The world feels heavy today. It's like the weight of a blanket tightly tucked in and crushing me. It is hard to move without feeling like pushing through heavy tar. Everything is blurred at the edges, almost as though it isn't real. It is hard to focus on the things passing by as I am slowly pushed in the wheelchair towards the hospital entrance. The nurse is humming to herself but it all seems so far away. I don't know what drug they gave me but I am torn between enjoying the almost stoned sensation, or the terrifying fear. The fear something that came with the life of a soldier. That fear of not being able to react quickly enough as you fight your way through flames.
What I do know, is the reason why I am sitting in this chair. After twenty days in this hell hole of a psychiatric ward, I am finally being discharged. It feels like forever, what little I can really remember as it blurs into one. Twenty days of constant supervision as though a child wrapped tightly in bubble wrap. Twenty days of being so heavily medicated that you cannot fight back against the man-handling of the orderlies. Twenty days of therapy means nothing anymore. And most importantly twenty days of not truly being able to be with my love. This lonely ache in my heart has remained, no matter the distance between us.
He stands there now, thin and tired. There are dark rings around his eyes. He's filling out the paperwork to take me home now. His hands clutching at a bag likely containing more of this chemical cocktail I find myself on now. But he smiles one of those genuine little smiles reserved only for me, and I feel my heart skip a beat. Maybe he missed me as much as I missed him.
When I stand I almost fall, still feeling wobbly on my feet. The blur of my vision unable to sense the floor beneath causing me to stumble. But I am caught in strong warm arms and pulled against his chest. I am met with the rough yet familiar touch of his faded denim jacket. He feels like a lifeline grounding me in the moment. Damn, these drugs. God, I missed this. I really am addicted to him, and I don't think I could live a life without him in it now.
I turn and give the nurse a cheeky thankful grin, and a wink of an eye. She blushes. She had been a part of the ward team while I was here and she was genuinely kind which seems like an odd thing to say now. But it felt that some doctors and nurses were merely there just to do a job and get paid. But she wanted to do more. She had wanted to help people. I think I would have missed her if I hadn't been desperately trying to forget my time there.
Heero takes my hand gently in his and leads me from the reception desk and out towards the exit.
And suddenly I am outside. The cold fresh air burns my lungs but I gulp it down regardless. Tears sting my eyes but I refuse to let them fall. I never thought I would be happy to breathe processed colony air again.
I can feel my legs give beneath me again. Turned almost to stone refusing to move. The drugs numbing the pain of landing heavily onto my rear. But Heero is there again, kneeling in front of me with concern flashing in those deep ocean-blue eyes of his. But I smile, and he moves to sit beside me while we wait for the dizziness to pass.
"You know 'Ro," I whisper. "I really missed you." I lean against his shoulder and he wraps an arm around my waist pulling him closer.
"Feels like forever," he says leaving a gentle kiss on my cheek as we sit there. Focusing on Heero's touch to anchor me through the torrent of emotions.
"I'm sorry 'Ro. I, I…" I mumble between the quiet sobs.
"You have nothing to apologise for Duo."
"But I do…" I hold my breath for a moment waiting for the familiar retort of the demons who would respond to my own self-depreciative words. But there is no response. Perhaps these drugs are good for something after all. But damn if I wasn't going to miss the company sometimes.
"Come on, let's get you home." He stands, slowly pulling me up to him. And I allow myself to be carefully guided to the car, wishing for the past twenty days to never have happened.
The car journey passes in comfortable silence. My forehead pressed against the cold window pane. And I let my mind wander untethered as I finally began to relax.
"So, what happened," were the first words that came from Dr Willows's voice when she saw me sitting alone in the therapy room staring out of the plastic window between the bars at the world below.
"Nothing, I'm fine," I bite back sounding harsher than I would have liked after all she was only ever trying to help me. How many times have I said this in my life I wonder.
She slumped heavily on the plush leather chair opposite me, rubbing the bridge of her nose. Stress seemed to radiate out of the woman who was usually so well-composed. "You're clearly not fine Duo. And you don't have to pretend you are. If you were 'fine' you wouldn't be in here, would you? So, tell me what happened. Tell me more than what I managed to squeeze out of Heero Yuy a few days ago."
The shock was evident on my face, she just met my gaze unfaltering. "You- you talked to Heero?"
"I did," she countered unflinchingly. "All I could get out of him was that you were unable to attend our session because you were incapacitated on the suicide watch ward. And I would rather hear it from you instead of reading it from your notes. The doctors here are useless anyway." I could see the edges of her tightly pursed lips twitch into a smirk betraying her feelings. No doubt she must have had encounters with the mental health team here before.
I shrugged, returning my gaze to the window. "I'll tell you what I told Heero, what I told everyone else. I don't remember. I. Do Not. Remember."
"Well let's start with what you can remember." A question that hadn't once been asked in my entire stay here in the psych ward.
"The waiting room. The one at your office. That's all I can remember. And just thinking about it is giving me a headache" I responded, closing my eyes, and trying to shut her out. I wasn't in the mood to deal with this. Not a single person here had even asked about that day. They were all too concerned with what drugs to pump into my body and whether were there any new marks or bruises against the paleness of my exposed skin.
She sat silently watching me. I could feel her eyes on me. "And then?"
"And then… I don't know. I woke up in the hospital." Anger flared within me, trying to justify a reason to not keep me locked up here. Locked up with the real crazies. Worse things had happened to me in my life. Why should one little fuck up in the grand scheme of things leave me stuck in here. I was a soldier; I was stronger than this. Why was it that taking another's life was praised, yet wanting to take control of my own was condemned?
"There's no shame in crying Duo." I hadn't realised I had been. And now I was acutely aware of the droplets rolling down my cheeks. "Have you had these gaps before?"
I nodded slowly, giving myself time to gather words that wouldn't show how much I had really suffered in that time. "I – sometimes. Sometimes I couldn't remember the missions afterwards."
"When you get these memory gaps, how were you feeling?"
I shrugged with my back to her. "I don't know. Upset or stressed, I guess, normal soldier feelings. I just learned to live with it. Just got on with the job. It's handy to not have to remember the things you do in war, you know."
"You don't always have to be in control Duo. And if you keep things buried deep enough, then they turn toxic." She sighed and came to stand with me at the window.
"I will sign your release forms." I perked up at that. But she held up a hand showing three fingers to silence me. "But there are some caveats to this. One, I am going to diagnose you with dissociative identity disorder. More precisely dissociative amnesia. But don't stress about it, DID and DA are just other symptoms of PTSD which we already know you have. And I am sorry I didn't see it sooner. That's on me as a Doctor." She dropped a finger.
"Two, I want you on a new medication which should help level out your mood and hopefully reduce the effect of your triggers." Another finger dropped. Great more drugs.
My stomach began to lurch painfully, expecting the crushing blow. "Three, only once you have passed the minimum two-week period where your body has become adjusted to the prescription will you be released." The last finger descended. "I'm not having you go out there only to be triggered and for this to happen again. Or God forbid you hurt someone." Heero, she is talking about Heero I thought with a grimace.
I must have physically slumped with shock then. And I remember her hand reaching out for my shoulder. "And the best news is that I will be doing your therapy sessions instead of these idiots."
I was woken from my daze when Heero turned the engine off outside the apartment. I hadn't realised just how out of it I must have been. How out of it I must still be. What I wouldn't give for these drugs to wear off. My movements while attempting to un-do my seatbelt were still unsure and sluggish. But I found my door opening for Heero to lean across and help me. Bundling me into his arms without a second thought and disregarding the belittling looks from passers-by. I clung desperately to him nuzzling into his arms and breathing in his scent. Was he always this strong? Or had I really lost that much weight on terrible hospital food? Damn, I am looking forward to a damn good pizza.
"Hey Duo," came a whisper in my ear. "I need to put you down now so I can open the door, okay?" I nodded weakly, trying to find the floor on the way down, but still clinging to him like a child to its mother. Not trusting myself to faint, I was seriously beginning to think that they must have double-dosed me to keep me muddled during my discharge.
Strong hands guided me to a familiar bed, where I collapsed upon it, dragging my love down with me. It was only then that the intense tears that had been threatening to fall all day washed over me. But he let me cry. Let me sob like a small child losing their favourite toy never to be seen again. His shirt was drenched in tears of release and what I like to think were also tears of joy. The realisation of finally being away from that place hit me like a tonne of bricks. But he just wrapped his arms around me and ran soothing circles with his fingertips over my back.
"Please don't leave me," I managed to get out in between sobs. I couldn't help but think to myself why would anyone want to be with a wreck like me. Someone who is so mentally unstable that not only do they have horrific memory blackouts that steal someone the most important parts of their lives, but they also cut up their skin, and have attempted suicide so many times.
But Heero had always been there, hadn't he. Part of me wondered that if he was going to leave, then he would have done it already. Memories of the time in the hospital after Wing Zero had exploded over the presidential palace flashed through my mind. For a moment he was there. It felt as though I had closed my eyes for only a second, and he was gone. And now with the roles were reversed and he had stayed. I could see him in my mind lying in my hospital room on a makeshift cot on the cold hard floor. I shouldn't have put him through that. He shouldn't have to deal with me now. He would probably only tell me off for thinking like this.
"Are you angry with me 'Ro?" His grip on my body tightened, pulling him so close that I could feel his heartbeat against my cheek.
"No, you did nothing wrong," came his stoic response. "You have nothing to apologise for. It was the demons in your head that made you do it." I wished so much that that was true.
"Shinigami…" I whispered to myself, wondering if he was going to suddenly break through the ice into consciousness again. "I can't pretend like it didn't happen…"
"I know love. Just let me take care of you, you need to rest."
I smiled to myself in my half-asleep daze. "Just please. Please don't give up on me 'Ro."
"Never." He dropped his head leaving gentle kisses on my forehead. "I love you Duo."
I yawned, snuggling into his embrace as I allowed myself to be comforted. "Love you too 'Ro."
And I was surrounded by his warmth and the steadiness of his heartbeat as I finally drifted off to sleep.