I highly recommend reading this chapter on my AO3 profile (same username), as the formatting was created for AO3's formatting capabilities, something FFN is very lacking in. I did my best to recreate some sense of it here. Some additional context to help readability:
ronniekins is Ron's display name on Twitter, gingerwanker is his username
P. ✔ is Pansy's display name on Twitter, and the checkmark is to indicate that she's verified; pansyparkinson is her username
The same logic applies to both Hermione's and Harry's profiles.
One of Ron's tweets is just a meme. If you've never seen the meme, and since I can't link to anything on FFN, I recommend Googling "Apollo the gift of prophecy meme"—the first result is the correct one.
❤ shows the number of likes a tweet got; I did not include retweets.
Chapter 3. Introduction to Online Interactions
ronniekins / gingerwanker
everyone making "your mum" jokes on this bird app, but let me tall you. your mums got nothing on my boss. this man so dumb he's going to fall for a scam next.
❤ 10 | 5:10 AM - September 3, 2010
You've got Mail-Foy!
From: Draco Malfoy
To: Ronald Weasley
Subject: Press Conference
Press conference tomorrow, 5 PM. Please wear something appropriate because that suit makes you look like a penguin.
Draco Lucius Malfoy
Chief Executive Officer of Malfoy Industries
You've got Mail-Foy!
From: Ronald Weasley
To: Draco Malfoy
Subject: RE: Goodwill Initiative
Whatever you say, boss. What will this be about?
Ron Weasley
"Seer"
You've got Mail-Foy!
From: Draco Malfoy
To: Ronald Weasley
Subject: RE: RE: Press Conference
You'll put on a little show for the journalists so they forget about our latest… mishap. I want your performance to be fun, endearing, and heroic. Try to predict the next great fortune befalling our society.
Pansy will take you shopping for a suit this afternoon because I do not trust your judgment when it comes to fashion sense.
Draco Lucius Malfoy
Chief Executive Officer of Malfoy Industries
You've got Mail-Foy!
From: Ronald Weasley
To: Draco Malfoy
Subject: calling it a "mishap" is generous
How is this supposed to make them forget you invested a shitload of money into a scam?
P.S: I can't believe you thought the Sorcerer's Celestial Association of Magic was legit. They claimed to make brooms that would take you across the universe! You do know that's not possible, right? You'd die the minute you leave the stratosphere.
P.P.S: Can I go shopping with literally anyone else? Pansy's shampoo gives me a headache.
P.P.P.S: Also she's mean.
Ron Weasley,
"Seer"
You've got Mail-Foy!
From: Draco Malfoy
To: Ronald Weasley
Subject: well forgive me for trying to invest into innovation
I'm the head of the company, please show me some respect! And, in any case, I did not personally invest in that company. Adrian thought it was an ingenious idea, and he is the Chief Financial Officer. Who am I to distrust him?
P.S: She's the head of Human Resources, and clothing is part of the resources for the humans. It's her job! She told me that's how all HR departments operate. You will not escape this.
P.P.S: You're more of an asshat than she could ever be.
Draco Lucius Malfoy
Chief Executive Officer of Malfoy Industries
You've got Mail-Foy!
From: Ronald Weasley
To: Draco Malfoy
Subject: Malfoy the wanker will shove the stock market up his arse next week
Prediction for tomorrow's press conference in subject. Let me know what you think, bossman.
Also: I'm the head of the company
Who am I to distrust him?
P.S: LOL at Pansy lying to you so you would let her do as much shopping as she wants on the company time and dime. You're not so much the head of the company as its arse, Malfoy.
Ron Weasley
"Seer"
You've got Mail-Foy!
From: Human Resources
To: Ronald Weasley
Subject: [HR] [Automated] [Inappropriate Use of E-mail Privileges]
Dear employee,
An inappropriate e-mail has been flagged. Out of concern for the wellbeing of our employees, we have refrained from delivering your e-mail "Malfoy the wanker will shove the stock market up his arse next week" to draco .uk
A warning has been issued and added to your file following this incident. Please remember to remain civil in all interactions with your fellow workers, regardless of the communication method chosen.
Best regards,
Human Resources
ronniekins / gingerwanker
rofl, he DID fall for a scam? i know he's an idiot but i was making a JOKE! what's next? if i catch him shilling mandragoralife supplements in the office istg
❤ 23 | 6:43 PM - September 10, 2010
ronniekins / gingerwanker
anyway i'm out shopping with the head of HR now because god forbid anything in this company functions normally
❤ 5 | 6:45 PM - September 10, 2010
ronniekins / gingerwanker
she made me pick a purple suit... someone kmn. "it will complement demon boss' emerald green" who gives a shit lil miss flower this is a press conference not a game show
❤ 7 7:56 PM - September 10, 2010
P. ✔ / pansyparkinson
sometimes i spend time with men because of Job Things and honestly i would lowkey rather bathe in a tub of acid. this mf is testing my patience
❤ 23K | 7:59 PM - September 10, 2010
467 people are talking about this
ronniekins / gingerwanker
"are you scared wearing purple will make you look gay?" bitch i was already gay in the womb. bffr. i'm scared i'll turn into a teletubby, that's what i'm scared of
❤ 34 | 8:12 PM - September 10, 2010
P. ✔ / pansyparkinson
about to do something sneaky and illegal for the Vibes, the girls who get it get it, the girls who don't need to shut their mouths
❤ 67K 8:47 PM - September 10, 2010
2.3K people are talking about this
ronniekins / gingerwanker
yo she really tried to turn my hair blonde behind my back? 😭✋ girlie you're HR like do you even know laws. like even just one law
❤ 45 8:49 PM - September 10, 2010
7 people are talking about this
You've got Mail-Foy!
From: Ronald Weasley
To: Draco Malfoy
Subject: is Pansy head of HR or head of HaRpies because...
I will not dye my hair blonde for this stupid press conference!
Ron Weasley, "Seer"
ronniekins / gingerwanker
i'm starting to FREAK OUT here. they added a mandragoralife supplement bar in the cafeteria!
❤ 10 | 12:32 PM - September 13, 2010
3 people are talking about this
ronniekins / gingerwanker
[image of the meme symbolising Apollo, the gift of prophecy, embodied by a ball being thrown at "random Internet users just trying to be comedic"]
❤ 95 | 12:37 PM - September 13, 2010
16 people are talking about this
h | unemployment era / potterboy
replying to gingerwanker
Ron you're a Seer, not a random Internet user
❤ 37 | 12:46 PM - September 13, 2010
ronniekins / gingerwanker
replying to potterboy
not you too harry... you know it's propaganda! the ministry wants my head!
❤ 24 | 12:51 PM - September 13, 2010
h | unemployment era / potterboy
replying to gingerwanker
Bro, cat's out of the bag now! George has been placing bets on all the teams you joked would win 😂
❤ 12 | 1:13 PM - September 13, 2010
ronniekins / gingerwanker
replying to potterboy
you know what, good for him. he deserves to lose all that money after what he pulled with the old hag
❤ 9 | 1:20 PM - September 13, 2010
Hermione / crookskeeper
replying to gingerwanker and potterboy
You're both idiots.
❤ 37 | 1:37 PM - September 13, 2010
You've got Mail-Foy!
From: Ronald Weasley
To: Draco Malfoy
Subject: You know Mandragoralife is a scam right…
… Right?
Ron Weasley
"Seer"
You've got Mail-Foy!
From: Draco Malfoy
To: Ronald Weasley
Subject: RE: You know Mandragoralife is a scam right…
Weasley,
I'm very busy being the head of the company.
It's not a scam, they're supplements! I bought 10,000 boxes and I need to liquidate them. Please stop spamming me, you have no business acumen. Or you would be head of the company.
Best,
Draco Lucius Malfoy
Chief Executive Officer of Malfoy Industries
"Hermione, I do not understand how you ever became friends with Malfoy," Ron moaned as he walked into the kitchen.
"I already told you Ron, we're not having this discussion."
"I don't mean… it's not about that. I mean that he's an idiot. He got roped into a multilevel marketing scheme and is now emptying his unsold supply at the cafeteria. That's the second scam in as many weeks!"
She turned from the pan she was busying herself over and stared straight at him, her shoulders slumped. "Oh no, not again…"
"What do you mean again? You mean to tell me you know he falls prey to scams? I repeat my question: how are you friends with him?" He quirked an eyebrow, his woes with Malfoy now long forgotten.
"He's not stupid, Ron, he's just… he's been trying to redeem himself for a long time now," she sighed, the sound of sizzling onions accompanying her voice. "There have been a lot of efforts—trying to learn about Muggles, namely—but it has backfired a few times now. He's renowned for having integrated Muggle technology at the company, so a lot of scummy businesses have been trying to profit from that, and he hasn't been able to say no to a single one—they always make promises, tell him they're working towards a better future for all wizards. He's not stupid, but he's a terrible businessman."
"Colour me shocked," Ron snickered.
Hermione turned around, brows furrowed, and pointed her spatula at him. "It's not funny, Ronald!"
"I mean… it's a little funny. He has his equally incompetent friends run departments they have no business managing, takes their ideas at face value, and never questions anything. He hired me for Merlin's sake! You can't blame me for laughing."
Her face fell and she returned to her dish. "You ran Wizards' Wheezes with George for years, of course it all seems so obvious to you. He's had no guidance… it doesn't come easy to him."
"You are aware that he's a thirty-year-old man and not a wounded puppy, right?"
"You're a thirty-year-old man too, Ronald, and yet you behave like a five-year-old on most days."
Perhaps she had a point.
"Fine."
He watched as she pulled two golden slices of bread out of the toaster, placed them on a plate, and layered them with caramelised onions and cheddar.
"Is that why you're friends with him?" Ron asked as she bit into the sandwich. "Because of his attempts at redemption?"
She chewed on her bite for another few seconds and swallowed. "Yes, pretty much. I was actually his Muggle-relations consultant when he founded the company."
"You never told me!"
"Of course I never told you," she snickered. "You hated the man." She placed the sandwich back on the plate and dusted the crumbs off her fingers. "But I'm glad we can finally talk about it without you going into a rage—maybe one day you'll even let him into our flat while you're here," she smiled.
"Dream on, Hermione. I still can't stand the man."
She picked up her plate and walked out of the kitchen. "Well see," were the last words she hummed before being out of earshot.
Ron didn't protest.
You've got Mail-Foy!
From: Draco Malfoy
To: Ronald Weasley
Subject: You were right
Mandagroralife is in fact a scam. The supplement bar at the cafeteria has been closed for now.
Best,
Draco Lucius Malfoy
Chief Executive Officer of Malfoy Industries
You've got Mail-Foy!
From: Ronald Weasley
To: Draco Malfoy
Subject: RE: You were right
Maybe I should become your business strategy liaison LOL
Ron Weasley
"Seer"
You've got Mail-Foy!
From: Draco Malfoy
To: Ronald Weasley
Subject: RE: RE: You were right
The Seer thing hasn't done much for us as a company, so that is something to consider.
At any rate, I appreciate you coming to me with your concerns—though you've made your feelings about me abundantly clear over time, you've been nothing but professional in your time here.
I'd be glad to keep you on in another role once the storm has passed.
Draco Lucius Malfoy
Chief Executive Officer of Malfoy Industries
ronniekins / gingerwanker
not me starting to find my boss to be somewhat charming and delightful lol
❤ 15 | 4:57 PM - September 16, 2010
3 people are talking about this
Hermione / crookskeeper
replying to gingerwanker
Yet again, I am proven right. Maybe you should start listening to me more often.
❤ 2 | 6:03 PM - September 16, 2010
h | unemployment era / potterboy
replying to gingerwanker
LOL if you think I didn't screenshot that for the archives
❤ 4 | 6:02 PM - September 16, 2010
You've got Mail-Foy!
From: Ronald Weasley
To: Draco Malfoy
Subject: Press Conference
Why did I just hear this press conference is to set me up to take the fall for your complete idiocy? I will absolutely not confess to having "predicted" that SCAM was a good business venture.
Expect my letter of resignation within the day.
P.S: I knew you were a nasty little ferret, but I never expected you to be a rat too.
P.P.S: I better get every cent of my full contract or I'm also reporting your head of HR for being a fraud.
Ron Weasley
"Seer"
You've got Mail-Foy!
From: Draco Malfoy
To: Ronald Weasley
Subject: RE: Press Conference
Weasley, I never approved this, you have to believe me. It was all Pucey's idea. He's been fired.
Draco Lucius Malfoy
Chief Executive Officer of Malfoy Industries
You've got Mail-Foy!
From: Pansy Parkinson
To: Draco Malfoy
Subject: Weasley
Draco,
Weasley has turned in his badge and left the building.
Pansy Parkinson
Head of Human Resources
ronniekins / gingerwanker
and to think i was starting to think his pointy head was cute. never trust a himbo, ladies.
❤ 5 | 12:32 PM - September 11, 2010
10 people are talking about this
ronniekins / gingerwanker
draco malfoy is an idiot. this man is the nastiest skank bitch I've ever met. do not trust him. he is a fugly slut. send tweet
❤ 10 | 11:03 PM - September 17, 2010
20 people are talking about this