Infinite blackness, pockmarked by tiny silver lights.
A flash of red suddenly rocketed through the blackness, bringing colour to the void.
The red was circular- a craft, of some sort- yes, a saucer. Quite small, it was barely big enough to encircle the bubble dome that served as a cockpit. And in that dome sat a human male.
He was blonde, with spiky hair. His age was indeterminable, at first glance appearing a child, but at second seeming perhaps a young man. Then his jawline tightened and he could be someone's grandfather, but then he looked at a star with such wonder he was again, and could only have been, the child. He wore a blue jumpsuit with a yellow lightning bolt on it, and clutched the saucer's steering wheel with yellow gloves. Most of his face was covered entirely by a large pair of black goggles, the blank white lenses of which expanded and narrowed like pupils.
"We join our hero, the intrepid SPACEMAN SPIFF, on his journey through the stars!" he narrated. "Spiff has been deployed by the Earth Union to venture to new worlds, chart foreign cosmos, and spread the influence of Earth beyond our celestial sphere!"
Comets roared by the saucer as Spiff flew towards a multicoloured, striped planet. A ringed crescent moon rose above it as it orbited in a figure eight around twin suns.
"To chart the unknown! Apply logic and reason to the vast possibility of the universe! No fear of what might lie ahead, venturing forwards with faith in triumph! And all in the name of knowledge!"
"No, I won't do that problem at the board! I'll get it wrong, and I don't care about math anyway!" Calvin shouted.
His teacher, Ms. Wormwood, sighed. She was a rather old, slightly overweight woman who wore a polka-dot dress and glasses. She had frizzy gray hair and bore a temperamental mood. Dealing with Calvin tended to bring that out in people.
Calvin was six now, and hadn't changed much. He had swapped his overalls for a red-and-black striped shirt, black pants, and a blue jacket. He was quite skinny, but had a very large head. His blonde hair, though previously merely messy, now stood up straight in bizarre spikes that looked like they ate combs for breakfast. His personality, however, was just as pleasant as ever.
"Calvin, everybody has to do a problem," said Ms. Wormwood in a creaky, crotchety voice that she had to drag out of the back of her throat. "Just try your best."
"No! I refuse! I know my rights! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME DO ANYTHING I DON'T WANT TO DO!"
"Well, what do you want to do?" Ms. Wormwood prompted.
"Quit this class!" Calvin responded immediately.
Ms. Wormwood sighed. "No, Calvin. What do you want to do with your life? Whatever your answer is, you'll have to know some math for it."
"Oh, yeah!?" Calvin shouted. "Well, in that case, I'll just run away and join the tribes of the savanna! Nobody needs to do math there!"
"Well, if you would be happy there, I wish you luck, but you are not there. You are here. And you need to do math here."
"In that case, I won't be here!" Calvin declared, jumping onto his desk. "The intrepid SPACEMAN SPIFF is confronted with the Dread Ships of the Imperial Triumvirate!"
"Oh, not again," Ms. Wormwood sighed as she walked over to Calvin.
"Deploy evasive maneuvers!" Calvin shouted before leaping into the air. Ms. Wormwood made a grab for him, but he twirled his coat as he leapt, and her fingers grasped only empty fabric. Calvin quickly slid out of the coat and bolted for the door.
"Engaging the Hyper-Jets, Spiff makes his escape INTO THE FIFTH DIMENSION!" Calvin shouted as he darted into the hallway, Ms. Wormwood close on his heels. "WHERE TIME HAS NO MEANING! IT'S DISMISSAL ALREADY, EVERYONE! GET GOING!"
Several students rushed out of each door and eagerly made their way for the exits. Teachers came out and tried to get them back, but in the chaos, no one could keep track of one kid as he darted into the bathroom.
"I'm contagious," Calvin grinned before climbing out the window. His school only had one story, so he dropped to the ground with ease. Flattening himself against the side of the building as if trying to avoid a searchlight, he crept around the school towards the street. Yes! He just had to make a break for it and then he was home free-
"Calvin, where are you?!" Ms. Wormwood thundered as she emerged from the building. Calvin, without looking where he was going, quickly stepped through a supply door and crept into an empty closet. "Whew," he breathed. "Okay, this isn't a disaster. I just have to wait for her to leave and then I'll go back through the door and sneak home!"
"Oh, you will, huh?" came a deep, rough, gravelly voice.
Calvin gulped and slowly turned around to behold a behemoth of a six-year-old. Moe, the school bully, always wore greasy black shirts. He had arms as thick as Calvin's head, which he could crush between two fingers. He stood taller than every other kid in the school. His coarse black hair draped down over his eyes, making his face a complete mystery.
"Tryin' to skimp on my lunch money, eh?" he snarled.
"No- no!" Calvin squealed. "I wouldn't do anything like that, Moe! I just hate school! I didn't mean any offense to you personally! Please don't kill me!"
By this point, he had fallen to his knees and was pulling at Moe's shirt. Moe shoved him away. Calvin landed in a box of mops, which collapsed on top of him. Calvin struggled to his feet, covered in dust.
"Ya know I'm a nice guy, Calvin," said Moe.
"Received, Union, subject is nice guy. Over," moaned the disoriented Calvin.
"I… wa?" Moe scratched his head.
"Nothing," Calvin whimpered.
Moe shrugged this off and continued. "Now, since I'm so nice, I'll letcha run if ya want. You just gotta pay me up front. Plus… a bitta interest tomorrow."
A smile broke over Calvin's lips. "Oh, thank you Moe! You are such a nice person! How much interest?"
Moe growled. "You thinkin' I'd try ta charge ya over, Twinky! I wouldn't do that! Ya know I wouldn't! Don't ya?!" He punctuated this by punching the wall, leaving a crack.
"Y-Yes, of course I know that, you being a nice person and all, I-I was just… trying to figure out how this would affect my stock market shares!"
"Yer wa?" Moe scratched his head again.
"Nothing," said Calvin.
"Ya get to figure out how much is enough. Just consider how nice I've been to ya, and bring that much ta school, an' I'll take it," said Moe. "But first… where's today's payment?"
Calvin reached down to his coat pocket… and his eyes widened. He wasn't wearing his coat. He'd ditched it to escape Ms. Wormwood. "I… uh… don't have it… right now?" he said weakly.
"Whatchoo mean 'I ain't got it right now'?" Moe snarled.
"No, don't, not ain't," said Calvin. He instantly clapped his hands to his mouth in horror.
"What was that?!" Moe roared. "You talkin' back to me, Twinky?! After how nice I been to ya?!"
Calvin desperately stammered out apologies and excuses, and began backing up towards the door. Moe stalked towards him, readying his fists for another beating.
You know what, on second thought, doing a problem on the board didn't sound so bad, Calvin thought. He threw open the closet door and ran for it. "CALVIN!" he heard Ms. Wormwood yell, but he wasn't worried by her.
He was too busy being worried about Moe, who bounded after him with long-legged strides.
Both were closing in on him… he had nowhere to run…
Wait. Ms. Wormwood was old, and Moe was heavy. Neither could make that jump. But he could.
Calvin sprang off a car door and vaulted over a tall fence. He heard the cries of "You get back here, young man!" and "YOU'RE DEAD, TWINKY!" but was too busy running to care.
Calvin rushed up to a yellow house and opened the door. "I'M HOME!" he shouted.
Immediately an orange and black torpedo slammed into him and tackled him across the yard. Calvin kicked his adversary off him, then jumped onto his head and began beating on it. His foe rolled, shaking Calvin loose, then swatted him away with the lazy sweep of a paw.
"You're home early!" said Hobbes. The tiger had grown to be four times Calvin's height over the years. With his size, it was much easier to take note of his nonhuman nature. His knees bent in an odd manner, so as to accommodate for pouncing. His face was sloped and curved into a feline countenance, with his nose and teeth set several inches in front of his eyes. His ears perked high over his head, and he held his tail in the air, and it absently twitched and lashed as he spoke. "What happened? Did your school catch fire? Did you get expelled?"
"Worse," said Calvin. "I got called to do a problem in front of the board!"
Hobbes raised an eyebrow. "You think that's worse than those two things?"
"Of course!" said Calvin. "If I get expelled or die, then I don't have to go to school anymore!"
"You have strange priorities," said Hobbes.
"CALVIN, IS THAT YOU?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHY AREN'T YOU AT SCHOOL!"
"We'll have to have this conversation another time," said Calvin. "What do you say to a wagon ride, old chum?"
"Simply spiffing!"
"Tally-ho!"
With that, the two darted towards a red wagon. Calvin jumped in, and Hobbes seized the back and began pushing. They rushed into the forest, the wagon's wheels squeaking and chassis clattering all the way.
Eventually, Hobbes jumped into the back of the wagon, and Calvin took hold of the steering column, turning them away from the house. "Today was eventful, Hobbes," Calvin began.
"No, you don't say?" Hobbes snorted drily.
"And despite all that, there's one thing that's sticking to me," Calvin went on. "When I said I wanted to live in the savannah, Ms. Wormwood asked me if that would make me happy. And that made me realize I don't know what I want to do. I don't know what would make me happy. It's certainly not this. I mean, sure, watching TV or hitting Susie with water balloons is always fun, but that doesn't last. It's over once the episode is finished, or we've run out of balloons to throw. I wonder… what's it really like to always be happy?"
"Well," Hobbes began. "Take a look at those birds. Winter's almost over, but there's still some snow on the ground. And yet they still came back. They're building nests, even if it would be smarter to wait for summer. Because they like this place."
"Well, birds are stupid," Calvin snorted. "They're destined to always do the exact same thing! Name a bird who's done something notable! You can't! Because they'll always be nothing more than flying things! How can you take someone like that seriously?!"
Hobbes sighed. "And here I thought you were starting to ditch that pitiful human perspective on the world." He suddenly looked ahead. "Uh, Calvin," the tiger began nervously. "Where exactly are we going?"
"Nowhere in particular," said Calvin.
"Well, judging by that tree, which I have seen many times before, we are heading towards a cliff. Perhaps we may want to take steps to change that?"
"If we're heading towards that cliff, and I didn't plan for us to go there, then there has to be some meaning to it. So let's see what we find!" Calvin grinned.
"I think I can guess," Hobbes sighed.
The wagon roared towards a rocky ravine and launched off, soaring through the air. Calvin readied himself to spring. "C'mon, Hobbes! We'll jump from peak to peak!" he laughed.
"I have never felt more empathy towards Wile E. Coyote than this moment," said Hobbes in a strangled voice as the air rushed by his face.
With that, the two leapt out of the wagon for the peak. Calvin gleefully reached for a tree branch extending over the gap…
And missed.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUGH!" they screamed as they plummeted towards the rocky ground.
CRUNCH!
SMASH!
They slammed into the ground and were killed instantly. The end.
Hah-hah, just kidding! This is only the second chapter! In fact, they landed in a bramble bush, which cushioned their fall.
Uh… sort of. It kinda depends on how you define "cushion".
"Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow. Ow ow ow ow, ow ow," Calvin considered. Then he came to a sudden realization. "OW!"
"If you ever try to find meaning through this again, I will make this little plummet look like a roll through the daisies," Hobbes said in a pleasant tone.
"Okay, so find new ways to find meaning. On it," said Calvin as he began pulling thorns out of his skin.
"Not what I meant," Hobbes grumbled as they began gathering up the wagon.
Susie Derkins climbed off the bus and walked up to her house. She was a small girl with straight brown hair, and wore green overalls over a yellow shirt. "Too bad there's no lacrosse today," she mused absently.
Suddenly, she beheld Calvin, bedecked in thorns, walking up to the house. He dragged an equally thorn-covered stuffed tiger by its tail, and appeared to have some red scrap metal in his arms, which he struggled to hang on to while at the same time pulling out thorns.
"What're you staring at?!" he yelled angrily.
"Your parents let you outside?" Susie mused. "Odd. I thought they usually chained you in the basement behind bank vault doors."
"They prefer to let me run wild and hunt my own dinners," he explained. "Tonight, I'm feeling partial to some girl who asks dumb questions."
"Well, before you do, you might want to do a bit of work on your problem," she smirked.
Calvin froze. "My… what?"
"Aw, you didn't think screaming you were a spaceman and running away from school would mean you don't have to do that problem for homework, did you?"
"But… but… I don't even remember the problem!" Calvin exclaimed, his face paling.
"Too bad," Susie smirked and walked up to her house. "See you tomorrow, Calvin."
Calvin stood frozen for a moment before an arm suddenly locked around him. "GOTCHA!" his mom roared.
"AH! NO! I HAVE TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL!"
"YOU BET YOU DO! BUT IT'S OVER NOW, SO YOU'RE JUST GOING TO YOUR ROOM!"
"LEGGO! I KNOW MY RIGHTS!"
"WHAT DID YOU DO, JUMP IN A CACTUS?! YOU'RE TAKING A BATH, TOO!"
"THIS IS CRUEL AND UNUSUAL! SOMEONE! HELP MEEEE!"
After a lengthy scrub-down, Calvin was sitting in his room.
He had spent the entire time trying to convince his mother to take him back to school, but she couldn't hear him through all the soap he kept gargling, and by the end, she had stormed out with hands covered in brambles, so Calvin guessed she couldn't drive anywhere.
The moon had risen and was bathing the black sky in silver light.
Calvin, though supposed to be asleep, was currently trying to write down every single possible math equation and its solution on a sheet to turn in tomorrow.
"Give it a rest, Calvin," Hobbes sighed. "There's no possible way you can get down every single math problem ever on that one dinky little piece of paper."
"Hah! I'll have you know I'm halfway done!"
"You can't be halfway done! There are infinite numbers, and thus infinite equations that they can be used in!"
Calvin moaned and slumped back in his seat. "This is hopeless! How am I supposed to solve a problem that I can't even remember?!"
wumwumwumwumwumwumwumwumwumwumwum
A humming sound suddenly permeated the air nearby. Calvin opened the window. "What is that?" he asked himself, then gasped in shock.
Before their eyes, a massive silver sphere with glowing headlights that illuminated a cockpit descended into the forest.
"Aliens!" Calvin hissed. "C'mon, Hobbes, let's go meet the aliens! Maybe they can help me with my problem!"
"This can only end poorly," Hobbes sighed.
Calvin rushed downstairs in his pajamas and threw on a spare gray coat. He and Hobbes darted out the back door into the forest. The UFO hadn't landed far from their house, so they were able to get to it quickly.
It stood on orange tripod-legs that extended from the bottom. As the two watched, transfixed, the side opened up and an escalator unfolded outwards.
Sssssssssssss-click!
With that, two aliens descended the escalator and stood before Calvin.
They were very short, even shorter than Calvin, although their hats made them look taller. They had no shoulders, arms or legs, just short tentacles at the bottom of their bodies. They had grey skin and one huge, opaque, black eye in the middle of their foreheads. They wore yellow space suits and conical, vaguely druidic-looking hats of the same colour. They had short collars that hummed with electrical energy.
Calvin and Hobbes stood stock-still for a moment before the aliens approached them. "Take us to the Supreme Earthling Potentate," said one in a computerized monotone. It had stars on its hat and space suit, and his partner had crescent moons there.
"I… well…" Calvin stammered. Then he straightened, and said "Speaking."
"You… we… what?!" Hobbes exclaimed.
"Well! Isn't that lucky!" said the alien in the star hat.
"Well, let us skip to business," said the alien in the moon hat.
"Right," said their partner. "We are Maers'tak. Our names are Galaxoid and Nebular. We have come to lay claim to this world."
"Lay claim to it? You mean conquer it?" Calvin asked.
"Well, of course," said Galaxoid. "The Maers'tak are the preeminent spacefaring society of this universe. Once you, like so many other species, have joined with us, we will send some technological advancements your way in exchange for some of your natural resources."
"But we wouldn't be going to other planets personally?" Calvin asked.
"Not at entry level. You have to figure that out for yourself," said Nebular.
"Say, what if I don't want to join this little space club?" Calvin said.
"Then we take your resources anyway, but by force. And then vaporize your planet via positron torpedo."
Calvin gave a forced smile. "Lovely. In that case, I think I'll join!"
"Good answer," remarked Nebular.
"I will expect some form of up-front compensation, though," Calvin spoke up.
"That's within your rights," said Galaxoid.
"I require a memory be brought out of the back of my mind."
"That we can do," said Nebular. "When was this?"
"A few hours ago."
"Then hold still," said Galaxoid as Nebular slithered into the ship and emerged carrying a conical helmet.
"Might be a tight fit," the Maers'tak muttered as they flipped a couple of switches. The helmet hummed with energy before he placed it on Calvin's head. There was a loud crackling as the helmet glowed with power, before the noise and glow died down and the helmet was removed from Calvin's head.
His eyes widened. "Of course! 13 + 7! Why didn't I remember it before?!"
"Glad we could help," said Nebular. "We'll be orbiting your atmosphere for a while, doing geological surveys. Even in space, bureaucracy takes time."
"Oh, no, I understand completely," said Calvin. "Thanks for your time!"
With that, he began walking back towards his house, followed by a dumbstruck Hobbes. The aliens slithered back to their UFO and lifted off.
"You sold the Earth to aliens to know what your problem was?!" Hobbes finally exclaimed.
"Now I can do it before I get to school!" Calvin declared.
"But then aliens take over the Earth!"
"No, they'll just take some 'natural resources' or whatever. I mean, who really needs 'em? People will hardly notice!"
"I suppose," Hobbes remarked as they stepped inside. "Personally, I've always thought this planet would be better off if you guys never found oil."
"That's the spirit!" Calvin said as they walked upstairs to bed.
The next day, Calvin was sitting at his desk. Ms. Wormwood came up to him. "Calvin," she said. "Did you do your problem?"
"Sure did, teach!" Calvin grinned. "I got a bit of help from Hobbes, but that doesn't matter, right?"
Ms. Wormwood sighed. "No, getting help from your stuffed tiger does not matter. Now, what is 13 + 7?"
"48!" said Calvin, with a huge smile.
Ms. Wormwood gave a deep sigh. "That is not correct. That will be an 'F' on this assignment."
"WHAT?!" Calvin exclaimed. "THAT CAN'T BE TRUE! I SOLD EARTH TO ALIENS FOR THIS, I BETTER BE GETTING AN A+!"
"Quiet down, young man!"
"SPACEMAN SPIFF LEAPS THROUGH THE AIR!"
Galaxoid and Nebular's UFO hurtled through the upper atmosphere. The two Maers'tak sat before the window, surveying the ground as it passed below them.
"Beautiful planet," Nebular commented in the Maers'tak tongue.
"Yes, and entirely unknowing of what lies beyond their atmosphere," said Galaxoid.
Nebular spared a one-eyed glance at the planet's moon. "Well, in some cases, they're better off," they said. "I would far rather go through existence without thinking of the-"
"As would myself, and that is why we won't discuss it," Galaxoid hissed.
Nebular gave a nod and returned to the screen, reviewing scans of the planet's fault lines. The two remained blissfully unaware of the red eye of a satellite shining down on them.
Down below on the planet's surface, in a building every government would tell you didn't exist, a man watched the ship on a screen.
He sipped a glass of tonic. "So, they're back."