Trigger warming of self-harm and baby loss.
The idea came from BBC Doctors episode where the boy in custody gets shot and Lily is unable to save him.
It was late, Lily had had a long day but was only on partnership paperwork with a few patients. Emilia was on a later shift as a community midwife, just one of many jobs she is proud of. Since it had been a long day, Lily had come home, had a bath, came downstairs and made a hot drink. She was walking into the living room when she heard the front door. Emilia still lived with Lily after all these years after Lily fostered her.
Emilia walked in, allowing the cold harsh air to enter the warmth and safety of Lily's house.
"You're late', Lily came to the hallway with a comfort smile. As she entered, she noticed Emilia didnt look up at her, she had deep blood stains on her blue midwives unifrom. She was wearing black tights, black lace up shoes, blue smoch nurses dress with a deep red long sleeve cardigan.
"Yeah, sorry. Got caught up at work", Emilia still didnt look up, just took her shoes off slowly and carefully.
"What happened?", Lily could hear the sniffles from Emilia but she did not reply. Lily placed her cup on the stairs and came towards Emilia.
"Emilia, are you alright? What happened?" speaking gently, she knew how to handle Emilia when she was vulnerable.
Emilia looked up this time, both of them close to each other.
"One of my patients had a difficult birth, my first still born since...", she looked away and blinked a few times. Lily just let her speak in her own time even though she knew what Emilia was going to say.
"...since Natalie. I keep thinking what I missed, what I should have checked more than twice. The telling of bad news to new parents is the hardest part in a situation like that. I tried but there was nothing I could do. And all I saw was Natalie's.face". The tears were now streaming down Emilia's face. As if all the emotion had been built up was now a fast flowing river.
"Come here", Lily held out her arms and they both came to a deep embrace. She knew no words would comfort her daughter now. Lily held her tight, gently patting her on the back followed by gently kisses. She knew what tramua can do to people and how Emilia responses to people in hard, emotional situations.
All this time, Emilia just sobbed hard, deep, heartfelt, raw emotion, completely letting go of all the stress from the day. Lily knew she had to wait until Emilia was calm enough to move on. She knew this was partly her autism manifesting as a meltdown too. All she could do was wait and be calm for Emilia.
After a long while, it was Emilia who broke away from Lily. Still stood in the hallway, Lily was the first to speak, wiping the tears with her thumbs as she spoke.
"I am so proud of you, you know. Lets go and get some clean clothes. ", Lily rubbed her hands on Emilia's arms. She ignored the flinched expression through the smile on Emilia's face. Lily followed her upstairs and sat on the edge of the bath. Lily went to help take her cardigan off but Emilia stood up quickly and faced the wall.
"Is there something else bothering you? It's alright. Whatever it is, it's alright. I won't be embarrassed. ", Lily had an idea about what was going to be expressed next.
"No, but I am. You shouldn't have to deal with my mistakes".
"What are you talking about? Did something else other than today upset you? ", Lily spoke gently and waited, she has to go at Emilia's pace.
Emilia came and sat back down on the edge of the bath with her head held down, pulling her sleeves down more over her hands. She subtly looked at Lily with sorrow and regret in her eyes.
"I'm so sorry, I tried not to but I didn't want to burden you with my problems. You and Heston are so happy and I didnt want to jeopardize that", the tears began again but she just fiddled with her sleeves.
"It's alright and please don't apologize", Lily came and knelt in front of Emilia holding her hands in each hand.
"I would be more worried if you didn't relapse. How long has this been going on? Have you cut yourself today? ", Lily waited again.
"Yes, it's been happening for the last few months. But I didn't want you tell you, Heston was around a lot more, and I didn't want to get in the way of that", Emilia looked away again, followed by tears.
"Emilia...Emilia look at me. Look at me", guilding her face to look at her with one hand and speaking so gently, "You are so brave, you know that? If you let me I can dress your arms and we can talk about it in the morning. It will be okay. I promise I won't shy away from it".
Lily smiled gently at Emilia who agreed to the plan. Lily stood up and began to run the bath, the helped Emilia get undressed. They were both so comfortable in each others company it did not bother either of them if they were dressed or not, but this was more from Emilia's perspective than Lily's as she was used to it as a police surgeon.
Emilia was sat in the bath, Lily sat next to it in her black slik dressing gown, dabbing her wounds with a flannel. Some of them were deep but nothing that needed stitches or anything more than a dressing. Lily didn't speak, she and Emilia knew it was silence and just to feel comfortable was the most important thing right now.
An hour or so later, Emilia had eaten some toast and a cup of tea, the washing was on and they were snuggled on the sofa in a blanket after Lily had attended to her arms. Emilia was asleep but Lily heard the door go again, it was Heston who had been covering the evening surgery at The Mill.
"Good evening", he came into the living room entrance with a bright spirit as always. But Lily gave him the sign to be quiet. Heston understood. Then saw Emilia on the sofa with Lily and sat down on the opposite sofa.
"What have I missed?", looking at Lily.
"Leave it for now Heston, but I need to talk to you tomorrow", smiling gently at Heston who got the message and went to get himself some food. He knew when to keep his distance.