(6) My Love, My Loss

Remus hurried to catch up to the other Prefects who were gathering in front of the Great Hall. He took his place next to Lily & for the next half hour, he temporarily forgot the situation he was in while he helped sort out the students & get them sent to the dorms in time for curfew. First Years especially still needed some extra help.

It was fine until Remus cast one last glance over the four groups as everyone had started separating to their respective leaders. He locked eyes with Snape who was standing at the bottom of the stairs as if he were about to continue on to the lower stairs leading to his Slytherin dorms.

They stared at each other. Snape just stood there, watching Remus. He didn't glare but his unblinking stare was unnerving, letting Remus know, he now knew what was going on in his little pack. Remus quickly looked away & forced himself to focus on the task at hand. Snape eventually moved to his own group as Gryffindor started upwards.

Remus barely took notice as his thoughts once more darkened. He slipped further behind, letting Lily lead the way, knowing Sirius was up there somewhere. He didn't really want to deal with Sirius on top of everything tonight.

It was the long hall this time that lead up to the portrait of the Fat Lady. Remus collided with two other Gryffindors at the back of the group as they all paused while Lily opened the portrait & led the way in. Now, they had to funnel into the smaller area to get into the dorms.

Remus ended up being last inside but before he could make it to the common room, Lily grabbed him & yanked him sideways into the room on the right hidden behind a tapestry. It was a small place, barely big enough for two people & Remus was now up close & personal with Lily, another thing that made him slightly uncomfortable. He never told anyone, but Lily had been another target of Moony a few years ago; although, he had fought hard & kept silent as James verbally called first dibs on the girl. Moony had only calmed down when someone else started showing up as a dog during the lunar shifts while Lily herself did not. Due to a technicality, Sirius was a better choice than Lily since he could actually be with Moony at all times, unlike her.

But it didn't erase some deeply buried feelings that still lingered for Remus. He darkly remembered that he never fully denied it when Sirius had recently teased him about maybe something going on with Lily & so of course, thoughts of Sirius were suddenly, annoyingly, back in his head.

"What are you doing?" Remus asked.

"I was about to ask you the same thing," said Lily. "Where were you, tonight?"

"Here," Remus stated the obvious.

"Ray, I had to do everything," Lily said. "You just followed along like a regular student & you've barely spoken two words. What happened? I heard you had a really bad moon last night."

"Yeah, I did."

"Peter said he helped fixed you up in the morning," Lily added.

"Yeah, he's learning to be a Healer," said Remus.

"Are you sure you're alright?" Lily tried one more time.

Remus nodded. "Just tired."

Lily put a hand on his shoulder for a moment. "You should have stayed in bed," she said before ducking under the tapestry.

Remus sighed & followed her out into the common room. He froze as he noticed Sirius just gathering his homework from the table by the window. As if he knew, Sirius suddenly stopped & looked up.

Their eyes met & Remus growled.

"Ray, what are you doing?" Lily turned sharply to him, about to put a hand over his mouth but his golden gaze made her take a few steps back. "Remus?!" Her eyes drifted sideways to see what he was looking at.

Sirius glanced at her before turning to walk away. He went down the three steps & into the guest dorms. Lily turned back to Remus but he had already started after Sirius. Out of nowhere, James & Peter both appeared & followed him.

Lily waited a moment before running up to the door. She attempted to put her ear to it but a vibration in the air told her they had blocked the door. She returned to the common room & sat down in front of the fire. She had a feeling something more than just a bad shift had happened last night. For starters, James had not even once looked at her or even noticed she was around at all, today. Both James & Peter had looked like they wanted to kill someone all day as well & no one had harassed Snape, either. She had witnessed the Black cousins separately walk right by Snape at different times in the afternoon. It was no surprise that Sirius would not attack Snape on his own. He usually waited for James. But James, on the other hand, would never hesitate to bully Snape whether Sirius was with him or not.

Until today.

Lily ran a hand through her dark red hair as she tried to make it make sense. Glancing at the armchair next to her, she stared for a moment as her brain tried to understand what her eyes were seeing. Parts of it were invisible. She reached out & felt slippery soft material. Pulling it over, she found that she had the Invisibility Cloak in her hands. She gasped. Of all things, James would never leave his prized possession behind. Something more than a bad moon rising had certainly happened.

Sirius closed his eyes as he heard the door slam. A moment later, the curtains around his new bed vanished & his three friends stood glaring at him.

"To ashamed to even look at me, now?" Remus was the first to speak.

Sirius opened his eyes & slowly looked up at him. "Ray ..." He looked sideways to his right where James was, his long antlers fully on display & ready to gouge someone to death. On his left was Peter, his teeth all longer & sharper from his rat partly showing through, & behind him was the wall. He was trapped & he knew damn well how dangerous the Marauders gang could be. He looked back at Remus. "I'm sorry."

"Do you even understand what that means, right now?" Remus seethed.

"Look, I know what I did was stupid," Sirius began.

"It was bloody bonkers!" Peter corrected.

"Clearly, I can't speak to any of you, right now," Sirius said. "Just get it done."

"Get what done?" James asked.

"You're here to beat me up for it," Sirius said.

"Oh, believe me, the thought has crossed my mind & worse!" Remus hissed, gripping the bar at the foot of the bed with his hands. Sirius noticed that even Remus had done a partial transformation & finally, he started to feel some fear. Remus usually didn't transform outside of full moons but now, his scruff was out on the back of his neck & his nails had become longer & dark like the claws of the wolf.

Sirius looked up at Remus again, a single tear slipping down his cheek. "You wish to kill me." It wasn't a question. He knew they were all mad at him & Remus suffered also from a different kind of madness.

"Part of me does," Remus admitted. "I think you know which part. However, since I don't feel like being put in Azkaban or put down, I'm holding Moony back for my own sake. Mine! Not yours. Just to be perfectly clear on that."

"I could do it for you," James said. "My parents are retired Aurors & I can get away with murder since they are constantly pampering me like a pet. No one will know."

"Thanks, Jim," Remus said. "But just hold on to that thought for a moment, ok?"

James shook his antlers in a display before letting out a soft whistle. "Sure, but just say the word & it's done." He put a hand on his heart where his Stag tattoo was currently standing.

Remus looked back at Sirius. "How could you do this to me? You told Snape ... of-of all people! No one should know, least of all him."

"I was angry—"

"You were drunk!" Remus slapped the bar so hard, it vibrated.

"I was also angry!" Sirius shot back. "He said ... stuff."

"Snape always says ... stuff," Remus said.

"About you!" Sirius exclaimed. "He was talking shit about you. He knew we were—he was threatening to go to my father about it."

"Oh, yeah & just giving him a werewolf puppy to hand over to your father seemed like a brilliant idea!" Remus snapped.

"NO!" Sirius yelled before adding in a whisper. "I wanted to kill him." He sighed before saying in a stronger voice. "I wanted to kill Snape but for some reason, I nearly used you as the weapon. But I had a moment of insanity & Snape would have died that night if it weren't for Jim. Either by you or by me. But I wanted him dead in the heat of the moment."

"So you decided to use me as your murder weapon," Remus muttered.

"That was the drunk part of it," Sirius said. "I should have just called up a knifeblade spell & stab him. I'd be in Azkaban right now instead of having to face all of you but it would have been worth it. My drunkenness & Jim's quick action is what saved Snape."

"What saved Remus, you mean," James said. "You know Remus would be dead by now had I not caught up to Snape? The Ministry would have put Remus down."

"Yes," Sirius ground out. "I wasn't thinking straight! I know! I'm sorry."

"Ah, we're back to him being sorry," Peter scowled, crossing his arms.

"It's going to take me a while to decide if I believe you or not," said Remus.

"Take your time," Sirius whispered.

"I don't need your permission!" Remus snarled. "Believe me, I will be taking a lot of time. For now," he stood straight & glanced at James first, then Peter. Both nodded silently, James's antlers clicking against the bed poles. Remus looked back at Sirius still lying on the bed. He hesitated a moment as Sirius just looked up at him with tears in his eyes. Remus stepped back. "You're out of the pack." Sirius closed his eyes as Remus added. "You're also out of the Marauders. I removed your code name from our map. You are no longer able to use it until further notice. James & Peter have agreed & they are no longer able to use your Marauder name either. Neither can I. James has helped me with a certain spell I didn't know about. Your Marauder name has been silenced in our vocabulary for the time being. The only thing you can do is turn into your dog form since we have no control over an individual's Animagic."

Sirius's pale eyes snapped up to stare at him. He tried a few times to say Padfoot but sure enough, the name was silenced! "Remus!" Sirius gasped. "How?"

"Never you mind," James answered instead. "Just remember that my parents are quite old. They know things & have taught me some as well."

Sirius wiped his eyes with one hand. He knew they'd probably kick him out of the pack, but to lose his code name as well? "Ray, please. At least let me keep—" Nope. He could not say it, no matter how hard he tried. "You really want to take everything away from me?"

"Now you know how it feels," Remus replied quietly. "I've lost my privacy. I've probably lost some amount of protection. I've lost my trust in certain people ... & I've lost a lover." He turned & walked away without bothering to notice Sirius's face when he had just broken up with him in front of all.

The door to the guest dorm closed with a resounding bang. Peter disappeared. James stooped down & picked up the large grey rat that had scampered across under the bed to his feet. He took a few steps towards the door before turning back to Sirius. James took a moment to enjoy the look of shock on Sirius's face before adding the final nail in his coffin. "By the way, don't bother coming over this summer. I'm heading to France later anyway to visit Remus." At that, he marched out, pulling his antlers in just as he opened the door to leave so he wouldn't get caught.

The door banged shut once more, leaving Sirius utterly alone. Sirius passed both hands through his long black hair. "Ohh God! What have I done?" he asked himself for the umpteenth time. Holding one hand out in front of him, he noticed he was still shaking. There had been a short moment where he thought they really were going to kill him, but that wasn't the part that bothered him much.

'I've lost a lover.' That line kept screaming in his head. Remus was gone! Completely. Truly. Gone! Being dumped had never hurt so much. Sirius was used to break ups all the time since he had been casual with the girls. It never meant anything.

But this? His very soul now ached as if a Dementor was trying to suck it out of him. Remus didn't just dump him. He had broken him. Shattered him!

Sirius buried his face into the pillow, sobbing hard. He had never cried over a 'lover' before. Girls came & went but Remus was supposed to be forever. Remus was not supposed to leave.

He didn't leave. Sirius punched his pillow, hating inner voices. Was this what it was like with Moony banging about in one's head? But no. The voice was right. Remus didn't leave. Sirius had driven him away. This whole mess was Sirius's fault & he damn well knew it. Worse, he knew he had deserved what they had done to him for it.

By the time it was late in the morning, Sirius still hadn't fallen asleep. He did change beds though, since the one he had been using had lost its curtains. He ensconced himself in the new bed, curtains drawn tight around him & lay awake, glaring at the ceiling.

James went up the few steps to the common room. He found Remus sitting on the long sofa by the fire. It was late now. Past midnight. Everyone had gone to bed except for the three remaining Marauders. Even the pictures were sleeping.

James moved forward & tipped his hand over the empty cushion next to Remus. Wormtail slipped out & Peter reappeared a moment later, plopping down on the couch. James moved to the armchair nearby. All three stared silently into the fire.

Mostly silent. Besides the crackle of flames, Remus tried hard not to let the others hear him cry but after a few sniffles were heard, James went to his knees on the floor in front of Remus. He pushed up his antlers, earning a small half laugh from the werewolf.

Hearing something, Remus glanced around. His sharp eyes took in the dim common room as he stared for a while. Seeing nothing, he chalked it up to being tired & upset. He put a hand out to pet the horns as James curled up on the floor by his feet, head on his lap. Remus could feel a mix of smooth keratin & velvet. "You shouldn't do this here. What if someone comes down?"

"Life's boring without some risks," said James before standing up & switching entirely to Prongs.

Remus stood up as well & began petting Prongs on the long neck, digging his hands into the thick dark curls. Being a red deer, Prongs was very similar to the Elk of America, only slightly smaller. Remus put his arms around Prongs. "That's what Sirius usually says."

Prongs sighed long & low, like a bellows moving up & down. James reappeared, keeping his antlers out, holding Remus in his arms. "Right. Sorry my stupid cousin is such an idiot."

Remus leaned into James's embrace. "Was taking his code name away too much?"

"It's your idea," said James. "Besides, it doesn't matter. We can reverse the spell at any time. Up to you."

"I suppose," Remus sighed.

There was an audible little shriek & Remus released James & spun around. He sniffed the air before taking a few calculated steps forward, as if he was stalking something. Suddenly, he leapt forward. There was a horrendous thud & a loud long yell that was cut off as Remus slammed his hand down. He glared under him, fangs bared, one hand pressed down on some muffled squealing thing.

"Who are you?" Remus demanded, his voice altered & eyes shining gold.

James trotted over as Peter went to Remus's head. Peter put his hands out to feel something. He pulled down the edge of the cloak to reveal the top half of Lily's head, her green eyes terrified as she stared up at Remus still baring his fangs at her.

James stared for a long moment. "Evans?" He looked down at her, glaring at her for the first time in his life. "How bloody DARE you steal my cloak! What is wrong with you?!"

"Your cloak is the least of your problems," Remus looked up at him. "She saw Prongs. She probably also saw Wormtal since you carried him in here."

"She—oh!" James's eyes went wide. "Oh! OH NO!"

The three men exchanged looks. They seemed to have forgotten the squirming terrified damsel in distress still pinned under Remus. Anyone walking in on them would have instantly thought they were seeing something horrible taking place, but the three men were oblivious to their positions over the young lady as they were still deciding on how to broach the subject of illegal Animagic to Lily Evans.

"Um," James finally knelt down & looked at Lily. "Calm down. He won't hurt you." Lily just stared at him. "Uh ... we need to talk. I think." Lily snarled, shaking her body under Remus still pinning her to the floor. "Ray, let her up." Remus grunted but finally moved to Lily's side.

Lily sat up, the Death Cloak slipping off to reveal her V-line night dress. "What's happening?" she gasped in a subdued whisper.

James glanced down for a moment, noticing her soft skin at the tops of her breasts. He let out a soft breath before saying, "So, uh, about ... Prongs."

"Prongs?" Lily stared at his antlers before her eyes drifted over to Remus who was still watching her every move.

"My Stag," James said. "That's his name. Wormtail is Peter's Rat. We don't speak about Sirius's black Dog right now. But ... well, I guess you saw the Stag here tonight, didn't you?"

"I saw," Lily gasped, her voice still weak with shock. "You're an Animagus?"

"You know what Remus is," James said, sending her a hard look.

Lily nodded slowly. "A werewolf puppy. I thought ... I thought you were going to bite me."

"I was in total control," said Remus. "You were in no real danger. But this issue with the Animagic. It's for me. Only me. No one knows."

Realization dawned on Lily's face. Her head whipped back to James on her other side. "You're ILLEGAL? NOT REGISTERED?"

"Precisely," James said, hands on hips. "So please don't say anything about it!"

"I won't."

Remus leaned close to Peter. "First conversation they have when they aren't screaming at each other in anger."

"SHUT UP!" James & Lily both ordered.

"Wow! They're agreeing on top of it all," Remus went on with a smirk James wanted to hex off his face. "This is getting sca—alright! I'm shutting up!" He turned away to laugh as James had shaken his head to swing his horns about & taken a threatening step towards him.

James looked back at Lily. "Honestly, why do I have a werewolf for a pet, again?"

"Not a pet," Remus grumbled as he got up & went back to his seat near the fire.

"Yes you are & a very high maintenance one at that!"

"I'M high maintenance?" Remus scoffed. "Speak for yourself Messr 'Oh, I can't right now, I gotta go chew cud' or 'Oh, maybe later. My horns itch & I need to knock off the velvet for the next three million hours.' You're the high maintenance one around here, you walking tick post."

"Prongs is a very healthy Stag!" James exclaimed incredulously. "I don't have ticks!"

"That's because you are high maintenance in his care," Remus said with a smug look.

James glanced at Lily. "I hate werewolves."

"I rather like them," Lily said as she stood up & stumbled backwards into the nearest armchair. James rolled his eyes as he picked up his cloak, pulling in his antlers before moving to the chair opposite her. Lily kept her eyes on his head as if she was expecting to see the antlers spring forth again. "How long have you been doing that?"

"Since the end of fourth year," said James.

"That's quite amazing," Lily said quietly. "It's also bloody dangerous!"

"We know," James said. "Remus yelled at us at first when he first found out, but we had already completed all the ritualistic stuff."

"I tried," Remus said. "But I'm glad for the company during my lunar shifts. It really helps me."

"Does your father know?" Lily asked.

"No," Remus shook his head. "Just you, Sirius, James & Peter. No one else. It's extra hard having to sneak around with Papa here. I'm just glad we only have a few days left." He paused before adding, "I can't stand having Papa as a Professor," he laughed.

"Really? I thought he's an excellent teacher," said Lily.

"Oh, he is," said Remus. "But he's also my father. It's annoying like that, having him constantly around under foot." Professor Lupin was fine & knew his stuff concerning the paranormal. It was Sirius no one wanted to have around, but even mentioning the name brought up some angry feelings.

"I suppose so," Lily managed a small smile. She hesitated before asking, "What's up with Sirius?"

Remus turned away to stare into the dying flames. Peter put a hand on Remus's shoulder. "Don't worry about it, Lily," Peter began. "Sirius did something to Remus. They need to sort it out."

"Did something?" Lily raised a brow. "He didn't ... try to coerce you or anything, did he?"

"Oh no, nothing like that!" Peter answered quickly. "He just said something & it really affected Moony."

"I see," Lily sighed. "Well, hopefully he can fix it. If you need to talk about it, Remus, feel free to come talk to me."

"Thanks," Remus said as he stretched out long before yawning. "Well, I think we all ought to go to bed. It's getting late. Lily, please don't say anything about Animagic. I know you hate Jim, but ..."

"I do hate him," Lily said. "He's an idiot."

"I'm right here," James complained.

"He is," Remus agreed.

"Still here," James muttered but was ignored.

"But I don't want him in Azkaban either," Lily went on. "If any of your friends get caught, they end up in Azkaban for a whole year for their illegal use of Animagic. I wouldn't want that for anyone."

"At least some part of you cares," James teased.

Lily rolled her eyes as she got up & headed for the stairway leading to the girls' dorms. "You really are an utter toerag, James Potter."

"You're going to love me for it, some day," James shot back with a stupid grin.

"You wish," Lily muttered before disappearing upstairs.

"Really, Hornhead?" Remus stared at James. "You're so full of yourself."

"Thank you, Remus!" Lily had poked her head over the railing at the top of the stairs. "He sure is, isn't he?"

"Why do you hate me so much?" James asked.

"As I've already told you, you're not worth it," Lily replied.

"But I thought we promised not to fight with each other any more?" James reminded her.

"Yeah, no more fighting," said Lily. "Doesn't mean I automatically like you. It just means I'm not going to bother with you at all, now."

"Fine. Good night!" James smiled sweetly.

"Good riddance!" Lily returned in an equally sickly sweet voice before disappearing into her dorm room.

Remus & Peter could barely stumble up the stairs from laughing so much.