Alone
Chapter 1
It was another wedding in the family, but not just another one. There had been several. Jarrod's was first, except his had occurred in Denver and ended in tragedy not long after and no one talked about it, now that the other weddings were happening.
The other weddings were at the Barkley home, more joyous occasions that were happening in rapid succession in this year. First Audra and Carl Wheeler decided to stop pussyfooting around and were married on a sweet-scented day in late April, in the rose garden. Jarrod gave his sister away and Nick was Carl's best man.
It wasn't long after that Nick finally met a woman, new in town, who was not carrying any baggage around. Sarah Stevens was the sister of a new banker in town and his assistant, a woman in her late 20s and eight years younger than Nick. She and Nick hit it off when he was seeking a loan to cover the coming fruit crop and Nick learned that she knew her way around the financial and accounting world very well. They were married the following August, in the house itself, with Heath as Nick's best man.
Heath had been seeing a young woman in town for most of that year. Her name was Sandra McKee, she was Heath's age and had come to Stockton to teach school. When Audra and then Nick married, Heath and Sandra decided it was time for them too, and they married in early December.
It was at Heath's wedding that Victoria heaved the biggest sigh. Sandra had no relatives in town, so Jarrod asked if he might give her away. Watching Jarrod do the honors again, looking so handsome and even serene when he offered Sandra's hand to Heath and then sat down beside his mother, Victoria had a sudden rush of this is wonderful but not quite right. She was thrilled for Heath, adored Sandra, and it wasn't that the wedding or the marriage weren't right.
It was that Jarrod was here alone again. There was no one in his life and there hadn't been since Beth. He never talked about it, never even seemed unhappy about it, but to Victoria he was the one left out. He was in his 40s now and was even beginning to sport a little gray hair at his temples. It wasn't right that he had no one to love, no one who loved him.
And something else wasn't right either.
When the festivities of Heath's wedding were over, Audra and Carl returned to Carl's ranch, and Heath and Sandra moved to their new home built on Barkley property closer to town. That left Nick and Sarah at the big house, with Victoria and Jarrod, and that left Victoria with another big sigh and to her mind, another big problem.
Jarrod stayed up late, alone in the parlor reading in his "thinking chair," but Victoria came down to talk to him. She wanted to have some time alone with him. Jarrod was not surprised. He had made note of her big sigh when he had given Sandra to Heath and sat down beside her at the wedding. Her big sighs usually meant a discussion was coming.
Jarrod put his cigar into the ashtray on the coffee table and set his book aside on an end table, as Victoria sat down on the settee, facing him. "It's been a big day," Jarrod said. "I thought you'd be exhausted."
"I'm still winding down, I guess," Victoria said.
"Something's bothering you, and I suspect it's me," Jarrod said.
Victoria smiled a little. "Not exactly. No, maybe in fact, it is you but it's more me." She steadied her gaze at her oldest son. "Heath and Audra are both in homes of their own now. Nick and Sarah have a home here, and it should be their home – " She hesitated.
"But you and I are in the way," Jarrod said flatly.
"To put it bluntly, yes," Victoria said. "I've been thinking – a small home in town might be a better idea for me."
"Maybe," Jarrod said, "and if that's what you want, that's what you should have, but that makes you worried for me."
It took a moment for Victoria to say, "Where is your life, Jarrod? It's been partly here and partly in San Francisco for years, but – does either place hold the life for you that you really want?"
"Mother, why don't you just come out and say what you really mean?" Jarrod said, softly, not angrily or even uncomfortably. "I'm not settled, and I'm not married, and that's what's worrying you."
"It's been quite a while since you lost Beth," Victoria said. "And I'm afraid that experience – all of that experience – has made you very cautious. Maybe too cautious."
Jarrod leaned back and looked away, beginning to be a little put out now even though he understood how she felt and why. "And I should be getting over it. And maybe I am." He sobered. "If it weren't for our wedding photo in my room, I wouldn't even remember what Beth looked like. But yes, maybe I still am a bit aimless – a bit cautious – because of everything that happened." He looked at her again. "Putting aside everything that happened to me, haven't you been too, since Father died?"
"Yes," Victoria admitted. "But I suppose it's easier for a widow with children, in a way. There are certain expectations, certain social norms. Slots we can fit into – the home we always had until one of our children marries and we either stay the dowager in the house or take on a smaller home of our own."
"But what do you do with the oldest son who doesn't remarry and doesn't belong in the family home?" Jarrod asked.
Victoria started to say something.
Jarrod cut her off. "No, Mother, don't give any thought to anything like that. This ranch is Nick's and always has been Nick's since Father's death. This home is his, not mine. I never had any other expectations and I'm not remotely bitter about it. As you said, my life has been partly here and partly San Francisco, but not entirely either place. Especially not entirely here."
Jarrod waited a moment in case Victoria wanted to say something, but she didn't seem to know how to say what it was.
Jarrod said, "All your other children are married. Even Eugene in Baltimore is married. But your oldest is a widower before he should have been. You want me to marry again."
"You're a smart man, an attorney and a wealthy man in your own right," Victoria said.
"And any woman would want me, but you know that's not all there is to marriage," Jarrod said. "It took me a long time to find Beth, Mother. I just haven't found anyone else."
Victoria nodded. "But have you really been looking?"
"Maybe not," Jarrod said with a sigh. "Maybe it isn't so much because I lost Beth, but – " He didn't know how to say it.
"It's partly because you lost yourself, too." Victoria did know how to say it.
"Yes," Jarrod said quietly. "As much as you want it, maybe I'm not ready to marry again, for more than one reason. But, you are also right about the principal thing. This needs to be Nick's and Sarah's home, to raise their own family in, just as Heath and Audra have their own homes and God willing, will have their own families. You want a small house in town, and I know we can find you one you'd be very happy in. But I won't be there with you, and I won't be here either."
"You'll go to San Francisco?"
"I can move there and get a suite at the Stockton House to stay in when I'm here. You see, I've already given some thought to the same things you've been thinking about."
Victoria sighed. "Now I feel like I've run you out of your home."
Jarrod got up and came to sit beside her. He held her hand. "No more than you've run yourself out. And I think you'll be happy in a place of your own in town, just as I'll be happy to call San Francisco my main home and a suite at the Stockton House my second home. It'll make it harder for Nick to grab me to fix a fence or herd cattle."
Victoria had to chuckle a little at that.
Jarrod asked, "Have you talked to Nick about any of this?"
"No," Victoria said.
"Well, you better let me do it," Jarrod said. "Or at least have first crack at it. Tomorrow, if you want me to. Once he's used to the idea, we can find you that little house in town."
Victoria rested her head on his shoulder. "This year certainly has changed everything, hasn't it?"
"Yes," Jarrod said. "But we both know they've been good changes. They've been marvelous changes. Are you less worried now?"
"Less worried," Victoria said, "and maybe even a little excited. But a little sad, too. Not just about you. We've had quite a life in this home, haven't we?"
"It's not over yet, and it won't be even when we move out," Jarrod said. "There will be other little Barkleys growing up here soon. They'll be part of our lives in this home."
"And that's the way it should be," Victoria said.
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"No, no, no, no, no." Nick did not agree.
Jarrod pulled him off to the library where they could talk alone together the next morning, and he told Nick what he and Victoria had decided the night before. "Nick, you and Sarah need this to be your home now. A woman wants her own home to raise her own family, and with Heath moving on, this home should be yours and Sarah's, and not mine and Mother's."
"You're making me feel like I'm running you out!" Nick said.
"You're not running us out!" Jarrod said. "Mother and I decided this without you! Sarah should have her own home, and Mother should have her own home too! She wants to have a small place in town. She has friends there. She has things to do there like at the church and the orphanage. It will be good for her, and she's excited about it."
"And what about you?"
"Me? Nick, I already have another home."
"If you think you're gonna quit doing the family legal business – "
"Of course, I'm not," Jarrod said. "I'm going to keep a suite at the Stockton House. I might not spend as much time in Stockton as I did living here, but I will still keep my office here and do the family business. The only thing changing is where Mother will rest her head and where I'll rest mine, and with Heath moving over to his own place, this makes a whole lot of sense. And you know it."
Nick grumbled. Of course, it made sense, but all this change in just this one year was disconcerting. Nick did not like change.