Izuku clung for dear life as the Waver sped down the river with a mind of its own. He had thought it a rough ride, out on the open cloud sea with barely a wave to disturb the craft. But on the river, with frothing rapids, twists and turns, porous logs lurking under the surface and spongy rocks poking out of the water, made Izuku feel like someone shoved him inside a washing machine and hit all the buttons. Had the water and the obstacles strewn about it been made out of anything more substantial than clouds, both he and his craft would have been pulverized to dust. As it was, the Waver's springy, steel-reinforced prow was riddled with cracks that grew wider every time Izuku slammed into a rock.

All the while Izuku clung to the craft, the only thought going through his head was a prayer that he would find Mei in one piece.

As his arms felt as though they were approaching a jelly-like consistency, he finally caught up to the rowboat Buggy and Luffy had commandeered. Buggy stood at the prow, chest puffed out and barking orders, and Shanks leaned in the back, blissfully ignoring them, while Luffy grumpily manned the oars.

"Watch out, I can't stop-" That was all Izuku had time to shout before he barreled past them. The wake given off by the Waver made the rowboat lurch. Buggy pinwheeled his arms and floated his body in place, but his feet tumbled into the river. With a cry of panic, Buggy dove in after them.

Before long, Izuku caught sight of another boat. As he got a closer look at the unfamiliar pirates aboard the rowboat, indecision racked Izuku. Would it be better to try to fight them, or zip past them? What if they knew where Mei was? What if they had her? What if-"

Izuku heard shouts of panic from ahead of him. Too late, Izuku realized that the Waver had made the choice for him. He only had time to brace himself before the Waver slammed prow-first into the rowboat. After the vigorous beating the craft had taken, it burst into splinters upon contact with the rowboat, but the keel, made of more stubborn material, drove itself like a wedge through the rowboat's prow, mangling planks and legs alike as it dragged bits and pieces of the rowboat into the water with it.

Izuku himself crashed headfirst into another pirate's face. Izuku, with Tekkai active, came away with a mild tingling sensation. The pirate, not expecting someone to fly skull-first into them, got a crumpled nose, lost half their front teeth, and went tumbling off the boat.

One pirate swung a cutlass at Izuku, but the half of the boat they stood on pitched sideways, dumping him and three others into the river. Izuku's half, still floating steady despite the prodigious structural damage dealt to it, lazily drifted against the shoreline. Izuku leapt for it and rolled on the ground.

Breathing hard and rubbing his shaking arms, Izuku sat up. Bits of driftwood and floating bodies disappeared down a bend. Then he saw a familiar mop of blue hair drifting near the shoreline. Izuku sprinted down, grabbed the scraggly ponytail, and dragged Buggy onto shore.

Once on solid ground, Buggy hacked and coughed up a glob of watery cloud. He hugged his disembodied feet close to his chest and heaved a sigh. "Thought they were goners. I almost didn't find them."

"Did you see Mei at all?"

Buggy rolled his eyes. "Of course that's what's on your mind. Not 'I'm so glad you're okay, Buggy!' or how about, 'Would you like me to dive in and find all the knives that fell out of your pocket when some idiot's Waver rocked the boat and knocked you into the water?' Speaking of…"

A disembodied fist smacked into the side of Izuku's face. Rubbing his swelling jaw, Izuku glared and asked, "What was that for?"

"Do you really need to ask that after what I just said?"

Izuku rewound their conversation and thought back to when he had passed them. "Oops. Sorry about that."

Buggy rolled his eyes. "So, now what?"

Izuku pointed downriver. "We can still follow their boats."

"And stumble right into Shiki! No thanks! I'll head back the way I came, and if I happen to find that girlfriend of yours, I'll let her know you died valiantly trying to rescue her. Okay, bye!"

Buggy took two steps upriver when a loud, bestial roar echoed across the woods. Birds took raucous flight, and rodents scampered out of the undergrowth.

Buggy gulped, then shook his head. "Nope, still better than facing Shiki. Besides, it's no match for my…"

Buggy patted down his coat pockets. Then he checked his pants. He pried off both shoes and came away with a shiv tucked underneath the sole. Buggy glumly held up the tiny blade, in total about as long as his pointer finger, and looked back at Izuku. "You know, she's probably dead already, you're only going to get yourself-"

Izuku stamped away from him. Buggy muttered curses under his breath before running after him. "Hey, wait! I was kidding! I'm sure she's fine, don't leave me alone in this godforsaken jungle!"

Buggy rushed forwards, and nearly ran into Izuku's back. Chuckling nervously, Buggy said, "Thought you were gonna leave me for a bit. Realized that this is a bad idea?"

When Buggy didn't get a response, he stepped around Izuku. The cloud river branched into four paths. Over each path, a sign announced an Ordeal.

"Welp! I guess that's that. We won't have any way of finding those pirates since they could have picked any path. Why don't we head back and let Roger know what happened? He'll figure something out!"

Izuku hesitated before the branching paths. A part of him heard Buggy's suggestion and thought it sensible. That part of him panicked over running ahead by himself, of stumbling into too many pirates and getting himself killed. Those pirates didn't have a reason to kill her, and it only made sense to go back for reinforcements to make sure they got her back in one piece.

But another voice in his head warned him that he couldn't trust those pirates to keep her alive. That they could be hurting her while he stood there. Maybe he wouldn't find anything if he picked one of the four paths. Maybe he would find the pirates and go down fighting. But, could he live with himself if he turned back now?

Izuku's gaze rose to the four signs. He tried to imagine it from the perspective of the pirates coming through. String and ball sounded too innocent. Iron sounded too tough. But a swamp? Boats can sail through a swamp just fine, and if he needed to, Izuku would Geppo across the whole island to get to Mei.

"This way."

"Meat… meat… meat…" Luffy's tongue lolled about as he pulled at the oars.

"You know you don't have to row, right?" Shanks asked. "The current's pushing us downriver."

"Meat!" Luffy swung the oars even faster.

Shanks shrugged, scooped out some soggy cloud with a discarded hat, and went back to sharpening his swords. The gentle scrape-scrape of whetstone on steel filled his ears, until a distant, high-pitched whine made him look up.

"Is that another Waver?" Shanks asked himself. "I thought the rest were broken."

What appeared through the tree line vaguely resembled a Waver, though a ramshackle chassis built around the craft made it much wider. A seat was carved on top of it, and Mei drove the craft effortlessly around a rock in the middle of the river.

Mei pulled up alongside the riverboat. "Hey guys! Did you see Izuku at all?"

"You missed him by about fifteen minutes." Shanks went back to sharpening, then froze. "Hold on. Weren't you captured?"

"By who? Those villains from earlier? Nah, gave them a whack with my gauntlet, then got that shell guy some help with that cut on the head they gave him. Those white hat guys said you all went up the river, so I scavenged those busted Wavers and made this beautiful baby!"

Shanks eyed the Dial-powered jet ski, then looked back at the rowboat. A puddle grew at the bottom of the boat around a crack left when they had commandeered it. Shanks scooped out another hatful of cloud, then asked, "Got any room on that Waver of yours?"

"Sure!" Mei scooted forward and patted the backseat. "I made enough room for Izuku, but I'm sure we can squeeze him in once we find him."

Shanks took in the narrow seating and thought of himself sitting behind her, closely pressed against her back. "Maybe I should sit in the front?"

Mei shrugged. "Sure, hop on."

Shanks stepped off the boat, nearly overturning it, and settled onto the jet ski. As Mei's arms reached around him, grabbing the handles at either side, Shanks realized this position came with its own problems. He could feel Mei's chest pressing into him.

'Stay strong,' Shanks told himself as the jet ski sped down the river. 'You can get any girl in the next port. No need to poach Izuku's catch.'

They hit a snag in the river, and he felt Mei's generous assets squeeze against his muscled back.

'Eh, I can take Izuku.' Clearing his throat, Shanks asked, "So, you and Izuku?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you, well, open to seeing other people?"

"As long as they're not keeping me from working on my babies, I don't care how many people I see."

"No, I mean… wait, do you really not understand?"

"Understand what?"

Shanks took a deep breath. "Alright, now I'm getting confused. You've been screwing with Buggy this whole time, right?"

"Why would I put screws in him? He's not a robot." Hatsume's eyes gleamed. "Or is he?"

"What even is a - no, wait. Let me ask this as bluntly as possible. Are you and Midoriya a thing?"

"Yes, we are a thing."

"Great, just as I-"

"Everything is a thing, isn't it? You're a thing, this jetski's a thing, this river is a thing, that sign we're passing under is a thing."

"A thing, a thing! You know! Together? Rowing oars in bed, tying up-"

"Why would we row oars in bed? Is our bed a boat?"

Shanks facepalmed. "It's a euphemism! Do they not have those where you come from?"

"What's a euphemism?"

Shanks gave a long, suffering sigh. "Please tell me your parents told you where children come from."

"Of course they did!"

"Oh thank god."

"When a mommy and a daddy love each other very much, they weld together two separate helixes each of them made into a unified chain and use that as the blueprint to build the rest of the baby." Mei scratched her head. "I have no idea how you get a blueprint out of a chain, but I bet it's very detailed to get every spec of the human body designed correctly."

Shanks turned around to give her a dumbfounded look. "There's so much to unpack with what you just said that I have no idea where to start."

"I imagine you would start with the brain. That's the most important part, isn't it?"

Under his breath, Shanks mumbled, "Clearly, your brain needs more unpacking."

Criss-crossed shadows fell over them. Shanks looked up and saw an enormous wire cage surrounding them.

"Uh, Mei? Did you say something about a sign earlier?"

"I sure did."

"And what, exactly, did that sign say?"

"I dunno. It said Iron on it, and I thought maybe there'd be some spare parts around here. Sounded better than going to String or Ball."

"Wait. There were more paths?"

"Yep. We could always come back to them once we're done scavenging here."

Shanks looked behind them. The cage extended down to the river from where they had come.

"Something tells me it won't be that easy."

"Meat…" Luffy huffed as he kept rowing. "Meat… meat… string… meat… swamp… meat… iron… meat… ball… meat… ball… meatball…"

Luffy's head snapped up. His arms flailed, and the oars wildly churned up the cloudy river.

"Meatball!"

"You said we'd be fine in the boat!" Buggy shouted as the boat listed to one side.

"It's a swamp!" Izuku dug his oar into the river and shoved the boat out of the invisible hole it had been sinking into. "How was I supposed to know our boat wouldn't float in a swamp?"

"Ohohohohoho!" a creepy voice laughed ominously from inside a maelstrom of clouds. "I see you have stumbled into one of my swamp traps! Welcome, to the Trial of Swamp! I am Gedatsu, and…"

Gedatsu started hacking and coughing. The Shannaran stumbled out of the cloud and gasped for air.

"Phew! Forgot there wouldn't be any air in there. It is I, Gedatsu! My trial has a fifty percent survival rate. That means you are already half-dead!"

Buggy screeched in fear. Izuku scratched his head and said, "I don't think that's how it works."

"Silence, fool!" Gedatsu pointed. "Now prepare yourself, for my clouds strangle the very life out of you! If you get caught in one, you won't be able to breathe no matter how hard you try!"

Izuku and Buggy both looked at each other. "We're over here," Izuku said.

Gedatsu looked over them, then looked back at his finger, pointing the wrong way. "How careless!"

Izuku dipped a hand where the boat had sunk. The cloud came away in a viscous gas, sinking through his fingers. Buggy gulped nervously and asked, "You know, I bet the other pirates took one look at this guy and turned back. Maybe we should turn around too, I bet they went to the String Trial. String is pretty easy, isn't it?"

"String has a zero point five percent chance of survival, which is less than fifty. Therefore! I have the superior trial!"

Buggy and Izuku both looked at each other. "Okay," Buggy admitted, "This guy's an idiot. Let's get him!"

"Hey wait!" Izuku shouted, as Buggy flung his torso out of the boat. A wall of cloud rose in front of him, engulfing Buggy's head. No matter how the cabin boy tried to wrench the cloud off himself, it stayed stuck to his head.

"Ohohohohoho!" Gedatsu laughed. "It is already too late! The cloud will stay stuck in his lungs, no matter how hard he tries to breathe it out!"

"Because it's denser than air, correct?" Izuku asked.

"Uhm… what?"

"Those pit traps, they stay in place because the cloud is denser than air. If it's dense enough, gas stays stuck in your lungs because your lungs can't collapse enough to remove all the gas in them. But, if you were to do a handstand…"

Izuku held Buggy up-side-down. A stream of white cloud drifted out of his mouth, and Buggy took a deep gulp of air.

"I'm alive!" Buggy cried. "Freedom!"

Gedatsu looked amazed. "That really works?"

"Yep!" Izuku explained, "Gravity pulls the denser air out of your lungs when you hang up-side-down like that. Why don't you give it a try?"

"Alright, I will!"

Gedatsu stuck his head in a cloud. Within seconds, his hands started thrashing, and he flailed around wildly. Buggy snickered and said, "Izuku, you're a genius!"

"It's not that impressive," Izuku said. "It's just basic physics."

"If physics is tricking idiots into killing themselves, that wasn't basic, that was a masterclass in manipulation! A flashy firework of falsehood! A… okay, I'm out of words. Let's scram!"

"Alright, give me a second." Izuku stepped out of the boat and went up to Gedatsu.

"Picking his pockets? Good call! Why didn't I think of that?"

"Why would I pick him up by the pockets?" Izuku asked as he flipped Gedatsu on his head.

Buggy's jaw dropped. "Izuku, what the hell are you doing?"

"He wanted to try it out, but he forgot to do the handstand first."

"He was trying to kill us, you idiot! Why are you helping him?"

"I'm not going to let him die! That just feels wrong!"

Buggy grabbed Gedatsu and tried to flip him back up. "And what about us, huh? Isn't it wrong to let us die too?"

"There's got to be another way!"

"Then at least wait until he's unconscious!"

"He still might die if we do that! He needs to get all the air out now!"

"And how is that our problem?"

Gedatsu gasped as the cloud ran out of his lungs. He collapsed on the ground and breathed heavily.

"Alright, time to finish this." Buggy reached for a knife, only to realize they were still missing. "Motherf-"

"Thank you!" Gedatsu gave Izuku a hug as tears spilled messily down his face. "I thought I was a goner! How careless of me!"

Izuku hesitantly returned the hug. "It was no problem really, and partly my fault, I really should've told you to do a handstand first so you wouldn't-"

"I shouldn't have been so mean to you guys!" Gedatsu blubbered over him. "You two are so nice! I would just let you through, but I can't let anyone through until they beat the Trial, our God Gan Fall said so."

"How do we beat the Trial?" Izuku asked.

"By beating me, of course!"

Izuku asked, "Couldn't you say that we did beat you? You needed our help, after all."

Gedatsu gave Izuku a shocked expression. "You're quite right! Then, I, Gedatsu, hereby declare that the two of you have passed the Trial of Swamp! You may continue on your journey."

"Thank you, but we were actually looking for somebody. Has anyone come this way?"

Gedatsu made a thinking noise as he put his hand over his eyes. "The last time was… no, I think it was… hey, where did you go?"

With his hand still covering his eyes, Gedatsu tried to look around. Izuku said, "Your hand's over your eyes."

"Oh! What a silly mistake! And there were quite a few people that came through here. Which one were you looking for?"

Izuku's spirits lifted. "Was any of them a girl with pink hair?"

"Why… yes, about ten years ago?"

Izuku's smile sank. "I mean today. Did anyone come through here today?"

"Oh, why didn't you say so? Exactly zero people have come through here today."

Izuku and Buggy both groaned. "So, we need to go back?"

"Heavens, no! If your friend survived the Trial, these rivers all go to God's realm anyways. You will surely find her there, since mine is the hardest trial of all."

"Well, that's a relief. Could you show us the way through the swamp?"

"Absolutely! Just follow me."

Gedatsu took one step and promptly fell into a cloud. Izuku let out a sigh as he held him up-side-down again.

"Ooh, how do you get the metal to bend like that?" Mei asked as she stuck her face far closer to the razor-sharp, bending stretch of cloud than she should have. "And how does it retain its hardness? It's not even bending a little when red-hair smacks his sword at it."

"Mei," Shanks said through gritted teeth, "Mind getting out of the way? This guy's – whoa! – not a joke."

"Eh? Sure, gimme a minute. I just need to grab a sample of this if I can."

Mei tried to scoop off a piece of the cloud, but it vanished the moment she got a clump of it to separate.

"Darn, it must be tied to the Dial somehow."

"Do you mind?" Ohm asked. "We're in the middle of a duel."

"Actually," Shanks said, "Why don't you ask him more about it? Get in real close, have a nice conversation."

"Ooh, a great idea!" Hatsume strode up to Ohm, who anxiously backed away from the maniacally grinning girl approaching him. "You're using two Dials in tandem, right? Which ones, and how do you get the two effects to stack together? I've been using two Dials as well, but I'm not really combining them, just using them together."

Ohm frantically wove his Eisen Whip around Mei to block Shanks' stab around Mei's neck. "Miss, if you're not going to fight in the Trial, then please back away. I will kill you if I have to. It is my duty as the guardian of God's Domain, and I will not fail."

"But I'm not here for that trial whatzit thingy. I'm here for the Iron!"

"So you are here for the Trial."

"Are you deaf? I just said I'm not here for that! So, how do I get some? Are you giving away Dials, or do I just get some of that cloud?"

"You want my Dials?" Ohm asked, veins popping on his forehead. "Beat the Trial, and you can have them."

"Really? Okay!"

Ohm blanched and tried to raise his Eisen Whip, but Mei was already well into his personal space. She simply raised her right hand, pointed the Reject Dial at him, and pushed a button. With a deafening roar, Ohm went flying across the cage of iron-cloud, slamming into the far wall and collapsing in a heap on the ground. His dog Holy ran over and started chest compressions on the unconscious priest.

Once Shanks and Mei made their way over, Ohm coughed and weakly sat up. His sunglasses were cracked, and his green tank top had a huge rip down the back.

"I failed in my duty to kill all who trespass upon God's domain."

"Yeah, um, sorry about the whole trespass thing," Shanks said as he sheathed his swords. "We're just looking for our friends. You didn't happen to see anyone else, did you?"

"No. If they went down the other paths, they will no doubt reach God's domain as well. Simply follow the river, and you will reach him."

"Great, thanks!" Shanks turned away, but Mei remained standing before the fallen priest. Ohm looked up at her and asked, "Are you going to finish me off? It is only natural, given human nature. You have bested me. I am ready."

Mei held out her hand. Ohm stared at it, confused. He reached out for it, but Mei pulled her hand away.

"The Dials?" Mei asked.

Ohm stared at her in disbelief. Then, with a sigh, he handed over his Eisen Whip.

"Thanks!" Mei bounded off, leaving the priest and his dog staring perplexed after her.

"Meat!" Luffy bellowed as he rowed headlong into the field of floating cloud balls.

"Ho, ho hoooo!" A spherical, white-clad priest bounded from branch. "I am Satori, and I-"

A cloud drifted close to Luffy. Still rowing like mad, Luffy's jaw extended and scooped the cloud whole. He swallowed, and bellowed, "Meat!"

"The contents of the Surprise Clouds are completely random. Even I don't know what-"

Luffy rowed underneath the priest, gobbling up every Surprise Cloud in sight. Satori huffed and asked angrily, "Are you even listening to me!"

"Meatballs!"

"Alright, that's it! Surprise cloud billiards!"

Satori flung a cloud into the suspended field. One collision led to two, making four more, until every cloud bounced in Luffy's direction. Luffy's jaw stretched even wider, gobbling up every cloud at once.

"Exactly according to plan!" Satori shouted. "And now that you have swallowed them all, the slightest disturbance will set them all off!"

Satori leapt in front of Luffy and rammed an impact dial in his stomach. Luffy's bloated body bulged inward, absorbing the blow without letting a single cloud burst. Luffy looked down, saw the white sphere before him, and drooled. "Meat…"

"Uh…" Satori hastily backed away, but even the Dials in his feet couldn't save him from Luffy's appetite. Stuck next to all his Surprise Clouds, Satori could only watch as Luffy ate another one. It popped, and Luffy happily chewed on an entire smoked ham.

"Huh. That one actually was meat."

In the ruined remains of the Trial of String, Shura lay amidst the severed remains of his String Clouds. The jagged stump of his lance, its Heat Dial pilfered, lay in his limp fingers, while its jagged shards lay strewn about the cratered clouds.

Shura let out a ragged breath and said, "God, please forgive me."

A/N: a Merry Christmas to you all! This year's holiday treat, in addition to this regular update, includes another Deku Ex Machina holiday special and a Christmas one-shot where chibi-Izuku accidentally sends his Christmas wish to the wrong person. I'm sure that won't have any consequences. Wink.

And now for some review responses:

TheGreatBubbaJ: "Observation already? And so strong too, neat."

Bardothren: it felt fitting, given Izuku's hobby.

Mernom: "I don't think I've seen any stories set before the Golden Age of the Pirates. Interesting idea."

Bardothren: that's actually part of what made me want to do it. The Golden Age is a canvas to do what you will with it - especially if you let time travel shenanigans really mess things up.

Alright, that's it for this week. Once again, Merry Christmas, feel free to leave some follows, faves, and reviews, and check out Dear Satan and Deku Ex Machina for some Christmas fun! See you all in two weeks!