A/N: Hi guys! I am still alive. I hope everyone is doing well. Sorry for all the delays. Low motivation and a Master's degree mean little fanfic writing. Naturally, I have an exam tomorrow so NOW is the time my brain decides writing fanfic is the only thing to do. Yay me. Lol. I promise I haven't given up. On this or my PJ story, but my motivation for that is even lower due to the fact I'm not a fan of the last book. I'll finish it eventually.
If anyone is interested in my other works, I've just published my first book on Amazon. It's called Draak'Pyr Academy. It's kind of a Harry Potter type story but with half-human/half-mythical creatures who have magical powers based on the elements.
Hope you all stay safe and well! Thank you all for your continued support.
Gilderoy Lockhart
The next day, however, Harry barely grinned once. The two boys got a stiff and disapproving good morning from Hermione who was reading one of Lockhart's books.
Hermione sighed to herself.
"Hadn't you already read the book?" Bill enquired. She nodded grimly.
"I was a little starstruck," she admitted grudgingly.
"A little?" Ron muttered. She glared at him. He just raised an eyebrow, thinking back to the multitude of things that should have tipped her off that he was a fraud. Or at the very least not someone to admire.
Neville Longbottom, on the other hand, greeted them cheerfully. Neville was a round faced and accident prone boy with the worst memory of anyone Harry had ever met.
"Sorry, Nev."
"Not like it's not true." Neville shrugged, giving him a small smile.
He told them the mail was due any minute. This proved to be true as Harry had barely started his porridge when the owls arrived. A package was dropped onto Neville's head before a large grey something fell into Hermione's milk jug.
"Errol," Charlie said, half laughing, half sighing in exasperation.
"Your grandmother's owl always seems to drop the parcels on you rather than stopping so you can take them," Harry noted.
"He doesn't like anyone except my grandmother," Neville admitted. "It's not just me he does that to."
Ron exclaimed it was Errol and pulled the owl out of the jug by his feet. Errol was unconscious and slumped onto the table with a damp red envelope in his beak. Ron gasped in horror and Hermione assured him Errol was still alive.
"That's not his concern," George said, shaking his head.
"I know that now, but I'd never heard of a howler before," Hermione pointed out.
"Which is impressive really. We get at least two a year, and we know a few others who've had them," Fred mused.
"Well, Harry tended to spend as little time in the Great Hall as possible to avoid all the staring. Especially after the points loss," Ron reminded his brothers. Several people winced inwardly at the idea of Harry skipping more meals, Minerva especially was horrified that her actions, and then her lack of action in regard to her house's behaviour, had caused the already malnourished boy to miss more food.
"Who doesn't love a bit of public humiliation," Sirius grumbled. His mother had sent him a howler a day for the whole of his first term at Hogwarts because he'd been sorted into Gryffindor.
"You certainly had no qualms about causing other people plenty of humiliation," Severus sneered. Sirius opened his mouth but caught sight of Harry's expression and closed it again. In all his years, Sirius had never once doubted that the Marauders had been in the right during their time at Hogwarts. The good guys who pulled pranks, but it was all in good fun. They were young and stupid, but nobody was ever harmed. Sure, they gave as good as they got when it came to the baby Death Eaters, but that was different. When it came to the general populous, it was harmless pranks. But, looking at his godson's curious expression, he wondered how he would see it. Clearly, he didn't mind the Weasley twins' pranks, but something told him Harry's nature meant he wouldn't see some of the Marauder's pranks quite the same way Sirius did. The event in fifth year sprang to mind. No matter how much Snape had deserved it for what he said to Lily, Sirius didn't think Harry would ever find hexing people fun.
Ron stated it was the owl but the letter. To Harry it looked ordinary, but Ron and Neville were both looking like the expected it to explode.
"Well, it kind of did," Neville chuckled slightly.
Harry asked what the matter was. Ron informed him it was a howler and Neville suggested he open it as it would be worse if he didn't. He had received one from his gran which he ignored, and it was horrible.
"When did you get a howler?" Emmeline asked curiously.
"A couple of years before Hogwarts. Gran wasn't well so I was staying with my Uncle Algie. I tripped and accidentally broke a really valuable vase." Neville shuddered at the memory.
"Surely a simple repairing charm would take care of that?" Draco drawled derisively.
"It was really old and volatile. Magic couldn't be used, it would have just made it worse," Neville explained as best he could. He hadn't really taken much notice of the specifics at the time. Draco nodded.
Harry asked what a howler was. Ron was too busy focusing on the letter which had begun to smoke at the corners.
"Best open it soon. Once it starts smoking, you're running out of time," Fred warned.
Neville urged him to open it. Ron took the envelope from Errol and opened it. Neville put his fingers in his ears.
"Not that it helped," Neville muttered.
"I don't think even Professor Sprout's earmuffs for the mandrakes would have helped," Harry agreed in an undertone.
For a moment, Harry thought the envelope had exploded. The roar of sound was so loud it shook dust from the ceiling.
Remus winced. He'd have probably gone deaf if he had been present for that. He was certainly glad he had never been in the room when the twins had received a howler from Molly this last year.
Sirius whistled. "That's loud."
"You have no idea," Harry told him.
Mrs Weasley scolded Ron, saying she wouldn't have been surprised if he'd been expelled and that she expected he hadn't stopped to think what they would think when they found the car gone.
"Well, they were twelve. Not many kids think an awful lot at that age," Sirius pointed out.
"Some don't think much, even as adults," Remus said dryly, glancing at his friend. Sirius simply stuck his tongue out, making the younger people in the room giggle.
"Didn't you have tracking charms on it?" Kingsley wondered.
"No." Arthur shook his head. "There were so many other charms on it, expansion charms and the ones to make it fly, I didn't want to risk anymore for the time being. Given that the car wasn't supposed to be flown, that year was the first we'd used it to take the children to King's Cross, I thought tracking charms would be unnecessary."
To Harry it seemed like Mrs Weasley's voice was a hundred times louder than usual as it made the cutlery rattle and echoed off the stone walls.
"It echoed so much, we couldn't actually tell where it was coming from to begin with," Draco stated.
"Did you find a way to actually make a howler even louder?" Remus looked at Mrs Weasley in horror.
"Sonorous charm while creating the howler," Arthur informed him grimly. Everybody winced at that.
"You're lucky you didn't have damage to your hearing being that close to something so loud," Emmeline said, looking at the Gryffindors who had been present at the time in concern.
People began looking for whoever had received the howler and Ron sank low in his chair.
"That didn't help," Draco informed him in a faux helpful tone.
"You don't say," Ron snarled, more out of embarrassment than anger.
The howler continued, saying she thought his father would die of shame and pointing out he and Harry could have died.
"Did you know they had crashed?" Charlie wondered.
"No," Molly said tightly, giving Minerva an unhappy look. "But Ron hadn't flown the car before, and it was ever such a long journey. They could have easily gotten lost, or crashed as they did."
Harry was unsurprised his name had finally cropped up. He tried to look as though he couldn't hear the voice making his eardrums throb.
"How did that work for you?" Bill laughed.
"Not well," Hermione informed him with a smirk.
Mrs Weasley kept going, informing Ron that his father was facing an inquiry at work.
"I feel like that's not something you really should have put in a howler," Charlie winced. "That's just going to give people like Malfoy over there more fuel to tease Ron with."
"It was in the Daily Prophet. They would have heard about it soon enough," Arthur sighed.
"Still, maybe not the best idea to air family laundry out in the open like that. You know children can be cruel," Bill suggested gently, but giving his mother a look.
She threatened that if he put another toe out of line, he would be brought straight home.
"What do you think? Did we put a toe out of line?" Harry muttered in Ron's ear.
"Not even a nail," Ron grinned.
The envelope burst into flames once it was done. A few people laughed and soon the hall returned to normal. Hermione closed her book and said she don't know what he expected but…Ron cut her off telling her not to say he deserved it.
"Maybe not the time for such a thing," Tonks told Hermione kindly.
Harry felt guilty that Mr. Weasley was facing an enquiry at work after everything the Weasleys had done for him over the summer.
"It's not your fault, Harry, dear," Molly assured him. "You didn't close the barrier, nor did you fly or enchant the car."
"But we couldn't get through the barrier because of me."
"Because of a crazy house-elf," Sirius corrected with a slight sneer. "His actions are not your fault."
He couldn't dwell on this as Professor McGonagall was heading their way with timetables. Harry had double Herbology first.
"I hate Herbology first thing," George groaned. "Especially a double. You always feel filthy for the rest of the day."
"Cleaning charms just aren't the same as a proper wash," Hermione agreed.
"At least the Hufflepuff and Slytherin dorms are close enough they can wash up during break, but heading to Gryffindor tower takes too long. Even with shortcuts," Fred sighed.
"It wasn't the best first day ever," Harry muttered. And not just because of the lessons either. Lockhart had made the whole year even more miserable than it already was.
They headed towards the greenhouses and the howler had made Hermione believe they had been punished enough. She was being perfectly friendly once more.
"You mean well, but it's not actually your place to decide whether they have been punished enough or not," Tonks told her kindly.
They stood outside the greenhouses, waiting for the Professor, who arrived with Lockhart in tow. Professor Sprout was carrying bandages and Harry felt guilty when he spotted the Whomping Willow that now had several branches in slings.
"That tree tried to kill you. Don't feel guilty," Sirius told him firmly.
"We did crash into it," Harry pointed out.
"Only you could feel sorry for a tree," Fred shook his head. "Well, you and Neville," he amended.
Professor Sprout was described.
Pomona sniffed, but it was far from the worst description. Honestly, being able to make that wretched woman faint seemed more like a compliment.
Lockhart was wearing immaculate robes of turquoise and a hat of the same colour.
Pomona muttered grumpily under her breath.
"What is he even doing there? Shouldn't he be getting ready for his own classes or something?" Tonks wondered, spotting the angry look on her former head of house's face. It took quite a lot to make Professor Sprout angry.
"He was attempting to give me advice," Pomona snorted derisively.
Lockhart greeted the students, informing them he was showing the professor the right way to doctor a Whomping Willow before adding he didn't want them thinking he was better at Herbology than her.
"No danger of that," Harry snorted. Pomona offered him a pleased smile.
"He honestly thought he knew better than one of the world's most renowned Herbology experts?" Bill scoffed.
"He thought he knew everything. According to him, he was the ultimate expert in every single field of magic ever," George said scathingly.
"Just wow," Sirius whistled.
He added that he had met several of the exotic plants on his travels.
"From a distance maybe. If he got too close, it might mess up his hair," Fred scoffed.
Professor Sprout informed them they would be in greenhouse three that day, but she was far from her cheerful self.
"Understandable," Charlie said. "If he tried to tell me how to work with dragons, I'd have chucked him into one of the pens to be dinner." Several people chuckled.
"Charles!" His mother scolded, but it was only a half-hearted attempt.
"He'd only give them indigestion," Minerva muttered.
This got the class interested as greenhouse three had more interesting and dangerous plants than they had worked with before. As they were about to go in, Lockhart grabbed Harry, saying he'd been wanting a word. He asked Professor Sprout if she minded if Harry was a couple of minutes late but didn't bother getting a response, simply closing the door in her face.
"How rude!" Narcissa sniffed disdainfully.
"Of course I minded. They were studying Mandrakes that lesson. Any other lesson and I could have started and caught Mr. Potter up during the lesson, but with those I couldn't start without him due to the fact he needed to be warned and wearing earmuffs."
"And surely nothing he has to say can be important enough to make you late for a lesson. He could simply tell you at lunch or after his own class," Ted pointed out.
"It's Lockhart. He was important enough to do anything he wanted in his own twisted mind," Harry scowled.
He said Harry's name several times.
"Did you forget your name?" Fred teased. Harry glared at him.
Harry said nothing. Lockhart then said that when he had heard he thought it was all his fault and could have kicked himself.
"Wish he had," George said.
"I'd like to kick him," Sirius muttered.
"We'd all like to have kicked him," Harry agreed.
"What was his fault?" Andromeda wanted to know.
"For once, nothing. He was just being an idiot with an over-inflated sense of self-importance," Harry scowled.
Harry had no idea what he was talking about. Before he could say this, Lockhart continued that he obviously knew why Harry had flown a car to Hogwarts. It stood out a mile and then he repeated Harry's name another three times.
"What? How on earth could he think that was his fault?" Percy blinked in surprise.
"There is no way that idiot shut the barrier, is there?" Emmeline wondered tentatively.
"No!" Everyone who had been at Hogwarts that year replied in unison.
Harry noted he could show every single one of his teeth even when he wasn't talking.
"Yeah. Unless someone happened to prank his toothpaste and make his teeth turn black," Fred smirked.
"He didn't smile once for an entire week," Ron grinned happily.
Lockhart stated he had given Harry a taste for publicity. He had been on the front page of the paper and wanted to do it again.
Almost everybody in the room snorted at how utterly ridiculous that statement was.
"I don't recall Ron or Harry even being mentioned in the paper?" Kingsley frowned. "The car, sure, but neither of the boys were named."
"Nobody has accused Lockhart of having any brains," Remus pointed out dryly. "The car was in the paper, the whole school know it was Harry and Ron that flew it by now. He put two and two together and got seven."
"If anything, meeting Lockhart made me want to me famous even less than I already did. I don't want stupid crowds following me around all the time, spending my entire life posing and being a pompous git," Harry scoffed.
Repeating Harry's name even more, Lockhart said he understood, and he blamed himself as that first taste was bound to go to his head. He then said Harry couldn't start flying cars to try and get himself noticed.
"I'm gonna kill him," Sirius growled.
"How did you put up with him for an entire year?" Bill asked the members of staff.
"Honestly, I'm still not sure," Minerva sighed. "I'm rather impressed he didn't spend the entire year poisoned."
"It was definitely a thought," Severus muttered.
Lockhart keeps talking about how he was twelve he was just as much of a nobody as Harry.
"Did he just call Harry a nobody?" Draco asked in astonishment.
"I wish I was a nobody," Harry muttered to himself.
He continued that he was even more of a nobody as a few people have heard of Harry given all the business with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.
"A few people?" Try the entire wizarding population of Britain. And more besides," Tonks pointed out. Harry winced.
"And you thought James and I were big-headed," Sirius said to Remus in stunned disbelief.
"You were. But this idiot is on a whole other level," Remus replied, shaking his head in bemusement.
"He's probably just trying to use Harry to further his own popularity. If he's seen giving The-Boy-Who-Lived advice and stuff, it'll make him look even better," Bill mused.
"I'd like to say Harry made it pretty obvious he hated Lockhart with a passion during that year -" Fred started.
"- but given how the sheep in the school like to always believe the worst of him, I'm sure some of the students bought that," finished George.
Glancing at Harry's scar, he continued that it wasn't quite as good as winning a Most Charming Smile Award five times but that it's a start.
"Defeating a Dark Lord isn't as good as an award for a charming smile?" Tonks asked, completely stunned by the audacity of the man.
"I didn't defeat him," Harry pointed out through gritted teeth.
"To the public, you did. It was you he couldn't kill," Andromeda reminded him gently. "And regardless of how it came about, this imbecile somehow believes smiling to be more important than defeating a Dark Lord."
"How has it come to this? This…this…this utter moron was in charge of teaching our young witches and wizards how to defend themselves!" Kingsley groaned. "This is why Tonks is the only successful Auror graduate we've had in years."
"It got better. Last year was good," Harry said. Remus smiled at him.
He winked at Harry and finally left. Harry was so stunned it took him a few seconds to recall he should be in Herbology.
"I can't say I blame you for that. I'm stunned by his stupidity too," Pomona murmured.
"He thought that was important enough to make you late for a lesson?" Remus wrinkled his nose.
"Like we said, he thought anything he had to say was the most important thing ever," George sneered.
"I cannot imagine having to deal with that idiot for a year, either as a professor or as a colleague," Ted muttered grimly.
When Harry had taken his place in class, Professor Sprout stated they would be repotting Mandrakes and asked who could tell her the properties of the Mandrake. Naturally, Hermione's hand was first into the air, and she gave the correct answer.
"Did you even wait for the professor to ask you to give the answer?" Emmeline wondered. Hermione flushed slightly.
"Nobody else had their hand up."
"That's because nobody usually bothers, knowing you'll give the answer anyway," Ron told her bluntly. She frowned at him.
Professor Sprout awarded her ten house points and asked why they were so dangerous, to which Hermione gave the correct answer again, narrowly missing Harry's glasses in her race to raise her hand.
"Sorry, Harry," Hermione shot him an apologetic look. She hadn't even noticed at the time. He waved this away, well used to it by now.
Sprout awarded her another ten points. She stated that they Mandrakes they had now were very young, and everyone tried to get a look at the purplish green plants. She instructed them to all take a pair of earmuffs, making everyone scramble to avoid a pink and fluffy pair.
"They truly were hideous," Ron muttered.
"But it's a good job we had some," Harry pointed out. Ron conceded that he had a point.
The lesson continued and Harry put on the earmuffs. Professor Sprout pulled out one of the Mandrakes and Harry gasped as what looked like an ugly baby popped out of the earth.
Several people snorted.
"They are kind of ugly," Neville admitted. "But dead useful."
The Mandrake is described.
"Good job we never had to deal with those," Remus mused. "I dread to think what Sirius and James would have done." Pomona grimaced at the very idea.
The professor put the Mandrake into a new pot and covered it with compost. She gave them the thumbs up, and everyone took off their earmuffs. She stated that the Mandrakes were only seedlings so their cries wouldn't kill yet but would knock them out for several hours.
"A nice excuse for a morning off," Sirius grinned.
"Or detention for deliberately not putting your earmuffs on correctly and so missing lessons," Minerva corrected. He shrugged, thinking that it might well have been worth it.
"Would have been worth it for a chance to miss Defence," Ron muttered, unknowingly echoing Sirius' thoughts.
"No. If I had to deal with another detention on top of the one I got for the car, I'd have gone mad," Harry said flatly.
"What happened in detention?" Sirius asked in sudden alarm, mind instantly going back to the forest.
"I spent it with Lockhart. Answering his fan mail," Harry informed him through gritted teeth.
"Ouch. That is a punishment and a half," Remus grimaced.
Sprout continued that she was sure none of them would want to miss their first day back, so they should ensure their earmuffs were on correctly. Four of them per tray and they should be careful of the Tentacula which is teething.
"It's always teething!" Said several students, past and present, in unison. Pomona chuckled.
"So, it is."
She gave a sharp slap to the Tentacula plant as she spoke, making it draw in the long feelers that had been inching sneakily over her shoulder. The trio were joined at their tray by a Hufflepuff boy that introduced himself as Justin Finch-Fletchley.
Ron scowled.
Justin stated he knew who they were, bringing up the flying car once more, which didn't impress Ron.
"Why would he bring that up right after the howler?" Charlie asked grumpily.
Justin calls Lockhart an awfully brave chap as he would have died of fear if he'd been cornered in a telephone booth by a werewolf.
"It wouldn't be the fear that killed you if that was the case," Remus said dryly.
"You're not saying he actually wrote about that happening?" Andromeda raised a disbelieving eyebrow.
"Indeed, he did," George nodded.
"And people believed that?" Kingsley wanted to know. He'd never read the books himself, and now he certainly was grateful for that.
"Seems so." Fred shrugged.
But Lockhart just stayed cool and zap.
"Zap?" Remus scoffed.
"Justin is a muggleborn," Hermione defended. "He was still in the 'magic can do absolutely anything' phase."
"Like you were any better," Harry muttered quietly. Her cheeks turned pink.
He continued that his name had been down for Eton but is pleased he came to Hogwarts instead.
"Eton?" Percy asked curiously.
"Very posh muggle school," Hermione told him.
Justin's mother was disappointed but since she read Lockhart's books, she has begun to see how useful it will be to have a trained wizard in the family.
Several people scoffed.
"I mean, he's not entirely wrong, but Lockhart is definitely not a good example of a trained wizard," Bill stated.
After that there wasn't much time to talk as they had to put earmuffs back on.
"Probably for the best," Sirius muttered.
It was more difficult than it looked to repot the Mandrakes. Harry spent ten minutes trying to quash a particularly fat one into a pot.
"I heard you got bitten by one when it was your turn, Malfoy. I'm surprised you didn't run to daddy to get the Mandrake murdered," Ron said bitingly. Draco turned slightly pink and scowled at him.
By the end of the class, Harry, like everyone else, was sweaty, aching, and covered in earth.
They all grimaced.
"That was a particularly bad lesson for needing a good shower afterwards," Ron groaned.
Everyone traipsed back to the castle for a quick wash and then the Gryffindors hurried off to Transfiguration. They were turning beetles into buttons, but all Harry managed to do was give his beetle a lot of exercise.
"You should have asked me to stun it for you, Mr. Potter," Minerva told him.
"I didn't think about it," Harry admitted.
Ron had it worse. His malfunctioning wand kept crackling and sparking. Each time he tried the transfiguration, it engulfed him in thick gray smoke that smelled off rotten eggs. This led to him squashing his beetle which didn't impress the professor.
"You didn't even notice his wand was covered in spellotape and continuously produced a lot of smoke?" Arthur looked at Minerva in astonishment.
"It's not unusual for the classroom to be covered in smoke considering we have Seamus in our house," Neville defended his head of house.
"Even so, the spellotape should have sparked an enquiry. It's entirely pointless as once a wand has been damaged badly enough to require the tape, the tape will do nothing anyway," Bill pointed out.
Harry was relieved when the class ended. Everyone left except him and Ron, who was banging his wand on the desk.
"Well, that is not going to help, Ronald," Percy pointed out.
Harry suggested his write home for another one, but Ron replied he didn't want a howler saying it was his fault his wand got snapped and put the now hissing wand away.
Arthur looked sadly at his son. He felt awful that his son didn't feel able to tell them that something as important of his wand was completely unusable.
"No matter how angry we were with you, we would never have let you spend an entire year with a wand that was broken beyond use," he told Ron quietly. Ron's ears turned red, and he avoided his dad's eyes.
Ron's mood wasn't improved by Hermione showing them her perfect coat buttons.
"Sorry Hermione, it just wasn't a good time," Ron told her. She nodded.
Harry changed the subject. Ron demanded to know why Hermione had outlined all of Lockhart's lessons in hearts on her timetable.
"You didn't?" Sirius asked in disgust. Hermione hid her face in her hands.
"She had a crush," Remus reminded him. "It happens. She was thirteen."
Out in the courtyard, Hermione buried her nose in a Lockhart book while the two boys discussed Quidditch. Harry finally became aware someone was watching him.
"Urgh!" Harry groaned. "I'm so glad Colin calmed down after that year."
"He was a bit of a nightmare, wasn't he?" Ron grinned.
"Several people had to talk to him about the appropriate times to take photographs and that permission is actually required," Percy sighed. So many people had complained about the annoying little first year constantly taking their photograph. Usually, they were just in the way of his attempts to get a picture of Harry.
He saw a first year watching him, clutching an ordinary muggle camera. When he saw Harry looking at him, he turned bright red. He introduced himself as Colin Creevey and asked if he could have a picture. Harry repeated the question blankly and Colin continued that he knew all about him.
Harry scoffed angrily. He hated his fame, but most of all he hated that people assumed they knew him just because they read a couple of crappy, inaccurate books about an event none of them had even been present for.
He kept talking, and eventually asked if he could have a photo with Harry and then if Harry would sign it.
"Well, that ruined any chance he had of getting a photo," Neville smiled. "If he'd asked in private, Harry might well have agreed, but asking in public and then asking if he would sign it…no way."
"Especially considering who overheard," Harry added with a dark look at Draco who smirked.
Malfoy's voice sounded, asking if Harry was giving out signed photos. He stopped right behind Colin, flanked as always by Crabbe and Goyle. He yelled to the crowd that Harry was giving out signed photos.
"You just had to yell it out. When he was right nearby," Harry scowled.
"Sorry," Draco winced. He wouldn't wish Lockhart on anyone, not even his former rival.
"You're lucky I didn't hex you."
Harry told him to shut up. Colin piped up that Malfoy was jealous. Malfoy scoffed at that, saying he didn't want a scar across his head as getting his head cut open didn't make you that special.
"Oh please, if you got a scar like mine, you'd never show your face in public again," Harry scoffed.
"Harry, can't you tell this is just ickle Draco's way of asking you for a signed photo, without having to actually ask," Fred grinned.
"Ah, well, you should have just said so," Harry smirked.
"I do not want a signed photo!"
Crabbe and Goyle were sniggering stupidly.
"They do everything stupidly," Ron scoffed.
Ron told Malfoy to eat slugs.
Draco smirked at Ron who scowled angrily.
Crabbe stopped laughing and started rubbing his knuckles in a menacing way. Malfoy told him to be careful as if he starts any trouble his mummy will come to take him from school. Putting on a shrill voice, he mimicked the howler.
Molly turned red while several people rolled their eyes at Draco's antics.
A knot of Slytherin fifth years nearby laughed loudly at this. Malfoy pointed out that Weasley would like one as a signed photo would be worth more than their whole house.
"I mean, he's probably not actually wrong," Charlie mused, masking his anger. "A signed photo from Harry would fetch a fortune."
"Especially as it would be the only one of its kind," Tonks agreed. "Obviously Harry's never signed anything else before."
Ron whipped out his wand, but Hermione shut Voyages with Vampires with a snap warned them to look out. Lockhart arrived, asking who was giving out signed photos.
"Oh, not him!" Sirius groaned.
"The only person who could possibly make this worse," Remus agreed with a scowl.
"No wonder you didn't smile much that day. That is one heck of a terrible day and it's still lunchtime," Tonks said with a commiserating expression on her face.
Before Harry could speak, Lockhart put an arm around his shoulders and said he shouldn't have asked.
"Get your hands off of him!" Sirius snarled.
"He can't hear you, Padfoot," Remus reminded him though he didn't look impressed either.
"He is very…familiar," Bill noted with a frown.
"Too familiar. It is inappropriate for a teacher to be so familiar with a student, especially one they are not related to," Minerva said, her lips this with disapproval.
Pinned to Lockhart's side and burning with humiliation, Harry saw Malfoy slide smirking back into the crowd.
Draco grimaced while several of the adults scowled at Lockhart's behaviour.
Lockhart told Colin he could have a picture of both him and Harry and said they would both sign it. Colin took the picture just before the bell rang.
"Wow, that kid can't take a hint, can he?" Tonks muttered.
"Well, he wasn't going to say no when Lockhart said he could take the photo, was he?" Fred pointed out fairly.
He walked back to the castle, with Harry still pinned to his side.
Sirius snarled furiously. The teacher's exchanged looks, wondering if Lockhart had behaved this way often with Harry and they hadn't noticed. Had he been overly friendly with the other children as well? Even if there was nothing more sinister behind the over familiarity, it wasn't a good precedent.
Lockhart offered Harry some of his wisdom in a paternal fashion.
Sirius and Remus both growled at the idea of Lockhart behaving in any way paternally with their cub. Especially when neither of them had been able to do so themselves until very recently.
He continued that he'd covered up for Harry with Colin as with him in the photo, his schoolmates won't think he is setting himself up so much.
"Or you just wanted any excuse to have a photo taken of yourself," Fred scoffed angrily.
"I'm honestly surprised he doesn't carry around a camera to take pictures of himself," George muttered.
"He probably just carries around a picture of himself. Probably more than one actually, given how many he has," Ron said.
Ignoring Harry's protests, Lockhart told him handing out signed photographs at this stage of his career wasn't sensible as it looks a tad big-headed.
"He would know. He's the expert on big-headed," Remus scowled.
"What career? He's twelve!" Emmeline pointed out in exasperation.
He continued that there may come a time when he needs to keep a stack handy wherever he goes like Lockhart does, but he isn't there yet.
"That's never happening," Harry stated immediately.
"We didn't think it would," Remus assured him. "We know you're nothing like that moron." Harry smiled.
Once at the classroom, Lockhart finally let Harry go and Harry took a seat at the very back of the class, piling the books in front of him so he didn't need to look at the real thing.
"Except all his books had his stupid face on them," Ron pointed out.
"Not on the spines. I piled them up sideways," Harry reminded him.
"Oh yeah."
"At least they had some use. One book alone wouldn't be enough to block your view of his fat head," Sirius scoffed. A few people chuckled.
Ron and Hermione sat down on either side of Harry. Ron commented that an egg could have been fried on Harry's face and he had better hope Colin doesn't meet Ginny or they will start a Harry Potter fan club.
Ginny turned bright red and glared at her brother.
"They are in the same year and the same house, of course they were going to meet," George pointed out.
"And there is probably already a Harry Potter fan club," Fred added with a smirk. "I bet Draco's the president."
"Shut it, Weasel!" Draco exclaimed.
"Don't say something like that in Lockhart's hearing!" Remus scolded Ron. "If he hears that I dread to think what he'll do."
"He didn't hear me," Ron muttered sheepishly.
Harry told him to shut up as he didn't need Lockhart to hear the phrase "Harry Potter fan club." Once everyone was in class, Lockhart picked up Neville's copy of one of his books. He pointed to the photo of himself on the cover and announced that it was him.
"You don't say," Charlie said sarcastically, rolling his eyes.
He informs them of all his titles before claiming he doesn't talk about his smile award much as he didn't get rid of the Bandon Banshee by smiling at her.
"If he has ever even seen a Banshee I'll eat my hat," Remus scoffed.
"Doesn't like to talk about it? He's mentioned it every single time he's popped up," Emmeline pointed out.
"Wasn't he sorted into Ravenclaw?" Fred wondered.
"Yes," Filius admitted grudgingly.
"But how. He seems so unintelligent it's ridiculous," Sirius pointed out.
"Hmm, he definitely seems to lack common sense and has an ego the size of the planet, but I'm not so sure he's completely stupid," Amelia mused. "There must be some intelligence in there or the hat wouldn't have put him in Ravenclaw."
"But he also wrote seven books, all of which sound horrifically inaccurate. I mean, cornering a transformed werewolf in a phonebooth and surviving?" Remus snorted. Severus shuddered at the very idea.
"If anything, you'd think he'd be a Slytherin," Sirius mused. All of the Slytherins in the room shot him horrified looks. "Well, all we've seen so far is he is full of ambition. No cunning, mind, but plenty of ambition. And he doesn't seem all that brave, smart or hard-working."
"I do believe he was nearly a hatstall, so it is indeed possible the hat believed him suited for Slytherin," Dumbledore said with a slight smile.
He waited for them to laugh; a few people smiled weakly. He congratulated them on buying his books.
"Because you said they had to for school," Bill scowled. It was so wrong that he was allowed to use his position as a teacher to promote his own book sales, especially when there were so many better texts for the subject. It would have been acceptable if he'd only set one or two, but seven books? It was outrageous.
He started the lesson with a quiz. Harry read the first question.
"What does his favourite colour have to do with Defence?" Remus demanded.
"It doesn't," Andromeda said primly.
"Maybe it's just to see if they paid attention to the small details of the book?" Tonks suggested weakly.
"They are supposedly books on Defence Against the Dark Arts. Why is his favourite colour even mentioned?" Kingsley wanted to know. Everyone shrugged.
"Because he has an over-inflated sense of self-importance," Moody grunted in disgust. No wonder these books had been sent back to help with a coming war. With this teaching, nobody would be ready. They'd all be holding their wands backwards or some much nonsense. Or playing around with broken wands.
He read a further two questions.
"Is every single question in his quiz going to be about himself?" Narcissa demanded.
"Yes!" Cried everyone who had been in his classes, even the older Hogwarts students like Percy.
"He did the same quiz for all the years?" Amelia raised an eyebrow in disgust. Susan had complained about the man, but she hadn't known it was this bad. They all nodded.
"It was a year for self-studying," Percy sighed.
On and on it went, over three sides of paper before finishing with a question about his birthday and his ideal gift.
"Well, now he's just putting it out there, so he gets more presents," Charlie scoffed.
After half an hour he collected the papers. He stated that hardly anyone remembered his favourite colour was lilac and that his ideal birthday gift would be harmony between magic and non-magic peoples along with a bottle of Firewhisky.
"Who cares?" Bill snorted.
"Hermione!" Ron and Harry replied at the same time. She shot them both dirty looks.
Ron stared in disbelief while Seamus and Dean laughed silently. Lockhart then calls out Hermione saying she got full marks.
"No surprises there," Tonks said fondly.
"Especially not with the amount of times she read those things," Neville smiled. "I barely ever saw her with another book that year."
Hermione put her face in her hands and groaned. This was going to be such a long, horrible book.
He asked where she was, and Hermione raised a hand. He awarded her ten points. Then lifted a large, covered cage onto his desk. He warned them that they might find themselves facing their worst fears in that room.
"Not until next year. With a good teacher," Ron stated. Remus smiled.
"Right then, I think my worst fear was spending more time with him," Harry muttered. "So, he had a point." A few people chuckled.
He stated that no harm could befall them while he was there.
There were several, loud, disbelieving snorts from all those who had been in the class, and a few that hadn't.
Then he asked them to remain calm. Harry peered around his books to look, and other people were now looking interested. Lockhart told them not to scream and uncovered the cage which was full of Cornish pixies.
"What?" Remus deadpanned.
"All of that build-up, for pixies?" Kingsley scoffed. "They might be a pest, but hardly a dark creature. A simple immobilising charm does the trick."
"They can do quite a bit of damage," Neville muttered grimly.
"Their bite is a bit nasty," Tonks agreed. "But they are fairly easy to deal with. It's not a bad lesson for second years, just the build-up was highly dramatic."
"Everything Lockhart does is highly dramatic," Charlie reminded her.
Seamus snorted with laughter in a way even Lockhart couldn't confuse with terror. He choked out that they weren't very dangerous.
"Do you think he'd have done it, if Seamus had kept his mouth shut?" Ron wondered.
"Probably," Harry sighed.
Lockhart told him not to be sure as they can be tricky. Harry described the pixies and then Lockhart decided to open the cage.
"He did what?" Sirius blinked.
"How many pixies were in the cage?" Andromeda wondered.
"Loads," Harry grimaced. "Way too many."
"He didn't even give you a spell to deal with them," Kingsley stated, frown deepening.
"Based on his reaction, I'm not sure he knew a spell to deal with them," Ron muttered. "Moron."
"He didn't do this in every class, did he?" Tonks wondered.
"No. He learnt his lesson. I'm not sure which type of lesson I preferred though," Harry grumbled.
"Oh, come on Harry, you made such an excellent vampire," Draco smirked. Harry shot him a half-hearted glare. "And werewolf, and a simply perfect hag."
It was pandemonium.
"Well, there's a surprise," Bill muttered sarcastically. "As he said, they are pests and tricky. While easy to deal with, you have to know how to deal with them which a bunch of second years clearly won't."
Two pixies grabbed Neville's ears and lifted him into the air. Several broke the window and the others proceeded to wreck the classroom. Books were shredded, pictures torn from the walls and ink bottles sprayed on the class.
"I think the ink bottles are the biggest loss there," Sirius said.
"They ripped several books in bags too, which were actually useful ones," Neville told him.
Within minutes, Neville was hanging from the chandelier and the class were sheltering under desks. Lockhart called out for them to round them up.
"You didn't tell them how." Filius rolled his eyes.
He rolled up his sleeves, brandished his wand, and bellowed, "Peskipiksi Pesternomi!"
"That's not even a real spell," Amelia groaned. "He basically just said 'pesky pixies pester not me' and squashed it into two words."
"And this is why he didn't teach us to deal with them first. He doesn't know how either," Ron stated.
"Can't handle pixies and yet he wants people to believe he dealt with werewolves, hags, banshees and the like?" Emmeline scoffed.
"Some people do believe it," Kingsley pointed out grimly.
It did nothing.
"No shock there," Ted noted.
A pixie seized his wand and threw it out the window.
"You know, it's probably actually safer that way," Bill mused.
"Definitely," Harry agreed quickly.
gulped and dived under his own desk, narrowly avoiding being squashed by Neville, who fell a second later as the chandelier gave way.
"Were you alright?" Emmeline asked in concern.
"Just a couple of bumps and bruises," he assured her.
The bell rang and there was a mad rush toward the exit. Once it was slightly calmer, Lockhart instructed the trio to nip the rest of them back into their cage before leaving.
"He just left?" Sirius growled.
"It's not like he was doing much good being there. Except being a target, I suppose," Ron pointed out.
"Besides, this way, I could put some of the pixies into his office," Harry grinned.
"That was you!" Fred exclaimed. "We heard all about it, but nobody knew who had done it."
"Lockhart was whining about all of the photos of himself being ruined. Apparently, the pixies got hold of some chalk and drew all over them," George grinned.
"I bet it was an improvement," Ted chuckled.
"Good for you, pup," Sirius grinned at Harry, clapping him on the shoulder. "We'll make a prankster out of you yet." Several people fought back groans at that statement.
Ron asked if they could believe him as he got bitten on the ear. Hermione tried to defend Lockhart, saying he just wanted to give them hands on experience as she immobilised two and put them in their cage.
A few people stared at her in disbelief but made no comment. They knew what it was like to have a first crush, but it was just odd seeing the usually so intelligent girl being so wilfully blind. But then, they supposed she had also had quite a blind faith in books from what they had read so far, as well as great respect for any authority figure. So maybe it wasn't quite so surprising she took longer than the boys to realise he was a fraud. At least consciously.
Harry pointed out he had no clue what he was doing. Hermione reminded him of all the things he had done in his books. Ron muttered that he only said he had done them.
Harry and Ron stared at each other in astonishment.
"I don't even remember saying it," Ron whispered.
"Are you sure there is no seer blood in your family?" Harry hissed. "First the troll, now this. And, talking about second year, didn't you say something about Riddle having murdered Myrtle when we looked at his trophies?"
Ron's eyes widened even further. "I…yeah maybe. I was only joking though."
"That's the end of the chapter," Percy stated. "Well, that was long."
"Let's call it there for the evening," Molly suggested. "I'll get started on dinner."
"Did you want some help, Molly?" Ted offered.
"No, no. Don't you worry. Cooking always helps me think," she admitted. Ted nodded in understanding and the room broke up to do what they wanted until dinner was ready.