Chapter 5: That Should Be Me

Her insemination appointment had been early to mid-afternoon, and it was now getting on dark. Sure, it was Daylight Savings Time, Fall Back and all that, but Chandler didn't give a damn. These kinds of medical procedures couldn't possibly last all the way into the evening.

"It doesn't take that long to shoot someone up with sperm, does it?" he blurted out loud, to no one in particular, as he continued to practically wear a hole in Monica's prized rug from how much he was pacing. He sensed Joey doing the same thing near him, the man having just as much cause to worry as he, Chandler, did, bitter as that fact was. The two roommates patrolled back and forth, back and forth, up and down the length of Apartment 20, passing each other like ships in the night.

From where their trio of friends was seated on the couch, three abreast, Rachel scowled at Chandler's comment. "Chandler Muriel Bing! Your best friend is going through a sacred procedure, a rite of passage rich with meaning! And here you are making it sound like some…. drug deal gone bad!"

"Hey!" Phoebe frowned. "Don't knock drugs till you've tried them!"

Chandler momentarily paused in his pacing to eye Phoebe warily; Joey continued his sentinel motions, staying on his well-trodden course as if he hadn't heard their blonde friend. "I don't even wanna know what drugs you've tried, Pheebs…"

Phoebe sniffed. "I'm just saying, druggies are some of the sweetest, most misunderstood people you will ever meet!" Chandler scoffed and resumed his pacing. "I met tons of them when I was living on the streets!" She was getting worked up.

Ross patted her knee. "We get you, Pheebs." Straightening, the paleontologist took a beat before he lost all patience. "Oh, for God's sake, will you two knuckleheads stop that?!" His voice was little more than a bark, a warning shot that Angry Ross was about to come out and play. It was startling enough to make both Chandler and Joey jerk to a halt and nearly crash into each other. "It's not like she's dying!" He slouched back, grumbling. "To watch you nervous nillies, it's like my sister's the surrogate and you two are the…" His comment trailed off into a splutter.

Chandler sent his college buddy a sneer that either Ross didn't see or chose to ignore. This again! Why did none of his buddies drop the suspicion that he was gay? Two guys living together the way he and Joey did didn't mean that they were lovers or something!

While Chandler tried to give Ross a buy, given his experience at the hands of the other end of the homosexual spectrum, while it still bothered him that people might look at him and wonder just where his own sexual preferences lay, the paleontologist's irascible comment, about Monica being a surrogate for him and Joey, was actually almost a preferable scenario then the one he, Chandler, was going through now. He stole a secret glance at Joey, then looked away, trying not to pout like a tantrumming child. Even if he and Joey were gay and involved, at least then he might have some actual involvement in this bizarre scenario. At least there was the chance that one of his swimmers might fertilize with one of Monica's eggs and grant her with a child.

All at once, there was the click of a key turning in the lock, and the door opened, revealing Monica. She looked tired, yet breathless with anticipation. Hope. It quickly became a race between Chandler and Joey to see which one of them could get to her (more likely, run her down) first.

"How did it go?!" Joey's eyes were bulging and bright, his grin a million watts, the whine in his voice palpable and anxious.

Monica flushed. "I think it went well…. We'll just have to wait and see…." She patted his arm; next to them and unnoticed by either, Chandler stiffened. The jealous monster inside of him wanted to let out a hiss; it was a battle in itself not to turn green with envy.

This didn't have the makings of a love triangle – yet – but even if it did, it would be a triangle only in Chandler's own head. Why shouldn't Monica feel a shift in her feelings for Joey, especially once a pregnancy, if it took, progressed? Wasn't that how a woman's hormones worked? Make her all randy for the guy who knocked her up, irrespective of how he did it? Chandler watched Joey and Monica hug, his roommate's smile hopeful and proud, and couldn't help but feel left out.

No, it was worse than that. He felt cheated. That should be him looking at her with such pride and love, feeling honored that Monica had chosen to bear his child! That should be him, assuring her that everything would be all right, it would take, and in nine months, she would be a mother at last! That should….

Chandler actually jumped a little, startled, when Monica suddenly rounded on him. "And you…." she sighed, and could that actually be adoration in her voice? "You stepped up wonderfully, by the way. That family lawyer was a godsend!" She took a deep breath, her smile exhilarated. "Now we have plan!"

She suddenly threw her arms around him, hugging him round the neck. Chandler felt the stiffness in his muscles relax instantly and he sank into the embrace like a warm bath, rubbing along her spine.

"Whatever makes you happy, Mon…" he murmured. He meant it…. even if it was only up to a point. Even if it isn't with me.

The tiny part of him that strived to be the better man wanted to kick himself. When had he become so jaded?

Chandler was disturbed to realize that he knew exactly when: when his dream had morphed into being the woman now wrapped inside his arms. When he had fallen in love with his best friend.

He shouldn't have expected her to choose him over Joey, even as just a sperm donor. He shouldn't expect her to feel anything more for him than friendship. Still, the feelings stung. Stung all the worse for being unrequieted – or what Chandler assumed was and would be unrequieted.

Wow…. How come this hug was going on too long….? Chandler appreciated this and basked in it, even as he knew he would eventually have to let go. When he and Monica finally did, he glanced up and to the side only to find Phoebe watching him with a probing expression. He ducked his face away, a spasm of shame coursing through him even as he knew he had nothing to be ashamed about.

There was no shame in falling in love.

The pregnancy took hold. At the safe point of three months, following the first trimester, Monica formally made the announcement to her friends and family. Everyone was over the moon ecstatic, especially Joey, who developed an annoying habit of puffing out his chest and beaming with smug pride whenever he so much as looked at Monica's rounding belly. Then he would say something invariably along the lines of how it was 'his boys' or 'his swimmers' in there that had done all that work and Chandler wanted nothing more than to deck him. The data analyst only felt marginally better by Jack and Judy Geller's reaction upon learning who the father of their grandchild was: if there was one person they liked even less than Chandler (and their reasoning for disliking Chandler had never been fully explained), it was Joey Tribbiani. Chandler had always gotten the distinct impression, particularly from Mrs. Geller, that she believed there was something wrong in the head with Joey. Perhaps she was just a snob – the kind who would turn up her nose and exclaim with disdain: "Oh, he's an actor!" – a euphemism, in the vernacular of the elite, for an unemployed bum.

Somehow, this just made Chandler stew in Monica's choice of sperm donor all the more until it festered, like an open wound. If he had been the donor, at least he could have looked Jack and Judy Geller in the eye and said honestly that he had stable employment. At least he could have stated that he intended to provide for the child, even if it would have been a little white lie as Monica had made clear she wanted to raise this baby alone. And just like that, he came right back to his main concerns when the decision had been made: the concern that Joey had thought none of this through. That he had no earthly idea what was coming for him, legally absolved of all responsibility or not. Though he had never been a father himself, Chandler had to believe that once a child – your child – came into the world, everything changed.

He knew that he would change, were he the donor in Joey's place. He could learn how to be a good dad. He could change, better the worst of himself…. for her. He stole a glance at Monica; when she noticed, she smiled brightly at him, and his whole damn stomach inverted.

Despite knowing his limited to nonexistent involvement after the birth, Joey tried to soak up every moment he could. He insisted on accompanying Monica to her OBGYN appointment, as if she needed an escort or something. It was the gentlemanly thing to do, perhaps, but Chandler knew damn well Joey had an aversion to hospitals that was worse than his – or Ross's, for that matter.

The day Monica and Joey were to attend her first OBGYN appointment, Chandler skipped breakfast over at the girls' place and headed in to the office early. He found himself stealing glances at the phone, hoping any one of his friends would call – he didn't care which once – to report any news about whether or not the appointment had gone well.

Chandler eventually got a call, all right – just not the one he would have imagined, even if he should have been half-expecting it.

Joey observed with boyish fascination, as Monica hiked up her tank top to expose her midriff for the OBGYN to rub the gel on her distended stomach. He wanted to touch her, but refrained, unsure whether it was his place. In the back of his mind was always the reminder that he and Monica were not, and would not be, conventional expecting parents, so did that mean the little moments that normally came with pregnancy were out the window too. Could he touch her belly, or kiss it? Joey decided he would have to ask permission to do such a thing, out of an abundance of caution. Plus, it was just good manners.

Joey beamed, squeezing Monica's hand from where his fingers were laced through hers. He was close to bouncing from where he was squatting beside the gurney.

Monica giggled as the gel touched her skin. "Ooooh! That tickles…." The pair of friends watched the screen as the nurse moved her wand around.

LA-PUSH-DUB, LA PUSH-DUB….

Monica winced with concern. "That heartbeat sounds a little fast….. Does it sound a little fast to you?" she glanced to Joey anxiously. He haplessly shrugged. He had no experience as a doctor: he just played one on TV.

The OBGYN had an odd expression on her face: bemused, and intrigued. She moved the wand about Monica's abdomen again. At last, she nodded once. "This is not a case of arrhythmia or anything like that, Miss Geller. On the contrary: what we have here are two heartbeats."

Monica went white. She and Joey shared a stunned look. Then she laughed nervously. "Oh, I'm sorry – we're just having one…."

The nurse looked again. "Nope. I count one…. Two….." She moved her wand for emphasis.

Joey gaped. Then he grinned. "Yeah, boy….! That's my boys that did that! We're having twins!" Next second, his entire expression collapsed as the implication finally caught up with him. Monica glowered at him with impatience.

"Oh for God's sake, get there faster!" she snapped, feeling only slightly guilty at letting the hormones take over.

Joey had turned ghastly pale. "We're having twins. It's, a…. a….. a….." Suddenly, Joey's eyes rolled back into his head and his thighs fell out from under him so that he crumpled like a puppet out of his squat, hitting his head on the gurney railing on the way down.

Monica's jaw dropped, horrified. "Joey?!... Joe!"

The OBGYN cringed. "Oh, dear. Yes, that…. that sometimes can happen." At Monica's gaping, she added, "It's a perfectly normal reaction…."

"Get him a glass of water!" Monica ordered. She tried to sit up, but she couldn't. "And could you please get my phone in my purse?!"

"Of course, dear…. Does the father have an emergency contact?" The nurse paused. "Unless, of course, that's you…."

Monica shook her head. "It's our friend, Chandler. Chandler Bing." Her best friend's office line popped into her head. "646-867-5309! No extension!"

The nurse hurriedly dialed.

The phone shrilled sharply, piercing the stillness of Chandler's office and he lunged for it, nearly toppling forward out of his office chair and onto his knees. "WENUS data analytics, Chandler Bing's office! ….. This is he….. Wait: what?!..." He groaned. "Oh, no…"

By the time Joey had been checked out for a head injury then discharged, after Monica had been released with the news that there were two damn babies growing inside of her instead of one, it was dark.

And Chandler was steaming.

He put in just enough effort to help Joey hobble to their front door and see him into Apartment 19 before Chandler was turning on his heel and stalking into Apartment 20.

"What a disaster…. What a fucking disaster!" he spat, his voice rising up beyond the edge of his breath.

Behind him, he could sense Monica setting down her purse, waddling over towards him. She drifted, hovered, behind Chandler, biting her lip, embarrassed on both Joey's behalf as well as her own.

"Thank you for coming, sweetie…. I know it was a shock…."

Chandler barked out a mirthless laugh. "That's an understatement! The last time Joey fainted, at least it was for a scene onstage! Hell, I'm pretty sure he hit his head that time too!"

Monica must have sensed something in his tone, for how she leapt to her baby daddy's defense. This only succeeded in making Chandler even angrier. "Do you think I planned for this?!"

Chandler turned around to face her, chortling with derisive laughter. "Actually, honey, you did!" His expression was somewhere between a crazed smile and a sneer. "You had to go and get yourself knocked up with twins by the most immature man either of us has ever known! Just because you know the guy doesn't mean Joey's cut out to be a father!"

"He's not going to have any of the responsibilities of being a father!" Monica blasted out. "I'm doing this alone!"

"And how do you think that makes him feel?" Chandler demanded. "How do you think Joey is going to feel stepping out into the hall every day, knowing there's a chance of bumping into you, a mini-clone of you, or a mini-clone of him? How are you going to spin that one, Mon? 'Well, kids, Mommy and Daddy don't sleep in the same bed. Shit, we don't even live in the same house! But if you want to ask your father something, you can just go toddle right across the hall!'"

Monica was gawping at Chandler, open-mouthed. As for Chandler himself, he had no idea how he had landed on actually defending Joey, his rights as a father, such as the family legal agreement gave him any, but damnit, this… this was….

Monica's face was growing red, as she spluttered to find words. "Oh, like you could have done any better as a father!" she jeered, going right for the jugular.

Chandler did his best to bat aside how much this wounded him. "I could have!" he retorted. "I wouldn't have fainted like a rattled idiot in the hospital room! I wouldn't be dancing around in relief the way Joey probably will be eventually knowing I have no responsibilities once Junior and Susie come popping out of Mommy's hoo-ha!"

Monica started laughing scornfully. "Oh, says the man who has run from every serious relationship he's ever had! God, this is so rich…."

"I wouldn't run from you!" Chandler hurled out, roaring. Monica froze, studying him, pondering his words. Chandler was breathing hard. "If those babies were mine, if you were…." he faltered, but only slightly. "I would NEVER leave you!"

"Lower your voice!" Monica hissed, even as her blue eyes widened at Chandler's raving. "Rachel could be asleep!" And she crossed towards the guest room to check on exactly that.

"Oh, let her hear!" Chandler bawled. "Between this and Joey giving us his best 'I've-Got-No-Strings' impression, this is enough of a circus!" Monica turned back to him, closing Rachel's bedroom door from where she had opened it just a crack; from the sliver he glimpsed, Chandler could tell the room and bed were empty. Rachel must be out for the night. "You….. you're just….."

"What, Chandler? I'm just what?" Monica glowered, stomping over to him. "I'm just stupid and naïve for chasing what I want? Is that what you were going to say? Well, let me tell you something, mister:" and she poked her finger in his chest. "I only became a chef because of you! You were the one who inspired me to do it!" (Chandler stared at her). "So maybe you should take your own advice and go after what you want for once in your life…!"

"What I WANT is YOU, woman!" Chandler thundered.

Silence. The air seemed to get sucked out of the room. Chandler didn't even have the energy to clap a hand over his gawping mouth, which was almost certainly matching how Monica's jaw was now unhinged and nearly on the floor.

Eyes huge, Chandler just managed to back away a step or two. His mind was a blank. Forget about finding something to say, even to just salvage this catastrophe.

He watched as Monica's expression softened slightly, bewildered and bemused as it began to dawn on her:

"Chandler?... Are…. Are you jealous? That I'm having these babies with Joey?"

He couldn't lie to her. Had never been able to. It was only small consolation to know that she was an even worse liar than he was. He nodded slowly.

"I know I never filled out a donor application," he pointed out, reminded her softly. "But when you backpedaled and decided to go for an…. open sperm donation with someone known to you…. I was jealous that if given the choice between Joey and me, you chose him." He could feel tears gathering behind his irises and he wrestled with himself in his refusal to wipe them away. "I just…. wish that you had chosen me. I….. I wanted it to be me." The moisture was slipping down his cheeks now. "And I didn't want it to be me until my job was done or my responsibility to a kid stopped at the water's edge of insemination. I wanted it to be me, period. Forever."

Monica was gazing at him as if she had never seen him before, her lips slightly parted in wonder. She appeared downright astonished.

Chandler bowed his head, shaking it, sniffling.

"It isn't even about how Joey laid some claim. That he got some. Technically, he didn't get anything, with the way these kids were conceived." He chuckled at himself. "And even if he had gotten some, with someone, somewhere, hell, I'm used to that." He lifted his face to meet her eyes. "But whether or not Joey got something or nothing doesn't matter so much as the fact that in a certain way, he got YOU!"

Monica staggered back a step, a hand drawn to her mouth, astounded. "I…. I had no idea you felt this way…." she breathed.

"Yeah? Well, I did," Chandler snorted. A beat, and then he laughed at himself. "I probably wouldn't have been this much out of my head with jealousy if you had shot yourself up with Richard's sperm!"

"…. And yet you still arranged for us to see that family lawyer…. You helped me, even though you were hurting…" Monica was whispering to herself, staring off to the side at nothing, as if she hadn't heard Chandler. Clearly she was thinking out loud. "I didn't know you were hurting…."

"You know what hurts the most?" Chandler scoffed bitterly. Monica turned and peered at him. "That at some point – maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday – you'll change your mind. You'll want Joey to become more involved. You'll want to be with him, maybe get married, even if it's just for the sake of the kids, but still you'll want to…."

He was rambling like a drunken madman, inebriated on his own heartsick grief. So it came as a shock to feel the words die a sharp yet also peaceful death in his throat as Monica suddenly crossed to him, flung her arms around his neck and kissed him.

Her lips were soft, warm, passionate and earnest. Cradling Chandler's face in her hands, she kissed him again and again, and Chandler finally clued in as, with a lustful groan, he curled his arms about her waist, pulled her flush into him and dizzyingly kissed her back.

It was several, sensuous moments before they broke apart, Monica caressing his face in an almost contemplative manner, her eyes still lidded, the lashes fluttering.

Chandler beamed. "Oh….. My….. God….."

He kissed her again, initiating the embrace this time, and he only got a hold of himself when Monica began furiously escalating and deepening the embrace. Chandler had to force himself to come up for air and twist out of her arms. Monica lurched after him, her face appearing in a love-struck daze. "Now, you keep away from me, now – far away from me!"

"What is it?" Monica breathed, dazed. "What's wrong?"

"God, nothing! But…. Monica….." And Chandler eyed her with a warning frown. "Don't do this just because you have needs. Urges. You don't need to pity me, even and especially not if it's the hormones talking."

From the way she scrunched up her face, he feared that he might have unintentionally offended her. "It's not pity. And it's not hormones." Smiling brightly, she glided over to him, looping her arms about his neck. "I want you, Chandler."

Chandler let out a boyish giggle, his smile adorable. "OK…." Leaning in, the couple embraced and kissed tentatively, exploring this new intimacy. How it was thrilling, scary and new.

"Mmm – wait! Wait…." Chandler leaned back in Monica's arms. "You don't want Joey?"

Monica threw back her head and laughed musically at this. "Why on earth would I want Joey?"

"Well…. because of the hormones. I would think since he's the father, you'd just want to get randy with him…."

Monica smirked. "You really don't know how hormones work, do you? Right now, I'm so horny, I'd go for a roll with Gunther behind the coffeehouse counter!"

"Please don't," Chandler winced.

Monica giggled and swayed into him, kissing him again. "If my hormones were really bad right now, I'd want to screw any guy I saw, except for Ross. But, right now…. I'm going to make love to you, my Chandler, because I want to." She began to walk backwards, taking Chandler by the hand and leading him with purpose towards her bedroom. Chandler watched her in wonder, his gaze flicking briefly down towards her swollen belly.

"I don't want to hurt the babies…."

Monica felt tears prick at her eyes. This dear, sweet, wonderful man! …. How could she have not seen how she was leaving him in agony….? "You won't…." she cooed.

"I don't want to hurt you."

"And I would never hurt you. So let's just do this now before…. we…."

Whatever she meant to say was silenced by Chandler leaning in slowly and smothering her lips in a deep and breath-stealing kiss. The pair of friends clutched at each other and kissing him back, Monica absently closed the bedroom door with her foot.

Chandler made love to a pregnant Monica as though she was an idol.

Squirming above her, he thrust into his true love with awe, kissing her lazily and languorously everywhere he could reach: on her lips, in the soft curve of her neck, her eyelids, her dark hair that now fanned out around her head like a halo, on her voluptuous belly where babies sired by another man lay within. On her mouth once more.

Monica held him closer, guiding him to where she liked to be touched. She directed his hands to cup her bare and ballooning breasts, even though they were already sore and painfully tender from pregnancy, the tits hardened, her nipples stiff.

"Monica…." Chandler breathed in awe of this breath-taking woman, moaning into her creamy neck. "I…. I love you….."

"Ohhhhhh… I love you….. More than my own life, I love you…." Monica sighed.

She felt Chandler freeze against her for all of a moment and then he sighed:

"Say it again…."

She did, and with tears springing to her eyes. "I love you….."

"More….."

"I love you, Chandler, I love you…." Monica babbled. He was fucking her in weak little bursts now until at last, with a grunt and a shudder, he came inside her. It only took a few more ministrations before Monica was arching her back and crying out in pleasure as Chandler brought her to orgasm.

His palms were ghosting over her belly in wonder. "Fuck, you're so beautiful…."

Monica shook her head. "You won't be saying that in a few months…"

"Oh, yes, I will!" Chandler promised, catching her eyes and holding them, his whisper laced with fire. "You are." He kissed her nose, then her stomach once more.

"Imagine if one day, we made love like this while you were pregnant with my babies…."

Monica chuckled, smiling in contentment. "I'd like that…" she admitted honestly. Smirking, her baby blues dancing, she leaned in and whispered: "And don't worry – any children of ours wouldn't be achieved via a sperm bank. You'd get something that Joey never got: baby-making the old fashioned way!"

Laughing, Monica and Chandler rolled about under the covers, naked in each other's arms.

They cuddled in post-coital bliss for a long time, Monica allowing Chandler to spoon her, stroke her hair.

"….. Chandler….?" Her whisper pinged out.

"Hmm?"

"…. Is it OK to say that I'm scared?"

Turning her face to his, Chandler kissed her tenderly. "Have faith, my love," he reassured her, his voice saturated with ardor. "Everything will soon be made right. You are going to have these babies safely and healthy…. and you're going to be the most amazing mother!"

Monica pursed her lips emotionally and held him closer. "…. Thank you…."

"And don't worry: I'll be there for you. So will Joey…." Chandler promised.

And he watched as his new lover slowly drifted off to sleep in his embrace.