I was afraid that this would be the last peaceful moment I would have with him.

The unclear challenges that laid ahead of us were as vast as the ocean in the Vivarium, and I was sure they would drown us. I wouldn't get another chance to sit here on this beach, with his head on my lap. I would never get back the feeling of the cool, salty air that licked our cheeks as I ran my fingers through the soft locks of his hair. It would all become a distant memory, washed out into the sea and forgotten. There would be nothing to cling onto as it sank to the bottom of the ocean.

There would be no choice but to watch as all of the good things were crushed under the weight of the bad. It would all snap in two under its pressure, and I wasn't sure if I could survive it.

If we could survive it.

It wasn't an easy task, smothering the burning fires of despair and uncertainty. But I couldn't let it consume me, not yet. I wanted to be present here, forever in this moment with Sebastian. I wanted time to cease, and for all of the chaos and evil things that lurked in the shadows to disappear like the sand under the waves. I wanted it to dissolve in the water, and become so muddled you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between it and the rest of the sea.

But even I could feel the unease in Sebastian's shoulders despite his relaxed composure. I wasn't alone in the creep of despair brought on by the strife outside the castle, though his hit closer to home. I wanted to siphon the worry out of him, with every brush of my fingers through his curls. With each simple caress, I wanted to bring him the peace he so desperately needed.

There wasn't anything I wouldn't do to give him exactly what he wanted. The cure for his sister, and Ranrock dead where he stood. But there were so many variables taking their seats in an already overcrowded room filled with doubt. How could I save Anne for him without losing a piece of myself? The Keepers had been so keen on making me understand that the magic Isadora had used was unnatural, restricted.

It would damn my soul to tap into that disturbing, dark magic. Yet I couldn't help but ask myself if I would condemn myself for the sake of the Sallow twins if it meant Anne could be free of her curse. That Sebastian could be free of the one he fought inside of his mind.

"Knut for your thoughts?" He murmured, pulling me out of my spiraling thoughts. I had to be strong for him, I didn't want to waver.

"Do you think there's a spell that could make time stop for as long as we wished?" I whispered, turning my gaze out to the ocean. I didn't want him to know the extent of how much I played with all of the options and fears inside of my head. They were mine to take on, and my problems alone.

I turned my head to look out onto the ocean that carried my fears on its currents. I wondered how far the Vivarium's sea went, if it was merely just an illusion made up by the Room. I theorized that the doors to the habitats were in fact some kind of port key, or a portal altogether. And perhaps we were much further away from the chaos than we knew. Maybe we were far enough away that we could leave it all behind.

"Perhaps we could consult the Book for something like that, but…" Sebastian suddenly sat himself up off of my lap, and instead came to sit behind me with his legs on either side. His arms wrapped around my front, and he leaned his chin on my shoulder. "Hattie, we cannot hide here forever."

I couldn't carry this fake strength forever, and it was nearly impossible as he squeezed me. His body was warm against mine, and made my weary heart flutter as I brought my hands up to clutch his.

Sebastian deserved more honesty than I was giving him, and it made me feel so guilty not to share even an ounce of how I was feeling.

"I'm afraid." I whispered, clutching his arms tighter. It was something I'd longed to say aloud, a truth I'd hidden so deeply behind every fight I'd had since the start of the year. I was afraid of what I stood to lose against Ranrock, of what he could not only take from me but from others with the power he held.

I still couldn't tell him that the thing I was most terrified of was Sebastian himself.

Scared shitless of the dark magic he was dangerously romancing in his quest to find a cure for his sister, and for the fact that I couldn't do anything on my end. Again the ideas waltzed, stepped slowly and turned around the thought of sacrificing my morality and self if it meant that Sebastian could walk away clean with Anne in hand.

Lately I had watched the turmoil it had caused him already, the effects of that dark magic, the Book, the Relic… what it had done to his mind, his body and being. He'd been more distant lately… not himself. He'd often mutter to himself, so obsessed and absorbed with Anne and her curse. Sebastian was almost always angry, and on edge. He'd been so easy to provoke.

I could even sense the shadows of darkness that seeped from every pore of him, accompanied by that distant look in his once bright eyes. I feared I would lose him to it.

In truth, I hadn't admitted it to him yet what I truly felt for him. How hard I had fallen in love with this adventurous spirit, who loved his friends hard and his loved ones even harder. I had fallen for those bright eyes that lit up like stars when he laughed, and for the half smile plastered to his face each time he looked at me.

I loved Sebastian so much that it would break me if I lost him. He was too integral to my life now.

"Hyacinth Hills," He earned himself a pinch on the arm, knowing I despised my given name, which in return elicited a chuckle that warmed my heart.

It made me wonder if the refreshing air of the seaside Vivarium was enough to clear his mind and unsour the dimness of his mood. It certainly had the beasts in a chipper disposition, I noticed.

I watched as Highwing and her companion, Darkwing, galloped along the coast like the pair was competing with each other. I enjoyed watching as the pair of Fwooper twins seemed to do a little dance on the rocks with each other. It was impossible to not feel kind of a serene bliss here. I truly wanted to stay here forever, forever in this moment.

With Sebsatian.

"I've never seen you afraid." Sebastian nuzzled his chin down into my shoulder, his voice becoming playful as he spoke into my ear gently.

"Not when you took down the troll in Hogsmeade, or when the horde of Goblins outside Feldcroft threw everything they had at us. And don't think I'm not aware of that acromantula you so brazenly defeated all for the sake of a family momento, you brave little warrior." Sebastian squeezed me tightly.

"You have more courage than anyone I have ever known, and it's okay to be afraid, love, but you have to find that strength to stand in spite of your fear."

I leaned my head against his, letting myself relax in his hold. I would let myself do that for him, even if it was just for this rare moment. I wanted his words to sink into my skin, I wanted that fear to roll and wash off of me. I wanted to be this courageous hero he saw me as. I would wear his words like armor, protecting me from every doubt my mind sent at me.

"Do you know how absolutely brilliant you are, Hattie?" He pressed a kiss just under my ear, which caused my chest to swell with a feeling akin to butterflies. I loved this boy more than words would allow me to explain.

I would be brilliant for him. For myself, too. And for everyone who was counting on me.

"With you by my side Sebastian, I can do anything."

Only a few days later…

"He's dead, Sebastian!" I screamed at him, my hands smacking at his chest.

How did we get here?

Anger spilled hot in my throat, and the disbelief behind it wouldn't be enough to smother the flames of it as it spewed from my mouth. We'd just come back to the Undercroft after Anne had left with Solomon's body, and it felt like she'd left with what was left of Sebastian. What stood in front of me now was a hollow shell of a person that I no longer recognized.

"I cannot believe you - you said you wouldn't let things get this bad… you said…" I couldn't wrap my head around the events that had unfolded in the past hour, "but you've let that dark magic consume you! Answer me, Sebastian - say something, damn you! I believed in you, you let me help you - you've soiled my name in this process, you've turned me into a damn fool-"

I couldn't stop the rambling, the incessant screaming that came from me until Sebastian's hands grabbed hold of my abusive fists. He gripped my wrist tightly, ceasing their movement.

When my eyes met his, I could barely recognize the boy in front of me. His eyes were glazed over with ice, as if he were somewhere so distant from where he stood now. It was so fucking difficult to read him now, as he refused to release my thrashing hands. The frown on his face would've been a tell of his regret, but there was so much more to see in those dark eyes of his. It was then that I saw the flames behind the ice, as I scanned those eyes, the flames of something awakening and kindling into something new.

Something dark, yet alive, I realized.

An inferno that had been awoken when he'd flung that killing curse at his uncle.

"You don't care, and you aren't sorry." I blurted out, trying to pull away from him. "You aren't sorry you murdered him. You don't care that you've driven away Anne! You enjoyed casting that fucking curse!"

"Hattie, enough!" He finally snapped, making me still.

He pulled me closer by the fists until I was nearly hauled up against him. It was then I noticed that my entire body had been shaking, racked with the sheer anger and heartbreak he had caused. I bit back a snarl as I stared him square in the face. He still wore that mask of indifference, as if he just was not capable of reacting to anything.

As another sob rocked through my chest I realized that my words could only be falling on deaf ears. Him killing Solomon was the final piece of a puzzle I'd been trying to piece together with him, and it was the piece that painted the whole picture.

My fears from earlier this week had come true, no matter how hard I had tried to keep it from coming to fruition. Sebastian could never be saved from this path of darkness he had chosen.

"I am sorry you had to see that. I am sorry that I dragged you into this, however grateful I am. I care for you." He brought one of my wrists to his mouth, pressing a gentle kiss against the inside of it. His eyes bore into mine, and my knees were threatening to give out. It was too much for my confused mind to understand how the hell he could act like he cared.

If he had fucking cared, Solomon wouldn't be dead. He wouldn't have broken my fucking heart.

"Hattie, I feel no remorse in what I did - that bastard had done enough, and if he had just left well enough alone…" He gripped my wrists harder, to the point it was becoming painful. "I am sorry for Anne, sorry that she wishes to hide from what could be. I'm sorry that you all refuse to see the efforts I made for her - that you all believe me to be this dark, hateful thing."

I couldn't believe that he was trying to pull some self-pity nonsense on me now, just hours after the death of his uncle. The one that died by his fucking hand.

"So I will not let anyone stand in my way again."

I couldn't believe what utter shit he spewed from his mouth as he spoke, I couldn't believe the indifference he now harbored against his own sister who this whole crusade had been for in the first place.

How did we get here? This was supposed to be about saving Anne at any cost; yet I never could have imagined that on the way, there would be much more lost than was even bargained for. So much was lost before the cure was even found.

I looked away from Sebastian as I tried to quell the insistent crying, and to Ominis who now stood in the doorway of the Undercroft.

"We're in your way now, Sebastian." Ominis said, taking a stance with his wand to block off any means of escape for his friend. He and I had both put our magic together in warding the Undercroft from being able to disapparate. This would be our only shot at either talking sense into Sebastian, or he would have to face the consequences of his actions. No matter how much that hurt.

Sebastian said nothing as I turned to look at him again. His eyes searched mine, and I didn't know what he hoped to find as he scanned them. There was no sympathy left in my broken heart for him now.

I understood his dislike of his uncle, I had been there for the turmoil he felt over Anne's illness and the desire he had to help her. I wanted to help her just as much as he did.

I had fucking contemplated selling my soul and betraying the Keepers for her. For Sebastian and his twin, I would've thrown it all away for the sake of their happiness. I would've thrown myself away for them.

But now… he had pushed her away, and broken up their entire family with a simple combination of words. With a killing curse. And now he had pushed both me and Ominis away with her. There would be no coming back from this. There would be no "just like old times", my frantic brain told me. My little trio, over and done with. Smashed under the weight of a sad and lost little boy who had chosen wrong.

"Are you in my way, Hattie?" His words came low, and it broke me. I loved this boy, I loved the boy who I'd just been joking and laughing with. Exploring and creating with. The one who had owned my heart, body, and soul as if it were a piece of him.

But this wasn't him anymore, this was not my Sebastian. It wasn't the boy who only a few days ago had been soothing my mind and soul on a perfect beach. It wasn't the same boy who had been the flame of my first love.

It would never be again, and I would have to claw that piece of myself out of his hand along with the one that had cemented itself in my heart.

"Ominis, go fetch the Headmaster and any other professors close by." I said without turning back to look at him. As I heard him leave, I watched Sebastian's face contorted into something close to sadness and betrayal.

"Hattie-"

"No, Sebastian. You don't get to walk away from this. There are always consequences for toying with the dark arts… and you did more than just dally! You cannot come back from this." I cried at him, trying to slip my hands out of his grip. "You chose to let it take you from us, from me!"

Sobs had erupted from me, and again I was reminded of the feeling that had lingered with me this past week. I had known that this would not end well, I knew that I couldn't get everything I wanted. That I couldn't be the hero that gets everything. I wouldn't get to do absolutely everything… with him. I would have to face Ranrock and everything else to come on my own.

My thoughts were also now this Anne. His twin who had never deserved to know such heartlessness from her own blood.

"I loved you!" I screamed at him, "I would have died for you, I would have bent the world in two if you had asked me. I would have betrayed the Keepers, would've taken the magic they've hidden away and burned the entire world away for you if it had pleased you. But you…You made this choice all on your own, and damned anyone else's… I…"

My heart had severed in two, and it was his fault. He would never truly know how obsessed I was with him nor how much I cherished him. Sebastian had taken away any time I would have with him to show him that I loved him.

He dropped my hands and within seconds his arms were around me. I wanted to fight him off, I was so disgusted by his touch I could hardly stand it. But I clung to him, my fingers clutching his robes tightly, as I cried into his chest.

How could I both love and loathe someone so fucking much?

Sebastian still wouldn't speak as I continued to curse into his chest, as I continued to cry out the truths in my heart. He only held me, pressing soft kisses to the top of my head as he just let me abuse him. I didn't understand why he wouldn't defend himself, why he hadn't peeled me off of him and tried to escape before Black arrived for him.

It dawned on me that perhaps there was a larger part of Sebastian that did in fact feel regret and remorse for what he'd done. Maybe he was again hiding everything he felt under that cold mask that he'd worn since his first brush with the Dark Arts.

How could I expect him to be completely in control of his emotions, or even his own mind while he had been under the influence of the Book and the Relic for so long? The idea that our Sebastian was still in there was insane at this point.

I loved him so much that I couldn't help but entertain the idea - that Sebastian was just a broken fucking boy who had let his bad choices consume him to the point of no return.

It gnawed on me now that it was both Ominis and I who had chosen wrong this time.

"You should run," I said once the tears had ceased. I pulled out my wand to break the charms on the Undercroft. "Get out of here while you still can."

"And go where, Hattie? And to what?" He pulled back, holding me by the shoulders. "They will hunt me down now that you both have given me away."

I tried not to wince at his words as I tried to pull myself away from him. I would get him out of here, and we could figure out the rest later.

"Anywhere, you can go anywhere, Sebastian. We can go anywhere-"

"My sweet girl," He leaned down to press his forehead to mine and I stopped moving altogether, "I will not take your future from you just yet."

Just yet?

Sebastian's breath was hot against my face as he lent down further, brushing his lips to mine before they crashed down hard against them. It was a rough thing, this kiss, with passion laced in each movement of his lips and grip of his hands as they ran through my hair. My heart was threatening to beat out of my chest as his lips claimed mine, and I couldn't stop the tears that ran down my burning cheeks.

This was his apology, his confession of love. But most importantly it was his goodbye.

The sounds of multiple footsteps came hurtling down the entryway of the Undercroft, and Sebastian flung me out of his grip and against the wall.

If they had seen him with me, they might've pegged me as his accomplice - and I realized that he wouldn't have me go down with him, despite my direct involvement with the fight that had led to his uncle's death. Sebastian would have me be blameless, despite the fact that I had basically held his hand every step of his way down the dark descent.

And now I had been the one to give the order to have him sent to prison.

"Hold your wand out at me now, Hattie." He hissed at me, as he took a stance with his hands above his head. The pieces of my heart might as well have been shattered and on the floor as I took in the weight of what was going to happen now. The utter sadness that filled me as I lifted my wand up at him made my body shake, and I could not stop the sobs that racked through my chest.

He used an Unforgivable, slayed his uncle, betrayed his sister, his best friend, and now me.

And yet the boy that stood in front of me, who seemed to be resigned to his fate, still had the last fragments of my heart hammering in my chest.

Sebastian had become a monstrous thing, something that would haunt my nightmares and keep me awake at night to no end. Whether it was out of fear for who he had become, or what he meant to me, I would never be sure.

"I hate you, Sebastian Sallow." I decided, knowing that the intense emotions had lead me to this realization, and I would never be the same.

"You might as well have killed me too." I whispered, trying to steady my arm.

"I'll remember that, sweetheart," He chuckled softly, "never forget how brilliant you are."

— Two Years Later

Seventh year — how had the time flown by so quickly?

Of course it might seem more significant had I been enrolled in Hogwarts for the entire seven. But my third year here would be my last. I would drink every moment of it, I told myself.

I would live in the moments of the last of the firsts, from the headmaster giving his annual speech to the school to that first bite into a delicious chocolate morsel during the welcoming feast. I would hold onto that happiness that came with seeing familiar faces walking by, giving little waves. The curiosity of whether they would be in our classes, or if we were doomed to only see each other in passing so that we would have to make time to hang out outside of classes.

There were so many moments here to cling on to, and it was only the beginning of them.

But there were many more that I wish I could refrain from lingering on.

Like the seat I had first seen the boys in, as they had waved me over to the Slytherin table as the rest of the House had cheered when the Sorting Hat had determined where I fit best. I remember feeling so hesitant at the choice the hat had made, knowing that Slytherins were notorious for being overambitious, self important asshats.

And as I stumbled to the table, I had caught Sebastian Sallow's eyes as he had given me a long once over, before returning to his conversation with Ominis and Imelda. I remember the excitement, but I would always hold onto that first feeling of our eyes meeting.

I had never known that that would be the spark that would ignite something far more meaningful than a simple friendship. That it would create a bonfire that would never be put out inside of my heart.

I stared down at that spot at the table, now filled with first years chattering about, cramming their faces with supper. I knew I couldn't expect to see him there, and I should find comfort in the sight of new students creating lifelong friends just as we had done.

I wondered if the three of us had looked like that.

I imagined it was close to what others had seen as they passed the Slytherin table. A wild haired blonde who was still new to everything, and her two mischievous companions who had laughed together until they were red in the face over numerous jokes Sebastian had made at Ominis' dispense. To which the latter also couldn't hold his laughter back over, despite his friend's offensive jests.

That laughter carried on in my heart, and I couldn't pull away to those lingering thoughts of Sebastian and my first year at Hogwarts.

Time should have been enough to erase the damage done those years ago, it should have been enough to help me put it all in the past so I could move on. However the shadows of him that were laced with the love I felt for him, always lingered there in the corner of my eye. And each time I turned to face it, it was never there.

It wasn't just Sebastian that kept my thoughts running amok when I walked these halls. The darkness that haunted me took on so many different faces and forms.

They sometimes came in the shape of my former mentor and even in the shape of a goblin I had once called a friend. Oftentimes they took on the sound of the screams of those who had died by my hand, though I had put the blame on their leaders. It was the same sound that rang as loud as the Unforgivables that had been flung at me without second thought.

Competing with all of that, was what had ensued with the would be goblin-king, who had nearly taken it all. I could still smell the dark magic that oozed from the pores of that monstrous creature.

I had done my best over the past two years to mend myself, but the trauma of my first year still weighed heavy on my heart and my shoulders. I believed it always would be, and as much as I wanted it to shape me for the better, it often came in the form of a boulder tied to my middle.

"Hattie, you've barely eaten." Ominis at my side nudged my shoulder with his. He had become a great friend after the incident with Sebastian. He was now someone that I could rely on without hesitation, and someone who would comfort me with no questions asked.

"Would you believe that I might've overstuffed myself from treats from the trolley on the way here?" I smiled through the lie, nudging him back. I had unfortunately put myself off from eating, the feelings in my stomach outweighing any hunger.

It hadn't surprised me though that Ominis could read that I was getting too deep into my thoughts again. He had become quite good at perceiving my emotions, and how he did, I would never be sure. I turned to look at my friend expecting some form of a teasing expression. I was met with a frown, however. My lie had been too damn obvious.

My friend let out a soft sigh, and turned his head back to the plate in front of him.

"I think about him at the start of every year too, Hattie. He had been my first real friend when we both arrived here at Hogwarts for our first year. And I had shared many more 'first days' with him. But we have to get on with our lives at some point. We can't keep looking for ghosts that aren't there anymore." He spoke softly, just loud enough for the two of us to hear.

Nobody else in the school save the staff knew about what had transpired that night outside of Feldcroft. Everyone had assumed that Sebastian had moved away with his twin so that she could be treated. That they lived peacefully in some village far away from here, and that hopefully Anne was resting peacefully. That the Sallow twins were living the life they deserved.

The truth of it was that Sebastian had been sent to Azkaban the following morning of his uncle's death, and that Anne had found her way to a monastery to find peace with her condition. I had only received a single owl from her after Sebastian had been sent away, and she had made it perfectly clear that while she still cared for us all that she would have nothing to do with us.

"You're right. It's gotten a little easier. There are days I get lost in my first year here, Ominis." I couldn't lie to him, it wasn't right. Ominis' features were always a bit sadden, and as the years had gone by those defined cheekbones illustrated his weariness even more.

"Sometimes I fall down into this pit of despair full of the horrors I'd seen, and no amount of the good things that came from it are enough to pull me out." I barely recognized my own voice as I confided in him, still a stranger to being honest with not only him but myself, as well.

I nudged the food around on my plate with the fork, anything to keep me from looking his way. Letting my bleeding heart spill out of my own mouth made me feel so disgusted with myself sometimes.

Because it was hard even before this. During my first year here, it seemed as if everything anyone else had going on was more important than the feelings or voice that I had inside of me. That my fears, anxiety, excitements and interests were less important than that of defeating Ranrock, fighting trolls, and saving fucking Mooncalfs.

My voice had felt so insignificant and meaningless at the time, compared to the role others had wanted me to play. I had been so happy to do it at the time - to be their little savior that faced every danger and problem in the face without wavering.

What I hadn't gambled on was how much it would cost to give myself to everyone. I hadn't agreed on the broken shell of a person that was left after everything. Nor had I thought the one person who had ever listened or heard me, or just flat out fucking understood me would be locked up in Azkaban.

But that was my fault, wasn't it?

Ominis knew that I wouldn't talk about how hard it had been, after what had gone down in the Undercroft. Yes, he had been there as I watched them haul Sebastian away, and had cried for him. I had cried for what we all had done as Ominis held me. But no, my dearest friend only knew a small fraction of what truly laid behind the smile I used to lie to him.

To some degree, I knew that he understood I would never give him a full look at the damage. So he had made me promise we would talk to each other, that no matter how bad things got inside our heads or our hearts that we could rely on being there for one another.

I had ultimately made the choice to share with him the events of that first year, including what had happened with Ranrock and about the Keepers. And about how Isidora had found a magic capable of removing pain. That I could live with sharing, because I needed someone else to know that what kept me awake in the middle of the night was that I could've done more.

I could've sold my fucking soul and everyone would have gotten out unscathed. It didn't matter if I didn't.

But Ominis surprised me when he immediately told me how full of shit I was. That if I thought for one second I had made the wrong choice, I was just as sick and twisted as Sebastian was. My friend had even swore he was not upset that I'd kept all of that from him, to which I had thought he would be furious with me. Ominis hated secrets, if mine and Sebastian's antics with the Dark Arts hadn't made that clear. Yet he showed more hostility over the idea that I thought it was okay to hoard all of my guilt to myself.

In his eyes, I had not done a damn thing wrong. And I would never understand how he wasn't angry with me for not saving the Sallows a lifetime of anguish.

Instead there was a level of understanding that comforted me, and to him it was more important what we did with our futures in the end. That all of that shouldn't be for nothing.

"But little by little, I'm clawing my way out. Some days are just harder." I said, admitting it not only to him, but to some small piece of myself that still doubted that I had made any progress.

Ominis' hand grabbed mine gently which took me off guard. It was warm and pleasant, and made my tired heart beat a little faster. There had always been this little flame that had been rising lately, something different that had shifted between us. It was something I refused to look in the eye.

"Thank you for being open with me, Hattie." He spoke softly, "But please remember you're never alone in that fight. We're all trying to piece ourselves back together, little by little. But despite everything we will go on. We must go on."

"We must." I agreed, giving his hand a tight squeeze in return as I squashed down the mixture of feelings that threatened to overwhelm me.

I couldn't let them get in the way, he was right about that. That this year we would push ourselves to get a step further in life, and leave the shadows behind us where they belonged. I would let the heartbreak, tears, and despair die in the blinding light of progress.

We would look to the future instead of looking back to the past, and maybe I could find that sliver of the witch I had been years ago.

This year would be brilliant - it had to be.