Opening Montage
Music: "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles
First shot is Quinn seated on a train. Jim takes the seat next to her and they start talking. Cut to a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding five years later. Then cut to a hospital room a few years later and we see an exhausted Quinn and smiling Jim holding newborn triplets. Cut to present day and we see the now nine-year-old triplets. Teddy is reading a book while Tommy and Timmy fight over the video game controller. Cut to Teddy rolling his eyes disdainfully at his immature brothers. Next, cut to a shot of Jim working on a car while a tripod mounted camera records the whole thing. Next shot is Quinn making a S'mores 'n' Pores video in the kitchen. Next shot is Jim chatting with Jamie, Chuck and Kevin over beer while Brittany and Daryl make out in the background. Next shot is Jamie teaching a history class at Lawndale High. He notices that the current quarterback is making out with his cheerleader girlfriend in class, causing Jamie to have a DeMartino-style meltdown. Next, we see Teddy hanging out on the playground with a girl his age who is visibly of mixed European/East Asian heritage. They watch the 'normal' kids play with visibly disdain, implying that this girl is the Jane to Teddy's Daria. Next, we see Quinn, Jim and the triplets stand on the front lawn and smile at the audience. The following caption appears under them...
Lawndale
S 3, Ep.3
"Kevin, Portrait of a QB"
written by
WildDogJJ
Act I
Thompson House, day...
Kevin, Jim, Jamie, Chuck and Chris were sitting on the porch drinking beer while listening to the radio.
"Ya know what I like about Saturday afternoon," said Kevin, "We get to listen to Jock and Chad on Sports 104."
Added Chris, "Beats listening to the police scanner on my job."
"Quiet, guys," said Jamie, "It's back on."
"Turn it up, Chuck," said Jim.
Chuck turned up the radio.
"Welcome back to Jock and Chad," said one of the voices on the radio, "I'm Jock!"
Added a second voice, "And I'm Chad, the Ultimate Ladies Man, and this show is brought to you by Wranglers Steak House and Saloon, the Ultimate Taste of The West."
"Oh, yeah, dude," said Jock, "those rustler rib eyes are the best in New Jersey and, speaking of the best, how about Lawndale High's game against Oakwood last night. That was one for the books!"
"You said it, buddy," Chad continued, "the Lions totally annihiliated the taproots 42 to zip!"
Jock went on. "All thanks to the new quarterback, sophomore Steve Wilson! He threw six touchdown passes. It was phenominal!"
"That it was, buddy," said Chad, "It's only his first season as a starter and he's just one game away from tying Lawndale High's single season touchdown pass record."
"Which brings us to our Jock and Chad trivia question of the day," said Jock, "Who currently holds that record and what year did he do it? First caller with the answer gets a free football autographed by Eli Manning!"
Upon hearing this, all of the guys whipped out their cellphones and dialed. Chuck got through first.
"Hello, you're on Jock and Chad," answered Jock, "Tell us a little about yourself."
Chuck introduced himself. "Charles Ruttheimer the Third, founder and manager of Feisty IT Service."
"Alright, Charles," said Chad, "Which quarterback currently holds Lawndale High's single-season touchdown pass record and what year did he do it?"
Chuck answered correctly. "Kevin Thompson, 1998."
Lawndale High, Friday night...
The game is in full swing. Lawndale was playing against Riverton and both teams were tied at 21 points. In the stands were the Carbones (Quinn, Jim and the triplets), the Whites (Jamie, Nicole and Rachel), the Ruttheimers (Chuck, Stacy, Chucky and Q) and some of the Thompsons (Kevin, Kevin Jr. and Angie). Not all the Thompsons were in the stands because Brittany was on the sidelines as the cheerleading coach while the twins, Nikki and Lisa, were among the cheerleaders.
"Hey, guys," said Jim, "you think Kevin minds having his old record tied."
Jamie shook his head. "I don't think so."
"Will he even notice," asked Nicole in a sardonic tone.
"He will," said Quinn, "but I think he'll be okay with it."
"Of course I'm okay with it," said Kevin, "records are, like, made to be tied."
At this point, the announcers voice came over the loudspeakers. "Well, we have five seconds left on the clock. If Lawndale doesn't score on the next play then we're going into overtime. With the last three touchdowns Lawndale quarterback is just one touchdown pass shy of tying the Lions' single season touchdown record. As an added bonus, the current record holder Kevin Thompson is in the stands tonight. Let's give him a round of applause."
Kevin stood up as everyone else in the stands applauded. Kevin then pointed out onto the field. "GO GET 'EM, STEVE!"
On the field, the cheerleaders made a cheer. At the center were twins Nikki and Lisa Thompson, both of whom look like gender-flipped versions of their father in his teens.
"LET'S GO, LIONS, LET'S GO! LET'S GO, LIONS, LET'S GO!"
The two teams lined up.
"There's the snap," said the announcer.
Lawndale's wide receiver ran into the end zone. The quarterback, Steve Wilson, threw the ball. The ball went right into the wide receiver's hands.
"TOUCHDOWN, LAWNDALE!"
The whole crowd lept out of their seats and cheered. This was followed by a loud buzzing sound.
"And with that, time expires," said the announcer, "The final score is Lawndale: 27, Riverton: 21! Lawndale wins! As an extra-special treat, quarterback Steve Wilson now ties Kevin Thompson with the most touchdown passes in a single season!"
On the field, Steve took off his helmet to reveal his blonde locks and movie-star handsome face. Steve ran to the sidelines and pointed up the bleachers at Kevin.
"YOU THA MAN, MR. THOMPSON!"
Kevin acknowledged the praise.
"THANKS, DUDE!"
Thompson house, the next day...
Kevin paced excitedly around the living room while Jim, Jamie and Chris sat on the couch.
"Man," said Kevin, "I can't believe I'm gonna be on Jock and Chad! Thanks for coming to, like, provide moral support guys."
"No problem," said Jamie.
Added Jim, "Sorry Chuck couldn't be here, but he has to oversee a major IT upgrade at Happy Herbs."
Kevin shrugged this off. "It's okay."
"Why isn't Brittany here," asked Chris, "She's your wife."
Kevin explained. "She has a workout session with Daryl. She took my Hummer so she could give him a ride to the gym."
"What's wrong with her car," asked Jim.
"Nothing," said Kevin, "but she insisted on the Hummer, and I can't say no to my babe."
Meanwhile, at the quarry...
Kevin's Hummer was rocking violently and Brittany's passionate screams could be heard coming from inside.
"OH...GOD...DARYL...YES...GIVEITTOME...YES...DARYL...HARDER...YYYEEEEESSSSSSSS!"
Thompson house...
Jim, Jamie and Chris frowned as it's obvious that even after fourteen years and a mountain of evidence Kevin STILL can't figure out that his wife is having an affair with her personal trainer. Before anyone could say anything, however, the phone rang. Kevin eagerly picked it up.
"Like, hello?"
"Hello, Mr. Thompson," said Jock on the other end, "You're on the Jock and Chad Show."
Added Chad, "Thanks for agreeing to an interview."
"Like, no problem, bro," said Kevin.
"Tell us your amazing story," said Jock, "When did you achieve this record?"
Kevin smiled as he LOVES to relive his glory days. "It was a game against Middlebury. There were, like, three seconds left on the clock, and we were down five points and on the fifty-yard line. We needed a touchdown to win..."
Lawndale High, 1998...
Music: "Nice Guys Finish Last" by Green Day
The stands were full, and the score was 26 to 21. The spectators consisted of all the familiar characters, including the fashion club. At the sidelines, Brittany led the other cheerleaders.
"LIONS, LIONS, SHOW WHO'S BOSS! TURN THE MONARCHS' WIN INTO A LOSS! GOOOOOOO LAWNDALE!"
In the media booth, Chuck was providing commentary.
"Well, it's Lawndale: twenty-one, Middlebury: twenty-six! The Lions have three seconds to cover fifty yards if they wanna make the touchdown! Can they do it?"
The two teams line up on the fifty-yard line.
"HIKE!"
Mack hiked the ball to Kevin while the linemen blocked. Jamie ran towards the goal line.
"There's the snap," said Chuck, "Wide receiver Jamie White is going long! It's gonna be a Hail Mary Pass."
Kevin hurled the ball through the air. Time seemed to slow as the ball sailed more than fifty yards. As the ball began to lose altitude Jamie was in the endzone. He reached up and caught Kevin's very long pass.
"TOUCHDOWN, LAWNDALE! KEVIN THOMPSON HAS JUST SNATCHED VICTORY FROM THE JAWS OF DEFEAT AND SET A NEW RECORD FOR MOST TOUCHDOWN PASSES IN A SINGLE SEASON!"
The whole crowd leapt out of their seats and cheered wildly. That was when the buzzer sounded.
"Final score," said Chuck, "Lawndale: twenty-seven, Middlebury: twenty-six! THE LIONS WIN BY A SINGLE POINT!"
On the field, Kevin took off his helmet and did a fist pump.
"AWRIGHT!"
Thompson house, 2023...
Kevin finished his story.
"...it was, like, the most awesome thing ever!"
Jamie actually looked a little disappointed. "How come no one remembers that I'm the one who actually caught that pass?"
"Well," Chris explained, "Kevin's the quarterback. Quarterbacks get ALL the glory."
"Think of it this way," said Jim to Jamie, "you're a war hero. That Steve kid will probably break Kevin's record at the next game, but your military valor will always stand."
Jamie immediately felt better. "Thanks, man."
Kevin, having overheard, suddenly froze as the implication set in.
"Kevin," said Jock on the phone, "Earth to Kevin! You still there, buddy?"
Kevin said nothing but had a haunted expression on his face.
Lawndale high, the following Friday night...
The game has just started and everyone's there.
"Well," said the announcer, "Lawndale's at the fifteen-yard line. This next play could be it! A new single-season touchdown pass record!"
In the stands, Kevin was unusually quiet but had a very anxious expression.
"There's the snap," said the announcer.
On the field, two of the opposing team's line men have just broken through Lawndale's defenders. Before Steve could get rid of the ball he was slammed into the ground by said linemen...hard.
"OH, MAN," said the announcer, "I'VE NEVER SEEN A SACK THAT HARD! We felt that one all the way up here in the booth!"
After the play, Steve started to get up when...
"AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MY LEG!"
He fell right down on the grass.
"OH, NO," said the announcer, "STEVE WILSON APPEARS TO BE SERIOUSLY INJURED!"
Soon, medical staff came onto the field and looked Steve over. Then came the stretcher.
"This isn't good," said the announcer, "Steve Wilson appears to be so badly hurt that he has to be carried on a stretcher!"
In the stands Kevin was visibly relieved.
Build Better Fitness Club, the next day...
Quinn and Nicole were working out on the elliptical machines while talking about the game.
"That was some sack," said Quinn, "I hope that kid's okay."
"Me too," said Nicole, "it looked to me like his leg was pretty messed up. I've never seen someone take a sack that hard in a high school game."
Quinn sighed. "I just hope this doesn't kill Lawndale's shot at State. That'd be a PR disaster."
It was at this point that Steve Wilson entered the gym. He was in crutches as his entire left leg was in a cast. He hobbled over to the free weights but, rather than lift, he just sat on a bench and let out a forlorn sigh. Seeing this, both Quinn and Nicole turned off their machines and walked over to him.
"Hey," said Nicole in a sympathetic tone, "you okay?"
Steve sighed again. "No."
"Anything we can do to help," asked Quinn.
"I wish," said Steve in a bitter tone, "I've got a broken ankle and a torn ACL. Coach says I'm out for the rest of the season."
"I'm sorry," said Quinn.
Added Nicole, "You were phenominal out there."
"Thanks," said Steve, who looked and sounded like he was about to cry.
Quinn put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "You're only a sophomore. You just have to heal up and you can come back next season."
Steve sighed. "You know what really sucks about all this," he said, "I was really looking forward to breaking Mr. Thompson's old record." He sighed again. "Fat chance of that now."
"So," said Quinn, "you still tied the record. Trust me, I actually knew Kevin back then. Just tying the record is a major accomplishment."
Added Nicole, "Yeah, you're still a legend."
Steve said nothing. Instead, he buried his face in his hands and cried. Quinn and Nicole now didn't know whether to feel sympathetic or awkward.
The following Friday night...
Lawndale is playing against Pineburg. Everyone's in the stands.
"Man," said Kevin, "it's, like, a huge relief knowing my record's not gonna get broken."
Jim rolled his eyes. "You know, Kevin, you really should have some sympathy for that kid."
Added Jamie, "Yeah, dude. Acting happy that he's out for the season is kinda unsportsmanlike."
Everyone then turned their attention back to the game. Lawndale was on the twenty-five yard line.
The announcer spoke. "Well, it's a shame what happened last week but at least the second string quarterback has gotten within striking distance. Too bad Steve Wilson is out for the season. We wish him all the best."
Suddenly, Lawndale called a time out. In the stands, everyone was wondering what's going on.
"Why's the quarterback going to the sidelines," asked Quinn.
That's when the surprise announcement came over the loud speaker.
"We have a last minute substitution! STEVE WILSON'S GONNA PLAY!"
Everyone gasped in shock as Steve hobbled onto the field. The two teams lined up. Instead of a standard hike, the center just handed Steve the ball while the other team just stayed in place and didn't even try to get the ball. Pineburg didn't even try to cover Lawndale's receivers. Steve then hobbled over to the five-yard line while one of his receivers walked into the endzone, with zero opposition from Pineburg. Steve then lightly tossed the ball right into the receivers hands.
"TOUCHDOWN, LAWNDALE! INCREDIBLE! EVEN WITH A BROKEN ANKLE AND TORN ACL, STEVE WILSON HAS MANAGED TO BREAK THE RECORD FOR MOST TOUCHDOWN PASSES IN A SINGLE SEASON!"
While most of the fans cheered, our main characters had a different reaction.
"HEY," Jim yelled, "THAT'S NOT FAIR!"
Quinn was equally livid. "THEY JUST LET LAWNDALE SCORE ON PURPOSE!"
WHAT THE FUCK, YOU GUYS," Jamie shouted.
Kevin looked like he'd just been stabbed in the heart.
Act II
Lawndale High, night...
The stadium lights were out, and everyone had gone home but it was a clear night with a full moon, so the stadium was visible. In the bleachers Kevin sat alone trying to drown his sorrow with a case of beer. His single-season touchdown pass record had been broken in a manner that was especially hurtful. Steve Wilson, the injured quarterback, was brought back for a single play. During said play Steve and one of the receivers were allowed to just walk to the endzone and make a touchdown pass. Kevin found it especially hurtful as he'd earned the record back in his quarterback days while Steve's record was just given to him out of sympathy. Kevin took a swig of beer and sighed as someone approached.
"Yo, Kevin," said Jamie as he sat next to his former teammate, "You okay, man?"
"No," said Kevin as he finished his beer. He then opened another. "Like, how could they do that? How could they just give Steve Wilson a record he didn't earn?"
Jamie sighed. "Things aren't like they were when we played varsity ball. It's a totally different world now, man. A world that gives you trophys just for showing up, won't let you speak your mind because you might offend someone and gives people records they didn't earn just so they'll feel better about themselves. It's total bullshit, man. I'm a decorated combat veteran, but I had to actually get my real legs blown off in Iraq to get my medal."
Jamie emphasized the last point by lifting a pants leg, revealing the titanium rid he now has for a shin. He then lowered the pants leg and continued.
"Now? Now they probably give decorations just so guys feel better. It sucks!"
"Like, damn right it sucks," said Kevin, "I've got nothing now, man."
Jamie didn't know what to say. He definitely wasn't about to point out how Kevin has gone from being the big man on campus to an out-of-shape, middle-aged chronic unemployable whose wife is banging her personal trainer on the side.
Kevin continued his self-pitying monologue. "This just, like, reminds me that the best years of my life are over. I'm not the QB anymore, I'm fat, I'm bald, I'm stupid, I can't hold a job and I couldn't even graduate high school without doing senior over and being heavily tutored by Quinn. My life totally sucks!"
Jamie tried to comfort his friend and former teammate. "It's not all bad, man. You've still got some good things in life."
Kevin started to feel better. "True, man. I've still got you and the other guys. I've got a hot babe for a wife and five great kids. Heck, one of my kids is even black. Like, I'm a white guy who actually knocked Brit up with a black kid. That's pretty cool."
Jamie didn't dare tell Kevin that Kevin Jr.'s black because his real father is Daryl.
County offices, a few days later...
A school board meeting was in full swing. This meeting was open to the public so that people could voice concerns about various issues. One such person in attendance was Quinn. The board patiently listened as Quinn aired her greivences about what happened at the game.
"Steve Wilson didn't earn his record," said Quinn, "the rightful holder of Lawndale High's single season touchdown pass record is Kevin Thompson. Steve shouldn't even have been on the field that night because he's on the injured list. He was given a literal free pass. As President of The Lawndale Boosters, I strongly oppose this outrage and on behalf of all those with a sense of fairness ask that it not stand."
The superintendant, a skinny aging hipster, was not at all swayed.
"Mrs. Carbone, Steve Wilson is a shinning inspiration. He overcame injuries to achieve a major accomplishment."
Quinn was quickly losing her patience. "He didn't achieve anything and we all know it! A record has to be earned, not given! When I was in high school I was Vice President of the Fashion Club and I wouldn't have been if I hadn't put in the work to be attractive and popular while keeping fully abreast of all things fashionable! I earned good enough grades to go to a good college after graduating! I worked hard to be known as YouTube's S'mores 'n' Pores girl! I worked for everything I have, nothing was ever given to me. Is it too much to expect others to do the same?"
"Mrs. Carbone," said the superintendant, "Steve has a debilitating injury! It's unfair to expect that of him right now."
"So," Quinn protested, "You just give him a free ride!?"
"Mrs. Carbone," the superintendant growled, "He needed help, so we gave him help!"
Quinn had a counter-point. "What makes a record special is that few people can do it."
The superintendant countered with "It is a fact that self-esteem is essential to a teenager's mental health. We helped Steve Wilson regain the self-esteem that was lost when he got injured." The superintendant then turned to his fellow board members. "All in favor of removing Steve Wilson's accomplishment from the record books?"
No one raised a hand.
"All opposed?"
Everyone, including the superintendent, raised their hands.
"The nays have it," said the superintendent, "Steve Wilson's record for single season touchdown passes stands." He then looked at a clipboard. "Next item...motion to add gender-specific pronouns to the list of unacceptable hate speech. All in favor?"
Another unanimous show of hands followed.
"Motion carries, from now on addressing anyone by gender specific pronouns on school grounds is hate speech."
Quinn struggled to contain her disbelief.
Thompson house, day...
Kevin sat alone on the living room sofa wearing just a wife-beater and boxer shorts. On his face was three-day stubble and a very morose expression.
It's over, man. My life is so over.
It was at this point that Jim, Jamie, Chuck and Chris entered.
"Hey, Kevin," said Jim, "since your wife and kids are out we figured we'd come over and see how you're doing."
Kevin said nothing. He just sighed.
"Kevin," said Chuck, "can we get you anything?"
"Yeah," said Kevin in a bitter time, "A time machine, so I can go back and be the QB again."
Given Kevin's stupidity the other guys weren't sure if Kevin was being sarcastic or serious.
"Come on, man," said Jim, "so your old record was broken, so what?"
"Yeah, man," added Jamie, "It's not like you lost your legs in a war."
Added Chris, "Or have an ex-wife who took everything from you in the divorce."
Jim shot his brother a stern look. "Not helping, Chris."
"You guys, like, don't get it," said Kevin, "I was the best QB since Tommy Sherman. I should've, like, be a huge star in the NFL. Am I? No! I'm a total loser. A LOSER!"
"Um, Kevin," said Jim with concern in his voice, "are you developing insight, or just really drunk?"
Chuck saw the half empty whiskey bottle on the end table. "It's the latter."
Kevin sighed. "Like, I've got nothing to live for, man!"
The other guys all exchanged worried looks.
"I'll check the house for guns," said Jamie.
Added Jim, "Chuck, get rid of all the sharp objects while I deadbolt the upstairs windows."
"I'll go through the drawyers and get rid of all the draw strings," said Chris, "I've been called in on enough suicides to know that no one ever thinks of those."
The others knew that last statement was true as Chris is a cop.
"Relax, guys," said Kevin, "I'm not gonna, like, kill myself or anything. I...I just wanna feel good about myself again."
Kevin proceeded to cry, which made all of the guys visibly uncomfortable.
Casa Carbone, evening...
Quinn and Jim were in bed, preparing to call it a night.
"I'm worried about Kevin," said Jim, "ever since his old record was taken away he's been acting weird." Pause. "You know, more than usual."
Quinn sighed. "I know. I tried to tell the school board that this isn't right, but they just won't budge. The sad thing is that I kind of feel like this is my fault."
Jim, who knew about Quinn and Nicole's attempt to comfort Steve when he showed up at the gym, reassured his wife. "Quinn, it's not your fault. You and Nicole saw how bad Steve was taking being out for the rest of the season and tried to cheer him up. You tried to encourage him to see the bright side, not use his disappointment as an excuse to be given something he clearly doesn't deserve." Jim suddenly had an idea. "You know, you might've had more luck with the school board if you told them how this is affecting Kevin."
Quinn immediately shot down the idea. "And subject Kevin to public humiliation on top of everything else? No way."
Jim had to admit that she had a point. "You're right. If losing his record is making Kevin act like this then I don't wanna see how he'd react to everyone knowing that he's a head case." He let out a defeated sigh. "I guess all we can do is keep trying to cheer Kevin up until he snaps out of this."
Lawndale High, Thursday...
A huge pep rally is being held at the stadium for Friday night's game. The coach, a heavy-set guy with a perpetual scowl, was at the podium in front of the bleachers.
"AWRIGHT, LADIES," the coach barked into the microphone, "Tomorrow night, we play Milltown. Tomorrow night...WE BEAT MILLTOWN!"
The whole crowd of students erupted into thunderous applause.
"Now," the coach continued, "before we get all worked up, we should remember the miracle at last Friday's game. Steve Wilson has the record for most single season touchdown passes. Did he let a broken ankle stop him? No! Did he let a torn ACL stop him? No! He wanted it...AND HE GOT IT!"
The whole crowd erupted in cheers again. Off to the side, Jamie (who's a history teacher at the school) rolled his eyes. This is such BULLSHIT! One of his eyes actually bulged in a DeMartino like manner when he thought that.
In crutches, Steve made his way to the podium. "Thank you," he said, "Thank you. Man, to achieve something like this. To do it with a busted up leg. It's like a dream come true. Now, I can die happy, but I won't. What I'm gonna do is heal up an' come back better than ever. You think winning the record for most touchdown passes in a season is something? Just you wait, 'cause you ain't seen nothing yet! Next season, I'm gonna take us all the way to State! Next season, we're gonna win State! I'm not satisfied...I'M JUST GETTING STARTED!"
Everyone cheered. Once they calmed down, Steve continued.
"I'd like to give a shout-out to Coach, for believing in me! My teammates, for having my back and helping me kick ass! Finally, my girlfriend! I LOVE YOU, BAE!"
Two girls stood up in the stands and simultaneously shouted "I LOVE YOU, STEVE!" The two girls then exchanged hostile looks as they clearly did not know about each other.
Off to the side, Jamie sighed. Some things never change.
No one noticed a pudgy man in a ski mask lurking behind the bleachers.
School hallway, a short time later...
Steve was hobbling on his crutches while talking to some of his teammates.
"Great speech, man," said one football player.
"Yeah," said another, "that was awesome."
"Thanks, guys," said Steve with faux modesty. He then noticed that they were by the restrooms. "I gotta take a leak. Catch you guys later."
A chorus of "later, dude" came from the other jocks as they continued while Steve hobbled into the restroom.
Boys' restroom, a few seconds later...
Steve was alone, or so he thought. As he relieved himself at a urinal he didn't notice one of the toilet stall doors open, not did he see a pudby man in a black ski mask emerge from the stall and sneak up behind him. Suddenly, the intruder grabbed Steve from behind, muffling his voice with a chloroform-soaked tissue. Steve was too shocked to react before passing out from the chloroform.
A basement somewhere, a few hours later...
Steve began to regain consciousness. He was shocked fully awake when he noticed that he was tied to a chair with a ball gag in his mouth. He then noticed the pudgy man in a ski mask standing right in front of him.
"MMMMMMMMMMMMMM! MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!"
The kidnapper took off his mask. It's Kevin!
"Guess what, dude," said Kevin with a crazed look in his eyes, "You're, like, gonna help me get my old record back..." He then reached for a nearby shotgun and aimed it right at Steve. "...or I'm gonna, like, totally blow your head off! Myah...HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA,HHHHHHAAAAAAAAHHH, HHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"
Steve was so terrified that he wet his pants.
Act III
Thompson house, evening...
Brittany was carrying a hamper full of dirty laundry as she made her way to the basement. She opened the door and went down the stairs. What she saw down there made her drop the laundry and gasp in shock. Lawndale High's missing quarterback, Steve Wilson, was tied to a chair with a ball gag in his mouth.
"Mmmmph! MMMMMMPPPPPHHHHHHH!"
"Uh," said a nervous Brittany, "I'll be right back!"
She frantically ran up the stairs.
The living room, a short time later...
Kevin sat on the couch watching a football game on TV.
"TOUCHDOWN!"
Kevin jumped up and did a fist pump.
"AWRIGHT!"
That was when a visibly upset Brittany approached. "Kevie," she said, "why's Steve Wilson tied up in our basement!?"
"eep!"
Casa Carbone, a few seconds later...
Quinn, Jim and the triplets were in the kitchen eating dinner. Tommy was, as usual, bragging about his day.
"...so I told Shane to take his opinion and stick it up his ass."
"TOMMY," Jim barked.
"What," said Tommy, "I stood up to a bully."
"Yes," said Quinn, "but do you have to be so crude about it when you tell the story."
Timmy immediately sprang to his brother's defense. "But, Mom..."
Jim interrupted. "GODDAMMIT, TIMMY! How many time have I told you that it's disrespectful to contradict us!?"
Quinn turned her wrath on her husband. "Dammit, Jim!"
Jim was genuinely puzzled by the reaction. "For chrissake, Quinn! If we let them question our authority then they'll grow up to be hedonistic criminals!"
Quinn rolled her eyes. Before the budding argument could continue, however, the phone rang.
"I'll get it," said a frustrated Quinn as she got up from her seat and answered the phone. "Hello?" Her face turned white as a fresh washed sheet as she listened. "Relax, Brittany, I'll be right there!"
Jim and the boys exchanged worried looks with each other.
Thompson house, a few minutes later...
Brittany was leading Quinn through the downstairs hallway.
"Okay, Brittany," said Quinn, "what's this urgent emergency?"
Brittany opened the door to the basement. "I'd better just show you."
They went downstairs.
Upon seeing Steve Wilson tied up and gagged, Quinn did an immediate face palm. "Dammit, Kevin!"
The Thompson's living room, an hour later...
Quinn was telling Kevin and Brittany how she'd fixed the problem.
"Well," said Quinn, "Steve's safely back home and I was able to convince them not to press charges."
"Thanks, Quinn," said Brittany.
"Don't thank me yet," said Quinn. She then turned her attention to Kevin. "Dammit, Kevin, what the hell!?"
"Um," said Kevin, "I was, like, thinking I could hold Steve hostage and make a deal. Like, they restore my record and I return Steve safe and sound."
Quinn did another face palm. "Dammit, Kevin, that has got to be the stupidest idea you've ever had, and you've had some REALLY stupid ones over the years!"
"Like," said Kevin, "I thought it was pretty cool."
Brittany immediately jumped down her husband's throat. "Dammit, Kevin, I'm the cheerleading coach at Lawndale High!"
Kevin clearly didn't get it. "Like, so?"
"So," Brittany hissed, "I could've been fired over this!"
Quinn explained further. "Dammit, Kevin, kidnapping is a federal felony! Your little stunt could've landed you in prison for kidnapping and extortion AND cost your wife her job! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING, YOUNG MAN!"
Kevin obviously hadn't considered those possibilities until Quinn pointed them out. "AW, MAN," he said with a face palm. This was followed by a goffy yet sincere apology. "Sorry."
Both Quinn and Brittany rolled their eyes.
"Dammit, Kevie," Brittany barked, "you could've ruined the whole family with what you did!"
"Like," said Kevin, "I'm sorry, babe."
Quinn rolled her eyes. "Do you have any idea how much trouble I just saved you from!?"
Kevin sank in his chair and frowned. "You, like, don't get it, do you? That record was all I had going for me!"
"Kevin," said Quinn, "it's just a highschool football record! Yes, it's unfair that you had to earn yours while Steve's was just given to him out of pity, but still! It's just highschool, it doesn't mean a damn thing now!"
"That's where you're, like, wrong, Quinn," said Kevin, "I'm, like, nobody! I was the best QB since Tommy Sherman, now look at me! I'm fat." He shook his beer gut for emphasis. "I'm bald." He took off his MAGA cap to reveal his bald head underneath. "And I'm so stupid that I had to do senior year twice! I only graduated because you tutored the hell outta me, Quinn! Like, after I graduate Brit comes back from Great Prairie for the summer and I knock her up! All I've done since high school is ruin mine and Brit's lives!"
Brittany, for the first time in over a decade, actually felt sympathy for her husband. "Kevie, that's not true," she exclaimed, "I screwed up just as badly! You didn't use a condom at the Fourth of July party, but I didn't think to go on the pill!"
Kevin displayed an insight that shocked everyone. "And look what happened," he said, "I knocked you up! We had to get married! You had to, like, drop outta Great Prairie and go to Lawndale State part time just so we could stay together an' raise the kid I put in ya! Yeah, you graduated and became a cheerleading coach, but what have I done!? I just kept, like, screwing up and knocking you up! I can't even hold down a job! Like, the longest I've ever been employed is two months! Every job I ever had I just, like, screwed up so bad that I got my ass fired! Like, the only reason we live in a big house in a nice neighborhood is because your dad gives us money all the time!"
"Kevin," said Quinn, "it's not all bad. Yes, your record was broken. Yes, your varsity days are over and you never went pro. Still, it was just high school. Four years," Quinn paused, "well, five in your case. Don't make it your whole life!"
"But," said Kevin, "I, like, haven't been able to do a damn thing since then!"
Brittany's heart went out to her husband in that moment. "Kevie, that's not true! You gave me four...I mean five...great kids and you're a wonderful father to all of them! I don't know what I'd do without you!"
"But, like," said Kevin, "I'm the same as Steve. He only broke my record because it was given to him. Everything I have now was given to me because, like, everyone feels sorry for me!"
Neither Quinn nor Brittany knew what to say.
"I...," said Kevin, "I...I'M WORTHLESS!" He then proceeded to cry.
County offices, the next day...
The aging hipster who forced everyone to give Steve a free ride was seated behind his desk when his intercom buzzed. He immediately pressed the talk button.
"Yes."
"Mr. Anderson," said a voice on the other end, "your 10:30 is here."
"Send her in," said Anderson.
A few seconds later, Quinn entered.
"Mrs. Carbone," said Anderson, "what can I do for you?"
Quinn immediately folded her arms. "I'm here to talk about the recent injustice concerning Lawndale High's touchdown pass record."
Anderson sighed. "We've already had this discussion. The ruling stands."
"I'm not trying to get the old record restored," said Quinn, "despite my moral compulsion to do so. I'm here to minimize the damage to Mr. Thompson's self-esteem."
"I see," said Anderson.
Quinn sat down and continued. "It's like this. The Thompson's are my next-door neighbors. I've had a front row seat to the downward spiral that Kevin's been on since his record was broken. The manner in which it was broken is something I consider a grievous injustice and I'm not the only one who thinks so. Everyone I know agrees."
Anderson rolled his eyes. "Mrs. Carbone, I don't see how this can be fixed. This is especially true in light of the fact that Mr. Thompson has had twenty-five years to enjoy his moment in the sun."
"Here's the thing," said Quinn, "that record was all he had going for him. You've seen Kevin. He's basically a middle-aged loser who peaked in high school. He's fat, he's bald, he's stupid and he can't even hold down a steady job. He needs something to feel good about again."
"Mrs. Carbone," said Anderson, "he needs to accept the fact that he lives in a different world now. He had his time and now it's over."
Quinn's eyes narrowed. "You really aren't gonna budge on this, are you?"
"No," said Anderson, "I won't. I'm going to be blunt, Mrs. Carbone. Mr. Thompson is an idiot jock who made me miserable back in high school. You're a shallow mean girl who was even worse. In fact, I'd love an opportunity to kick your husband's ass just to feel good about myself."
Quinn rolled her eyes. "That has got to be the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard another adult say. Besides, Jim would destroy you in one punch." It was at that moment that Quinn gasped as it occurred to her what this is really about. "Ohmygod! This was never about building up Steve's confidence! You just wanna stick it to Kevin because he bullied you back in high school!"
Anderson, with a smug grin on his face, nodded. "Exactly! That arrogant moron made all four years of my time at Lawndale High an insufferable hell! Oh, how happy I was when an opportunity to take away his biggest accomplishment came along! Naturally, I decided it was high time that Kevin get his comeuppance! To that end, I used my position to pull some strings because I knew losing his old record would destroy Kevin...ESPECIALLY if he lost it to someone who didn't earn it."
Quinn's inner Helen came out in full force. "I should've known! Now, what's to stop me from telling everyone what you just told me?"
Anderson believed that he still had the upper hand. "How about the fact that it's my word against yours?"
Quinn flashed and evil grin. "Don't be so sure about that." She then reached down her shirt and pulled out a microphone attached to a small tape recorder. Quinn the pressed play.
"...I decided it was high time that Kevin get his comeuppance! To that end, I used my position to pull some strings because I knew losing his old record would destroy Kevin...ESPECIALLY if he lost it to someone who didn't actually earn it."
At that point, Quinn stopped the tape. "You know," said Quinn in a sly tone, "it'd be a shame if that tape fell into the hands of the media, wouldn't it?"
Anderson's face turned white as a sheet. "eep!"
Lawndale High, Friday night...
The next home game was in full swing. Quinn and Jim were in the stands.
"I can't believe you actually pulled this off," said Jim.
"Duh," said Quinn, "Anderson was VERY reasonable once I threatened to leak that tape to the media."
Jim was suddenly apprehensive. "What if he can't make this pass?"
Quinn shrugged. "Doesn't matter. Kevin's forty-two and out of shape. He makes it, it'll be a miracle. He doesn't then he still gets praised for trying. Either way, after tonight Kevin can happily return to the bubble of self-delusion that he's been living in since his varsity days ended."
"Well," said the announcer, "both teams are on the fifty-yard line."
At that point, Lawndale called a time out.
"Time out, Lawndale!"
Lawndale's second-string quarterback (because Steve's still on the injured list) ran to the sidelines. On the sidelines was Kevin in a Lawndale Lions uniform (not his old one, which no longer fits). The second string QB ran over to the coach.
"Reilly," said the coach, "sit out this one!" Coach then turned to Kevin. "THOMPSON, YOU'RE UP!"
Kevin put his football helmet on and ran out onto the field.
"OH, MAN," said the announcer, "WE HAVE A LAST-MINUTE SUBSTITUTION!"
The people in the stands included now middle-aged backgrounders Shaggy, Pie Cap, Happy Girl and Tori Jerhico.
"Dude," said an impressed Shaggy, "is that...?"
"It is," said Pie Cap.
Added Happy Girl, "IT'S KEVIN THOMPSON!"
"Whoa," said Tori, "now I HAVE seen everything!"
They all cheered in unison. "KEVIN! KEVIN! KEVIN! KEVIN!"
Other Lawndale alumni from the late 90's joined in.
"KEVIN! KEVIN! KEVIN! KEVIN!"
Kevin took his spot on the field.
"HIKE!"
The center hiked the ball into Kevin's hands. As Kevin ran back with the ball the wide receiver ran towards the goal line and into the endzone. Lawndale's line men were able to hold off the other team's defense long enough for Kevin to keep his eyes on the receiver. Then, it happened...
Music: Inspirational Sports music
Time seemed to slow as Kevin threw the ball towards the end zone. The ball majestically soared through the air as everyone held their breath. The ball began to lose altitude as the wide receiver jumped up. The receiver caught the ball in midair and landed on his feet. It was at this point that time seemed to speed back up to its normal pace.
"TOUCHDOWN, LAWNDALE!"
The whole crowd erupted into thunderous applause.
"INCREDIBLE," said the announcer, "AT FORTY-TWO KEVIN THOMPSON HAS JUST REPEATED A FEAT HE LAST DID AT SEVENTEEN! A SIXTY-YARD TOUCHDOWN PASS!"
On the sidelines Steve Wilson was pissed. "No fair! Asterix! ASTERIX!"
Everyone in the stands continued to cheer.
"KEVIN! KEVIN! KEVIN! KEVIN! KEVIN! KEVIN!"
Kevin took off his helmet and did a celebratory fist pump.
"AWRIGHT!"
The gym, the next day...
Quinn was doing cardio on the elliptical machine. On the machine next to her was Kevin.
"Kevin," said Quinn, "what you did Friday night was amazing!"
"Duh," said Kevin, "Like, once a QB, always a QB! I mean, yeah, it was just one play and it probably, like, doesn't count but I don't care! I got to be the QB again!" He then flashed a humble smile at Quinn. "Like, thanks, Quinn...and thanks for helping me lose some of the weight."
Quinn shrugged it off. "Kevin, you deserved another moment in the spotlight. As for helping you lose the beer gut, my pleasure!"
Between them was a radio tuned to the Jock and Chad Show on Sports 104.
"Oh, man," said Chad, "did you see what happened at Lawndale last night!?"
"You said it, man," replied Jock, "Kevin Thompson came back to do a single touchdown pass...AT AGE FORTY-TWO! That man didn't let being old and out of shape stop him, no sir!"
"You said it," said Chad, "Kevin Thompson proved that age really is just a number! I've heard the kids all wanna still be that good at that age!"
"Truly," said Jock, "Kevin Thompson is a Great American Hero!"
Kevin smiled at the praise, once again able to feel good about himself.
End chapter.