Opening Montage
Music: "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles
First shot is Quinn seated on a train. Jim takes the seat next to her and they start talking. Cut to a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding five years later. Then cut to a hospital room a few years later and we see an exhausted Quinn and smiling Jim holding newborn triplets. Cut to present day and we see the now nine-year-old triplets. Teddy is reading a book while Tommy and Timmy fight over the video game controller. Cut to Teddy rolling his eyes disdainfully at his immature brothers. Next, cut to a shot of Jim working on a car while a tripod mounted camera records the whole thing. Next shot is Quinn making a S'mores 'n' Pores video in the kitchen. Next shot is Jim chatting with Jamie, Chuck and Kevin over beer while Brittany and Daryl make out in the background. Next shot is Jamie teaching a history class at Lawndale High. He notices that the current quarterback is making out with his cheerleader girlfriend in class, causing Jamie to have a DeMartino-style meltdown. Next, we see Teddy hanging out on the playground with a girl his age who is visibly of mixed European/East Asian heritage. They watch the 'normal' kids play with visibly disdain, implying that this girl is the Jane to Teddy's Daria. Next, we see Quinn, Jim and the triplets stand on the front lawn and smile at the audience. The following caption appears under them...
Lawndale
S. 3, Ep. 4
"Crushing Timmy"
written by
WildDogJJ
Act I
Casa Carbone, evening...
Quinn, her husband Jim and their triplet sons Tommy, Timmy and Teddy were in the living room. Quinn and Jim were dressed up for a night on the town.
"Mom," Tommy complained, "Why do we still need a babysitter? We're eleven, for chrissake!"
"Because," said Quinn, "Your father and I use regular date nights to keep our relationship going and we don't wanna come home to a destroyed house."
"Why are we getting a new sitter," asked Timmy, "Angie's right next door."
Jim answered this one. "She's a college woman now. Angie Thompson's got better things to do on a Friday night than babysit." He hesitated before continuing. "Also, I don't think she's too keen on babysitting you boys for...reasons."
"What reasons," asked Tommy.
Teddy answered in Daria-like deadpan. "Well, let's see. There was that time we pranked her into thinking Timmy was dead, then the time you two stole her birth control pills and replaced them with candy. Let's see, what else? Oh, yes! The time you two wanted to see her naked so badly that you spied on her while she was changing. I think Angie's had enough of us to last a lieftime."
"Can't we just stay by ourselves," Tommy protested.
Quinn and Jim: "NO!"
Before the conversation could continue the doorbell rang.
"That must be her," said Quinn.
As Quinn went to answer the door Jim faced the boys. "Boys," he said, "Kayla's father is VP of Marketing at Grace, Sloane and Paige, one of our biggest sponsors. If you do anything to upset her it could hurt this family's livlihood."
At this point Quinn returned. She was accompanied by an attractive fourteen-year-old girl with blond hair. Quinn proceeded to introduce the girl.
"Boys," she said, "meet your babysitter, Kayla Peterson. Kayla, our boys Tommy, Timmy and Teddy."
Kayla smiled. "Hey, guys. Ready to have some fun tonight?"
Each of the boys had a different reaction to Kayla. Tommy was visibly upset at being stuck with a babysitter while Teddy looked like his usual disinterested self. Timmy's reaction to Kayla, her pretty face, radiant blond hair and angelic voice, however, was another story.
She...She's beautiful thought the smitten eleven-year-old boy.
A short time later...
Kayla was sitting on the couch talking to Tommy and Teddy. Timmy was not present.
"You boys have anything to eat yet," asked the bubbly teen.
Teddy got some money out of his pocket. "Mom told me to give you this. It's money for delivery."
Kayla took the money. "Thanks, Teddy. I guess you're the responsible one."
Teddy nodded.
"Hey," Tommy bragged, "I'm the cool one!"
Both Teddy and Kayla frowned. At this point, Timmy entered the room. He was wearing a monogrammed bathrobe.
"Why, Kayla," said Timmy, "you look lovely this evening." Timmy then took her hand and lightly kissed it.
Stifling a giggle, Kayla said "Well, aren't you the little gentleman." She then moved things back on topic. "What do you kids want for dinner?"
"I don't care," said Tommy.
Pointing to Timmy, Teddy said, "Ask Hef over there."
Timmy tried (and failed) to sound suave as he said, "lady's choice."
Kayla stifled a giggle. "You're a funny guy, Timmy. I like that."
Timmy hoped she didn't see him blush.
The kitchen, later...
Kayla and the triplets were eating pizza. Tommy was visibly disappointed by the fact that it's a veggie pizza.
"Why didn't you order any pepperoni or sausage," asked Tommy.
"Because I'm a vegetarian," Kayla explained, "eating animals is just wrong."
Teddy had a deadpan remark ready but before he could say it...
"Don't bother Kayla," said Timmy to his brother.
Kayla smiled. "Thanks, Timmy. You're very considerate."
Timmy blushed slightly. "Thanks, Kayla."
Teddy rolled his eyes. Like you have a chance with her.
Eager to impress her, Timmy stood up. "Check this out." He then spoke in a Rocky Balboa voice. "Well, yo, maybe I can't beat Apollo. Maybe I can only go the distance. ADRAINNNN!"
Laughing, Kayla clapped. "That was good, Timmy."
Timmy then spoke in a Don Corleone voice. "Don' worry aboudit, I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse."
Kayla laughed and applauded, Tommy scowled, and Teddy rolled his eyes.
On a roll, Timmy laughed maniacally. "It's alive! NYAH, HA, HA, IT'S ALIVE!"
Tommy decided he'd had enough. "Timmy, quit acting like a dork!"
"Tommy," said Kayla, "Don't call your brother a dork! He's sweet and funny, which I think is really cool."
Timmy smiled and blushed.
Kara's Wild Family Fun Center, the next day...
Jim, Quinn, Chuck, Stacy, Jamie, Nicole, Kevin, Brittany and Daryl were playing a round of miniature golf while their kids were at the arcade inside.
"Well, Kayla proved to be an excellent sitter," said Jim as he putted, "Apparently, the boys actually behaved themselves last night."
"Maybe we should hire her," said Stacy.
Added Chuck, "Chucky's not a very dependable sitter for Q. I wish I knew why our son is so disinterested in everything."
Nicole said, "It probably has to do with him being fourteen."
Added Jamie, "Being a high school teacher's given me some insight into what teenagers are like. They're pretty moody...and lazy...and...DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHO WON THE CIVIL WAR!"
"Whoa," said Kevin, "You, like, totally sounded like Mr. D just now."
Quinn decided to move things back on topic before Jamie's eyes start bulging. "You know, I think Timmy has a crush on Kayla."
"But," said Brittany, "isn't she, like, fourteen?"
"Yeah," said Kevin, "That's just, like, wrong."
Daryl whispered something in Brittany's ear.
Blushing, Brittany said, "Um...I'm going to...uh...see how the kids are doing." She then turned to Daryl. "Come on ba...buddy!"
Brittany and Daryl left.
"Cool," said Kevin, "Daryl's always keeping an eye on Brit for me. It's almost like he's a member of my family."
Everyone else frowns, knowing the real reason Daryl's around so much.
The arcade, a minute later...
Sure enough, without even bothering to check on the kids Brittany and Daryl snuck into the restroom for a quickie.
Meanwhile, Tommy, Timmy, Q (Chuck and Stacy's daughter) and Kevin Jr. (Brittany and Kevin's son...actually, Daryl's son but neither Kevin nor Kevin Jr. are aware of that fact) were hanging out by one of the video game machines. Timmy would not stop talking about Kayla.
"She's the most amazing girl I've ever seen."
Tommy rolled his eyes. "Timmy, would you stop talking about her."
Added Kevin Jr. "Yeah, we wanna play some games."
"But," said Timmy, "She's wonderful!"
"Timmy," said Q in a catty tone, "She's in eighth grade!"
"So," said Timmy.
"So," Q pointed out, "we're only in fifth grade. You can't be crushing like this on a girl who's the same age as my brother."
As if on cue, Chucky Ruttheimer walked by. He looked at Timmy and spoke in his usual snarky monotone. "You like older women."
The fifth graders watched as Chucky joined his friends at another machine. Timmy then noticed a bunch of teenage girls at the ski ball lanes. One of then happened to be Kayla.
"There she is," said the excited Timmy, "catch you guys later." He then walked over to the ski ball lanes.
Both Tommy and Kevin Jr. were visibly pissed that Timmy was blowing them off to hang out with middle school kids. Q stared daggers at Kayla as she'd recently developed a crush on Timmy and was jealous.
Timmy approached Kayla and her friends. "Kayla, you play ski ball too!"
The girls acknowledged him. "Hey, guys," said Kayla to her friends, "this is one of the kids I babysat last night."
The other girls looked at Timmy with a mixture of curiosity and annoyance.
"Hey, Timmy," said Kayla, "Do that funny Jewish man impression."
Timmy smiled. "Okay!" He pulled his pants up to his rib cage and spoke with a fake Yiddish accent. "Vat are you talkink about? VAT ARE YOU TALKINK ABOUT!? I need a moyal, my veiner schnitzel needs a schnippink!"
Kayla and her friends bowled over laughing. After the laughter, Kayla spoke.
"Told you guys he's funny! Hey, Timmy, we were gonna hit the mall for a bit. Wanna come with us?"
"Sure," said Timmy as his heart skipped a beat. He then made his way to his friends.
"Guess what," said an excited Timmy, "I've got a date with Kayla! We're gonna go to the mall!"
"No fair," said Tommy, "You start dating before I do!?"
"Cool," said Kevin Jr.
"Guys," said Timmy, "Cover for me with the 'rents."
"Ugh...fine," Tommy grumbled.
As Timmy left Tommy stared daggers at his brother while Kevin Jr. rolled his eyes and Q looked like she'd just been stabbed in the heart.
At a nearby table the third triplet, Teddy, and his best/only friend, Rachel (Jamie and Nicole's daughter) proceeded with Daria-and-Jane-like color commentary.
"Am I seeing things," said Rachel, "or did your brother just blow off his friends to hang out with teenagers?"
"If you're seeing things," Teddy deadpanned, "then I'm having the same nightmare."
"Damn paint fumes," Rachel quipped without missing a beat.
Lawndale Mall, later...
Kayla and her friends, with Timmy in tow carrying their items, were approaching the food court.
"Guys," said Kayla, "wanna grab a bite before heading home?"
"Yeah," said one friend.
"Sure," said another.
"Why not," said the third.
"Let's go to the White Castle stand," said Timmy.
Kayla and her friends looked at the boy disapprovingly. "Timmy," said Kayla, "we don't eat burgers." She then spotted a salad stand. "Let's eat there."
Eager to remain in Kayla's good graces, Timmy agreed. "Okay, I like salad," he lied.
They approached the salad stand to place their orders. "I'll have a Caesar with raspberry vinaigrette dressing. What do you want Timmy?"
"I'll have a BLT," said Timmy.
Kayla and her friends stared disapprovingly at the boy. "Timmy," said Kayla, "that has bacon in it."
Timmy was confused. "So?"
"So," Kayla went on, "bacon's meat. We're all vegetarians."
Added one of Kayla's friends, "you wanna hang out with us, you have to be a vegan too."
"Why," asked Timmy, "why are you guys' vegans?"
"Because," Kayla explained, "eating meat is morally wrong. Think of all those poor, helpless animals that are murdered just so we can eat them like savages!"
Added another of Kayla's friends, "It's cruel. Killing animals for food and clothes is just soooo wrong!"
Kayla explained further. "Did you know we could feed all those poor starving kids in Africa with all the pigs, cows and chickens we murder in a single year? But they shouldn't eat them, because eating animals is murder."
Timmy frowned. "Okay, I'll just have an LT then."
Kayla and her friends smiled approvingly.
The things I'll do for love Timmy thought.
Act II
Bealer Street, evening...
Timmy and Kayla were walking home from the mall. Timmy carried Kayla's shopping bags as they approached his house.
"Kayla," said Timmy, "I had fun hanging out with you and your friends today. I like you."
Kayla smiled. "I like you too, Timmy."
Timmy fought through his nervousness. "Um, Kayla."
"Yeah."
"I meant I 'like' like you," Timmy admitted.
Kayla smiled. "I know. I mean, it's pretty obvious."
Timmy blushed, more out of embarrassment than anything else. "Really," he said in a sheepish tone.
"Timmy, it's okay," said Kayla in a reassuring voice, "How about a kiss?"
Timmy blushed again, this time out of excitement and anticipation. "You...You wanna kiss me!?"
Kayla said nothing. Instead, she grabbed Timmy and kissed him. The kiss wasn't very passionate or intense. More an innocent peck on the lips than anything else. What Timmy didn't notice, however, was Kayla's other hand whipping out a cellphone and taking a selfie as they kissed. It only lasted a second but the effect on Timmy would linger long after.
"Whoa," said Timmy after the kiss broke, "that was good!"
Kayla smiled sweetly. "Thanks." By this point they reached Casa Carbone. Kayla took her shopping bags and proceeded on her way. "Later...handsome."
Timmy was more excited than he'd been in his whole life. He happily skipped home.
Once alone, Kayla smirked and whipped out her cell phone. She'd actually secretly taken a picture of herself kissing Timmy. Kayla looked at the photo, then sent it to one of her friends with the following text message.
"I win the bet, pay up."
A few seconds later, Kayla got the reply.
"Didn't think you'd actually do it, Kay! I'll give you your $20 tomorrow."
"THX."
"Wonder what that stupid fat kid would do if he knew you only kissed him for a bet?"
"Probably cry to his mommy."
"LOL!"
Yes, Timmy's being played.
Casa Carbone, morning...
The whole family was seated at the kitchen table having breakfast. When it had been time to go home from the Fun Center Tommy told his parents that Timmy had run into a girl from their class and her parents would bring Timmy home later. When Teddy backed Tommy up, they believed him.
"So, Timmy," said Quinn, "did you have fun with your new friend yesterday?"
"You bet I did," said Timmy in an excited voice.
"Well," said Jim, "You're in a really chipper mood. Who's this kid you were hanging out with?"
"My girlfriend," Timmy answered.
Quinn, Tommy and Teddy all gasped in shock.
Jim proudly pat Timmy on the back and sounded relieved when he spoke. "Way to go, little buddy." Jim suddenly became worried as one possibility occurred to him. "She's real, right? You didn't make her up or anything?"
"No," said Timmy, "Her name's Kayla."
Neither parent suspected that it's the same Kayla who'd babysat the boys the other night.
"Well," said a relieved Jim, "How about that? Timmy has a girlfriend! Thank God!"
"Thank God," said Tommy, "Whaddaya mean thank God, Dad?"
Jim was visibly embarrassed. "Um...well...see, I've long had some concerns about your brother, Tommy. I'm just relieved that I can finally put those concerns to rest and stop worrying."
"Why'd you worry about Timmy," asked Tommy.
Quinn had an awkward expression on her face, so Teddy answered.
"Dad was always afraid Timmy might be gay."
Both parents stared daggers at Teddy.
"What," said Teddy.
Lewis Elementary School, the following afternoon...
Classes have just let out and the kids are making their way home from school. Timmy, Tommy, Kevin Jr. and Q were on their bikes.
"Hey, guys," said Timmy, "I wanna show you something."
Without question, the other kids followed Timmy's lead.
Glenfield Middle School, a short time later...
Tommy, Timmy, Kevin Jr. and Q had arrived.
"God," said Q in a catty tone, "I can't believe you're hanging out with middle schoolers, Timmy. Don't you know they're total assholes?"
Kevin Jr. rolled his eyes. "Q, not every middle schooler is Chucky and Greg."
"Yeah," added Tommy, "Timmy's actually cool now."
That's when Timmy spotted her. "HEY, KAYLA!"
Kayla rolled her eyes before approaching the fifth graders. She feigned politeness as she spoke. "Hey, Timmy. How are ya?"
"I'm good," said Timmy. Timmy then turned to his brother and friends. "Guys, this is my girlfriend, Kayla Peterson."
Kayla silently hoped none of her classmates overheard that.
"Kayla," said Timmy, "wanna hang out?"
"Timmy," said Kayla. She was about to correct the boy's assumption, but the sweet and innocent look on his face caused her to chicken out. "Yeah, sure. We can hang out." Dammit, now I have a little kid going Stage 5 on me!
Q continued to stare daggers at Kayla, her jealousy growing more intense by the minute.
"Come on, guys," said Tommy, "let's ride our bikes in the woods outside of time."
Kayla didn't like that prospect one bit and proceeded to say so. "Um, How about we go shopping at the mall instead?"
"No way," said Tommy.
Added Kevin Jr. "I already blew my allowance on video games at the fun center the other day."
"I'll go to the mall, Kayla," Timmy eagerly agreed.
Kayla rolled her eyes. "Ugh...fine!" She'd hoped insisting on the mall would get Timmy and his friends to leave her alone.
As Kayla and Timmy left for the mall Q stared daggers at both of them.
A street in Lawndale, a few hours later...
Timmy was once again carrying Kayla's shopping bags as they walked towards Timmy's house. Kayla was visibly desperate to get out of this but Timmy was too excited to notice.
"Timmy," said Kayla, "You think you can make it home by yourself? I gotta get going."
Timmy accepted this and handed Kayla her shopping bags. "I love you."
That made Kayla visibly uncomfortable. "Um...yeah, sure. Later, Timmy." She was about to hurry home when...
"Kayla, wait," said Timmy, "Don't I get a goodbye kiss."
Kayla sighed. "Listen, Timmy, um..." She was unsure of how to say no without hurting the boy's feelings.
"You know, Kayla," said Timmy, "when you wanted to kiss me the other night, I said okay. I was nervous, but I did it. You're a great kisser."
"Um, yeah," said a nervous Kayla, "Listen, Timmy, about that kiss..."
Timmy interrupted her. "Come on, Kayla. Kiss me."
Kayla let out a resigned sigh. "Okay, fine."
She and Timmy kissed, though it's obvious that she doesn't want to and he's too into it to notice her discomfort.
Coincidentally, Q Ruttheimer was riding by on her bike. She stopped and gasped in horror as she saw Timmy and Kayla kissing.
No! NO!
Q turned around and went home, crying the whole time.
Unaware that Q had just seen them, Kayla and Timmy broke the kiss.
"See ya 'round, Timmy," said Kayla as she hurriedly made her way home.
Timmy smiled, oblivious to the fact that Kayla was leaving in an uncomfortable hurry.
Casa Carbone, evening...
The whole family was at the kitchen table having spaghetti and meatballs for dinner.
"Teddy," said Timmy, "You want my meatballs?"
Teddy stared at his brother in wide-eyes shock. "Um...Who are you, and what have you done with my brother?"
Added Tommy, "Since when do you not like meatballs?"
"I like meatballs," said Timmy, "But Kayla's a vegetarian."
Quinn and Jim still don't know that Timmy's Kayla is the same Kayla who babysat the boys the previous Friday night.
"I knew it," said Jim, "I knew something was wrong with this girl. Timmy, vegans are freedom-hating communists. You can't trust them."
Quinn rolled her eyes. "Jim, that's your father talking. So Timmy likes a girl who's vegan. So what?"
Added Timmy, "Yeah, Dad. We have a lot of other stuff in common. We're in love!"
Both Quinn and Jim gasped at that declaration.
"Timmy," said Teddy, "If you believe Kayla feels the same way then I've got a bridge to sell you."
"Oh, really," said a confident Timmy, "If Kayla doesn't love me, then why did she kiss me...twice?"
Everyone gasped in shock.
"Oh...God," Quinn gasped in horror.
"No fair," said Tommy, "First Timmy gets a girlfriend before me, now he gets to kiss someone before me. I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THE COOL ONE!"
"Tommy," Quinn hissed, "don't you dare start throwing a tantrum over this!"
"It's okay, Mom," said Timmy, "he's just jealous because I've found love and he hasn't. What Kayla and I have is what you and Dad have."
"Hold up, little buddy," said Jim, "a schoolyard crush and a grownup marriage are NOT the same thing."
"Your father's right, Timmy," said Quinn, "You've only been going out with the girl for a few days. Your father and I have been married for thirteen years, and we were a serious couple for five years before that. You really can't compare that to a childhood infatuation."
"But, Mom," said Timmy, "Kayla kissed me twice."
"Timmy," said Jim, "your mother and I have done things WAY more intense things than kissing."
"Ix-nay," Quinn hissed, "Oy-bays too oung-yay!"
Jim blushed with embarrassment. "Sorry."
"Relax," Timmy reassured, "Kayla and I aren't ready for anything past kissing...yet."
Both Quinn and Jim are now a little worried (and they still don't know that Kayla's fourteen).
Casa Carbone, the following afternoon...
Kayla walked up to the front door and rang the bell. A few seconds later, Jim answered.
"Hey, Kayla," said Jim, "What brings you here?" He doesn't know that this is the same Kayla that Timmy's crushing on.
"Mr. Carbone," said Kayla, "We need to talk...about Timmy."
"Did he do something the other night," asked Jim.
"Um...actually," said Kayla, "I want you to tell him to stop following me around all the time."
"Why would he be following..." Jim suddenly put two and two together. "...Oh, God! You're the Kayla he keeps talking about! YOU'RE TIMMY'S GIRLFRIEND!?"
"No," Kayla protested, "Timmy and I aren't boyfriend and girlfriend, but he thinks we are! It's getting really weird."
"You're telling me," said Jim, "He claims you two have kissed twice!"
Kayla felt guilty. "We did kiss, Mr. Carbone."
Jim's eyes went wide. "Are you freaking kidding me!? He's eleven, you're fourteen!"
Kayla explained. "I didn't wanna kiss a little kid! The first time I kissed him it was because my friends dared me to! The second time he kept begging me to kiss him and I was afraid it'd hurt his feelings if I said no."
Jim rubbed the bridge of his nose and let out a frustrated sigh. "Well, I can tell you one thing," he growled, "You are SO never babysitting my boys again!"
"I understand," said Kayla, "frankly, being around them is just too weird. I just want Timmy to back off before things get any weirder."
The home office, a short time later...
Quinn was at her desk paying some bills. Jim, having just sent Kayla away, came into the office with a very distraught look on his face.
"Who was that, hon," asked Quinn.
"Timmy's so-called girlfriend," said Jim with a shudder.
Quinn saw how disturbed her husband was. "What's wrong, babe?"
Jim took a deep breath to calm himself before answering. "Timmy's Kayla is the same Kayla who babysat the boys last Friday."
Quinn's eyes went wide and her mouth fell open. A few seconds later, she found her voice.
"WHAT!? SHE'S FOURTEEN, HE'S ELEVEN!"
"I know," Jim sighed, "Apparently, she only kissed him as a prank and now he thinks they're a couple. She came here to ask me to make Timmy stop following her around."
"You've gotta be kidding me," exclaimed Quinn, "Our son's going all Fatal Attraction on a teenager!?"
"Afraid so," Jim sighed.
"Oh, God," said Quinn, "We gotta do something!"
"Actually," said Jim, "we should probably just let this play out and be there when it all blows up in Timmy's face, which'll probably happen VERY soon. Kayla made it pretty clear that she's tired of being followed around by a lovesick fifth grader."
Quinn said nothing but looked doubtful.
The following evening...
Timmy dialed a number on his cell.
"Hey, Kayla," he said, "It's Timmy. I was just wondering when we're gonna hang out again. Um, give me a call." He then hung up. Suddenly, he heard a ring tone and answered.
"Hello?"
"Timmy, it's Q."
"Hey, Q," said Timmy, "I'm waiting for Kayla to call me back."
"You're gonna be waiting a long time," said Q, "My brother told me he's going to a house party at Greg Keanen's."
"So?"
"So," said Q, "He said Kayla would be there."
Timmy gasped in shock.
Keanen House, a short time later...
There was loud music coming from the white two-story house. Timmy, having snuck out, made his way to the front door and rang the bell. A second later, Greg answered. Since Greg is Chucky Ruttheimer's best friend he recognized Timmy.
"Whaddyou want, kid?"
Timmy gave an excuse that he knew would convince Greg to let him in.
"Chucky's parents sent me. I need to tell him something."
Greg shrugged. "Yeah, whatever." With that, he let Timmy in.
The living room...
A bunch of thirteen and fourteen year olds were dancing to loud music. Timmy immediately called out.
"KAYLA! KAYLA, WHERE ARE YOU!"
That's when Timmy saw her...making out with a guy her age!
"WHAT THE HELL!?"
Timmy angrily made his way to the couple and forced himself in between them.
"WHAT THE HELL, KID," said the guy.
Timmy ignored him as he confronted Kayla. "Kayla, what's going on!? WHY WERE YOU KISSING HIM!?"
Kayla decided enough was enough. "BECAUSE HE'S MY BOYFRIEND!"
Timmy was furious. "I THOUGHT I WAS YOUR BOYFRIEND!?"
Kayla's boyfriend laughed. "YOU! YEAH, RIGHT! GO HOME TO YOUR MOMMY, FATSO!" He then shoved Timmy aside and resumed making out with Kayla.
Chucky Ruttheimer (Q's older brother) then walked up to Timmy and spoke in his usual monotone.
"You got played."
Timmy was so angry that he charged at Kayla's boyfriend, ramming him so hard that he, the guy and Kayla all fell to the floor.
"WHAT THE HELL'S YOUR PROBLEM, KID," the guy yelled.
Kayla was now furious. "TIMMY," she yelled as she grabbed him by the shirt, "WE NEED TO TALK, NOW!" With that, she dragged Timmy outside.
Outside, a few seconds later...
Timmy and Kayla were arguing.
"Kayla," Timmy said, "what the hell was that!? YOU'RE KISSING HIM!? I'M YOUR BOYFRIEND!"
"No," said Kayla, "You aren't. You were never my boyfriend, Timmy. I'm in eighth grade, for crying out loud! I only date guys my own age!"
"How can you say that," said Timmy with hurt in his voice, "I thought we had something!"
Kayla sighed. "Timmy, I'm almost a grown-up and you're just a little kid. Yeah, I like you. You're sweet and funny, but we're just friends."
"I thought we were more than friends," said Timmy, "we kissed."
"And it was a mistake," said Kayla, "I only kissed you the first time because my friends dared me to. The second was only because I didn't wanna hurt your feelings. Those kisses didn't mean anything." She then turned around and went back toward the house.
"Kayla, please," Timmy begged, "I LOVE YOU!"
Kayla faced Timmy and rolled her eyes. "GO HOME, TIMMY!" She then angrily went back to the house.
Timmy fell to his knees. "Kayla!" He tore his shirt open. "KAYLAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
When Kayla didn't come back out, Timmy hung his head and started to cry.
Act III
Casa Carbone, morning...
The entire family was at the kitchen table having breakfast. While everyone else was eating Timmy just stared at his pancakes with a depressed expression on his face. He then let out a sigh.
"What's wrong, Timmy," asked Quinn.
"I'm no expert," said Teddy, "but if I had to venture a guess, I'd say someone got dumped."
Timmy sighed. "Yeah," he said in a morose tone, "Kayla dumped me."
Jim said nothing but had a thought. Saw that one coming a mile away.
"Timmy got dumped," said Tommy, "Cool."
Quinn and Jim: "HEY!"
"What," said Tommy, "now that Timmy's not dating an older chick I'm the cool one again."
"That's no reason to rub your brother's nose in it," said Quinn in a stern tone.
"I...I don't understand it," said Timmy, "I...I LOVED HER!" Timmy then proceeded to cry.
"Timmy," said Jim, "You have to accept the fact that she probably never felt the same way about you."
Timmy said nothing but continued to cry. This made Jim visibly uncomfortable. "Um...Timmy...uh...well..." Jim finally lost his patience. "MAN UP, DAMMIT!"
"JIM," Quinn barked, "That's not helping!"
Finally, Timmy spoke.
"I...sniff...I...I LOVED HER! Why, Kayla? WHY!?" Timmy then leapt out of his chair and ran to his room, crying the whole way there.
Quinn turned to Jim and the other two boys.
"I'll be right back."
With that, Quinn got up from her seat and went to Timmy's room.
Timmy's room, a short time later...
Timmy was lying face down on the bed, crying his eyes out. Quinn entered.
"Timmy," she said, "Can we talk?"
Timmy stopped crying. "Mom, I really don't wanna talk to anyone right now." He then resumed crying.
Quinn sat down on the bed and tried to comfort her son.
"Timmy," said Quinn, "rejection's hard. I know. When I was sixteen I had a huge crush on my tutor. I liked him so much that I actually asked him out during our final session and he said no. I took it really hard, especially since I was used to having every guy in school wrapped around my finger."
Timmy didn't say anything. He just kept crying. Quinn was visibly conflicted, torn between the desire to soothe her distressed son and the realization that the boy needs a serious reality check.
"Timmy," said Quinn, "I hate to have to tell you this, but what you had with Kayla wasn't real. Yes, she's attractive and popular but the fact remains that she's fourteen and you're only eleven. She's in the middle of turning into a woman while you're still just a boy. You two had no chance."
Timmy stopped crying. "But...but...I LOVED HER! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" With that, the crying resumed.
"Timmy," said Quinn, "you only think you love her. What you thought was love is really just an infatuation. Believe me, you'll know the real thing when it happens."
Timmy just continued crying.
Ruttheimer house...
Stacy and Q were having a similar conversation to the one Quinn was having with Timmy. Stacy had noticed that her daughter was really upset lately and wanted to know why. When Q told her what was going on she'd felt a mixture of surprise, relief and pride. Stacy was proud to have a better relationship with her daughter than she'd had with her own mother. She was relieved that Q's not as emotionally fragile as she was at that age and surprised at which of the Carbone triplets Q had a crush on.
"Timmy," said Stacy, "I thought Tommy was the one you had a crush on."
"He was," Q bitterly replied, "until I realized what a selfish jerk he is."
Stacy stifled a giggle. "Quinn was the same way as a kid."
"It's weird," said Q, "for the longest time I only liked Timmy as a friend. Now he seems like the cutest guy in the world to me. He's sweet, he's caring, he's funny and we like all of the same things."
Stacy smiled. "It was the same with your father and I. We'd already known each other for years when we got together. For the longest time I thought your father was an ugly, annoying creeper. Everyone did. That's why his nickname was Upchuck."
Now it was Q who stifled a giggle. "I still can't believe that's what everyone used to call Dad."
Stacy went on. "Once I saw past Upchuck and realized what a wonderful guy your father is under it all I was irresistably attracted to him. I've felt that way ever since. That's why I married him and had two kids with him." She paused before going on. "What I'm saying is don't let the fact that Timmy's not interested right now drag you down. If it's meant to happen, it'll happen. If it isn't, then at least you'll always be friends."
Q visibly felt better. "Thanks, Mom."
The following evening...
Quinn's Cadillac was going down the street. Inside, Quinn was driving while Jim rode shotgun and the triplets were riding in the back. Timmy was visibly depressed, but no longer crying.
"Mom," said Timmy, "Dad, I really don't feel like going out to dinner."
"Timmy," said Quinn, "you need something to take your mind off of Kayla."
"That's why we're eating at Wrangler's tonight," said Jim, "Besides, you love their steaks...and cheese fries."
"Think of it as a date," said Quinn, "with your family instead of a girl. I'm excited. I get to eat out with my four favorite men in the world."
Teddy jumped right in with Daria-like deadpan. "After all, Timmy, it's no secret that you like older women."
Tommy stared daggers at Teddy for the dig at both this recent event and the incident with Angie Thompson while Timmy just sighed.
Wrangler's steakhouse, a short time later...
The restaurant has a Wild West theme. There were murals depicting cattle drives on the plains, pioneers camping in the desert, US Cavalry fighting Native Americans and famous gunfights in fronteir towns. The Carbones were seated at a table when Timmy saw something that made him very uncomfortable.
Seated at the next table was Kayla and her parents. Mrs. Peterson looked just like her daughter but thirty years older. Mr. Peterson looked like the fifty-something corporate hot-shot that he was. A waiter was taking their order.
Kayla said, "I'll have a tossed salad, tofu steak and mineral water."
At the Carbone table, Jim was the first to notice that something was up.
"Timmy, wh.." He then saw Kayla and her parents. "...Oh! I see."
The rest of the family looked and saw Kayla. Kayla's parents smiled and waved. Quinn and Jim politely waved back in acknowledgement. While it's unclear whether or not Kayla's parents know what she's been up to lately Quinn and Jim's politeness is due to the fact that they regularly do business with Mr. Peterson (he's VP of marketing at Grace, Sloane and Paige). Kayla smirked at Timmy, taking pleasure in how rattled he is by this turn of events.
"Mom," said Timmy, "Dad, I wanna go home!"
"Timmy," said Jim, "you can't let her get to you."
Added Quinn, "You do that and she wins."
Don't be a wuss, Timmy," added Tommy.
"For once," said Quinn, "I agree with your brother, Timmy. You let Kayla get under your skin and she wins. You can't let her win."
"Funny," said Teddy, "Last I heard dating wasn't a competition."
"Teddy," Quinn said, "You have much to learn. Dating is as competitive as any sport out there. I know. I was the undisputed dating champion from when I was your age all the way through college." She then turned back towards Timmy. "Don't let her win!"
At this point a waitress approached to take their orders.
"Welcome to Wranglers. Can I interest anyone in our 100-ounce prime rib? Finish it in under an hour and it's free. Break the current record of forty minutes and you get a Stetson hat, a pair of six-shooters and your picture on our Wrangler Wall of Fame."
"No thanks," said Jim.
That's when Timmy remembered two things. The first thing was that Kayla's a vegan. The second thing is that there's one game he's unbeatable at: competitive eating. Timmy now knew exactly how to stick it to Kayla.
"Hold on," said Timmy, "I'll do the 100-ounce prime rib challenge!"
"Timmy," said Quinn, "are you sure?"
Added Jim, "That's a lot of meat, even for you!"
Timmy spoke with steely determination in his voice.
"And I want it.." He narrowed his eyes at Kayla. "...rare!"
Twenty minutes later...
Timmy was seated at a large elevated table in full view of everyone in the restaurant. Standing next to him was a man dressed as a cowboy from the late 1800's.
"Rules are simple," said the cowboy in a fake Texas twang, "Finish the steak in less then an hour. If you vomit or can't continue, then th' contest is over. Finish in under an hour an' th' steak's free. Finish in under forty minutes an' yer a true cowboy worthy o' th' Wrangler Hall o' Fame. LE'S ALL GIVE TH' LITTLE COWBOY A HAND!"
Everyone cheered in encouragement. Everyone except Kayla, that is. In fact, she gave Timmy a look that wordlessly said "you can't do it". Timmy saw this and responded with a look that wordlessly said "watch me, bitch".
It was at this point that a waitress brought out a tray with a six-pound slab of prime rib on it. As per Timmy's request, the monster steak was soft brown on the outside, red and bloody on the inside.
"Forget table manners," Quinn called out to her son, "Don't be afraid to chew with your mouth open."
"Do it, Timmy," said Jim, "SHOW 'EM WHAT YOUR STOMACH CAN DO!"
"YOU GOT THIS, TIMMY," called out Tommy.
Teddy said nothing, but gave his brother an encouraging smile and a thumbs up.
The monster steak was placed in front of Timmy.
"Ready," asked the cowboy.
Timmy held up his utensils. "Ready!"
The cowboy pulled a stopwatch out of his pocket. "Then...GO!"
Music: "Hoedown" by Aaron Copland (featured in those "Beef, it's what's for dinner" commercials in the early 90's)
Timmy dug right into the massive, rare steak. He ate with gusto. He ate with speed. To increase his time, Timmy took Quinn's advice and chewed with his mouth open. He enjoyed the taste, the feeling of blood-red steak juice running down his chin and onto the bib he was required to wear for this event.
When he'd eaten twenty ounces by the five minute mark the crowd started cheering.
"GO, KID, GO!"
"SHOW THEM HOW IT'S DONE, KID!"
The Carbones cheered him on.
"THAT'S IT, TIMMY," Quinn shouted, "WIN THIS THING!"
"TAME THAT BEAST," Jim cheered.
"GO FOR IT BRO," cheered Tommy, "YOU GOT THIS!"
Teddy, as usual, just gave Timmy a thumbs up and an encouraging smile.
After ten minutes, Timmy was thirty-nine ounces and still going strong.
Deciding that she'd had enough, Kayla tried to throw Timmy off by heckling him.
"NOBODY CARES, TIMMY," Kayla taunted, "YOU JUST LOOK LIKE A STUPID FAT DORK!"
Timmy was not the least bit phased, especially after...
"GO GET 'EM, TIMMY," cheered Mrs. Peterson.
Added Mr. Peterson, "SHOW THAT STEAK WHO'S BOSS!"
Kayla was mortified that even her own parents were cheering Timmy on.
Suddenly, Timmy looked uncomfortable. He then stopped eating. He put down his fork and knife and stood up.
Everyone gasped. One could carve the tension with a knife. Was Timmy about to give up?
Timmy unzipped his pants. Suddenly, the discomfort was gone. He sat back down and resumed eating the monster steak. The whole restaurant erupted in cheers as Timmy continued to go through that prime rib at a rapid pace.
Eventually, there was only one large piece left on Timmy's tray. Timmy decided to go for broke. He tossed his fork into the air in a way that made it spin before catching it and plunking it down into that last piece of rare prime rib.
Kayla stared daggers at Timmy. Timmy stared daggers back at her before eating that last piece. It was the best piece of beef he'd ever had.
As soon as Timmy swallowed that last piece the cowboy stopped his watch and called out the time.
"TWENTY-SEVEN MINUTES, FIFTEEN SECONDS! WE HAVE A NEW RECORD!"
The whole crowd erupted in cheers and applause. Kayla was absolutely livid.
"Mom," said a VERY upset Kayla, "Dad, let's go!"
Mr. and Mrs. Peterson were too busy cheering to even acknowledge their own daughter.
Timmy had a triumphant grin on his face as one server presented his cowboy hat, another his replica six-shooters and a third took his picture for the Wrangler Wall of Fame. Once that was done, Timmy stood up and bowed to the applauding crowd.
"Thank you! Thank you very much!"
Everyone gave Timmy a standing ovation. Everyone except Kayla. She just folded her arms and scowled in defeat.
Casa Carbone, later...
Q was sitting on the doorstep waiting for the Carbones to come home (the Ruttheimers live just around the block). She was determined to finally tell Timmy how she really felt about him. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw Quinn's Cadillac pull into the driveway and the whole family file out. Timmy looked VERY nauseous. Q walked up to them.
"Mr. and Mrs. Carbone," she said.
"Hey, Q," Jim replied.
"What brings you here," Quinn asked politely.
Q tried to explain. "I...Well, I need to talk to Timmy about something."
Timmy started puking on the driveway.
"Could it wait," said Jim, "He's...Well, Timmy's a little sick right now."
Q said, "It's kinda important, and I need to tell him myself."
"Well," said Quinn, "If you don't mind the puking."
Q walked up to the vomiting Timmy. "Um...Chucky told me Kayla dumped you. It...It looks like you're taking it pretty hard."
Timmy stopped puking. "It's not that, Q. I just ate a hundred-ounce steak in under thirty minutes." He then resumed puking.
"Oh," said Q, "Well, when you're done I was wondering if we could hang out for a bit."
Timmy stopped puking. "Okay, cool." He then went back to puking.
"Um, Timmy," said Q, "I need to tell you something. I like you. Well, I like you as more than a friend. I...Well...I wanna be your girlfriend, Timmy."
Timmy stopped puking and smiled. "Cool! Q, I've wanted to be your boyfriend since kindergarten!" He then puked some more.
Q smiled and her heart skipped a beat. From that night on, Q Ruttheimer and Timmy Carbone were officially boyfriend and girlfriend.
End chapter.