Orange used his light to forcibly restrain Kakashi, wrapping streams of light that looked like ribbons all around his body until Kakashi looked like he was going to a festival. They were not tight; it was possible to move freely. But Kakashi could not release any darkness from his body without experiencing instant paralyzing pain.
He didn't mind this. He didn't mind anything. He paced like a caged animal, his skin once again itching and burning from the force of Want. One minute, the world shrank down until it was small, puny, pathetic, no larger than the head of a pin, easily crushed. The next, it expanded until it was so hopelessly vast that Kakashi could not hope to find anything in it if he searched for a thousand years. Then the world seemed both small and large simultaneously. He picked up his pace, running from wall to wall and physically slamming himself into them, making his own teeth rattle, before bouncing off and repeating. The pain helped, but not nearly enough. No amount of pain could have brought his thoughts back into order, for they were flying like birds. He cried for precisely eighteen seconds, then seamlessly transitioned into rage-induced screeching. He shivered. He jumped for no apparent reason. He rolled head over heels across the floor, also for no apparent reason.
Orochimaru and Orange dutifully observed everything. "He is not well," Orochimaru said.
"Does not fill with joy," Orange agreed.
"Do you have any idea what's wrong with him?"
"Hmm… Was said that no gods are inside. No heart, no light. Persons in strange places can be without light. The look is duplicated."
Kakashi lay on the floor panting, his arms and legs spread wide. He thought he felt a little bit of relief. But then the voice inside said Want!, and off he went running again. He screamed.
"He often has anxious breakdowns," Orochimaru said. "This looks just like those, except that in the past he had enough self-control to avoid hurting himself in front of me."
I feel horrible. Horrible. Terrible. Too much. Too much! I can't stand to live like this! Kakashi started to shake all over. He sat down all at once, buried his face in his knees and sobbed.
Orochimaru turned away. "Make sure he doesn't destroy anything or anyone." He left the room without waiting for Orange to respond.
Orange knelt down, his movements slow and soft. "Dark one… Pain fills you," he called. His voice was a lifeline reaching across open space, trying to bring Kakashi back. "There cannot be any else."
Nothing else. Nothing else. The universe is pain. Existence is pain. There can't be anything else. Kakashi uncurled, leaped to his feet and punched the nearest wall just to feel the shock of it ripple through his bones.
"Yet, else there is. If else fills you, pain will not be every place."
I can't feel anything else. I can't. I can't.
"Fall over. Pour out. Then fill again. Else will maybe come."
Kakashi fell limply to the floor. Who knew how many concussions he had given himself. He tried to empty out like Orange said. That caused pain to surge through his body like electrical shocks, making him seize. It scared him. Aaaggghhh!
"Dark one…" Orange sounded very sad. He put his hand on the barrier of light that separated them.
Kakashi turned over and buried his face in the floor. He was running on empty and couldn't continue, yet had to continue, because this stupid body he lived in forced him to. Stupid body. Stupid life. Keep demanding things of me. But I can't, I can't, I can't. He felt the false world waiting and welcomed it. Please save me from this cruel world.
.
This was how his days passed. He alternately went into and out of the false world. All of his time in the real world was spent raging, mostly physically but sometimes with cutting words too. Orochimaru never visited him again when he was in this state. After hours of this, he would lapse into the false world and give a detailed report of everything that he had experienced. Orochimaru came to take notes, but did not talk to him.
Orange stayed in the base. Once the pattern became clear, he started to leave the room sometimes. Kakashi got the impression that he was becoming fast friends with Orochimaru. Friendship… I wonder what that is like. Didn't I feel that once? No, it was a delusion. Nothing that I have ever felt has been real. Sometimes Kakashi considered releasing darkness in order to feel the pain, in order to remind himself that he was real. But he didn't. I'm not real.
Orange tried everything. He brought Kakashi delicious food and urged him to pay special attention to it, told him things that the angels believed about how food contained a special form of life force. He performed guided meditations. He performed massages. He did all kinds of things, and all of them helped, but not enough. Never enough.
"I'm sorry for being such a bottomless pit," Kakashi told him.
"Many stories," Orange muttered. The angel didn't seem the slightest bit discouraged. Like Orochimaru, he was using this as an opportunity for experimentation, and he was mentally recording everything he could to take back to his people. "Many stories."
That got Kakashi thinking. He was not a scientist either by inclination or by training, but he could draw his own conclusions. Sometimes, when I'm in a bad state, it feels like I'm being forced to live without a fuel source. Are the gods fuel sources? Connecting to the world around me through my body does seem to give me energy. But I can't get enough of this energy through my body alone. The soul is the main absorber. But my soul cannot perform that function. Hmm… Perhaps I can reduce my energy needs? What do I use it for? Unfortunately, a comprehensive review of his experiences led him to conclude that he needed divine energy in order to think, feel, and operate his body. There was no way to reduce his needs. Why can't my soul absorb this energy? Is there a way to change that?
He relayed these thoughts to Orange and Orochimaru. Orange nodded; this was something that all angels instinctively understood. Orochimaru looked thoughtful. The day after being told this, he came back with a characteristic light in his eyes. "You've misidentified the source of the problem," he told Kakashi. Orange listened closely. "You always lack the ability to draw from this energy, but only sometimes do you feel pain because of it. The lack of energy, then, is not the cause of the pain. The true cause is your attempts to absorb energy! When you are in the false world, you don't attempt to absorb anything, and you don't feel bad. But when you try to and you can't, your failure frustrates you."
"But I can't live my whole life in the false world," Kakashi said. "If I am too deeply in that state or in it for too long, I run out of energy and lose the ability to even operate my body. My body will die if I do that."
"You alternate between holding your breath and gasping for air, never having the ability to take a deep breath," Orochimaru mused. "Hmm… Perhaps the little air you get can be enriched. The company of angels might help."
"That's exactly what meeting an unbodied angel did for me," Kakashi said. "It felt so wonderful that I lost the ability to tolerate living the way I lived before. I would rather die than go back."
"Orange, what are your thoughts?" Orochimaru asked.
Orange took down all barriers and knelt down at Kakashi's side to touch him. He squeezed the joints of Kakashi's hand between his fingers as if examining them for signs of arthritis. "How does your shape meet the gods?"
Good question. Let's see… What has helped me in the past… "Well, stimulation helps. Sights, sounds, exciting events, things that make my body more active - those increase the amount of energy I have. But too much of that can backfire. Resting, retreating from all stimulation, can also help, but only sometimes." His brow furrowed. "It changes constantly. It's so hard to keep track of."
Orochimaru hissed softly. "Dammit…"
"What?"
The snake looked away. He had something he wasn't willing to say. He took a deep breath, then let it out in a sigh. "If constant change is what you need… Then perhaps the ninja life really was good for you. This new life of relative domesticity might not be something you're capable of tolerating."
Kakashi stared at him. Hadn't they concluded long ago that the ninja life was bad for him and something that he also could not tolerate? It sounded like all of life was something that he could not tolerate. Once again, everything circled back to the central question: the question of life or death. If all else fails, Kurenai knows what to do…
"Dammit," Orochimaru swore again. He got up and left. I'm too much for him.
Orange held up his hands. They blazed with light. "Massage?"
Adding light to the massage increased its restorative power. Kakashi surprised himself by laughing. That was a sure sign that the false world was leaving; Orange would have to retreat behind another barrier soon. While he was still sane, Kakashi said, "I'm back to where I was a decade or so ago: suicidal, hurting the people who care for me, wondering if life is worth living. It's funny the way the world goes in circles."
"What finished that?" Orange asked.
"Huh? Oh… A team of new genin got assigned to me. I had to train them and look after them. It gave me something else to think about."
"New ones?" Orange asked. "New ones are close."
Kakashi realized he was talking about the pups. No. I couldn't stand for them to see me in this horrible sta-
Want.
On the other hand, i'm very needy. Something. Anything. He pushed himself off the floor. "Orange, please, come with me. I… I can't guarantee anyone's safety." Orange nodded. The angel escorted him up one level, then stopped in to tell Orochimaru they were leaving. The snake did not come out to say goodbye. That was a sure sign that he was still hurting. Kakashi didn't know how he felt about it, whether he liked his companion's pain or felt bad, as Orange escorted him the rest of the way out.
Being outside felt good. It made him all the more desperate. To keep himself from being stunned and dragged right back inside, Kakashi rolled in the snow. Even so, his hands shook. He knew Orange was being very gentle and permissive as they walked, then ran, all the way to the pack's territory. As they crested the hill that overlooked the miniature forest, Kakashi's legs shook and his heart pounded. Want. He growled softly, signaling that Orange should lead him the rest of the way.
The dense growth of the shrunken plants kept any snow from reaching the ground. The miniature forest was as warm as a giant den. The pack was enjoying a pleasant day, made all the more lively by new blood. Young pups just old enough to keep up with the adults while traveling chased each other around the paws of amused elders. The alpha female chuffed at one of her grandchildren who pawed at her left ear. They were a happy family. But that was before they smelled Kakashi's scent.
Upon smelling him, the grandmother wolf leaped to her feet, snarling. The other adults did likewise. The pups whimpered and ran to their mother, who had been napping but now woke up. She gathered them to her belly and stood directly over them, her fur bristling. A terrible sound came from her throat. She would die to protect her children.
Kakashi remembered that sound. His own mother had made it, just before dashing out into the storm. Now he was the storm. He was the tiger. He was the terror, the stalking thing in the night. He was the devastation and the void. He was the nightmare and the flashbacks. He was the screaming wail and the sudden silence, the loss, the loved ones who would never be seen or smelled again. He was disaster incarnate.
It felt wonderful. The rush of energy that this knowledge gave him as every hair on his body stood on end was badly needed. He wanted more. More, more, more. Want.
The entire pack took a defensive formation against him. But then, Orange reached out and wrapped even more light around his body. This light took the form of chains; they could be tightened if need be. The angel also sent out a soothing aura, a mild one, just to let them know that a full life-or-death battle was not imminent. The wolves closed their jaws, but their fur did not lower. They stared warily, alert for the slightest hint of ill intent.
Kakashi loved it. Being treated this way by his adopted pack hurt, but hurt was energy. It was life. He craved more of it. He sat down, temporarily satisfied. Very temporarily. This might last me about five minutes.
His mate let out a heartbroken whine. She'd finally recognized his scent. Her body language was tortured by indecision. Her lost love had come back, but now threatened their pups? What was this? She whined again.
Kakashi took deep breaths, trying to make himself seem like less of a threat. She would never let a pup leave her side unless she felt completely safe. He had to make himself completely relax, just for a moment. A moment would be enough. There were three pups, but he only needed one.
The alphas waved their tails, upset. They weren't any happier about his transformation than his mate was. Only the presence of an angel kept them from driving him from their territory forever.
Between the deep breaths, the angel, and his pack's rejection, Kakashi felt almost…normal. Like he had before losing his mind. That felt like a lifetime ago. His resolve wavered. Did he really want to hurt them? How could he? He wouldn't just take one of his children. He would be a loving, normal father to them all. He would be welcomed. He would have a place in this family again. If only…
If only I was real…
"I don't deserve this," he said. "This existence. They look at me and think they see a person, someone who they can love, but it's only an illusion. I'm not real. There is no one here."
"Life cannot be made or broken. It only moves," Orange said. "From where?"
Life is the angels' way of referring to energy. If they feel love, if they get energy from my presence, then that means I must have a real presence. Energy cannot be created or destroyed, so they must be getting it from somewhere. If I am a source of energy, then I am real. Kakashi shook his head. He didn't believe that. Other people always saw what they wanted to see. If they got joy from his existence, then the joy came from their own preconceptions. Not from him. Never from him.
His mate took one step toward him. Then a second. Cautiously, she moved closer, until she could stretch her neck out and just barely lick the tip of his nose. He shuddered. She retreated. What am I shuddering for? That's not the way to get what I want. They're not close enough. What the hell am I thinking? I don't want that. What do I want? He shivered again. His thoughts were scattering, the flock of birds getting ready to fly again. No! If I do, I will lose everything. Everything. Everything. Everything. The earth disappeared beneath his feet. He had nothing to rely on. Nothing and nobody was coming to help him. Want.
Orange gave him a hug. It wasn't enough. Kakashi tried to fight the rising tide of rage, but he despaired. I can't. I'm going to lose everything. Please, someone, help me, help me. His hands shook again. No help was coming. He only had a few more seconds before he would tear apart anything and anyone he could reach, just to see the horror in their eyes. He tried to tell Orange to take him out of there, but found that he couldn't. His throat had closed off. No!
He closed his eyes and saw a sea of anger and sadness. Wild waves swamped him, seconds from drowning him. He tried to fight, but he couldn't. Just as he went under…
Something bit his hand.
He surfaced just long enough to gasp. Head spinning, he opened his eyes and looked down. It was a young wolf, one of the pups. It sat on its hindquarters and chewed his hand. But the way it sat wasn't quite right, and neither was the way it held his hand with its front paws. The pup looked mostly like a wolf, but deformed in noticeably human ways. The rage threatened to swamp him again, but Kakashi fought it off. This is the one. I can train it. I… I… A mental image of Naruto flashed before his eyes. I can have that again.
He collapsed against Orange, shaking and sweaty. "Get me out of here," he whispered. "But… But I need this one."
His mate called the errant pup back to her side. The pup wouldn't be allowed to leave so easily. Kakashi was either going to have to kidnap it, or muster the strength to convince his pack he was safe. I can't do that. I'm doomed. Everything was too hard. He didn't have the strength for any of it. He should just give up, let the madness take him, it would be easier…
His eyes flew open as he hit the ground. Orange had moved aside, letting him fall. Kakashi curled up and shivered. I feel sick. Worse, he knew that at any moment rage might overtake him again. I'm so useless. I can't do anything. Anything.
His eyes opened again as he felt something licking his face. His vision was too bleary; he couldn't focus. His sense of smell told him it was his mate. She sat down, resting her front paws on his chest and touching her nose to his cheek. He gasped for breath. Her presence was not enough. But he clung to it, for it was all he had. She licked away his tears. He shivered more. Want.
She stayed with him. The pups came with her, sniffing him and climbing on him. His heart threatened to break. They were so loving, so forgiving, so… I love them. He sobbed. I love them. He took more deep breaths, fuller ones, because it was easier to breathe now. His eyes focused. I love them. He whined in sadness and gratitude, tried to nuzzle his mate. She leaped onto him, pinning him flat against the ground as she licked his face over and over in long, hard strokes. He didn't mind having his cheeks rubbed raw. He laughed and tried to get her back. When the side of his face was pressed against hers and her breath was hot on his neck, he felt whole. He felt like he could keep going.
This is real. He couldn't believe this thought had never occurred to him before. My experiences are real. How can they be real and I not be? If the events of a story are real, then so is the story. That's how it works. I must be real. She pulled her head back and looked him in the face. He felt ready to burst from happiness. There are other things besides pain. I found them before. I can find them again.
.
Orange stayed nearby, but there was no need for him. The other wolves were able to tell by scent and body language that the old Kakashi had returned. They greeted him as if he had gone on a long journey. He whined happily and waved his tail. The horror of what had happened to him lurked on the edge of his mind, but he refused to think about it. Not there. Not with them. He made a play bow and tussled with his pups. The other two were normally proportioned and played wolfish games, pouncing and stalking and wrestling with his hand. The deformed one acted more human, letting him push it over and onto its back. He could even tickle its belly. That was not normal wolf behavior. Kakashi picked up one of its front paws and examined it. The toes were not fused right or of the normal length. With a little bit of effort, they might be usable as fingers. Kakashi used his fingers to push two of them apart. They separated. He couldn't bend them like human fingers, but he could hold things between them…
He was surprised by his mate. She brushed against his left flank, rubbing against him in the established affection of a mated pair. Then she stood upright and looked down at the deformed pup, whining quietly. She knew this pup was different. Kakashi realized he was effectively pressing their palms together: a gesture of fellowship. He took his hand back and looked down at the pup, trying to hide his blush of shame. I can't believe I thought of taking him by force! The deformed pup wiggled onto his feet and looked up at his parents, looking curious. Kakashi yipped happily. The pup yipped back. Kakashi's mate nuzzled the side of his face. It was decided; he must raise this pup in his own ways. The ways of wolves were not suitable.
Kakashi knew instantly that he did not want to raise his pup in the old ways. He did not want his son to suffer the same way he had. I want to teach him to use his chakra as part of his body. I want to teach him the ninja arts as marvelous expressions of his potential. I don't want him to be doomed to being a weapon. What would that look like? How would that be trained? Surely he would have to use different methods than his senseis had used. He would have to make them up. The idea of making up traditions from scratch was daunting. Can I do it?
But then he heard rustling behind him and remembered that Orange was there. Do I have to? That was right; there already were people with different traditions. He didn't have to do it all himself. He had help. Kakashi realized he knew exactly where to start. A person is shaped by their name. If I mean for him to break from shinobi tradition, I must give him a name that reflects that! Shinobi are so often named for things: for their appearance, for animals and plants, for other members of their clan. That's right, it is possible to make up a name that is devoid of all those things. A name that is nothing more than a unique combination of sounds. A name that he can give meaning to as he sees fit, that does not decide his destiny for him. Kakashi tickled the pup behind the ears and smiled. "Why don't I call you Simo?" A name that can't be easily written, as well. Perfect!
He hesitated to take the pup from his mother, though. Where before he had contemplated kidnapping Simo by force, now he couldn't bring himself to separate them even though his mate would likely agree with it. I miss my mother. I lost her so young, and so suddenly. I can't inflict the same on him. All he would know is that a stranger appeared in his home one day, got friendly with the whole pack, and suddenly the stranger wants to take him away from his mother? That would be cruel. I must proceed more gradually. But is it safe to… Kakashi wondered if he was at risk of going insane again. He didn't feel close to the brink, but he hadn't before, either. I must risk it. I can't do that to him. He must get to know me first.
Kakashi turned to Orange and shook his head. He picked Simo up the same way he would have picked up a human baby and held him the same way, too, against his shoulder with Simo facing over his back. The pup tolerated this position well. That was good; he would need to get used to being treated like a human. Kakashi put him down and nuzzled his mate, then each of his pups, goodbye. He nudged Simo closer to her and waved his tail affectionately as Simo nestled against her heart. She lolled her tongue out. They understood each other. He left on good terms with all of his bonds restored.
"I don't know why that worked," he told Orange before the angel could say anything. "It was intense bodily stimulation, yes, but… I don't know. What's more important is that it did work. Help me make amends with Orochimaru. With his help, I might be able to keep this going."
Orange stayed silent all the way home. Just as he and Kakashi descended towards the doors, he said, "Dark ones make a false shape, yes?"
"Yeah. We're living illusions."
"All people fill with life because of working hand in hand with purpose. Heartbringers by bringing hearts, lightbringers by bringing light. If purpose says to make false shapes, then… Then making false shapes might be life."
Kakashi didn't know what to think about that. My life purpose is to create the ultimate illusion? But I don't want to create illusions. On second thought, hadn't he been happiest when he was imitating a human being most successfully? And just now, he had immersed himself so completely in the role of a wolf that he himself had felt that it was real. It doesn't hurt to have something to try.
He stopped before entering the room that Orochimaru was in. Nervousness made all of his hair stand on end. What the hell am I going to tell him?
.
A/N: Believe it or not, this chapter is an accurate representation of thoughts I've been having lately. I've always struggled to bond with other people. I don't even know what the word "bond" means - it seems to be a noun, describing something that just flat-out exists, but I cannot find any sign of its existence anywhere. The only way that I can find out that I have an ongoing relationship with someone is by doing detective work - "Hey, I've communicated with them at least once a week for 3 months. That is a sufficiently sustained length of time that I can safely say I'm not going anywhere! We must have a bond!" But I can't feel it. It's only a set of actions to me. I can't perceive anything linking those actions together. And truthfully...
Truthfully, I only ever seem to talk when I have something I want to say. I don't even remember most of the time that another person COULD have anything to say, and if I do I'm not really interested in hearing it unless it has some value to my own goals. If interacting with someone else does not help me in any way, I forget that they exist. There's no reason to believe that there is any enduring connection. I seem so loving and affectionate, but that's just because I read books on it. I don't have any love instinct. It's not a natural feeling for me. These are the thoughts I've been having lately.
Yet, if I really REALLY get into it, I feel something real. Every so often, I think I experience the sort of feeling that I read about in books. My dream, which I have had since childhood, is this: to learn so much and get so good at this love and bonding thing that someday it will become real. If I just learn enough, if I just try hard enough, maybe I will have these breakthrough moments more and more often until one day I can live the kind of life that other people lead, a life where I always feel connected to someone or other. Right now, there is only one being I always feel connected to, and that is myself. Even then, my bond with myself is shaky and I often neglect it. Maybe one day it will become something strong and enduring, something that can support me in times of upsetness. Because right now, there is nothing that can support me at such times. Nothing and no one.
I never went through the period of destructive insanity that Kakashi went through because I figured this out way before he did. As I said, striving to imitate love and affection until those feelings become real has been my dream since childhood. I've always had something to try, something to work on, a goal to give me hope for the future. The character from canon clearly did not figure things out in childhood; it was firmly established that he only became a functioning human being in adulthood. Hence why last chapter diverged so sharply from my own experience. Hopefully now events will proceed in a more sensical manner.
And I am so glad that after YEARS, Simo finally showed up! Oh my god it's been around 4 years that I've had this character in my mind. Hopefully that other character I've also had in mind for half a decade shows up soon.
Rarrrr! See you all hopefully sometime before Halloween!