Chapter 4: Legalese
Joey nervously bounced his leg from where he was waiting inside the waiting room outside the family lawyer's office. He buttoned the top button of his suit coat, then unbuttoned it before Monica caught him and gave him one of her classic, pointed looks, then re-buttoned it again.
Chandler had been right, of course: he almost never dressed this nice. Not for an audition. Not even for a date. When he did pull out his suit, it was almost always for a special occasion, be it party or wake.
He hadn't dealt with a lawyer in years. The last time he had, Estelle, his agent, had been with him, as she had formally brought him on as a client. They had negotiated things like residuals and union benefits as part of the Screen Actors' Guild.
This carried far more weight than residuals and union benefits. He and Monica, one of his best friends, were negotiating into an agreement to have a child together. Intentionally create life and produce a living, breathing human being. He figured he would be as excited as he had been that day she had first accepted his donor profile if, at the moment, he wasn't so scared. Was he honored? Oh, absolutely!
…. A small part of him didn't agree with the route Monica was taking, but if he had these thoughts, he kept them to himself. He wanted Monica to be happy and realize her dream, but he also knew that, if she were going to raise a baby at all, she wanted to do it with a spouse or romantic partner. She thought she had found that guy in Richard, but alas. Stealing a glance to her now, her face dipped into a magazine, Joey thought that a drastic step like a sperm donation wasn't entirely necessary. Monica still had lots of time to have a baby. She just needed to meet the right man, that's all.
It wasn't his place to say any of this, though. Monica was already dealing with enough flak from her brother, and though Joey couldn't say for certain, he wondered if Chandler harbored some objections as well. That thought, if true, surprised him: he figured Chandler would always be the first to defend Monica and support her choices. His roommate always had before; for Chandler, standing by Monica was like second nature.
It was second nature for Joey, too, but he found it would be easy to defend someone else's choice especially if he was the one also benefitting from it. He was getting a child, offspring, out of it.
…. But what else? Monica had made it quite clear that she intended to raise this baby alone. How was she going to do that when Daddy was living right across the hall? Unless she planned on moving once the baby came. That thought made Joey blanche. He was a sentimental fellow who rarely liked change; he already knew he – along with everyone else in their friend group – would miss Monica terribly.
"Joey? Try to sit still," Monica admonished him gently. In that moment, she sounded more like his mother than the woman who was offering to carry his child.
Joey stopped bouncing his leg. He hadn't even realized he had been doing it, after a while. Monica finally lifted her head out of the magazine, glanced at the clock. The secretary had said their lawyer was in a meeting but would be out in about ten minutes. Then Monica glanced over at Joey, biting her lip.
"Our situation doesn't have to be weird," she told him.
Joey nodded slowly. Was it unique? Most definitely. Weird? …. Maybe a little, but then again –
"It can only be as weird as we make it. If we let it," Joey pointed out to his friend with his signature, easy smile. Monica grinned back weakly. She laced her fingers through his and squeezed them.
"Thank you for doing this," she told him.
Joey nodded, squeezing her hand back.
The secretary now emerged. "Mr. Tawater will see you now!" She led Joey and Monica back into the hallway toward the offices. A stout, portly gentleman with a Santa Claus beard greeted them.
"Monica, Joey! A pleasure to meet you! I'm Mark Tawater." He shook each of their hands in turn. "Please, have a seat."
Monica and Joey each took a chair in front of Mark's desk. Mark himself settled into his leather-back armchair.
"Now, this is mostly just paperwork…." Mark murmured, shuffling through some papers on his desk. "Let's start small. The basics: medical history, Social Security numbers, things of that nature."
At this, Joey flushed. "You may see a lapse in my health insurance registration, Mr. Tawater. Um…. I'm an actor, you see. Paychecks carry a heavier weight for me than most."
"But you are insured now, yes, Mr. Tribbiani?"
"It's Joey. And yes, now I am. Again," he amended with a nervous chuckle. "Sort of rough not having those benefits when I was going through a damn hernia!" He started to laugh uncomfortably; next to him, Monica cringed. She inlaid her palm over his thigh and squeezed it.
"I thought I brought Joey to this meeting, not Chandler!" she whispered in his ear, under her breath. That shut Joey up.
Mark moved on. "Now, seeing as you clearly know each other, and you have made clear your wishes to have an open sperm donation, Miss Geller, I have to ask: what is your relationship to the donor?" He gestured at Joey.
"I'm sorry?" Monica blinked.
"I mean, are you, or have you ever been, together in a romantic sense? Ex-spouses, perhaps?" Mark was glancing between Monica and Joey curiously.
"Oh, no, no, no! Ew….." Monica chuckled, wincing. "We're just…. no, we're just really good friends." She platonically smiled at Joey, who nodded fervently at her side.
Mark smirked. "Friends with benefits, it would seem…." At Monica and Joey's blank, even horrified looks, he laughed richly. "Sorry. I was making a joke there, cause you're giving her your…." He shook his head and cleared his throat.
"OK: now on to responsibilities. By this, of course, I mean, your respective responsibilities before, during and after a healthy conception. Monica, I don't think we need to go into yours; those are fairly self-evident: keep yourself healthy during the pregnancy and then raise the child as best you can after the baby is born. Joey:" Mark faced the struggling actor: "Your responsibilities, such as they are, might sound complicated, when described under the law, but actually, they are fairly easy. You are, first and foremost, responsible for providing a sperm donation with the intention to inseminate Ms. Monica Geller. I understand you already have what we would call a plethora of sperm already donated to the sperm bank on Lexington Avenue?"
"Yes, sir," Joey straightened in his seat.
"May I ask why you made that donation?"
Joey cleared his throat. "I was recruited to perform a sex study down at NYU. Paid. I actually got the job because I did public health announcements for the NYC Free Clinic. I played Mario. I had venereal disease!" At Mark's befuddled look, Joey backpedaled. "No, I didn't actually have venereal disease; I was just modeling as a guy who has venereal disease…" Joey's voice trailed off when he saw Monica drop her head into her palm. He cleared his throat. "I was…. between gigs at the time, so I really needed the money." He glanced at Monica and smiled. "It was actually kind of funny – what are the odds that your best friend is given your profile to review?"
"Really?" Mark frowned, glancing to Monica. "But I thought all sperm donor profiles are anonymous. Names are redacted and it's just numbers."
Monica betrayed a smirk of wry amusement. "I don't know many guys in their late twenties who are struggling actors and have seven sisters."
"Really? What gave me away?" Joey quibbled facetiously.
Monica answered him anyway as if he were serious. "He wrote 'New York Knicks rule' under Personal Comments."
Mark chuckled. "Huh. I'm an Atlanta Hawks fan myself." A beat. "I'm from Atlanta," he explained. "Anyway, back to responsibilities at conception. Joey, as I have just laid out, do you understand your responsibilities for before conception, under the law?"
"Yes, Your Honor, I do," Joey responded almost automatically. Mark smirked in amusement, but didn't bother to correct Joey that he was not a judge.
"OK. Next is a list of negotiable additions to the agreement," Mark said. "First, agreed upon payment for said sperm?"
"Payment?" Joey said, furrowing his eyebrows.
"Yes, how much should Monica pay you for your sperm?"
"Ah, that would be zero," Joey said, after a moment.
"Zero?" Monica and Mark both said at the same time. Joey turned to Monica, this question never once crossing his mind.
"Hey, you might be getting Grade A beef here…" He grinned saucily. "But, for you, I do this for free…" He turned back to Mark. "Besides, I'm an actor; I often don't have two nickels to rub together anyway."
"Um, Joey…" Monica reminded him gently. "The payment would be me paying you, not you paying me."
"Oh." Joey blinked. A pause. "Well, then, it's still zero," he said with a nod. "That's it. I'm not going to ask you to…no."
"Are you completely sure?" she asked. "Joey, I was ready to pay…"
"Mon, the answer is no. Zero," he said, being surprisingly definitive, turning back to the attorney. "Next question, Mark." Monica turned to Mark and pursed her lips. She didn't agree with Joey's decision, especially if he likely needed the money.
"OK," Mark said. "Cost of insemination?"
"Oh, that's on me," Monica said quickly, sitting up straight and nodding. "I had already planned on it. I mean originally, when I was thinking of this before I even got Joey's profile, I…I had planned to cover the cost, all the cost on my own. Insemination, medical care, all of that."
She nodded as Joey squirmed in his chair, glancing at her. Suddenly, he felt bad for mentioning how he was flat broke. Surely, he could help her cover the cost in some way, however small….
"We can split it," he offered.
"Joey, no," she said with a heavy sigh. "You are already charging me nothing…"
"I can make sperm for free, ya know," he said with just enough of a grin that she was tempted to swat him. "I could have Estelle redirect some of my residuals from Days of Our Lives into your bank account. You know, I was Dr. Drake Ramoray…" he started to mention to Mark.
"He doesn't need to know that," Monica interrupted him, tamping down a smirk. She sighed. "Joey," she said softly. "This is my decision, remember? I'm not going to have you pay for something that is ultimately my responsibility. Besides, those residuals are your earnings. You should keep your money."
Joey felt his chest constrict just a bit at her words. Ultimately her responsibility. Having this baby, raising this child was going to "ultimately be her responsibility." She was right, but for some reason it didn't feel right to him – maybe it was the Italian in him. In his family, his culture, family was everything. But Monica was looking at him earnestly and after a moment, he nodded.
"OK," he said softly.
Mark hesitated before reading the next question.
"Joey," he said, clearing his throat. "As a sperm donor your responsibilities technically end when a successful conception is achieved."
"Which means?" he asked, already anticipating the answer.
"Which means, you're done," Mark said. "You have fulfilled your role and, at that point you can legally walk away from the situation, if that's what you want and what Monica wants."
"Oh," he said. The young man in him wanted to celebrate at being absolved of more responsibility, but because it was Monica who would be left holding the…. baby, he felt guilty.
Joey looked over at Monica.
"What…what do you want?" he asked quietly. She shook her head and swallowed hard, closing her eyes for a moment.
"It's up to you," she said just as softly. "I…I never expected that you would be responsible for anything beyond…but it's up to you whether or not you want to be more involved, or…"
Joey glanced at Mark, who was watching them with a bemused expression, and let out a deep breath.
"What are my options?" Joey asked, casting another glance at Monica. "Legally, I mean."
"Well, you have a few options," Mark explained. "You can be an anonymous donor, abdicating your parental responsibility and giving up all parental rights to the child…"
"So the…Monica's…the baby would never know who the father was?" Joey clarified.
"That's right," Mark nodded. Joey pursed his lips.
"I don't want that," Monica blurted out. "If that's what I wanted, I would have rejected Joey's profile and gone with an anonymous donor in the first place."
She turned to Joey and gently smiled at him, taking a deep breath and laying a hand on his arm.
"We might just be friends, but I want my baby to know you are his or her father," she said softly.
Joey grinned at her gratefully, placing his hand over hers. Monica smiled back as Mark cleared his throat.
"So, I suppose the next option, sealing the identity of the sperm donor until the child turns 18, is out of the question, too?" he asked. Joey tore his eyes from Monica's and looked at the attorney.
"Yeah," he said. "I mean, this is…we're really close friends, obviously, and we live across the hall from each other. That'd be a pretty big secret to keep and I…"
Joey paused, seemingly unsure what to say next, but clearly having something more on his mind. Monica studied him with her eyes, urging him encouragingly to continue.
"My Dad and I haven't always had the closest relationship. I grew up in the same house with him, and yet I never really felt like I knew him. Still don't, really," he said quietly. "I just…whatever the circumstances are I…I don't want Mon's baby to not know who I am if he or she wants to know. Ya know?"
Monica looked at him, suddenly feeling very grateful. It was a big step for someone of Joey's disposition to take, willing to accept responsibility, or at least accountability, on that day when their child would have questions about his or her parentage.
"OK," Mark nodded. "It will remain an open sperm donation then. If that's what you both want."
"I do," Monica said quickly through her smile as Joey nodded. "I do, but what does that mean, exactly?"
"It will be up to you to let your child know who his or her father is and," he nodded to Joey, "that he is willing to be acknowledged as that child's biological father. However, this agreement makes it clear that this is your baby, Monica. There is no custody arrangement. No shared custody or shared parenting, legally. Joey owes no child support. In turn, Joey, you have no rights to custody or even input when it comes to making decisions for the child. That is outside the realm of your responsibility, as far as this agreement is concerned. This agreement simply states that the sperm donor and recipient agree that the father's identity can be known at any time deemed appropriate by both parties before the child is 18. It makes no reference to how involved the donor is in the child's life, only that he or she exists and is willing to be contacted."
After a moment, Joey deadpanned, "So, basically, she'll have to pay me to babysit?"
Mark smiled and shook his head.
"Like I'll let you babysit," Monica shot back with a grin. A pause, and then: "Well…. if you were between acting jobs and really needed the money, I would."
Joey laughed. "Sure thing."