Earthshine

Chapter XXVII

"Strange New World"

…

Picture yourself in a room full of broken glass. Blood on the pieces, the pieces you can't put back. A little white light in a sea gone black…You can't change me, can you save me? Oh, clean eyes. -SYML

…

[Edward]

There was significant turbulence on the plane as it neared San Antonio. Violent streaks of lightning split the sky and, when we landed, the rain pounded in a torrent against the windows.

A bad omen, perhaps?

I was unsteady on my feet as I rose, and I barely had to try to keep my pace slow. My steps felt heavy. They felt outside of myself.

I numbly bought a jacket and slipped it on before heading into the downpour. I pulled the hood on over my hair and lowered my head, watching my heavy feet as they dragged me through the city.

The people I walked past gave me nervous looks, steering clear of me and instinctively giving me as much space as possible.

What's up with him?

Just another addict, I'd bet.

Getting a pretty bad feeling about him. Can't be too careful, right?

I was sure I looked as wretched as I felt. My eyes were black and stricken, my face pale as a ghost.

I stumbled then ducked under a store awning, the neon sign flashing blue against my skin. I clenched a hand and gritted my teeth, feeling another strong pull to make a mad dash to the airport and just forget this whole thing.

But you're already here, I told myself. Just keeping going. One foot in front of the other. The voice in my head, though, didn't sound so much like my own as it did like Vitalia's. I was imagining her now. Imagining her urging me to come to her.

There were a few homeless people and drug addicts in the alley near me and one of them even managed to give me a sympathetic look. They could sense my misery.

I sighed then forced myself to continue, moving down the street again. It felt so far. It hadn't felt this far the first time I'd gone to the Santi ranch.

I turned a corner then saw an old, beaten down Chevrolet parked outside a liquor store. A middle-aged man sat on the curb with a bottle of vodka, the alcohol strong on his breath as it wafted toward me.

What's he lookin' at? He was thinking when he blearily looked at me. Don't ask for any of this, 'cause I'm not offering.

I glanced at the car then reached into my pocket, threw down a couple grand of hundred dollar bills, then climbed into the driver's seat.

It was more than the car was even worth and the man reached down then looked at me with wide eyes. He said nothing, thought nothing, as I pulled away and drove down the street.

I was drawing too much attention walking around the way I was. I was frightening people. I didn't want the situation to escalate. I couldn't handle any interference or I'd lose my nerve.

The windshield wipers slashed at the rain and the oncoming headlights were like a kaleidoscope against the water.

My face twisted in pain and I gripped the steering wheel tightly, nearly breaking it.

My senses felt murky…incohesive. I could barely grasp anything I was seeing, anything I was hearing. Absently, I did notice some leftover St. Patrick's Day decorations over some of the shops. They looked grim in the rain — the haunting echo of a celebration now past.

I thought of the great emptiness in the world now. I felt the absence of Bella. She was just… gone. Wiped off the face of the earth. From existence. There was nowhere to imagine her now…no hope that she would thrive. No hope that she would have a happy, fulfilling life. Her life was over before it'd even begun.

And I would never see her again, because…were my immortal life to end, I would not be joining her in paradise. There was no place where we belonged together, not even the afterlife.

My very last vision of her, for all time, would be the sight of her heartbreak. Of her distrust in my love. Of her brokenness…

I released a shuddering breath and excelerated, speeding down the rain-soaked highway. The rain was letting up, but the evening sky was still dark and gloomy.

I left the city behind me and made my way down the winding turns of the rural roads. I was getting closer now and I hardly even knew what I would actually say when I saw Vitalia.

What if she wasn't home? I'll head to Italy, I told myself, knowing I'd be unable to just linger around and wait.

It was so fragile, my will to survive, that the slightest distrubance would demolish it.

As I neared the ranch entrance, I pulled over and parked the car on the side of the road. I stared at the faint drops of rain that lingered, recalling that Jasper had mentioned Texas' thunderstorms were typically intense and brief.

I stepped out of the car and noted that the storm had left a lingering chill in the air. A heavy wind tugged at me as I slowly made my way over the fence and onto the property.

The blades of grass swayed in a hypnotic motion, pulling me onward. The earth beneath my shoes was soggy from the downpour and my feet sank into its depth. My shoes and the bottoms of my jeans were quickly covered in a thick layer of mud.

The lights were on in the house below the hill. They were warm, spreading out into the darkness, beckoning me toward it.

The smell of barbecue hung heavy in the air, along with the signature scent of livestock and hay.

I could hear the murmer of voices from inside, both spoken and thought. I was still too dazed to make much sense of them though. I still couldn't focus.

But then, as I sloshed my way across the field, the sound of Vitalia's familiar thoughts clearly penetrated my mind.

Dorian's such a scaredy horse. So afraid of a little storm. Her thoughts were every bit as playful as I remembered.

My black gaze swept over the field until I saw the girl sitting just where the incline dipped toward the house. She was sitting on her rain coat, rubber boots tapping over the boggy soil below, as she held a neon umbrella over her head. Her eyes were on the gray horse huddled close to the barn.

In her memory, she was thinking of how, just minutes ago, she'd released all the horses back into the pasture after the storm cleared and how hers had chosen to stay as close to the barn as possible.

I heard her chuckle to herself and my steps faltered to a sudden stop. I inhaled a deep, excruciating breath, and looked down at my feet.

It was like looking directly at the sun, how bright and blinding it was. It stabbed at me. It pierced me harshly.

I can't do this to her. I can't bring her down with this. I shouldn't be here…

Absently, I noted how the horses started to scatter, rushing to the tree line at the furthest corner of the property.

Huh. Now something has them all spooked. Vitalia thought, gazing around herself curiously.

I swallowed, face twisting with regret, before I turned to leave.

"Hey, you!"

It took me a moment to realize that Vitalia had spoken out loud. I paused, back still turned to her. I looked through her eyes and saw that she'd noticed me here. She was watching me expectantly.

I clenched a fist. It would be easy to continue walking away from her. To disappear as if she'd never even seen me here. But at the sound of her voice…a subtle urge again found me — the urge to see if she could possibly keep me here on the edge. It was the most I dared hope for. Just a hand to keep me from falling over into oblivion…

I hung my head then slowly turned around, holding my gaze low for a long moment before slowly lifting it.

Her blue eyes widened with surprise. Wait a minute…that's- She cut herself off with a little smile. What's he doing here?!

"Eddy?" She spoke.

I stepped forward, barely able to move, but I forced myself to approach her. I felt disoriented and clumsy, feeling I might collapse any second under the weight of what I was carrying.

"Vitalia…" I breathed, my voice sounding broken and raw. It sounded as shattered and desperate as I felt.

Her smile slowly faded and her eyes filled with concern. "What's wrong? Are you alright?"

I reached her then allowed for the collapse as my knees gave way beneath me. I knelt there in the muck beside her. "I can't-" I struggled to speak and I closed my eyes. "…I'm so sorry for coming here. I'm-"

Without allowing me to continue, she reached out and wrapped her arms securely around my neck, pulling me close. She held me tight. "What is it?"

He's kinda scaring me. Something's very wrong.

I clung to her and allowed her embrace to hold the fractured pieces of me together.

I wonder what this is about? He wouldn't just come here without a reason. He's so much worse than I've ever seen him. Did something happen to one of his siblings? How did he even find me? Her mind was a constant chatter, but I was grateful for it. It was drowning out my own, much darker thoughts.

I wasn't sure how long I stayed there like that in her arms. I stayed as long as it took for me to feel that I wouldn't break as soon as I moved away from her.

When I did pull away, her eyes never left me. I stared hard at the ground and ran a hand through my damp hair. "…she's gone. Bella, she…" I exhaled painfully. "She's gone."

"Gone? Like-" her voice sounded alarmed and I answered her with a helpless nod.

" What?" She asked, voice low and grave. "What happened?"

I can't believe that…that's so crazy. Doesn't even seam real. That's terrible for him. I can't even imagine what he's feeling.

"She…jumped. off a cliff." My voice sounded hollow now. Removed. It was the only way I could speak the words. I didn't look at Vitalia. I didn't want to see the way she might look at me once she heard this. "And it's-" I clenched my hand into a fist. "It's all my fault. I should never have left her. I drove her to this. Alice tried to warn me and I didn't listen. I killed her. I killed her and now she's gone forever…"

"Eddy…" Vitalia started before stopping herself.

What can I say? What can I do? He's in so much pain. And Bella…I never would've thought she'd take her own life. There's no way he could've known that. He was trying to do the right thing. He can't blame himself for this.

I felt her hand over mine then and my eyes shifted before I slowly, hesitantly, lifted them to hers. Her eyes were filled with so much compassion. So much grief for me and for Bella.

"I know you heard what I was just thinking, so I won't repeat it." She told me, tightening her hand. "You aren't ready to hear that, I think, but it's the truth. What do you need from me?"

I stared down at her silently, in awe again of her acceptance. Her support. What did I need?

Just to be here. I needed her presence. I needed her light.

I inhaled a deep breath and let myself continue to lose myself within the waves of her eyes. They washed over me, washed over the pain, impossibly taking some of the sting with them. I found myself able to think a little more clearly.

She blinked suddenly though and tilted her head as a streak of confusion pentrated the compassion.

Your eyes…why are they so dark? They aren't that unique gold anymore. They almost look black. I thought his natural color was green? Can't really ask about that right now, but that's really weird.

I immediately looked away, worried that my black gaze would frighten her. I couldn't offer her an explanation and I wished I'd been in a better state of mind so that I could have anticipated this. Coming here had been so impulsive, so reckless! It reminded me that staying around here would be more complicated than I realized. I couldn't even step outside most days.

I knew that it would be better if I left. If I left and continued on to Volterra, where I could join my beloved in death.

"You don't have to look away," Vitalia told me. "Really. We can talk about that some other time. Right now, what's important is getting you through this. None of the rest matters until then, okay?"

I swallowed and looked up at the overcast sky, feeling the last drops of rain fall against my marble, lifeless skin.

"I shouldn't have come here. I probably won't stay long, but I …" I blinked then forced myself to look over at her again. "I suddenly felt that I had to see you before I-"

"Before you what?" Her brows creased and I heard her heart accelerate as she waited for me to elaborate.

I shook my head and my voice lowered to a whisper, expression shifting to regret for how my words might pain her. "I can't live without her, Vi. I was on my way to end it, in the only way I knew how, before I got this wild urge to come to you instead. But I can't possibly stay and the moment I'm away from you…I won't be able to keep going like this. It wouldn't be right to put this on you. I can't expect that from you."

Her eyes widened with alarm. "You're planning to take your life too?"

"…I have to."

I knew something was wrong, she thought with a shake of her head.

"I get it, Edward. I do." Her mind was filled with all of her darkest moments. How lonely she had felt. How used and isolated. And all the self-blame and guilt which had suffocated her too.

As always, seeing the contrast of her during those moments and comparing it to the person she was now…it was extraordinary. It was incredible that she had managed it. But she and I were different. I didn't even know if I could come back. It was so very difficult for my kind to change.

And yet…Maria had managed it, hadn't she? Had it been equally painful for her? Could it be possible?

But I still can't ask this of Vitalia.

"I pulled through this because I had support. I let people in. I let them guide me back. I can do that for you, Eddy. I want to try at least. If what you need is to be here, with me, then stay. I want you to live. I want you to find something to hold onto again. I'm here for you. If, at any point, it seems like I can't handle it, you can always leave, but don't give up until you've tried. Please?"

She always took what I said in stride. She never tried to change or argue it all away. But could I really ask this of her?

"There's complications," I told her. "Because of what I am."

I knew that as soon as I revealed that I couldn't come out during the day, she, and her family, would know what I was. I doubted they'd be alright with me staying around after knowing that. I was sure they would despise me. Even if Vitalia didn't, her family surely would.

"I'm sure we can work around it."

"No, you don't understand, I-" I exhaled and looked away from her, questioning myself a moment, before ultimately deciding that I had nothing to lose. My will was weak. It slipped through my grasp like air. I had no strength left in me to do what was right. Besides, I felt I needed to be transparent with her. She needed to know exactly what she was inviting to stay.

"I'm not human," I told her. "I'm…a creature of darkness. If I'm going to stay here, I can't ever come out during the day. I'd have to stay out of the sun. And my eyes, they look like this because I…" I grimaced. "Because I haven't fed in so long."

She slowly withdrew her hand and sat back. I dared not look at her, but her mind was confused again.

"What are you saying?" Her heart stuttered. "That you-"

There it was. Her fear of me. Her horror. This was it. This was the last of my unforgivable sins.

She deserved to see me, so I told my eyes to move and they beheld her. Her stare was wide in astonishment.

In her mind, she was running through what her dad had told her again.

They're blood suckers. Like vampires, I guess. Can't come out in the sun. Their cold skin is like a corpse, because they have no pulse. They're soulless, merciless killers.

"But…you came out during the day all the time in Forks."

"There are hardly any sunny days in that place. That's the reason my family chose it."

"…your whole family." Of course it would mean they're all the same. But their eyes… "And your eyes? Shouldn't they be red?"

"They're only red if we drink the blood of humans. Otherwise, they're much lighter."

Her brows shot up. She was shocked that I had been so blunt in my response. She took a moment then shook her head before suddenly moving her hand toward me and placing it firmly over my chest, feeling there for where my pulse should beat.

I stared down at her sadly, watching as her expression of disbelief shifted into one that was more certain. I saw the realization and the implications take root in her eyes.

"Your father is right about us too. We are soulless corpses." Her eyes flashed up to mine at that and she ran those words in her head over and over again before she willed them away.

Her eyes unexpectedly softened and she gave me a small, encouraging smile.

No…no, I can't agree with that. Eddy isn't soulless. The rest of his family isn't either. My dad's got something about this wrong. It explains so much though. Why he thought he was so dangerous for Bella. Why his skin feels the way it does. Why they all look the way they do.

"I don't know much about what you are," she started. "But I'd like to think that I do know you. As a person. And Eddy? I think you've got it wrong. You've got to have a soul. I don't think that creatures without souls are capable of making good and evil choices, but it sounds like all of you are. But more than that, you've just got so much life in your eyes! So much depth and wonder and mystery."

She reached up and held a hand to my face, smile widening. "You remember what you did for my dad? You saved him! You did something good. You did something human. Actions speak louder than words, and your actions have spoken to me loud and clear. You're my friend, Eddy, you'll always be my friend, and I'm not letting you go anywhere. Not like this."

Her eyes were so intense. So overwhelmingly strong and certain. They were more or less the same words which so many others had spoken to me, yet hearing them from her…I found myself incapable of arguing. Maybe I was just too tired to argue, too worn down from thr loss and guilt.

I sighed. "I don't know if I can ever fully believe that, but…" I tried to smile and failed as I looked down at her in defeat. "…I can try and give this a shot, if you're really alright with having me here."

"I am. You can stay as long as you need to. I'll talk to my parents, get them on board." She nodded. "And we'll figure out some way to…keep what you are under wraps for awhile. I don't know if my dad would be ready to know about it."

"…sure. Alright."

She gave me a smile then stood and grabbed her umbrella before offering me a hand. "Come on now. Let me show you a place where you can sleep."

I opened my mouth to turn down her offer, to explain that I didn't actually sleep, but I figured she'd gotten more than enough information for one evening. I reached up and grasped her hand, feeling strange and foreign as I moved with her back to the house.

I was branching out into this new world that didn't make sense to me — a world without Bella — and nothing about it felt natural.

Vitalia didn't let go of my hand and I heard from her mind that she was a little afraid to. She was expecting me to take off and continue my original plan. She was right to be anxious about that, of course. In all likelihood, I would do just that.

She led me to a small cabin behind the house, down a little stone walkway. She stepped onto the worn, wooden porch, then opened the door with a squeak.

I stepped in behind her and gazed around the single living space. It was sparse and modest with only a single window which overlooked the barn. A twin bed sat beneath it and the only other pieces of furniture were a chair and writing desk, a dresser, and a wood stove. A small stack of books were nestled under the bed and, in the far corner, was a tiny bathroom.

"It's a small space, but it's all yours if you want it." Vitalia put both hands in her back pockets and glanced around. "No TV or anything, but you can always come up to the house if you're wanting to watch something."

"It's fine," I told her in a soft, tired voice.

She nodded and gave me a little smile, holding my eyes a long moment. "I'll let you get settled in while I go talk to my parents. You going to be okay on your own for a bit?"

I don't want to leave him. What if he takes off? Her eyes turned concerned and I sighed before making my way to the bed.

"I'll be here," I told her. It was a promise as much for her as it was for me. I needed the incentive to keep me rooted to this spot.

"…alright." She gave me a final, uncertain look, before turning and walking out the door. I watched it close behind her then slowly leaned back and rested my head on the wall.

I closed my eyes and put myself in her mind, watching as she walked into her house and called for her parents.

They were huddled together on a leather sofa in the living room. There were candles lit on the fireplace mantle and Eden had her hands wrapped around a mug of tea.

"You let those horses back out in the pasture?" Diego asked when he noticed Vitalia.

Absently, I noticed that his leg seemed all healed up. It was nice to see.

"…yeah. I did." Oh man, how to tell them? I hope they understand. Vitalia moved around the couch then plopped down beside them, resting her polka dot socks on the coffee table and fiddling with a loose string on her jacket. She took a deep breath. Gotta just go for it. Take the plunge. "And while I was out there, I ran into someone. It was, like, the very last person I expected to see out here." She met the curious stares of her mother and father. "It was Eddy."

"Edward?" Diego's brows shot up. "Really?"

"Where is he now?" Eden asked, wrapping an arm around Vitalia. She looks worried for some reason.

"In the bunk house," she told them. "He's…going through something pretty rough. I told him he could stay as long as he needs because he seemed like he really needed a friend to help him through this."

"Where's his family?" Her dad asked.

Vitalia shrugged. "I'm not sure. He didn't say."

"And his girlfriend? Bella?" Eden's brows drew together.

"…something horrible happened to her." Vitalia's voice shook. "That's what this whole thing is about."

Eden brought a hand over her chest, face shifting into empathy. That poor boy.

Diego clicked his tongue and shook his head, eyes falling to the glass of whiskey in his hand. "I'm sorry to hear that." His mind turned to his brother and the ache he'd felt when he'd lost him.

"Do you two mind if he hangs around for a little while? I don't think it's good for him to be alone."

"Of course not," Eden gave Vitalia'a shoulders a squeeze.

"Yeah, I kinda owe the kid, so no biggie." Diego nodded in agreement. "Does he need anything? We have leftover chili."

"I can ask, but I think he wants to rest for now."

"Gotcha. Well, feel free to bring something out to him."

Vitalia smiled. "Thanks."

She sat with them another moment, mind running over the things I'd told her. So…he's a vampire, I guess? I guess I sort of knew all along. That first handshake and how cold his skin was. Didn't know they were mind readers though…does his while family do that? There's so many questions I want to ask, but I guess I need to wait. Doubt he'd be up for all that right now. When he's feeling a little better maybe.

It had shocked me that Bella had so easily accepted what I was, being unnaturally calm about the entire thing. Vitalia's acceptance didn't shock me as much because I knew the way her mind worked. I had been afraid that she might want me gone when she found out, just because of her family's unique history with vampires, but as soon as she explained why it didn't change how she felt, I knew my worrying was uncalled for. Her natural inclination was to think the best, foolish as that sometimes was.

But now that she knew the truth…it was another incentive to avoid the Volturi. Aro's ability allowed him to see every memory a person had ever had. He would be able to see what I had told her. In approaching them and asking them for death…it was possible I'd be taking Vitalia down with me.

I hadn't been considering that at the time, but now I wondered if, perhaps, I'd subconsciously given myself a reason to stay alive.

My head fell into my hands. Why had I told her? Why had I done this to myself? I'd eliminated the only source of escape I had. I suddenly felt trapped in this. Trapped in this dark new world.

Maybe another vampire would do it. Maria, perhaps. If I decided I couldn't bear the way things were any longer. Surely I could find someone…

Should I go ahead and bring something out to him? Vitalia was thinking as she opened the fridge and grabbed a couple bottles of water. She stood there a minute before grabbing some of the chili too. He can eat this stuff, right? I've seen him drink mom's tea so many times.

I sighed as she heated a bowl in the microwave. She made her way back outside then tapped the door with her boot.

I slowly rose and opened it for her.

She smiled. Good, you're still here. "Hey. I brought some water and some of the chili we ate for dinner. Didn't know if you were hungry or not." Her eyes suddenly lingered on my black gaze. I'm so not used to his eyes looking like that. "I don't know how this works, but I guess if you're hungry hungry, and you eat animals, there's a whole bunch of wild ones in the forest over here. Lots of coyotes that try to eat our chickens. Some bobcats too, I think."

"…thanks." I took the chili and water bottles from her before setting them down on the desk. I found I still didn't have an appetite, but I reasoned that maybe I should hunt so her parents didn't take note of my eye change the way she had.

"Can you-" Vitalia cleared her throat and pointed at the chili. "Can you eat that, or…?"

I turned before nodding. "I can, but I can't keep it down for long. The taste is pretty awful too."

"Ah. So mom's tea…" She gave me a little smirk. "What happened there?"

I gave her a pointed look. "As I said, I couldn't keep it down." I'd spare her the gory details.

Vitalia crossed her arms and tilted her head at me, eyes curious and cautious. Man, there's so much I want to know. But I totally can't push it right now.

"…m'kay. Interesting." She moved around the room in a small circle, eyes drifting to her feet as her lips pursed. Don't really want to leave him alone still. Guess I'll be sticking around here until he falls asleep…if he's good with that. I should probably ask h-

Classically, she cut off her own thoughts as she stopped and looked at me again. It wasn't something she even had to do, given that she now knew I could hear everything she was thinking. "You good with me sticking around until you go to sleep? I kinda just…want to keep an eye on you."

I blinked. It was indescribably strange to be on the receiving end of this. How many times had I stayed just to watch over Bella and make sure she was safe? I was naturally protective. And paranoid.

Vitalia's reasons were more valid than mine usually were. She was on suicide watch. She wanted to make sure I didn't take off and end things.

I moved to the bed, sat, then slowly nodded. I'd debated telling her that I couldn't sleep, but that had gone out the window now. She needed to go and get some rest herself. I couldn't have her staying up worrying over me. She needed to feel comfortable leaving me and the only way to do that would be to convince her I'd fallen asleep.

So I'd pretend, as I'd done so many times before around humans.

Vitalia smiled then sat in the chair at the desk, facing me and watching my face closely.

No wonder he always seemed so dangerous. He is! Probably one of the most dangerous people out there. Her heart rate increased as she thought that, but when I analyzed her eyes, I didn't find fear there. Her pulse was excited. The truth of what I was thrilled her.

If I'd been in a better frame of mind, I'd have rolled my eyes at how absurd that was. But in my current, wretched state, I could only feel selfish relief.

She shook her head then sat back. "You should get some sleep now, Eddie. I'll just sit quietly over here for awhile." Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out her iPod, untangled her earbuds, then slipped them into her ears. She gave me a small smile. "Seriously. You've had a rough day."

I held her eyes another moment, before sighing and lying down on my back, staring up at the rustic, wooden ceiling. The place smelled of leather, spice, and that calming water scent Vitalia had.

She turned off the lamp on the desk and the room darkened, though everything inside of it was still perfectly clear to me.

I let my eyes close and listened to the steady breaths of the human girl sitting in the chair beside me.

She selected a song and I forced my forsaken thoughts to dwell on it. It was another country song, but I gripped on to it tightly and let the swells of the music soothe my weary mind.

I glanced at her in the dark and she had her head leaning against her hand as she scrolled through her playlist, face lit by the screen.

I observed her in the silence and felt more of a separation from her light and energy than ever. Her presence was holding me steady, but my misery was still overwhelming.

How could I possibly overcome it?

How was I was going to spend all of eternity like this?

My eyes lowered, the flames of loss gripping me strongly again. I clutched a hand over my chest then tried to mimic sleep as best I could.

When she left, I could be free to drown in this. I could feel it all and somehow work on surfacing from it again.

An hour or so later, I heard the soft creak of the door, then I opened my eyes again as I drew in a sharp, absolutely agonizing breath.

It ripped through me and I let it. I let the very worst of anything I'd ever felt pound away at me.

Hope he's able to get some sleep, Vitalia was thinking as she lied down in her own bed, pulling one of her stuffed bears close. She continued to think of me as she drifted off to sleep, and I waited in dread for the moment her thoughts left me alone…