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Ch.60- "Heterogeneous"
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While the stables were far from full, it was delightful for there to once more be life outside of their tiny barracks. Two dozen yearlings, mostly browns and bays with the occasional chestnut and dun scattered about, had been herded into the back of the base by a handful of breeders, and the Scouts had been absolutely delighted by the sight of them. Cadet or veteran officer, one would be hard pressed to find a soldier who didn't feel a childish giddiness when it was time to ride within the Walls.
"Oooh, these are some real beauties," Hange crooned as the recruits led them into their paddocks. "I already know which one I want."
"It'd best not be the palomino, because that one's mine," Erwin informed them as he signed the receipt in duplicate, taking the copy the breeder handed back to him. His section commander groaned miserably.
"Oh, come on- he's the prettiest one!"
"He's also the most visually distinct; there's a reason I began riding a gray when I was named the commander." Lowering his voice, he leaned down to whisper in Hange's ear. "Of course, if you want to be the person all the other soldiers will look to in the field, I would be happy to--"
"I'd rather take a wood plane to the sole of my foot." Regardless of who called dibs on which horse, at the moment, no one steed would be assigned to any particular rider.
They were all saddle broken, but being ridable was the least important element needed for Survey Corps horses, and starting the next day, every morning at the crack of dawn, Levi and the recruits would head out to the old base in Wall Rose with half a dozen horses. They needed to be acclimatized to the sounds of ODM gear and flares and the sights of vertical maneuvering and Titans. It was a lucky thing that they had a… somewhat trained Titan at their disposal; these horses would not be baptized in the blood of actual combat. Eren was still extremely sullen, but thankfully, his anger and misery had transmuted from loathsome rants to silent brooding.
As far as Erwin cared, he could be as moody and withdrawn as he wanted, so long as he followed orders, and thankfully, he still fell in line when Levi gave him a command. It was possible that his obedience was only enforced because at the moment, he was outnumbered eight to one and once Mikasa returned from the north next week, he would decide he wanted nothing to do with "traitors"… but it was just as possible that, as his grief slowly waned, he was beginning to understand that the world at large was not his enemy and his vitriol was only hurting himself. Erwin hoped it was the latter; he truly hated being so despised by one of his own soldiers, and given that he was going to have to appear alongside Eren and the rest of the Corps for an honoring ceremony the queen was insisting upon, it would be great if the boy didn't spend the entire time glaring at him as though he were trying to utilize the Progenitor's power to force him to drop dead on the spot. Thankfully, it wouldn't be held until the end of the month, so hopefully that would give Eren enough time to get over himself.
~o0o~
Having finally filled out the invoice for a new shipment of iceburst gas, Erwin pushed the papers related to the Survey Corps to the side of his desk, finally taking a moment to deal with the personal matter that had been sitting on the opposite side for the last three days. The price of the renewed lease for his and Thomasin's house on the Trost outskirts (if he just thought of it as "his", he'd get cold feet and back out of the lease) had increased by forty percent. If this had happened a month ago, he would have headed to the landlord's home in Ehrmich and informed him of what happened to the last lord who crossed him, but Erwin had too many things to deal with to make a hassle over another eight Sinas, especially when his monthly salary had been nearly doubled following their last mission. It wasn't just his, of course- all of his Scouts had received a massive influx of wages.
He had spoken to Zachary about it, and publicly, the excuse was that it was a bonus of sorts, a reward for the successful reclamation of Wall Maria. In truth, it was a temporary measure to ensure that their funding did not slide back down- if their branch did not continue using the same amount of money as before the expedition, certain factions would use that as an excuse to reduce their funding, and once they did, Erwin knew from experience that clawing it back once they replenished their ranks would be an uphill battle, one he was not willing to fight.
It was toeing the line of acceptable- even the Premier had been reluctant to afford forty percent of the combined wages of over a hundred soldiers to nine. If it had been a matter of taking money from the pensions afforded to the families of the fallen, there would be no argument, but who else but a Scout would acknowledge that the dead had names, much less loved ones? No, as usual, the heads of the other branches were arguing that any excess funds should be distributed to the branches that needed them, but Erwin would not compromise. That money belonged to the Survey Corps- they were the Survey Corps, and if the other branches wanted to slip it into their own pockets, they could work for it just as the Scouts had; by fighting Titans and watching their comrades be burned and crushed alive. The details of the mission had been omitted from the papers, having been deemed "too disturbing" to regale the general public with, but if anyone had complaints about what those shiftless layabout in the Corps had done to earn their precious tax dollars, Erwin would happily give an exclusive interview. Even as Zachary signed off on the modified wages, his lips had turned down in annoyance…
"Luck has been on your side for some time, Erwin, but it would behoove you not to push it too far."
"This is not me pushing my luck, General; this is me doing humanity a favor. When people unaccustomed to the carnage we've grown numb to begin heading to Shiganshina and finally catch a glimpse of what's waiting for them on the other side of Wall Maria, there will not be enough riches in the world to bribe anyone to head into that. You can still see the bones of the refugees from the culling poking out from the dirt no more than a kilometer from Wall Rose. The MPs won't ever risk their own skin. The Garrison won't ever go beyond the perimeter of the Walls. If you try to force people to take on these horrors, the only war you'll be facing is the people of Paradis doing to you the same thing you're doing to Lord Clemons. If you want more martyrs, the least you can do is pay us well for it." Zachary's lips curved into a smile, but his eyes remained cold.
"Cunning as ever, Erwin… I'm starting to see why Keith hated you; there is nothing so loathsome as seeing an egotistical little shit and knowing he is gunning for your job."
"No offense, sir, but I don't even want my job- what makes you think I want yours ?"
"You thrive on being in control, using every underhanded trick in the book to get what you want. You might have been able to pull the wool over Dot's eyes for a time, but I know you better than you know yourself; I was you." The older man chuckled as he rose, taking the folder to one of the filing cabinets along the opposite wall. "Unfortunately for you, I like my job, so you're going to have to wait until I'm cold and buried to see the full extent of your devious machinations…"
The only machinations Erwin had in mind was setting up the Survey Corps to be able to continue functioning in his absence so that hopefully, he would be able to retire sooner rather than later. It would be slow going given that he was, for all intents and purposes, building the branch from the ground up, but every step forward was progress. He'd even shown the recruits how to set up accounts with the bank of Ehrmich- most of them had never even heard of the concept of depositing ones' money in a centralized account, and they naturally viewed the concept with distrust, wondering why they couldn't just keep their money with their other belongings as they had before. He assured them they were more than welcomed to… and also reminded them of the terrifying scenario thousands of people had found themselves in when Wall Maria fell, losing everything they had (faced with the prospect of being robbed blind, the recruits were more than happy to allow him to arrange for half of their increased salary to be deposited every month, especially once he introduced them to the concept of "interest").
Hopefully within the next decade, farms and industry would return to to Wall Maria and that, along with the shadow ban on innovation being lifted, would help pull their pocket of humanity out of the economic recession it had been wallowing in for the last five years. While he didn't expect the average Scout's wages to remain nearly this high, it would help attract new recruits if they could instate even a flat fifty percent increase. It was a wonderful dream, but it was also a long way off, especially considering that one of the main issues facing them now was a shortage of manpower.
The farmers and ranchers and tradesmen who once made Wall Maria flourish had been the very ones the Assembly sent out to be slaughtered, and combined with those who died from the Titans initially and those who succumbed to hunger, inhospitable conditions and martial law, expecting Wall Maria to return to its former glory even within a decade was perhaps aiming too high. Queen Historia was already in talks of arranging several hundred plots of land for people from the Underground to homestead within the outer wall, but those thousands barely filled in the gap left by the quarter of a million that had perished. Multiple officials studying census records were beginning to prescribe that the only way to restore what had been lost was to increase the birth rate.
Perhaps it was a kindness then that, under the Fritz/Reiss rule, ignorance had been encouraged amongst the masses because if Thomasin was anything to go by, knowing what childbirth entailed was the easiest way to ensure it never happened. She had calmed slightly over the last few days, her frenzied panics tempering into a hopeless acceptance of her fate, the look in her eyes eerily mirroring the deadened gazes of the refugees that had marched to their doom four years ago. He'd tried to keep his letter to Nile as cordial as possible while also imparting the absolute desperation of his request and now after nearly a week, he finally received a response, such an enthusiastic acceptance that he couldn't help but smile as he read it. The Doks were more than happy to host the Smiths at any time during the coming week, seeing as the following week, Nile would have to head into Mitras to help set up security for the upcoming ceremony. With arrangements made, the issue now was getting Thomasin on board. It was possible it might not be that difficult- she seemed to be feeling… better. Not great, not even good, but she had yet to end up back under the bed and had only locked herself in the bathroom twice.
She spent most of her time in the courtyard, sitting on the lip of the non-functional fountain that took up space in the corner. Erwin had taken it as a heartening sign when he'd seen her taking bread out, hopeful that the calm and fresh-ish air would help stoke her appetite, only to find her tearing off chunks to feed the birds that often loitered around their supplies. It seemed a silly thing to him, but if feeding wild animals brought her any small amount of comfort, he was prepared to buy out the bakery's entire stock of bread. She usually remained sitting out there until late in the day when Levi and the recruits returned from their training.
She didn't interact with the younger Scouts, and though a small part of him had worried that perhaps they agreed with Eren's sentiment that his personal issues needed to stay as far from the Survey Corps as possible, Thomasin had assured him that wasn't at all the case. The recruits all assumed she was there to help with the upcoming Titan experiments, and when she informed them that she would have nothing to do with them, they seemed rather disappointed. It wasn't that they begrudged her staying on base- she simply wanted as little to do with children of any age as possible, which was why spotting a familiar shock of bright auburn hair sitting beside her for an extended length of time the other day had come as such a surprise. Thomasin made no mention of the encounter, and nothing in her attitude seemed to change, so Erwin was content to let her keep her silence. That didn't mean he wasn't curious. A knock on his door drew his attention away from the window.
"Sir? Section Commander Hange sent me." Speak of the devil…
"Come in." Floch had already tucked the folders he carried under his arm by the time he opened the door, freeing his hands to salute. "At ease. What do they want this time?"
"Uh, the section commander wants you to sign off on a device to extract Titan spinal fluid. They said they want to send it off to one of the factory cities to get a prototype made so they can have some doctor in Wall Sina note any changes that need to be made before it can be usable." Erwin frowned slightly, holding out his hand to accept the folder and flipping through it.
"…I feel like a tree tapper would be 'usable'- the problem is keeping the spinal fluid itself from evaporating."
"The section commander said they have a plan for that, but that's why they want to speak with the doctor." Glancing up, he noticed the boy looking away and raised a brow.
"Why do I get the feeling that sentiment ended with a lengthy rant about how 'we have a doctor right outside, but someone is being a big, stingy baby and doesn't want to share his boon with humanity'?"
"But… Mrs. Smith isn't a doctor, right? She's a nurse."
"Thank you, Floch- now if you could please explain that distinction to Hange, I would be forever in your debt." He paused for a moment. "I'm curious, though- did Hange tell you that, or did it naturally come up when you were speaking to my wife the other day?" Watching the color drain from Floch's face as his eyes widened in terror was almost amusing. "I'm not censuring you; she can speak to whomever she wants about whatever she desires and you're free to be sociable in return. If she felt comfortable enough to speak with you, I'm glad. I just wonder who initiated that conversation."
"…she did." This time, both thick brows raised.
"Oh?" He couldn't keep the smirk entirely off his face. "And how did you respond? Did you start proselytizing about how I'm humanity's savior, or how I'm literally the devil incarnate, because depending on which one, I think I can guess exactly how that conversation went." He could perfectly envision the look of pure disgust on Thomasin's face if anyone tried to proclaim him a savior of anything. Unfortunately, Floch didn't find the situation nearly as amusing as Erwin did, bowing his head as the white-faced terror shifted into red-faced shame, much to his confusion.
"Neither. I was thinking it… wondering how anyone could marry someone so cold and heartless, but… she called me over. She wanted to speak to me. She said the lieutenant told her who I was and what I did in Shiganshina and she… she thanked me. For saving you." He glanced up, his brown eyes misty. "She looked so sad, but she was so nice and she just kept thanking me over and over again, and I just started thinking 'am I really such a piece of shit that I would even consider telling a stranger that they're married to the devil?' If some dumb-ass kid started insulting my dad to my mom, that would break her heart." Erwin considered telling the boy there was no insult he could levy against him that Thomasin had not already thought of herself, but then he actually realized what Floch had said.
"She… thanked you for saving me…?" The boy nodded solemnly.
"Afterwards, she told me that when you and her joined the Survey Corps, all of the other recruits from your year were killed on the first two missions and how you risked your life to save hers. She said after she was discharged, you were the only person from the 89th Corps left."
"Yes. That's right."
"She told me how you helped the refugees who survived the failed reclamation effort after Wall Maria fell, and how you always got upset when soldiers died… I was wrong about you, Commander Erwin."
"How so?" he asked, not bothering to keep the suspicion from his voice.
"Someone who would leave his wife behind to save humanity isn't a devil… a man who would give up his own life to save someone else is a hero." 'Oh, no…' "Back in Shiganshina, I was a short-sighted idiot, too caught up in my own anger and grief to see the truth. I-- I almost killed you, and then I had the nerve to get mad at Eren for doing the same thing! God gave me an epiphany to stop me from making the greatest mistake of my life- I acknowledged that, and afterwards, I still hated you! I was so blind… it's unforgivable…!" 'Oh, this is somehow so much worse…' It was turning into "St. Erwin" all over again, only without a shred of irony this time… Trying to push down his intense discomfort at the direction the conversation had turned, Erwin attempted to stop Floch before he construct yet another plinth to put his false pedestal upon.
"Floch, I understand the anger you felt towards me- believe me, I do. I have felt the same rage and sense of injustice towards my own commander. Fear and anger are two sides of the same coin, and unlike a certain someone, you did eventually return to your senses. All of that can be forgiven, but I must implore you to please stop this 'savior' nonsense. I am not the selfless hero you so desperately want me to be- you need to severely temper your expectations." The eyes staring at him weren't exceptionally cold, nor were they warmed with the flames of adoration. There was a shrewdness in those eyes that made their owner seem far older than he was.
"…would you do anything to keep your wife safe, Commander?"
"Of course I would," he answered without hesitation, and Floch nodded.
"Your wife lives on Paradis, so naturally you'd go to any lengths to save Paradis. Even if I don't understand or even agree with your plans, that's what's at the core of them; saving the people within our Walls, of which Mrs. Smith is one of them. You've proven to better people than me that you're worth putting faith in, so I will. If you're not 'selfless', that's fine- neither am I. The only reason I joined the Survey Corps in the first place was to protect the people I care about. I don't want what happened to my friends and comrades to happen to my family. Maybe that's not a pure enough reason, but I don't care." Brown eyes narrowed, growing darker. "You and me are the only people who lived through that nightmare, Commander Erwin. We both have families to protect, and we're the only people alive who know exactly what's going to happen to them if we don't do what needs to be done. I swear to you, I will do everything in my power to help you protect Paradis from our enemies."
It was worrying to think how far this boy's opinion of him would fall if- or rather, when- he failed to live up to his expectations, but despite his concern, Erwin could not help but feel both humbled and thankful. This strange conversation reminded him of when he had first been named a captain, when people put their trust in him not because of his station but because, through his actions, he proved to them that he had their best interests at heart. Even if the other recruits in Levi's squad did not openly denounce him the way Eren did, the fact that not one of them so much as spoke up in his favor was a bitter pill to swallow. It did his heart good to know he was still capable of winning over loyalty.
"I will do my best not to disappoint you, Floch, but please bear in mind that I am only human."
"You're not, though," the boy reminded him, a wicked grin tugging at his lips. "You're the Colossal Titan… and you're on our side…"
~o0o~
That night, as they ate together- or rather, as Erwin ate and Thomasin slowly broke the toasted bread she held into smaller and smaller pieces before reluctantly forcing herself to nibble at it- he showed her Nile's letter. Since she stopped "jonsing" as Levi put it, watching her sustain herself on the same kinds of bland, "light" foods he'd be relegated to eating during his recovery filled him with a horrible sense of guilt. Even though she explained that such paltry fare was the only way she could avoid exacerbating her nausea and he knew some food was better than no food, it still felt as though he were somehow failing her all over again by not finding something both palatable and sustaining. A piece of bread dangled from her lips as she frowned at the letter, her brows furrowing more and more until she reached the bottom of the page and her entire face was scrunched up in displeasure.
"I think going around Wednesday would be best. So, do you want to?"
"No," she groused, not even bothering to stop chewing. Erwin had fully expected that answer, but he still sighed quietly.
"Any particular reason?"
"Plenty of reasons." He waited for her to continue, but she opted instead to begin eating faster.
"…and… would you care to enlighten me as to what those reasons are, or--?"
"My hair's a mess. I have nothing to wear. I'm not going to see your former fiancee looking like a homeless person."
"I extended the lease of the house in Trost for another month- I figured that tub would be easier for you to use, so you can wash your hair there, and now that we have horses again, I can take you to Calaneth to get your clothes. The coop is still here- we can even bring Henry and Bernie back. Hell, I can ask Hange to help me bring it to the base if you want them to be closer; they can stay in the stables." He half expected her to get angry that he was trying to once again imprison her back in that horrible, lonely house, but much to his relief, there was no anger or distrust in her eyes as she looked at him. She simply shook her head.
"They're too old for that. Going back and forth between districts stresses them out; I think I'd rather just buy more feed and give Mary a few Roses so she can feed them for me a little longer…"
"I can do that if you don't feel up to traveling. I can bring all your clothes if you want."
"What clothes?" she asked with a slight frown. "I don't own anything but my uniforms and the same rags I've been wearing for years. I can do without some hoity-toity Sina socialite-wannabe looking down her nose at me…" Erwin snorted.
"You're joking, right? Marie is from a tiny village in Wall Rose and Nile is a hunter from the backwoods of Maria- these are the opposite of Sina people. I'm the closest thing to a 'Sina socialite' you know… but if you really don't like any of the clothes you have, we can go to Ehrmich and buy you something new to wear. You're going to need new clothes anyway, unless you want to start exclusively wearing my things, and even those look like they're going to start getting tight around the middle, soon…" It was difficult to see when she was wearing one of his button-downs, but the rounded bump of her stomach seemed to be growing more pronounced by the day, as were her breasts. She had complained a few days ago that her stays were starting to dig into her ribs painfully, and reluctantly stopped wearing them. She scowled, looking more upset than angry.
"This is bullshit- stupid brat's not even born yet, and it's already costing me money…" Setting his fork down, Erwin got up, walking around his desk to sit beside her. Given that she was seated on the far right side of the sofa, he had to reach all the way across the both of them to pull her into a rather pathetic embrace, but the fact that she let him, that she willingly, almost eagerly, pressed herself against his side, more than made up for that fact.
"Don't think of it that way- think of it as the perfect excuse to buy a fancy new wardrobe."
"I don't want a new wardrobe," she grumbled under her breath, and he rested his chin atop her head.
"Yes, you do. Everyone wants new clothes." He paused for a moment, considering something. "…you know, my birthday's coming up. How about we make a date of it; we can go wherever you want, and whatever you think looks nice, we'll get it. My treat." She pulled away from him to fix him with a frown.
"How is that a gift for you?"
"How is getting to spend the entire day watching my beautiful wife try on all kinds of pretty clothes not a gift for me?" Her cheeks flushed, giving her face a warm glow that all but canceled out the cold light of the glowstone lamp on the desk. She looked as though she might smile until, from the corner of her eye, she caught sight of the letter again, and her entire posture seemed to deflate. She dropped her gaze back to the plate in her lap.
"…I still don't wanna go to your friend's house. I-- I don't like being around strangers…"
"Nile's not a stranger," he reminded her gently. "You know him. And as for Marie, you shouldn't think of her as a stranger on the street. I think in this situation, it would better to consider her… a doctor- or better yet, a midwife. We're visiting them primarily for medical advice, after all, so just think of it as a late afternoon trip to a clinic." Thomasin scratched the back of her left hand, running her nails over the skin there back and forth in an almost rhythmic pattern.
"I didn't exactly enjoy my last trip to a clinic…"
"This won't be like that," Erwin told her firmly as he turned and grabbed her right hand, lacing his fingers together with hers. "You won't be going by yourself. You won't be alone; I'm going to be right beside you."
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They went back to the house two days later- not to stay long, just for the tub and the few things Thomasin had left behind. As he saddled his new horse, the absolutely gorgeous palomino (Thomasin openly smiled when he led the colt out of the stable, complete with that delighted, breathy little laugh he hadn't heard in so long), he told her about the amazing bathtubs he had seen in the homes of the nobility. Giant pools cast from iron- imagine wasting such a precious resource on a tub!- and coated with porcelain, big enough for someone as tall as him to stretch out comfortably.
"Would you want something like that?" he asked as he tightened the billet. She scoffed, though she did not stop combing her fingers through the horse's golden forelock.
"Why would I ever want to waste money installing a fancy rich people tub in a house I don't own?"
"I mean in a house you would own." Straightening, Erwin looked her in the eye, his voice low and serious. "We could still have that cottage by the lake…" The discomfort Thomasin resonated was palpable, and she turned her attention back to the horse.
"I-- I don't wanna think about that, now. That's too much…"
"You don't have to think about it now. We have time," he reminded her softly. "We have so much time. I just want you to know that I haven't forgotten about it."
"I didn't even think you were serious when you brought that up. I thought that was just something you were saying to shut me up because I was mad at you."
"…Thomasin, I've thought about living with you since you still lived in Shiganshina." She seemed genuinely surprised by that admission, and he busied himself with bringing over a crate for her to step on. "Granted, I never considered moving to Shiganshina- I always… thought of us living in Krolva. Probably because it was the only home I'd known at that point in my life."
"And what would you have done in Krolva," she pressed, "commuted to the Survey Corps base in Trost every day on horse back?"
"I don't know," he confessed hopelessly. "I didn't think that far ahead. They weren't legitimate plans for the future, just idle daydreams- it didn't even occur to me that it was possible for you to reciprocate my feelings back then. Eventually, it got to a point where I started thinking about you living with other men; that's how little I considered myself a viable contender for your affection." He could no longer lift her onto the saddle himself, but he still offered his arm to help her balance as she climbed onto the crate. It took a fair bit of finagling for her to pull herself onto the saddle.
"What other men?"
"I don't know," he repeated as he put his left foot in the stirrup and swung his right leg over the saddle with practiced ease, careful to avoid accidentally kicking the woman behind him. He wished she would let it drop, but of course she wouldn't. For the first time in weeks- months at this point- she actually seemed to be enjoying talking to him.
"What do you mean, you don't know? What, so you were just imagining me fucking different random guys during each of these 'idle daydreams'? You really are a cuckold." Erwin rolled his eyes with a heavy sigh, grabbing the reins. He hated to admit such a thing, but… she was being open with him, so open about so many things. He owed her at least this much.
"…I won't say 'Levi', but… usually Levi." She snorted loudly, quietly wheezing as she tried to stifle the chortles shaking her entire body.
"Oh my god- you were jealous of that shorty! You thought I was going to fuck him!"
"Can you blame me!? You were so… giggly around him- from the beginning, you were more open with him than you had ever been with me! It wasn't fair, and I loathed him for it. I wanted to throw that fucking midget out of a window!" He stiffened, shocked and horrified by the extent of his bitterness. He honestly hadn't believed himself to be harboring such resentment after all these years. He hated himself for raising his voice, but Thomasin didn't seem at all bothered by his outburst.
"So that's why you always got so weird and quiet when we talked… I thought it was because you were pissed off because you thought we were doing something illegal, like selling drugs, and it was hurting the Corps' sterling reputation." As he squeezed the horse behind the dithers, spurring him forward, her arms slowly wrapped around his stomach, her fingers finding and playing with the small buttons there. "…I never, in a million years, would have guessed you were jealous of anything- especially concerning me. I didn't think you cared about anything but finding other humans beyond the Walls and proving your father right…"
"That was always at the forefront of my mind, but… even back then, that was a dream I wanted to be done with one day. I wanted that to be a thing I did, not something that would consume my entire life." He glanced over his shoulder back at her. "If I had told you that back then, that one day I wanted to retire and start a family, would that have made you happy?" Thomasin remained still and silent for a long time, staring at something past him. She shook her head slightly.
"I wouldn't have believed you. 'One day' would never come."
" 'One day' has already happened. Do you believe me now?"
"You haven't retired."
"Do you want me to?" he asked, very seriously. "Do you want me to retire right this moment, because I will- I will get on that ferry and go to Mitras and hand in my resignation today--"
"And then what? You don't have another job lined up. You don't know a trade. You have no practical life skills, and you're a cripple." She leaned forward, pressing her head against his back, his shirt muffling her voice slightly. "Don't be stupid… at least stay in the Survey Corps until that bonus runs out- make as much money as you can before ditching them…" It was Erwin's turn to snort, laughing loudly enough for passersby on the street to stare at him.
"You're right. I should be using this lull to learn a trade and build a house; that way, as soon as we get new recruits next year- bam! I can get out before anyone realizes what's happened. It's genius!"
"You're an idiot…"
The trip through the district and beyond the inner gate was delightfully uneventful. Levi's squad was training all the horses in rotation, with the lieutenant himself taking responsibility for the commander's steed. Given that Survey Corps horses were bred especially to run, it was important to train them to keep that wellspring of energy under control in calm situations. The horse had a pleasant enough ambling pace, but unfortunately, Thomasin could only stomach a few minutes of that swaying before she began groaning loudly, begging him to stop so she could retch.
"Isn't this morning sickness suppose to stop eventually?" he asked, his arm wrapped around her middle to keep her from falling off as she leaned over, spitting out the bile that remained in her mouth.
"That's what I thought, too," she gasped, finally straightening. "It wasn't this bad last time…" Last time. In Utopia.
"How… how long were you--?"
"Probably about two months. It was even more unpleasant- everything smelled sooo bad. I can only imagine that's what life was like for Mike- I would just cut my nose off if I had to smell those things all the time. I was nauseous all the time, but even then, I didn't throw up nearly this much. This is your shitty blood at work…" It sounded like a joke. Maybe it was- maybe she expected him to make a witty retort.
"You might be right."
"Huh?"
"My aunt told me I was a 'difficult' pregnancy. Maybe that is in my blood… but if that's the case, then the worst should be over soon."
"…how so?"
"Because I was a very well behaved child. That surprised my whole family- they say difficult pregnancies usually grow into unruly children, but my father said I didn't even cry when I was baby until I started teething."
"Bullshit- all babies cry."
"Not me."
"Well, either you dad was lying to you, or there was something seriously wrong with you when you were a child."
"Probably the latter. But who cares if I was emotionally stunted as a child; I turned out-- …I'm successful…" Even though her voice was muffled by his back, he could feel her laughing before she eventually stilled and sighed.
"I hate this," she said with a strangely calm melancholy. "I hate thinking about the future and worrying about what's going to happen. I wish I could just sleep for a year and then wake up and deal with things then. Let me sleep through this entire pregnancy, and if I wake up and there's a kid, I'll deal with it, and if there's not and I've died from septicemia, that's fine too--"
"You are not dying from septicemia," Erwin told her firmly. "If I have to carry you across the ocean to Marley to get you treatment, I will."
"Don't they hate people like us in that Marley place?"
"That won't stop me. I'll find you an Eldian doctor; they know more about medicine than we can dream of, that's how Grisha Yaeger was able to cure that plague almost twenty years ago. Someone there would be able to help you."
"How would you get there? Isn't there a giant body of water between here and there?" Erwin frowned for a moment, considering it.
"…King Fritz said the Titans within the Walls could flatten the earth… I'm bigger than them- I think I can cross a single ocean." Thomasin's hands tightened around his middle.
"I can't imagine you as a Titan… it's so wrong to think that any of them were ever people. They're all so… twisted. Even the Yeager boy- from the neck down, his Titan looked kind of normal, almost attractive if you ignored the complete lack of genitals or nipple or pores, but his face… it doesn't matter if it has a human's intelligence; it's a monster. They're all monsters. If you have to turn into a Titan to save me, just eat me like you're supposed to…"
How's your wife doing, Commander…?
Does she know you're a monster yet…?
His hand tightened around the reins.
"I would never eat you… I'd get too fat."
"You're passing up a good thing- dark meat is much more flavorful than white meat."
Somehow, despite the door and windows all being closed, a thick layer of dust had settled onto everything in the house. Thomasin ran her fingers over the table and stared at the gray coating them in a such a way that she had to have learned it from Levi.
"You're paying out the nose for this place and you can't even keep it clean?"
"I was preoccupied with other things," Erwin told her as he piled logs and kindling into the stove. The wood box beside the door was almost empty, but there was enough for at least one more day.
"Scout stuff?"
"Running back and forth, trying to figure out what was going on with you stuff. I thought you were dying. I thought--" he fell silent, grabbing the match box from the cabinet and tucking it under his chin to strike one. He felt the flame as a tickle against his jaw.
"You thought…?" she pressed, pulling one of the larger iron pots down from the wall and pumping water into it. He shook his head.
"I don't know what I thought. I know what I didn't want to think, but I don't know what my mind twisted that into. So much of these past weeks was a blur…" He should bring it up, he knew that- just thinking about it made him feel sick, but he had to know. "That note… why did you address it to Levi?"
"Because I figured even if everyone else died on that expedition, he would probably survive," she told him simply. When she said it like that, it made so much sense- it was so obvious. Levi was the person most likely to come back from an expedition; that was why Erwin named him his lieutenant, after all. Thomasin stepped closer to him, leaning slightly to better look him in the eye. "What, did you think we were having an illicit affair? That I had grown so weary of my cold, neglectful husband that I ran off to the rakish reformed thug and fell weeping into his scrawny, little arms?"
"I wish you had. If you think I would be more upset about you sleeping with another man than the thought of you dying, you're even more delusional than I am." By the time he straightened, she had turned away, but did not move away from him. Closing that small distance, he wrapped his arm around her shoulders. "…what were you sorry for?"
"…disappointing him…" Even as close as he was, he could barely hear her over the crackling wood. "He promised that, no matter what happened on that expedition, he would make sure you came back, even if he had to knock you out and tie you to your horse and send it back to Trost as soon as you all got to Shiganshina. He just kept saying it over and over again- 'I promise you, I promise you'…"
I made a promise… I have to keep it…
I have to keep at least one of my promises…
"I didn't believe him, but he swore to me that he would prove he was telling the truth- I just had to live long enough to see him carry it through. 'One more day'-" she lowered her voice until it was an eerily close approximation of Levi's, "-'Just hold on for one more day, and if that's too hard, then one more hour, and if that's too hard, then one more minute. One more second. That's all you have to do, and I'll bring him back'… and I tried." Her voice returned to normal, as normal as it could be when he could hear the tears and pain lacing every word. "I sat on that couch for hours, counting the seconds until they rolled over into minutes, doing that over and over again until the minutes turned into hours… and that voice just kept getting louder and louder, telling me that I was going to be sitting here counting until someone knocked on the door with a cloak and an arm- that's what Levi was going to bring back. …I tried. I really did. …I never thought about writing a note before- no one would care, they wouldn't even care who I had been, but with the midget, I felt so bad just leaving without at least apologizing…"
I'm sorry
Don't hate me
She tilted her head back, flinching slightly as a drop of water splashed on her forehead, wiping it away before it could join the damp trails on her own cheeks.
"Why are you crying?"
"…because it hurts me that you hurt so much…" he could not raise his voice above a whisper. He didn't think it was possible for anything that didn't leave a physical wound to be so painful… He squeezed her tighter, pressing her against his chest. "Please, Thomasin- when you feel like that again, tell me plainly. I've never been able to figure out what you're feeling or thinking, and I don't want the price of my mistakes to be your well being ever again…" Dipping her head, she tugged at the cuffs of her sleeves.
"That's easier said than done."
"Please try. If you can't talk to me… write me a note. You can even address it to Levi- just leave it where I can see it, and I'll help you." She said nothing, no refusal, no acceptance. She simply reached up, her incessantly fidgeting fingers wrapping around his hand.
~o0o~
As he poured the final bucket of steaming water into the tub, Thomasin walked in with arms full of bottles and jars that she must have taken from the cabinet. He gave them a quizzical stare as she set them on an upturned bucket beside the tub.
"Medicine?"
"Some of it." She opened the jar, showing him what it contained. They were small white crystals with a strange, slightly bitter scent.
"What it that?" he asked as she dumped half the jar into the tub, screwing the lid back on.
"Magnesium salt. It helps with my hip, since I can't… you know… use the thing that actually helps."
"And what are the other things?"
"Soap. Shampoo. Conditioner." Frowning, Erwin picked up one of the bottles at random. No label. The only differences between them beside the shapes of the bottles themselves were the slight variations of the colors and textures of the liquids within.
"Which one of these is meant to be soap? They're all liquid." Thomasin perked up.
"Yeah! That's a new thing they came up with in the Interior a few years ago. One of the nurses in Calaneth, Barbra, brought a bottle of it to work to show off to the poors to remind us how very pitiful we are, forever lacking the luxuries of the upper class. She let us use some, and honestly, it seemed dumb to me, but that shit smelled so good and made my hands so soft that I vowed then and there to uncover the secrets of its power. It took almost two years, but I learned how to reverse engineer it, so now not only do I have access to it outside of Mitras, but it's better than anything that bitch Barbra can buy and she knows it." Erwin gawked at her. It wasn't the cruel smile or near vindictive pleasure in her eyes that shocked him, far from it.
"…you can make soap? You? You personally know how to make soap!?"
"Erwin, I make the vast majority of everything I use- the only reason I don't make my own cloth is because looms are huge and expensive and I have no space for one." Her grin turned from vindictive to nostalgic, a sad but ultimately fond warmth in her eyes. "Mr. Reed taught me how to do so many things. 'You have to diversify if you want to get ahead in life'… I really wish I had thanked him. Worked harder… stolen slightly less of his merchandise."
"I spoke to him once. He seemed… pleased that you were doing well in life, enough so that he all but requested I not sabotage you. I think he would be happy to see you now, to see how far you've come in spite of everything you've been through- including my constant sabotage." The corners of her lips turned up slightly more, her gaze somewhat unfocused as she stared beyond the room, into her own thoughts.
"I hope so… I hope he managed to get away from the Titans, that he's okay somewhere…" That wistfulness that softened her face faded as she came back to the present, her mouth a blank, straight line as she dipped her hand into the tub, swirling the water to better dissolve the salt. "This is fine. You can get out now." His shoulders slumped.
"Are you sure? You don't need help?"
"I used this tub without help for a month- I think I'm good." Right. He knew that.
"Well, do you want me to wash your back at least? Or help with your hair--"
"Erwin." Her hand stilled but remained in the water as she looked up at him, her expression indecipherable. "You're acting like an unweaned puppy. You've never been so desperate to watch me bathe before. Why now?" He ran a finger over the rim of the tub, the hot rolled tin barely warm against his skin.
"I've never been so acutely aware of how easily I could lose you before. All these years, I've convinced myself that you would always be here, that you would always be safe. Even when there was so much evidence to the contrary… Now that that delusion has been shattered so completely as to never again allow me a moment's peace, I suppose I'm… afraid." He looked back up at her. "I am very much a weaned puppy, torn away from everything I've known and now desperately lingering near the heels of the one being that feels safe and familiar in this world…" It all felt very foolish to say out loud, but he had nothing to lose by being honest… and much to gain apparently. Thomasin's huffed, the corner of her mouth quirked upwards.
"I'm flattered you consider yourself my canine property… Get out. You can wash my back once I've settled." Stepping out of the bathroom and closing the door back behind him, Erwin shivered. The heat might no longer affect him, but he could certainly still notice the cold. It wasn't even that much of a chill, but definitely enough to be noticeable coming from the humid warmth of the bath.
Remaining where he was for a moment longer, until the fainest rustling of clothes gave way to a quiet splashing and relieved sigh, he headed back into the main room. Even if he could carry all the remaining logs at once, he could only grab so many at a time, resulting in several trips back and forth to bring the wood and kindling to the empty hearth. The stove alone would surely provide enough heat this side of winter for most people, but it did precious little to ward off the chill for him. Besides… the thought of a merrily crackling fire was was one of the main reasons he had wasted so much money renting this particular house.
Checking that the flue was open, he spent several minutes properly arranging everything, lighting the kindling and slowly feeding the fire until the bottoms of the logs were pulsating red amidst the blackened char. Smiling at his handy work, he pulled the grating in front of the flames and stood, leaning against the back of the couch. For the first time in months, his brain wasn't a cluttered mess of tasks to be done and questions to be answered and worries to be overwhelmed by… For a moment, a short but painfully sweet moment, there was only peace of mind.
"Smith!" The moment was over, but his mind did not immediately revert back into its chaotic, jumbled state. Whatever was keeping all those bothersome thoughts at bay continued holding strong as he made his way back to the bedroom, leaning on the bathroom door and opening it a crack, enough for the warm, slightly scented air to waft over him.
"Can I come in now?"
"Only if you tell me what you've been doing all this time." Slipping inside, he shut the door back with his foot.
"I was building a fire in the hearth." Thomasin sat curled up much as she had back on base, her right leg bent and her forehead resting against her knee, but she looked up, surprised, as he approached.
"Why?"
"It's chilly out there."
"No, it's not."
"Yes, it is. Especially once you've been in here. I don't want you catching a chill and getting sick." Dark brown eyes narrowed.
"…are you sure you were building a fire and not doing paperwork or some shit?" Erwin fixed her with an exasperated look.
"What paperwork?"
"I don't know- whatever paperwork you're always doing."
"Yes, I'm sure."
"So when I get out of here, the fireplace is going to be lit?"
"Yes." He could see her teeth clenching by the way her jaw moved.
"We'll see," she muttered, putting her head back down. Her arms were deep in the water, most likely wrapped around her thigh, her braid coiled in a bun at the back of her neck, leaving her back exposed.
The still damp washcloth rested on the rim of the tub, and of the bottles on bucket, only one had its stopper pulled out, indicating that was the one that had been used most recently. He frowned slightly, having never even considered the notion of liquid soap. He assumed it was meant to be poured onto the washcloth first, but if he spilled it, it would end up all over the floor. Grabbing the bottle, he instead tilted it just enough so that a thin stream trickled directly onto Thomasin's back, causing her to shudder and stiffen.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm not really sure, but I think this will work," he told her as he set the bottle down and corked it, dunking the washcloth into the water (and wetting his sleeve right along with it) before dragging it over her skin. The moment the cloth touch the slick drizzle, it began foaming, producing a lather far more luxurious than any bar of soap he'd ever used. "This is amazing," he muttered, half to himself. "I never would have imagined anything like this was possible." Thomasin made a soft noise that sounded somewhat like a laugh.
"They've got all kinds of amazing inventions up in the Interior. The king's hatred of technology and travel really only applies to things that could be utilized against the wealthy and powerful. Things that explicitly benefit them and have few to no drawbacks? They've been cooking that shit up for at least fifty years. Medical devices, prosthetics, soap…" She sighed, lifting her head and staring up at the ceiling. "…our world is really small…" Erwin's hand stilled and he pressed his tongue to the roof of his mouth to maintain his silence. "You- by which I mean the Scouts in general and the government- are so busy talking about the ocean and… whatever the fuck is beyond that, meanwhile the section of the Walls above us has things we've never even imagined… No matter how much stuff you know and learn, there's always more… it never ends." He waited to see if she would continue her train of thought, but it seemed she'd concluded her thought, so he went back to scrubbing.
"You're right. But that's the wonderful thing about knowledge- it's a never-ending banquet. No matter how hungry you are, there will always- always- be something to satiate that hunger." She turned towards him, silent until she caught his eye.
"…not for you. You're never satiated; you'll never be satisfied."
"I am," he insisted. "I got what I wanted. If I never set foot beyond Wall Maria again, I could die happy."
"Really? And if the opportunity to go to that Marley place or somewhere else and see humanity living beyond the Walls with your own two eyes cropped up, you wouldn't want to go?" Erwin's hand stilled once more as his lips thinned.
"…just because I eat a piece of cake after dinner doesn't mean I wasn't full; I can dream of the world beyond the Walls and still be satisfied living within them. Would I like that? Yes. Am I going to charge headlong into death to make that a reality? Not a goddamn chance." Thomasin's expression seemed much the same, save for perhaps the hint of something negative playing around her eyes. Disappointment, perhaps.
"Forgive me if I find your words ring a bit hollow…" Satisfied that her back was as clean as it was going to get, the warm water and vigorous scrubbing giving her skin a rosy undertone, he dunked the cloth into the water, squeezing out the soap. A rush of bubbles floated to the water's surface, further obscuring everything below it.
"I'm in no position to begrudge your dismissal of me." He brought the cloth back up to her shoulders, squeezing out the water and washing away the foam already running down the curve of her spine. His eyes drifted back to the cluster of burns between her shoulder blades, something she had kept from him for four years when she trusted him more, but now displayed almost brazenly when that trust was destroyed. "You used to believe me…" he whispered, almost more to himself than to her.
"Yeah, I wonder what could have possibly happened to put an end to that?" she asked sardonically. "Rather than dwell on your untrustworthy nature, how about you bring in another bucket of hot water- I need it to rinse my hair." In spite of the melancholy stirring within him, he rather perked up at those words.
"You're going to wash your hair? Can I help?" Thomasin's lips twisted as she looked from his face to the empty sleeve hanging limp at his side.
"I don't think you're going to be much help…"
"I can do it!" he argued. "I can vertically maneuver with one arm- you think I can't wash someone's hair?"
"…oh, you sweet, ignorant fool of a man… Okay. I'll let you have your fun. The only way you'll ever learn humility is through failure. Go get the water." Erwin was already on his feet, barely paying the pain in his knees any mind. The pot on the stove was already at a roiling boil, hot enough that even he felt it as he poured it into the wooden bucket at his feet, setting it in the sink and working the pump to fill it once again (as long as the oven was burning, it may as well be put to use). Pausing long enough to stir the logs in the hearth, he carried the bucket back into the bathroom. Thomasin had mostly unbraided her hair in his absence, pulling it apart with her fingers where it tangled close to her neck, looking more like batten wool than the snarls Hange often sported. "Alright, Smith. I've done as much I feel I need to. Have at it." Setting the bucket beside the tub, he resumed his position, though this time he maintained a squat rather than kneeling.
"You need to wet it."
"Okay, so do that." Clearly, she was going to be as unhelpful as possible. He should have expected that… The washcloth lay on the rim of the tub. Dunking it back underwater, he waited for it to absorb as much as it could hold, bringing it up and pressing it against the back of her head before squeezing… and watching, both fascinated and dumbstruck, as the rivulets ran over the surface of her hair, leaving a slick sheen while it remained completely dry. Thomasin glanced over at him, biting her lip to keep the smug grin off her face. "I thought you were going to wet up my hair?"
"What is this witchcraft!?" She sighed, shifting forward.
"If only we could all be blessed with hair as thin as yours…" She leaned back in the space she'd created, and Erwin stared, transfixed, as the seemingly waterproof mass of curls sank beneath the water's surface, coils that seemed inert when dry rippling and swaying almost hypnotically with the slight current. "Give me your arm." He blinked, bemused, but held his forearm over the tub, muscles flexing to maintain rigidity as she grabbed on with both hands.
Between her swollen belly and breasts, and sheer weight of water saturating her hair, returning to a seated position was quite a struggle, but eventually they managed. The rush of water cascading back into the tub was nearly deafening. Erwin could feel his mouth drying out despite the humid air, well aware that he was gaping slack jawed but unable to care. He was sixteen again, seeing this strange, fascinating girl for the first time. He only blinked as wet fingers snapped in front of his nose, sprinkling him with drops of heavily scented water.
"Hey. Wake up. You're supposed to be helping me. What are you staring at?" He tore his gaze away from the heavy blanket of black waves, already puffing up as they began to dry, meeting the dark gaze staring at him.
"Sometimes, I forget that you're the most beautiful person in the world, and when I remember, it stuns me for a moment." Her lips twisted in distaste.
"Are you serious?"
"As the plague," he affirmed solemnly. Why would he lie about such a thing? It was a similar sensation to suddenly remembering that the Walls, those inanimate barriers that were as much a part of the landscape of their world as trees and grass, were in reality hundreds of thousands of living, conscious, world-ending monsters. Something that, through constant exposure, seemed mundane when in reality, it never stopped being fantastical. Despite the frown still thinning her lips, her cheeks were practically luminescent.
"Stop gawking and give me that shampoo. You're acting like you've never seen wet hair before."
"Not your hair…" he frowned even as the words left his tongue, a memory he'd tried to bury but apparently not deep enough resurfacing.
He had seen her hair this wet once before, though only once. Saturated not with water but Titan saliva, crusted with sand and mud and plastered to her head as she slipped into unconsciousness. That was the first time he'd heard it, a Scout delirious with pain and fear calling for someone, usually a parent, to save them. Had it hurt as much for her as it had for him? He distinctly remembered the pain, more so than the fear, driving him to tears, weeping, pleading for his father to help him, to make it stop hurting because parents always had the magical ability to take the pain away. Her face had been wet, he was certain, but it was impossible to tell if there had been tears mixed with the rain and saliva.
"Hey." She tilted her head to better look at him, her earlier annoyance replaced with concern. "What are you thinking about now?" Pale eyes darted up to meet dark before dropping back to the constantly rippling water.
"…Scout stuff…"
"Like what?" He opened his mouth, but did not speak. This was not a place to speak of death and horror.
"You used to wear your hair up when you were a soldier- that's why I never noticed what it looked like when it was wet." She let loose a breathless laugh.
"Thank god I did! If you'd seen it back then, you'd have snuck over the Walls and set off looking for whatever tribe my ancestors came from on foot." His mind pulled back from its dark thoughts momentarily, Erwin frowned at her.
"That's hurtful. I would think you'd assume I'd be so overcome by lust that I'd orgasm then and there."
"We both know the thing I said is more likely." She was right, of course, but he didn't want to admit that.
~o0o~
Acknowledging that there were limitations to what he could do remained as bitter a pill to swallow now has it had during the first week of his recovery. With the shampoo, he almost didn't notice it, could easily ignore it. Thomasin had poured nearly half the bottle of the thick, heavily scented liquid into her hair, turning as best she could in the narrow tub to allow him better access to her back. Of course, his method of washing hair was completely unacceptable. He could not simply scrub her locks as he did his own- in fact, he shouldn't treat his own hair so roughly, either, she informed him in no uncertain terms, explaining and then showing him how to properly massage the hair clean.
He recognized the motions as the way she had washed his hair when he'd been incapacitated, and consigned himself to being just as gentle and thorough as she had been. Of course, he hadn't taken into account that his wife had more hair than he did- a great deal more hair, a thick, heavy blanket of it that seemed to grow denser the more he tried to work through it. He had to stop occasionally, flexing his fingers and wrist as they began burning from the strain. It was a similar, but entirely different discomfort compared to his fingers tightly gripping an ODM gear handle for minutes at a time. To say nothing of the lack of adrenaline to mask the discomfort.
It took many laborious minutes, but he finally managed to massage the lather in from scalp to tips in a way Thomasin deemed "good enough for now". He would take that small victory gladly, rolling his wrist with a wince as she dipped her head back under the water, rinsing the still-tangled tresses as much as she could. Sitting with his aid once more, she cheerfully informed him that they were done with the first part. His heart had stopped. First part?! There had been a wicked mirth in her eyes as she informed him that he wasn't done by a long shot, picking up the one remaining bottle and waving it mockingly before him. It was time for part two. The horror in his eyes was plain enough for her to laugh at, ultimately offering him mercy and allowing him to admit his weakness and failure gracefully.
Of course, if Erwin were capable of backing out of things when he should, he wouldn't have been a one-armed Titan Shifter. He refused, of course, taking the bottle from her and shaking it up violently. This concoction smelled even stronger than the shampoo and soap, an opaque, somewhat greasy substance that also lathered up slightly when massaged. By the time every strand of hair was coated, his entire arm was ablaze and he leaned heavily against the tub, caring not a whit that his shirt and pants were now soaked.
"Oh god… oh, thank god, it's finally done…"
"Not by a long shot." Leaning over the side of the tub, Thomasin picked up a wide toothed wooden comb. "I haven't combed my hair in almost a month- it needs to be detangled." Erwin paled, gaping at her as though she were the Titan.
"Why can't you do that when it's dry like a normal person!?"
"Because that'll break the comb, and I don't have a spare." She sighed, leaning forward and pulling the drain plug, letting the water lower several centimeters before replacing it. "Dump that water in here and go get me another bucket, and I'll finish this by myself." His heart sank, the sting of failure already sharp.
"No, I said I'd help you and I will."
"You helped enough." Her expression softened slightly. "I mean that. The last time anyone washed my hair for me was when I was five, and it wasn't nearly this long back then… Seriously, though- combing this mess does actually require two hands and a certain technique. I don't think even the Colossal would be able to run a comb through this."
"It can't be that—" She stuck the teeth of the comb about three centimeters into the hair at her neck and released it. It did not so much as waver, standing perfectly horizontal. "Witchcraft…" He whispered as he rose, grabbing the bucket and slowly pouring its contents into the space behind her. She sighed contentedly.
"I told you…"
"Now, is it just combs, or--?"
"Go get the water."
"--I mean, if I stuck a fork in there--"
"--I would geld you with it. If you ever put anything in my hair, I will insert it into your urethra."
Thomasin wasn't exaggerating when she said combing her hair required a certain technique. Even if he couldn't be part of the process, he was thrilled to stay and watch it unfold for as long as she deigned to let him. To anyone else, it may have been boring to watch someone comb out their hair for several hours, only leaving occasionally get get more hot water and feed the fires, but to Erwin, it was a learning experience just as fascinating as anything found in the books they'd confiscated from Mitras. He knew that her voluminous curls were unique within the Walls, that they looked and felt and behaved nothing like his or Levi's or Hange's hair, but it never occurred to him that such differences changed the way hair had to be cared for. It was, in truth, a sobering experience, especially hearing Thomasin mention, almost anecdotally, how she taught herself everything she knew via trial and error.
"I wonder if he would have been able to help me if he'd been around… my dad," she whispered as she draped the detangled half of her hair over her shoulder. "Mom said his hair was like mine, and I'd assume at least one of his parents had hair like this too…"
"And you don't know… what became of him…?" She shook her head.
"I always assumed he either ran off or died in a ditch- that's what happened with most people in Quinta, but… after the coup, I started thinking… what if the government killed him just like they killed your dad? My mom was definitely a Child of Ymir, but the Assembly still considered me a threat, even with my dilute blood. You're a Child of Ymir, but they still assumed that if we have kids, they'll be immune to the Progenitor. Levi's half Child of Ymir- unless Kenny really was his dad- but his Ackerman blood seems to cancel that out. If mutts like us scare them that much… what would they do to someone who's even more immune to their bullshit than we are?" She sighed, leaving the comb stuck in her hair as she slouched, wrapping her arms around herself. "They couldn't take away our memories by messing with our minds, so they just did it the old fashioned way by killing off all of us. The Moors, the Orientals, the Ackermans- to say nothing of all the bloodlines they actually succeeded in wiping out… Even if there's more of our people beyond the Walls, that's not us, that's not our families… a century of history, completely erased…"
"It's not like you to be so affected by things like history," Erwin noted softly. "Normally, I'm the one lamenting such things."
"…I think it's this thing-" she laid her hand over her belly, "-that's got me thinking about future scenarios. It's probably going to have hair like me, too. If I die and you have your memories erased, who's going to teach them? If they comb their hair when it's dry, it'll break off and come out in huge clumps…" He'd never thought of things like that. Whenever it came to memories, he always thought of humanity as a collective. The individual experiences of people didn't seem as important, but… hadn't Mike chastised him for that way of thinking years ago?
Humanity is made up of many single persons, Erwin…
Really, those individual experiences were the most important thing. Those were the things that guided them, taught them… His mind whirred as the pieces clicked into place.
"Why don't you write a journal?"
"Huh?"
"About the things our child needs to know about being a Moor. Maybe I should write a few chapters, too. I wouldn't ever think that being a Smith is a noteworthy achievement, but if one day they find themselves on some petty lordling's shit list, it might help them to know that their father kind of, sort of did a coup that one time…" Thomasin chuckled humorlessly.
"That seems like a cruel thing to burden a child with."
"Perhaps, but in the long run, I think it would be a kindness. I've made many an enemy over the years, and I'd rather no child of mine be saddled with their father's sins. They wouldn't be able to change their blood, but if they decide they don't wish to be associated with my name, they'd have my blessing." Her lips tilted into a frown as she regarded him.
"I thought the whole reason men wanted to have kids was to have someone inherit their family name, carry on their legacy?" He shook his head, running the backs of his fingers over her shoulder.
"I don't know why other men do anything. I wanted to have a child with you because I love you and having a child seemed like a natural progression of that. They can take your name- hell, they can take Mike's name."
"Why would our child have another man's family name?" she asked, her frown growing more pronounced. He sighed, resting his cheek against the rim of the tub.
"Don't take that seriously- it's just some nonsense Mike and I discussed before his last mission…" Thomasin sighed heavily.
"I wish you would've discussed these things with me instead of your friends. It would be nice if, just once, my opinion factored more into your decisions than those of your soldiers, at least in decisions regarding me…" He grinned wolfishly at her.
"Alright, I'll discuss it with you, then; do you want this kid to be named 'Michaelis Zacharias' or 'Michaelis Lindemann', because I'm pretty sure that Titan-child is going to haunt us from beyond the grave if we don't pick one of those." He was already wet, but even if he had been bone dry, he still would have laughed as she slapped a fistful of water at him.
000000000
A/N- If you haven't played Wings of Freedom, different breeds of horses have different stats, and the palomino is the best horse in the game.