All across the Boiling Isles, crystal balls and scrolls flared to life, showing only static for a moment before shifting to display the Emperor's seal and the emergency broadcast title. This was a process used only in the most urgent of times, something to command attention because Emperor Belos had something everyone needed to hear without delay.
It was also a process surprisingly easy to hijack when a group of rebels included the Isles' preeminent troublemaking bad girl, several ex-coven scouts, a surprising number of past and present coven heads, and an agent of chaos whose dad was a major news reporter. But most people didn't know that.
They just knew what they were seeing as the emergency message dissipated to reveal a familiar masked face. Not that of Emperor Belos, but the owl-like façade of the Golden Guard, head of the Emperor's Coven and his right-hand man. He cut an imposing figure with his mask and robe, a single light from above illuminating him and the almost throne-like wooden chair he sat in.
"Hello, everyone. I'm the Golden Guard, and I have an important announcement to make."
The Golden Guard interlaced his fingers and leaned forward, all of the Isles waiting with baited breath to hear what he had to say that was so important. The wait before he spoke was perfectly timed for maximum impact by a countdown off-camera, bringing the audience to peak anticipation without letting them backslide into boredom before he broke the silence.
"Emperor Belos gets no pussy."
The Isles went dead silent in shock. The Golden Guard's status and prestige were well known. His recent defection was not.
A thumbs up from the human manning the camera and he continued. "Seriously, he gets no pussy, no ass, motherfucker's been alive for centuries and hasn't gotten laid in any of them. His dick's dryer than the Scarehara, and probably just as dusty, hasn't busted a nut since before the Deadwardian era."
The image shook as the camera woman audibly stifled a snort of laughter, which only egged him on. "And I mean, that would fit the rest of him. You all saw him on Coven Day. Motherfucker's got skin so ashy it looks like he uses cremated horses as concealer and hair so greasy he could use it as a rag to clean up eye-live oil and it would be an improvement. And you'd think he could at least keep his hair nice."
The Golden Guard leaned closer to the camera, putting one hand up beside where his mouth would be to deliver a stage whisper. "Because spoiler alert, the Emperor's a bottle blonde. Could have just stayed a brunette but I guess he looks up to his brother so much he wanted to try and copy him. And clearly the hairstyle was the only way to do it, because… well, I'll let my co-host pick this part up."
The camera zoomed out and panned to the side as a new light illuminated a second chair beside the Golden Guard's. The woman sitting there was just as recognizable as he was, the ex-head of the Emperor's Coven. Her defection was well known by now, though her one discolored eye was the only visible difference between her now and her as she appeared in countless pieces of propaganda as the Emperor's right hand, her old dress broken out just for this occasion.
"People of the Isles, I am Lilith Clawthorne." She began, poise and tone impeccable and regal. "I would like to begin by pointing out that I am aromantic and asexual. I do not, as my compatriot would say, 'get ass' nor do I want to. It is perfectly alright not to want sex, and if you do want sex, it is alright not to get it. Different people have different experiences and if you have less sexual experience than you'd like, or even if you're a virgin, no one should judge you for it and there should be no shame in it."
She gave a slight smile at the camera, a picture perfect understanding role model, and across the Isles dozens of citizens felt seen and understood, and even more mentally acknowledged her as a spiritual older sister or maternal figure.
It didn't last for long as the Golden Guard spoke up. "Unless you're the Emperor."
In an instant the understanding smile was gone as Lilith shrieked, "Unless you're the Titan-damned Emperor!"
Off-screen, the voice of the Owl lady, the Boiling Isles' most infamous criminal, could distantly be heard shouting, "Roast his ass, Lilly!"
Lilith yanked out a family tree from behind her chair and leaned forward, pointing up near the top. "I'm the Emperor's former right hand and a current historian, I know my family trees, and I know for a fact that Emperor Belos had a brother who fucked."
"Fucked the way you only get with super repressed religious people." The Golden Guard agreed conversationally. "So you know he was getting kinky."
"Fucked so hard and wild," Lilith continued, "It gave Belos a complex."
"Man was raking in mad witch pussy."
"So clearly Belos couldn't follow in his footsteps."
"Naturally. He has the raw sexual charisma of a week-old slitherbeast carcass that died a virgin."
"So what's a ragged old man to do when he can't get laid?" Lilith made a show of stroking her chin in thought, and the Golden Guard across from her did the same, before he spoke up to answer her question.
"You know… I think he'd have a midlife crisis."
"A midlife crisis!" Lilith cried, pointing to him. "Gotta do something to fill that void in your life when you aren't filling anyone else."
"You just gotta." The Golden Guard agreed. "Like buying a shiny new palisman, or fancy clothes, or conquering the entire Boiling Isles."
"Now you may be wondering, if Belos installed himself as emperor out of pure pent up lack of pussy, wouldn't there be signs?" Lilith said. "Like, say, an abundance of phallic symbolism?"
She and the Golden Guard stared into the camera in silence as the illusionist in their camera crew did his thing, creating a large illusion behind them that he changed every few seconds. The Conformatorium. Belos's very tall chair. The Emperor's castle.
"Yes." Lilith said bluntly.
"That one even has veins on it!" The Golden Guard said helpfully, pointing to the tower atop the castle.
"He's compensating hard." Lilith said. "Because he can't get hard, probably. Or maybe he just has a small dick. Who can say?"
"Literally no one." The Golden Guard cackled. "Half the island simps for him and he still can't pull bitches."
"And let us remind you, we were heads of the Emperor's Coven." Lilith said. "We worked with him more closely than anyone else on the Boiling Isles, we know what we're talking about. And if even an aro/ace person can look at you and know it's pathetic how little pussy you get, you know you fucked up. I never get laid, and he looked at me, said 'watch this,' and then somehow got laid even less."
"And on the other side, there's me." The Golden Guard said, putting a hand on his chest in the smuggest gesture he could manage with his face behind a mask. "I do get laid, a lot. In fact, I'm getting laid after this broadcast is done. …Wait, what?"
He looked at the crew in confusion, but the only answer he got was a wink and finger guns from the plant witch holding the cue cards for him. Suddenly he was glad for the mask to hide his blush as he cleared his throat and tried to pick up where he left off.
"S-so I can say with absolute certainty his game is the worst I've ever seen. He doesn't even know how to flirt and he'd throw out both hips, his back, and really just his entire person if he tried from the sheer effort at trying to only be the second worst person in the world at getting pussy."
"He can't even claim it's the Titan's will for him to not get laid." Lilith pitched in. "Because despite being fucking dead, we know the Titan fucked. Yes this is how I'm choosing to reveal my archeological findings, eat shit D'splora, the Titan had kids!"
"So if the bones we all live on boned in life, what's your excuse, Belos?" The Golden Guard sat back smugly. "In conclusion, Emperor Belos is really just a bunch of mud piled into some fancy clothes."
"Mud that learned to talk with his mouth because he's so full of crap that his ass just wasn't able to get it out of him by itself."
"Kept his face hidden for so long because the squonks kept thanking him for showing them they aren't the ugliest thing in the world."
"He's what you get if a carpet fucks an insurance salesman."
"Or if hepatormentis was a person."
"Has a heart full of spiders and gorelic in his soul."
"A sack of a man."
"Just a pile of ropes on a trash heap."
"A low-down, double-dealing, backstabbing, impotent, bitchless worm."
"And in conclusion, we will remind you he gets no pussy." Lilith finished it off. "We hope you all have found this PSA helpful."
"Have a good night everyone, and remember that Belos's mask is yellow because of all the piss!" The Golden Guard said with a wave. A moment passed in silence before he looked away from the camera to the crew. "You didn't mean like right after-"
The broadcast cut out with a pleasant jingle and the image of the Emperor's Coven sigil before fading away entirely.
AN: Well it's Halloween, so seeing as this is the anniversary of the events of Thanks to Them, it seemed fitting to do something for The Owl House. Also this is my first non-MHA fic, so I guess I'm branching out.
It's been... way too long since I posted something, so hammering out a borderline crack piece was a fun way to shake off some of the rust.