LISA
I caressed Jennie's photograph in its frame on my desk. The one I'd taken of her with my mobile when she showed me Lady Percival for the first time at the Rothvale. She looked so happy and beautiful. Last night she wasn't happy. No, I'd scared her and then made things worse by sending her away when she tried to reach out to me.
. . . God in heaven, I fucked up with her. I tried to imagine switching places. What if it had been she who had sent me away after a nightmare and refused my comfort? I've been on the receiving end of that before, and it sucked. It had felt awful, just like I'd made her feel.
Still, I had been afraid last night of what I might do to her if she touched me any more than she did. The other times I woke up from one of those nightmares? Yeah . . . not nice. I'd gone off on fucking tangents—literally. Using sex, and Jennie, to level me out to a place where I could come back down from that horrible place I'd found myself in my dreams. She didn't understand how much I was walking the razor's edge in those moments. I didn't trust myself with her. What if I hurt her or went too far with the sex? She was pregnant and vulnerable now. I just couldn't take the risk of what I might do.
It had been the hardest thing to send her back inside last night when she wanted to stay with me and listen to my story. She'd tried to hold me, but I'd kept her back. I hadn't even looked at her face, because if I'd done it I would have caved. I had no willpower when it came to Jennie.
To keep myself from taking her after I came back inside, I'd slept the remainder of the night on the couch. I didn't trust myself to get back into bed with her. All it would take was her scent up my nose and the sound of her breathing next to me and I would've been on her and buried deep, trying to get lost inside her. Jennie was my heaven. I'd seek out my heaven endlessly. I knew myself well.
She was right, though. About so many things, but about last night's fuckup she was completely right. I needed some help. There were places I could go for it. Lots of soldiers came home from the war with issues and baggage. I was just another in a long fucking line of others before me. I got that. I didn't want to face the demons, but I knew I needed to. More important priorities were in the canvas that was my life. I had Jennie now. We had a child on the way. Neither needed me having psycho dreams and terrorizing their peaceful nights.
I had to ask myself why. Why was I suddenly back to that time so vividly in my subconscious? Could Jennie's situation be triggering the long-shelved memories of my time as prisoner and bringing them back to life? Fucking hell . . . It was a painful thought, but probably spot-on accurate.
I'd make it up to her tonight. Flowers, dinner, romance—complete honesty about the hell I'd been in and how I'd made it out. She deserved to know everything, and was strong enough to handle it. The bonus was having her support on some of the emotional burden. This was one of the aspects of a deep relationship. She shared her stuff with me. Why wasn't I doing the same? Because you are a thoughtless arsehole a lot of the time and you need to work on that.
Jennie hated when I shielded her from things. I'd learned firsthand that she was incredibly strong, with the will to fight ingrained deeply inside her. She was no coward, and wouldn't go down without giving it her all. My girl faced her fears head on. I should take her example and do the same. I accepted the time had come for me to seek out some professional help and to trust someone else with the burden of my demons. Jennie would be there to help me through it, and I couldn't be in better hands than hers.
Jennie would also serve my arse to me on a silver platter and I should be prepared for that when I got home. She would never let this issue go, regardless. I had to grin at the thought of her reaction to me tonight. She'd looked gorgeous as usual with her eyes blazing, hands on her hips, battle-ready and full of fire. I looked forward to seeing the change in her when I came in bearing gifts and humbled, ready to finally share with her the darkest demons inhabiting the unmentionable places in my soul. And how she might reward me for all that, afterward . . .
I had some phone calls to make and plans to be put into motion. Time was speeding by at a reckless clip and there was no time for sitting around woolgathering over regrets that couldn't be remedied. I sent Jennie a text first: I love u. Sorry 4 last nite. xx I'm going 2 fix things ok?
I dialed my sister in Somerset and waited for the call to connect.
"Sister, you have impeccable timing. I just had a visit from Mr. Simms, and he's got some papers for you that need signatures."
"That is very welcome news then. Let me have Frances get you an overnight slip and we'll do it that way."
"Sure. I do think it's the most marvelous idea, L."
I grinned in my seat. "I do too. After having a look, do you think it's possible in such a short time?"
"Well, it'll be close, but I think it can be done—not everything, mind you, but for your purposes, yes."
"Good. I mean, I trust you implicitly, Han. Just do your best."
"When can you come here? At some point you need to see it with your own eyes."
"Right. I won't be able to manage anything until the closing ceremonies, but the moment that's all behind me I'll slip in a quick trip . . . somehow."
--
JENNIE
I kissed Mino on the cheek and hugged him tight. Then I went right back to looking at the image proofs on the screen. "Oh my god. I love them all, Mino. I can't choose."
He laughed softly. "She'll think they're beautiful, Jen. They are. They're breathtaking."
"Thank you so much for doing this for me on the spur of the moment. The idea just came to me after . . . something that happened . . . and I wanted to do these pictures for Lisa. Nobody will ever see them but us." I touched his cheek. "Thank you for making that possible, my dear, amazing friend."
Mino smiled down at me with such kindness—I could tell he was touched I had asked him to take special pictures of me. Very special pictures indeed. Just me and my wedding veil. And only ever for Lisa's eyes to see.
Lisa . . . yeah. We had yet to talk about last night. She'd never come back to bed and when I woke up this morning she was already gone from the flat. That bullshit wasn't going to fly with me tonight, though. I would be sitting her down when she arrived home and she would talk to me—or else.
Or else what? I didn't have all the answers, but I'd think of something. She was in bad shape emotionally with those nightmares and I had absolutely no intention of allowing her to continue suffering without some professional help to deal with them. And the part she had shared with me last night just shredded my heart into pieces. Her torturers were going to behead her and taunted her with the fact. I couldn't imagine how she had endured it all and wasn't stark raving mad. It made me want to wrap my arms around her and shower her in my love. Lisa was going to get it from me whether she wanted it or not, I vowed.
"Hey, is everything all right with you two? You look a little worried there, luv."
I nodded and began folding up my veil carefully and repacking it. "We are fine. Just some relationship stuff that needs to be aired out." I put my hands on my hips. "But I've got it covered. She can be so damn stubborn, you know?"
Mino laughed at me. "Riiiiight. You're talking to the right guy on that topic, Jen. I agree with you completely." Mino winked at me and packed up his equipment. "Come on, beautiful girl, let me get you back home before Manoban starts looking for you, thinking you've gone on the lam. I take it this is a surprise and she has no idea you're with me, doing this."
"Nope. No idea whatsoever. This was a spur-of-the-moment decision and I've kept my phone turned off all morning so she couldn't track me with GPS. I'll turn it back on when I get home and she'll see that I'm safe and sound, and be none the wiser."
Mino shook his head at me and looked up at the ceiling.
"You're a wicked sneak and I don't have any idea what you are talking about."
I snorted at Mino.
"I'm dead serious, Jen. Don't involve me in your plans to deceive your lover. I want to live to see thirty, thank you."
"Don't worry so much," I teased as we went out to his car, "it's giving you frown lines."
Mino frowned at me then caught himself, smoothing out his forehead and trying to be sly about it. Mino was hilarious a lot of the time, and it felt good to laugh.
Annabelle was at the flat when Mino dropped me at the door. He had to head off for another appointment, but we made plans for dinner on the weekend. I had a favor I wanted to ask of him and had even already discussed the idea with Lisa, but I wanted Lisa and I to ask him together. No rushing a good thing, and this was something really important to me.
Annabelle interrupted my thoughts with her usual greeting. "Hello, missus."
"Oh, hi, Annabelle. Any messages while I was out?" I asked carefully, really hoping that Lisa had not been frantically looking for me and getting everyone upset.
"No, missus. It's been a very quiet day. The mail arrived for you and some packages."
"Oh, good. I hope it's the sample wedding favors." I wished she would call me Jennie, but Annabelle was very old-school in her ways and it seemed that anything more familiar than "missus" was out of the question. Still, I liked her a lot. Annabelle came here twice a week, on Mondays and Thursdays, mostly to clean and do the laundry. She cooked for us, but only on those days. She used to make things and freeze them for Lisa to heat up whenever she made it home, but I stopped that practice when I moved in.
Lisa had me to take care of her now on the other days of the week, and cooking was something I enjoyed.
This had caused a bit of a flare from Annabelle at first, mostly because she had been her housekeeper for five years and liked things to be very organized and planned out. Since my arrival, though, we'd all had to get comfortable with each other and figure out our various roles and routines. We fixed it by having her do the cooking only on the Mondays and Thursdays she worked, and planned around her schedule.
"I set them on the desk in the office as usual for you."
"Thanks, Annabelle, I'll open them later." I peered around her into the kitchen, surprised there didn't seem to be anything started for dinner. Annabelle always had something nice simmering or baking on her days.
"Miss Frances called and said Ms. Manoban would be taking you out for dinner this evening." Annabelle could read minds too it seemed.
"Oh, is that right?" I raised a brow. "I love how she has Frances deliver that information."
"Yes, missus." Annabelle smiled at me.
"Well, I should have a shower, then, and start getting ready," I said, checking my watch.
"Oh, I nearly forgot to tell you before I go, the aquarium service will be coming at four o'clock for the fish tank. Ms. Manoban scheduled it a few weeks ago and made sure it fell on one of my days. They called to confirm, but I've an appointment this afternoon, and will have to leave early," she barely paused to take a breath, "but you needn't worry, missus, I've let Mr. Len know the time and he will let them into Ms. Manoban's office once they arrive."
"Thank you, Annabelle. I'm sure Simba will be thrilled."
She laughed at my comment and shook her head. "That fish is something else, he is."
--
The shower felt good, and I was glad Lisa had plans for me this evening. It meant she was trying to make amends for last night and I really hoped she would finally be opening up to me about her past. It was time for me to know. And honestly it felt really nice to be the one to take care of her for a change. Our whole relationship had been built on Lisa protecting me, taking care of me, and recently with the pregnancy bomb, ready to marry me. I'd like to be the one driving the boat once in a while, but to do that she had to allow me to. I was glad that finally seemed about to happen. Tonight I'd get to be her strength.
As I was blow-drying my hair I realized I'd forgotten to turn on my phone when I returned home. Lisa would have something to say about that, I was sure. Shit. I hated being scolded by her, but reasoned that if she was really panicked about me, she would call Len and talk to him. Len would confirm where I was. I just hoped Len wouldn't also mention the part about Mino taking me away and dropping me off back home. I wanted the photographs to be a complete surprise. They were my wedding gift to Lisa.
I hurried to finish so I could go down and find my phone to check for messages, really hoping that Lisa had been so busy with the event venues she hadn't noticed my absence. Fat chance of that happening. she notices everything.
I got my purse off the kitchen counter and dug out my phone, but when I tried to turn it on, the battery was totally dead. It needed a charge in order to even check my messages.
The charger cords for everything were in Lisa's office. I started for the hall and remembered the aquarium service appointment. They were probably already set up and working by now. I checked the clock on the microwave; it read 4:38. Yep, they were here. I decided to bust in on them anyway. I needed my phone.
I knocked before I went in. "Sorry to interrupt, but I need my phone charger."
The guy bent over the tank had his hands full with tubing and buckets. He gave me a nod from the back with a "yeah" and kept on doing his thing. He didn't seem to mind me, so after I plugged in my phone and turned it on I started to look through the mail on the desk.
I was opening the first box when arms slammed around me and pinned me from behind.
"What the hell—" My speech was stopped by a hand over my mouth.
"Jennie . . . I've waited so long for this moment. So long . . ." he murmured in a voice that sounded familiar but I couldn't place it.
My mind was racing; whoever this person was, they'd come to kill me. My time was at an end. I would die tonight and Lisa would find my body. We wouldn't have a life together after all. Our baby wouldn't be born in February, because killing me would kill our baby too. There wouldn't be a wedding at Hallborough, and I'd never give Lisa my gift of the photos . . .
I would have begged for my life if I'd been able to. But there was no air for speaking, or crying, or even for breathing.
But knowing I was going to die wasn't the worst part. The worst feeling in all of this was that I would never get to see Lisa again, or touch her, or tell her how much I loved her. My final moment with her had been last night when she sent me back inside so she could be alone. Oh, God, this would destroy my Lisa. She'd never forgive herself for this.
My captor kept me pinned up tight against his body and his mouth at my ear. I struggled, but my strength was waning. He gripped the back of my neck and squeezed, my nose and mouth covered, my lungs screaming for air, I felt a haze begin to surround me as my vision clouded. I was going down. It was finally happening. Everything Lisa had tried to prevent was to happen anyway . . . and I couldn't stop it.
Oh, Lisa . . . I'm so sorry. I love you so much and I'm so terribly sorry . . .