Just as Claudine is becoming more comfortable around Maya, Maya is beginning to have her doubts and become fearful of rejection...
Disclaimer: I do not own Shoujo Kageki Revue Starlight.
Chapter 8. Now Or Never
Four months.
That's how long it's been since Claudine had been whisked away by Tendo Maya as his wife.
At first, she'd been entirely compromised on this development.
There had been times when she'd been hopeful that it might just be the lesser of two evils.
And there had been times when she'd assumed it would be more terrible than anything she'd ever known, and that she might've just been better off with her own awful family. She'd feared that Maya was only acting kind to her for his public image, taking pity on a blind girl just so he could have his way with her. She'd feared he would hurt and abuse her, and legally, since he would be her husband, there wouldn't be much of anything Claudine could've done about it.
She'd walked on eggshells for a time, around Maya and all of the other staff at the Tendo estate.
She just couldn't believe that they were so kind. It had to be a farce.
But even after a few weeks, and then a few months, nothing ever happened that proved any of her fears.
In fact, it was only the opposite. Living as Tendo Maya's wife was turning out to be a dream come true, the likes of which Claudine had never imagined.
Here, she was free to dance, sing, and act just like she'd always wanted, with plenty of space and music to be played for her. And here, she didn't have to constantly worry about being tricked or trapped just so someone else could get a laugh out of watching a blind girl fall. Not once has Claudine stumbled or gotten hurt here within the past four months.
It's almost surreal.
And not only was she allowed to sing and dance, which would have been more than enough for her right there, but she had also been granted countless other wonderful things.
She now had an education, because Maya allowed for her to learn about various topics that most women were never permitted to dabble in. And when she wasn't eagerly learning about history or science or politics, she was dancing, and when she wasn't dancing, she was mounting a horse with her husband and going for a ride around the property.
Had anyone told Claudine five months ago that by this time she would be riding horses of her own volition, she would have laughed herself into a fit.
She was able to choose from so many activities she never would have gotten the opportunity to choose from anywhere else in the world. Only Tendo Maya could have and would have offered such things to her.
When Claudine had come to realize that she wasn't going to be hurt, she had at least presumed that she would be made to be as proper a nobleman's wife as she could get while being blind. Meaning, she presumed she would spend her days cooking and cleaning and gossiping with the maids, tending to her husband's every command, always arriving steadfast at his beck and call.
But that wasn't the case, either.
Claudine didn't do chores for him, nor did he force or expect her to cater to his needs. In fact, Maya had never once asked her to do anything without first checking half a dozen times that she was all right with it.
Maya always cared for her, which he really wasn't expected to do at all. He seemed eager to break every societal norm in this marriage, and always went out of his way to check on Claudine, make sure she was comfortable, that she'd slept well and eaten enough, and things of that nature. Though there were a few times a week when he would disappear to work on a personal project, other than that, he spent all of his free time with her.
He would come and find her throughout his workday simply to be with her, to eat lunch with her, to go for the occasional stroll with her, to ask her about her day before telling her about his own. He would wash her back, brush her hair, and read her stories. All things Claudine never dreamed of.
And these past four months have only served to solidify the truth that Claudine had instinctively hypothesized from the very moment she'd met him: Tendo Maya was a good man.
He was careful, considerate, and kind - especially with Claudine. He would never touch her without permission, and when he did make contact with her, it was often so gentle that she wanted to cry.
He was so sweet. So kind. And on top of that, he was funny, sensitive, and strong.
He would encourage Claudine to do anything she liked, and was always eager to know about what she had done or learned in his absence.
Simply put, he was genuine. Genuinely himself. Genuinely concerned about and interested in her. Genuinely affectionate towards her.
Over the past few months, Claudine had grown more and more comfortable with him, enough to have him touch or hold her when they would fall asleep together.
But it seemed that, as soon as Claudine started to long for his touch… Something changed within Maya.
Ever since that first night she had drawn him close and he'd cried himself to sleep on her chest, Maya would sometimes pull away from her. Not always, and not too often. But it was enough that even a blind girl like Claudine would notice.
There were just certain times when he would shy away from her, either by redacting a hand he had previously offered, or by jolting and readjusting himself if Claudine were the one to reach out first.
He didn't shy away from her emotionally, nor did he ever speak to her any less on a daily basis. No. What he was avoiding from time to time was purely physical.
And after he had initially made it very clear that he wanted to be close to her, Claudine can only wonder what happened to cause this jarring change.
Now that she was seeking and wanting his touches, he would hesitate or withhold them. And she isn't sure if it's something she'd done or said, or if this was a matter he was dealing with himself.
Either way, those instances of Maya withdrawing from or avoiding her were generally few and far between. It's just that, whenever they did happen, Claudine took notice.
She didn't want that. Whatever had changed within Maya now to make him shy away, Claudine didn't want it. Not now when she had become so comfortable around him. He'd given her a safe place to live and learn and sleep, cared for her with everything he had, provided everything she could've wanted…
That's why, after four months of finally living her life to the fullest, Claudine comes to the decision that it's time for her to give back.
She was no fool. She knew full-well the true reason as to why Maya had been visiting every young noblewoman within the empire to find a suitable wife. It wasn't simply so he could fulfill the public expectation that he marry while he was still young, or the expectation that he marry a beautiful girl. Perhaps those were parts of it, yes. But Claudine knows the true reason behind it all, the real reason any nobleman with a title marries a young woman.
An heir. Maya had chosen a wife so that she could bear children for him.
In any other case, the couple would often marry for business. Affection didn't always factor in, and sometimes if it did, it would come later.
But Maya had always adored her - truly adored her - and deep down Claudine has always known this.
That's why, now that he's given her the time to think everything over, and the space to be comfortable around him, she decides she wants to give back. She wants to give him the one thing he truly wanted from her.
She's beyond grateful that Maya has given her all the time she needed in order to fall in love with him.
Claudine isn't exactly sure when it had happened, either. It's probably more accurate to say that it had been gradual, and not one instance in particular.
She'd fallen for him little by little, over the course of every day they've spent together over the past few months. Every time he's offered to help her carry something, or go for a ride with her, or hold her hand as they walked the gardens…
Each time she'd fallen just a little more for him.
Until one day, she realized she loved him too. She loved Maya like he loved her. Gently and genuinely.
He may not have said it to her face, but she'd felt it in his touch, heard it in his voice, and understood it through every freedom he had provided her with.
So it's time for her to tell him.
And to show him.
Claudine chooses a particularly warm evening.
She and Maya are taking their usual stroll through the gardens as they tell each other about their day.
Maya holds her hand as always, only tonight, Claudine laces her fingers with his a bit more tightly, and walks just a bit closer to his side than usual.
At dinner, she feeds him a few fork-fulls in front of the staff - something she's only ever done in private with him before. And he seems delighted that she is showing affection to him in front of other people.
When they return to their room, they take turns bathing and washing one another, though with the determination of what she is going to do tonight in her mind, Claudine is a bit quieter than usual.
They get dressed into their sleep clothes, and once their hair has been brushed and dried, they head back out into the bedroom. It's then when Claudine steels herself to go through with it.
As the bathroom door closes behind them, Claudine draws in a deep, deep breath before grabbing hold of both of her husband's hands.
"Maya-" She doesn't want to just blurt it out. She wants it to be a memorable confession. She listens for his response, which is as sweet and patient as ever.
"Yes? What is it, Claudine?"
Claudine's breath hitches, and she reminds herself to slow down.
"Come with me."
"Of course."
Claudine leads him over to the bed, where she sits down with him. She fidgets, but keeps hold of his hands as she tries to find her words.
It's times like these when she really wishes she could see. She wants to actually look at him when she tells him. But since that will never happen, she has to make due with what she has.
Her silence must have started to worry him, because he prompts her a bit worriedly.
"Claudine? Are you-?"
"Before you can start to fret for no reason, yes. I'm perfectly fine. Now will you just hush and let me do this?"
Maya gives a hum of agreement.
Claudine breathes in again. She'd tried to plan out what she'd wanted to say. She'd even memorized some of it. But now that the moment's actually happening, her mind goes blank. So she just says everything she's feeling.
"I need to tell you," she murmurs. "How grateful I am to you… for everything you've done for me. You freed me from that hell of a household, and you gave me a life I never could've imagined… I can do anything I want here. I can learn, have fun, dance, sleep… And I know I'm safe… That's something I never truly knew before…"
"C-Claudine…" In spite of her request that he not worry, she can hear that his voice is nothing but concern now. She feels him lean over a bit, then hears him ruffling through a drawer in the nightstand. A moment later, Claudine feels the tender touch of a handkerchief on her face. Only then does she even realize she'd started to cry. She sniffles, letting herself lean into his touch for a moment.
"And this… you're always so gentle with me… So kind… It feels like it's too good to be true."
"But it is true," Maya says. "Everything I feel towards you, Claudine, is absolutely genuine. I swear that to you."
"I know." She controls her voice and her emotions enough so that her voice doesn't waver. She turns her eyes up to where she knows his would be. "Which is why I need to tell you that I love you."
She hears a soft intake of breath, and she knows it isn't her own. The hand on her cheek freezes, and a long beat of silence ensues. She waits, just as he would always wait for her. She waits until she can't bear it any longer.
"Mechante va..." she chokes. "Say something."
Gods, she's never wished she could see more in all her life than she does in this moment. She needs to know what kind of expression he's making right now.
Is he appalled? Had she been imagining and imposing the affection herself when he never actually needed emotion to come into play? She really doesn't believe that's true. But here, hanging suspended in this moment, blind and just not knowing, even the scariest things seem possible.
She hears him make another muffled sound in the back of his throat. And then both of her hands are being clasped between his with such fervor that she already knows his response before he says it.
"Yes!" he cries. "I love you, Claudine! I have for quite some time now, but I never… I didn't want to say such a thing without knowing how you felt, too. I love you. I fear to say that I am in love with you… I love you so much that I… I don't know what to do with myself-"
She can hear it when his voice breaks and he begins to cry out of sheer emotion. With her hands still being squished in his, Claudine eases forward and lets herself lean against him. Maya instantly lets go of her hands so he can wrap his arms around her fully. Claudine tentatively moves her hands to his sides and hugs at his sleep shirt.
"I love you, Tendo Maya."
She prays. Prays that now won't be one of the times when he retreats or coaxes her away. If he ran away from her now, she doesn't know what she'd do, if she would blindly chase him or stay there all alone...
Thankfully, she doesn't have to consider those options.
Because Maya doesn't shy away from her now. He pulls Claudine close, into a tight embrace.
And it just feels so wonderful. To be held with force - force that he knew she could handle and return. Claudine locks her arms around his back and squeezes, finally covering those last few inches of distance that they would constantly keep between themselves.
She'd always imagined that such an embrace might be hard. But on the contrary, Maya's body is surprisingly soft. Of course there are the fabrics of his sleep clothes to consider, but she can tell that the body underneath is soft to the touch.
It's comfortable. Warm. Safe. Even though she's felt safe in this mansion every day for the past four months, she decides here and now that nowhere makes her feel quite as safe as being in Maya's arms.
She sobs, and Maya sobs with her. Claudine almost feels a bit guilty for having made him wait this long to hear her feelings, since she knows he had fallen in love with her long ago. But she's grateful that he'd waited for her to sort things out in her heart, and now it's all come to fruition.
They weep for joy and for love, clinging to one another until the tears turn to laughter. Sheer happiness.
Claudine eases herself back a little and reaches up toward his face. Her palm brushes against his cheek as she touches him like this for the first time. He laughs, pressing into her hand as he brings his to her cheek as well. Claudine lets her fingers glide across his forehead, his hairline, down his nose and over his lips…
"Claudine…" He sounds as breathless as she feels, but his voice still holds all the tenderness in the world. "May I kiss you?"
Claudine sobs out a little laugh.
"I thought you'd never ask."
She waits, counting the jubilant beats of her heart. She feels the warm wetness of the tears down her face, the slight caress of his palm, then the lightness of his breath.
Soft. It's so soft.
She never imagined a man's lips would feel like this. It almost feels like plush, pillow-like and comfortable.
A fire ignites in her chest as her heart dances sporadically.
Maya doesn't push on her lips too hard, nor does he open his mouth or go anything beyond a simple closed-mouth peck. When they part, Claudine feels dizzy in the best way possible.
"One more…"
Maya doesn't hesitate. He kisses her again, and this time Claudine kisses back.
She never dreamed she could have anything like this. A real, honest, genuine love was something that she never even dared to consider.
How was it possible? That such a perfect, wonderful man existed, and that he'd chosen her of all people? He loved her? And she loved him back? It felt impossible.
But the reality in front of her and all around her right now suggests otherwise.
They kiss, again and again, over and over. She can feel the joy in his kisses, the mirth in his touch, and hear the emotion in his sobs.
Claudine can't stop crying either for a time. Every time they part from a kiss they both need to take a moment to catch their breath. But as soon as they're able to, they resume.
The kisses are light and sweet and soft. Sometimes Claudine misses his lips and accidentally ends up kissing his chin or his nose instead. Each time Maya chuckles and returns it with a kiss on her cheek or forehead.
"Claudine…" He says her name with such profound affection, such tremendous tenderness. "Claudine… I love you so much…"
Her heart trembles, bounds, and soars.
"I love you too, Tendo Maya."
They lose track of time. It's become insignificant at this point, anyway. All they care about is kissing the person they love most. Again and again.
Laughing. Crying. Smiling.
After they must be a hundred little kisses in, Claudine follows her conviction.
It's time to give back to him. Time to give him the one thing any man would surely be craving by this point. Time to show him her love in the most natural form.
For the next kiss, Claudine pushes a little harder and parts her lips for the first time. She deepens the contact, pushing little by little until she feels his mouth open too.
At this, Maya stiffens just a bit. He parts from the kiss a bit too early, but Claudine is determined not to give up. She draws her legs fully up onto the bed now and kneels in front of him, leaning forward against his chest a bit as she kisses him again.
As they're engaged in the kiss, Claudine slowly drapes one leg across his lap. She feels his hand on her side, but she can't tell if he's trying to brace her from falling or keep her at bay.
It must be the former. There wasn't a man alive who wouldn't be eager to receive what Claudine was offering in this moment.
She makes sure he knows her intentions, that there can be no misunderstanding what she wants to do for him tonight.
So while she still has him locked in the kiss, she takes the hand that had previously been on her hip and moves it up her stomach. Holding onto his shoulder with her free hand to keep herself balanced over his lap, she presses his other hand fully against her chest.
She wants to make absolutely certain he knows what she is offering. Maya could be quite dense at times, but tonight Claudine wants everything to be crystal clear.
Her heart is gushing, and she knows he can feel it. She needs to make sure he understands it isn't out of fear. Just the opposite.
She's eager. Ready and willing. She wants to do this.
Just to make sure he understands, she lets out a little moan against his lips as she deepens the kiss and pushes his hand harder against her chest.
Maya parts from her with a small gasp.
"Claudine-"
"Shh…"
Claudine curls her lips into a mischievous smirk. She shifts her weight a little, pulling at his shirt a bit to put him where she wants him to be, all the while deliberately leaning herself up against the hand held captive against her chest, making sure he can feel what she wants him to feel. She breathes heavily so that her chest will move beneath his palm, keeping a firm hold on his shoulder.
Then she lets herself fall backward onto the bed, pulling him down with her. She feels the pressure of his body over hers only briefly before Maya pushes himself up, though his hand is still on her chest.
"Cl-Claudine-"
"Hush," she murmurs. "It's alright. I want to do this, Maya."
He doesn't move. He simply remains frozen as he hovers over her. His hair had been loose from bathing, and now Claudine can feel a few locks of it against her cheek after they slip over his shoulder.
She can feel his legs straddling her hips and makes an adjustment. Claudine moves one of her legs free of the straddle so that one of Maya's knees is now placed between her thighs, just barely brushing up against her bundled nightgown.
Claudine does everything she can think of to put his mind at ease. She wants him to know he doesn't need to worry about her. More than anything, she wants to sleep with him.
She does whatever she can to get him in the mood. Curling her fingers into the shirt over his shoulder, she tries to pull him down for another kiss, letting out a heated breath of a moan as she does so.
But Maya resists her, refusing to budge.
"Claudine…"
She pretends she doesn't hear the regret in his tone. She doesn't want to believe she's being rejected.
"Maya, please…" She gives him what she can only hope to be a needful look. "It's alright. I'm completely fine. I want to do this. I want to give you a baby. We've already been married for four months. There's no reason to wait any longer. So don't worry. Make love to me. Make love to me and let me give you the heir you want."
She attempts to move her knee upward toward his body. But just before she can make contact, Maya moves himself off of her completely.
"I'm sorry-" He nearly chokes out the words. "I can't. Claudine, I can't-"
"Maya-?" She already misses the warmth and weight of his body. Claudine sits up when she feels him get off the bed and hears him cross the room. "Maya!"
She hears a shuffling at the door, then the sound of it closing, and then silence.
Claudine sits there in bed, ruffled and confused. But not defeated.
"He's just being shy," she reasons. "He must be. There's no way he would refuse…"
Though, there was one glaringly obvious reason as to why he would refuse to sleep with her. Claudine just isn't willing to let herself acknowledge it.
"He's playing hard to get," she decides. "So I'll just have to try harder."
At the very least for tonight, she had made her intentions clear. Even though he'd gotten flustered and ran off in the end, Claudine had still managed to confess her feelings to Maya, and he had reciprocated, in all ways but one.
But that would come in time, with just a little more coaxing on Claudine's part.
She'd let him know that she was available and willing, so it shouldn't be long before he finally realizes that she was serious and give in to his desires.
But for tonight, Claudine lets her husband have his space and process it all.
She lies herself down in bed, leaving room in case he chose to return. Her heart is still pounding, and it takes a while yet to calm down as she keeps replaying the night's events in her mind.
Eventually, she does fall asleep to the sound of Maya's voice. She just can't discern exactly what he is saying.
Maya flees from the room like a bat out of hell. She'd never moved so quickly in all her life.
So many emotions are coursing through her as she dashes down the hallway. But she only makes it a short distance before her legs nearly give and she sinks to the floor.
Her whole body is trembling, for a multitude of reasons.
Excitement, joy.
Dread, fear…
"Gods above, help me…"
It was so much. Too much.
She'd been so, so indescribably happy when Claudine had confessed her feelings. Maya had never truly wanted anything more than that - to know that Claudine was safe and happy and that she loved Maya, too.
And the kisses. Gods, the kisses…
She was so soft, so sweet, so perfect… Too perfect.
Claudine was so perfect, in every single way, that Maya had let her guard down. She'd nearly given in and went along with her wife's advances and invitation…
Until Maya remembered one crucial detail.
She can't sleep with Claudine.
If Maya had stuck to the original marriage plan, she would've told her wife her secret. The woman she married was supposed to know Maya's secret from the start and be paid and provided for in order to keep quiet about it.
But when Maya had met Claudine, she'd changed the plan, decided to keep her secret since she knew Claudine wouldn't be able to see her body. They would use the money they would've originally used to pay Maya's bride into silence to instead pay another man of the Tendo household to have children with Claudine so Maya could raise them as her own.
But once Maya had realized she was in love with Claudine, that plan had also gone out the window. She'd then decided that whichever cousin her father chose would instead have children with another woman of his choosing. The children Maya and Claudine would one day raise wouldn't end up being directly related to either of them.
That's how this was supposed to go.
Maya realizes now just how stupid she truly was. Even if Claudine hadn't fallen in love with her too, it would've only been natural that the topic of sex would eventually arise between a husband and wife. How could Maya ever think she would be able to keep her gender a secret from Claudine when they shared the same bed?
"Foolish…" She snaps at herself. "I truly am an idiot…"
Claudine had just confessed to her. Told Maya her honest feelings. Maya had felt for herself how quickly Claudine's heart had been racing. She'd shown Maya her vulnerabilities and her deepest emotions.
And what had Maya done? Run away. Reject her.
The last thing she ever wanted to do was hurt Claudine, but tonight she fears she'd done just that. She doesn't want Claudine to hate her…
"Claudine… I'm so sorry…"
Where does she go from here? How can she rectify the situation? Maya isn't really sure if there's any possible way she can do that.
"Gods, what have I done…?"
Trapped. She'd trapped herself in this intricate web of lies and deceit. The more she'd struggled with it, the more entangled she'd become.
And now she is here, snared every which way with a noose around her throat.
She can't see a way out of this. Not one that will spare the both of them pain.
Claudine can't ever know Maya's secret. She'll be repulsed at the thought of marrying another woman, and enraged that Maya had lied to her. She would leave, and Maya would lose her forever…
But if she stays, Maya will only be forced to continue rejecting her, and keep hurting her further.
There was no way out.
Maya sobs there in the hallway, feeling more helpless than ever before. She must sob for hours before she musters the strength to limp to the nearest guest room and collapse.
All these lies. All this pain.
And yet, she can't deny that she's still deeply in love with Claudine.
In the days and nights that follow, Claudine persists.
She isn't afraid to kiss Maya in front of the staff or even his father now, and Maya is always happy to kiss her in return. They kiss before Maya leaves for work every morning, then again when they see each other for lunch, and again as they wish each other goodnight. The kisses are always wonderful.
But whenever they are alone, Claudine makes an effort every now and again in hopes of getting Maya in the mood.
She touches his thigh when they are sitting in the garden, but he tactfully slips his hand under hers and holds it still instead.
She pulls him in for a kiss in the hallway and presses herself back against the wall, but he always parts from it and lets her go.
She tries to have him touch her in the back of the library, but he always redirects his hands away from her chest and places them innocently on her shoulders or cheek instead.
Time and again, Claudine tries.
And time and again, Maya tiptoes around it.
One morning, she even approaches Rei about it.
"Rei-san?" Claudine hears her talking in the kitchen and approaches her. Over the months, she's grown very close to the trusty maid, and often talks to her when Maya is working. She hears Rei excuse herself from whatever conversation she'd been having with the chef.
"Good morning, Claudine-sama. Do you need me for something?"
"Just a moment." Claudine waves her over away from prying ears. Rei lowers her tone in understanding that this is a private matter.
"What is it? Has that master of mine done something stupid again?"
Claudine shakes her head.
"Not stupid. But I did want to talk to you about him." Her face begins to heat up as she tries to put it into words. "I'd wanted to ask you… if you know anything he likes…?"
"Anything he likes?" the maid repeats. "Well, he likes you, but you already know that. And he likes his work, believe it or not. And he's always had a sweet tooth-"
"Not like that," Claudine mumbles. "I mean… are you aware of anything he enjoys… sexually…?"
There's a pause, and the longer it lasts the more unbearably awkward it becomes. Claudine babbles to fill the silence.
"I-I just mean if you've ever happened to overhear him talking to the other men. I-If he ever mentioned something he likes, or would like a woman to do for him… It's just… nothing I'm trying seems to be working, and I…" She tapers off, wondering if she looks as pathetic as she feels. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked you something like this-"
"Claudine-sama…" Rei's voice is taut, as though she's keeping something back. "I… I'm sorry to say that I don't know any information like that. I can't help you…"
"That's perfectly fine! Again, I'm sorry to ask you such an awkward question… Do you think I should just give up…?"
This is another one of those times when she really wishes she could see. There's something off about Rei's silence, and Claudine just wishes she could see her expression.
"I'm sorry…" Rei says quietly. "It really isn't my place to say. I really do wish I could help you, Claudine-sama."
"Don't worry about it." Claudine puts on a smile. "I'll get him to crack eventually."
Rei says nothing more, and Claudine feels she leaves the exchange after missing something major. She'll just have to keep trying.
And try she does.
She keeps making passes at her husband at appropriate times, when they are alone and enjoying their time together.
First thing in the morning, she wakes him by letting her fingers touch all across his arms and trail down his stomach, but he always grabs her hands and stops her before she can go too far.
After they dance together, Claudine kisses him deeply and tries to press her body as close as possible, but he always gently pushes her back.
One evening as they prepare to bathe as per usual, Claudine musters up her courage and lets go of her towel, allowing herself to be completely naked around him for the first time. Though she is still in the bath and facing away from him, she hopes the blur of her figure beneath the water will be enough to tease and entice him.
But even then, he pretends as though she weren't fully nude, and he simply washes her back and hair for her like always without trying to touch her anymore than necessary.
She tries.
She tries and tries as hard as she can.
But every time Maya ignores her advances, it breaks her heart just a little more.
Each time, the truth behind his rejection becomes more and more evident, to the point where she isn't able to ignore it for very much longer.
It hurts.
More and more each time he moves away from her.
Before much longer, Claudine has no choice but to make one last desperate attempt…
Maya has never faced anything more difficult in her entire life.
All of her carefree days with Claudine have now become minefields she must tiptoe around.
Ever since that night, Claudine has been making advances whenever the opportunity presented itself. And each time, Maya has no choice but to deny her, sometimes with words, sometimes with actions, and sometimes by avoiding her altogether.
Rei comes and finds her one day in a fluster.
"You tried to sleep with her?!" she shrieks at Maya. "Have you lost your mind?!"
Maya quickly explains the truth - how Claudine had been the one to initiate such intimacy, and Maya has been running away ever since.
"How did you know?" she asks her maid.
"She came to me," Rei reveals. "She confided in me that you kept rejecting her…"
Maya feels a pang stab at her heart.
"I have no choice…"
"I know. And I have no idea how to help either of you in this situation…"
"...Perhaps I should talk to my father. See if we can adjust this plan at all…"
"That won't help anything," Rei sighs. "You're in it too deeply now. Your father can't do or suggest anything at this point. This is between you and Claudine-sama…" She sighs again, muttering stressed curses under her breath. "We were stupid not to see this coming… At this point you'll just have to keep pushing her away. Either that, or you tell her the truth. No matter what you decide, it's a harrowing situation… But no matter what, I will support you, Maya-sama. Of that, you can be certain."
In all this nauseating uneasiness, Maya can at least crack a smile to know she has her maid, if nothing else.
"Thank you, Rei-san."
After that, Maya struggles through several more days and nights of Claudine's passionate kisses, heated touches, and suggestive sighs.
The evening when she releases her towel and bares herself fully to Maya in the bath tub is a particularly challenging one. Maya pretends she doesn't notice. She simply washes Claudine's back for her as usual, and tells her about her day.
After that though, she politely declines Claudine's request to wash her in return. There were only so many times Maya could be able to stay alert under Claudine's caresses and remember to move away from her fingers when they tried to slip around her sides. Maya always kept her towel around herself and her arms across her chest lately, but as Claudine gets bolder, Maya has to start refusing the treatment altogether.
And it kills her.
It kills her because she sees the hurt in Claudine's hazy pink eyes every single time she pulls away.
She can hear the choke in her voice as she tries not to cry.
She can feel the sadness and confusion and anger in the air pulsing off of Claudine.
Until one night, it all finally bursts...
...
Again tonight, Claudine had bathed naked.
And again tonight, Maya had ignored it and then refused to let Claudine wash her in return.
By the time Maya has put on her sleep clothes and entered the bedroom, Claudine is sitting there in her nightgown with her hair still wet. Maya tries to act normal and sits beside her as casually as possible.
But in only seconds, Claudine is pressing up against her back, breathing bemusedly into her ear as her hands loop around Maya's stomach.
"Come now, Maya~" she purrs. "Let tonight be the night. I want you so badly…"
Maya swallows, promptly catching her wife's hands before they can travel too high or too low.
"Not tonight, Claudine. I'm-"
"Too tired…?" Claudine's voice immediately changes. The airy, sensual huff turns into a stern, disappointed scoff. "That's what you always say…"
This is different. The way Claudine is speaking now, sounding so bitter and hurt… The way she almost rips herself away from Maya…
It's happening. Her worst fears are coming true right here, right now.
"Claudine-"
She tries. Maya turns to her and tries desperately to salvage this, to keep it intact just for one night longer.
But it's too late. Claudine has been hurt one too many times now. Maya can see it in her face. She doesn't understand why this is happening.
"Why-?" she chokes. "Is it something I said? Something I did? Something I haven't done? I've tried everything! Everything any man would like! So why? Why won't you let me touch you-?"
"Claudine-" Maya reaches out for her, but stops. She feels it would be unfair of her to touch Claudine now when she is right, and Maya hasn't let Claudine touch her. "Claudine, you're mistaken-" Her voice quivers. It's the voice of someone who knows that they are about to lose everything they've ever loved. "It isn't because of anything you've said or done-"
"Then what is it-?!" she screams. "Why won't you make love to me?! Why won't you let me touch you?! Why do you keep pretending you don't notice?! If you hate me, then I wish you'd just say it!"
Maya has never, never seen nor heard Claudine like this ever before. It strikes a newer, deeper, more terrible fear within her soul. The fear that she might do something awful. The fear that she might hurt herself.
"No!" Maya yelps. "I don't hate you, Claudine! I could never-"
"Then why?!" She's crying now, sobbing as she stumbles off the bed, staggering as she tries to put as much distance between Maya and herself as physically possible. When Maya moves across the bed to try and reach her, Claudine hears her and stumbles back against the wall.
"Don't…" Her voice is quieter this time. A warning. "You don't need to say it… As if I didn't already know the real reason why you won't sleep with me…"
Maya gets up from the bed, still torn between reaching out to touch her and giving her space.
"Claudine, no. That isn't-"
"Oh, enough already!" she snaps. "You might as well just say it. We both know the real reason you don't want to sleep with me is because you don't want to risk having a baby that might be defective like I am!"
"Claudine-!"
Maya rushes forward, but Claudine is faster. Using the wall for guidance, she tears off across the room, knocking down her paintings Maya had hung up in the process. Several things clatter to the floor behind her as she thrusts herself against the doors and forces her way out.
And then she's gone.
The echoes of Claudine's sobs wobble in just before the doors slam shut behind her.
Maya drops to her knees as her worst nightmare finally comes true. She'd hurt Claudine to the point where she hated Maya now, wounded her so deeply that it had cut into her soul and torn her apart from the inside out.
Maya had toyed with her heart all for the sake of her stupid, selfish secret.
And now she's lost her. The one and only person she's ever cared about, and ever truly loved.
A wave of acidic nausea churns in her stomach as Maya feels bile rising up. The thought of losing her is excruciating. Unbearable.
The memories flash in her mind.
The shine in Claudine's eyes as she learned something new in her lectures.
The squeal in her voice as she'd ridden a horse for the very first time.
The smile on her lips when she'd dance around the room with Maya.
The trill of her voice.
The sparkle in her eyes.
The warmth of her hand…
Gone.
They're all gone now.
And for what…?
Maya asks herself this question with disdain in her heart.
All for some ruse? All because I'm a woman…?
She won't accept this as the end of their story. She refuses.
In this moment, when she is beyond her lowest point… When she feels like she is drowning, suffocating beneath the weight of her lies…
When she feels like she's too weak and shaken and scared to move…
It was times like these when abstinence ended in tragedy.
And it was times like these, when you were weaker and more terrified and more heartbroken than ever, when you needed to act.
Stand up. Run. Go to her.
Now or never.
Maya won't let hers and Claudine's story end in tragedy.
So as sick and terrible and angry at herself as she feels, Maya digs up and pours all of her remaining strength from the core of her soul. It's all the strength that Claudine had given her.
It fuels her, forces Maya up onto her feet and propels her toward the door.
She won't let it be a tragedy.
With her heart breaking and racing all at once, Maya throws herself out into the hallway and runs.
A/N: After months and months of patience, hard-earned trust, and genuine happiness, everything comes crumbling down. And each girl can blame no one but themselves... Is there any way they can avoid tragedy...?
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