I was grateful that there was no training over the next couple of days. I didn't want to face him. Because what would I say? Why did you give me a Solstice present you'd bought for Elain? Why didn't you just return it? What did it even mean?
Even Clotho hadn't been sure when I'd asked her why he'd gifted it to me.
No, I didn't think there was anything I could say so I kept myself tucked away in the library, flitting between there and the temple, hardly speaking to anyone and not even venturing out to see the sky on the rooftop when I had nightmares. Instead, I went back to taking a sleeping tonic, when not even mind-stilling was helping chase the dreams away.
"I have a list of journals and books for you to find," Merrill said a few days later. "Preferably as soon as possible."
"What are you researching?" I asked her.
"The Autumn Court," She replied, "With our High Lord working so closely with Eris these days, I feel that it's important for our Court to have the upper hand… just in case."
I gave a nod, "I'll be as quick as I can."
I headed down the staircase quickly. There was a time where I remembered struggling to climb up and down the stairs of the library, especially after a long day of searching for books. But now my muscles were stronger from the months of training and my stamina was better too.
"Gwyn!" A familiar voice called and I turned to see Nesta hurrying towards me in a lovely navy gown.
"Hello," I replied. "Have you had a lovely few days?" I wiggled my eyebrows and she smiled back, a feline smile.
"Of course, although I'm exhausted." She rolled her head and stretched out her back, earning a soft laugh from me. "Cassian told me what happened with Azriel."
"You're not here to give me the necklace back, are you?" I continued moving towards the journals, Nesta falling into stride beside me.
"No," She replied with a shake of the head, "I wouldn't have done that, not when you deserve more than an unwanted gift." She sighed and ran a hand through her hair. "I knew something was… there was something there between the two of them, definitely. I thought it was kindness but I suppose I was too consumed by myself to even realise."
"She has a mate," I pointed out, "It could start wars."
"Cassian said that Azriel had backed off for that reason. Rhysand had told him to forget about it and move on." She shrugged. "I think that's why she's been nicer to Lucien when he visits. Maybe she's giving him a chance."
"And do you approve of Lucien?"
Nesta let out a huff, "It's not really me that gets to decide that, is it? But if he hurts her or upsets her, I'll slice his-"
"Shhh!" Lorelei said as we passed the bookshelf she was pursuing. "Don't let Clotho hear you with that kind of language."
I laughed softly as we reached the journals section. "I'm not even sure what I'd say to him."
Nesta leaned against a nearby desk, looking thoughtful, "I'm not even sure either." She bit her lip, "He fucked up, although none of us are perfect. We've all made mistakes."
I gave a gentle nod at her softened expression. Yes, she had made mistakes and always reminded herself of them. But she'd moved on. I'd made mistakes too, but they still haunted me, day in, day out. "Why me, though?" I asked. "Was it out of pity for that night he found me?" Half naked and covered in blood…
"If it is, I'll throttle him," She paused. "Although I doubt that's why. He doesn't like people taking pity on him so I don't think he'd do the same to you… Maybe he sees something in you… like Emerie and I do."
I wrinkled my nose, "You're not about to tell me this is the start of one of those romance novels are you?"
She laughed at that, louder than I expected and then seriousness returned to her face, "Write your own story, Gwyn. The next chapter is yours for the taking."
—-
It was getting late. I knew that because other priestesses had headed off for dinner and retired for the evening. But I kept searching.
Sometimes I feared the dark. Sometimes it haunted me, wrapped around me and threatened to suffocate me. Other times, the darkness felt more like a friend. And this building…
The evening that Emerie, Nesta and I had spent in the House floors above had been probably the best night of my life so far. I'd laughed so much when we'd been sitting in the baths full of bubbles, eating chocolate cake, making our bracelets. My bracelet was resting on my wrist, even now, reminding me of my friends. I was safe here, I knew. The building was a friend.
A bowl of stew landed on the desk beside me, as in answer.
"Thank you," I murmured. I added another book about the Autumn Court to my pile. On the inside of this one were paintings of the lands.
I'd never been to the Autumn Court, although I had been curious about my heritage. My Grandmother had been with a High Fae male of the Autumn Court, which was why my hair was the colour of copper, as my mother's had been. And then our father… we didn't know who he was either. I turned the page to a copy of the Autumn Court's High Lord's family tree and traced the names on it. Their family tree was so full but mine had so many gaps, so much missing information. Maybe one day I'd ask Merill to help me to find out more.
I laughed to myself and shook my head. She wouldn't do me any favours, not after she'd added my friends and I to her Valkyrie book. I grabbed my stew and tucked in.
—-
I'd fallen asleep in the library, I realised the next morning when more faelights were lit and Emerie appeared in front of me, dressed for training. I groaned and sat up, my neck aching from the odd angle I'd been sleeping in the armchair at.
"Something wrong with your bedroom?" My friend teased, humour in her eyes.
"I fancied a change of scenery," I shook my head and stood up, smoothing my dress down.
"Training is in twenty minutes," She told me. "I came to make sure you didn't bail."
"And why would I bail?"
Emerie rolled her eyes, her wings rustling behind her, "You think I don't know what happened at Nesta's Mating Ceremony with that necklace?"
"Nesta told you."
Emerie gave a nod, "She's worried about you and I was too when you disappeared so abruptly without saying goodbye."
"I'm okay," I told her as we started walking for the stairs, "Just confused I think."
"Well I hope you're going to make him pay for it," She gave a slow smile, "You're a Valkyrie after all."
I dressed in my black attire quickly, tying my hair back in a tight braid, more constrained than my usual hairstyle but closer to the hairstyles of the Valkyries I'd seen in the illustrations in books.
Emerie let out a low whistle as I walked out of my bedroom and past her. "Dressed for battle, I see."
The training ring was busier than it had once been when I'd first stepped into it. We now had a handful of new recruits alongside us, other priestesses from the library. They hadn't yet managed to cut the ribbon like the three of us had, but they were eager to try. The other recruits milled about watching in awe at Cassian and Azriel, both armed with swords, sparring on the sandy floor. Nesta watched too, arms folded and eyebrows raised.
"I'm betting on Azriel," She said.
"I'm sure Cassian will be thrilled to hear that," I moved to stand behind her, folding my arms too.
"Oh, he already knows," She smirked.
"We'll be paying for that in training today then," Emerie tied her hair back into a ponytail, ready.
The clanging of metal filled the air as swords swung and were parried, back and forth, back and forth. The Illyrian warriors were fast and impressive to watch. I had no doubt that the audience weren't just admiring the swordplay, but the muscles too, and I couldn't blame them. Both were good-looking males, ridiculously so. The Cauldron had made Nesta a lucky female and whoever was destined to be paired with Azriel… well they'd be lucky too.
"Close your mouth," Emerie whispered to me with a grin.
I raised an eyebrow, "Whatever."
"I don't blame you," Nesta grinned, smugly. "Cassian looks even better-"
As if listening to the conversation, Cassian glanced Nesta's way and it cost him. Azriel spun in a flourish of shadows and his sword was at Cassian's throat. The Shadowsinger smirked and Cassian held up his hands in defeat. The gathered audience applauded and the General bowed dramatically.
"Thanks for winning me ten gold pieces," Nesta beamed at Azriel.
"Fifty lunges!" Cassian said, pointing at the ground. When only Nesta moved, he turned to everyone else. "All of you." We groaned but got to work.
He definitely put us through our paces in the warm-up. Lunges, a few laps jogging around the ring and then some press-ups. But my body was glad for the aching. It gave me a purpose and with any luck, it would help me sleep through the night. Then it was time for some swordplay of our own. The other priestesses weren't allowed to use real swords yet, so were given the training swords we'd started with. But now that we were Valkyrie, and also Carynthian, we had earned our swords. I still was yet to own my own, only having a dagger that was truly mine, but I hoped one day I could purchase one with the small amount of money I earned from working in the library.
We started straight away with the eight-pointed star, pointing the sword this way and that. We practised parrying and advancing. Nesta, I noticed, had been doing some extra practising, for she had become quicker than when I'd last seen her with a sword. Cassian watched her with a proud smile. I glanced over at the Shadowsinger, where he was adjusting Deidre's grip on the hilt for her, so that it was a more fluid swing.
"He's got a nice butt," Nesta commented from beside me with a smug look on her face. I let out a huff.
"I wasn't looking at that." But now that she mentioned it… he did.
"Fancy a duel?" She grinned wickedly and I drew my attention away from the Shadowsinger to where Nesta was stood in front of me. We bowed to each other, a Valkyrie sign of a friendly duel and then we advanced towards each other. I wasn't sure how I had fare given that Nesta had obviously been practising when I'd been tucked up in the dark depths of the library.
Metal clanged and Emerie smiled, shaking her head at both of us from over Nesta's shoulder. I'd not seen the silver flames in Nesta's eyes since the Blood Rite and I was grateful for that now she swung the sword, our swords like dance partners with one another. I was aware that more eyes were on us now as we circled each other, looking for where to strike.
The muscles between my shoulders ached, no longer used to carrying the weight of the sword. I deflected Nesta's blade as it came towards me faster than before and a gasp filled the ring as I moved away with a spin. I pivoted and moved in quickly but Nesta was faster and the sword was knocked from my hand and to the ground with a clatter.
"Well played," She said with a smile and we both bowed to one another.
"Well played," I replied. I'd lasted longer than I thought I would. I glanced toward my sword to see that everyone was indeed watching us. I grabbed my weapon and wiped the sweat and sand from my brow. I supposed I was going to need a bit more practice.
My body ached after dinner that night. I'd found the last of the books and journals Merrill had requested and I'd delivered them to her office before finishing for the day. Then I'd found myself back in the training ring, despite the protests from my body.
I wanted to ache, I wanted to make myself so exhausted that I didn't dream. I missed that. The air was cool still for Spring and the training ring wasn't magically warmed like other places in Velaris. I adjusted my cloak on myself and headed for the storage compartment. I unsheathed the sword I'd had earlier that day and turned it in my hand. It felt heavier now that my body was complaining. A curious shadow slipped towards me and I felt it winding around my arm. I knew he was there before I turned around.