The First Time
Summary: Set sometime during their twenty-year search for the Dragon Reborn. The first time that Lan comes dangerously close to losing Moiraine. Sometimes trauma comes from watching something rather than being on the receiving end yourself
Note: The idea of this has been playing in my head for a few days now and I needed to get it out. It's intended as a oneshot, but I can't promise I won't come back to it in a few days for a fluffy, trauma healing epilogue for my own benefit.
Just minutes ago, Lan had been sat around the warder's fire, with a drink in his hand. Maksim and Ihvon across from him, recounting some old story of theirs, smiling and laughing in the firelight. He had been gently aware of Moiraine off in their tent, writing something, likely a letter to Siuan by the feeling of it. Everything had been calm, peaceful even. It was Alanna that had broken the mood, exiting the green tent in a hurry, followed by several other Aes Sedai. Maksim and Ihvon were already at their feet. "My wards, they've been broken."
The change was instant. The fire was quickly doused and a busy silence fell as everyone's attention turned to the trees around them. Lan felt Moiraine join him and he turned to give her a small smile of encouragement. She nodded in response and they began to move forwards with the others, spreading out in all directions. Hand signals communicated instructions, and soon they found themselves deeper in the woods, twigs and small branches underfoot as they focused their eyes on the horizon.
Darkness enveloped the forest, and now Lan could barely see his hand in front of his face, let alone pick out anyone in the distance. He could just about make out Alanna off to the left, Maksim and Ihvon just behind her, blades in hand. Moiraine stood a few metres to his right, her fingers twitching, anxiously eager to channel. There were a handful of other Aes Sedai and their warders were scattered around them.
Lan saw Alanna glance across at Moiraine and give a nod. In perfect synchrony, they both moved their hands in the same weave and no sooner than they had started, a ball of crackling light shot forwards from each of them in different directions. Lan strained his eyes as the area in front of them was momentarily lit up. It was brief, but enough. Lan spoke quietly but loud enough for the others to hear. "Archers. To the right."
No sooner than he did so, a whistling noise filled the air and shouts erupted in the distance. Moiraine appeared closer to his side, her hands up in front of them. Although unable to see her channelling, Lan had been travelling with her long enough that he was intimately aware of what every slight move of hers meant. He knew she was shielding them. As the first rainfall of arrows came, a few hit the floor around them with soft thuds and only one met with Moiraine's shield; inches from Lan's face. "I hate archers," he muttered under his breath. He felt a tremor of humour come through the bond as Moiraine smirked.
"Not an honourable enough fight for you, Dai Shin?" she replied, playfully teasing.
Lan gave a soft disgruntled noise in reply, and the two of them moved forwards together, quickening their pace to a slow run. Figures were emerging into view now, and Lan could see the glint of metal. He raised his sword in front of him and took off to charge at the nearest one.
A warder's job in battle was first and foremost to protect his Aes Sedai; how they did this, differed from warder to warder. When Lan had sworn his oath to Moiraine, so many years ago, he was already more than proficient in the use of a sword. His years of training giving him a sense of confidence and comfort in his ability to keep attackers at a distance, allowing Moiraine to focus on whichever weaves she favoured in the moment in their combined efforts to defend themselves. They had grown so in tune with each other, that sometimes he hardly felt like they were two separate people at all.
Lan had already brought several of their attackers to the ground as Moiraine vibrated the earth below them, pulling them off balance. With each slight flick of her hand, small rocks rose from the undergrowth and flew at whoever was getting close with a force strong enough to knock them back a few feet. But as each one went down, another replaced them, as more and more appeared nearby. They were no means overwhelmed yet, but they were slowly finding themselves getting surrounded. If they weren't careful, they would find themselves cut off.
Alanna voice came loud over the chaos, "Pull back!"
Moving together in a well-choreographed retreat, the Aes Sedai moved closer together and began to regroup. A warder that Lan didn't know that well ran in from the side, panting heavily, "there's more coming."
He watched Alanna's brow furrow. "Link with me," she signalled to her sisters around her.
Lan stepped in front of Moiraine, blade raised, as her hands fell in front of her in a movement mirrored by the others. Other warders were doing much the same as Lan for their own Aes Sedai, forming a barrier that would allow them to complete their collective weave. More and more figures were appearing out of the trees front of them, running towards them, forcing Lan and the others to focus on taking them down, one after the other. Lan could hear orders being shouted from behind the treeline, but couldn't make out the exact words, as he was thrown into the chaos of protecting Moiraine.
With a raise of her arms, Alanna finished her weave and the ground erupted around them. Their assailants were thrown through the air backwards, some falling immediately to the floor, crumpling in ways that their bodies wouldn't normally bend. A few hit tree trunks or were caught by flying debris.
It was then, that Lan felt it. A hot piercing stab to his chest, the wind knocked out of him leaving him unable to take a breath. Eye's widening in pain, he looked down, but saw nothing. A thick wave of nausea rose in this throat in response. Moiraine.
Lan spun around just in time to see her silently fall to the ground, her mouth wide in surprise. Lan launched himself towards her and fell to his knees, "Moiraine," he breathed. With one arm lifting her under her shoulders, his other hand dropped straight to her chest where an arrow now stood proud. Even in the darkness he could see the blood seeping quickly into the fabric of her navy cloak, his fingers felt the warmth of it, flowing over his hand as he applied as much pressure as he could.
Moiraine couldn't speak but he could see the fear in her eyes, her pupils large as they locked with his. He didn't need words, he could feel the life draining so quickly from her, and a dark empty sense of dread and weakness threatened to overwhelm his senses. The arrow had hit her direct to the heart.
Lan forced himself to look up away from her, and scanned the group around him. Alanna was closest. When he shouted, his voice surprised him, more a strangled yell than anything else. "Alanna!"
Alanna didn't need any further instructions, immediately dropping to his side, her fingers already channelling to remove the arrow. Lan had expected more pain as he watched the serrated edge rip at her flesh as it was removed, but as he raised his gaze to look at Moiraine's face, it almost hurt him more to realise that she was already unconscious. It was all happening so fast.
The bond was so weak, so much so that if he wasn't focused specifically on it, he couldn't feel it. Blood still gushed through his trembling fingers at her chest, but Lan couldn't bring himself to look away from Moiraine's face. The sound of his own heartbeat, blood rushing in his ears was as all he could hear. His mind ran wildly with unconnected thoughts, but nothing that made sense, just guttural reactions to the raw emotion that swept him now. His Aes Sedai was dying in his arms and there was nothing he could do.
Lan didn't notice the flow of blood start to slow, Alanna expertly weaving, pulling the wound back together with invisible strings, flesh knitting back together as if it had never happened at all. It was only when he felt a hand on his shoulder and he looked up to see Alanna's telling him something, that he broke from his spiral. "Take her back to the camp. I'll heal her completely once we're finished here."
Lan looked around, having momentarily forgotten they were still mid-battle. He swallowed hard and nodded to Alanna. Slipping both his arms underneath Moiraine he easily lifted her with him as he stood, her head flopped to his chest. He half walked, half ran towards the camp. Focusing in on Moiraine he could feel some strength returning, not a lot, but enough.
When he made it back, the campsite was empty. He located their tent and carried her inside. He glanced at her bed, but he couldn't quite bring himself to put her down. Instead, he found himself sitting down in front of it, his back to the wooden side, continuing to cradle her against him. His fingers ran shakily through loose locks her hair, as he brushed them away from her face. They'd been in close calls before, but never this close. The way he'd felt her energy drain so suddenly and so fast, with nothing he could do. He could feel the bile rising in his throat as he relived that moment, a feeling he never wanted to feel ever again, that he would do anything to not feel again. Nothing he'd ever experienced compared to this.
Lan sat in silence, broken only by his own shaky breaths, for what seemed like an eternity. It was only when he began to feel the warmth returning to her pale skin, that he found himself calming, at least slightly. His mind was still racing, processing what had just happened. How one moment they had been casually teasing each other, completely confident in each other's support as they fought against what seemed like an evenly matched encounter. Then the next…
The smallest of moans came from Moiraine, and Lan looked down. She was beginning to stir. "Moiraine?" he said softly.
Slowly her eyes opened and she looked first at him, then around the room to get her bearings. Lan could feel physical pain begin to seep back in across the bond. "Don't move, Alanna will be here to finish healing you soon."
Moiraine turned her head to look back up at him, and for some reason that he couldn't fathom, she was smiling softly. "Hey."
Her voice was so small, not the strong voice he knew so well, and it hurt deeply to hear it so fragile. He didn't respond as his mind returned to images of seeing her fall to the ground, her eyes wide with fear and pain.
"Hey," she repeated drowsily, sensing and trying to calm Lan's anguish. She placed a hand on his chest. "I'm ok."
"I'm not," Lan replied honestly, before he could stop himself.
She let his words settle as she adjusted herself in his arms, allowing her eyes to close again, hand still on his chest. They sat in silence as Moiraine's breathing became steadier and colour crept back into her cheeks. Finally, she looked back up at him, "it's not your fault."
A dull rush of anger flooded Lan's emotions, "it's my job, Moiraine, to keep your safe."
"And you do that, very well." Her fingers stroked her chest. "We were in a pitch-black forest, arrows flying everywhere, and it's not like you weren't busy."
Lan didn't reply, closing his eyes instead. There was nothing she could say right now that would make him feel better about it.
"Does holding me help?" Moiraine asked after a second. Lan knew she was taking her time to thoughtfully choose her words, trying not to say anything that would upset him further.
Lan hesitated before answering, he was rarely this vulnerable in front of her, let alone anyone else. She knew of course, through the bond, but that was different to him saying it out loud. "Yes," he said softly.
"Then that's what we'll do," Moiraine replied simply. She moved to rest her head against Lan, and chose to bury herself in his robe, her eyes closing again. "I'm sure Alanna will be here soon."
Lan could feel her exhaustion, the sharp ache in her chest, mirrored in his own, as she felt her drift towards unconsciousness. He pulled her closer to him and lowered his head, pressing his lips into her hair. "I'm sorry," he whispered.
Moiraine didn't give him the dignity of a response, but he felt her fingers tighten into the front of his clothes and a warm wave of comfort and reassurance came through the bond.
They sat like that until Alanna returned, Moiraine having fallen asleep in his arms and Lan deep in thought. He was calmer now, given the opportunity to sit here in the quiet, feel her breathing against him. She no longer felt quite so weak, in fact, she actually felt reasonably peaceful. The steady rise and fall of her body soothed him, and his own breathing had slowed to match hers.
Alanna walked over to them both. "Put her on the bed," she said gently.
Lan stood and carefully lowered Moiraine down onto the mattress, watching her wince as her body straightened out and he stepped back. Alanna smiled over her shoulder at him. "I'll be as quick as I can."
Lan left the tent. She was safe with Alanna, and the arrival of someone else into their shared space had caused a spike in vulnerability that he wasn't comfortable with. He needed air.
Ihvon and Maksim caught his gaze as he stepped out the tent, but Lan couldn't deal with that now. Instead, he turned and walked off into the darkness at the edge of the clearing, behind the tent. He found a secluded spot out of sight and sank to the ground. Now that the adrenaline of the moment had worn off, the full weight of the evening came crashing down on him. Tears welled in his eyes and his brought the palms of his hands up to cover them. Alone in the darkness, where no one could see, Lan allowed himself to feel everything at once. He tried to hide some of it from Moiraine, feeling that she was now completely conscious and being healed back in the tent, but he knew that he couldn't hide it all. In some ways, that brought him comfort, knowing that he wouldn't have to repeat anything to her, that she'd just know. He could feel her at the edge of his senses, respectfully giving him space, but being present all the same.
A couple of minutes went by and Lan started to feel the weight lift, his body having done its job in physically processing some of the trauma. By now he could feel that Alanna had finished and Moiraine was more or less ok. Taking a deep breath, he stood up. He returned to the front of the tent just as Alanna was leaving, who gave him a smile as she stepped past him. Lan nodded in profound appreciation and entered the tent.
Moiraine was sat on her bed, a warmness in her eyes that had been missing maybe an hour or so beforehand. She smiled and patted the space next to her. Lan joined her, and for a few minutes they just sat in silence, just comfortable in each other's presence. Surprising both of them, it was Lan that spoke first.
"That's the first time that…I really felt that this was it."
"So did I," she replied, a hint of morbid laughter in a voice.
Lan looked at her, more in awe than in offense. "Light Moiraine, how do you find humour in this," he spoke softly.
"It is what it is, Lan," she spoke with a more seriousness tone. "The wheel weaves as the wheel wills. If I don't find some humour in it, what's the point."
"I wish I had as much trust in the pattern as you do, Moiraine." Lan had always admired her deep trust in the turn of the wheel. Within the first few weeks of meeting, she had told him of her unwavering believe that Siuan and her would find each other in each life. That the commitment she'd made to her mission in this life, to finding the Dragon Reborn, in no way overrode her commitment to Siuan. It was one of the things that he loved about her, that he leaned on for his strength. He smiled as he looked down at his feet.
Moiraine looked Lan over with a soft expression. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Lan took time to think over it genuinely, before reaching his hand out to encapsulate hers. "I don't think so. At least not yet."
Moiraine reached her arm around Lan and rested her head on his shoulder. "Well, I'm here whenever you decide you're ready to."
Lan felt a surge of love and appreciation through the bond, and he squeezed her hand in response. After a minute, he steeled himself up enough to ask, "do you mind if…."
"I thought you'd never ask," she teased, lifting her head and moving up along the bed. He stood to allow her to lift her legs up onto the sheet and lie herself down, making herself comfortable, before walking around the bedframe to join her, laying down behind her. He pulled one of the blankets up and over the two of them, and wrapped his arm around her, bringing his forehead to the back of her head. He inhaled her scent and for a while neither of them moved, enjoying the quiet comfort of the bond to do the communicating for them.
It wasn't often that they shared a bed, and when they did it was mostly for warmth, under a tarp up some forsaken mountain path, lest they freeze to death. But on occasion, when something like this happened, it helped to just be close. There was nothing romantic to it at all, both of them completely at ease in the trust of this magical intimate bond between two people who simply loved each other for the people they were.
Content, they lay like that for what seemed like hours, until Lan felt himself slowly falling into a, mostly, peaceful sleep. Just at the precipice of unconsciousness, he felt Moiraine let out a small laugh from in front of him and his curiosity spiked.
"You think you're having a bad day," Moiraine smirked, "I've just realised I've got to go back to writing Siuan's letter and explain how I let myself become target practise. She's going to come out here and impale me herself."
Lan smiled sleepily and murmured, "tell her how much I hate archers."