The journey back to Axel was much faster, as Rain turned out to be able to have Axel registered as a Teleport destination.
"It's very convenient, perhaps I can visit you all some time," Iris said, curtsying. "I shall enjoy the games you have left. Please visit soon, I think of all of you as dear friends."
Back in Axel, Kazuma moped for a day or two, refusing to leave the mansion. He was mostly kicking himself that he'd given up the V Card, but now he had no opportunity to continue to prove he wasn't a hopeless virgin! He couldn't even tell anyone, as there was no way he wanted the others to know he'd slept with Claire. Once when he wasn't even totally wasted.
However, that only gave him time to notice his other party members' habits. Darkness was spending a lot of time with Becky at the succubus shop, while Megumin announced that Yunyun needed to stay over for various contests, some as ridiculous as a "proof that Yunyun snores and I do not." Even Aqua was spending a lot of time with that weird priestess Cecily, and Kazuma knew which way that wacko swung. So out of his entire party, Kazuma was the only one not getting laid.
Finally, Kazuma slouched down to the guild, where he found Luna waiting for him. "Oh, Kazuma, you've been gone for so long! We've got a lot of quests piled up, and-"
"Just give me ale, Luna," Kazuma sighed. "I don't feel like questing."
"Oh. You were so efficient though…" Luna said, peering at Kazuma worriedly. "Did something happen in the capital?"
"Just let me drown my sorrows and help me forget that everyone's hooking up but me," Kazuma groused.
"Ah. I see. An ale, coming up," Luna said.
Kazuma had been at the bar for a few hours, when someone sat down next to him. "Hey! Luna says you're actually him! Kazuma Sato! Is that true?!"
Kazuma looked up to see a cute girl with white hair, the tips dyed red. She had on overalls, but only one was buttoned, the better to show off her low cut top and cleavage. And she was smiling at him.
"Yeah, that's me," Kazuma said, sitting up. "Haven't seen you before. What's your name?"
"Oh, I'm Lan! A beginner adventurer! I was hoping to see the legendary Kazuma in action!" Lan said eagerly.
"Hmm, so you've heard about my exploits?" Kazuma asked, rubbing his chin. "Let me tell you about the time I fought the Destroyer…"
He regaled Lan for half an hour, before his three party members arrived, looking around. "There he is!" Aqua called.
"Feel like questing today?" Luna asked, hurrying over. "Kazuma was just saying how impressive he was against the Destroyer…"
"Yeah, Yunyun had to go home for a bit to, um…never mind," Megumin said. "So I need to fire off an Explosion! What's the quest?"
"Golem Extermination!" Luna said brightly.
Kazuma was about to say pass, when Lan gasped. "Wow, the legendary heroes in action! You'll have to tell me about it when you get back!"
"Er, yeah," Kazuma agreed, picking up his sword and cloak. "Let's go."
The ruins exploration turned out to be easy, with Darkness taking down a golem in one hit, and Megumin blowing up the other. Ever since he'd convinced the girls to take better skills, all their quests had been a lot simpler, actually.
"Well that was boring, but the pay is good," Kazuma grumbled. "Come on, let's go home."
Back at the guild, Kazuma tried to sweet talk Lan with a somewhat exaggerated depiction of events. She "ooo'd" and "aww'd" but slipped away whenever Kazuma tried to put his arm around her. It was annoying, but she did buy him a drink, so that was nice.
The same song and dance continued for a couple of weeks, with Lan eagerly encouraging Kazuma's party to go on new quests. The only wrinkle happened when they explored the bottom of the Dungeon the golems had been guarding, and Megumin activated a sadistic maid golem by pressing a button she shouldn't have.
Thankfully, Darkness shoved Kazuma down when the golem asked, "Are you my master?" and said "Yes! I am Lalatina, your mistress!"
"VERY WELL, MISTRESS. HAVE YOU BEEN NAUGHTY?!" the golem demanded, and several very questionable weapons popped out of her back.
Darkness shuddered, and dropped her sword. "This is a foe only I can face! Flee while you can!"
"Huh? We'd never abandon our friend!" Aqua said. "Not in the face of-"
"Yeah you two have fun," Kazuma said, dragging Aqua away. "Don't break the robot."
And that was how Kazuma's party acquired "Queenie the Maid." She was a pretty good maid, except when she saw you make a mess. Then Darkness had to intervene, or it was spankings and worse all around.
However, even capturing a deadly golem didn't seem to really impress Lan, though she did ask for more stories. In fact, to get a kiss from Lan, Kazuma had to help defeat a young dragon, and bring her back a bar of gold from its lair.
"What's a guy gotta do?" Kazuma grumbled that night, staggering back to the mansion. He'd probably stayed out too late, as the next day was Megumin's Birthday party. Yunyun was coming, as was Komekko and Megumin's mother. It all sounded fun and all, but dammit Kazuma wanted to get laid again already after weeks of frustration!
However, when he arrived back at the mansion, Kazuma found that they already had guests.
"Kazuma! You're back! Come on, we're about to start another round of Ticket to Ride!" Aqua called.
Kazuma blinked, shocked to find Iris, Claire, and even Rain sitting around their dining room table, which currently had one of his and Aqua's boardgames spread over it. Yunyun was there as well, and along with Darkness the girls appeared to be deep in a game as Queenie served tea and cakes.
"Ah, Mr. Sato! I am ever so pleased to see you again!" Iris called, standing up and smiling at him.
Kazuma gave Iris a warm smile, then his eyes darted to Claire, who was currently intently studying her cards and very much not looking at Kazuma. So he did his best to ignore her too.
"It's good to see you again, Iris. What are you all doing here?"
"Why, how could I miss my good friend Megumin's birthday, especially when she so kindly invited me!" Iris said, laughing and smiling at Megumin.
"Yes, it is only natural that the Princess of the kingdom is a worthy rival for me, Megumin!" Megumin declared, standing and posing.
Yunyun pouted at at, giving Iris a bit of stink eye
"Oh relax, you're still my foremost rival," Megumin huffed, which made Yunyun smile.
"Ah, yes, accommodations," Iris said, eyeing Claire sideways.
"The Princess should have her own chambers," Claire said, looking up with a frown.
"Now Claire, we are guests, and this is a party. I am told that it is traditional to share a bed chamber with friends in such circumstances. I believe a 'sleepover' with myself, Megumin, and Yunyun would be appropriate as a sign of our friendship and rivalry."
At the words "friendship" Yunyun perked up and nodded eagerly. "Y-yes! I-I would like to be friends too!"
"I suppose that is fine," Claire said, eyeing Megumin. "Provided Ms. Megumin and her…rival…understand things."
"Which of course means Rain should share a room with Lalatina, and I suppose you will have to find your own bedchamber," Iris said breezily. "Perhaps spend time with Mr. Sato, as the two of you grew quite close during their stay at the castle."
"I am fine with staying in Tina's room," Rain agreed, smiling at Darkness.
"Er, um, well, Queenie usually sleeps in my room, in case I need anything," Darkness said, blushing deeply.
"It is well, Mistress, I can serve the two of you," the robo-maid said, giving Rain a demure bow. Kazuma did see the handcuffs pop out of her back, but the sadistic servant tucked them away quickly enough.
"Um, well, if Rain is alright with it…" Darkness agreed, still blushing mightily.
Rain appeared slightly confused, but shrugged it off. "It is of no matter, I am of low rank, and am happy to go where needed."
"There's an open bedroom next to Kazuma's, Claire can have that!" Aqua agreed happily.
"Oh. Joy," Kazuma said, giving Iris a pained smile.
"If it is what her highness wishes," Claire grumbled, finally looking up from her cards.
"Oh yes indeed! I do hope the two of you grow close, I would so like to see Mr. Sato and his companions at the palace more frequently!" Iris burbled.
"Warm milk, your highness?" Queenie asked, offering a steaming tray to the princess. Iris took it happily, as it was a chill fall evening with frost on the ground.
"Mulled wine?" Queenie offered Kazuma when she came back around.
"No thanks," Kazuma said, thinking of the last incident. He wanted to avoid alcohol. "What else you got that's hot? Don't say milk! I'm not a child."
"I wouldn't dream of implying that, Master," Queenie said breezily. "I have hot coco as well."
"I'll have that," Kazuma said, and took a warm mug. He noticed that Claire took the same, and nodded to himself. Never again.
It had also been months since he'd been laid. He still needed to figure out how to win Lan over. He was close, he knew it! She was always so happy to see him come back from a quest…she'd liked the loot. Maybe more of that?
The next day, Megumin insisted on going out for her usual Explosion, and Iris suggested they make it a questing day. The others all agreed, and the group headed to the guild. Lan was there, and happily suggested the party take on a high level quest involving some Blood Fangs that were coming out now that the weather was getting colder.
"I think a man who can take on a blood fang is really sexy," Lan giggled, trailing her fingers up Kazuma's arm.
He puffed up, and nodded. "I'll bring you back a warm fur coat!"
"Ooo, I'd like that! Blood fang coats are really valuable," Lan agreed. She frowned at Claire, who was standing over by the quest board with Iris and glaring daggers at Kazuma. "Who's that?"
"Oh, her? That's just the Suit. She's Iris's bodyguard," Kazuma said, waving it away.
Lan blinked. "She looks noble. Is that the crest of…?"
"House Phony or something. She thinks she's good with that pig sticker, but the one time we fought I trounced her," Kazuma said, blushing slightly. "Tied her right up and spanked her."
"Oh…really? Huh…wait…I recognize that sword…it's Caliber!" Lan gasped. "Is that…!?"
"Keep it down. Yes, that's Iris. She's a friend, here for Megumin's birthday party. She stayed at my place last night, but we're keeping it low key," Kazuma hushed.
Lan blinked. "You…you own that mansion? I thought…"
"Yeah I bought it off the landlord a few months back, good investment," Kazuma said with a shrug. "Aqua's purified it, so-"
"Kazuma! Come, we are departing! Please, will you tell me another story of your adventures while we walk? I think Claire would like to hear of how you banished the Destroyer," Iris called.
"Sure thing, Iris!" Kazuma turned and pecked Lan on the cheek. "See you later, toots. Gotta go, she's like my sister with how much she looks up to me."
Lan stared after Kazuma, her mouth open slightly, and he winked at her. Maybe now she'd think he was a big shot!
The quest went well for the most part, with Megumin launching not one but two Explosions, thanks to Kazuma giving her some mana from Yunyun, who was happy to donate as "her birthday present."
"Best. Birthday. Ever," Megumin sighed from her place on Yunyun's back. "Thanks."
Yunyun blushed and nodded. "L-love you."
"Love you too," Megumin sighed, then started snoring, apparently oblivious to what she'd just admitted to.
"That was exciting!" Iris laughed, clapping her hands and grinning broadly.
"I saw you take out two of those Blood Fangs, nice work!" Kazuma said, giving her a thumbs up. "Got one myself. What about you, Suit? Even Rain got one."
"I was busy guarding her Highness," Claire said stiffly. "As is my duty."
"I don't think Iris needs bodyguarding. You're the one who I had to save with a Snipe," Kazuma said, needling Claire.
"I could have handled it!" Claire snapped. "I do not need a man to-"
"Oh, I think it was terribly romantic, Claire," Iris said. Don't you think so, Rain?"
"Hmm?" Rain looked up from staring at Darkness, who was walking arm and arm with her. "I, oh. Yes. Now, Lady Dustiness, as I have mentioned, my time as her Highness's tutor is drawing to an end as she nears her majority. And your plans?"
"W-well, um, I hadn't really thought of it. I suppose I need to start a family at some point," Darkness admitted. "I just, um, well…"
"Yes, well, I'm sure we can think of an arrangement for you," Rain said. "The Dustiness lands are as profitable and expansive as ever, are they not?"
"Oh yes! I have been helping my father manage his affairs, having taken stewardship of Axel. With some insight from Kazuma, I have managed to increase our yearly crop yields, and with the new infrastructure, I anticipate that tax revenue will only increase in the next few years. This will allow us to fund more schools, as well as pay for additional-"
Kazuma tuned it out, not really interested in taxes and stuff like that. He made enough money off questing. He watched as Aqua skipped ahead of the party, humming to herself. She'd applied some buffs, but hadn't needed to do any healing, and was instead just enjoying the bubbly Iris had brought her from the capitol.
Kazuma fingered the fur he'd harvested, imagining a lucrative trade deal, and Lan in a fur bikini. He'd get one made, just for her. Maybe he could get her to model it for him. Something started to tickle the back of Kazuma's mind, and he checked his sense foe.
"Giant toads?" Kazuma muttered. "This time of year? There's no way that-"
"EEEEEK!" Aqua screamed, as a giant tongue lashed out and grabbed her. "K-KAZUMAAAAAAA!"
"Lady Aqua!" Iris gasped. "Do not fret, I shall save you!" She drew her sword, which Kazuma now realized he'd seen in a certain eroge and anime series, and dashed off.
"Your highness!" Claire called, "Be careful, those toads will-DAMNATION!"
Another long tongue reached out and grabbed Claire, as more toads surfaced.
"DAMMIT MEGUMIN, YOUR DAMN SPELL WOKE UP THE TOADS AGAIN!" Kazuma raged. Against his better judgment, he went after Claire, whose sword arm was pinned to her side as she was being swallowed.
In the end, everyone but Iris and Darkness got slimed by the toads. Even Kazuma got swallowed, and Claire had to cut him free in turn. The whole thing was highly embarrassing, with the group of high level adventures having nearly been defeated by a beginner monster.
"This is what you get for not wearing your armor!" Kazuma told Claire. "That suit is not appropriate for Adventuring!"
"How dare you lecture me! You only wear light armor!" Claire snapped.
"Yeah, but I'm an Adventurer! I can only equip light gear! You're a Sword Master! You can at least wear some metal and not get eaten!" Kazuma argued.
"Ah, Claire?" Iris said. "I shall be going with Megumin to Yunyun's house to help them bathe. Rain says Queenie shall draw her and Darkness a bath, while Aqua is visiting her temple, by which I assume she means the Axis Shrine. You and Mr. Sato may return to his mansion and bathe alone."
"Fine! I have my spare suit there," Claire snapped. She glanced at Kazuma. "Why do you still have that filthy fur?"
"I can clean it! I'm going to turn it into a fur bikini." Kazuma leered at Claire, who looked disgusted as they headed for the mansion. "I bet you'd look great in one."
"You are a disgusting little man," Claire informed him. She glanced back at Iris, frowning. "If she had been eaten…but no. She is laughing. I have not seen her this joyful since…"
"Since the last time I was there? Wow, it's almost like she likes me better than you," Kazuma said with a vicious grin.
"You give her sweets, but I give her what she needs," Claire grumbled. Then she sighed. "But…you did rush to save her. And me. Perhaps you are not utterly irredeemable. Just entirely irritating."
When they got back, Kazuma found a jug of cider Queenie had made and heated it up, then took it to the bath, which had an "occupied" sign on it. He knocked on it.
"I am bathing," Claire called. "You may join me-"
Kazuma opened the door and stepped inside, finding Claire stripping down and saying, 'If it is you, Tina or Rain, I- Oh. It is you."
Claire paused, her pants already off, her shirt to the side, her bra halfway undone. She really did bind herself down pretty tightly, which Kazuma thought was too bad.
"Don't stop just because I'm here. Not like it's nothing I haven't seen," Kazuma said, taking a sip of the cider. He hadn't tried it before, Queenie claimed to be saving it, but it was pretty good, especially warmed up.
Claire hissed, but then flung off her bra and kicked off her undershorts. "Fine. But only because I must have someone to wash my back. That hideous slime is everywhere."
"No kidding," Kazuma said, making a face. "Got up my ass crack and my nose."
"I didn't need to know that," Claire said, shivering slightly. She grabbed the jug while Kazuma stripped, and took a long pull. She paused, eyeing it. "This is quite good. It is not alcoholic, is it?"
"It's cider. That's like apple juice or something," Kazuma said with a shrug. "Makes you warm though."
"Hmm, I think it has a little kick to it…bah, it is fine. I can control myself," Claire said, and took another long pull before getting into the water.
"Let the hatred flow through you," Kazuma said, taking a drink of his own. He paused before getting in the water. "You know, in Japan, they say sharing a drink is like a second hand kiss…"
"Considering my mouth was inside a frog, that means you just kissed a toad," Claire said smugly.
"Whew! I'd rather kiss a frog than you," Kazuma said, and jumped into the water, causing Claire to grimace as he splashed her.
"Hmph. Wash my back," Claire ordered, lathering up her hair, then taking another swig of cider. She sighed. "Ah. That is better. Thank you."
"Mmhmm," Kazuma said, taking the brush and scrubbing. After a few moments, he reached around and cupped Claire's breast. "You know, it's too bad you tie these down. I like 'em big and squishy."
"Insolent boy," Claire huffed. "Tend to your duties." But she didn't push his hands away, instead taking one and guiding it down towards her waist.
"Oh I will, 'mistress.' You want that cleaned too?" Kazuma demanded.
"You have soft hands. When I close my eyes…I can imagine…well. Perhaps if you tend to your task well, I will wash AH!"
Kazuma pulled Claire close to him, his hand rubbing between her thighs. She moaned and pressed herself to him, rubbing her rear against his own flesh and exciting him further. "You bitch. You're doing that on purpose!"
"Not a woman after all," Claire sighed. "It's a good thing, or I might grow too fond of you. Still, I suppose you are competent enough as a warrior."
"Saved this ass today," Kazuma said as Claire shuddered against him. He suddenly lifted her out of the water, making her squawk in surprise. He leaned her over the side of the bath, then mounted her from behind.
She turned to glare at him, and Kazuma paused. "You insufferable ass. Do not stop. It has been too long since I could call a woman to my rooms. Not since…well. Not since I started as Iris's tutor four years ago."
"How old are you? Some Christmas cake?" Kazuma demanded, going back to work.
"I am 22, thank you. I get enough pressure to marry from my family," Claire grunted, rocking her hips backwards. "You doing it just makes me want to claw your eyes out."
"You're a real cold bitch, you know? Just using me as stress relief?" Kazuma demanded.
"You're no better! Saw you with that common girl. How many times have you slept with her?" Claire demanded, grunting and panting as she rocked against Kazuma.
"None, but not for lack of trying. Not like I want to settle down with you," Kazuma told Claire, spanking her hard.
She moaned happily, shaking her head. "There was more alcohol than I thought in that cider. Why is it that I make the worst decisions when I'm drunk?"
"Same, you're definitely the stupidest thing I've done, but that's just because I never fucked Aqua," Kazuma grunted.
"Jackass," Claire sighed, shuddering as they finished. After that, they washed, exchanging more insults and drinking more cider. Then Claire followed Kazuma back to his bedroom, where she rode him mercilessly until they both passed out.
In the morning, Kazuma wordlessly mounted Claire again. She awoke to find him already in her. "Morning, Suit."
"Hello, scum," Claire grunted, and wrapped her legs around Kazuma. "I keep saying never again, but this is the last time. After this, I find a doddering old man with a decade or two in him, then pop out a couple of brats as I'm expected.
"No fun in that. You've got too good a body to waste on a geezer," Kazuma said, squeezing Claire's breast as their flesh slapped together.
"I'm far too good for any man. Too bad about Rain. I suppose she'll be Darkness' mistress. She would have made a good companion when my husband died," Claire grunted. "Now quit talking and fuck me like you hate me."
"Oh I do," Kazuma growled, and roughly finished, leaving Claire looking disappointed and messy.
"Oh relax. I'm enough of a gentleman to help you finish," Kazuma said. "Drain Touch!"
"Wait are you-! Ah!" Claire gasped.
The surge of mana got Kazuma back up, and he did indeed help Claire finish, much to her annoyance.
Megumin's party was a success, with Kazuma certain that no one was the wiser that he and Claire had made the beast with two backs all night. Komekko was adorable as ever though, and excited to meet "Big Sis Princess!"
The day after the party, once Iris had gone home, Kazuma brought the fur bikini to Lan. He'd tanned the leather with his skills, then had Aqua sew it for him. It looked pretty good, and since Aqua was a genius at measurements, he was certain it would fit Lan just right.
"Hey, brought you something," Kazuma said, scooting up to Lan at the bar.
She started, glancing over at Luna, who frowned slightly. "Really? Luna said- uh, never mind. What did you get me?"
Lan opened the box, then blushed and hastily closed it. "Um, is that…blood fang fur underwear?"
"Bikini. You can go swimming in it, or I guess use it as underwear," Kazuma said with a shrug.
Lan bit her lip, then clutched the box to her chest. "Kazuma, are you…are you with Claire Synphonia? She's one of the most powerful nobles in the land…am I just a side fling to you?"
"Look, anything that was between me and Claire, that's in the past," Kazuma assured Lan. "Besides, she hates me, and I hate her. We barely tolerate one another."
"You sure? Because I checked the guild ledgers…you're worth a billion at least now, aren't you?" Lan asked. "And if you're hanging with the Princess and the two most powerful noblewomen in the land…Kazuma, I know who Darkness is now, she's Lalatina Dustiness. Who are you?"
"I'm just a stranger in a strange land," Kazuma said with a shrug. "Plus, I think Darkness is batting for the other team now. Claire too."
"Oh. Huh. Well, nobles are weird, and you're basically a noble…but I don't want to be an Adventurer. I'm not like you, I'd get killed," Lan admitted.
"You know, I never see you go on quests," Kazuma said, scratching his chin. "Not aside from the few mandatory harvests…"
"I…scrape by," Lan said. She hopped off her stool, and put a hand on Kazuma's arm. "But if I had a husband to support me…or just a rich nobleman who looked after me…Want to see me in this bikini? Then take it off?"
"Really?" Kazuma asked, blinking. It was that easy?
"You're a pervert and you've stolen my underwear twice. I figure I'll let you steal them for real. If you keep bringing me some nice gifts. That gold you gave me was enough for me to eat for weeks," Lan said with a shrug.
A part of Kazuma realized that Lan just saw him as a meal ticket. The other half of him had just had good hate sex with Claire, and wanted more. Preferably with someone he didn't hate. Lan was cute, and if she was willing…
"Why don't we go back to my place instead? Plenty of room in the mansion," Kazuma assured her.
Lan brightened at that. "Really? I could have my own room? Rent is killing me…and I hate sleeping in the barn for the winter…"
"My bed is rent free," Kazuma promised.
He was somewhat disappointed to find Lan was a bit of a dead lay. She mostly just lay there and let Kazuma do the work, though she did make all the right noises, and afterwards she hugged him tight as they fell asleep. The girls were all rather shocked when Kazuma told them that Lan would be staying at the mansion, but since both of them had their own bedmates, except Aqua, who it turned out was doing an art gallery with Cecily and seemed to think sex was a kind of vegetable, they didn't complain overly much.
A month later, a missive arrived from the palace: A new General, Wolbach, was attacking the Kingdom to the North, and Iris requested that Kazuma's party handle it as her forces were committed elsewhere.
"I'll take care of the mansion, don't worry!" Lan assured Kazuma, as Queenie relished the idea of combat and Yunyun was one of the deadliest people in the entire world. "You guys have fun, and I'll be waiting for you when you get back. Just don't forget about me, and bring me back something nice."
"Kazuma, I do not know that Lan loves you," Darkness told him as they marched off to battle. "She is, ah, well, my father warned me of those such as her. Someone who pursues a noble simply for their wealth and security. A honeypot. I have even heard rumors that Luna was paying her to encourage you to go on quests…"
"What? No! She thinks I'm cool and needed a place to stay for the winter. I said if she was my girlfriend she could stay with us," Kazuma said with a shrug.
"Hmm. Well, I suppose I should not judge, considering…" Darkness looked over at Queenie, who had taken out several knives and was juggling them. Aqua joined in, though she used colorful balls. "She is wonderfully…demanding…"
"You and your sado-maid," Kazuma said, rolling his eyes. He looked up at Megumin and Yunyun, who were walking together and holding hands. "I would end up in a party full of yuri. On the one hand: excellent bedtime material. On the other…well, that's what I have Lan for."
"You horrible man," Darkness laughed. She shook her head. "I could have sworn you and Claire…"
"I'm not the key to her closet, trust me," Kazuma said, blushing and thinking of Claire. Sure, Lan was easier and kissed him, blew him, and did basically whatever Kazuma wanted, but Claire was…well, she was a challenge, and that made her fun and exciting.
It took ten days of travel, then several weeks of fighting, but in the end Wolbach was defeated, though not slain. Kazuma looked at Chomusuke rather suspiciously for a few days, but nothing about the cat seemed to change after absorbing her more wrathful half. Still, he supposed most cats considered themselves goddesses of Sloth and Violence, so it wasn't really different. Save that a lot more dead birds would turn up on his doorstep from then on out.
They made their way back to the capital after that for a large ball, with Kazuma excited for the party and to see Iris again, but also wistful. Now that he was with Lan, he definitely couldn't see Claire. Which was too bad, as she actively worked to get him alone as soon as he arrived, succeeding with a smile and a wink from Iris, who seemed delighted they wanted to get together.
"Listen Suit," Kazuma said when they were alone in her chambers. The party was still going on, but both had bowed out as quickly as possible. "What we had was fun and all, but I still hate you and-"
"I am with child," Claire interrupted, taking off her suit jacket and folding it over the chair.
Kazuma paused. "Come again?"
"I seems we did it one too many times," Claire said with a shake of her head, reaching down and pulling off her pants as well. "I confirmed it with a priestess I trust a few days ago. My courses are usually quite regular, and my last is late by three weeks."
"You…I…what!?" Kazuma gasped, clutching his chest. Pregnant?! "You, um, you're keeping it?"
"Yes. I have already begun preparations for our wedding," Claire informed him. "A child of Symphonia cannot be a bastard. Though they will not be the first born less than eight months after their parents' marriage."
"Are you serious!? But, I'm not, I don't love you, Claire!" Kazuma said, tearing at his hair. "Sure, it's fun to screw you, mostly because we hate each other so much, but-"
"Come undo my bra," Claire ordered, presenting herself in her underwear.
"Steal! Steal!" Kazuma cried, and his hands were filled with Claire's undergarments. He flushed. "Look, I, uh, you get to choose about the kid, but-"
"Iris will learn the child is yours. I will not hide this from her. Do you wish her to know that you had an affair with me, then spurned me so that I was dishonored and had my heir out of wedlock?" Claire demanded. She spread her legs slightly, clocking her hips towards Kazuma and breathing so that her breasts wiggled slightly. "Besides. Do you not enjoy my body?"
"I, er…we're not drunk this time," Kazuma said, rubbing the back of his head.
"No. But if you lay with me this night, you agree to marriage," Clarie said with a shrug.
"I've been sleeping with Lan…" Kazuma said slowly.
"That is fine. I will not be faithful to you. I will not take another man to my bed, nor use a spell to get myself with child by a woman. My children will be yours. We will have at least three. An heir, a spare, and one for the church. It is traditional," Claire told him.
"So, what? We just screw when you want a kid?!" Kazuma demanded, flushing red.
Claire cocked her head to one side. "I will also fulfill my wifely duties, but not so much that I find it onerous. You may entertain yourself with a mistress at other times. Funds for her and her children you must provide; they will not come from my estate."
"That's rich! I'm RICHER than you!" Kazuma snapped. "Unless you've got more than 10 billion in the bank!"
"Much." Claire bent over and splayed her legs slightly. "Well? Are you going to get on with it?"
Snarling, Kazuma pulled off his clothes. How was he going to explain this to Lan? At least the sex that night was good. Claire even clawed at him, and Kazuma clawed back a little. They did sleep in the same bed, and Kazuma half wondered if their marriage wouldn't be so bad.
The next day, Claire had a royal mage teleport them to Axel. They found Lan weeping in the kitchen, a basin filled with water dyed pink in front of her. She looked up when Kazuma came in, and hope filled her eyes. Then saw Claire, and her eyes went dull and listless.
"You're going to tell me to leave," Lan said, her tone lifeless and empty. "You got me pregnant, and you're going to kick me out."
"I what?!" Kazuma said, his hair standing on end as a chill ran down his spine. "No, I won't kick you out, but, er, well, um…"
"He got me with child first," Claire said, coming forward and peering into the bowl. She nodded to herself. "Five weeks?"
"Four," Lan said quietly. "I…I was trying to…"
"You wanted to trap him. Smart. I will see he does his duty. Stand up, girl," Claire ordered.
Slowly, Lan got to her feet, sniffing as tears filled her eyes. Claire reached out and undid her overalls, then took off Lan's top, making her wince. Claire studied her for a moment, then nodded. "You will make a suitable wet nurse."
"I…what?" Lan said, blinking in confusion.
"I am not going to nurse my own child," Claire said with a snort. "I would have needed to find some common girl to nurse them regardless. My husband's mistress will work well enough."
"You…you're not mad?" Lan asked slowly.
"Oh no. Far from it. This makes things far more convenient. You will, of course, not attend the wedding. You will live here in his mansion until my child is born, then you will move to the Symphonia estate where you will nurse the babes. Are you good with children?"
"...I have seven siblings…four younger…I got kicked out to make my own way, but I know how to change kids and feed them," Lan said slowly, blinking away tears.
"Excellent. You and the child will be provided for. When they are of age, they shall be given a suitable apprenticeship with one of the tradesmen here in Axel. You may, of course, bear more children with Kazuma, as he sees fit. Please him and he will reward you suitably. I will see to it that he does not discard you entirely, even in your old age," Claire said briskly.
"So…I'll be your mistress?" Lan asked, looking to Kazuma.
He nodded mutely, unable to think of what to say.
Lan pondered that for a bit, then nodded. "Well, sure. You want to screw again? I'm already preggers, and hell, I was trying to baby trap you anyway. I just…I was scared."
"I wouldn't just kick you out!" Kazuma said, aghast.
Lan shrugged. "Sure, your wife, or fiance, seems to know what the score is for nobles. And it means I'll always have a warm place to sleep and food. And you're not so bad. Come on. Uh, and you, Lady Symphonia?"
"I will not be partaking of my husband's sloppy seconds," Claire said, making a face. "Though our wedding is in a week. I will bid you good day. The royal mage will bring you back when you are ready, Kazuma. Come back by tomorrow afternoon, you must be fitted for wedding garb."
Then Claire left, leaving Kazuma alone with Lan. He hesitantly reached out and kissed her, putting a hand to her belly. "I, um, love you…"
"Love you too," Lan said, kneeling and undoing Kazuma's trousers. But the way she said it…it was how someone would say they loved a dog. Still, when her lips touched his manhood, he found it hard to care.
Iris was delighted to have Claire and Kazuma wed, and excited she would be seeing more of him. That was a nice perk too, and Kazuma ended up spending a great deal of time in the capitol. It was one of the only highlights of his married life.
The wedding with Claire was spectacular, with every noble who was anyone in the entire kingdom attending. Her parents were cordial to Kazuma, both of them remarking on his incredible feats of combat.
"He is a suitable mate, and defeated me in combat," Claire told them. "He is worthy to continue the Symphonia line."
"I agree," her father said, clapping Kazuma on the shoulder. "Welcome to the family, Kazuma."
Not son, just Kazuma. His relationship with his in-laws was always cold and somewhat distant, neither of them taking much interest in Kazuma.
As for his life with Claire, they spent little time together. Claire would allow Kazuma to have his marital rights once a week, but after a year or so, he quit insisting on them with any regularity. Only when they had a truly spectacular fight, and then the hate sex was pretty good. It always left Kazuma feeling empty after though.
Their fights were often about their children. Claire kept the children with her at the Symphonia estate, which Kazuma never really felt at home in. He would visit his children, two boys and a youngest girl, who he doted on when allowed. But the children looked to Claire's lover Cielo Reuentahl, a noble woman who had been raised as a boy of all things. She had three children of her own, the father publicly unknown, though Claire confirmed to Kazuma's face that through the use of certain spells, she'd gotten Cielo with child.
"Both our lines will continue. And I never promised not to have other children, only that I would bear only your own," Claire had told him coldly.
He never really forgave her for that, even in his own hypocrisy. He supposed she'd never really forgiven him for sleeping with Lan either, despite what she said.
Kazuma kept Lan as a mistress for only a few more years, before taking another younger woman he picked up Adventuring. He ended up having ten more children with six other women, none of which lasted more than a decade. He had provided for all of them and the children of course, and none of them seemed to mind that they were merely the mistress of Claire Symphonia's husband. Especially since he had killed the Devil King, after all.
Even so, his life always felt empty, and he always thought of the days when it had been just him and his girls Adventuring. He saw Darkness and her wife Rain regularly, their children were thankfully tamed by the calm Rain, who was perfectly willing to be Darkness' wife for a hefty bride price. Yunyun and Megumin nearly destroyed the world with their brood, and traveled widely having adventures.
But Kazuma just stayed in Axel, never moving on, always finding a new pretty face to share his bed when he got cold at night. When Claire and his children grew up, they rarely saw one another, and even their hate sex grew dull until they simply stopped seeing one another. They were married, but there was no love nor warmth.
When Kazuma died, he found Aqua waiting for him, looking melancholy.
"Well, did you enjoy yourself? You got your harem fantasy after all," Aqua asked him.
Kazuma shook his head, feeling sick. "I thought I wanted it, but I didn't. It was…I never really loved one woman, and none of them loved me. I had a lot of children, but I was never a part of their lives. Next time…I want a life where I'm smarter. Where I have just one lover."
Aqua smiled, and took his hand. "You know, I've been thinking about retirement. Being a goddess isn't all it's cracked up to be. My time as your cheat item…it was the best of my life. What if we…just did it again? Only this time…this time, when you rustle in the night…turn to me, wouldn't you?"
Kazuma got choked up, and he wiped away some tears. "You were the one who was always there for me…we were best friends. We could have been lovers?"
"Let's find out," Aqua said. And they stepped into the blue circle once more together.