Chapter 8

I locked myself away for a few days, allowing myself the luxury of grieving because that's what it was. He wasn't just going on a holiday and then soon would be coming back to see me. He lived in another country and we were never anything to begin with. Google was my friend in those days and I watched as he departed the country along with his bandmates, with no contact since he walked away and I knew that was the way it was meant to be.

During those days I thought about what we'd done together, words we'd spoken, things I'd shared with him that I hadn't shared with anyone else since I started this job. And I realised that he'd unlocked a part of me I had wanted to keep tucked away, not believing I was worth anything anymore. He made me feel more like Ella than I had done in what felt like forever.

Then, when I'd run out of all the clean dishes in my apartment and the first bills started arriving to be paid, I picked myself up, opened up the booking tool on the website so I could accept clients again and carried on with my life. But only for a few weeks. Because each time I was with a man, my mind flicked back to everything I had done with Jungkook in that room and it felt like I was tainting his memory by being there with others. None of them brought anything out of me apart from the minimum required to do my job and I started to become despondent at the thought this could be me, knowing I needed to find another way of earning a living. And each time, each new client or repeat customer, I could tell I was locking myself further and further away, back inside myself.

Four weeks after we'd said goodbye, a delivery arrived for 'Ava' and I rolled up to work to find it waiting on the bed in my room. It happened from time to time, sometimes a gift from a client who wanted to give me an individual thank you outside of the fee they paid when they booked me. It was often jewellery and that made sense for this one, it was about the right size.

Opening it up, I found an envelope, eyes being drawn straight away to the name Bella on the front and my heart started beating, cheeks getting warm as I tore it open, reaching for the letter enclosed with trembling hands.

"You helped me, now I want to help you. Go explore your own dreams. JK"

Attached to the note was a parcel and I gasped as I reached in to pull out wads of $100 bills. More than enough to go to university and study the courses I'd always wanted to study in design, more than enough to set myself free. I sank down onto the mattress, burst into tears and wept until I had cried myself exhausted. Tears for the girl who grew up too quickly, for the man whose life was crazy, for the memories that would always just stay as memories between us and nothing more. But also for the sweetest man who had given me a gift, freeing me from the trap I'd found myself bound inside.

Going into the bathroom, I splashed water on my face and looked at my watch. My client was due in 40 minutes, a new one who I was sure was going to be demanding from the contact he'd had with me so far. And I decided then and there that I was done.

Gathering all my things, I went out the door, pausing at the reception area and speaking to the girl who worked there.

"I'm not feeling great so you'll have to cancel my client or find someone else to come in. Either way, goodbye," and her mouth fell open as I walked out the door and away from that life forever.

The moment I walked in the door of my apartment, I opened my laptop, clicked on the University course I had been wanting to attend for years and started the process to enrol, followed closely by applying for jobs at local cafes. I'd rather be paid next to nothing while I studied than go back to what I was doing and I had enough savings tucked aside to pay the bills for quite a few months if needed. Not once did I miss the money I made when I was Ava. She was a part of my past now.

I kept a track on Jungkook's career over the next few years, marvelling at how the band grew from strength to strength and how much Kook seemed to grow too. There was a shift not long after we said goodbye, a difference on stage, his confidence showing in the way he moved. He just seemed so much more sure of himself and I often wondered if the person he had loved, did in fact love him back and if he was in a relationship with them, all of his emotions coming out on stage. I hoped so for his sake. He deserved to come home from a tour to someone who would remind him that outside of Jungkook of BTS, he was Kook, a sensual, fabulous man who was sweet and also fire in bed.

One day I was sitting in my living room, working on an assignment for University as I ate raymeon, watching an interview I had saved on my BTS youTube playlist. I felt like I knew all the band members now, not just Jungkook and they always made me smile. At times like this it was almost like we were all just sitting in my living room, eating with them as they chatted around me.

"Can you name one of your favourite places you've visited," the reporter was asking and they all seemed to think, some coming up with answers straight away, some thinking a little longer. When it was Jungkook's turn it sounded like he named my city and I spluttered on my food, coughing as I paused it to go get a drink of water. Rewinding it a little to watch it again without food in my mouth, I listened closely to hear he definitely did say my city. Some of the members looked confused, others seem to understand and I assume they're the ones who knew where he was going those evenings when we were in each others arms, hiding their smiles. Kook just looked straight at the camera when he answered and I felt like he was saying hello to me after so many months of wondering if he remembered. "It's a place that is very special to me, I won't ever forget."

That night I had some banana milk to celebrate that our connection had in fact been real.

And now, I found myself surrounded by ARMY, a purple wave of noise and togetherness as we swayed to the music, my first BTS concert. I had been thrilled to get a ticket, selling out fast and spent a fortune making sure it was close to the front. I'd thought about it over the years, unsure of how I could tell him I'd received the money and followed my passions, just like he'd suggested. This was the closest I could come, hoping he'd see me and somehow I could speak to him, knowing it was a 0.2% chance.

The concert itself had been amazing so far, each member incredibly talented and putting their all into their performances, Kook not having really spent anytime our way yet. And then I saw him heading over towards us. Strutting across the stage, he walked out of the glare of the lights, down towards the crowd to interact a little more closely and my breath hitched as he walked my way. He was still singing his parts, smiling and making eye contact with people as he moved, not staying in one place for long. So, when his eyes glossed over me, briefly meeting mine and sliding past, it didn't surprise me that I was just a face in the crowd but I felt a huge twinge of disappointment. Until his shocked expression turned back to me, disbelief in his eyes as he realised who I was. I smiled as he took a few steps my way, blinking erratically, missing the line in the song he was meant to be singing. Everyone around me was shrieking that he was so close, cameras up filming him but I zoned it out, silence descending into the bubble that seemed to just include us as time moved in slow motion. He swallowed before his whole face broke out in a smile and he bowed low towards me. He glanced away, back at the members who were coming from all over the stage back towards the middle. He had a cue he needed to hit, likely needing to run to get there in time.

"After," he mouthed at me and I nodded as he spun on his heel, rushing to get there.

"Do you know Jungkook?!" The person next to me was yelling in my ear, an excited look on her face.

"Everyone knows who Jungkook is," I replied, avoiding the question. Because I couldn't tell her that I knew Jungkook in a way I couldn't possibly describe to her.

"Isn't he dreamy? The way he was looking our way, almost like he was speaking directly to us."

"Yes, he's definitely dreamy," I replied, focused on stage, where he was firmly in his role of JK of BTS. His legs moved quickly, his thighs strong inside the jeans he was wearing and he seemed so focused on what he was doing. But when the dance was over and he moved to the front of the stage, grabbing a towel to mop at his sweat, his head flicking in my direction and my stomach felt butterflies at the thought, after all these years, we could meet again.

Somehow I got through the rest of the concert which I knew was amazing but I found it hard to focus on anything much at all past what would happen at the end. And as the venue emptied out, ARMY friends linking arms and singing as they left, I hovered a little, wondering how I'd get to him. But of course he had it covered, a staff member coming over with a bow and indicating for me to follow them, my nerves ramping up at the thought he was only a few minutes away.

He was searching the doorway as I walked through it, scanning the room until our eyes met, his lighting up with a smile that stretched across his face. Reaching out his hand as I walked towards him, Jungkook pulling me in, wrapping me in a tight hug that caused eyebrows to raise from the members and staff around him before they looked politely away.

"Unfortunately we're not in the room now," he said into my ear and I knew right away that he meant a gentle warning. Everything we did in there was definitely off limits in this environment.

"Aniyo, we're not," I answered and he smiled at my mix of languages, stepping back to look me up and down before guiding me over so we could sit on a sofa together, tucked away from the others.

"I've always looked for you in the crowd when we come over here, hoping I'd see you at least one more time. Thank you for coming to the concert."

"I wouldn't miss it," I said, squeezing his hand.

"I like your hair like this, it looks more like Ella should look."

"I am always only Ella now," I answered, surprised he still remembered my name. "Ava went away a few years ago. About the time an envelope arrived from you."

He looked a little shy when I mentioned it, looking down. "You got it then? I thought of you often and hoped it had made it's way to you."

"That's why I'm here. I came to say thank you as I hadn't been able to find a way to tell you before now. You changed my life that day, I walked away from that life and haven't looked back. I'm a better person now because of it. I've just graduated from design school."

"Ella, that's amazing! That's all I wanted for you, that you could be who you were meant to be. After all, you changed my life too. I will always be grateful for those few nights together and what you taught me. Couldn't have had a better teacher."

"Me too. I remember it well, it was different with you." I was embarrassed to say it but it was the truth. He had stopped being a client after the first night and for the rest of the time he was just Kook, the man who made my heart race a little more than it should.

He looked down at me, taking in my words and I grew shy under his gaze. "I wanted it to be real, I'm glad it was different with me."

"It was real. All the, ah, feelings and experiences we went through when we were together. They were genuine."

He nodded, absorbing my words. "I'm glad, it was a very important time for me. I still have the photo we took together."

"You do?" I was surprised, thinking it would've disappeared on a discarded phone years ago.

"I keep it locked in the cloud," he said. "I don't look at it as often as I used to but I do every now and again and it always makes me smile Bella."

I smiled at the nickname, remembered from so long ago and something I thought he'd have long forgotten. "I never had any proof that we were together for those weeks but I always remembered. You were not someone I could forget."

He smiled at my words, bobbing his head in agreement. We both knew what we shared on those days was unique for just us.

"They'll ask who you are," he said quietly, indicating the room full of people with his head. "But I'll only tell them you were my teacher once, and will always be my favourite one."

He took my hand, kissing the the back of it like I remember him doing in the room, his lips lingering a little before he stroked his thumb across while our fingers were still joined. It didn't feel like a goodbye or an invitation for more. It felt like a moment of connection to remind us of something we'd shared, when we were different people. Those years since then had shaped us both. We'd grown up and become more of who we were meant to be.

"Are you happy," he asked and I smiled at the question in his eyes.

"I am, very. Are you?"

"I am loved by many but by one especially and that has made me happier than I could've thought."

He rubbed his hand over the rings on my left hand. "Are you loved too?"

"I got married a few months ago," I answered. "And yes, we are very much in love. He's a really, really good man."

"Life has worked out well for the both of us Ella Bella," he said, still holding my hand but it didn't feel romantic, it was just right for the both of us. I smiled at his nickname too. That no longer hurt anymore, my parents happy when I'd walked into their living room one day, hugging me close and erasing all the lost years. I'd found my way back to my family, just like he'd said I should.

I wouldn't be visiting him again. Although this wasn't as final as a goodbye, I was married and he was in love. Our moments together were part of our pasts and I didn't need to keep popping into his life to remind him of that time. It seemed we would both always remember anyway and fondly. I'd come here today to say thank you and to let him know I was OK. If they were in town again, I'd go to the concerts. But to join in with ARMY, celebrating how much they all meant to us rather than to speak to him again. Today was partly closing a door, even if I kept it ajar a little from admiration. He was a truly remarkable person.

"Can you stay? Come with us for a meal now? Is your husband here?"

"I won't but thank you. He didn't come here and he doesn't know about you. We don't talk much about that part of my life although he knows what I used to be."

"What you used to do not what you used to be. You've never really been Ava. Definitely not to me."

He was still as sweet as was when I knew him. Fame hadn't changed him in that way and I was grateful for the people that surrounded him, keeping him grounded.

"Thank you Kook. Again."

"If you're ever in Korea," and his voice trailed away, even as his brows furrowed a little.

"If I'm ever in Korea, I'll admire you from a distance," I said, lightly hitting his arm and he grinned.

"Yes, I don't suppose we could double date," he laughed.

"No, it would be hard to explain how we met. But I'll always think fondly of you."

"Me too. My ah, partner, they appreciate some of what you taught me for sure." Now his eyes were really lighting up and he winked at me.

"Kook," I laughed. "Go you! It was definitely something you picked up quickly and were very good at."

"Thanks to you."

"OK, well, yes, it was a team effort," I replied, not allowing myself to indulge in memories of how it felt when we were together. Those were locked away when the ring was slid onto my finger. I didn't picture it anymore but I still knew we had been good together.

Looking around the room I could see people were beginning to move, preparing themselves to leave so I stood up. He reached for me again, drawing me into another hug and I smiled against his shoulder, feeling how broad they had become in the last few years, how much he really had grown up.

"Thank you for coming to see me. I'm so happy to know what happened to you."

"I wasn't sure if I should but I'm glad I did. I really needed to say thank you for changing my life."

He brushed it away with a few small no's and I smiled. His gift might not be that important to him but it really had been to me. However I didn't mention it again, we'd both said our piece. It was done.

"Enjoy your meal. I'll be watching for you online."

"I will and Ella, listen to my solos. Find the lines I wrote for you," and with that, he stepped away, blowing me a kiss as I watched him leave.

Later, before I went home to my husband, I took a moment to sit in the car and scroll through the songs Jungkook had written, settling on one in particular. If this is what he meant, the lines he wrote for me, then I'd treasure them forever, engrave them on my heart and move on to create the family I'd always wanted. Because I loved the life I had now, the life he had been a part of starting and I would hold onto the memory of those weeks in that room as some of the best ones I made before my new life started.

My phone chirped, a text which brought a smile to my face.

"Honey, we're out of milk. I'm making mac n cheese for dinner, can you bring some home? Love you xxx"

It was simple. A few lines from the man who had helped me fall in love, stuck with me while I healed, promised me forever and who treated me like I now knew I deserved. Switching on Spotify, I found the lyrics I had decided were mine and played them as I drove home to my forever love.

"Did you wander in search of an erased dream, different from common words like destiny.

Your painful eyes see the same thing as me.

Won't you please stay in my dreams."

- Euphoria, Jungkook of BTS