"What is on your face?" Emerie whispered to me once Rhys' speech was over. Where Azriel had gone I had no idea, he'd disappeared when we'd made it onto the main balcony, so I'd managed to find Emerie and Nesta.
"Is that star juice?" Nesta wrinkled her nose.
I wiped at my nose again, hoping not to smear the glowing green across my freckles, "It might be."
"Ew," Emerie said but then burst out laughing.
"I'm not even going to ask," Nesta said, shaking her head, "But I will ask, what were you and Azriel doing on that downstairs balcony?" Emerie's smile was amused and Nesta's was an even match.
I grabbed a glass of wine from a passing tray, "We were just talking."
"You're blushing," Emerie pointed out and I took a big sip of wine.
"We were!"
"About… what?" Nesta teased.
"Nothing!"
"A boring conversation," Emerie shook her head.
"You can't talk, I saw how flustered you got speaking to Morrigan earlier," I pointed out and Emerie blushed this time. I finished my wine and put it back on a tray. Then grabbed another one at the same time as Emerie and Nesta grabbed one.
"Wait, what?" Nesta grinned at our friend and I released a breath, glad the attention was off of me, for a moment anyway.
Starfall continued for many hours and soon the dancing started. As my friends danced, I leaned back against the railings and watched the stars on their journey. From on the mountain, I could see below where people were having their own parties in the city and they were continuing on through the night, even as time passed past midnight and into the next day. I glanced over at the High Lady as she moved to stand beside me with a sleeping Nyx.
"The spirits got you too, huh?" She said with a smile and I gave a nod as I stood up straighter. "On my first Starfall they hit me right in the face," She replied. "Rhys thought it was hilarious."
I let out a soft laugh, "Luckily it was just my hand." I signalled to Nyx, "First Starfall too much for him?"
She smiled down at her baby, "He's just gone to sleep, I was surprised he stayed up so long."
"He's beautiful," I told her.
"Would you like to hold him?"
"Oh… sure," I said as she passed me the baby with his tiny wings. He was even dressed for Starfall too in an outfit very similar to what his father was wearing, I noticed. He snuggled into my chest as I held him and I smiled down at the little male as he let out a content sigh.
"I hope Az has spoken to you after everything that happened at Nesta and Cassian's Mating Ceremony," Feyre said. "I wouldn't want any awkwardness."
"Yes, he apologised," I told her, "And we're on good terms."
"Good," She gave a nod, "I wasn't aware that things had got so… out of hand. Until Rhys filled me in," She wrinkled her nose and I followed her gaze to where Elain was, looking lovely in pink, as she danced with Morrigan, Lucien close by, watching them.
"I never wanted to get in the way of anything," I told her, gently rocking baby Nyx.
Feyre shook her head, "I think it's all worked out for the best. Elain isn't meant to be with Az, they'd have been a terrible match, even if she wasn't Lucien's Mate." She turned back to face me. "Anyway, enough of that, I'm glad things are okay." She reached out and stroked Nyx's hair and he let out a little sigh in response. "Thank you for being there for Nesta," She said to me, "Through everything. I know she can be difficult, but thank you."
"Everyone has struggles," I told her, "And I'm glad I could help… I'm grateful for everything she's done for me too."
Feyre nodded in understanding, a small smile on her lips as Rhysand approached, Azriel at his side. They each had an amber-coloured drink in their hands and they were both grinning from ear to ear.
"Oh no, what are you two up to?" Feyre asked, suspiciously.
"Why would you think we were up to something, Feyre darling?" The High Lord winked.
"Because you usually are," She replied.
Azriel gave a small smile at his High Lady and then glanced over at me, his eyes softening. I sucked in a deep breath.
Rhysand finished his drink and then turned to me, "I'll take my son, Gwyn, thank you. Go and enjoy yourself!" He signalled to the music and the dancing that was happening.
"I'm not really a dancer," I told him with a soft laugh as I passed him Nyx.
"You and Az looked like you were doing a great job the other week," He grinned and I noticed the Shadowsinger raising an eyebrow at him. Feyre looked between the two of us and I caught her smile as she spotted the greeny glow on Azriel's nose. I fiddled with my dress awkwardly.
"Yes, maybe I'll go and dance," I murmured, nodding to each of them and escaping into the crowd.
As I joined in some of the group dances that were happening, I realised that the wine was starting to take effect. It was if I could feel it pumping through my body. I didn't feel drunk, nothing was hazy or out of focus. No, I felt fully in control but more confident. I stopped caring how ridiculous I may have looked copying the group dance. I danced in and out of people as they did the same and then joined in when we moved in bigger circles, our hands facing towards each other in the middle. And I smiled. We switched from dance partner to dance partner, only with each other for a few counts before we looped around again, this way and that.
And I spun right into Azriel's arms. He caught me before I could stumble, his arms on my waist. And then he moved one hand so that it was holding mine and he moved me in the dance. No, we didn't switch partners as we wove in and out of the other guests in fast steps, backwards, forwards, towards each other and twirling. No words were exchanged between us as we moved, the dagger he'd gifted me a weight against my thigh. He spun me, once, twice and then surprised me with a gentle dip. My breath caught in my throat as he slowly pulled me up again, our bodies closer together this time. The pace changed and as he spun me I saw Emerie and Nesta both watching with raised eyebrows. As if I had some explaining to do later.
The night ended when the last of the stars had gone. I knew from my tiredness that dawn had to be near. Azriel had bowed at the last song, had said goodnight and then he'd slipped away as Emerie had looped arms with me and led us to the room we were going to share for some sleep. I noted that it was on the lower level, but brushed the thought away as I washed my face, removed my make-up and changed into my nightgown.
"So are you going to tell me what's going on with you and the Shadowsinger?" Emerie asked as I slid into the double bed beside her. She rolled onto her side to face me, wings tucked in behind her.
I sighed as I rolled onto my back, looking up at the ceiling above me. "The truth is, I don't really know," I replied. I reached for the sheathed dagger on the bedside table and passed it to her. She sat up with the dagger in her hands and it examined it in the dimly lit room.
"A pegasus," She laughed softly. "Where did this come from?"
"Azriel," I told her.
She unsheathed it and ran her fingers over it. "It's new."
"A Starfall gift."
"It's not tradition to give gifts on Starfall."
"Exactly," I sat up too and ran a hand through my hair.
"He must have had this forged pretty quickly after the conversation at dinner," Emerie said, passing it back to me. I nodded and placed it on the bedside table beside the blue velvet box that contained the old dagger. "Well," She said, glancing over at me, "Do you have any feelings for him?"
"I don't know… what does that even feel like?" I sighed. "I think he's good-looking… and not just his butt as Nesta pointed out at training, I mean he's beautiful." My cheeks flushed, "And he makes me smile and laugh." I grabbed a pillow and held it over my face, "Aghhhh!"
Emerie let out a laugh and pulled the pillow off of me, "What are you doing?"
I removed the pillow and punched at it, "I don't even know what I'm doing! But I can't have feelings for him!"
"Why?"
"Because of Elain… because it's ridiculous… because why would he ever even want anything to do with me?"
Emerie grabbed my shoulders and shook me, "Would you stop? You're gorgeous, Gwyn, it's why Nesta and I were so furious that he gave you a second hand present! Because any male would be damn lucky to have you."
I blinked, "Okay."
"Now let's get some sleep. The sun is coming up soon and my eyes are burning." She turned off the light , rolled over and went to sleep.
Sleep came to me quicker than I expected, threatening to swallow me like an oblivion.
The general stood over me, his trousers undone as he smiled smugly. "Hold still, priestess."
"Get off of me!" I cried out as he held me down. I squirmed and sobbed. I could still feel her blood on me.
"This is all you're good for," He said. "Just a good, hard fuck."
His hand reached for my breast.
I sat up in bed, my breathing was fast, my body burned. My throat ached. Tears were already down my cheeks as I bolted from the room before my panicking woke up Emerie. I'm not sure why I went to the small library but I found myself bursting through the doors and falling to my knees as I crossed the threshold.
"Gwyn," The Shadowsinger's voice. Was I still dreaming? "Gwyn," He repeated and despite the fact I was looking down at my hands, my hands which felt like they had blood on them, I could tell he'd kneeled down in front of me. Not a dream.
"The… the blood." I whispered, my voice hoarse.
"There's no blood," His voice was soft. He took my hands in his, turning them over, showing me they were clean. "Breathe."
I concentrated on my breath, I thought of my mind-stilling. Breathing in and out, focussing on that and nothing else, counting in my head, clearing my mind. The tears stopped. A shadow caressed my face and I glanced up. Concern was etched on Azriel's face, but his features were soft. "Sorry," I apologised, moving to take my hands but he didn't let go, "I didn't mean to interrupt."
"You didn't, I was only reading," He said. "Come and sit down, I've got tea." He led me to a sofa and I sank into it as he poured me a cup from the silver teapot. I wasn't sure what kind of herbal tea it was but it definitely had hints of chamomile in it and it smelt wonderful. "What was your dream about?" He asked as he sat on the chair beside me.
"I…er… I…" I stared at the fire flickering in the hearth in front of me. I sucked in a deep breath, "Hybern."
A shadow gently caressed my arm and the Shadowsinger took my hand in his again. I glanced down at where he held my hand. "Sorry… Do my scars bother you?" He asked.
I shook my head and looked back up at him. "Not at all, why would they?"
"They're disgusting," He shrugged, "Most people think so."
"They're beautiful," I told him and he stilled, "They're a part of your story, just a chapter that got you to where you are now." I traced the scars on the hand that held mine with a finger and looked back up at him. That silence fell between us again until he next spoke.
"It wasn't your fault," He said softly, "There wasn't anything you could have done." A shadow brushed against my cheek again.
"I wish back then I knew what I did now," I whispered, "Because then I could have changed things."
"Our past will always haunt us if we decide to let it," He said. He released my hand and passed me my cup of tea. I drank it slowly, feeling his gaze on me the entire time. My heart slowly returned to its normal rate and the nausea passed as I put the empty cup back on the coffee table.
"Why were you not asleep?" I asked him.
"I slept for a few hours," He replied, "but then my body just woke me up and I couldn't get back to sleep so I thought I'd do some reading." He signalled to the open book on the table, where he'd dropped it when I'd burst in.
"What are you reading?" I asked and I reached over, grabbing it. I skimmed the page and then grinned over at him, "A romance, really?"
"It makes a change from books about war," He replied, "Just don't tell Cass, I'll never hear the end of it."
"Oh so he's not told you that he read a lot of Nesta's books when he was trying to win her heart?" I laughed softly and Azriel's eyebrows were raised before he broke out into a grin.
"Perfect!"
"But mention it and I share your secret," I warned him.
"Fine," He stuck his tongue out and I laughed at the playfulness, so different from what most people usually saw. "If you ever need to talk you know… I'm always ready to listen." His hand brushed against mine and I linked my fingers with his.
"Same to you, Shadowsinger."