Chapter 23: Blown Out

Tokyo

He dropped her off at Kamata—just to make sure she was safe—and Naruto only let her go after the hundredth reassurance that she was fine, wrapping him in a fierce hug to prove that she was unchanged by that night.

However, when he leaned down to kiss and hug her, she felt his somber mood.

She could tell from his kiss that he was still thinking about that night, but she kept the smile on her face until she was inside her apartment building and in front of her door.

She sighed because she honestly held him blameless for all of this. It was nobody's fault. How were they supposed to know that it would happen?

She'd gone to therapy, of course. It was part of the recovery process, the doctors had all told her, after her surgeries in Japan. She'd gone through the excruciating physical therapy afterward, cheered on by the encouraging staff at the hospital. She'd diligently gone to the periodic check-ups and passed the examinations, both psychiatric and physical, that she'd been required to take the following years after she'd been released.

Once inside their apartment, she was greeted by her family, all eager to hear about her work trip to capture the Lantern Festival. Seeing her looking so gloomy immediately prompted Hanabi to hold a Hyuuga Huddle. As expected, her whole family was just as concerned to discover that she had re-lived the experience again.

Hiashi looked at her, his eyes filled with understanding. "It happened, but how do you feel, Hinata?"

Hinata answered that she was surprised to discover that she was fine, that after the initial panic attack, the following day at the festival, she'd been feeling good enough to get back to work. Naruto had insisted on her staying and resting at the hotel, but for some reason, the idea of being cooped up inside the tiny room was worse than being outside. And she was right when she'd fought back and reassured him. The weather was nice, the festival was approaching its climax, the people and the atmosphere were cheerful, and it made her happy to know that she was doing something she loved.

Naruto had eventually agreed to it reluctantly, and she'd had to work really hard to avoid his eyes following her, his concern and anxiety very palpable.

She looked at her father now, seated across from her at the dinner table, and answered him honestly. "Tou-chan, I'm okay. I don't feel panicky at all right now and even after. Is that weird?"

Neji and Hanabi held their silence and waited for their father to speak.

"I don't think so."

"I guess I'm fine."

Hiashi's assessing eyes took in everything about his daughter, believed her, and he nodded.

"Then I'm glad, Hinata."

However, just to be sure, she decided she would discuss it with the therapist who'd been assigned to her case. She picked up her phone and scrolled through her contact list.

"Gai-sensei! Thank you for squeezing me into your schedule!"

She walked into her therapist's office and was greeted by his warm smile, quirky bowl haircut, and his favorite forest green suit he wore underneath the white doctor's coat.

"I can't say I'm happy to see you because it means there's a problem," he said, his deep voice ringing in that little office, his thick furrowed brows were pulled into a frown, but his kind eyes were gentle at her. His lips also lifted approvingly when he noticed that her scars were exposed, that she was not wearing the same turtlenecks he'd seen her wear the last couple check ups.

Hinata was forever grateful that the world had produced somebody like Gai Maito, whose earnest personality made him such a reassuring person to guide anyone in their recovery process.

Hinata gave him an update on what had happened in Nagasaki and he listened to her without interrupting. He only spoke when she finished her story.

"Remember what I told you in the beginning? That it was possible to develop PTSD, that one in three people who experience something traumatic usually do."

She nodded. "I remember."

He leaned forward in his chair. "But I still think you're the other two, the part of the population who don't."

She smiled, a little uncertain, but his reassuring voice did much to calm her.

Gai sensed her disquiet and added, "Nothing's changed in your situation. You've still got your strong support system in your friends and family, your life's purpose you get from your job, your love for animals." He looked at her. "Do you agree?"

"I do."

"And, I think you've got an added bonus in this wonderful relationship you have with your new boyfriend."

Thinking of Naruto, her mouth flashed into a wider smile. "True."

"That's better!" Gai said, seeing the joy on her face. "And you've always been resilient, Hinata. Always."

That was true, too. She'd dealt with the death of her mother, her unsuccessful attempt at a journalism profession, her first failed business, and her injuries. She'd bounced back from all those setbacks and knew that she could do it again.

Resolve and calmness filled her.

Gai remained quiet and watched as his patient found the innate ebullient spirit that had guided her her entire life. He nodded to himself, assured that she would be okay.

"But just in case, let me walk you through what to do if it happens again."

The next time she saw him, she described everything her therapist said to Naruto, who listened silently, somberly.

To her relief, he nodded. "Okay."

"And you know," she said slowly, reaching up to place her hands on his shoulders. "Tonight, we should celebrate! The festivals are done, we've both made it past the Nagasaki round. We're in the top twenty, baby!"

However, his reaction was still pretty muted. All she got to her joyful comment was another nod.

Still, she persisted, excited that she was still in the contest, that it wasn't just her because he'd made it to the next round, too. This time, together, they both simultaneously opened their email accounts to check on the results. Originally, they'd talked about doing their results reveal in the presence of friends and family, but Hinata had been too impatient to know so she'd come today to his apartment bringing takeout gyudon from her favorite beef-bowl chain.

It was with relief to know that they were both able to beat out all the hundreds of other competitors who'd joined in the beginning. Months later, she'd gotten this far, squashed them all. Plus, there was a magical feeling knowing that something about her photos resonated with people, why they kept voting for her. That alone fired her spirit—but she was starting to worry that Naruto wasn't feeling the same way she did.

"Naruto?" She shook him at his shoulders, and it seemed to work, because he flashed her a brief smile.

"Yeah, now all we have to do is just go through our catalog and submit the photos for Big Sight," he finally said.

She nodded happily. "I already know which photos I'm going to send in, but I'm not going to tell you which ones. You're going to have to see them when they're displayed at the convention center."

But he was staring at her, his expression hard to read. She moved her hands towards his face, tapped two pointer fingers at his cheeks, and continued tapping until the tautness in his expression to eased, his mouth lifting up into a genuine smile.

"There! You look much better when you're smiling." She moved her finger to rub the area between his brows. "You better be careful, you're starting to have wrinkles from frowning too much!"

He blinked at her and shook his head. He took a deep breath and then leaned in to hug her in earnest, which she accepted with satisfaction despite not being able to read his face and to getting an idea of what he was thinking about. Instead, she burrowed into his body to gain comfort and dragged in his intoxicating scent.

"Did you want to go out and celebrate?" she heard him say into the top of her head.

"No." She shook her head. "I wanted to do something else," she answered him, hoping he would get the hint. To emphasize her point, she slid her hands slowly down to his butt and squeezed. And then squeezed again.

He laughed softly in response, making Hinata smile.

"You have a one-track mind."

"I do, so don't forget it!" she said, pulling him into the bedroom.

But she was just glad he seemed back to normal with this.

The first two attempts at sex had been anxiety-inducing for Naruto, who couldn't hide his worry of triggering her memories again. They'd ended up simply sleeping together on his bed, with Hinata lying half under him but not experiencing the terror of that accident when his weight had settled on top of her. Happy to know this, she'd been able to sleep through the night while he'd been too uneasy to get some proper rest.

"There's no pressure, Naruto. It happens if it happens. If not, it's fine, too," she'd told him the next morning, pressing a kiss on his forehead.

"I'm sor—"

But she stopped his apology with a kiss, and he left it at that.

Luckily, they were more successful in their third attempt, which started out from nothing. She'd been in his apartment, washing the dishes, humming to herself because he'd cooked her dinner and she'd been very effusive in her thanks, praising him for his skill in preparing the meal. Her heart was at ease, seeing him relaxed as they ate together, his face glowing with pleasure at her compliments.

She was stuffed and happy and thought nothing would top that feeling for the night.

But she was wrong.

She felt him come up to her and hug her from behind, sliding his hands over her body in a way that made her melt and sigh, lean back into him so that she could feel him better. He was warm and smelled of soap, fresh from coming out of the shower. She turned around to smile at him but was instantly greeted by his gently seeking mouth.

They continued kissing, lightly at first, but the mood shifted when he pressed her against the sink, her lower back meeting the cool edge of the metal surface, her stomach braced against his hard thighs. She angled her head so he could kiss her more thoroughly, opening her mouth to take the touch of his tongue against hers. A masculine purr from deep in his throat made her knees weak, her body beginning to feel heavy while she became light-headed.

Naruto had always been a good kisser, and tonight was no different.

"Yes," she murmured against his lips. "Just like this."

He didn't respond, only continued kissing her until they were both senseless. His hands now caressing her breasts, her stomach, her butt, gently pushing her body against his, the familiar heat blooming between them, between her thighs as she felt him expressing his need to be inside her. The hardness between his legs caused her to groan low, a sound of pure pleasure and anticipation.

"Don't think! Feeeeel," she unthinkingly blurted out.

He had to stop for a moment, laughter exploding out of him, his eyes dancing merrily at her. "Are you quoting Bruce Lee at a time like this?"

Her grin was wide as his. "Yep, because it feels too good to stop."

Laughter and reassurances guided the way, eased the tension and the worry that had gripped him the couple times he'd tried to initiate sex again. Hinata was pliant with relief, encouraging him with a few more jokes that took his mind off the anxiety. And because she was right, that what they were doing, hands reaching for each other to stroke, to fondle, to skim over each other, felt too good to stop.

It was only after, when her climax had caused her to spasm uncontrollably around him, after his final thrust inside her brought him pleasure, that he finally stopped. Her arms were gripped around him, and she didn't let go until he slowly lowered himself onto her, allowed his chest to rest against hers did she breathe a sigh of satisfaction—and relief.

They would be fine, she thought sleepily. Because they'd weathered this particular storm together.

The following week, Hinata stopped by his office to pick him up for their date. She was late again, but she'd rushed to finish her final appointment with her client. The photo session went fine, but it had taken her, Kiba, and the child's mother a long time to convince little Ayame to leave Akamaru's side.

She couldn't wait to tell Naruto all about it.

But Hinata fidgeted in the elevator because this was unusual. He'd changed their plans tonight, something he rarely did because he hated inconveniencing anybody.

Tonight, he'd asked her to come over to his office instead of meeting at the restaurant she'd wanted to try. Kiba had especially recommended it, a particular motsu nabe restaurant from Hakata that opened its first branch in Tokyo. He'd taken Tamaki there on a date and they'd both loved the place. Hinata had come through on her promise to him and set up the two with Naruto's and Ino's help since Tamaki was Ino's stylist.

Naruto was already waiting for her at the entrance. She saw him as soon as she walked in, instantly enfolded in his hug of greeting—but he was tense.

He put up a good front, she'd give him that. She stared at him when he pulled back.

The time she'd spent with him these last couple of months proved how much she knew him. He was definitely overthinking things again, which she was trying to prevent from happening.

She was still wrapped in his arms, and he was extra silent tonight. Concerned, she asked, "Are you okay?"

He tried to smile, but he suddenly shook his head. She was unprepared when he suddenly said, "I think I'm done."

She wasn't faking the confusion on her face. "Done with what?"

"I'm not submitting any more pictures."

There, he'd said it, he thought with relief.

He'd wrestled with the idea for a while, ever since that night. He wasn't sure whether to tell her, but he thought maybe he owed her an explanation because she would perhaps appreciate the honesty.

But she was still standing in the circle of his arms, seemingly frozen while she frowned at him. Then she shook her head and tried to smile. "You're joking, right? The deadline for submission for the Big Sight round is in a couple of days."

"No. I'm going to send the forms tomorrow, the one for officially withdrawing from the competition."

And then she finally understood what he was trying to say.

"You're dropping out of the contest?"

It was the wrong thing to tell her, he belatedly realized because she was suddenly stiff and staring at him.

"Yes."

She blinked rapidly and then took a deep breath, the frown on her face was tinged with genuine bewilderment. She took a step back, away from him, and he let her force them apart, the space between them seemed gaping. "I don't understand what's happening. Why would you suddenly quit now?"

He shrugged and tried to keep silent, uncomfortable because her eyes were seeking answers and he didn't want to tell her the truth.

But she wouldn't let him avoid her. "I thought you wanted to win this, too?"

"I did, in the beginning, but I don't think it's important to me anymore."

She was still frowning at him. "I'm confused. We came all the way to the final stages. Why the sudden change of heart?"

"I j-ju—" He stopped himself and took a deep breath. The next he spoke, the answer he'd rehearsed rolled more easily off his tongue. "I thought about it seriously some more and came to the conclusion that I have nothing to prove to myself or to anyone else."

She folded her arms, tilted her head, her face so serious and so different from the Hinata he'd known these past few months. "That doesn't make sense."

"Why not?" he asked, his face a blank mask.

"You wouldn't give this up so easily. This is something we both love doing."

He sighed and then raked his hands through his hair. "I just don't think I really took this competition as seriously as you or the others did."

The pucker between her brows only deepened. "What do you mean? Are you telling me that you entered this competition, this opportunity to work with the imperial family, on a whim? That doesn't seem like you."

"I'm saying it now."

She shifted on her feet, her gaze became more somber. She became eerily still, making him feel that maybe she would leave it at that and take his word.

But the silence ate at him, even for Naruto who was very comfortable with it.

"Hinata, I don't have the spirit for it any more," he was forced to say.

Instead of replying, though, Hinata glanced deliberately at the photos displayed on the walls, the photos stacked neatly on his work desk, at his photography equipment arranged in a fastidious line along the shelves.

Then she strode forward and picked up his camera, the one he always used for the festival shots and tapped the screen. It was a photo of a child dressed in a pink summer yukata hugging a white plastic mask of a wolf haphazardly against her hip, the other hand smushing a wad of sky-blue cotton candy up to her lips, but on her face was an open-mouthed expression of innocent joy.

"Naruto, I don't think so." She shook her head at him and smiled. She held up the camera so he could see. "This doesn't look like a photo taken by somebody who doesn't care for the art anymore. Look at this. It's gorgeous, and so worthy to be judged on its own. You took so much care to frame this situation just right, to get all the things you wanted in this particular shot."

He shook his head and remained silent.

She folded her arms and tried for another smile, but even to him, she couldn't drum up her usual cheer. Instead, just as solemnly, she said, "If you quit now, you'll regret it."

"This is for the best."

But Hinata, maybe hoping he would change his mind, only continued to discourage him from dropping out. "Why would anyone voluntarily give up the chance of a lifetime? This coronation will only happen once in our lives. The emperor's young and he won't die any time soon. I know you. You want this. What's the real reason?"

"I can't explain it, Hinata."

"Can't? Or won't?"

"Hinata, please. I just want to drop out and leave this competition without having to explain myself. I simply don't want to do this anymore."

He shook his head, resolved to see this conversation through, wishing he could be honest with his true intentions, that he was doing this for her. But the situation was too complicated. Being blunt would only make things worse. Naruto took another deep breath and firmly said, "I'm done and I won't be competing any more."

But she continued looking at him until he broke her gaze and shifted his attention to the photos on his desk.

"Naruto." Her tone was soft, hushed, filled with some kind of emotion he suspected was disappointment that he looked at her again.

"I find it really suspicious that you're doing this after you learned what I went through with my accident."

He couldn't control the flash of guilt that crossed his face, or the way his body flinched when she'd guessed correctly.

She strode forward and stopped a foot from him. Her voice was clear, accusing. "Isn't it strange that you've suddenly gotten this change of heart after I told you what happened that day?"

He didn't say anything, couldn't, really, because he realized he didn't like this feeling at all, of her being unhappy because of him.

This was the first time she'd ever been angry with him, and he'd expected her to be ranting and raving with emotions. Instead, she was very still, frighteningly so. She was normally a fidgeter and this quiet calm told him that she was upset.

In fact, she was maybe even furious with him.

Her jaw clenched when he didn't answer her question. "I think I liked you much better when you treated me with respect, like a proper rival."

Then she abruptly turned around and left.

Oh god. She was going to bolt again and he didn't know what he would do once she stepped out of his office.

Panicked, he ran after and grabbed her arm. "Wait, Hinata!"

She stopped and glanced at him. "Please tell me the real reason why you're dropping out."

He shook his head, fearing to say what he should probably say, that he didn't want to stand in her way. He wanted her to win this so she could achieve her dream.

They stared at each other, her half-frozen on her way out, he, still gripping her arm, hoping she would stay.

But she finally exploded. "God, Naruto! I don't want your pity!"

"It's not pity!" he cried out.

She finally turned around to fully face him. "What is it then? Arrogance?"

"No!"

"I know what you're doing!" She was still blazing, her eyes brimming with frustrated tears. "Don't patronize me, Naruto! I want to win this fair and square! We do this on merit, on the quality of our work. Whoever wins, wins!"

"I'm not patronizing you, Hinata. I'm just concerned. I just want to help you."

She took a deep breath and tried her best to calm down. In a more modulated tone, she said, "No, you don't. You just feel bad about what happened in Nagasaki."

"Yes! And because of that, I need to drop out, so you can win!"

"What makes you think that withdrawing from the competition will help me?!"

"I don't know, but I don't want to be th—"

"I don't need or want it!"

"Hinata, I don't mean anything bad."

She shook off his hand on her arm, stalked a few steps away from him, and pierced him with a glare. "Can't you please stay in the contest see this through to the end?"

He doggedly shook his head. "No."

She continued to stare at him, and he stewed in frustrated muteness, his temper starting to rise because she was being so stubborn about this. It was his decision, why couldn't she see that?

She sighed and once more, tried to calmly explain her point. "Look. Since day one, from the very beginning, you've been running to rescue me. Up to this point, I appreciate the kindness and sweetness you've shown me."

"Then why not now?!"

"This is different. I told you what happened in Africa because I simply wanted you to know the truth. That was it." She blinked and he started for her when he saw the tears in her eyes. She shook her head and held out a hand, causing him to stop his approach. She wiped her tears and was clear-eyed again. "All this time we've been together, have I ever made you believe I thought of myself as a victim?"

He shook his head.

"Because I'm not, you know."

"I don't want to see you heartbroken if you end up losing."

She was silent for a moment and then her eyes darkened, sharpened. "If I lose to you, you mean."

He shook his head. "No! That's not it at all! If you simply lose, if you don't win."

"But that's fine! Even if I lose, at least I know I saw this project through until the end, that I gave it the best of me, that I competed with the best photographers." She looked at him. "But if you drop out, you're taking that away from me."

He pressed his lips together and tried to still the trembling muscles around his mouth and was grateful for the small miracle that she gave him this space to calm his stutter. When he finally answered, he was glad to hear that his voice didn't quiver much. "I'm just trying to give you the best possible chance to win this."

"But I don't want this from you."

Then she shrugged, her expression was scrunched up into lines of discomfort when she realized that it sounded like she was rejecting him. "I'm sorry. I'm fucking this up. I don't know how to explain it clearly." She sighed, scratched angrily at her hair, stopped, and finally let her breath out slowly. "Look, I get it. I really do understand that you want to help me. I've always liked that about you, you know. Your kindness is one of the things that defines you. Just not this time, maybe? Sometimes I just need to fail so I can learn and deal with things." Then her eyes lit up, struck by an idea. "Maybe you can talk to your mom? You know, my dad knows how to handle me, and I bet your mom knows what it's like, too. She could give you adv—"

That made him frown, this sudden switch in subject. "My mom? Why are you bringing her into our conversation? She has nothing to do with all of this."

She looked at him sideways. "Are you sure? I think she's the perfect person to talk to about this, about what you're doing."

He shook his head, instantly defensive, resentful. This was a completely different thing and he didn't like it that Hinata would bring up his mom at a time like this. "No."

She nodded. "Right. Maybe I should go then. I don't think we're going to come to an understanding that's good for the both of us."

He agreed with her completely, but he was too miserable to stop her. "Hinata, please don't walk out on me again, I'm not going to be able to handle it. The last time you did that, I fell apart."

"If I stay here, I'm going to fall apart."

His jaw clenched. He was done begging.

She looked at him, her glance drifting over the tight expression on his face, his folded arms, his stance of refusal. She shook her head at him, took a step back. "I can't stay here." She gnawed on her lower lip, seeming to weigh her words. "Naruto, please don't do this?"

He wavered, almost gave in, but the memory of her crying in his arms made him shake his head.

Her eyes dimmed, but she squared her shoulders and looked him straight in the eyes. "Naruto, I don't want your guilt. I don't want your pity. I just want your acceptance."

"I'm just trying to help and support you the only way I know how, but you can't accept that."

Her lips were twisted into an awkward curve. "I know, and that's the crazy part. But it's not up to you to save me, Naruto. You're going to smother me with your kindness." She winced, causing a shaft of hurt to pierce him. "If I'm going to win this whole thing, I want to know that I did it on my own without…special treatment. If I lose, I'm prepared to lose to someone worthy. But if you drop out, it's going to change the way I see you."

"Fine! Go then!" he finally managed to say. "Just know I'm done chasing after you."

She looked back at him, a small smile on her face. "I hope this isn't good-bye. I'm going because I just don't want to stay here and say something I might regret."

He didn't respond, only wordlessly watched as she strode out of his office.

Hinata sighed once she was out of his building.

For the first time in her life, she was rattled, unable to express her thoughts to him. It was hard to explain how much she appreciated what he was trying to do, that she liked that he was considerate and thoughtful enough to want the best for her—but that type of kindness killed the spirit. She would much rather fly and fail.

But that was exactly the whole reason why she was in this situation. The mess she'd created was her own, and it was her responsibility to clean it up, not anybody else's, not Naruto's, her family's or her friends.

And it was hard to describe to him what she was feeling about him. On the one hand, his attempt to help her made her angry and bitterly disappointed because she really hated being pitied, especially by somebody she thought she knew. At the same time, Hinata didn't want to be the reason he would feel forced to do anything he didn't want to do: dropping out because he felt she needed it, or staying in the contest because she was angry and was trying to placate her. She didn't want him to change anything about his personality because it was such a part of him to be kind.

She meant what she'd said, that she loved that about him.

Loved that about him.

Love.

She abruptly stopped walking right in the middle of the street, and she heard a curse just as somebody bumped into her.

"Nandayo!" came a gruff voice and somebody rudely clicking their tongue at her.

But Hinata was too busy reeling from her own thoughts to register what was happening around her.

Because yes.

She loved him. Of course she was in love. How could she not?

Fuck.

Now she was in a bigger mess than before. She was not supposed to be developing deep feelings for a competitor, and especially during a fight, just when they were in the final stages, and not right at the cusp of discovering who was going to win this contest.

Go tell him, her heart cried. It might change the situation. Maybe he would be willing to listen to her one more time.

Ugh.

Her right hand suddenly came up to grip the fabric over her left breast, the pounding inside her breast getting stronger, the feeling that she should move and act intensifying with each passing second.

Her mind was screaming. Go, girl. Run back to him. Kiss him, hug him. It'll be alright. Just go to him.

She turned around and started walking back to his office. She should tell him. Maybe that would help the situation, give them both—

A memory of his face, angry, eyes filled with pity, flickered inside her brain, making her stop once more in her tracks.

Because there was no denying that she was right. The last couple weeks with him had shown her that he already viewed her in a different light, that she was no longer Hinata, a force to be reckoned with, that in his eyes, she'd become Hinata, a victim of a lion attack—an object of pity.

And she didn't want that, especially from somebody she admired and loved so much.

She shook her head, turned around, and deliberately started walking back to the station again.

No. It was too late. What he'd decided and what she'd said.

Plus, he'd given her the best reason now.

She could finally focus.

No more distractions.

All she had to do was push back whatever feelings she'd realized this night. That can of worms had to be squeezed back into that tin and sealed again.