Disclaimer:

Mrs. J.K., my favorite Author, I swear, your good looks have nothing to do with it, it helps though. I mess in your sandbox and imagine you are here with me… too creepy? Nah.

Previous:

She grinned, "Did you see the Levels of everyone? Most adults are between Levels 25 and 40, our parents are between 42 and 48. We are Level 57 after last night, Harry is Level 69 and I bet Dudley with his Level 75 can face Dumbledore and kick his butt."

We were ready to storm the castle when the train stopped at the station.

32 Sorted.

Hagrid called all the first years to him and guided us to the boats, the path was very slippery, yeah, Malfoy lost his footing and fell in the lake, Weasley was laughing out loud until he took a dive too, Daphne or Tracey's work I guess.

Harry took his girls in a boat and called Neville in, he made friends with Neville thanks to Sirius. Hermione and I were sharing a boat with a set of twins, the Patils, "Hello, I am Hermione Granger and this mean-looking boy is Dudley Dursley, don't worry though, he is a sweet boy once you get to know him better."

I protested: "Hermione! Don't you dare to ruin my bad reputation! Misses twin girls, do not believe her, she is a lion tamer and doesn't know the difference between sweet and mean. Let me know if someone is bullying you… or tell Hermione if I am the bully, she will set me straight."

Parvati giggled: "Oh, I am sure Hermione will be busy setting you straight, what do you think, Padma?"

Padma shrugged: "He will behave, I can tell."

The Castle came into view, a lot of oohs and aahs sounded from the kids, not me though, I had seen the bloody thing enough already. We docked at the castle and got out of the boats, as a gentleman I helped the girls, see? I guess I'm sweet after all. The ferret and the weasel were soaked, staring daggers at anyone who dared to laugh.

When McGonagall went away and the discussion went on how we get sorted I loudly said: "I heard of a secret method from Lord Black. He said you have to sing a song in your head, if it is a brave song you go to Griffindor, a complicated song is for Ravenclaw, a song for trickery is for Slytherin, and a song about loyal friends is for Hufflepuff."

Weasley said: "Fred and George said we have to fight a Troll!"

I laughed: "You be dead if you have to fight one mate, they are almost double the size of that man that showed us to the boats. I tell you, they probably don't want you in their house. I am told it even gives you a hint by singing a song first."

Xxxxx

We went inside the great hall, Hermione was nervous, she held my hand in a death grip. We knew what was going to happen, Sirius spilled the beans under our pressure and Compulsion Charms, we all agreed to go in the House Tracey gets sorted in, everyone looked at me when the Hat started to sing, bravery for the Lions, smartypants for the ravens, and cunning for the snakes, Helga is loyal and takes the rest.

Hannah Abbot was first, I saw her lips silently move in tune with the song in her head, a minute later, HUFFLEPUFF! Hannah stood up and nodded at Susan, the trend was set, Abbot confirmed it, the song works! Sorting took longer though, the Hat must be enjoying the songs because he took his time for each one to finish. Susan sang a loyal song and got in Hufflepuff too.

Tracey's turn came up, after a mental discussion the Hat called: RAVENCLAW! When it was my turn the Hat said: "Thank you for the serenades young man… What in Morgana's saggy tits is this all about?" WTF? Did that shitty Hat shout that out loud?

The Hat growled in my mind: "Fifth Layer? A Game? I am a prop in a book? I spent centuries on a shelf to end up as a comedy prop in a children's book?"

I protested and thought: "Hey! I enjoyed those books as an adult too you know, now you know why we need to be together, or do you want Death Eaters to rule this school? So Ravenclaw for Hermione, Daphne, Harry, and me please."

After two minutes of silence, Hatty has a lot of memories to go through, in the end, he agrees: "Have it your way, traveler, entertain your ROB. For your information, these worlds you were in, they are real, you are just a visitor here. Keep that in mind for your plans. RAVENCLAW!"

When I sat down next to Tracey, a curious upper year asked why the Hat yelled. I shrugged: "I said that Morgana was a babe with perky tits, he disagreed, it is not my fault he saw them when she was seventy years old."

Tracey just rolled her eyes and watched the sorting, soon Daphne, Hermione, and Harry joined the Ravens or was it Eagles? Confusing, I know.

Canon followed its course, YataYata, forbidden forest, YataYata third floor for certain death. The food was good though, I have to crank up my workout session to compensate. The pumpkin juice still tastes like pumpkin. The claws saw that we were friendly with the Potter family and asked if we knew each other.

Hermione held her hand before my mouth and said: "He is Harry's cousin from his mother's side. Be nice Dudley. Sorry, he has a strange sense of humor."

Yeah, I insult people I don't like. Smashing Zombies makes you numb and the urge to smash idiots' heads gets stronger each day.

Xxxxx

The doorknob had a good one: "What is the secret to the universe?"

I answered: "Nobody knows, if one person knows the secret then it isn't a secret anymore."

"Well reasoned." and the door opened. I received a lot of respect for that answer, to tell the truth, any answer would be the correct one, that doorknob doesn't know that secret either.

I bunked with Harry in a double room, I grinned at him: "Well, we are here for seven years or do we speed it up?"

Harry shook his head: "No, Cyrus said these years are the most important to create connections with other houses, Marcus and Sirius agreed, so we have to stay and mingle with the locals."

The bed was nice, the room a bit drafty, but with a few warming spells it is quite comfy. It was even big enough for our workout equipment. Although I am going to claim the RoR when Quirrel is a goner. I guess he didn't get the stone after all, maybe the goblins forced Dumbledore to get it out of Gringotts.

The next morning I witnessed my future life, when we came downstairs, three females looked at us, looked at each other, and dragged us back to our room. My mind went crazy. We are too young for that! And I am not for a group thing if there is another Dude involved! Even when he is my cousin!

In our room, the girls opened our trunk and took some clothes out. It turned out we didn't match! Somehow I was a bit disappointed, ten minutes later we were presentable and went down for breakfast.

When Flitwick handed us our schedules, he said: "Mr. Potter, the Headmaster wants to see you in his office after breakfast."

Harry sighed and gave me a Galleon, and so were Hermione and Tracey. I grinned: "I told you so! He is old and a politician first. Of course, he is a manipulator. How many times will he try before he gives up? Five times this week, any takers?"

Daphne sighed: "You made your point Dudley. Professor, can you give this letter to the Headmaster? It states that our Fiancee is not allowed to be in the same room without at least a whole classroom of witnesses. If he wants to have a meeting with our Fiancee, both Miss Davis and I have to be there and so do our parents, as the head of our house you need to be present too. That goes for Miss Granger and Mr. Dursley too, as they are under our House protection."

"Very well, Miss Greengrass, I will deliver the message. It is highly irregular, but if that are the wishes of your guardians, I will make it so." He took the letter and went to Dumbledore.

We watched the interaction, ah, he lost his twinkle, a frown, a deeper frown when he read the letter, a glare when he looked up at us, and a rapid change to his grandfatherly disappointed face and a shake of his head. We all saw the expressions, so I held my hand out and four sickles were put in it.

Harry grumbled: "That is the last time I make a bet with you Dud. What is our first class… Transfiguration with McGonagall and the Puffs."

Hmm? No comment from Hermione? No Professor McGonagall, Harry? I broke her? Nah, I trained her to see the bigger picture. That or killing zombies got to her numbed too.

Xxxxx

When we entered the classroom I nudged Daphne and pointed at the cat: "What can you tell me about that cat?"

Daphne studied the cat and went a bit closer: "This cat is not normal, the markings around the eyes are unusual, and I feel it has Magic, also, it doesn't behave or feel like a regular cat, my guess is that it is an Animagus, probably Professor McGonagall."

I grinned: "Ten points to the pretty Druid. Tell me, Daphne, how long will it take for us to be able to do this ourselves?"

Daphne frowned and answered: "Animagus training is hard and has some hard steps to complete, we better find another way."

McGonagall turned human and said: "You will do no such thing before you complete your OWLS, Miss Greengrass. Animagus training is a difficult branch of Magic and many things can and did go wrong in the past. I commend you that you noticed I was an animagus, but I urge you not to try it too soon."

As we suspected, classes were boring, you can only turn a matchstick into a needle that many times before you want to stick it into a Zombie's eyeball.

At McGonagall's inquiry, we said that we studied ahead… way ahead. The only interesting class was Potions, sadly enough. We never bothered to learn it, so it was all new material to us. I didn't want to spoil the surprise and didn't warn them about Snape.

Our housemates did; the unfair treatment, Slytherin favoritism, unfair house points, and bad teaching, you know, just Snape.

Snape was a surprise for me though, he left Harry alone, with no bad comments, no sneers until I noticed that he was focusing on the Mudbloods, Hermione, and me. We plan to endure it for a few weeks before we take action, our potions were perfectly done, a few test runs in our Empty Dungeon prepared us for the lesson, we could brew it blindfolded if we wanted to.

We did our homework in the common room and socialized a bit, then we went to our room to do our Muggle studies. Once the older student knew you could home-school that, they bashed their head on the table, and already some made plans to do the same, they made eyes when they heard we were at the fourth grade and planned to take the exams on Christmas break.

The respect for the Boy Who Lived went up a few nudges. Daphne and Tracey already felt the competition, there were a lot of girls that wanted to snatch him away and made no secret of it.

Hermione calmed them down: "Come on, Daphne, who can compare to you both? Not only are you as smart as Harry, but you are also powerful, we have the highest level of students here, and both you and Tracey are drop-dead gorgeous. Those other girls don't stand a chance."

I nodded: "Hermione has a point, Daphne, the word is out that we are homeschooling Secondary muggle education even doing four grades in one year, they are intimidated by us. Even the Ravenclaws. And Harry is smitten by you both, the only worry you should have is that he will be too clingy."

That is true, tell the wife you love her a few times a day, after a year she will roll her eyes and not even pay attention to you. You become one with the furniture until she notices you stop saying it and finds you doing her sister, doggy style. Her sister was a nice fuck though, kinky too. Good times.

We used History to study for our Secondary Education, memorizing the History textbook was done in one evening the only difficulty was keeping those Goblin names apart.

At Dinner I posted myself next to Tonks: "Tonks, how is life behind the barrels? It gets drafty in our place."

Tonks narrowed her eyes and said: "There is something suspicious about you. The kids told us it was your fault that the sorting took an hour longer than normal."

I held my hand up and asked: "Did it work? Was someone sorted where he didn't want to go? No? My method works, you may thank me… no the firsties have to thank me."

Xxxxx

Dada, we all saw the dark aura around Quirrell, there is no way that Dumbledore missed that. It is a simple spell to see auras, I bet it is engraved on his glasses. I even bet Voldie knows Dumbledore knows about him and sees it as a challenge.

His stutter is annoying, and the spells he is trying to teach are crap. We will endure him until Samhain, Harry will dust him, there are so many ways to get rid of him, but I let Harry do that, Prophesy and all that jazz you know, Canon must have its due.

That brings us to astronomy, I had a heated discussion with Sinistra about the use of the Stars in our Magic: "Come on, Professor, be realistic. The closest Star is 4.25 light years from Earth and one light year is about 6 Trillion miles, you know? A Million is a 1 with six zeros, a Billion is a 1 with 9 zeros behind it, and a Trillion is a 1 with twelve zeros behind it, multiply it you come out to 25 and a half TRILLION Miles away, that is One Million times around the Earth to the closest Star, Professor. I can understand the influence of the planets, but the Stars? They are just pretty lights in the sky."

Sinistra was stubborn: "You can not deny the forces that keep this Galaxy together, Mr. Dursley. If there wasn't a force, the stars would have spread out eons ago, yet our galaxy is rotating around a center. I studied Muggle astronomy too Mr. Dursley, and I say that our Magic is affected by them."

I shook my head: "I deny that Professor, it affects us at most to the position of our planet to the center of our Galaxy."

Harry put a hand on my shoulder and said: "We will make certain he gets full marks, Professor. Dudley, I want to go to bed on time, a discussion in the middle of the night is not helping."

I complained: "I was winning, Harry! You can't take that away from me!"

Sinistra was petty, "No, Mr. Dursley, you can come to me to continue this discussion whenever you want."

Hmm? Did I get the right message here? Is this the Teacher-Student trope? Nah, that can't be, she knows I am only eleven. My eyes must have glazed over because Hermione slapped the back of my head… with force, it hurt like a bitch.

"Get your mind out of the gutter, Dursley," she hissed and added a stinging hex to my butt.

Mean witch! Am I her property? I didn't sign a contract! Fuck! Lord Greengrass can! Did I sell my body to the devil? I just trained it to perfection! Sigh, I am doomed.

Xxxxx

We got into a routine, I got up at seven, did my part of my workout in the Empty Dungeon, got rid of my aggression in the Zombie Dungeon, and took a shower in the normal world, at seven-thirty I was ready to go. Breakfast, classes, lunch, and classes again, homework, dinner, and study in our common room, from eight to nine we went up to our room, and studied for an hour in the Empty Dungeon, after that we did a Zombie Dungeon, did a power nap in the Empty Dungeon for two hours and went to bed.

The days were booooring. We could do this stuff blindfolded, Wandless, and silent, we could teach these spells. Even teasing Tonks got old, that bitchy Metamorph teases me back with a vengeance.

A break in our routine is the flying lessons, those are always good for a laugh. However, when Tracey inspected those brooms, she declared half of them unsafe, some of them were even death traps. We know she has been studying brooms, as one of the two broom fanatics in our group she has been disabling old brooms at home to study the runes and spells. Her Magic Crafter specialization shows.

It was fun to watch the shouting match between Tracey and Hooch, it went as far as Tracey burning the five killer brooms with a wandless overpowered incendo and blaming it on accidental Magic.

Me? Brooms are for sweeping the floor, not that I am afraid of heights… much, but sitting on a stick a few hundred feet in the air is not my idea of fun. Harry is a pro on it, he enjoys the freedom to move wherever he wants. Tracey is good too. Daphne and I are recreational fliers, and Hermione refuses to go higher than the tree line.

After four days of school, I received my first Howler, Astoria sent me one: "Dudley bloody Dursley! Not even a week in school and you forgot about sending a letter to me? You better do something about it, or you will suffer when I get my hands on you! Hey, Hermione, thank you for your letter."

Harry chuckled: "Dudley is in trouble~, don't underestimate the power of a little sister Dud."

I glared at him and concentrated, EXPECTO PATRONUM! A big lion came out and faced me "Little sis, that howler was mean, I will write you soon." with a wave of my hand the Patronus took off.

Hermione slapped the back of my head: "What happened with Low Key, Dudley?"

Shit! Damage control! "Accidental Magic? It worked for Tracey."

"Don't drag me down with you Dursley! An awesome lion, by the way, you got to teach me that spell though," said Tracey.

I shrugged: "That is easy, concentrate on a happy emotion from a memory or make one up like your wedding day, fill yourself with that emotion, and force it out of you with that spell. A child can cast that."

Daphne commented: "You Are a child, Dudley."

I nodded: "See, even a child can do it. If you think about sending it to someone it will go easier."

Hermione whispered in my ear: "Use your Wand next time." Oops.

Flitwick came to our table: "That was impressive Magic, Mr. Dursley, where did you learn that spell?"

I bullshitted: "I saw it once when I visited Harry. Lord Greengrass received a messenger Patronus, and explained to me how it works, it is pretty easy once you have it worked out."

Flitwick could not believe it: "How many times did you cast that spell before you succeeded? Mr. Dursley?"

I smiled: "This was the first time I cast this spell since I got my Wand, Sir. I bet Hermione, Daphne, and Tracey are close to succeeding. Ah, no Harry is first. Did you see that stag? Easy."

After casting her Lioness, Hermione commented: "Be glad it is the weekend, Astoria is in school at this time on weekdays."

When we left the Great Hall, Tonks grabbed me by my collar and tried to lift me up… tried. "You are not leaving my side until you teach me that spell Dursley!"

"Ok, no problem, can I get my PJ first or do I have to sleep naked next to you?" I asked innocently, "You could be a slow learner and I don't want to lose my innocence, I bet Hermione will object too."

Tonk's hair turned blood red: "Cheeky brat! You know what I mean! Teach me that spell, I need to know that if I want to have a chance to be an Auror."

Hermione slapped my arm and took Tonks away: "I will teach you Miss Tonks, Harry and Dudley explained how your parents helped them, helping you learn that spell is just returning a favor."

Tonks had it before curfew. Her Jack Russel dog stood before me and said: "I got it Cheeky brat, I bet there is not an ounce of innocence on your body."

Xxxxx

The NEWT Students were practicing the Patronus like zealots, if little snots can do it, surely they can too? We need something to divert the attention. Ah! I know just the thing.

Two days later the Daily Garbage headlined:

Hogwarts is in Financial despair!

Dear readers, yesterday we received a call for help from a first-year student. Here are his own words:

Dear Reporter of this fine Magazine,

There is something troubling Hogwarts, I must confess I am a muggle born and can compare schools from the Muggle side to Hogwarts, and it saddens me to say that I find Hogwarts is losing badly.

A few days ago we had flying lessons on brooms that are forty years old or older, a dear friend of mine is a Quidditch fan and declared these brooms death traps and pointed it out to the flight instructor, a former Quidditch Star from the Holyhead Harpies, Madam Hooch. With tears in her eyes, Madam Hooch answered that the school didn't have any money to replace them.

That means that Hogwarts has had money trouble for more than twenty years, assuming the life span of twenty years for a broom is acceptable.

They also don't have any money for a History teacher, I am sure you too fell asleep during his lectures. But that fact, Mr. Reporter, makes it crippling for the Wizarding world. What do we know about Wizarding History? Some names and dates of Goblin rebellions? What about Merlin? What about the founding of the Wizengamot? The Roman Era? The Scots? Picts? Saxons? What about that History? What about Stonehenge to name the most famous one? I bet you slept through it or that Ghost never mentioned it because Hogwarts is too poor to hire a professional.

Another example? Professor Snape is forced to teach Potions in a damp moldy Dungeon instead of a Professional Potion Lab. Not a day goes by that a Cauldron explodes or melts in that horrible dungeon.

You can see it too on the drop of graduated NEWT Potion students.

I am hoping that some money can be relocated for these three troubling gaps in our education. It can't be that hard, a secondhand broom is cheaper than one of Headmaster Dumbledore's Fancy Robes.

Or can I ask for the parents and old students to donate an old broom?

A Concerned Student,

I would like to remain unnamed, but can understand if you want to print my name, I am certain the staff won't retaliate.

Dear readers! I did not know it was that bad! I remember Binns from my days at Hogwarts and confess I slept more than I was awake in his class.

We checked the potion graduates of the last twenty years and there is a drop of 80% in the last ten years! We need to fix this problem before we run out of Healers, Aurors, and Potion Masters.

The suggestion from the student for donating brooms is a good idea, I have an old Clean Sweep 180 in my shed gathering dust, I will donate it to Hogwarts to help them with their financial situation.

Maybe the wizengamot can appoint an accountant to do an audit of the books, there must be some money to rectify this.

For our children!

Xxxxx

Harry looked at me and asked: "What would happen if they mentioned your name, Dud?"

I shrugged: "Oh, Dumbledore knows who wrote it, Harry, have no doubt about that, he has his puppets posted everywhere. But he can't act on it without revealing he has spies planted. Madam Hooch will get a set of brooms, don't you think, maybe she will offer Tracey to roast the old brooms."

Tonks put herself next to us when she saw the newspaper on our table: "I could kiss that kid who wrote to the paper about Snape, look at him, you can see the sparks flying out of his wand. He is in trouble and he knows it."

Harry nodded: "Yeah, the Snake got bit in the ass by a lion. If I find out who wrote that paper I will let you know Tonks, maybe if he knows there is a kiss from you with his name on it, he will reveal himself."

I glared at Harry, it was dangerously close to home. The bastard grinned at me.

Tracey was a happy girl: "We get proper brooms! I am going to ask Hooch if I can have a few old ones to study them.

Hermione commented: "I am with Tonks, that Potion lab is awful, it is hard to brew anything decent in there, you would think there are enough empty classrooms on the first and second floor that are more suitable."

I gave her a one-arm hug and said: "A bat always wants to stay in a dark damp cave. Don't worry, we will ace our OWLS and NEWT even without being taught."

Tonks scoffed: "You think it would be that easy, Brat?" NEWT potions are hard to brew, you know. Stir it the wrong way, not enough or too much, and your potion is ruined. And the ingredients are bloody expensive and spoil too fast."

Tracey frowned: "That is what stasis Charms are for Tonks, Don't you have a case or cabinet with Stasis charms?"

Tonks rolled her eyes: "As I said, bloody expensive, Tracey. Those cost an arm and a leg, and the spells on it are not permanent."

When breakfast was almost over, the doors slammed open and a stream of angry people flooded in, led by Madam Marchbanks, ah, Lucius smelled blood, then his puppet was not far away… there he is with his signature what was it called? A bowler? A bowl? A Chaplin? Meh,

Dumbledore took them to his office, I bet there are some Runes or Spells that make them change their minds and agree with everything he said... I have to write a letter.

Xxxxx

William Weasley

Maybe you don't remember me, but you examined the home of Harry Potter and helped dispel all the harmful stuff, for which I am grateful.

I am writing you this letter concerning your youngest brother, he has the same compulsive behavior we had before it got dispelled.

His hate for Slytherin is over the top, you can compare it with the hate we felt for Harry. Also, he is trying too hard to be friends with Harry, he keeps on trying even when Harry lets it know he is not interested. Harry noticed the similarities too and is keeping your brother at arms-length, we suspect Dumbledore has something to do with this, but I can only point it out to you.

I hope this will help.

Best regards, Dudley Dursley

Xxxxx

Another one!

Madam Bones,

You had no doubt read the report on the old home of Harry Potter.

What if the Headmaster did the same in his office? Wards and spells to make him trustworthy?

What if he did that for the whole school?

Spells that make you ignore the bad stuff and only remember the positive points?

Never visit a Snake in his hiding hole.

Best regards.

Dudley Dursley.

Xxxxx

ROB can kiss my ass! Using the newspaper to smack Dumbledore is a good strategy! Is it not entertaining enough? Bite me… crap, He could arrange that.

Dumbledore got a black eye but didn't go KO, Snape had to move his Potion Lab to the second floor and is on probation. Binns is still teaching History, Dumbledore got some new fancy robes, and Madam Hooch got buried under old brooms from old students.

In the end, nothing changed.