"Susie, wait!" Calvin yelled as he ran after her.
"No, Calvin! I am not giving you my necklace!" shouted Susie as she rapidly disappeared into the throngs of students.
"You have to listen to me! It's dangerous! It'll kill you if you keep wearing it!" said Calvin, desperately squeezing through several kids.
"Right. Sure. And how is a necklace going to kill me?" said Susie, still not looking back.
"It's not actually a necklace! It's the egg of an evil bug queen from outer space that'll spray acid everywhere when it hatches and then eat the entire planet!" said Calvin.
There was a pause. People started giving Calvin weird looks.
Well, weirder than usual.
"If that's the best you can do, then I'd hate to see your oral presentations," said Susie finally. "Oh wait! I have. You yelled that you were a spaceman and ran away." With that, she walked off.
The tension broke. Everyone burst out laughing at Calvin. He glared and made to run after Susie, but someone grabbed his jacket and yanked him back.
Calvin spun around angrily. "Hey, what do you think you're doing, you- you… uh…"
It was Moe.
"You skipped on your payment last week," he snarled. Calvin's mouth opened and closed, but no sound came out. "I been nice with ya, Twinky, but now you made me get mean," Moe continued. "And I don't like ta get mean." He pounded his fist into his massive palm.
Calvin desperately thought of any way to appease Moe, but all that his brain was saying was: Oh my god, I'm gonna get clobbered, I wonder if that's like getting sprayed with acid-
"Well, that's real sweet of you, Moe, but unfortunately I have some real problems!" he burst out.
A hush fell over the hallway. Had Calvin just said that? To Moe?
Moe was the first to find his voice. "What'd ya just say?" he said, confused. Something had obviously gone very wrong here.
Oh, well. Too late to back out now, Calvin thought. "You heard me!" he snapped. "Shock of all shocks, my life does not revolve around your juvenile protection racket." As he spoke, Moef's face turned purple and his jaw clenched tighter. "I have to go do things that actually matter, things affect the whole world. As for you, Moe, go ahead on your plan to wind up in prison before you're twenty-three. But the real people have to go do things in the real world now, so why don't you just let Uncle Calvin walk off and stick to shoving kindergarteners and kicking puppies, huh?"
Dead silence fell. Moe didn't know what to say, but he knew that Calvin was going to be in the nurse's office for the rest of the day. He drew back his fist, but then a noise came. A horrible, horrible noise.
Tommy was laughing. He bit his knuckles desperately, trying to stop, but the whimpers of amusement still escaped. Then Claire and Candace started laughing. Then Ronald. "Stick to kicking kindergarteners…" Tommy choked out. Even Russy White, who'd been spacing out for a week for some reason, started laughing, albeit in a rather stilted manner.
Calvin gave a smug smirk and turned to leave, swishing his coat for emphasis. Moe balled up his fists and lunged, ready to pound Calvin to a pulp, only to collide with a leg coming out of nowhere.
"Watch it!" squeaked the school therapist. He turned around to see Calvin. "There you are. You're late for your appointment. Come on." He grabbed Calvin's arm and dragged him off.
"Sorry, can't talk now, Moe!" Calvin taunted as he was led away.
Moe climbed to his feet, muttering. "Need some help there?" said Marcie condescendingly, amid peals of laughter from the others.
"SHUT UP!" he yelled. The laughter quieted abruptly. "Ya thinkin' it's funny? Ya thinkin' I'm FUNNY?! I'll show ya's funny!" With that, he stomped off.
"So, Calvin, I'd like you to tell me more about Hobbes," said the therapist to the boy on the couch. "What does he look like? You?"
"Nah, he's a tiger," said Calvin.
"But does he have humanlike features? Features that may be similar to you?" probed the therapist.
"What's with the obsession with him looking like me?!" Calvin burst out.
"Answer the question!" the therapist yelled.
"No! No, he does not look like me! His face looks nothing like a human face! It's all stretched out and flat. He looks like a cat! Not me!" Calvin ranted.
"…right. Good," said the therapist, marking something down in his notes. "Normal imaginary friend, then," he muttered, too low for Calvin to hear.
"Say, what's your name, anyway? I don't think I got it," said Calvin after a pause.
"That's not important," said the therapist.
"Okay then, Mr. Not Important it is," said Calvin. The therapist squeezed his pencil until it snapped in half, sighed, and got out a new one.
"So, out of curiosity, where do you and Hobbes like to go when you want to be alone?" said the therapist.
"Why would I tell you that?!" Calvin snapped.
"Because you have to, Calvin. You agreed that you'd say everything by coming into this room." Calvin looked unconvinced, so he said, coaxingly, "I won't tell anyone. Just say it."
"…A trail in the woods," said Calvin finally. "We like to ride our wagon down it."
Smiling, the therapist wrote it down. "Now, let's move on to your… episodes. When you play being… Spaceman Super, was it-"
"Spaceman Spiff," Calvin interjected.
"…Yes, that," said the therapist. "What do you see when you become 'Spiff'? What does Spiff do?"
"Well, that was terrible," said Calvin as he walked into his room.
"So about normal?" said Hobbes, reading a comic book on the bed.
"A lot worse," said Calvin. "I found the Queen Egg."
Hobbes dropped the comic book and bolted upright. "WHAT?!" he exclaimed. "Do you have it?! Where is it?!"
"No, I don't have it. Susie does-"
"WHAT?!"
Calvin sighed. "This is going to take some time to explain. I think we should schedule a meeting."
"Agreed," said Hobbes. The two reached into the closet and pulled out paper hats. Donning them, they rushed downstairs.
"Be back in time for dinner!" Calvin's mom called from the kitchen.
"If it's convenient!" Calvin responded.
They rushed over to a tree in the yard. Hobbes quickly leapt up and took hold of the branches, clambering up to the crown of the tree.
A large crate sat nestled between some branches. A skull-and-crossbones flag was nailed to the front. Words were painted on it:
Get Rid Of Slimy girlS
Hobbes climbed into the fort and quickly dropped a rope full of knots down to Calvin. Using the knots as footholds, Calvin quickly scaled the tree and climbed into the fort.
"You didn't make me recite the password, Hobbes," Calvin admonished.
"We found the Queen Egg and you're worried about the password?!" Hobbes hissed.
"It's at times like these that procedure is important, Hobbes," said Calvin. "Otherwise, what will become of society?"
"It'll get eaten by a swarm of giant acid-spitting bugs," Hobbes deadpanned.
Calvin paused. "True," he said finally. Then, for lack of anything else to say, "This meeting of the top secret club G.R.O.S.S. will now come to order, Dictator-For-Life Calvin presiding!" He and Hobbes both saluted. "Men, I have located the Externix Queen Egg. It is in the possession of our enemy, who is unaware of what it is. She merely believes it to be a necklace. My attempts to convince her to peacefully relinquish it have proven fruitless, so we must endeavour to find other means of retrieval."
"I make a motion to speak," said Hobbes.
"The chair recognizes First Tiger Hobbes," said Calvin.
"Thank you," said Hobbes. "I propose we establish a strike force! We must infiltrate enemy command, and-"
"Wait, hold on!" said Calvin. "We can't just break into Susie's house!"
"The fate of the world is at stake here! It doesn't matter if you're getting in trouble for a bit!" said Hobbes.
"What about Susie?" Calvin countered. "It's her house! You remember when somebody broke into our house?! How scared we were?! I'm not doing that to her!"
Hobbes gave Calvin a very strange look. Eventually, he said, "Alright, fine."
"Good-" started Calvin.
"I won't make you betray your girlfriend's trust," said Hobbes.
"Wha- EXCUSE ME?!" snapped Calvin, spinning to face Hobbes. "I am the Dictator-For-Life of G.R.O.S.S! I have dedicated my very existence to the destruction of the female threat! I do not have 'girlfriends'!"
"So it's your career that prevents you from pursuing her," said Hobbes. Calvin's face began turning blue with rage. "That doesn't matter! You both can overcome it! It'll be the love story of the century, the new Romeo and Juliet, the-"
"GHYAAAA!" yelled Calvin, jumping on Hobbes. They began beating each other and yelling insults- "You have made worms' meat of me", "You rat-catcher", "Hang! Beg! Starve! Die in the streets"- fun stuff like that.
After a minute or so, Hobbes managed to pin Calvin down. "You're getting better, but you still have arms like little noodles," he said while Calvin called out eight-syllable insults.
Eventually, he ran out of breath and Hobbes let him up. "Done?" said the tiger.
"Yeah, yeah," Calvin grumbled. "I could've won if I had space to throw things at you."
"Now then, if we're not going to break into Susie's house- for reasons that we can each decide- how are we going to get the egg?" said Hobbes.
"It's in a necklace that Susie wears to school. I could steal it," Calvin proposed.
"How much does she wear it?" asked Hobbes.
"All day, why?" said Calvin.
"Then she'd notice it was gone pretty fast," said Hobbes. "We're going to need a big distraction to escape. Can you pull off a repeat of the Noodle Incident?"
"I DIDN'T DO THAT ONE! I WAS FRAMED!" Calvin yelled.
"Suuuuure," said Hobbes.
"And besides, we don't need to do anything," said Calvin. "The school dance is in a week. All those people in one place, with loud music? It'll be easy for me to slip away."
"Right then," said Hobbes. "I just hope the egg doesn't hatch before then."
A moment of silence fell, then Hobbes spoke up again. "I have news about the Externix too."
"What?! Really?!" said Calvin in surprise.
"On the news, there was some guy talking about a bug the size of a wolf attacking his crops," said Hobbes. "The anchors thought he was crazy, but I'm pretty sure it's a Drone, and pretty close by. We should head over and deal with it."
"What? Are you crazy? We nearly died fighting one," said Calvin.
"Have you forgotten what we're doing here?" said Hobbes incredulously. "We're trying to save the Earth from the Externix! We can't just ignore Drones!"
"That is exactly what we're gonna do!" said Calvin. "We're going to get the Queen! That's all that's important! Other people can take care of the Drones!"
"What if the Drones eat someone?! I bet they'd be important to them!" said Hobbes.
"I can't risk my life for someone I don't know a second time!" Calvin yelled. "If you want, go ahead, Hobbes. But I'm not going. Okay?"
Hobbes thought for a minute. "Okay," he sighed.
"Right then. Meeting adjourned," said Calvin. With that, they dropped the rope down and climbed down the tree.
An unmarked truck roared down an empty road, untraveled by almost any other vehicle. Trees grew on both sides of the road, their branches eclipsing the sky so not even planes would see it.
The truck drove towards a large forested hill. The road wound around it, coincidentally putting the hill between it and the nearby suburbs.
A large complex sprawled behind the hill. It consisted mainly of large sheds, arranged precisely in rows. Barbed wire fences encircled the area, and two towers mounted with machine guns stood at each end of the complex. The truck pulled up at a barricade, and was quickly let in by the soldiers guarding it. It came to a stop and the back opened.
A boot stepped out of the truck and onto the ground, crushing an ant. Soldiers filed out, one by one. They all wore gray, high-collared longcoats that billowed around them, and visor hats inscribed with a triangular eye. Their bodies were covered by Kevlar vests, and they carried rifles.
In unison, they marched through the complex. All the soldiers they passed saluted them, but they did not return it.
The soldiers filed into a building, entering a briefing room. Dr. DeLawrence stood in the center.
In unison, they raised their caps in salutation. "Grey Squadron," said one wearing a pyramid-shaped medal, "Reporting for duty."
DeLawrence made an almost imperceptible motion, and they took their seats. "The reason I have called your platoon here is because of an Externix infestation," he spoke. "We have isolated the dens. You will be deployed to exterminate them soon, and I do not expect any survivors." He paused to let them process it, and continued: "Then, there is the matter of a boy…"