cameron, or Charlotte, the latter who she has never met, because she doesn't get what it was like for them to spend so much of their childhood without their mother. But at the same time Bernie is her partner and even from the time she's spent helping Bernie get ready for this deployment, she can see what the army means to her, see what a big part of her life it is so she does find it hard that Cameron and Charlotte don't support that.
What she doesn't expect is for Cameron to barge into her office at 7am on a Saturday morning slamming the door before starting to yell at her.
"How the hell can you be so calm about this!" His back is up, and she knows—at least to start with—this is all going to be her fault. No matter how he is feeling personally, though, they are still in a hospital and she is still his superior.
"Dr. Dunn, I suggest you lower your voice." Serena says, trying to get him to calm down without actually pulling the I'm Your Boss card. She moves away from the filing cabinet, closing the door quietly.
"She's in a war zone! How can you be so calm? How could you let her do this!?" He's pacing the office as he speaks, and Serena can only watch.
"Dr. Dunn, sit down." She points rather uselessly to Bernie's empty chair.
"It's like you don't even care about her!" making her calm break temporarily.
"Cameron, sit down now!" she commands. Serena is not going to rise to his bait and yell about this, but she will get through to him. He stares at her for a minute, breathing hard before sitting in his mum's chair.
"For a start, I love your mother in a way I've never loved anyone else, and I care about her so deeply it hurts. So don't you ever dare tell me that I don't care about her!" she says, looking directly at him, because she will not have anyone, not even Bernie's own son, tell her she doesn't love Bernie.
"I'm sorry," Cameron says sheepishly. "But I just don't get it! How can you be so happy with someone you love being so far away in a war zone?"
Serena sits down in her own chair opposite Cameron, needing him to understand for Bernie's sake, if not for her own.
"I don't like your mum, my partner, the woman I love, being in that war zone any more than you do. I worry about her the same way you do. I constantly think, what if today's the day I get the visit telling me she's been killed, or a call telling me she's on her way to Holby, victim of another IED?"
She pauses for a second trying to work out how to word this, using the time to glance down at the photo of her and Bernie on her desk, smiling at the memory it gives her. "The difference between us is that as a partnership with your mum I understand she needs to do this. The army was her life, she didn't do it because she doesn't love you and Charlotte. She was already signed up before you two were even part of the equation and it became part of her life. She has countless men and women that depend on her. It's part of who she is. While she's over in Afghanistan she doesn't suddenly love me less just like she doesn't love you or Charlotte any less. She misses all of us more than anyone else could imagine, but it's who she is. I don't want to speak ill against your father, but he gave her no real choice but to leave the army. Your and your sister's relationship with her was already strained and he gave her an ultimatum and she tried for you. But it wasn't how she planned on leaving, she never got closure, never got to say goodbye to something that was part of her life for over twenty years."
"But wasn't she happy here? With you? Trauma lead, co-lead of AAU?" And Serena gets the question, because yes Bernie was happy—IS happy—with that.
"She was and she is, which is why when her nine months are up, that's it and she's coming back for good." She watches the puzzled look cross Cameron's face as if he doesn't understand.
"But then why does she need closure, if she's got all this?" he gestures around with his arms. "She doesn't need closure!"
"Right. Imagine you've been a doctor for over twenty-five years; you'd probably be a consultant, if not higher. Now imagine overnight having that taken away from you, being lifted and placed in another job where you were just as happy, but you weren't a doctor. No time to say goodbye, no time to adjust, no time to get used to the different way of life. Do you think you'd accept that easily? That despite being happy, your heart wouldn't yearn to pick up a scalpel once more. You took a year out and were desperate to get back into medicine. Well, that's your mum. She didn't get a choice or a warning she was just taken away, so, yes, she needs this closure. That's why I support it, Cameron. She isn't out there having the time of her life, she's in a war zone, she's watching her friends and colleagues die before her eyes, trying in vain to save some of them. She doesn't do it because she enjoys it, she does it because it's part of who she is."
Cameron shakes his head a little at her, and she just wants him to understand.
"So, what you are saying is this is definitely it? After this she's coming back for good. Staying for good?" And Serena hears the tone in his voice, the longing for his mother. It's some of the same reasons she and Elinor don't always see eye to eye, the times she felt Serena—her own mother—was putting work before her.
"Your mother is the bravest woman I know, Cameron. She isn't a renowned front line trauma surgeon for nothing, she's saved lives others wouldn't have been able to. She's put herself in situations most wouldn't, because she's fiery and fearless and I'll say it again, brave. But, yes, before this she didn't even plan on going back. They needed someone special, they needed your mum to go and ensure that the current medics actually stand a chance at doing their job. Your mum is the best woman for that and if she can help others while getting her own closure, then I won't let anyone tell me I am wrong in supporting that, in supporting her, in loving her just as much while she's away as I did every day before she went and will every day when she gets back."
"She's certainly brave. Through all the years she's never let on to Charlotte and me what she's seen on her tours, even as an adult who hears stuff in the news. I'm sure I still only have a fraction of an idea of what it's really like." Cameron has softened now, and Serena can't help but think she's getting through to him.
"She asks about you, you know. Every conversation we've had and every bluey she's written, she asks about you."
"What? Checking I've not given up on being a doctor?" And the hard tone is back.
"No, Cameron, being your mother and just wanting to know that you are okay! She always mentions Charlotte too, how she hopes she's doing okay and to please let her know if I hear anything about her from you. I know you don't think she's been the best mum ever, but she loves you, both of you more than you'll ever know and her being on deployment doesn't stop that. She blames herself for your strained relationship, and wishes she had a better one with both of you. As much as you may hold it against her, no one does more so than she does. No one regrets what you don't have together more than she does."
"Really?" And the tone of disbelief is a true one, not something Cameron could fake. He really doesn't get how much Bernie regrets not having a stronger relationship with her children.
"Yes, you know she won't say anything. You know over the years she's schooled herself into hiding any kind of emotion, but she really does regret that you don't have a mother-son and mother-daughter relationship."
"I never knew. I just always thought that as long as she had other things it would be enough."
"Have you written to her? As an adult while she's been deployed?" And Serena really does wonder then, knows that this time Bernie has so many people in line to write blueys to her, but can't help but think that maybe it wasn't like that in the past.
Cameron shakes his head before speaking. "No, over her last couple of tours I was either too busy getting drunk like most twenty-four-year-old lads or avoiding her because I'd dropped out of med school."
"She understands why you did that, you know. You could drop out again tomorrow and she'd still love you just as much, Cameron. Maybe you should write to her? Maybe it'll be good for the both of you?" Serena knows it'll be good for Bernie, to know at least one of her children has taken the time to write while she's so far away risking her life.
"Maybe I will," Cameron says, standing. "Thank you, Ms. Campbell, and sorry." And Serena smiles as he leaves the office hoping that she's at least made a little bit of headway with Cameron.
It's not until later that she starts to panic about her suggestion, it had felt good at the time telling Cameron to write to Bernie, but she just hopes she wasn't mistaken. She knows life for Bernie is tough enough where she is and she doesn't want Cameron to write anything that may make it harder. She takes a deep breath and decides that this is the time for one of Bernie's special letters.
She flicks through the box, finally finding the perfect one "Serena - Open when you need some reassurance…"
She locks the office door and sits down in Bernie's chair. It's not as comfortable as her own, but, well, it's Bernie's and it's where she wants to be to do this.
My Dearest Serena,
If you have opened this letter, you need some reassurance. There is only one thing to say about that, trust your judgement, your instincts are very rarely wrong! Stop second guessing yourself and just see how things pan out!
All My Love, Bernie,
Your Big Macho Army Medic x
It's the shortest letter yet, but that doesn't mean it isn't exactly what she needs right now!