"Congratulations, marines!"
The crowd broke into cheers as the drill sergeant made the announcement, including us. Twelve weeks of hell, and now we were finally out of it. Eight, eighty-three; that was us, and with Kim at the front holding the flag.
Talk about rising through the ranks. As far as I knew, several officers were drawing lots already to see who'd take her, but for some reason she seemed quite content to stay where she was for now, even though our unit wasn't top of the class. With a whole lot more cheers the ranks finally broke, and pretty much everyone filed for the bleachers. I was one of the few who didn't have anyone out there, so I stayed behind. Shepard was still at Arcturus, didn't see much point to bring her out here.
A slap on my shoulder nearly threw me off my feet, together with a familiar call.
"Mindoir!" Jake said, flashing me a smile when I turned to him.
"Sup man, I thought you'd be off. Your folks didn't come?"
"No, they're there," he replied, pointing at the benches. "Just came to say goodbye, where are you off to?"
"Eleven twenty-five," I said. "Shipside patrols."
"Right, me too. I mean for New Year."
"… huh?"
He looked at my blank stare, and after a moment, he started laughing.
"Mindoir! You tellin' me you didn't know it's New Year coming?"
"I... had forgotten, yeah," I replied with a shrug. "I'll figure something out."
"Well, if you drop by Columbia hit me up bro. We'll celebrate in style."
He held up his fist, so I gave it a bump and smiled. "Will do. You have a good time bro. If not, I'll see you at Arcturus."
"You bet!"
Yeah, I hadn't even realized it was New Year coming. In fact, I had also forgotten my birthday, which had passed while we were training and I only realized when someone asked my age three weeks after the fact. It also meant Shepard was on break as well.
First Christmas after the Mindoir mess. That gave me a lot to think about. Yeah, I was on break for two weeks before my next assignment, so I was going to be there. But just me? Things hadn't been going great, and I wasn't sure whether the new year break would be the best time to settle things between the two of us.
If anything, a more normal celebration was probably what she needed. I thought about it hard, but came to the conclusion that I needed to ask for help.
And I knew just who to ask.
Hello Kitt!
How are things going at the ranch? And Joe? It's been pretty exciting around here. I just had my graduation today, I'm officially a marine. I'll be honest, I'm still surprised I survived this long. This place is crazy.
Don't tell the drill Sergeant I said that.
I... have a favour to ask. New Year is coming, and school's on break until then. I was wondering if I could send Aliana over for these two weeks? It's her first holiday after Mindoir, and I think she could probably use some support from a more normal family than just me. I'm sorry to put you on the spot like that, but I couldn't think of anyone else to ask for help.
Thank you. Say hi to Simon, Danielle, Hank, and Joe!
Roy.-
School was off, so for the last two days Shepard had pretty much been left alone. Most others were preparing for New Year's celebrations, so it had been very quiet.
She didn't mind. She knew Roy would be back soon, but for now, it felt like the whole galaxy had forgotten about her.
That's what you wanted, isn't it?
It didn't feel like it was. She wanted the noise to stop, but being alone wasn't stopping it. If anything, it was making it worse. She closed her eyes and curled on the sofa-bed. She just wanted... she didn't know what she wanted. Silence was a good start.
How long had it been, hours? Days? She didn't know, but she was jolted back to the present when her omni-tool chimed with a new message. She looked at it for several seconds, thinking whether she wanted to open it or not. It was probably Roy.
Maybe he wasn't coming home after all.
…
She wasn't sure what to think about that. But that was nowhere near as confusing a thought as reality. It was a message from Thomas. After the time she had spent in that house, and how very little the two of them had gelled over that time, a message from him was the last thing she had expected.
So, she started reading. Over. And over. Until she wasn't even seeing the words, she was simply trying to digest her thoughts.
It didn't make any sense.
She barely twitched when the door to the apartment opened, and Roy walked in.
"Hey Lana, I'm back!" he announced, pointing the obvious with a very chirp tone.
"Hey," Shepard replied, barely glancing up from her omni-tool. He looked happy. That was an unusual sight. She considered mentioning it, wondered why he was happy this time, but in the end she just went back to her omni-tool.
Roy took it in stride, though, and simply went to unpack his bag.
"What have you been up to? School's out, isn't it?"
"Just hanging out," Shepard replied.
"Uh-huh."
She heard him digging through the cryo-unit, and as expected, he came up empty.
"Lana, what have you been eating?"
Not a lot...
Yeah, she had polished all the leftovers in the last couple of days, and couldn't work up the energy to go shopping. She'd eventually be hungry enough to go hunting, but for now...
"You okay girl?" Roy said, stopping her mental excursion. She looked up, and saw he was still smiling. "You look... stumped."
"Stumped?"
"Confused. Are you working on a puzzle or something?"
"Or something." She paused, weighting the pros and cons of telling Roy.
Why wouldn't he know? He always knows.
Hiding her rising irritation, she flicked the projection on her omni-tool to show it to Roy.
"I got a message from Thomas."
"Thomas?" Well, at least he looked surprised. "What did he..."
His voice trailed off, muttering as he read the message. It was fascinating to see his face change and turn as he read, his brow furrowed more and more deeply. With a final shake of his head, he went to sit down and fired his own omni-tool.
"He's got it all wrong," Roy said.
"What?"
"I'm glad you're not here because you can't get in trouble with mom now," he paraphrased. "That's not the point. The point is that he had someone there that cared about him."
What is he talking about?
"So what? Carol's a-" Shepard stopped talking, and finished with a muttered "nevermind."
"The point is that you could have supported each other," Roy said, his voice irritatingly patient.
She left it at that, and a few minutes later her omni-tool pinged with an incoming message. Roy, of course. He had replied to Thomas' message, and copied her in.
Hello Thomas,
You may remember me. I'm Roy, the guy who showed up to pick up Aliana a couple of months back.
She just showed me the message you sent her, and I think you are looking at this the wrong way. Aliana and you were in it together, so to speak. Trying to drive her away was actually doing more harm than good to both of you. I know you had good intentions, I imagine you thought was that if she stopped trying to get along with you she'd stop getting verbal lashings from your parents.
Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. Sorry to say, but some people always find ways to fault others for the smallest of things. Trust me, I know. As I told you before, you just have to figure out where you want to go in life yourself, without them, and hang on until you can put your plan into effect.
But you don't have to do it alone. Keep in touch, Lana and I would love to hear from you on the regular.
And happy new year!
Roy.-
Shepard read the message and scowled. Yeah, now that it was on actual letters in front of her, it made sense. And of course, Roy had figured it out.
"Lana, you want to talk? You look-"
"Stumped?" she snapped.
"Angry."
"You figured that one out too, didn't you?" Shepard said. She turned to took at Roy. "You know everything, so why do you keep asking?"
"What? Lana, I-"
"Why don't you tell me what I'm supposed to do? Why don't you tell me why my family's dead! You were there! You could have saved them and you didn't!"
She didn't even know where she was going. She didn't even know why she was lashing out. Somewhere inside her she was aware of the kind of pain she was inflicting on Roy. Deep inside. And under that, the reason why she was doing it.
But all she had a mind for was her white hot anger.
"Why didn't you?!" she shouted.
"Because I couldn't!" Roy snapped.
Shepard jumped back in her seat as Roy yelled, as he too jumped, up to his feet. She wasn't sure what she had been expecting, but it probably wasn't that. Without another word, Roy turned around, took two steps, and punched the wall.
The sound of his punch echoed through the room like a gong, and for a long, silent while, neither of them moved. Shepard was trying to slow down her breathing, her heart was pumping hard. For once, she had no idea what Roy was going to do next.
It was Roy who broke the silence, speaking in a low, choked out voice.
"I couldn't," he said. "I was there. Right there. And screwed it up."
He shook his head and, without even looking at her, walked off and locked himself in the bathroom.
I can't believe I just did that. I just yelled at her.
A splash of cold water on the face was what I needed. Well, I needed a lot more, but that was all I had to work with. I needed to calm down.
Of all the things, she had found the one that had never stopped hurting. A day would hardly pass without me remembering that absolutely craptastic day. The one thing that had come out of that was that I had managed to take Shepard out of there. I had thought I had made a difference.
Apparently not. If anything, I might have made it worse. Had I not been there, I knew she'd have gotten away. Somehow. That was the story in the game. And she would remember the batarians when it came to hating somebody. Now, instead, she had me.
Worse still, she was right.
With a deep breath, I wiped my face and stepped outside. Time to face the music. I had no idea where this was going to lead now. It'd probably be best if she left.
Didn't think I'd ever say that.
Shepard was still sitting in the same spot, and looked at me with the same scared expression she had when I snapped.
I hated that.
"I'm sorry Lana," I said. I nearly called her Ali, but I didn't think I could anymore. "I shouldn't have snapped at you like that. I'm really sorry."
She shook her head. "I deserved that," she said, speaking in a small voice.
"No," I replied. I sat down with a sigh. "You really didn't. I did."
"N-"
"You're right, I screwed up. Big time."
I couldn't look her in the face. Instead, I looked at my hands. They were hard and callused, I was amazed at how fast they had roughened up. It was the same for my forearms, they looked solid, visible veins running over them. For all the work I had put in the gym back in the twenty-first century, apparently all I needed was a twelve-week regime of military ass-whooping. And a few gene mods.
My mind was wandering off because I couldn't figure out how to put my thoughts into words. Could I apologize, truly apologize, and make it better? How does one apologize for being responsible for her losing her entire family?
I couldn't take the silence anymore.
"I wish more than anything that I could go back. If I could go now..."
If whatever or whoever brought me here could bring me back...
I clenched my fists. I knew I couldn't stop the invasion, but if I had been there now, with a bootcamp behind me and a full load of gear, I'd take a lot more batarians down.
"I was the wrong person," I continued. "Right place, right time... wrong person."
"… you saved me."
"You didn't need my help," I replied.
"I did. And because of me... because of me..."
"What?" Now it was her turn not to look me in the face. "It sure as hell wasn't your fault."
"I couldn't do anything!"
I was about to reply, but paused for a moment. She was blaming herself. Because she couldn't do anything? Didn't she just...
"How could it be your fault? I'm the one who couldn't do anything."
"But-" She stopped talking, because she ran exactly into the loop I had set up. Either we were both to blame, or neither of us were if she didn't want to blame me.
"You can't blame youself, Ali." Damn, I didn't want to say her name like that. "You couldn't do anything. You couldn't."
"Like you?"
Oh, damn. Clever girl.
"… apparently." I waited until she looked up, and we made eye contact. "Don't go down that way. Blaming yourself. Hurting yourself."
She looked away immediately. Yes, I was right. She wanted me to lash out at her. Fuck, that was not good at all.
"Ali, look at me," I said. She did. "You don't go down that way." When she didn't answer, I did the only thing I could think of. "Maybe you don't care about yourself... but I do."
"Why? Why do you care so much?"
"Ali..."
"No! Why me? Why not the others? The first thing you did was get rid of us!"
I paused to put my thoughts in order, and nodded. "Fair point. It was because I care."
"...what?"
"Haven't you noticed? I don't have a clue what I'm doing. I thought the best for all of you was to find a good family to help you. People who knew what normal is, remember?"
"Right."
She gave me a skeptical look, but this time I was actually being quite straightforward. Backfired when it came to the family she ended up with, but that really wasn't the idea.
Hello Roy,
Things are going quite well at the ranch, we are preparing for the New Year celebration. We do make a bit of a fuss about it around these parts.
Which brings me to your request. We will not be taking Aliana in for the holidays, you will both be coming unless you have an excellent excuse for yourself. Given how you just completed bootcamp, Simon tells me you won't be assigned until the New Year, so that one excuse won't fly.
We're all looking forward to seeing you.
Kitt.
Being back on Earth felt strange. While I had been here during bootcamp, it didn't actually feel like Earth. Being as it was this high tech retreat, so to speak, it felt surreal. It was the place where I was getting really used to the future. Now, arriving to Florida, it was more real. If that made sense. I hadn't visited Florida much back in my day, only been through two times for less than a week each, but I could tell it looked weird. Miami was and wasn't like I remembered. We were just passing through, we had a shuttle waiting – which was like taking the freaking bus – and we were off to the middle of freaking nowhere in Louisiana, about fifty miles north of Lafayette.
Air travel did feel kind of familiar.
Shuttle dropped us at Lafayette, where Kitt and Simon were waiting for us. They had no problem spotting us, mostly thanks to my orange Portal 2 vest – it was about the only non-military thing I had to wear, together with my surviving old jeans – which made me stand out like a sore thumb.
"Roy! Aliana!"
I saw Kitt waving, so I waved back. Tall, blonde, she really stood out in the crowd. It was odd because I knew she wasn't that old, and people in the future seemed to age at half pace. Yet she seemed to have a somewhat weathered face, lots of lines showing up when she smiled. Happy lines, too, one could see how they followed her smile.
Lana was right next to me, so I have her a quick nod for her to follow, and we made our way through the crowd. She hadn't said much during the trip. She hadn't said much since our argument, in fact. She had taken the idea of going down to the ranch for the New Year with a mere shrug.
"Kitt, good to see you. Thanks for having us."
"Oh what nonsense, it's great to have you two." She gave me a hug, and Simon offered a very firm handshake too. "How are you doing dear?" she continued, giving Lana a hug too. I saw Shepard go slightly stiff, but she didn't complain out loud.
"I'm okay," she replied.
"Welcome Roy," Simon said, dragging me away while the two women – mostly Kitt – kept talking. "Fresh out of bootcamp too, right?"
"Yes sir," I replied automatically.
"Don't you sir me. I haven't been in service since '67." I saw him rubbing his right leg as we walked, and noticed the slightest limp into his step. Or maybe I imagined it, because it was gone as soon as I did.
"Can't help it," I said, and snickered. "Kinda drilled into me by the sarge."
"Yeah." He looked me up and down and nodded. "You look different."
"I blame the gene mods."
"Hah! Nah, you're walking straight now." He slapped me hard on the shoulder, and nodded satisfied when I didn't stumble. "It's good to see. Hows your girl doing?"
"Lana?" I paused for a moment. "We're still trying to figure it out."
He took a moment to think about my response, nodding. I could imagine he had been through something similar with Joe.
"I'm sure you will," he said.
"I hope so."
When we arrived to their car, we loaded up the bags and got in without much ceremony. Kitt left the front seat for me, and got in the back with Lana. We then took off, which was a very relaxed affair given that, in traffic, the onboard VI was made to take over the driving.
I gave a glance to the two women. Ali was politely making a little conversation, but I could tell she was still listening to Simon and I.
"To be honest, it wasn't that hard for me," I said, picking the thread again. "I'm not actually from Mindoir, I just got there when the attack came. Hell of a welcome."
"That so. Where ya from anyway?"
"I was born in Europe, but moved out as soon as I turned eighteen."
"Mindoir?"
Erm, oops? "No, no, I was in New Zealand for a while."
Oh wow, that got me a look again. Wait, what is wrong with New Zealand in the future?
"The hell were you doing down there?"
"Well, it's as far as I could get from Europe, really."
"I'd say," he replied, but didn't elaborate.
Note to self: Look up New Zealand.
Arriving to the ranch didn't take too long. The car was fast, and unsettling given how fast it was going with nobody touching the steering wheel. We arrived to see their kids, Danielle and Hank, come running towards the car. Joe was there too, looking at us from the door. The house was huge, and from outside looked very old-fashioned as well. I couldn't stop looking, it was like a house stuck out of time.
After a quick exchange of greetings, including a firm handshake with Joe, who I actually saw almost smile for a moment, the kids and Ali all scampered off, and Simon led me inside with another slap on the shoulder.
"Welcome to our house," he said, and sounded quite proud at that.
It really was like a house stuck out of time. It felt like home back in the twenty-first. Oh, there were details that reminded me I was out in the Mass Effect future universe. The stove in the kitchen was a modern one, and so was the cryo-unit (much better than the old fridges back in the day, kept food fresher for much, much longer). But the furniture looked normal, comfortable. And not only that, there was an actual, honest-to-goodness fireplace in the living room.
When I turned to look at Simon, I saw he had a smile on his face. He seemed very satisfied with what he was showing, which, when I thought about it, was probably to be expected.
"Very nice place. Quite the retro look," I said, mirroring his smile.
"Normally I get more of a reaction than that," Simon chuckled.
"Sorry," I replied, shaking my head, but he only laughed in response.
Yeah, I bet this was an unusual house, this far in the future. I wondered what Simon did for a living. I knew Kitt came from a rather well to do family, and had a very successful fashion business, but hadn't heard from Simon. The only reason I had heard about Kitt was that she kept sending designer clothes to Lana.
I figured I could at least give a wander around and look at the old stuff they had kicking about. If it was anything like the shop where I sold my watch, half the antiques would likely be rather futuristic for me. It didn't take me long to find his coin collection, displayed prominently in one of the cabinets. It was quite a sight, because physical coins had been taken out of circulation some time ago. It was all digital pan-galactic credits nowadays.
"Oh wow," I said, leaning forward to take a closer look. Several of them were collections of American coins, going all the way to... 2117? Freaking hell!
"Ah, our old coins."
"You collect them I see?" I said. There were some Pacific Federation coins from the 2100s too. Huh, I really had to get myself up to speed with Earth History.
Then again, I probably had better ways to spend my time.
"It's good fun for all the family," he replied, and pointed at a box on the ground. I opened it, and saw a veritable pile of old coins.
"Friggin' hell!"
"I get the kids to sort them whenever they're bored. Sometimes, they even find something good," he said, giving me a wink.
Or they find something you put in, heh.
In my mind, that was actually perfect. I had a handful of change in my wallet still. Which brought my thoughts to the fact that I was still carrying my old wallet around. Like I was expecting someone would ask me for ID, and I'd produce my 2012-issued driver's license.
Maybe I should get rid of that one.
"Come on, give me a hand with the heater," he said, pointing at the fireplace.
"Wood chopping?" I said, having fruitlessly looked around for wood.
"Wood chopping," he repeated, giving me a grin.
Shepard had followed the others inside. After dropping bags and being shown around – including her room, which she was going to share with Danielle – they headed off, towards the stables.
"You like horses?" Danielle said.
"I guess... I rode a horse a few times back- back on Mindoir."
"Well great! Let's go for a ride then!" she checked her omni-tool, and nodded to herself. "We've got time."
The stables were a good ten minutes away from the house, and it almost looked like its own world. There were lots of people around, and plenty of activity with the animals being handled all over the place.
"Mister Ridge!" Danielle called, waving vigorously, blond curls jumping up and down.
The weathered old man waved back, but didn't say anything until they were a lot closer. He was a broad shouldered and strong looking fellow, with dark sun-tanned skin and bushy eyebrows.
"Hello my darling, here for a ride?" he said. "Who's your friend?"
"This is Aliana. Lana, this is Mister Ridge!"
"Pleasure miss," he said.
"Likewise," Shepard replied.
"Can we take the horses out?" Danielle said.
"Can't see why not," Ridge said. "You ride too, miss?"
"I guess," Shepard replied with a shrug.
"You can ride Albian! He's very nice, you'll see!" Danielle said, gesturing for them all to follow, and leading the way.
Shepard took a look at Hank and Joe, the latter following the former without saying much. He had been doing that ever since they had arrived, following Hank and almost hiding behind him, but all the while shooting glances at her. He had exchanged a couple of words with Roy, but he hadn't said a word to her.
Maybe her being there was bringing up bad memories.
She didn't need anyone to remind her. All her bad memories were right at the surface. And the sounds and sights were all too familiar, too. They didn't help.
There were a lot of horses waiting for them, and Danielle spent several minutes on each one, almost like she was introducing her best friends to Shepard. Names, quirks, hobbies and favourite movies... Maybe not the latter, but she did seem to have a great deal of knowledge about all of them.
Then they came to Valkyrie.
"Oh my giddy aunt," Shepard muttered.
It had to be the biggest horse she had ever seen. It could possibly be the biggest living thing she had ever seen, minus perhaps the giant oak they had in their family home back on Mindoir. She stood tall and proud, muscles bulging and twitching whenever she shifted. Then, Danielle raised her had, and the enormous horse bent down and started nibbling at it with her lips.
"She's my horse," Danielle said, a huge smile on her face. "We've been friends since we were born."
"Really?"
"Yeah! We have the same birthday!" she said, scratching the horse behind the ear.
"How... how tall is she?"
"Twenty-one and a half hands. That's about seven feet two inches," she added, and put her hand above her head. "From the ground to the shoulder."
Unconsciously, Shepard took a step back, looking at the beast. She had a very uniform light grey colour, with white "socks" and a very long, very well groomed mane. And no matter how peacefully she stood there, happily letting Danielle pet her like a cat, she was rather scary.
"Don't be like that," Hank said, coming from behind and putting his hand on her shoulder. "She's very nice."
He took Shepard's hand and coaxed closer to reach and touch the horse's face. Valkyrie turned to look at her, sniffed at her hand with her enormous nostrils, then reached forward to rub her nose on Shepard's hand.
She couldn't help but giggle at that.
"Come on, let's go!"
Getting her own horse ready – a pinto horse of a much more manageable size – was a breeze compared to getting Valkyrie ready. And the way Danielle climbed up to the top of that mountain of horse, well, it looked like she had truly done that all her life.
Hank and Joe both rode on the same horse, a larger jet black Quarter horse that seemed very content to carry the both of them. Danielle led the way, and soon they were making their way away from the work area and onto the open terrain. Even though it was winter, the temperature was mild, and the sun was making its presence felt even through the irregular cloud cover.
It was a perfect day for riding. Shepard hadn't been on a horse in years, but she did remember the basics. Her horse was indeed as easy going as she had been promised, following Valkyrie around and giving Shepard an easy, smooth ride. They made their way down to a small stream, and paced along the edge and under a light canopy of trees.
"So what do you think?" Danielle said.
Shepard made an effort to smile, and nodded. "It's coming back," she said.
"Back as in Mindoir?" Danielle said.
"Danny!" Hank shouted.
"What?" she replied, shrugging.
"It's fine," Shepard said. "No, I meant the lat time I rode."
"Good, let's put some spirit to it!"
She leaned forward and tapped Valkyrie's neck, and the horse immediately picked up the pace, leading the small party away at a light trot. There passed the trees and left the creek behind, and soon there was nothing but endless grass around them.
The colour was wrong. The sky was wrong. And yet, it was all so... familiar. No cows in sight, but she could almost imagine them past the nearby hill. Memories came flooding back. Good memories, great memories, and then, the day of the attack. The batarians. The desperate run towards the forest. The feeling that her heart was going to explode when the searing pain in her leg was quickly followed by a painful fall.
Run, run!
She grabbed the reins tighter, and spurred her horse on. The animal responded eagerly, pushing forward and tearing away from the group. She didn't hear the calls from the others, she didn't hear anything. She was just feeling, a primal response to a deep fear. Run. Run fast. The wind on her face, hair whipping the back of her head, the sound of the fast gallop of her horse. It was all so simple.
"LANA!"
The shout brought her back to reality, as well as the black horse passing her. She stood back, easing her pressure and letting her horse slow down. She could see the steam from the animal's deep breaths, as well as the sweat on his neck.
"What are you doing?" Hank said. He didn't sound angry, but he was stern. Joe was nowhere to be seen, he must have left him behind to chase after her.
"I..." Shepard was breathing as hard as her horse, her heart thumping inside her chest against her ribcage. "I don't..."
"… are you okay?"
"Yes! I'm... yes," she stumbled over the words, trying to put into words how she was feeling. The speed, the adrenalin, it was just too much. She couldn't decide whether she was feeling happy. It had been so long since she had felt happy she couldn't be sure that was it.
She didn't even know if she wanted it to be.
Hank gave her time to try and sort out her head, and more importantly, for the horse to recover his breath. He led them away towards the others, who had been left in the dust far, far behind.
"Wow," Shepard said, finally breaking the silence. "I didn't even notice..."
Hank looked at her, offering a smile that didn't hide the confusion in his eyes. She had taken off without even a warning, and had given nothing but confusion as an explanation.
As they walked back, Shepard leaned over to tap her horse's neck.
"Thanks," she whispered. The horse, sadly, didn't reply.
A bit over a hundred and fifty years in the future, and some things hadn't changed. There was still a Christmas dinner to be had – even though religion in general was on the decline, something to do with the discovery of alien life – and presents to be given. And preparations started two days before. I managed to sneak out on Christmas Eve to the city, and got two things I needed. One, a present for Shepard. Two, an appropriate display case for the coins I was going to give our hosts as a present.
That went down a treat. The guy at the shop was besides himself with the quality of the coins I had, specially the one New Zealand dollar coin (it was dated 1999). I traded him an extra twenty cents one for everything I needed and some change. Good times.
Christmas dinner had never been a very special thing for me. I mostly endured it, as it was usually the time where my mother would get drunk in an "acceptable" way, my father would join her, lots of shit would be flung related to the rest of the year, and we all had to make an effort to show some, in my case fake, holiday cheer.
Not great.
In this case, for me, it had been more awkward than anything else. At least at first. Simon had made an effort to steer our conversation towards bootcamp and his time in the navy, and after a while I was actually able to relax and enjoy it. It was a smaller affair – Christmas having fallen out of favour as people steered more towards the New Year celebrations – and altogether it ended up quite an enjoyable time. I tried to keep an ear open for the teens' conversations, but Simon kept pulling me out of that.
In his own words, just let them hash it out. Shepard, for once, did look more relaxed than usual. Joe, though, was still quiet and taciturn. Far from opening up now that Shepard was around, he seemed to close up more. Or so Kitt had said. Worrisome, perhaps, but they didn't let it break the normalcy of their family life.
If that was what normal looked like, at least.
We went on for quite a while. Dinner, after-dinner, we sat down for a drink by the fireplace while the kids played some kind of board/omni-tool mix game, then it was just the adults, until it was just me. I was going to stay a few more minutes nursing my brandy while everyone else went to bed.
"Can't sleep?"
"Eh?" I looked up to see Simon in his sleepwear, giving me a look. When I looked at the clock above the fireplace I saw why. Four in the morning.
Make that a few more hours after everyone went to bed.
"I guess so," I said. "Sorry, didn't mean to wake you."
"You didn't," he replied, sitting down on the sofa next to mine. The fire was all but consumed, only a few embers remained. "Just ate too much," he added, tapping his stomach. It sounded like he was tapping a tree trunk.
We sat in comfortable silence for a while. I had been staring at the fire the whole time, and in truth, hadn't done a lot of thinking. It was simply... there.
"You look a million miles away," Simon said.
"Or a couple hundred years," I replied. "Just haven't done this in a while."
"Finding it hard to adjust, are you? My first time back from camp was like that. You think you're used to it, then you come home and find you missed the weirdest normal things."
"Yeah. It's not just bootcamp, it's..." Not something I can really explain without him thinking I'm section 9. "Ever since I arrived on Mindoir, it doesn't feel quite real. Like I can't fit in."
"Can't imagine what that's like," Simon said. We fell into silence again for a while, until he broke it with the question I had least expected. "Ever thought of going back?"
"Back? To Mindoir?"
"Yeah."
"… I haven't really thought of it, no."
"Joe's been bringing it up." He shook his head. "He wants to go back. I don't think it's a good idea, but I just can't figure out whether it'd do him more harm than good or not."
I leaned back on the sofa, my eyes drifting up on the ceiling while I thought. Would Shepard want to go visit the old farm? It wouldn't be good, would it? Or at least it wouldn't be enjoyable. Would it help get closure?
Trying to imagine going back to my own time, and finding the place destroyed, didn't help one iota. Maybe I should look up current pictures of New Zealand.
"I don't know," I finally said. "I'm trying to imagine what Lana would... How she would take it. I don't know if it'd bring her closure or just bad memories. It took a lot just for her to talk about her family at all."
Simon nodded in understanding at that. "Joe's been... He's still getting used to it. Sometimes he'll call us for something, and sometimes he'll call mom or dad and look confused for a moment when we show up. It's just a moment, but..."
"Yeah. He does look a little quiet, is it me, or...?"
"He's been like that all Christmas. Family was Christian, apparently. They made a big deal out of it."
"Oh."
Going back to Mindoir. Maybe I should ask Shepard about it.
New year's celebrations. Back on Mindoir it wasn't much of an affair. Due to season differences with Earth, the calendar had them in the middle of harvest season, at least in the main continent on the south half of the planet. People were too busy to stop for a week and celebrate anything.
Here on Earth, they sure seemed to go all out. They had been up since the crack of dawn preparing dinner, a small army of friends and relatives had shown up, and now it was complete chaos out there. Organized chaos. Kids were running everywhere, a whole pig was put on a spit and was slowly roasting over an open fire – with people taking turns to spin it, by hand – and adults kept coming and going, she didn't know where.
In the midst of all that, Shepard had sneaked out and made her way to the stables. It was quiet there, the animals had been fed and cared for, and now they were all quietly resting in their stalls. She was greeted by a dozen heads turning her way when she stepped in, but not a single human one.
Quiet. She liked that.
She made her way to the pinto horse, whose name Albian, and the horse reached out to sniff at her offered hand.
"Hi there," she said, patting the animal on the neck. "Remember me?"
No answer, of course, which is what she needed. No questions, no answers. Just some quiet-
"Hey Lana!"
-time.
"Hey Danny," Shepard replied.
"What are you doing? The party's just getting started!"
"Just needed a bit of quiet time," Shepard said, trying very hard not to sound snappish.
"Oh. Well, if you want to go for a ride, mom wants me to take the girls out tomorrow morning. I think she just wants them out of the house so they can sleep in."
"I'd like that," she replied, and patted the pinto horse again.
"Here," she said, and pulled something out of her pocket. It was half a carrot. "I brought a few," she added with a wink.
She took another one and went to feed Valkyrie, while Shepard offered the treat to her horse. He nibbled eagerly with his lips, not really biting until she let go of the vegetable.
Must be nice. All you need to be happy is a carrot and a pat.
"Lana, can I ask you something?"
"Sure?"
"I don't know what to do about Joe. I mean, we want to help him and, you know, be normal again and... I don't know what to do."
She hadn't actually asked the question, but it was implied clearly enough. She looked at Shepard with big clear eyes, and an intensity that almost hurt to see. What did she want? A miracle cure? If she knew, she wouldn't-
Shepard put the brakes on that train of thought. No, she wasn't going to let herself lash at her. She was asking out of genuine concern, it was easy enough to see.
"I don't know," She finally replied, letting a sigh out. "I feel like that too sometimes. Most of the time." She shook her head. "It's just easy if people leave you alone. But..."
"...but?"
"Roy doesn't let me," she added. Without warning, or even knowing why, she laughed softly. "He's a million miles away, and even then he manages to push me and get me out there. Do things. Talk with people. And all he gets as a thanks is me yelling at him."
She didn't look up again, or say anything, until Danielle came closer and put a hand on her shoulder.
"Are you okay Lana? I mean... I know, but I mean now."
"Yeah... Just wondering why."
"Why?"
"Why is he making all that effort? Why me? Why?"
"I dunno, he wants to help you?" she offered.
It was such a simple reply that it threw Shepard completely off. Why would he want to? Why would anyone want to? "But why?" she insisted.
"Does it matter? I mean, it's like me asking why my family's nice to me. I dunno, I'm just glad I have them."
"He's not family," Shepard retorted, her voice sharp. She hadn't even thought about it, the reply had jumped before the thought had even registered.
"...I know," Danielle said, her demeanour dejected. To her surprise, the answer seemed to completely deflate the girl. "It's the same with Joe. We can try but... he's not letting us be his family either."
Way to go Shepard, you just punted a puppy.
"I didn't mean..."
"It's okay," she interrupted, and forced a smile on her face. "I still want to be Joe's big sister. I always wanted to be a big sister."
Their conversation was cut short by a distant and very sudden report. Shepard felt her heart bump against her ribcage in her chest, but the widening of the girl's smile very quickly dispelled her subconscious fears.
"Fireworks!"
"What?"
"The fireworks! That's the first warning, come on! We don't want to miss them!"
She grabbed Shepard by the hand and rushed out, dragging her away as they both made hay, not towards the house, but towards the nearby hill. The rest of the party seemed to have taken the clue, too, as the throng of people were slowly migrating towards the hill. The sun was low on the horizon now, and the moon was starting to rise on the opposite side. That was strange for Shepard, too; the moon didn't look right. Earth's moon.
"Fireworks at this time?" Shepard said, now free of the girl's hand and running by herself.
"Not yet! That's the first warning, but we gotta run if we want a good spot before it gets dark!"
A good spot was a relative term. It greatly depended on where other people, specially taller people, set camp. They got there before most of the rest, but not before Joe and Hank.
"Hey Danielle!" Hank called, waving. They were sitting on the ground on a blanket, and by the looks of it they had brought pre-dinner snacks too. There was a basket sitting by him.
"Nice!" Danielle replied, huffing to get her breath back. "You got some apples too?"
"Right here!"
A second firecracker went off above their heads, which was received with loud cheers by all in attendance. By all except Joe, who gave a sudden start and looked around in almost a panic. Nobody noticed, because it was gone as quickly as it had happened, nobody except Shepard.
"Hey Joe," she said, sitting by the young man. "You okay?"
He nodded vigorously, but didn't answer out loud. Shepard gave him a light slap on the back, and went for the picnic basket herself. To her surprise, and delight, she found there were mangoes inside too. She took one and gave it a good look. Smallish, deep red, very ripe.
"I love mangoes," she said, to no one in particular.
"Me too," Danielle replied, "but they're so hard to eat without making a mess..."
"Ah, it's easy," Shepard replied. "It's really ripe, look."
With that, she put the mango between her hands, and started squeezing and turning it around, rubbing vigorously to soften the pulp inside. When she was done, she bit off the small end, and then it was a matter to suck the soft inside through the hole.
"Wow! I'd have never thought of that, I've gotta try!"
Danielle's try was not as successful, as she squeezed a bit too hard, and ended up with juice running down her chin. The fact that she started laughing mid-squeeze and nearly chocked on the juice didn't help, and thus ended up making a big mess anyway.
They spent their time just making silly small talk, laughing, and in Shepard's case, watching the people around them. Families, relatives, friends, it was all so... normal. She had almost forgotten what that was like. All the time she had spent cooped up inside Arcturus station, she thought that was what she wanted.
Not she wasn't so sure. She thought she could never get used to normal again. She thought she didn't want normal again.
Maybe she did.
A third fireckacker boomed in the distance. The sun was gone, the sky was clear, and everyone started cheering and calling for everyone else to sit down. It was finally starting.
As the first fireworks shot in the air, Shepard scooted closer to Joe, and grabbed his hand.
"Hey Joe," she said, speaking at a whisper. "You sure you're okay with the fireworks?"
The boy nodded again. Shepard made a point of looking at Danielle and her brother, and then looked at Joe again.
"You know, they'll never replace our families." She paused for a moment, weighting whether to go on or not. Joe wasn't looking at her directly, but he was listening, and glancing at her out of the corner of his eye. "But you should give them a chance. I know it's hard, but... Just try."
The fireworks were now going at full tilt, accompanied with plenty of childish yells and squeals. Joe looked at Shepard, she looked back at him, and smiled. For the first time in a long time, she truly felt like smiling.
Author's Notes: You can take the farm girl out of the farm, but you can't take the farm out of the farm girl. And maybe a semblance of normalcy. Of course, the best laid plans of mice and men, and all that.
I do repeat myself, but goodness, so much positive feedback, thanks a lot! Over 200 faves and 300 follows, wowza!
WomanSlayer: Thanks for the correction! Yeah, I likely won't change it, but it's good to know :)
Next time, hopefully before New Year, we're going to see a real change of pace. Until then, ta-ta!