A/N: This will be the last update until December 3, 2023 as I am going on vacation! I'll be back in December :)
"I never thought you'd ever feel this way," Regina said softly, swiping at her eyes.
Snow bit her lip, looking down at the mug in her hand, shaking her head.
"I've been in denial for so long. I never considered… It's been incredibly painful, and I know that's not fair to you. You're the one who went through it-"
"You're entitled to your feelings, Snow."
Snow looked up, offering a small smile in thanks.
"Yeah," she whispered. "Maybe. But still. You are the one who went through it. I just… I couldn't even face it. I know that makes me a coward-"
"Snow-"
"No. It does, Regina. It makes me a coward, but it is what it is. I know I was coddled growing up. As a child, I had this… ideal view of the world. I thought everyone was good, that there couldn't possibly be bad people in the world, not really. That people who were 'bad' were just misunderstood. And the idea that a parent, that my parents, were anything other than… than the epitome of good, was just unfathomable to me. I worshipped the hell out of my parents. Everything they did was good, was right, and after I lost my mother-" Snow's voice caught, her lower lip trembling as she worked through the pain of losing her mother, even after all of these years. "After I lost my mother, I clung to my father even more. I refused- I couldn't… I couldn't. Regina, the idea that he was anything other than the perfect, honourable, wonderful man I had known him to be-"
Snow shook her head, tears streaming down her cheeks. They'd been talking for hours, alternating between the subject of Regina's marriage to Snow's father and Snow and Regina's current relationship. They'd already gone through two boxes of tissues, the women's noses wiped raw, and still they'd only but scratched the surface of their complicated history. They'd never discussed this subject before, and there was simply so much to unpack.
"What changed?"
"Gods, so many things," Snow said with an empty laugh, reaching out and taking a drink of water.
Regina waited patiently, toying with the ring on her hand as Snow gathered her thoughts.
"Time, mostly. This has been… it's been long overdue. Time and age have helped me get to the point where I could admit what I'd buried, deep, deep down, forever ago. I just couldn't acknowledge it before. But then being away from the Enchanted Forest and living here in America has… it's challenged what I used to think was normal. Acceptable. Seeing how things are done here, seeing how horrified people are at the idea that a teenager would marry someone so much…" Snow trailed off, not quite able to complete the thought about her father. "Seeing you with Emma was another reason. Seeing how loving you could be. How loving you are with Emma and with Henry; it challenged what I thought of you. And then watching Henry grow up also contributed. He's almost sixteen. That's a year younger than you were."
Tears formed in Snow's eyes yet again, and she bit hard on her lower lip to keep from bursting into tears.
"Regina, seeing him, knowing that next year he could be married off to someone three times his-" Snow's voice caught, and she lost her battle with her tears. "It's disgusting. How could my father-"
When the sob caught in her throat, Regina immediately reached out, tugging Snow to her. She couldn't move closer, her belly too heavy and the couch too soft, but Snow complied, shifting over and allowing herself to be held.
"It's repugnant," Snow spat, speaking into Regina's shoulder. "And I'm so angry. How could he do something so vile? So reprehensible? And to a child."
Snow sobbed into her shoulder, her body shaking with the force of her anguish. Regina, for her part, could do nothing but hold the other woman, stroking her hair, unable to come up with any words to respond. She had never, ever thought Snow would ever feel this way. She never considered the possibility that Snow would ever view her father as anything other than perfect parent, the epitome of a 'good man'. Snow had idealised him so completely that Regina had long ago accepted that she would always feel that way about her father, no matter what anyone else said.
"Sorry," Snow apologised, making a move to pull away.
Regina didn't allow it. She pulled her back in, holding her close.
"You're allowed to be upset."
"But not to you, Regina," Snow said, voice thick with emotion. She pulled back, just enough to meet Regina's watery gaze. "I have no right."
"You have every right."
"I feel like I don't," Snow responded, swiping at her cheeks. "The things he put you through. The things I put you through-"
"The things we put each other through, Snow. Or are you forgetting the decades that I spent trying to murder you?"
A small smile tugged on Snow's lips.
"Hard to forget that."
"Precisely. I wasn't innocent in this story. And if we compare stories-"
"We shouldn't-"
"If we compare stories," Regina continued, speaking over her former stepdaughter, "mine comes out far, far worse."
"You were innocent once. Until he ruined it for you."
"It wasn't just him," Regina reminded her.
"He was a major part of it," Snow countered, nodding when Regina didn't argue back. She couldn't. It was the truth.
Regina took a shaky breath, leaning back against the couch and closing her eyes.
"You okay?"
Regina nodded, rubbing her hands over her belly.
"I am."
"And how are you, sweet baby?" Snow asked, crouching down and speaking to her grandchild. She glanced up at Regina, holding up her hand. "Can I?"
Regina nodded, grateful for the break from such an emotional conversation. She took Snow's hand and pressed it to where she could feel the baby wiggling at her side.
"The baby likes being spoken to."
"Well of course you do, little one. No one likes to be ignored. I'm sorry you're hearing such heavy conversation, but your mom and I… we have a lot to clear up before you're born." Snow looked back at the other woman. "It's been a long time coming."
"It has," Regina agreed, then closed her eyes again.
Snow took the hint, smiling down at Regina's belly, heart warming at the knowledge that soon she'd have a new grandbaby to love. A grandbaby who still had yet to be named.
"Alright, little one. You do need a name, and since your mothers aren't sharing their list, why don't we go through mine? You kick your little feet if you find one you like."
Regina groaned internally. This was going to be good.
"Okay, now. If you're a little boy, what do you think of the name Altair?"
Regina's eyes widened at the ceiling. Where the hell was Emma to deal with this?
"No? I think that's a nice name. What about Callum? Or Finch?" Snow paused, waiting for the baby to respond. "Hmm. Perhaps you're a girl. What about Wren? That's a darling name for a little girl. Griffin also jumped out at me. That's unique and very pretty."
Snow waited, but still no movement. Regina, for her part, was frowning. There was a niggling familiarity about these names.
"Okay. What about Raven?"
It slowly began to dawn on Regina where the hell Snow was getting these names.
"Please do not tell me you consulted a book about birds to assist in naming my child."
Snow looked up innocently. She glanced over at the side table, where Regina spotted a magazine that most definitely was about said vertebrates.
"It wasn't a book," Snow defended.
Regina squeezed her eyes shut, refusing to deal with this conversation any longer. Snow, entirely unperturbed, continued on.
"Phoenix is a good unisex name!"
She waited, pushing a little more firmly on Regina's belly. Still nothing.
"Baby, you are not making this easy on me, you know. Alright, what about Ava?"
But before she could get a response, Snow's phone suddenly rang loudly from the coffee table, causing the woman to pull away and reach for it. Regina opened her eyes, glancing at Snow before looking down at her belly. She then closed her eyes, rubbing it gently once again.
Regina returned late that evening, barely speaking to Emma or Henry before heading upstairs. She simply had no energy left in her, taking a brief moment to acknowledge the pair before turning in for the night. Emma had followed her immediately, their son nodding in understanding when she followed his other mother.
The women stripped down when they got to their room, crawling into bed immediately after. Emma pressed herself up against Regina's back, pulling her in close. She held her for a long time, eventually accepting that Regina wouldn't want to talk again tonight. That was okay with Emma. She would wait for Regina, wait until she was ready. She would always wait for her, even if the curiosity (and concern) was eating at her.
"Your mother apologised for her father," Regina finally said softly, surprising Emma when she spoke. "And for her own actions. She said now that she's older, she sees things differently."
Emma, shocked at the revelation, moved her hand to interlace her fingers with Regina's.
"What do you mean?"
"Your mother was always of the opinion that her father could do no wrong. He doted on her incessantly. There was nothing for which she wanted. He gave her everything. And so, in her eyes, he was this wonderful, incredible man. She never understood my hatred for him. She always faulted me for the way he treated me."
"What?!"
Regina squeezed Emma's fingers, a gentle reprimand for her outburst. She wanted Emma to listen. She needed her to. Despite the fact that they'd paused their heavy conversation quite frequently, Regina was left feeling incredibly raw, unbelievably vulnerable, after such a difficult day of discussion with Snow.
"Sorry."
"I need you calm, Emma. If you can't do that, we can talk another time. I'm feeling far too emotional right now."
Emma kissed her shoulder in apology.
"Sorry, baby. Please continue."
Regina stayed quiet for a few minutes, waiting until she was confident that Emma's mood had returned to neutral.
"Your mother was very spoiled. She could never see things from another's perspective. Not for a very long time. That is one reason why she blamed me for her father's actions when she was young."
Emma stayed quiet, pushing down the rage boiling deep in her belly. How dare her mother blame Regina for the abuse she suffered?
"She told me yesterday that she was sorry for her behaviour and she understands why I hated him so. It seems your mother has been speaking with Archie in recent months, since I've gotten pregnant and we've gotten closer. We talked all day today. She told me that when she was younger, she blamed me for the problems in our marriage, for his mistreatment, because she could not reconcile that the man who loved her so dearly could be so violent and so cruel to someone she also loved."
Regina paused, swallowing hard.
"Your mother did love me then, when she was younger," Regina said softly, toying with Emma's fingers for a moment before continuing. "And she said that, at first, she did believe I was the problem, that I must be doing something wrong for her father to treat me as he did. And that he reinforced the idea by informing her that I was locked up day and night because I was behaving poorly."
Emma bit her tongue.
"She said as time went on, she slowly began to doubt that it was all my fault, but she still couldn't accept that her father was the problem. It was too difficult for her to consider that her father might not be as perfect as she'd always thought, and as I grew colder and more cruel, it became easier to keep the blame on me and away from her father.
"She said that as she aged, however, deep down, she began to think that our marriage was wrong; she began to realise what had happened between us, that I had not been a willing participant and that I was treated horrifically by her father. But again, she couldn't face it properly, wouldn't admit it or acknowledge it, so she buried that realisation and refused to face it. She hid behind denial. And so, outwardly, she blamed me, defended her father, and faulted me for everything. She was constantly with him, continuously taking his side, demanding his attention and pushing me away from them both. I always thought she was jealous, that she looked at me as competition for her father's attention, despite the fact that I never once wanted it.
"And so time passed. We grew more distant. And then I killed him, and I became the Evil Queen, which reinforced the illusion that Snow built for herself, that I had always been the problem and that her father had been an innocent in all of it. She held onto the rage she felt to keep that narrative. We were enemies and we tried for years to kill one another. And then I cast the curse, and we came here."
Regina took a deep breath, pulling Emma's hand up and kissing her knuckles softly.
"And then you happened. You came to Storybrooke and we got closer. She began to see how I treated you, treated Henry. She said it's been rewriting the story she'd told herself in her head about how I was. She also told me that as Henry's been aging, it's been weighing more and more heavily on her, as he gets closer to the age I was when I was married off to her father, just how wrong it was that that happened.
"She's been seeing her father in a different light lately. Today, she said specifically, how could he have accepted to marry you, Regina? How could he have asked? You were a teenager."
Regina let Emma's hand rest on her belly so that she could swipe at her eyes.
"She's never said anything like that before. And she told me that she's been thinking it over incessantly lately, and it's been making her feel sick. She said it's been destroying her, and evidently it had been taking its toll on her relationship with your father as well. So she's been speaking with Archie, and he encouraged her to talk to me."
Regina reached down and found Emma's hand again, their fingers interlacing without thought.
"Jesus," Emma breathed. "I don't even know what to say."
Regina nodded.
"Nor did I. I never expected any of this. She has defended him so vehemently her entire life. And I understood. He was her father and she loved him dearly. And with the way he treated her, I would expect no less. I never thought she actually saw how he…"
"How he treated you?"
Regina nodded.
"From my perspective, she was ignorant to all of it. It seems I was wrong. She said it gave her nightmares as a child. And she has so many regrets of not speaking up for me. I never knew. I would never have imagined she felt any desire to defend me." Regina paused for a moment. "I truly never realised she had noticed. At first I… I tried to shield her from some of it. I was embarrassed. Confused. I despised her. How I despised her. And yet, she was still a child. I couldn't bring myself to harm her. But he was so violent. So-" Regina breath hitched. "I went from one tyrant to another."
Emma could feel her belly churn. She wanted Regina to talk to her, to share with her, she wanted to know. But hearing this type of thing always made her want to vomit.
"Shall I stop? I don't want to upset you."
"No," Emma responded immediately. "No. I mean, it's intense. But I want to hear it. Please keep going."
"Are you certain?"
Emma could hear the hesitance in her voice, so she kissed the back of Regina's head, keeping her lips there for long seconds before pulling away.
"Please. This is your history, baby. I want to know all of it."
Regina tugged on Emma's hand, guiding her forward until she was close enough to kiss. Regina kissed her slowly, languidly, scratching her nails at Emma's scalp as she buried her fingers in her hair. She pulled back just enough to look at her, finding her eyes in the soft glow of the moonlight.
"I've never loved another the way I love you, Emma Swan."
Emma nodded.
"Ditto."
Regina chuckled, her hand sliding down to Emma's shoulder and gently nudging it so she'd spoon her again.
"Eloquent as always, Miss Swan."
Emma giggled against her back, sliding against her until their bodies were flush together. She waited quietly, patiently, but when Regina didn't continue, she spoke first.
"If you want to keep talking, I'd like to keep listening."
"You listen to me so carefully, Emma."
"I want to hear it. If you feel like sharing."
"I do."
"Then please continue."
Regina took a deep breath, holding it for a second, before releasing it slowly.
"Do you know what else she told me… tonight?"
"No."
"He always adored her. And she demanded his attention in an almost obsessive manner. Did you know I never actually learnt to ballroom dance because he never once danced with me? We didn't have balls for the first two years of our marriage. But when we began having them, he would only ever dance with Snow, and she would have it no other way. She would follow him around and she'd beg him to dance with her some more if he even ventured near me.
"She had become increasingly demanding as the years went by, and so he spent less and less time with me because she consumed most of his. It was of great relief to me, an incredibly welcome side effect to her selfish behaviour and incessant need for attention, because he rarely had time to touch me when he was with her.
"She told me tonight… she told me that she did that on purpose. She said it upset her to see him do to me the things that he did, and she didn't know how to stop it. How could she? She was but a child (Emma swallowed her shock at the way Regina actually defended Snow). But she told me tonight that, as a child, she realised she could keep him away from me if she forced him to be with her, to pay attention to her. Which, she admitted wasn't a hardship as he truly did love her and he happily spent his time with her.
"But all this time, Emma, I thought she was just being a brat. I thought she was simply being selfish, acting on her need for everyone's attention, especially her father's. I never once complained because I never wanted her father's attention and I was grateful he was looking elsewhere. But I had no idea she was calling on him so he'd leave me alone. Emma, all this time…"
Regina began crying then, Emma tucking herself even closer and holding her tighter. She was floored. She had no words, shocked by what Regina was telling her.
"She told me that she blamed me in order to save her image of her father, but then she admitted that deep down she knew it wasn't my fault. Not entirely anyway, but she couldn't accept it. She couldn't admit it out loud or even to herself, that her father was… anything but an honourable man. But then she'd see him with me, and it horrified her to see her father strike me, and that's why she was so demanding of his time. I never knew, Emma. I just thought she was being a spoiled brat-"
Regina's voice broke, so she stopped speaking, instead turning her head into her pillow and sobbing out her grief. She tucked Emma's hand under her chin, giving an answering squeeze when she felt Emma's fingers clench her own. All this time, she'd had no idea Snow had done those things to protect her.
Regina knew it was, in part, self-serving. Snow had admitted it was traumatising to see her father swear at and hit Regina, and by keeping him away from her, it stopped her witnessing any violence. But while they spoke that evening, Snow confessed that she'd once accidentally walked in on Regina as she began undressing for her bath, just over a year into their marriage, seeing the bruises on her arms, her wrists, along her back and thighs. She'd been horrified, never having seeing the marred flesh before as it was continuously covered by Regina's dresses.
Snow had told her that she'd snuck back out of the bath room and immediately run to her bedroom and cried. She'd then come out the next morning and followed Regina and her father quietly, watching them. And she'd been shocked by the way her father dragged his wife by her hair, striking her when she cried out in pain. Snow had confided that she finally, finally seen that … Regina had done nothing. She had done nothing to warrant the attack. And she'd felt sick to her stomach witnessing her father beat Regina for absolutely no reason.
Snow had continued hiding behind her denial, but at the same time, she also knew that she had to keep her father away from Regina. She couldn't bear to watch her father mistreat someone so terribly. It crushed Snow to witness the violence, to be faced with the idea that her father was capable of such actions. And so she did the only thing that she could think of to make it stop: she sought her father out when he was home and not out on trips for diplomatic reasons.
Her father was never nasty to Snow; he was the loving, gentle man she'd always known. And so she kept her father away from Regina, the violence stopped (or at least, lessened) and Snow was able to live in that world of denial, where her father was a wonderful person, a fair ruler, an honourable man. Snow made sure to occupy all of his time, following him around everywhere, demanding that he attend her lessons and begging him to increase their trips outside the castle. Anything in an effort to keep him away from Regina, to prevent him from attacking the person who had saved her that fateful day on the horse.
Regina had openly sobbed when Snow had told her all of this, for she'd had no idea she'd done any of this.
"How could I not, Regina? He… the things he did to you-"
It was then that Regina pulled Snow into her arms, unable to resist the need to comfort the devastated woman before her.
"She tried to protect me," Regina whispered softly, sniffling.
Emma gently rubbed her lips along the back of Regina's spine, kissing it softly as she held her close.
"And I hated her so. I had no idea she was trying to protect me. I just saw this spoiled brat being adored by the man who treated me so vilely…"
"It doesn't seem like she wanted you to know."
"How could she tell me? I treated her like scum, Emma. Worse than dirt. She never had the opportunity. The longer I lived in that castle, the more unhappy I became, and the more I obsessed over Daniel's death. I couldn't help reflecting upon the idea that had he lived, I wouldn't be married to the King. That maybe I'd be off in a small cottage somewhere, with Daniel, and I'd be happy. But then I'd look around and I was back in my nightmare, with the King and with Snow. And I put all of my blame on her. I took out everything I was feeling on her. I blamed her fully for Daniel's death, even though it wasn't her fault. I don't… I should never have blamed her. She was but a child."
Emma jaw dropped. She thanked every God in existence that Regina had not seen the shocked expression Emma was entirely unable to hide.
"Did you… Did you guys talk about that tonight? Or yesterday."
Emma forced her jaw shut when Regina nodded.
"Today. We did. It was… it was incredibly emotional. I don't believe I've ever seen your mother cry so much."
Emma swallowed hard, kissing Regina's skin softly.
"Holy shit."
Regina gave a soft smile, though Emma couldn't see it. The truth was, she had cried more today than she had in a long time. And while her conversation with Snow had been incredibly draining, it had also been unbelievably healing.
"Yes."
"That's huge."
"It is. I told her-" Regina's breath hitched. "I told her I don't blame her any longer. And I… I apologised. I never should have blamed her."
"Holy fuck. How did she react?"
"She began crying so hard that she nearly fell off the couch."
"No shit. This is like… Regina, this is like life-altering for her. Did you mean it?"
"Yes," Regina whispered, after taking a long moment to reflect quietly.
"This is huge for you too."
Regina nodded, a knot forming in her throat. The truth was, she didn't know what this meant for the future. She had no idea what her relationship with Snow and David would look like without the weight of this between them. The blame Regina had placed on Snow and the guilt the other woman had carried had been a cornerstone of their relationship. This conversation, it changed everything.
"It changes everything," Regina spoke, voicing the thought aloud.
"Is that a bad thing?" Emma asked gently.
"I don't know. But it will certainly change our relationship. It… it frightens me."
Emma squeezed her middle.
"I get that. Change is scary. I'm with you though, through all of this."
"I know. And I am incredibly grateful to you, Emma. I wouldn't be where I am without you. Without your support. You give me a strength I've never before possessed."
"You're the strongest person I know, Regina."
"And yet, you make me stronger."
Emma smiled softly.
"Well, okay. I'll take it."
"You better. I wasn't giving you a choice."
"Hey," Emma teased. "What happened to consent?"
Regina chuckled.
"Idiot."
Silence fell between them for a moment, until Emma spoke up again.
"So, she finally sees what a piece of shit her father is. I'm glad she's joining the rest of the class. She should have been blaming him from the start, not you."
"It's difficult for her. He's her father. And he treated her very well. She said she's been fighting the idea of blaming her father her entire life. Now that she's finally facing the truth, accepting that he was also to blame-"
"Entirely to blame."
"I wasn't finished," Regina chided, swiping at Emma's hand.
"Sorry. Continue. She's accepting that he was entirely to blame…"
Regina bit back a smile.
"Now that she's accepting that he was to blame," she repeated, though she only did so to humour Emma, for she also felt that she contributed to Snow's feelings, "She's having trouble coping."
Guilt tugged at Emma's belly. She didn't want her mother to suffer.
"I had no idea she was struggling with this. My dad never said anything."
"Nor did I. She had told me she was having trouble sleeping lately, but we hadn't discussed why. Now it makes sense."
Emma nodded.
"How are you doing with all of this? This is… this is a lot."
"It is. I'm confused, and I'm overwhelmed. I don't know what to think."
"I don't blame you. Are you going to talk to her again? About it?"
"In the future, we may revisit the conversation. But I think for now, we both need time. These last two days have been… exhausting."
Emma nodded against her shoulder.
"Yeah, makes sense. Anything I can do?"
"No more than what you already are, my love. You are helping immensely simply by being here with me and supporting me."
"Nowhere else I wanna be."
Regina smiled, bringing Emma's hand up to kiss her knuckles. That, she did know.
"You will make a wonderful wife, Emma. I cannot wait to marry you."
"And I can't wait to marry you, Regina. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."
The two quieted then, snuggling close, Regina taking a deep breath and releasing it slowly. She closed her eyes, trying to relax in order to sleep, but she noticed Emma's thumb swiping repeatedly over the back of her hand. She waited patiently, wondering if Emma was simply trying to soothe her to sleep or if there was something on her mind. When the movement didn't stop, beginning to take an almost erratic pattern, Regina rotated her wrist and intertwined their fingers.
"Emma? What's wrong?"
It took a moment for her to reply, causing Regina to frown.
"Nothing's wrong, baby. We're good."
"You're thinking, and I'd like to know what about."
Emma licked her lips, subconsciously increasing the movement of her thumb on Regina's palm. Her mind had begun wandering in the silence, drifting from how much this changed things for her mother and her lover (for the better, she knew), to Regina's abusive relationship with the King, and then to the fact that Emma never, ever wanted Regina to ever be abused again. She'd suffered enough in her life. Emma just wanted Regina to be happy, to feel safe, and her mind inevitably drifted to the moment at the mansion, when Regina had lashed out at her about Emma's desire to 'own' her.
Regina shifted on the bed, reaching up and cupping Emma's cheek.
"Whatever it is, darling-"
"Do you really think I wanted to own you?" Emma blurted, then bit her bottom lip, slightly embarrassed at speaking so impulsively. "When I was talking about buying you the ring, did you really think that's what I wanted?"
Emma looked so concerned that Regina tugged her forward, pressing their lips together softly in an effort to reassure her. She kissed Emma slowly, scratching at the back of her scalp, before gently pulling away.
"You were so angry," Emma continued. "I don't want you to think I would ever want that."
"I don't, Emma. If I did, we wouldn't even be in a relationship. I'd have nothing to do with you, in fact."
"Then why? Why did you say it?"
Regina took a deep breath, letting it out slowly.
"The subject of marriage… I put it to rest decades ago. I have never considered that I'd ever want to marry again because of what marriage represents to me." Regina paused, then corrected herself. "What is represented to me. But you've changed so many things for me, Emma. My thoughts, my opinions, my feelings. I can feel myself changing for the better, because of your love and attention and patience. It isn't your responsibility to heal me, but you are, inadvertently. However, there are parts of me that are still very… they are raw. This subject is… I haven't visited it in decades. It's an incredibly, incredibly sensitive topic for me, and I don't know that I'll ever-"
Regina's voice hitched, and she took a moment to work through her emotions.
"I don't know that I'll ever truly move past what I went through with him. I don't know if I can. Despite the fact that you are so, vastly different from anyone in my life, this subject is still triggering."
"Then why are we even discussing it, Regina? We don't have to do this."
"I want to, Emma. With you. You make me believe that… I cannot believe I'm saying this," Regina muttered to herself, before speaking the next words aloud. "You make me believe in love again, Emma. You make me believe that someone could actually want what is best for me, that you want what is best for me, and I want the same for you.
"I want this for you. You do so much for me, Emma. I know how badly you want to be married, and I want this with you, for me but for you as well. And I trust you, implicitly, but I still… my trust in you, it's why I feel safe with you, but it doesn't erase my past. I am still- as hard as I try, Emma, there are some things that will affect me for the rest of my life."
Regina swallowed hard. She could feel herself becoming more and more emotional, tears building in her eyes as she spoke.
"It isn't fair, but you will undoubtedly be affected by the actions of the people from my past. You should not have to bear the burden of the trauma they inflicted, and it truly isn't fair, Emma. And I'm trying, but I-"
Emma pulled Regina in her arms when the woman started crying, her heart in shambles at just how distraught her lover was.
"I didn't mean to upset you like this."
"You didn't," Regina said, shaking her head. "I want you to discuss these things with me. I'm glad that you brought it up."
Regina took a moment to gather herself before she yet again pulled away to look into Emma's eyes.
"You are the most precious woman I have ever loved. There is nothing I would not do for you, Emma."
"I know."
"Do you really?" Regina asked, searching Emma's eyes.
"I do, Regina. I know you would do anything for me. You don't love often, but when you do, you love really fucking hard. And I know what that means for us. I see what you're doing for me. For us."
"I have only loved two in my life, Emma, romantically speaking. I have no plans on loving another after you. You are everything I have ever wanted. And more importantly, you are everything I have ever needed. I want to make you happy. I want to do the things that will make you happy, but the point remains. Healing… this is a recent goal. I am trying to heal. But there is so much trauma. And I-I know that I need to make changes. I'm trying-"
"I know you are. I see it."
Regina smiled softly at Emma.
"I'm glad that you're seeing it, at least."
"I am. I mean, what's bigger than trying to reconcile with my mom?"
Regina nodded slowly, reaching up to stroke Emma's cheek.
"I am doing that for our child, and for myself, and I am doing it for her as well, but most of all… I am doing it for you. You deserve to have peace in your life, and peace between your mother and me. I don't want you to choose, Emma."
Emma heart clenched at the words. She knew how big of a step this was for Regina. To hear that Emma was a major reason why…
"I love you, baby."
"And I you, Emma."
Emma leaned forward, kissing her softly on the lips.
"I don't think that you're looking to purchase me, Emma. I don't. However, I cannot break that association in my mind. That moment, although so many decades ago, was incredibly impactful. It has left an incredible trauma. My mind has made an association that I haven't been able to break.
"I can't receive jewellery if it's in exchange for something. I- perhaps it isn't fair, and you are well within your rights to be upset about it, but I can't. It brings me back to that day, to when my life and my freedom and my being was exchanged for a ring. I was worth no more than-than…"
"I get it," Emma said soothingly, reaching out to cup Regina's cheek. "I promise, I get it."
"I'm sorry, Emma. I'm sorry for speaking the words that are clearly still upsetting you."
"It's just… you were so angry."
"I was upset. Very upset. I haven't exactly coped with the traumatic events of my past in the healthiest of ways-"
Regina squeezed Emma's arm playfully when the woman snorted.
"Like I said," Regina continued, slight teasing in her voice. "I haven't coped in the healthiest of ways. I haven't… I haven't processed most of that time. With him. And your words, your insistence that you wanted to buy the ring, independent of your motives… I felt that I was back in that horrible castle, with absolutely no choice over my fate. And the fact that I had told you what I wanted, and yet you disregarded that-"
"I didn't mean to. I wanted to do right by you."
"I understand that, Emma," Regina said calmly. "But it's not what I need. What I need is some control over this. I needed for this proposal to not be an exchange. Because that's exactly what it is to offer me a ring: it is an exchange for marriage. It's what it represents. If you wish to give me a ring or a necklace, free of any expectations, I would happily accept that gift. Because that's what it would be: a gift, without expectations. Buying me jewellery simply because you want to give me a gift is different.
"But this is not that. An engagement ring is quite literally the representation of exchange. The person proposing offers the ring, the person being proposed to can choose to accept, but the expectation is that a marriage will occur. The ring is an agreement. It is a trade. And if the person refuses, the ring returns to the person who proposed marriage. It is an exchange. I cannot be exchanged again… I won't."
"I know."
"That's what it means to me, Emma. If you were to buy me a ring, that's what it would have meant to me. And I'm sorry, darling," Regina said, her voice thick with emotion. "I have a very, very difficult past. And it isn't fair to you that you're being affected by it. We can wait until I've healed, if I ever do, if you want to propose in a more traditional manner."
Emma shook her head.
"I don't want that. It's just… it's been on my mind because I was worried you thought that I had an ulterior motive or something, that I was like him."
Regina reached up and gripped Emma's wrist tightly.
"Emma Swan, you listen to me carefully. You are nothing like him. There is no comparison to be made between the two of you because you are nothing like him. Do you hear me?"
The conviction in Regina's voice made Emma nod immediately.
"I hear you," Emma said softly.
"I'm sorry I had such a strong reaction to your desire to buy me a ring. I understand, now that I'm calmer, that your intentions were in the right place. They were noble. I should have trusted that, but we touched on a very upsetting subject, one that I have not addressed for decades. I buried it, as I did most things. I'm sorry that you are yet again caught in the crossfire of my wrath, Emma, of my traumas."
"It was hard to have you get that mad at me," Emma admitted, smiling softly when she saw Regina's features contort with guilt. "But I don't think anyone really gets how traumatising that event was for you. I try, because I want to understand you, but I know that even I don't get it completely."
"Every moment with him was hell, Emma. There is much to be worked through."
"Have you thought… about talking to someone?"
Regina sighed heavily, nodding.
"I've reached out to Archie. We've… spoken."
"Did you? I didn't know that."
"I'm still… I'm still processing. I'm sorry. I was going to tell you."
"You did tell me," Emma said with a smile. "Just now."
Regina smiled back, belly fluttering at just how beautiful Emma was.
"Thank you for being so understanding, darling. I know it isn't fair to you… for you to be affected by my past this way. None of this is fair to you."
"Those things aren't fair to you either. And I haven't always been fair to you either, Regina. I mean, look at how my past affected you when you first got pregnant. That wasn't fair. I'm not totally innocent either. It's the shitty reality of having a traumatic past. It inevitably affects the people you love the most."
"I don't want it to affect you, Emma."
"And it mostly doesn't, until sometimes it does."
"I never want it to."
"I know that, baby. But, you did the right thing to try and stop it from happening again: you reached out to Archie."
Regina sighed heavily.
"It was much easier when my method of coping was simply to murder those who upset me."
Emma, not having expected such a response, laughed loudly, leaning forward into Regina's shoulder and chuckling into her neck. She laughed harder when she felt Regina giggling against her.
"Well, you're not wrong."
"I'm never wrong."
Emma grinned, fingers sliding into Regina's hair and holding the back of her head affectionately.
"Do you feel better, Emma? Are you alright?"
"I am, baby. Thanks for talking to me tonight."
"No, Emma. Thank you for bringing it up. I am sorry for upsetting you."
Emma shrugged.
"I forgive you, baby."
Regina smiled softly in response.
"I love you, Regina. I love you so much."
Regina, smirking at her lover, simply responded with one word:
"Ditto."