Was this conversation taken almost word-for-word from my own therapy session? Yeeeeesssss… So Trigger Warning: discussions of negative self talk, weight gain (from puberty), bullying as child, and healing the inner child.

Tuesday, October 28, 1998

Because of the events for the coming week, everyone's weekly therapy had been moved up to Tuesday. Hermione sat in the waiting room waiting for Dr. Greenwood to finish with the client before her. Hermione felt her leg bumping up and down, filled with anxiety. She didn't know what she was going to talk about. She tried not to fixate on this stuff, but honestly it was all proving to be… a lot.

"Hermione," Dr. Greenwood's voice broke through her spiral. "You can come in now."

Hermione swallowed heavily and sat down. "I'm feeling nervous for some reason," she said, cringing at how her voice cracked.

"Is it the change in days?" Dr. Greenwood mused.

"Maybe," she sighed. "I'm just… I've been thinking a lot about Primary Hermione. What she'd think of my life."

"Primary Hermione?" Dr. Greenwood asked.

"Yeah, the me that went to Muggle Primary School. I was bullied quite a bit. I guess just looking at everything. Sometimes she still has such an impact on how I see myself and the world."

"Tell me more about that?" Dr. Greenwood continued.

"Well I was pretty small, then I hit puberty and I grew. Out and up. They were merciless. Not only was I the only non-white student at my school, I was also the largest girl and I liked to read, and I had braces. I guess that girl never thought she'd be able to have anyone. I suppose I just saw myself as the academic one."

When Dr. Greenwood looked confused, Hermione chuckled ruefully.

"You know, fat girls can be the funny one, the bookish one, or the slutty one? We have to be a trope for so many people and I just… I didn't want to be the trope, so I thought going to Hogwarts would fix that, there's no way they'd be rude to me there too…"

"But they were," Dr. Greenwood said softly.

"Yes, this time for my blood of all things. Yet another thing I couldn't control. I've come a long way from that, of course. I like me, rather a lot actually. I'm funny and kind and beautiful. I love my curves, I love my rolls. I love that my body has kept me alive through so many things. I just, sometimes Primary Hermione really gets in my head about all of this stuff."

"What are some of the things she says?" Dr. Greenwood asked.

"Theo and Draco just like you for your assets, Ron and Harry just like you for your brains. You'd better work harder than the other girls so that people see you have something to bring to the table. You're ugly because you're fat," Hermione listed, monotonously.

"And when you get stuck in these spirals?"

"I suppose that's the thing," Hermione said, staring off into space. "I can logic myself in and out of those things. I have all these people who constantly remind me of how wonderful I am and all the great things about me, but Primary Hermione who was hearing all these things about how I 'should' look or act or be, just doesn't hear them. She's not logical. She can't see it all like I can."

"So the question is how do we heal her? How do we show Primary Hermione that those external voices aren't right?" Dr. Greenwood asked thoughtfully.

Hermione sat on the little window ledge that overlooked the gardens. She could see her own breath on the window panes. It had gone from sunny autumn to frost covered nights in the blink of an eye.

All three of them had come back from therapy quieter than usual. It was wild the way her therapist barely said anything yet somehow made her face so many of her own thoughts.

How could she convince Primary Hermione to see that she didn't have to question everything. She could trust those around her. She had such a solid group of people that cared about her, it was illogical to be so concerned.

But she supposed that's how it all worked isn't it? None of this was logic based. It was her feelings. It was years of feelings all mashed up together to make her who she was.

With a sigh, she followed the trails of Magic towards Draco who was curled up in the television room, all three cats tucked in around him. Hermione picked up Europa and snuggled into Draco's side.

"You alright, darling?" he murmured, placing a kiss on the top of her head.

"Mmm," she said, snuggling in deeper against him, Callisto came and made herself comfortable on her legs. "I will be, just a lot of thinking about who I am. You know typical stuff. Sometimes our life feels unreal, like it's a dream that I'm going to wake up from?"

"I know what you mean," Draco said softly. "I think all three of us are a bit melancholy today. I spent a lot of time talking about Lucius and how I'm going to be as a father."

"I didn't think I'd live to be someone's dad," Theo said quietly from the doorway. Hermione held out her hand to him. He came over and settled with his head in her lap. "Sometimes I'm surprised my father didn't just kill me off."

Hermione looked down at him, "I'm so glad he didn't," she whispered. "You were one of the only people who saw me for me. That's what I talked about, the little negative voices in my head, telling me I'm not good enough."

"Oh, love," Theo said, looking up at her. "All three of us are a right mess, aren't we?"

"But we're each other's mess," Draco said. "Now let's watch a film. What'll it be? Disney? Star Wars?"

Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think or if you have any thoughts about what might happen next!

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