Chapter 7: haunted tav plushie that sucks your dick and calls you gay
"My therapist told me to stop making posts like this or they'll put me down"
— 12 —
It all makes sense on paper.
Tav only wishes they still had their original notebook, the one their patron gave them.
Starting over from nothing is infuriating. It makes them have to rely on shoddy memories, not all of which are theirs originally. Learning to read had originally seemed like such a breakthrough. They no longer had to rely on memorization for everything. They could outsource those to paper, neatly organized by topic, filled with little doodles of anything they found interesting. It was always possible to refer back to the notebook to relive events and knowledge.
Now?
They're fairly sure they're not even convincingly being Tav. They're filling it in as they go, with what feels correct at the time, and just hoping it all comes together in the end.
Tav. Human, male, cleric. The face looks like this. This is their backstory. Here are the directions to properly play them. This is how you avoid suspicion.
It's also imprecise and sloppy. Just like everything else in Faerûn.
At the very least, Tav has joined a group of natives. Adventurers with similar enough goals.
They study them as they lead the party through the escape tunnels below the village. Sometimes stealing away to jot down notes and draw their faces. Just in case.
"No, I'm prettier than that, luv," Molly says, leaning in. She taps at Tav's book, and they almost flinch away. "Also make my horns sharper."
"This is accurate to you," Tav says.
"Pff!" Molly waves her hand. "I'm, like, one-fourth succubus on my mum's side. I am way cuter than your drawing. Otherwise, it's good. Never had my portrait drawn."
Moleeshka "Molly." Tiefling female. Youngest of the group, no older than twenty. Slutty gloves. Those seem very important. Tav wonders what they could do to be sluttier.
"I will make adjustments when we have time to relax," Tav says.
This part of the tunnels looks over some caves that have far too many webs for anyone to feel safe. It feels homey, as far as Tav is concerned. It's not a route anyone else wants to take. Tav isn't sure who dug the tunnels under this town, but they're not hard to navigate. It's mostly a straight shot through.
"You can't be one-fourth succubus, Moleeshka," Eddie says, clicking her tongue is displeasure. "Succubi and mortal men produce alu-fiends. Continued procreation can create tieflings in subsequent generations. Unless your mother wasn't herself a tiefling."
"Then one-sixth succubus," Molly says with a shrug. "Quick maths!"
Edwina "Eddie" Odesseiron. Half-elf female, wizard. A little sallow. A little boney. With the physical build of a dancer under those baggy, ill-fitting clothes. She always keeps some distance between herself and the others. She steps lightly and cautiously; her footsteps don't echo off the caves like everyone else.
"Blood doesn't divide into sixths," Eddie says with a sigh. "Ignoring how blood doesn't neatly divide into fractions, blood typically works in halves, fourths, eighths, and so on. It doubles with each generation, you genetic cul-de-sac."
"Y'know, Eddie," Jack says, "I get that you got this here voice in your head that wants you to prove you're always correct and the smartest in the room. But that voice is the Devil and it will make you chronically unfuckable."
"I always thought Eddie had a spinster-y feeling to her," Molly says, flicking her forked tail. She moves her hips a lot when she talks. "You think her wizard familiar is a cat?"
Then there's Jack, who… is Jack.
Also, Eddie is making a face that Tav has to quickly draw. It feels like a useful expression to have on hand.
"Oooh!" Jack says, holding out his hand to Molly. "Gang?"
She slaps his hand. "Gang!"
He snaps his fingers and she does it back. And Tav watches with fascination as the two of them gesture frantically at each other. They think they're trying to cast magic spells at each other. When nothing happens, they conclude those two are just having some sort of non-lethal stroke and all is well.
Tav falls back to walk alongside Eddie. "Your relationship with your friends is strange."
Eddie's eyes are decidedly half-elven. They almost come to a point at the edges. Whenever she quickly turns her attention to anything, it looks sharp and judgemental. "'Friends' is a strong word, Tav. Vulgar, even. Don't sully your mouth with it."
"Ah," Tav says. "Is this the verbal abuse that Jack claims is secretly how you show you care?"
"Oh, me? Why, it must prove how much I care. I care so much I would absolutely betray them for the first better offer I get."
"Would you trust in a hag?" Tav asks.
Eddie cocks a brow. "No. Why?"
"Then we are of the same mindset about this rumor I have heard. This means we are becoming close to share such opinions. When may I expect verbal abuse? I wish to be part of this party."
She sighs.
"Wait," Tav says, holding up their hands. The tunnel tapers off to a dead end, with only a smatter of brick masonry and a rusted old shovel indicating anything is amiss. Tav runs their hands across the cool, wet wall until they find the button.
The bricks creak as a hidden door opens.
"This basement is where I escaped from. Do be careful," they say. "It had the look of wizards."
Jack enters first and taps his foot. "No traps here. We're good."
Molly pokes her head out from behind him. "You sure that's your call to make, paladin?"
He scowls, but without any heat. "I don't know. Would you like me to drag you across the floor like a broom to be sure?"
"Don't threaten me with a good time," she says, crouching down. "This place feels dungeon-y. Gotta be a trap somewhere. What kinda self-respecting dungeoneer doesn't fill their lair with traps?"
Tav and Eddie follow in after them.
It's a large and very old room. A mix between a cellar and some type of office. Perhaps even a dining room, given the long table in the center of the floor. Tav stares at a taxidermy dolphin hanging from the ceiling that had basically mummified. Molly pokes a similarly stuffed owlbear cub standing by a desk.
Eddie's attention is on a desk and old books, seemingly rapt on it.
"It is good paper," Tav says, holding up their notebook. "This is where I acquired this one. I only had to tear out a few occupied pages to cleanse it."
"You desecrated a book?" Eddie asks, horrified.
"I needed it more than the dead."
She shakes her head, adjusting her ponytail. "Don't do that. Wizards write interesting things down in their notebooks. See this?" Eddie reaches into a stack of books and pulls out a rolled up scroll. "This is clearly an old spell scroll."
"How does it work?"
"It's the magical equivalent of already providing the downpayment on a house," she says, unfurling it. She frowns in thought. "You need to know how to be able to use a magical device, and it's not as straightforward as you might think. For this scroll here, the ingredients, Weave, or any rituals needed were already cast and imbued here. You just need to be able to read and understand it and you can utilize it."
"Why not just use all the spells you want?" Tav asks, leaning over Eddie's shoulder. "Especially if you already know the spell in question."
She twitches, moving away from Tav. "You can use scrolls to use more spells than you might normally be able to before exhausting yourself and your mind. Shouldn't you, a cleric, know how magic works?"
"My magic is divine," Tav says quickly. "I do not grasp the theory; I merely perform as needed."
Eddie frowns. "It boggles me that anyone could use magic, like you or the paladin, and not want to understand it." She puts a hand on her hip and gestures the scroll about with the other. "You never wondered how you can create water from nothing or send a bolt of fire with nothing but your hands and voice? You never wanted to read every single text and theory until you understood it, could replicate it, and know why?"
Tav nods eagerly. "Yes, I understand, Eddie! This is why I keep notes on people and the world. Anyone may know a thing. To understand it and make it part of yourself is a different, more noble pursuit."
"And this is what separates a wizard from lesser spellcasters," Eddie says seriously. "You're content to let it be. I demand to understand no matter the cost. Why are true spells so costly, yet a cantrip is nearly effortless? Who first devised this spell and how can I replicate it? Why did Mystra put laws on magic itself?"
"Mystra," Tav says, jotting down a note. "That is the goddess of magic, correct?"
Eddie examines the scroll before tucking it away in her pack. "See, Tav, when you ask questions like that, I can't tell if you're mentally deficient or if I should just permanently lower my opinion of you."
Tav snaps their book shut. "I know. I was merely testing you. You have passed. I congratulate you."
"See, that's called lying," Eddie says, shaking her head almost sadly. "We don't do that here."
Jack whistles. "Everyone, come here. Found the next hidden door."
"I found it, actually!" Molly says, standing by a new door in another section of the wall.
"Yes, but all the credit belongs to me because I asked you to touch this sketchy button. I deserve all the credit. I'm a paladin; I cannot tell a lie."
"That's a lie right there!" Molly says.
"Nuh-uh. Plus, I entered the room first." Jack sprints into the next room.
"Hey, don't do that!" Molly says, running after him. "If there's traps in there, I'm letting you die!"
Tav gives Eddie a meaningful look.
Eddie sighs, shoulders slumping. "Alright. That egg is on me. I will own this failure and learn to never trust again."
"I went through here earlier," Tav says, walking up to Jack. Staring at his face. "It is the basement of an alchemist. The door to the workshop is hidden behind a bookcase."
"It looks like a regular cellar," he says. "I'mma find me the stairs or whatever."
They watch him go. "It is a ladder. I climbed down earlier. There are lots of dried herbs here that looked interesting."
"More like desiccated," Eddie says, grabbing a plant hanging from a drying rack. "This place hasn't seen inhabitation for an age."
"Do herbs grow less potent with the passing of time?" Tav asks.
"It depends on the reagent, if we're thinking in alchemical terms," Eddie says, once again trying to fix her hair. "Most are best fresh. Others, like mummy wrap or some mushrooms, are preferred aged."
"You think even these are bad?" Molly asks, poking at a crate filled with red potions. "They got that health tonic look to them."
"I wouldn't drink those," Eddie says.
"Yeah, but I'm not you." Molly bites the cork off one and tastes it. She stands there for a moment. Shivers. And starts to cough.
"I don't know what you expected, Moleeshka."
"Go to hell," Molly says, throwing the potion against the wall and shattering it. "That tasted like getting punched in the mouth."
Eddie rubs her eyes. "Oh, the things we can but dream of."
Jack calls out from further in the room. "If y'all biddies done being catty, I found me the ladder up."
The room above is exactly as Tav remembered it. They're behind a shop counter in a building that has more holes than solid wall. Old detritus litters the floor and rotting paintings hang from the walls. It smells of damp wood.
Tav points towards what was on the front door. "Out there and up the hill. Zevlor and the others were held up in the old windmill earlier. There were a lot of goblins."
"And they all came from that goblin camp in the temple?" Eddie asks.
"The goblins are a scouting force from that place, as far as I remember, yes," Tav says, shrugging.
"How did you sneak out?"
"Very carefully," Tav says.
They creep through the door and see everything. Outside the sun begins its descent below the horizon, bathing the ruined village in a homey light that makes Tav wish for better, more sensible days. The town once had walls and enough houses to suggest a thriving hamlet. Now its only occupants are here against their will.
It's hard to make out clearly through the streets, but Zevlor is right where Tav left them. As is the goblin army, only slightly fewer in number from the few brave souls that got too close to the barricade the tieflings set out. The arrows set them straight. Tav can't count the goblins, nor even the wargs some of them keep as pets, but they can count the three ogres milling about.
"Shit!" Molly says, grabbing Tav and pulling them away from the door. "No one told me there would be ogres. What are ogres doing with goblins?"
"Ogres are very big and goblins are not," Tav says. "Perhaps this is just nature in balance, like Eddie and Jack. Big ones go with small ones to provide a medium size on average."
"That would make sense," Jack says. "The druids back in the grove were all about natural balance and stuff. Perhaps both sides are not so different after all."
Molly puffs her out her cheek in though. "What if we all put on a giant coat and walked out there together on each other's shoulders?"
"To what end?" Tav asks.
"Maybe if we're the biggest," Molly says, "the ogres and goblins will get scared and run away."
Eddie stares at them. "You simians are causing me more brain damage than my tadpole. I acquired a few extra scrolls to use if it comes down to violence. Moleeshka, can you create a distraction? We can pick off anyone who comes to investigate."
Molly sneers. "First solution is just murder, huh? That is so in-character of you."
Jack makes a face but says nothing.
"I don't know how else we're going to get rid of them all," Eddies goes on with, "and I don't like our odds in a straight fight."
"What kind of distraction could I make?"
Eddie shrugs. "These houses look old. Perhaps we can find a load-bearing beam and use that to collapse it. Start a fire and all of the dust it's sure to kick off might even create a fireball."
"Why would they run towards an explosion?" Molly asks.
Tav stands there, swiveling their head and watching the two women grow increasingly frustrated with each other.
"Hey," Jack says. "Why don't we just talk to them?"
"They're goblins," Eddie says.
"And we're True Souls," he says. "They seem to listen to parasite people."
"That is a distressing mystery," Tav adds, trying to feel useful.
"They had human handlers last time," Eddie says, ignoring them. "Known elements we tricked."
"Brynna mentioned a drow giving everyone orders," Molly says, brushing a stray bang from her eyes. "If we got some coal and rubbed it all over you, maybe we could pass you off as that drow. Goblins are kinda dumb."
Tav blinks. They remember a drow once, a dark elf really. Ghosts of a voice without a face to put it to. They check their notes, only to remember this isn't their original book. They feel a phantom touch, mind racing with an idea.
One they do not want to commit to, not this soon. It's just that it feels like such a smart idea. So clever and could solve everything. They rub their face trying to think of what to say. How to get their attention.
"Hey," they say, and it's little more than a mumble no one pays any mind to.
Eddie stabs her fingers at Molly. "You are not covering me in soot! What would a dark elf even be doing on the surface?"
"Why not?" Molly clicks her tongue. "Think of it as makeup. You look like you know how to wear makeup."
"What does that mean? What are you saying, Moleeshka?"
But everything the women are saying only pushes Tav towards their idea. One that won't even be especially hard. Just, very awkward. They feel itchy again, like what the tadpole was doing to them. This seems like a problem perfectly designed for Tav. How to propose it without being suspicious, though?
They look to Jack, who's regarding Tav. Enough to make it even harder to try to say anything.
Tav rubs their wrists. "Um?"
"Oh, nothing," Molly says innocently. "I just think it naturally fits with your prissy fifty-gold haircut out of here until you have a single sane take."
Eddie flinches, hand going to her chest. Like she's been stabbed. "Prissy? I—it's normal. Nothing is—" She swallows hard and takes a shuddering breath, fists balled. "Look, there's no reason for this, Moleeshka. I'm just trying to find a solution. Violence appears to be a dead end. So I need options, people. Something I can act on."
"You?" Molly scoffs.
"Yes, me. I. The first person pronoun and the only one that matters. Because it refers to me."
Tav remembers something. They open their notebook and check and there it is. They start making the hand gesture Molly and Jack spoke of, the one asking for help. Subtle, but enough.
Jack is still watching them intently. "What's on your mind, Tav?" he asks loud enough for everyone's attention.
Tav takes a very long breath and forces their hands still. It helps them show them their notebook. "I, uh, I know the disguise spell. Molly says the goblins take orders from a drow, yes? What if I used that to disguise myself and that provides the known quantity they lack in seeing us as we are? A drow True Soul."
Eddie squints. "That's a strange spell you know."
"It was a gift from my patron," Tav says quickly.
"'Patron'? Are you a cleric or a warlock?"
"May I remind you that your categories are arbitrary?" Tav says, adjusting their collar. "The idea is, cloaking myself in the garb of a drow, we may have more success."
Molly rubs her mouth. "I mean… maybe?"
Jack sighs. "Look, I am starting to get a headache from all y'all's bitchin' at each other. Tav's got the first solid idea I've heard. I wanna hear him out."
Tav beams, then frowns as they tap their book with their pen. "I have seen one drow before. It was a long time ago and I cannot recall the fine details. I need help. Describe a drow to me whose form I may take."
Molly waves her hands. "So they're like elves, but super dark, and they're evil, and they live in the underdark below our feet where they worship evil."
"I don't think they're all evil," Tav says uncomfortably. "B-but I can work with evil eyes to sell the image to the goblins. What else?"
Eddie shakes her head. "Moleeshka is spouting old wives tales about Lolth-sworn drow specifically."
"So hating on tieflings is cool but not drow?" Molly asks.
"Thank you for understanding," Eddie says dismissively. "Look, Tav, drow are elves but their flesh is so dark it's almost purple. They have lighter hair colors. Their builds are similar to yours."
Tav is scribbling. "And the eyes?"
"Elven and sharp, same as their ears. Pale irises that may almost look white."
"And they really are evil!" Molly insists. "Don't forget that. I don't know how to draw evil but picture it."
"I will not," Tav says, holding their pen tighter.
"Actually," Eddie says, tapping her chin. "You'll want to be a woman. Dark elves are matriarchal. The women tend to have more authority, so odds are anyone seeing a drow in authority will expect a woman."
Tav shows them their sketch. "Does this look right?"
Molly leans in, then snorts. "Oh my gods that's just Eddie but angrier."
Eddie scowls. "I don't look like that!"
Tav flips a page in their book. "I drew your face here. Molly's idea to paint your skin was inspired. You are my reference for a more elven façade. And I will be very pretty. It will do you justice."
Eddie frowns, sucking on her lips. Fidgeting a little with her fingers. "Alright."
Tav smiles as they finish their sketch. "Superb! I shall return promptly."
"Can't do it here?" Jack asks.
Tav shakes their head. "No, it is embarrassing to do in front of people. Too much scrutiny."
"Huh?" Molly asks, making Tav fidgeting.
But Jack of all people puts his hand on their shoulder. "That makes sense. Like being unable to piss when another man is standing next to you. I'll keep these two from killing each other, Tav. You go on."
He sounds so reasonable and understanding. Almost too understanding. Tav forces a smile as they pull away from his grip, and feels like his fingers left bruises. He's still watching them as Tav scampers into the next room.
It looks like it was once a bedroom, complete with a rotten bed and a stained mirror. They knew this was here. That's why they have to be in this location. They stare at their dingy reflection and hold up their notebook.
And take a breath.
It starts in Tav's core, like manually pumping one's own heart. It's impossible to describe, just something Tav understands. One of the very few things like that in Tav's mind. How does one describe the mechanics and individual muscles one uses to move one's knees so they can walk?
They remember the first time it happened and the feeling of bones in places there shouldn't be bones, a new ribcage, flesh in unusual places they didn't know what to do with. The man who was as close to a father as Tav had had guided them through it, his soft, aged voice bringing Tav a sense of sanity to the madness of their own body. He showed Tav a mirror and asked them to do it again, holding their hand as their fingers recabled to new muscles. Teaching them how to be themselves.
The tadpole behind their eye squirms, as if finding a new room inside Tav's head. And for all intents and purposes, it is.
Their teeth readjust to fit their jaw, skin splitting and expanding to cover gendered assets. They twitch furiously, scratching and digging at their clothes. Before they notice the new physical sensation, the warm air on the tips of elongated ears. It's like the feeling of horns when they imitated tieflings to convince the goblins they were actually several people instead of just themself alone.
Tav stares at their reflection. A pretty woman stares back at them, with silver hair and pale eyes. They wink and snap their fingers as does the reflection. The clothes don't fit quite as well.
But the most important part is the voice. Her voice. As Tav remembers it.
"Do re mi," Tav says, rubbing their throat. Listening to the sultry female voice. Dark elves look like they should sound sultry. They babble like an infant, making tiny adjustments to their throat and hyoid bone. A little more husk for good measure. Until they sound like her, perfectly as Tav imagined it should be.
Tav pokes at the long tips of their ears. Humans have such small ears it's a wonder they can hear anything at all. This, at least, feels normal in shape, if not color.
They adjust their clothes. They're tight around the chest. Their ears spring back to place when poked. Tav plays with them until they're red from agitation. Everything feels and sounds right enough to present themselves.
"There you are, my lovelings," Tav says in a husky voice, coming through the door. "Do forgive my slowness. I needed to play with the spell to properly sell the image. And I think I do." They wink.
Everyone stares.
"Holy shit, Tav," Molly blurts out. "Fucking step on me already."
"Moleeshka, that's disgusting," Eddie says, lip curling.
"Eddie, you're just mad jealous," Molly laughs. "He's basically your prettier half-sister now."
"Cut the shit, Molly," Jack says with a sigh. "But for real, Tav, you actually look lovely."
Tav chuckles, a throaty sound from a newborn neck. "Jackie-boy, I am hurt you would think anything else of me." They give their hips a jostle, in that way the tiefling likes to do. "I had great references."
Eddie leans in, hand over her mouth to hide an uncomfortable grimace. "If they don't know drow very well, they won't know you look only half dark elf. And maybe if you don't open your mouth."
They adjust their elongated hair, modeled after Eddie. "What is wrong with my voice? This is how drow sound."
"It's more…" Eddie tilts her head. "I mean, you sound very stilted and too official. Perhaps we should try to work more on your appearance and actions." She looks meaningfully at Jack.
"What?" he asks.
"In case something goes wrong, you should go with her. Him. Whatever." Eddie shrugs. "And since drow are matriarchal, having a big slave with them would really sell the appearance."
"And you can help if Tav flounders," Molly adds. "But will Tav know how to treat her man-slave?"
"Hold on, y'all." Jack holds up his hands.
Eddie gets an oddly impish look in her eyes. "See, Tav? Right there. A drow wouldn't tolerate her man-slave talking back to her. You should slap him."
Tav winds their hand back and smacks Jack. "Like that?"
Jack hisses, rubbing his cheek. "The fuck, bitch?"
Eddie shakes her head. "No, that was too light. Really put your weight into it. You have to convince me you're the matriarch and he's your surface servant."
"That makes sense to me," Molly says happily.
Tav tries it again.
"I swear to God I'll take that hand off if you try that again!" Jack says sharply.
Eddie grins. "No, he's still too lippy."
"Stop enjoying this!" Jack demands.
Tav holds their hand. "Should I go for a different angle? I think I am not using my wrist enough."
"Wait!" Molly says, pulling off a glove. "Make him wear the slut gloves, too! Every boy slave wears these, I bet."
Jack glares. "Fuck no."
Eddie snaps her fingers. "He's talking back. What do you, a drow matriarch, do in this situation?"
Tav eyes Jack up, looking for the ideal place to strike. Until they really see the look in his eyes. An expression that feels horribly familiar. Straight from whatever memories they have that don't belong to them. They feel the blood draining from their hand, hesitating.
"Go on," he says. "I dare you."
"I am okay," Tav says, pulling their hand back.
Eddie sighs. "Oh well. We can workshop this later. You two go out there. If it does go bad, we'll… Well, Moleeshka and I will have a head start in escaping."
Tav looks back to Jack and flinches a little from his expression. They swallow. "Right. I will attempt to talk and the lovely paladin will be my backup. Is this our agreed plan?"
"Sure," Jack says grimly.
"Excellent! Now let us disarm a horde of goblins using only words and hope we do not die horribly."
— 13 —
This world is wrong. Tav can see it on the surface more than anywhere else. It's in the grass, the vines, and the trees. The plants barely move when you approach them, like they're slow, mentally deficient, not afraid of you. Time moves to a maddeningly predictable cadence, inviting you to count by seconds off your fingers. Tav even sees a moth in the fading sunlight whose pattern doesn't eerily resemble the face of a long lost loved one. It doesn't even try to kill them.
This world is dull.
Which makes the knives it uses to push into your belly all the more painful.
Like what it did to their original notebook.
They and Jack barely make it halfway down the street when someone calls out to them from a rooftop. A little goblin woman with a bow huddled up in the ruined rafters.
"Well, well, well, boys!" she shouts, knocking an arrow. "Looks like we got ourselves a trespasser! How's about you—" Then she stops. "Wait, a drow? In the sunlight?"
Tav inhales sharply. This is too fast. Too sudden. Tav didn't have time to fully think out who they're supposed to be yet. Their mind flashes to Molly; their mouth and body improvise the rest.
"And my boy-slave," Tav says, folding their arms. Which they can't find a perfectly normal position for now that they're this woman.
Jack sighs. "Which is me."
There's a moment. A pause.
Tav remembers the oldest advice they know: double-down, commit to the bit. That's how someone like them survives. It doesn't matter how insane or unlikely it is, when you say something, you have to lie so hard you believe it yourself. Become the mask, the persona. So utterly and completely that people doubt themselves.
So they do. They strike their pose even harder, acting offended. Staring up at the goblins who could easily just kill them. And believes in themselves harder than the goblin can possibly doubt them.
"You must got the touch of the Absolute to be up here!" she says, waving frantically to more goblins hiding around the roof. "Stand down, boys. Down! Er, apologies, your ladyship. Hard making you out from this distance, y'know? Yeah. Sorry. Won't happen again, lady."
Tav nudges Jack, trying to keep down a smile. This is working. Huge success! "Do you hear this, paladin? I am a lady now."
Jack's twitching slightly and grabs his arm to stop himself. He calls out to the goblins. "Don't mistake her or myself ever again, understand? If you can't make use of those eyes, we'll take them from you!"
The goblin backs away until only her head is visible over the lip of the roof. "Yes. Right. Of course!"
"Who's in charge here?" Jack asks.
She hesitates. "Fezzerk's running this scouting party. Those tieflings are barricaded up by the windmill. They shoot anyone who gets too close and the ogres ain't been helpful."
"We'll fix it," he says. "Now go."
"Right. Yeah, of course! Move it, boys. And show her ladyship some respect!"
Actually, not that Tav is looking, they see there were goblins on other rooftops. They weren't there earlier. Tav suspects they set up the overwatch for Tav especially. Or at least in case anyone else tried to go for help like they did.
"Come along, Jack," they say, heading towards the windmill and the rest of the goblins. After a moment they try to shake their hips more when they walk. No, that's too much. More a slight sway. What's a good feminine and matriarchal walk?
"Are you itchy?" Jack asks, looking down at them. "Might be the tadpole."
Tav blinks. "Nevermind me and how I very much know how to walk like a female. Why are you twitching?"
"Nerves," he says quickly. "Lotta goblins around here. Don't worry about it."
The goblins are mostly lazing about, content to wait the siege out or poke through the ruined houses. A lot of them give them angry looks as soon as they see Tav and Jack, but none of them attack. They mostly look confused.
"Where is Fezzerk?" Tav demands at a goblin along their way. "Speak quickly, dear, I have not all day."
"Uh…" He points. "Over there. Blue face paint. You can't miss him, uh, ladyship?"
"I am slowly learning how to speak and behave as this drow. I have a good feeling, Jack. This is exciting!"
He keeps pace with her, shield on his arm and sword not far. "If'n you ignore how they're all staring at us. This goes south, we're prolly dead."
The trio of ogres are on the far end. They're huge, fat beasts. One who looks like a leader strokes his chin as he watches them, as if trying to look more thoughtful than ogres are supposed to be. Tav has never seen an ogre up close, only heard of them. Part of them wants to touch the ogres to see what they feel like. But their smarter part just takes Jack towards the goblin they think is Fezzerk.
Like all goblins, he's small and well armed. Blue paint outlines his face. He's complaining to some subordinate about how the ogres are useless and how it shouldn't be this hard to smoke out a couple tieflings and adventurers.
He looks around when his companions steps away, only to turn to face Tav. "The fuck? Well, what have got 'ere—oh. Oh. Shit." His body tenses up, one hand halfway towards a weapon. The goblin seems unsure whether to attack or bow.
"You are Fezzerk," Tavi says in a harsh voice, then chuckles. Just like a drow would probably do. "You have made a mess of a simple task."
His eyes widen. With effort he stands up taller, eying them and Jack. "W-what do you want here? Need, I mean. What do you need? I don't need anything. I've got this covered."
Jack looks up at the boxes and garbage at the top of the hill that makes a makeshift barrier. Dead goblins and even a couple wargs lay at the foot of the wall, some shot through with arrows, others looking cut in half with swords.
"It looks like you can't cover shit," Jack says. "How many tieflings are up there?"
"Erm." The goblin plays with his fingers, leaning side to side as if trying to look the two up from every possible angle. "You're blessed, ain't you? Both of you? True Souls?"
Tav steps up to Fezzerk sharply, readying their hand to establish dominance. When the tadpole squirms and they see it. Fezzerk's paint hides it, but there's a strange symbol that's almost glowing under the tadpole's focus. Jack is staring at it too. Tav can't help themselves; they focus on symbol and their tadpole squirms with power. Authority.
"I am Tav," they say sharply. "A True Soul of the Absolute. I should have my servant here remove that head from your shoulders; you are obviously making no use of it, Fezzerk."
A shiver runs across their mind. Their tadpole settles. And Tav feels oddly… sated.
Fezzerk's gags on something, holding his head. "Yeah, yeah, sorry. Shouldn't'a doubted ever."
"I repeat: how many are held up there?" Tav asks, fishing for how many survivors are left.
The goblin looks over his shoulder, thinking. "Uh, don't know. Buncha tieflings. Some humans. Held up real good-like in there. I thought it smart to wait 'em out and grind them down slowly until the ogres got off their asses. Obviously, uh, haha, I was wrong and you are not."
"Why are the ogres not helping?" Tav asks.
Fezzerk rubs his hands together. "The biggest one, Lump, says sieges are not part of his deal and, well, yeah. That's it. He's acting like he's on a devil's contract, he is."
Tav folds their arms. They're getting used to the bust. "None of you cowards are able to handle this. I shall do it myself."
He nods. "Yeah, yeah. What do you want, uh, True Soul ladyness?"
Jack looks around, meeting the eyes of the distant ogres. "Leave. All of you."
"What?"
He grits his teeth. "You'll get in my way. Go back and report back to the temple to her."
Fezzerk hesitates. "Her? You mean Gut or the other drow, Minthara?"
Tav exchanges a glance with Jack. They have another name for the Absolute's leadership now. The paladin keeps his cool.
"Inform Minthara of your failings," Jack says. "And tell her we handled the tieflings. Without you."
Fezzerk stands there. "Wait? You want us to just, like, leave? Go away? Not be here?"
"Leave now," Jack says, leaning forwards. "Before I shove my foot so far up your ass you'll be tasting steel-plated toes for a week."
The goblin looks around, breathing. Before doing something with his hands and bowing. "Right. Will do, True Souls. Praise the Absolute and, uh, yeah!" He walks away backwards, afraid to take his eyes off the two of them.
Until he gets to a distance he must feel safe at. He spins and runs off to gather the other goblins. There's a moment they think he's going to come back in force to attack them, but instead Fezzerk starts pointing and shouting and trying to get everyone to leave this blighted village.
Tav stands with Jack, trying to look mean and imposing.
"I am the best at pretending to be other people!" Tav cheers quietly, barely able to hide their grin. "That actually worked. There were no complications!"
"Don't jinx it," Jack says through his grit teeth. He twitches again.
Wait, no. A drow should appear calm and in control. They can fix this.
"Honey, I would never." They click their tongue. "I merely think we pulled that off well together. A little too well. You do sell the image of a blood-thirsty savage when you need to. It is rather enticing."
"Why the fuck are you talking like that, Tav?"
They point their nose up in offense. "It is what my character would do. I think."
Jack shakes his head slowly. "How about instead of just being a character you just be yourself as you want to be?"
Tav frowns. "Hypocrisy is not very charming. You are playing a character yourself, are you not?"
He's silent, expression more intense.
"Am I wrong?" they ask.
"I'm still in control of myself. Just."
Tav clasps their arms behind their back. "I am not the one twitching. You do not look nervous. Why are you agitated?"
"I'm fine."
"You tell a lot of lies, paladin."
"Who the hell even are you, Tav?" Jack asks.
Tav covers half their face with their palm. "Whoever I need to be. Let us leave it there for now."
"Oi!" a deep, rumbling voice says. As a large ogre saunters towards them both. Two others follow behind it.
"Fuck nevermind," Tav says quickly. "I was too busy being cagey and I jinxed us!"
The creature stands before them, towering two or even three Tav's tall. Its fat belly jiggles and bounces in a way that Tav really wants to draw. From everything Tav remembers about Faerûn, ogres are big, strong, and eat anything. Stupid, too. Especially stupid.
It occurs to Tav the ogre isn't attacking. He's trying to talk to them. This plan may be saved. Actually, they should make use of this before the opportunity passes.
"You are an ogre!" Tav enthuses. "Up close! Hold on; I must draw you."
"I hope you get my good side, drow," the ogre says, studying Tav in a way they're sure ogres aren't supposed to. He scratches his belly. "You won't be seeing it for long."
"Uh, Tav?" Jack says.
Tav is too busy scribbling the outline of the ogre's hideous face. "You are an ogre. Is it true that you are all mentally deficient brutes? How do you not forget to breathe?"
The ogre laughs, a throaty noise Tav can feel in their stomach. "A robust diet and healthy living does wonders for the mind. I am no mere ogre. I am Lump, and I am a gourmand. And I can but imagine what wonders you'll do for my mind yet. Good liars are good for the brain." He hefts his massive war club over his shoulder, more an entire tree than any normal weapon.
Tav put their hand to their breast in offense. "Liars? Good sir, I have told you no lies! I am True Soul Tav, darkest of ladies and most sinister of characters. Look at the quality of my boy slave. I have slapped him many a time with the back of my lady-like hand. Now stand still so I may get your ugly nose correct."
Lump snorts. "No, see." He shrugs. "We had a deal with the Absolutists: we check the brands to make sure they're with them, and we eat everyone who ain't. A very good agreement, if I do say so."
"And?" Tav asks.
The ogre leans down. "You have no brand."
"No brand," another ogre says. "Big eat. Eat!"
"Not so fast," the first ogre says, holding up a finger. "This is a drow. Or rather, is only half a drow. You may have fooled the goblins, but not I."
Tav glances at their book. "I have never eaten a sentient being. Yet given my features, I do not think you will find me a pleasing meal, Lump. You should look elsewhere."
"Yeah!" Jack adds. "And her tits are fake, too. They'll get stuck in your teeth and make a weird rubbery sound."
"How fucking dare you!" Tav snaps. "Slaves do not speak to their mistresses in such vulgar ways. Death for you. Death for a thousand years!"
Lump sighs, a sound like something stomping on a puffed-up frog. "My estimation of you falls by the moment."
"What were you even hoping to gain?" Jack asks, taking a tactical step away from Tav's lady-like slapping hands.
The ogres lowers his head, grinning. "Goblins are as foolish as they are poor. Logic dictates the reverse is true. The smarter, the richer. I could just kill and eat you and uphold the letter of my bargain with the Absolutists. Yet, I am a student of higher bribery and extortion. 'Tis my gourmand's gut that reckons you may have something of more worth to me than the Absolute."
Tav clicks their tongue. "I offer a very exciting backhand and life of servitude to a worthy mistress. You are in luck as I have need to replace my current boy slave."
"I don't think you understand your position here, True Soul." Lump cracks his knuckles. It sounds like breaking barrels.
There's three ogres and only two of them and Jack. It doesn't take a genius to realize one hit from any of those monsters will break them apart and shatter them into a mushy paste. They talked down the goblins, but against all odds this ogre is smarter than that.
Lump wants something, and Tav doesn't really have anything to bargain with their life for. So maybe Tav doesn't have it. They think. Tav isn't Tav right now, that's just one name. They are instead of an evil drow seductress who keeps slaves and has no regard for life or morality.
What would their character do?
Then it hits them all at once.
"I will step on you," they say confidently, seductively. Completely believing that this is what the ogre wants. So hard that even the ogre will doubt his own desires. This is Tav's mask. This is reality.
Lump squints. "Is… is that a threat or an offer? Why are you making this sound like an offer?"
"I understand it to be something the youth are into these days. I know a lovely tiefling girl who positively begged for the experience."
The ogre looks around. "Is this a sex thing?"
"Yes."
Jack is staring at Tav like he's not sure what sequence of events led his life to this position. He looks up at the sky like a lost child, shaking his head at nothing.
The ogre grimaces. "I would normally indulge in a thing like you throwing herself upon my handsome visage, but—"
Tav scoffs confidently. "This is an offer. You look to be a student of higher extortion and bribery. I am tempting you. You will fall for it. And we shall both leave mutually sullied."
"I am astounded."
"As you should be."
Lump waves his giant meaty hands. "No. Not that. The fact that you're making this very weird."
"Who, little old me?" Tav asks, spasming their eyelids in their best attempt at a seductive flutter. "I merely promise you the bliss of true submission to a worthy mistress."
"You're making me very uncomfortable right now."
"You have a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity before you, Lump the ogre," Tav says, tapping at their luscious lips. "If you cannot see the honor I offer you, then take your giant clown feet and lumber on out of here."
"As opposed to your tiny, dainty feet?"
Tav winks. "Now you are getting it, dearest Lump. Now lay down."
"I'd rather not, actually."
Jack gestures. Tav side-eyes him for ruining the moment. Until they realize he's doing something Molly taught him. Lump is too focused on Tav to notice it.
The paladin is signaling for an attack. They follow his gaze up to one of the roofs. Eddie and Molly are crouched up there, barely visible.
Tav tries to gesture for them to stop. They have this covered. They are going to seduce the ogre and then draw the aftermath in their notebook.
"What?" Lump asks.
Jack points sharply towards him.
Molly shoots the arrow. It hits Lump in the ear. He screams in rage and surprise, stumbling backwards.
Jack thrusts his sword into the ogre's knee with a flash and boom of divine light. The limb shatters with an audible crack, fragmenting bone and blood as the ogre falls down. The impact shakes the earth and kicks up a cloud of dust.
Tav scrambles for their weapon, but it's too many steps to take out the mace. They give that up and repeat well-memorized gestures with their hands, eyes set on one of the two startled ogres.
"Claíomh Solais!" Tav shouts, the verbal component that sends a guiding bolt of divine light straight into the monster. It hits with a flash, bathing the ogre in glittering light.
Jack is already sprinting as a thunderous orb crashes against the last ogre. As Molly and Eddie rain spells and arrows into that one.
The ogre swings its massive war club, but Jack is too close. It can't get enough leverage. Jack brushes the blow aside, using his shield to direct the blow into the ground. He falls to his knees with the motion. Only to spring back up, stabbing his sword under the ogre's loincloth. He tears it away with a rough motion, ripping out a chunk of flesh as the ogre screams.
Lump groans and Tav realizes he's still alive. The only solution is to get their mace and bash his brains in while he's still crippled.
"Wait!" Lump grunts right as Tav smashes his teeth in. And again. And again.
After three swings Tav already feels exhausted. Their wrist aches. And their nice clothes are covered in a stinking mix of ogre spit, mucus, and blood. The cratered remains of Lump's face gargle, drowning him in his own fluids.
The last ogre is trying to figure out what to do. Magical missiles hit him. He grabs a rock to throw it up at Eddie. Until Molly pops out from another angle and shoots an arrow through the monster's hand.
Tav is panting. Sweating. Feeling the uncomfortably soggy places sweat can pool on a woman's body. Everything slides against itself. They wipe their forehead, trying to figure whom to help.
Jack's ogre is stumbling, grabbing for its pierced groin. The paladin then just freaking tackles the ogre, coming in low as he grabs its leg and pushes. It knocks the half-ton ogre off balance. It scrambles for purchase and slips in the mud, falling down hard.
And he's laughing. He's laughing as he stabs into the ogre to steady himself as he climbs on top of it.
Yeah, Jack looks like he has it covered.
So Tav charges for the other ogre, gesturing frantically. Another arrow hits it in the stomach, burying deep in the massive fatty gut. It sees Tav and spins, swinging its club. They try to drop down and roll under the blow. All that does is send them rolling with the impact.
Tav slams into a wall, the wood breaking and stabbing their body. The stars in their eyes are all they focus on. More so than the taste of pain. Of several bones suddenly in the wrong location.
It's weird. The first moments of pain don't really hurt. It's more like your body is stunned and trying to take stock.
Their fingers work. As the throbbing ache of a broken body races up their spine, they make the right gesture and grab themselves.
"Sláinte."
It's itchy. It feels very itchy as the spell cures their wounds. Not all the way. But enough that they can let go of the breath they were—oh shit, ogre!
Tav scrambles on all fours right out of the ogre's way. Its club obliterates the wall behind them, sending that entire part of the house crumbling.
They go back to plan A and scramble to grab the ogre's stomach. "Créacht!"
The touch turns the arrow wound necrotic, spreading forth in black tendrils of diseased blood. The ogres stops. Groans. Holds his stomach. And lets out a burp that makes Tav's eyes water, at least until the stomach splits open, expelling rotting push and putrid flesh.
Okay, there it is. Tav gags, scrambling away again. Falling on their arse and just trying to roll away from the rotting meat.
And then it's quiet.
Tav sits up, looking around. Three dead ogres. And a lot of blood.
"Holy shit, Tav, you okay?" Molly calls down, sliding down the ruined wall to reach them.
"I had it covered," they say limply.
Molly grabs Tav and hauls them up. And starts to shake them, grinning like a loon. "Did you see that, though? Did ya? I was using this bow and it was all—wa-blam. And you were all holy light. And Eddie, even Eddie, she was like—boom, magic! And those were ogres. Ogres! And we killed them! Like, holy shit, that doesn't just happen. But we did it like pros."
Tav grabs Molly's hand and gently pushes her away. Eddie is carefully climbing a ladder down a ways. While Jack is just sitting there atop his kill, smiling dreamily at nothing at all. Oddly still. Not a twitch in sight.
Tav rubs their eyes. "Did I do good?"
She pats Tav's head. "You sure as well did, girlfriend! Or, uh, whatever gender applies to your disguise."
They smile. "Then I am useful, am I not?"
"Damn straight." She grimaces at the rotting ogre. "We, uh, we should go get Zevlor and, y'know. Yeah."
"I am surprised Eddie and you were able to work together as well as you did."
"Oh, her?" Molly waves her had. "Pfft. We saw things going sour and got worried. Well, I got worried. Eddie said something about 'natural selection,' but I think she gets separation anxiety or something because she followed me after I left to help. This bow really helps make killing stuff less personal. They never saw us coming."
"I do not get 'separation anxiety' like a common house-dog," Eddie says, adjusting her clothes. Like she can't quite wear them comfortably. "I followed Jack's signs. Once he made them, I doubted he had the wherewithal to walk it back. You're lucky we happened to be doing the same thing."
"Damn. Still a bitch even after that teamwork?"
Eddie adjusts her hair. "Let's just ensure the tieflings are okay. I'm getting a headache."
Tav can already see people up atop the barricades watching them. Some humans, mostly tieflings they remembered from earlier. They cause a commotion.
Molly whistles as they all come up to Jack. His head swivels towards her, as if his neck is limp. He's covered in so much blood. More than Tav, and they beat in an ogre's skull.
"You looked to be enjoying yourself, boy," Eddie says, holding her nose from the dead stench.
Jack looks at his hands and grunts in mild interest. With a hop, he slides off the ogres' utterly gored stomach and hits the dirt. He says nothing. Just leering at everyone, and Eddie in particular.
Eddie's arm crosses her chest warily. "Jack?"
His eyelids flutter. He takes a deep breath through his nose and shakes his hands out. "Sorry. Adrenaline crash. Thank you. For helping me out when I did those Molly-type hand signs. You're one hell of a mage, Edwina."
"Ah. Well. Yes." Eddie clears her throat. Adjusts her hair again. "You want something, right? You're acting like you want something."
He shakes his head. "No. Just grateful. Sorry that went so rough so quick, Tav. Appreciate you having my back. Molly, you too. The bow suits you. The way you kept popping up and blindsiding the ogres. They didn't know where to look. Probably the reason the rest of us were able to act as freely as we was."
"Fuck yeah I was!" Molly says, pumping her arm. "It was awesome. You shoulda seen me. Except you did, and so you know how awesome I was!"
"I appreciate that," Tav says. "Though I get the sense you are about to confess you are dying."
He blinks. "No? I just believe in giving credit where it's due. Recognizing that we actually can work well together. I respect that we held together through all that and this far."
"We're all together against our wills, Jack," Eddie says. "Now stop being sappy. You're making it weird."
"Yeah, well…" He shrugs. "Needs to be said. Can't never just assume you're appreciated. You gotta—"
"Molly!" a man calls out.
They all turn to see a red-skinned tiefling man leaping the barrier. His heavy armor rattles as he lands. It barely stops him from sprinting down the hill.
"That is Zevlor," Tav says helpfully. "He is kind. I am glad he yet lives."
"Molly!" Zevlor calls again.
Molly is standing frozen.
He grabs her into a hug and spins her around. "Gods, Molly! You're okay! What are you doing here? I should be mad but—you and your friends really did save us! I can't believe it."
She is still frozen in his arms.
"I found reinforcements, Zevlor," Tav says.
Eddie tilts her head. "That's Zevlor?"
He lets Molly go. She stumbles back stunned. "I, uh… Hi, um… Yeah, we did save you. Heard you needed help, so, like, I snuck out. And I brought friends. Like usual, y'know. No biggie. We fight well together. Y'know how it is, um."
Zevlor grins at everyone. "Well, then I have you to thank for saving us and for keeping my daughter safe."
Jack shakes his head, holding up a finger. "Wait, daughter?"
Molly wears the fakest grin Tab has ever seen. "Um, yeah. Team, party, posse, gang—this is Zevlor. My dad."
Footnote: Level up!
Eddie Odesseiron — Wizard (4)
Jack — Paladin (4)
Molly — Rogue (4)
Tav — Cleric (4)
New Feats Acquired!