"Hello, Shadowsinger," I whispered, my breath clouding in front of me. The shadows seemed to like that and spiralled in the mist before it disappeared.
"Hello," He was uneasy, I realised as he shifted on his feet. Had he known I would be up here? "You did well this morning against Nesta."
"Not well enough," I murmured, twisting the hilt of the sword in my right hand. "But then I suppose when you've got a mate who's a highly-trained warrior, you have a bit of an advantage."
He gave a small nod and then tucked his hands into his pockets as I stepped towards the ring. "I wanted to apologise," He said after a moment.
"Oh?" I started on the eight-pointed star, focussing on my technique and posture as best as my sore body would let me do.
"I didn't mean for… I…" He ran a hand through his hair and glanced over at me. "Could we perhaps do this without the sword in your hand?"
I laughed softly, "You think I'd actually beat you at a duel?"
His shadows moved to his shoulders as if they were watching me. "I'm not really sure, I'm not sure now is the time to find out."
I placed the sword on the ground and held up my hands.
"I screwed up," He explained. "I… I thought you'd like the gift… I thought it would match your eyes and when it was returned to me, I thought, you know what Gwyn would appreciate it."
"What happened with Elain?" I pried. "She was pretty upset."
"Elain," He sighed, running a hand through his hair again. "When she first came to Velaris, after the cauldron… she was in a terrible place and for some reason, the only person she felt like she could trust… well, it was me. I became the person who she could share her secrets with and I'd sit with her in the garden. I guess I liked being that person for someone. As ridiculous as that sounds."
"It's not ridiculous," I shook my head.
"I thought perhaps I had feelings for her… maybe I did to some extent but not… Not what Cassian and Nesta have, not Feyre and Rhys."
"They're mates," I replied. "Mates are rare from what I've read about in the libraries."
He gave a nod, "When I went to act on my feelings, Rhys was furious. I could have caused a war with the Autumn court."
"Because she's Lucien's mate."
He frowned, "It was stupid and it was selfish. If I'd been in Lucien's situation and I'd found out… I'd have torn cities apart." He took a breath and looked out across the ring. "So I stopped it, I ended things there and then and Elain obviously did the same which was why she returned the necklace. I won't put my family in danger for something that isn't even real."
"You should've just returned the necklace to the jewellers," I told him.
"I know that now," He gave a nod. "It would've saved this… awkwardness." He signalled between the two of us.
"Thank you for thinking of me anyway," I said, "On the solstice."
"You're welcome." He was quiet for a moment and part of me wanted to ask what he was thinking about.
"Elain still has some feelings for you," I told him softly as I picked up my sword again.
"I know," He nodded and then he was gone.
—-
"How's the research going?" I asked Merrill a week later as I added more books to her pile. The library was unusually quiet this afternoon, mostly because the priestesses were elsewhere, decorating the temple for the Starfall celebrations in just two days' time. Although it was The Night Court's most important celebration, I was yet to experience it. I'd spent the nights tucked away in the library reading books once the ceremony in the temple had finished.
"Well," She replied, "Hoping I might find something interesting like in those books you now read?"
My cheeks flushed and I coughed, awkwardly, "Not at all."
"Have you ever looked into your family history?" She tilted her head, looking at me.
"No," I replied, "I guess after everything that happened… well it won't change it."
"But you might still have family left," She pointed out to me. "It's possible."
"I'd rather choose my own," I told her.
"You're afraid." Merrill shook her head. "I suppose you and your family will be attending the High Lord's Starfall party this year?"
"I don't think so," I replied.
"Afraid," She shook her head again and went back to her reading, "Have a good evening."
I blinked as she excused me from her office.
Afraid? I wasn't afraid, was I? I thought about it that night as I made the eight-pointed star and practised my defending. This way, that way. I pretended to parry a blow that wasn't there. I spun into an attack, as I'd seen the Shadowsinger doing the previous week, but my arm weakened as I did so.
"You have to hold your posture," A voice said from the shadows and Azriel stepped out. "Weaken your arm and you're opening up for the enemy right here," He pointed at his right side.
I blushed and straightened my posture up, "You made it look easy."
"I've had five hundred years to practise," He shrugged, moving to stand beside me. "Besides, Nesta helped me win by throwing Cassian off his guard." He reached to touch me but hesitated, "May I?" I gave a nod of consent and he adjusted my posture. "It's hard to spin when holding a sword because of the weight. You have to build your muscles up slowly." He stood behind me now, supporting my elbow with his hand. His shadows moved along my arm, searching, and then gently caressed my hand, sending goosebumps scattering across my skin.
"I'm not sure my nymph blood will let me get as muscly as you," I teased and he laughed softly from behind me.
"Spin," He commanded me and we both moved together, his hand supporting my arm as if we were dancing. "Better," He told me. "Just remember to keep firm." He took a step back, releasing me and then perched himself on one of the benches. I sheathed the sword and put it back in storage, sitting myself on the ground as I rested my sore muscles.
"You've been coming up here every night," The Shadowsinger said as I glanced up at the stars overhead.
"Sometimes it helps me to sleep… wearing myself down," I admitted.
"It stops the nightmares," He said and I gave a silent nod. "Have you tried sleeping tonic?"
"Yes, and mind stilling," I replied, "Sometimes it works, other times… it's like being there, all over again." I shuddered, my stomach churning at the thought of it. "So why not throw myself into getting better at swordplay?"
"If you overdo it, you might injure yourself," He told me. "Try to balance things out."
I gave a nod and rolled my shoulders.
"Here," He passed me a small tin and I raised an eyebrow, "A salve, for your aching muscles." He told me and then he was gone.
The salve smelt divine. A fresh smell that reminded me of forests and spring water with hints of a flower I couldn't detect. I smothered it on my shoulders and back before bed that night and I slept without a single nightmare.