"So far, we've seen armored bounty hunters, fighting game villains, and superheroines." Yang recounts the battles they've seen so far.
"I can't wait to see who we get to see here!" Ruby says.
"The Mushroom Kingdom is a world that houses many strange and interesting creatures." Wiz begins the episode. "Like the Goomba, a walking mushroom with fangs."
Everybody in the room had raised their eyebrows, their mouths hanging open from confusion.
"...What?" Weiss questions.
"And the Koopa, that stupid turtle who always gets himself killed." Boomstick introduces the opponent.
"Is… this a joke?" Jaune asks out loud.
"Every video game has its share of basic endless common enemies, and you can't get any more common than these two."
"But which is the best of the worst? He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick."
"And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win… a Death Battle."
"I don't think it's a joke." Blake says.
"Aww, this is gonna be so lame." Nora says.
"Hey, let's give it a chance. Maybe it'll be good for laughs." Yang says.
"The Goombas used to be steadfast allies of the Mushroom Kingdom. After years of oppression due to their low intelligence and short stature, they betrayed their own mushroom brethren and became the backbone of Bowser's vast army." Wiz explains.
"The Goomba's main combat strategy is just to walk directly into its opponents. While this isn't the smartest thing to do, it takes some real 'spores' if you know what I'm saying.
"Maybe we should try that sometime, it might throw the enemies off." Yang says, as a joke.
"Yeah. That's a great idea, Yang!" Ruby compliments, not realizing it's a joke.
"Ruby… I wasn't being serious."
"Oh…"
"Plus, they also have these vampire fangs, but they don't ever seem to use them, and… thinking about it, why does a mushroom even have a mouth?" Boomstick asks.
"That was the first thing I wondered." Weiss says.
"When available, the Goomba will use the green Goomba's Shoe to get the jump on its foes, easily able to hop over twelve feet in the air. Goombas can also sprout wings, becoming Paragoombas, capable of barely sustained flight." Wiz explains.
"And when flying, the mushroom thing can bomb victims below with Micro-Goombas. You know you're a badass when you throw babies as weapons!"
"That certainly is not 'bad… butt!" Pyrrha says.
"Pyrrha, did you just censor yourself?" Yang asks.
"I… maybe…" Pyrrha answers, slightly embarrassed.
"The traditional Goomba may seem a useless pawn, but these troopers have been known to accomplish the impossible."
Footage of a Goomba swinging a baseball bat.
"Wait a minute, is that Goomba playing baseball? With no hands? Oh my God, it has telepathy powers!"
"Telekinesis? No, it doesn't."
"Well, then, how's it holding?!"
Everyone was just as confused and amazed by that as Boomstick was.
"Goombas are unwaveringly brave, never backing down from a fight and always ferociously charging into battle without hesitation. Though, sometimes their stubborn courage can backfire."
"Well, that's one thing Yang has in common with the Goomba." Blake says.
"What do you mean? Name one time." Yang tells her teammate.
"We could be here a while."
"I said one time."
"Yeah, you'd think it would stop walking when impending death is directly in front of it." Boomstick says.
"After dissecting a… voluntary Goomba myself, I discovered its brain to be less than half the size of an acorn, proving what we've always known." Wiz adds.
"Goombas are fuckin' morons."
"Really, if the Koopa can just sidestep the Goomba near a cliff, I think he's got it." Ruby says.
"Bowser's second most common foot soldier is the Koopa Troopa, the turtle warrior." Wiz says.
"Like Ninja Turtles?!" Boomstick asks excitedly.
"No, not Ninja Turtles."
"Aw…"
"Ninja?!" Ruby exclaims.
"Turtles?!" Nora yells as well.
"Hoowah-Yah- Wachaa!" Ruby makes noises while making chopping noises.
"What's a Ninja Turtle?" Weiss asks.
"They're ninjas, that are also turtles." Jaune says.
"Thanks for clearing that up." Weiss says sarcastically.
"While the Goombas are the backbone, the Koopas are prevalent enough to have Bowser's army named 'Koopa Troop'." Wiz continues.
"Koopas have their own set of Paratroopa wings that can fly for several minutes with no problem." Boomstick adds.
"Koopas are also fairly skilled in Tennis, Baseball, Basketball, and Go-kart driving."
"Are you sure it's not a Ninja Turtle?"
"My, that's impressive for a… turtle." Pyrrha comments.
"Their best offense is also their finest defense: the Koopa shell, made of a tough steel-like substance capable of withstanding over 200 pounds of pressure." Wiz adds.
"As an offensive weapon, the Koopa shell can destroy almost anything. It's a living torpedo of pain!"
"200 pounds?!" Weiss says.
"So it has to be very strong in order to carry 200 pounds on its back all day." Ren says. "I think we have our winner."
"There seems to be a common misconception that it takes Mario two hits to kill a Koopa. Actually, it only takes one. There just happens to be this durable shell in the way." Wiz explains. "However, this leads to the Koopa's greatest weakness. When Mario jumps on a Koopa's back, rather than retaliating, it retreats into its shell. Why?"
"'Cause they're a bunch of pussies!"
"That's right, Boomstick. The Koopas are cowards, afraid to face a dangerous foe. Some run from danger, but most just hide in their thick shells."
"Ah, and there's the catch." Jaune says.
"Coward! Come out of your shell and fight like a woman!" Nora says, bring out Magnhild, as if the Koopa was in the room with them, sending everyone, especially Team RWBY into a panic.
"Nora! Put that away!" Ren shouts to his friend.
"Then again, if I were carrying an impenetrable fortress on my back and some large Italian man was trying to murder me, I'd probably hide in it, too." Boomstick defends the Koopa.
"But you'd think as soon as Mario picked up the shell, it would be a perfect time to counterattack, right? And even when they're flying after a good kick, they refuse to stick their feet out and stop themselves."
"Well… eh… ah, yeah, you're right, they're bitches."
"Alright, the combatants are set, let's end this debate once and for all." Wiz says his one of his trademark lines.
"It's time for a DEATH BATTLE!" Boomstick says.
"Even being huge cowards, I still think I have to give the edge to the Koopa. The fact it carries a 200 pound shell on its back, and uses it as a weapon should be more than enough to crush the Goomba." Blake says.
"Well, this fight is either going to terrible or it's gonna be great for laughs." Yang says, not expecting much.
The Koopa emerges from a Warp Pipe and calmly walks through the field. When he meets the Goomba, he stops.
FIGHT!
The Koopa and the Goomba both sprout wings, becoming the Paratroopa and the Paragoomba. They take to the air and fly into each other 4 times. After flying in a circle, the Koopa tries to hit the Goomba by doing something similar to the Spin Dash from Sonic, but misses. As the Goomba smiles, the Koopa ricochets off a wall and hits the Goomba, who falls under a Thwomp, which he manages to avoid. He also avoids 3 more Thwomps, but gets hit again by the Koopa, who is squashed under a fifth Thwomp.
The Goomba lands near a cannon, followed by the Koopa. As they both fly up, the cannons fire at them both.
"Am I the only one unironically enjoying this?" Jaune asks.
"I expected this to be over by now." Weiss says. "But they're fighting surprisingly well, aside from the Koopa getting crushed underneath whatever that was."
As they dodge the cannonballs and Bullet Bills, they trade a few blows. The Koopa tries to hit the Goomba using the trick he tried earlier, but misses and continuously ricochets off the walls again. When he stops, six Bullet Bills fly up, but the Goomba stops them by dropping Micro-Goombas onto them. After dodging two more Bullet Bills, the Goomba and Koopa are high in the air.
"No, the babies!" Ruby, Weiss and Pyrrha all yell at the same time!
As they fly into each other some more, the Angry Sun attacks the Goomba and the Koopa. While the Koopa successfully evades the Sun, the Goomba is hit and loses his wings. Luckily, he lands in a Goomba's Shoe.
As the Koopa descends, the Goomba hops towards his opponent in the shoe. The Koopa hides under a line of breakable blocks as the Goomba hops on the blocks above him. The Koopa tries to escape by flying to the right then quickly flying into the pipe, but the Goomba hits the Koopa, knocking him into the Pipe. The Goomba hops after the Koopa but gets attacked by a Piranha Plant emerging from the pipe.
"Is that it? Where did they go?" Yang asks.
The Koopa, who lost his wings from the attack, comes out the other end of the pipe, to meet a group of red Goombas who live underground. The Goomba appears and hits the Koopa, causing him to hide in his shell.
As the red Goombas dance victoriously, the Goomba spots a pool of lava near the Koopa.
"Well… I think it's over." Ruby says, feeling kind of sorry for the Koopa.
"No! Come on Koopa. Come out and fight!" Jaune says, who ironically, relates a little to the Koopa.
"Yes! Yeees! Finish it off!" Nora evilly laughs.
"Nora, you scare me sometimes…" Ren says.
The red Goombas continue to dance as the Goomba advances towards the Koopa and kicks him, causing him to slide towards the lava. Luckily, the pool of lava is small enough for the Koopa to slide over it and hit a block, causing him to slide into the Goomba and the red Goombas. Unfortunately, he also slides into a much larger pool of lava, reducing him to a skeleton.
DOUBLE K.O.!
"WHAT?!" Everyone yelled at the same time!
"What do you mean double KO?!" Ruby asks.
"So no winner?" Jaune asks.
"Oh man, I thought this was gonna suck! That was awesome!" Boomstick shouts out of excitement. "Who knew those little fuckers could fight like that?"
"I have to say, I agree, I wasn't expecting much from that. But that was really good." Yang admits.
"The Goomba's arsenal proved effective enough, but its own stupidity became its downfall." Wiz explains.
"Then the Koopa wussed out and kept to the safety of his shell, not stopping in time to avoid the giant pool of lava death."
"Even the Koopa's tough shell can't protect it from fire."
"You might say this battle really heated up in the end."
"Ha! Boomstick strikes again!" Yang laughs.
"For the love of Gods, make him stop." Weiss says.
"This battle is a draw."
"Well. That certainly was… something." Pyrrha says.
"Out of all the things I expected to see when I woke up today, a mushroom with fangs fighting a turtle wasn't on the list." Jaune comments.
"Can't help but be disappointed by that draw though." Ruby says.
"Well, maybe the next fight will be better." Blake says before Jaune hits play.